TDS Time Machine | Klepper vs. Maga 2024

Hey everyone, Daisy Lightick here. The Daily Show is on break for the holidays, but in the meantime we put together some special highlights for you. We'll be back in the new year on January seventh with all new episodes.

When you've been to as many rallies as I have, you get used to hearing things you don't encounter in everyday life, like go to Hell and Clepper's a Bitch. But lately the crowds have been coalescing around one particular idea that nobody wants to hear. Civil War, Civil War, Civil War War, Civil War, the Civil War, our country's bitter attempt at divorce that ended with mom and Dad

I think we're closer than we'd like to think. And I used to be afraid to talk about it. Now I think it's important.

For us to talk about it, To talk about a civil war, yeah, because I think.

We have to be aware of where we're at. I don't think it's going to be north and south with large marching armies. You know, if I live in Illinois, there's going to be Republicans and Democrats in Illinois. I do think it could get violent easily.

I mean that's scary. It is scary if a city and representative like Kinsinger thinks a second civil war as possible, it's something we need to take seriously. So I decided to gather Americans in one of our most sacred traditions of civic unity, the Corporate Focus Group, bringing together conservatives and liberals in Purple Arizona who all think civil war is a real possibility, the Civil Wars tomorrow. What is the skill set you bring to the battlefield.

Well, I'm good with the gun.

Yeah, yeah, okay, James, I have survival skills.

I was in the military. I knew how to shoot a weapon hand hand combat. If I have to, I could sticky with a knife and not you know, cry about it.

We're laughing about sticking people with a knife. But okay, lansing wood skills, leadership, leadership.

Yeah, I just feel there's gonna need to be some leaders Boe.

What skills do you have?

Critical thinking?

Jesus for all of the liberals, here we have a leader and a critical thinker. This is why the blue side is sick. But if America was going to be divided in a civil war, where would the modern day Mason Dixon line fall? It was time for a state by state fantasy draft. Well, nightmare draft. We've terraformed the states that have been red and blue to kind of create one land mass who sees themselves as conservative, part of the red map. Here are these the states you would want?

Oh? I much prefer the red states?

What breaks your heart? What are you gonna miss?

Well, Arizona isn't that supposed to be a red state?

Yeah, let's say we give you Arizona. Where do you want to travel to?

Well?

I love California, but it's turned into such a shithole.

Let's be fair as a red stake guy. The blue state has the best food. Oh yeah, right, bo, what would you miss? Not a ton As a liberal, you're feeling pretty good about the states you get.

Honestly, I feel all right, we got Hawaii.

You do have Hawaii, James, what are you missing? You're gonna be in what this red can go?

Now?

The family's from back eastern Ohio, So yeah, I mean that would be.

You'd miss Ohio. I wouldn't trade Cleveland for anything.

I trade Texas for California so I can go to San Diego.

Okay, any other trades Texas for California, blueside, would you allow that trade?

I'll take Austin for Cleveland, but I don't need all of Texas.

We'll do in Austin for Cleveland.

I don't want Cleveland, he's in Cleveland. I want San Diego.

Well you give up for San Diego.

I would give up Florida.

No thanks, there's no takers on Florida. No, okay, So I guess the ocean can have Florida, which is helpful because it will probably take it anyway. And now that we have our newly divided States of America, we get to draft some new constitutions. If there is a new and America, you're going to need new laws. Are there any laws you would want to change?

Get rid of the petty ones? I mean there's lots of petty laws out there. I mean, if you pee in public, I mean, you're really going to be in the sex crime Registry now because you're peed in public.

It's stupid. It's a crack in the system. That's the first law that comes to head.

It's you know, it's the petty laws you get put in the in the in the federal sex Crimes Registry, if you take if you take a leak outside, it's just pretty dumb.

That's just an example. We just talked about a civil war tearing this country in two you finally get your way, well, you know, I mean, the first law that jumps to mind is peeing in public? Does your side not have toilets? With the vision of the new Confederacy already collapsing under the burden of sewage infrastructure, I thought it was time to cut to the chase and ask the biggest question of all, which side wins?

We all lose, We all lose.

Yeah, there's no winning there.

What if one side loses and then refuses to concede. Well, I don't know if I feel any better about the future of America, but for now, at least we still have elections. God, it's going to be loud. It's going to be loud, loud, and it's going to be crazy. I mean it's kind of quiet in business like outside, but it's a party of the back.

It's gonna be huge.

You would know, my friend, you would know. You tell me about your office. What's what's going on here? This is this in short so swepshots, swim, I gotta it's a unique placement of his mouth area.

I've loved everything that he is implemented in the past, so I love if we could put that back into office to keep that going.

Like what stuff I like the border control? Yeah, yeah, that's a big point. It should be working to fix what's happening at the boy.

Yeah.

It feels like Congress is just sitting on their hands right now doing nothing. Yes, they brought up a bill to do something and Trump said, no freaking way. Why was that a good idea?

I don't know.

Okay, So what did they think of Trump only remaining human opponent?

I think she changed Yeah, they changed fake Republicans.

Yeah, who not familiar with nikkiy Hale globalist.

She belongs to the fascist She was in the UN For god sakes, I know.

That's the global fascist capital of the world.

To be fair, she was appointed by Donald Trump, Okay, but.

She stabbed him in the back as quick as she could. Yes, loyalty matters.

Loyalty matters.

Fidelity that matters.

When you say fidelity matters, you're not talking about like.

Marital all fidelity matters.

Fidelity matters. Have fun in their inside with Donald Trump. I don't know if his third wife will be in there with him. I think she might still be mad at him. And Trump's recent court challenges have inspired a brand new demand Trump has been talking right now about He says he thinks he should be immune from the actions he takes, while presently you think he should have total immunity. Otherwise everyone's going to jail. You're fine with Trump as king?

Yes?

Trump is king?

Is good.

Yeah, that's about as American as you can get. Yes, it is King Trump.

Yes.

However, Trump isn't asking to be a king. He wants to be a different kind of ruler.

He says, you're not going to be a dictator yet.

I said, no, no, no other than day one.

A dictatorship for day one.

Yeah, and that's what we need.

What does that actually look like.

Well, that means that about half the people in the Department of Justice should be arrested and put behind bars.

That's like a true dictatorship.

Yeah, well, you know, if it needs to happen.

Donald Trump said it'll be a dictator day one. What do you think of that? Is that a good idea?

Let's get it done, get in and get it done.

Let's go.

He's not going to be like a Hitler dictator. No, more like a Mussolini dictator for a day exactly.

Yes, yeah, put the people in place.

A dictator can do that, right, it could put people in place. The good people are over here, the bad people over here in a gula.

At this point.

That's what America needs.

So they're on board with the dictator justice. But what about all the big dictator talk. Trump said, they're poisoning the blood of our country.

Trump kind of speaks in allegories. What he's talking about is the blood of the country's been tainted. People have come here and immigrated. It's a different story.

And they don't know our American history and our values, nor do they respect this.

So when he says poisoning our country, it sounds harsh. It sounds much nicer than the original German.

Yeah, yeah, there you go.

While many were on board with Dictator two point zero, I did start to see some small cracks in support, Like when I found this woman who spent sixty days in prison for her role on January sixth.

You were a Trump supporter, absolutely, I was a Republican and I was wrong that day for even being there. January sixth was an insurrection.

Keep her voice down. This is a Trump rally. That's not the most popular take to have right now. And this guy who confessed he's scared about losing his money after investing in a bunch of weird financial maga products like Trump debit cards and a dubious Trump currency, I.

Have supported him with checks and the gold gold Trump Bard hundred dollars old things.

I can't get rid of those. And if T cards, the t RB cards, how does that work?

They gave me a pen number, then good at any ATM went to ATM.

Couldn't get nothing out. The card has nothing on it.

You think it was a scam.

It might have been.

I don't know you've invested a lot in Donald Trump.

Yeah, everyone is telling me to buy something different, stop by, don't buy any and I just as a as a guy who's just getting to know your hair.

Stop it, right, I am, But I had this one guy. He wants to be putting in more money.

Right.

No, I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm not.

Here's here's the I'm afraid if you go in there again, you're gonna be taken in by a scam again. No yes, no, yes, yes, no no no no yes. All I'm saying is here. I'm saying there is hope that you can make better choices and not give into a scam. Moving forward, right, Okay, So I think I think you just walked that way right through those gates.

No, no, my cars aren't here.

Well we almost save one person if it only parked in the right spot. Donald Trump's criminal hush Bunny trial started yesterday, but a few days before that, he had a message to his followers seventy two hours until all hell breaks loose.

That kind of rhetoric is really in sundiary and dangerous.

So I went down to the New York County Criminal Court to witness the carnage for myself. Donald Trump said, all hell is going to break loose. Are you gonna go ape shit today?

I'm not gonna go ape shit today.

Are you ready to go ape shit today?

I want to see how it plays out.

But you're gonna slow walk the ape shit right, slow walk it.

Trump supporters are calm, peaceful protesters. Yes.

Yes.

They would never rush into a federal building and try to disrupt proceedings.

Donald Trump would never advocate for that.

Outside of that January sixth night. It's today, the January sixth of April fifteenth. Now what January?

I was there January six Yes, I was there.

Where were you inside the rotunda? Are you in the office? Where you holding the podium? Where were you?

It was breached before we got there.

Because that is that why you're here early today, just to make sure you get that first wave.

Well I have done pretty go back and watch Americas most want it. I made a grand apparent stand. When somebody said we got what.

We to serve, God bless, I'll said my t BO. Do you think the crowd will remain peaceful here?

I do.

So, aren't you letting him down? Not come in with your a game? Where are your horns? I brought my a game, You brought a scar, you brought needle points, handmade man. You guys picked a qan On chaman. Yet Yeah, so like a voodoo boogaloo somewhere.

That guy is so articulate and so smart.

You're talking about the guy with the horns.

Yes, right, he could smell shit coppa a mile away.

Is that why the QAnon shaman is so good at smelling shit? Because he was in the same room where someone was actually defecated inside the Capitol. Probably, Well, there was more press than there were MAGA supporters. I did run into one January sixth B list Starry Giuliani's son.

Yeah.

I was in Washington, DC on January sixth as well. I was with President Trump. Sure, I remember him talking about peacefully protesting them.

People were talking about peaceful protests. Some people also on January sixth, we're talking about trial by combat. Let's have trial by combat. Do you know anybody who was talking about that?

Oh?

You know, look, I would say the peaceful protest is the most important thing.

No trial by combat testy No, trial by combat.

Do you guys even care what's going on inside the courtroom or not?

Of course I care about what's going on in the courtroom. So let's establish some baseline facts about the trial. Do you think Donald Trump had sex with Fremy Daniels, Oh, hell no, you don't think that.

Now he was with Melania who.

Now he's just always been a one woman man.

Listen, he probably hasn't been. But women have thrown themselves at Trump for the old Mighty dollar, all those holes.

They had three and a half years to go after Trump for all these stupid trials. Why are they waiting till right now?

Is it possible they're waiting till right now because Trump consistently delayed the trials. Well, Trump complains about liberal bias, It seemed the most qualified jurors were outside the courthouse.

Trump Crown, Do.

You think you can be an unbiased ur Of course I can. Do you have any feelings or opinions about how mister Trump is being treated in this case?

I absolutely do you do.

Where are those feelings?

No?

I have feelings that if you commit a crime then you should go to trial.

Great, so you support this trial?

No, because it's not a trial.

Oh well, then, I'm sorry, there's no room for you on this jury. But apparently it was the venue itself that presented the most bias.

Trump cannot get a fair trial in a ninety plus percent Democrat city like New York the city.

Where can Trump get a fair trial?

In the Midwest, in Ohio and Florida.

He's on trial in Florida, He's on trial in Georgia. Will you accept the results of those trials?

No?

So the magosphere is ready for accountability, just not anywhere on this planet. Donald Trump has a big month ahead debate, an immunity ruling, sentencing, and a convention in the horrible city of Milwaukee. His words, not mine. So I went to my first rally since he became a convicted felon in the good old battleground state of Wisconsin, and as usual, Maga was gonna, maga.

Make America great again. I need to make some money.

You got a truck, you want to show me I do. I wish the world a better place because I was here. Jesus Christ, President Trump, same fun huh okay, Jenerary, I'd all worried about that whole worshiping false idols thing.

Not at all.

What do you think about the upcoming debate.

I'm I've heard that.

You know, people say Biden won't show up. Do you think Trump is gonna show up?

Oh?

Absolutely, yeah, yeah, he I think he's gonna show up. He's not afraid to debate anybody. Oh no, no, no, no, I mean except for Nikki Haley. Of course. There's one thing still on everyone's mind, Trump's recent felony conviction in New York for falsifying business records. People are talking about what happened with Donald Trump's conviction recently.

That totally bullshit, all thirty four of them. So mess, get rid of it.

Why is it a mess?

It's a mess because he didn't do anything wrong. Who's he cheating?

I mean? Other than is why I'm not getting into that.

It's unjustable, it's not fair, Sam.

It only takes one crime to send you to jail.

A prison, isn't that the truth? Suddenly America's the land where you commit a crime and you go to prison. Kidding me, that was a kangaroo trial.

This is absolute stalinism.

So do you have faith in the Department of Justice?

No?

Now there's the Hunter Biden trial, the Hunter Biden was found guilty. Yes, what do you think of that?

Well, there was the evidence was overwhelming.

You take the evidence, you put it through the justice system, and he's found guilty. We should accept that. Yes, Wait a minute, hold on, but I thought the justice system was rigged. We shouldn't trust it.

It wasn't taking place in a in a community that voting.

But the judge was a Trump appointed.

Judge, was he?

Yeah? What do you think of the whole Hunter and Biden situation? Are you relieved Hunter Biden is found guilty? If they're not going to do anything, why not?

You can sit around, dumple pistol in the garbage, spoke crack, you get away with all that shit.

But it sounds that he was convicted. Yeah, is that the justice system working?

I don't know.

Justice system won't work until I put away.

Which are we talking about Trump?

Trump?

One hundred percent?

When Trump is put away? The justice system working?

No?

No, come on, sorry, I'm just I'm tried to keep christ Dude. Which part of the justice system do we totally implicitly trust to which one is a total sham? It's it's hard to give him straight. But did this conviction? Dole out justice or just create a martyr.

There's a classic cartoon that shows other convicted felons. There's Gandhi, there's Nelson Mandela, and then there's Trump.

Do you put Trump in line with Gandhi and Nelson Mandela?

Yeah?

Between Gandhi and Mandela and Trump? Which was the one who had sex with a porn star and then paid to cover that up? Well, none of the above, but one of the above, and one of them recently made bank off his brush with the law. Spoiler alert, it wasn't Gandhi. So the conviction helped Donald Trump.

Well, everyone's pouring in money to support him. So and I know I've done that a couple of times.

Trump goes to trial for sexual assault. How much you give it?

What is that?

Is that?

Oh? Probably one thousand dollars?

Thousand bucks for that? Okay classified docs, I'm not.

Sure you give it another thousand?

Okay, so a thousand across the board? Yesy overthrow democracy? That biggie? Is that is that a two grand?

That's probably five grand?

Wow? Okay.

Basically, we just need to save our country from the border searge, right right, Yeah, need to be shelling out money to give immigrants who don't deserve it.

You're sick and tired of your money going to people who committed crimes.

That's right.

Yeah, did you donate?

Yes?

What about for the sexual assault case? Did you give for that?

Oh? This is all just so old news.

You know, it doesn't affect me.

It's old news. Sexual assaults, sexual assault. Let's move on with the future. Yeah, yeah, that's all. But what is slightly less hilarious is Trump's second term plan, which sounds a lot like going after everyone who went after.

Him based on what they've done.

I would have every right to go after them.

I am your retribution.

Donald Trumps put into office. Should he go after his political opponents? Absolutely rocked our world?

Come up?

Like, there's up Donald Trump? If he gets into office again, should he show any mercy to political opponents?

I don't think so, you should go after them?

How important is vengeance to you? When Trump gets into.

Office, it's probably third on the list.

Okay, good, So I'm guessing that's between martial law and right before fixing toilet pressure. But there's a simple reason. It's so easy for them to give him a pass.

But I love Trump, so you know, there you go.

It's like if you have a child and they pull some Shenanigan, you don't like what they do.

You love the person, but you don't necessarily like what they do.

The child analogy is kind of perfect. But to be clear, we are talking about the person you want to be.

I want him to be president.

Yes, at least someone is having a good time. The last three weeks have been some of the most eventful and American political history. So I went to Harrisburg, PA to see how the Maga world is reflecting on these serious times. First, I want to know how they're coping with the loss of their favorite punching back. I've seen you many many times here one number rally we have eighty two. Are you sad about the Joe Biden chant being retired?

I'm sad because of all I invested in all this sad time writing gear.

How much Let's Go brand that anti Joe Biden merch did you have?

Oh?

Thousands of?

Is that right?

Wow? I buy it at the Let's Go Brandon store in Thom's Revenue, Jersey.

Do they have to rename that?

I think they're gonna have to rename about.

One more for old time's sake. Joe and the hoe, and now the name calling of Vice President Harris begins. If they could only decide how to mispronounce that name. I'm surprised Kamala even has a chance.

No one likes Kamala in and that's why I don't like to hear about the Kamala thing.

Why do you say your name like that?

How do you say it?

Kamala?

It's Kamala, Kamala.

Kamala, Kamala, Kamala, Kamala.

There you go. I appreciate that you're trying to say the name correctly.

Yes, actually I'm not, but I I inadvertently.

You know, I would you want to say it Kamala?

It's the way Bush used to say Sadam Hussein?

Sadam, did you work shopping elevating Kamala to Saddam Hussein levels?

Kamala Harris is a bigger threat.

More anti American than to Dom yeh.

Yes, the most anti American candidate for president we ever had.

I gotta tell you, if I ran into you three weeks ago, you might have said that about Joe Biden.

That's right.

Yet, do you think Kamala is qualified to be president?

Somebody that cackles all the time and laughs at everything under their son.

Are you kidding me?

A woman experiencing joy and not your thing?

She's useless. She's backpedaling on all her previous uh comments.

Is that your issue with her?

Yeah?

Yeah, yes?

What do you like about JD. Vance?

He's a man of the people.

Think he'll stand up for Trump. Yeah, vants will stand up to the people who compare Donald Trump to Hitler. What happens if those people are also JD. Vans? He has acquainted Donald Trump to Hitler, America's Hitler. No years ago he flip flopped. People can change.

Yeah, but I still like a paris Here you go.

Apparently writing a book about your opioid addicted family makes you more qualified than any black woman could ever be. I heard he got up the ladder on her back, right, but millions of beautiful voted for Kamala Harris. Did she sleep with all of that? I just don't. I don't know. But how do you sleep your way to the top of elected positions?

I don't know how she got to where she is except uh if the word is DEI you know.

What do you think of J. D. Evans?

I think he uh picked.

Him for votes in the russ Belt. Diversity on the ticket, diversity on his ticket. Yeah. Sure. Over the years, the Maga crowd has faced a lot of criticism, but none more stinging than the line of attack started by Kamala's new VP candidate Tim Wallas. These guys are just weird.

These are weird people on the other.

Side that Democrats are trying to call the Maga movement weird. What do you think of that? It's I mean, it's I don't know what's weird about it. Is it fair though, to call the Maga movement and inherently an unserious movement? I mean I don't think so. Do you think the discourse has gotten too too ridiculous? I think so? Yeah, Yeah, yeah. I just think sometimes from an outside perspective, it feels like you come to a manga event and there isn't

No?

I don't think.

Good.

Yeah, I mean these are people who are just genuinely care about the country.

People come here, they want to talk politics, they want to talk about gods that they want to talk abortion rights. Right, this isn't a freaking carnival. Yeah, it's not Halloween. We're not all dressing up like lunatanks. It's a serious thing, absolutely, absolutely absolutely. You do know you're wearing that hat right now? Okay?

Cool.

The rally was just three weeks after a truly tragic day in US politics. The official story was that the assassination attempt was committed by a disturbed young man who was a registered Republican. But this crowd isn't always into official stories. I think people on both sides can agree that was a horrific moment in our history. It was looking back at it. Do you believe the things you hear?

Oh?

No, I don't.

I believe it's an inside job. The shooting wins an inside job. A lot of things aren't adding up. It's very strange.

I think that was playing job. Ever, anybody with any common sense knows that was a playing job, playing by who? Good damns the lefts, the deep state.

Obama is involved in this. You think Obama set up the assassination attempt?

I think he surely knew about it.

Oh, it's the government, for sure, it's government. Do you think they would go through all of this? I mean, when they really wanted to take out Trump, when they just poison the big Mac, I don't know.

It's a damce to FBI, to uh Special Service.

Does it surprise you to hear that it was a disgruntled white guy, Republican gun nut.

No, because you know what, would never know why he was picked.

It's kind of the perfect cover exactly. Yeah.

They could have gotten a discuntled black guy and I'm not I no problem. And they could have gotten a disquntled black female, but no, they picked the disquntal.

Discuntled white guy who's into guns out of Trump rally situation. Yes, it's like, oh my god, who who doesn't fit that profile exactly right, And just.

About the security and everything, there's like something wasn't right there from from beginning against me.

It's like this kid was able to get an AR fifteen that year. The hell Yeah, it doesn't add up. And that adds up so cleanly. It feels too easy.

Exactly, And there's no paper. They can only go so far and it's like a dead end.

It's a situation where like you want to connect the two dots, but it's just much easier to go all the way around exactly. Exactly, exactly