TDS Time Machine | It's Classified

You're listening to comedy Central. Yew. Let's begin with explosive news.

Secrets are out about the war in Afghanistan, not.

Just a leak, but a flood of secret documents, ninety two thousand documents.

It's the biggest leak in US military history.

Really, ninety two thousand pages. I would hope that would be the biggest leak, seeing as that beats the Pentagon papers by I don't know, eighty five thousand pages. Perhaps this might be an appropriate time to let leakers of military documents know it's not a competition.

So it's some top secrets.

We just came from an off camera session with Colonel Dave Lapana, Pentagon spokesman.

He says it looks to be secret in nature, not top secret.

No, it's just secret. I was worried. I thought it tops It's just secret.

That is a much lower security classification that topsier. It actually goes army classification wise, a secret, then top secret, and then of course I believe pop secret. That is where all of our military information is encoded in fluffy and delicious butter coated kernels. Oh sopernicious. An intelligence breach of this magnitude must have been coordinated by a conspiracy of high level masterminds with ninja like powers of concealment.

Last May, a California computer hacker was contacted online by someone calling himself Brad Ass eighty seven. He said he was an Army intelligence analyst deployed to Baghdad who had access to classified networks that showed incredible things, awful things that belong in the public domain.

Okay, I'm gonna stop.

You right there, Brad Ass eighty seven. Really the incredible supermul spy went by the name Brad Ass eighty seven and told the computer hacker that he was in Army intelligence.

Let me take awhay and trying to solve this.

Maybe I've been watching Bones too much, but computer search through the files looking for an army specialist named Brad who's eighty seven years old, no wait, born in nineteen eighty seven, and.

Go on May twenty sixth Army specialist Brad Manning born in nineteen eighty seven was arrested outside of Baghdad and is now in a military prison.

How did they find him? How did they do it? Well? In Sherlock Holms.

By the way, Brad, you also might want to delete your Army specialist dot Brad Manning backslash leak guy at it was me dot Brad Manning. Does brad ass eighty seven have any idea what he's done to the American military, Not to mention what he's done to the life of Dove soap Air Bradford Assington, the eighty seventh.

Path.

He suffered enough for Christ's sake, the eighty seventh generation of Assington's.

All the money in the world can't change that last name. That's why he's a douchebag?

Is that?

I'm just curious? Is that a stop photo? I'm over.

Guys that we're going I thought that was a modeling job. Look, maybe Manning didn't need a secret name. Maybe his data collection skills were that stealth.

He allegedly also described how he downloaded the classified information. I would come in with music on a CD labeled with something like Lady Gaga, and he raced the music recording intelligence out of the CD instead, allegedly writing that he lip sync to Lady Gaga while exciltrating possibly the largest datas village in American history.

I believe the obvious question here is how does a soldier sit around lip syncing to Lady Gaga all day and not run a foul of don't ask, don't tell that.

That has got to be a substitute for telling no.

So WikiLeaks dot org has posted ninety two thousand classified documents about the Afghan war online.

Well, let's le let's let's take a look.

What is the uh?

Is it?

Oh? Okay? Wow?

Apparently our worst strategy in Afghanistan is being encoded in Justin Bieber's Twitter account. Any news organizations out there taking the time to maybe wade through these documents and boil it down a bit for us.

The leaked records give precise accounts of missions gone horribly wrong. Helicopters shot down, two religious schools are providing ninety five percent of suicide attackers. There is also horrifying detail about civilian deaths. In two thousand and seven, Pakistan's military intelligence agency, the ISI, is helping the Afghan insurgency attack American troops.

What the.

Pakistanis do? We give them billions of dollars.

Of aid that Pakistan is funneling that money.

To the Taliban.

One of the chief financial contributors to our enemy is US. We have ostensibly put a hit out on ourselves.

This is insanity. Or to put it another way, Oh, I.

Think there's nothing new really here.

This is sort of a storm in a teacup.

The substance, frankly, is not new.

On the content, there really is nothing essentially fundamentally new.

Yees see, I'm not wrecking to the newness of it. I'm reacting to the uppardness of it. What does it take to get you guys fired up?

What does it do?

Seriously, what all these documents are doing is exposing the existential trap we find ourselves in in Afghanistan.

I guess it's no kid may or may not be in balloon.

That was crazy that whole afternoon. I was like in there, I'm terrible.

Have you heard the news?

Extra extra future President Hillary Clinton may have to pardon former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

A bombshell report that Hillary Clinton may have violated the law during her time at the State Department.

Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god. What did you do?

Did she she funnel arms to Isis to pay for a land deal in Arkansas? Did she sell Alaska back to the Russians in exchange for their silence on Benghazi? What did she do pad her resume with fake countries she supposedly negotiated treaties with. I should have known there was no such thing as pants suit.

As Stan.

Hit me with the bad news, it appears that while she was Secretary of State, she did not have an official email account at all.

Oh is that against the law not to have an email again? I mean, it seems less of a scandal and more of like a nerd snap, like, Oh, she's so old she doesn't even have.

An official email account.

I mean, what's the big deal about not having an email account? Or what am I missing here?

Hillary Clinton may have broken federal record keeping rules by using a personal email account instead of a state department account. The official rules are that you're supposed to use government accounts, which are saved for public record and are considered more secure.

Oh okay, well that's not nothing. That's when she should have done that, right.

But don't we have a facility in Utah that collects all of our email anyway, solving the whole archive problem.

Can't you just ask them or they don't talk to you either. Why is this coming out now?

Wasn't it clear to anybody who emailed Secretary Clinton during that time, that her email address was her personal email.

Or somebody in the White House in the West Wing. How didn email to send to the Sector of State? Did they just use her private email? How did they get in contact with her? Did that never raise a flag inside the West Wing?

I did it not also raise a red flag in the West Wing that her personal email was don't tell anyone about this account at secret slash sh.

Dot definitely not gov.

Come out.

I felt like the State Department didn't eventually get all the Clinton emails that Clinton decided they should get.

In twenty fourteen, Clinton did hand over fifty five thousand pages after the State Department sent a written request for the records. AIDS say they tossed out Clinton's personal notes, like memos on her daughter's wedding.

I believe it is a sign that you have been in government too long when you write memos about your daughter's wedding.

Read the happiest day of your life.

Your father and I look very forward to sharing the event with you. We love you very much, dictated not read. I think the concern there is that the AIDS are the ones who get to decide which emails are appropriate to be shared as opposed to an independent arbiter. That's why Dorito's doesn't get to decide which ingredients consumers need to know about, or why you don't get.

To tell the cops which pockets to search. Wait, officer, not that one.

That's my weed pocket, and those other two gentlemen are the bows?

Is there another reason that she didn't need to archive her emails with State.

Secretary Powell wrote about this and his book. He had a personal laptop installed in his office so he could use personal email.

Oh but I think the regulation started in two thousand and nine.

No, and then four years after Powell left.

And I mean, if Colin Powell was using a personal email address, they didn't really have rules on personal emails. They had because you know, back then email wasn't really as prevalent laptops they explain why Powell felt the need to install one in his office. How can we know that Clinton even turned over all her relevant emails.

She has taken steps to preserve those records by providing the State Department with the fifty five thousand pages. I think fifty five thousand is a pretty big number.

It is a big number. There are bigger.

A million, and it's not as big as the number of pages Clinton actually had. But that's the crazy thing about numbers is you know, you can always top them. Somebody be like, you have one hundred Dalmatians. That's a load of Dalmatians. I can't imagine anyone having more than one hundred Dalmatians, and then some lady being.

Like, bruh, right for one.

One oh one.

That is a lot of Damasians.

Actually.

But if that's you know, how everybody feels, why not just say that that Secretary Clinton did turn over all her.

Emails, she provided a huge, you know, a large amount those fifty five jobs.

Just say it's everything's well, how.

Can I, I mean, Brad, I'm not in her email.

If you were in her email, you'd be starring in the most boring tron sequel.

Of all time, Tron to the Inbox. Oh no, there's spam today once again.

By the way, we've get our program with a continuing saga of WikiLeaks, a two hundred and fifty thousand page document dump that, like most post Thanksgiving dumps, is endless.

And fascinating to pick through.

And if you know, any thinking about my family should of course remain classified. The release of many embarrassing and possibly damaging diplomatic cables has introduced the world to a new super villain, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange Assange shep am I pronouncing.

That right Wiki leaks and it's founder of this man, Julian Assange ah.

Assal, thank you chf hal.

Assannge is the founder of wiki leaks, a site not to be confused with Wiki leaks, where for ten ninety nine a month you can.

Self explanatory.

Really, this is WikiLeaks, a website whose sole purpose is to expose information.

So who is this oshol?

Working in secrecy? He hides the location of computer service to ward off cyber attack, and hides his own location, moving and changing names and email addresses to ward off arrest.

Clearly they are working with terrorist organizations.

I believe they've become one themselves.

Dah.

Clearly Assange is Osama bin Laden crossed with Magneto and the Albino from the Matrix with more than a scooch of the Dice and vacuum guy. Yeah, it's mostly the Dyson vacuum guy. Quite frankly, anyway, what hath Assange been?

Dice in wrought cables that reportedly show Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Condaleza Rice before her ordered US embassies and intelligence services to gather private information on UN leaders and diplomats.

Yemen's President Sala, telling General David PETREUS about strikes in Yemen, will continue saying the bombs are ours, not yours.

German Chancellor Merkel avoids risk and is rarely creative. Afghan President Karzai is driven by paranoia.

Dmitri Medyetev plays Robin to mister Putin's batman.

Achmedinajad is hitler.

Italy's foreign minister is calling this leak a diplomatic nine to eleven.

Well, then he's a idiot, I mean, not for nothing.

But if this is the diplomatic nine to eleven sack up, I'll give you its diplomatic mischief night maybe, But most of this in there's non policy chit chat and things we already knew, and quite frankly, Ahmadinajad is hitler. I think he might take that as a compliment, a peace offering towards a deton I mean.

Transparency is a good thing.

Government wrongdoing should be ferreted out, although just because something secret doesn't necessarily mean it's nefarious how Secretary of State Hillary Clinton dealing with the blowback Nam Secretary?

Are you embarrassed?

Pavings Lakes personally?

Professionally?

Is she embarrassed? Were you alive in the nineties? Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Do you know she's married to this guy?

Right?

I think she's built up a bit of an embarrassment tolerance to be like splitting a MIC's hard lemonade with Keith Richards and going.

Should I call you a cab? Are you too up to drive?

Not that there weren't some embarrassing details on.

The effort to close Guantanamo.

The State Department plays what the New York Times calls let's make a deal. Slovenia, for example, is told that if it wants to get a meeting with President into Obama.

It needs to take a prisoner.

Sounds a little desperate.

Offering foreign leaders FaceTime with the president exchange for taking a GITMO detainee. It could hopefully be more effective than Obama's original take a prisoner or leave a prisoner jar.

So ultimately very few took a lot of people left.

Ultimately an interesting, yet somewhat less explosive and less than searing indictment.

So why Assange, Why? I'm sorry, Assage?

Why us home? What drives you? I'm a combative person.

That's how I like crushing Bastin's So it is deeply personally, personally, deeply satisfying to me.

I think you're underestimating how cynical Americans are about our government already. We've engineered coups in Chile, Iran, Guatemala, etc. We sold arms to Iran and then used the money to fund Central American revolutionaries.

We sell weapons to.

Our enemy's enemy, who somehow always then becomes our enemy and.

Forces us to defend ourselves from our own weapons. That happens a lot.

In fact, you know what we call that the number eight. It takes a lot to unimpress us. You really should read up about this. We already know about us. So unless in these wiki leaks, we're going to find out that the aliens from Aria fifty one killed Kennedy, stop with the drama. For more on the story, we go to our senior intelligence correspondent, Ausif Monti.

What is what is all this wiki leaks?

Well, John, it's the twenty first century. What I've coined the information age a glorious thank you, a glorious utopian data escape in which everyone has a right to know everything about everyone. It's why I get to see your penis at the airport.

You know you don't get to I'm not gonna let you see my penis.

Why what are you hiding?

I'm hiding my penis?

Oh? Oh really?

Yes?

Is there something about your penis that you don't want us to know about? Are you in favor or are you not in favor of transparency?

But that's not transparency.

Transparency being open to the public and important issues and processes so that the public can make informed decisions.

A wrong again, Rip van, old grandpa man.

Transparency is about me knowing everything I don't already know, because if I don't know it, that means someone's keeping it from me, like your penis.

So you're my penis is a metaphor?

Sure that helps you sleep at night?

All right?

You know?

Should everything as if be out there?

If there's total transparency, we won't really see anything.

Oh, I'm an.

Old twentieth century man driving my car to get food.

People still do that you don't do. I'm not that much older than you.

Are, well, there's only one way to find out.

Let's count the rings on your penis. That's not how you find out.

Stop with the penis already.

I know, I know, John, I'm annoying you.

But it's that kind of dogged persistence that's the hallmark of a free press.

That's why this WikiLeaks dump is so important.

It's basically our generations Pentagon papers.

Well, the Pentagon papers exposed blatant lives about how the government got us into the Vietnam War, how they continue to mislead us about.

The war's progress.

Even the most cynical reading of these documents, I don't think rises to that indictable.

It's not meant to man, No, it's about the beautiful anarchy of information.

It shows that what the government.

Says in private is not necessarily what it says in public.

But who doesn't know that that seems like a relatively been up point to be made.

Not all information is equal, though us, and.

That's why your fly will always be up and my generations will always be down.

Your fly is down always.

Thank you, asif manvia everybody, We'll be right back to.

Do you guys, remember last week when the Trump administration was in the deepest after the James Comy firing, right, specifically because Trump's sudden dismissal of Comy further raised suspicions of his relations with Russia. Right.

And then remember how literally the day after that, the day after that.

He hosted Russians, two top diplomats in the Oval Office. You remember that yet, and then we were all like, man, he can't get any worse.

We were wrong.

Breaking news tonight, President Trump reportedly revealed highly classified information to Russia's foreign minister and Russia's ambassador in a White House meeting last week.

This according to The Washington.

Post, which cites current and former US officials as saying that Trump's disclosures jeopardized a critical source of intelligence on the Islamic state.

I knew it, no, I knew something was up when we saw President Trump with the Russians and they were smiling. There's only two times a Russian man smiles the day he dies. And this, I mean, once again, this sounds like a story that we would invent.

Right.

Trump invites the Russians into the Oval Office and then in his meeting starts bragging, I get grade intel.

I have people brief me on grade Intel.

Every day and then proceeds to give them the intel. He probably doesn't even know what intel is short for My intellivision is the best.

It gets the highest ratings, best.

Ratings of a.

What's really sad about this is that Donald Trump is trying to impress the Russians with the fact that he's president.

They know.

The guys. They're like, yeah, do you guys know that I'm president?

And they're like, yes, that is all.

We blend it, yes, of course.

Like like right now, right now, if I were putin back in Moscow, I'd be like, this is a trap.

No, no, it has to be No, it came to be this easy.

Come on, come on, because you know they thought it was going to be.

A lot harder, right They were probably trying to figure out how to hide bugs in the Oval office, figuring out where to put everything in.

Trump was like, hey, what's that is that? A microphone?

I love those?

Hello? Want you?

Won't you?

Here are my secret? Now before you get your hopes up.

The White House has already called the Washington Posts report false, and in any case, even if it wasn't called that, the chance of Donald Trump getting into trouble for this is next to nothing, because you see, a president almost by definition, can't leak classified information.

Once a president says it, it's declassified. That's the law. It's a crazy law, but it's true. But I'm sorry.

Right now, it feels like Trump is doing everything he criticized Hillary for doing during the campaign, mishandling national security secrets under thread of an FBI investigation. At this rate, next week he's gonna faint in public.

Just be like I also laught my show.

I will say this though, people, at least now we know there's no aliens.

Yeah, because if there were, Donald Trump would have told us by now, like he would have leaked it immediately.

Et used my samson to phone home.

He did it, folks.

So the good news is Trump listens during Intel briefings, and the bad news is Trump listens during Intel briefings.

Let's move on from one piece of work to another.

Donald Johnson and Johnson baby Powder Trump, the ex president most likely to be a surprise judge at a wet T shirt contest. Yesterday, the government office that keeps presidential records asked the Justice Department to investigate Trump's improper handling of official documents.

And like, at this point, I'm wondering if there are any laws that Trump hasn't broken.

You know, if there was a Guinness Book of World Records for crime, he'd probably stealed the book. But yeah, according to reports, Trump would rip up papers after he read them, right, he took boxes of material with him to our lago. And now we're learning that Trump did the most trump thing that he possibly could have done with some of these documents.

We're beginning with breaking news. Staff members of the White House residents discovered wads of printed paper in a clogged toilet on more than one occasion during the Trump administration, and believe that it was the former president himself who was trying to flush documents.

I learned that staff in the White House residence would periodically find the toilet clog. The engineer would have to come and fix it, and what the engineer would find would be wads of you know, clumped up print, wet printed paper, you know, meaning it was not toilet paper. It could be posteds, it could be note zero to himself, it could be other things. We don't know, but it's certainly does add, as you said, another dimension to what we know about how he handled material in the White House.

You know, it's so funny how in every scandal involving Trump and documents, none of them involve him reading them.

And by the way, I will say this, I know it's easy for us to all go Trump was trying to obstruct justice. That's what this was.

But you do remember, at the start of the pandemic there was a shortage of what And I don't know about you guys, but when there's no toilet paper, state documents starts to look mighty tempting. It also does explain why Trump was always complaining about toilets. You remember how he always did.

That people are flushing toilets ten times fifteen times as opposed to once they end up using more water.

Yeah, they're flushing at ten times fifteen times.

No, dude, you were flushing toilets ten times fifteen times because you were shoving your homework down the toilets. I mean, everyone assumed he was a man who clugged the White House toilets, but no one ever.

Thought we'd have to ask the question, but with what.

Now?

Of course, Trump denies all of this.

He says he never clugged any toilets ever, smoothest pooh of all time.

So the big question is who's telling the truth.

Well, luckily we have an exclusive interview with the only man who knows what the truth is. So we're gonna go out live right now to the White House to chat to that man. Sir, I understand that you are the official White House plumber.

If that's all right, it's to me, Carl Schwartz.

I don't well doing well. Thank you so much for joining us, mister Schwartz as the White House plumber.

We'd love for you to tell us everything you know about Trump flushing documents down the toilets.

All right, let me stop you right there, Chief, Okay, sorry to disappoint you, but I can't. It's the plumber's code. The plumber's code, that's right, it's the iron code. All plumbers live by.

One.

Never tell a toilet secrets. Two, always round up the bill. Three no visible buck crack. Trying to break that stereotype. So I'm sorry, but I can't reveal what I know about Trump's toilet no matter what. Oh, come on, all right, fine, I'll tell ya. I was in Trump's bathroom almost every day, pulling paper out of the toilet. I unclocked so many classified documents they had to give.

Me top secret clearance.

I'm talking to CIA briefings, diplomatic cables, the medical experiments that created Rudy Giuliani. Honestly, some of the stuff I didn't understand what it meant. Like I found this one document that just says nuke Spain question mark.

Oh wow.

Yeah, you must have been pretty frustrated with President Trump giving you so much unnecessary work.

Are you kidding me?

I love President Trump.

He made my job more interesting and he trusted me with our nation's top secrets, unlike certain other presidents who just used the toilet to pooper pee.

Obama, I don't know why you said it like that.

You could have knew who the anyway, let me ask you, this was Trump the o anyone in the White House who was flushing documents?

Did Vice President Pence do it? No?

No, no, Mike Pen's never even used the bathroom.

He actually doesn't have any holes. Now, have you excuse me?

I have an emergency I have to deal with Kamala Harre has been locked in the bathroom for the past year.

Oh wow, is that where she's been? Well, well, good luck with that. And thank you so much, mister Schwartz. You got JAP did you say no holes?

Oh my god, the FBI raided Donald Trump's house in mar Lago.

The FBI people raided a former president's house.

This is huge.

This is bigger than when the FEDS investigated Bill Clinton for doing mouth stuff with that saxophone. And by the way, by the way, this raid, just so you know, has nothing to do with January sixth, or tax fraud or giving the White House plumber PTSD.

No.

Apparently, apparently this investigation is about Trump taking classified documents from the White House.

And honestly, you know, I'm amazed that Trump has time for all of this crime. But at any moment, at any moment, Trump's got a crime that he's covering up. He's got a crime that he's doing now, He's got a crime that he's plotting for the future. He's like the Steve Harvey but of crimes. You know, every day, I'm like, does he have the same hours in the days me? He gets so much done.

Now, if you'll remember, if you remember earlier this year, the Fed's already had to go down to morrow Lago and take back fifteen boxes of documents that Trump wasn't supposed to have, but apparently they think there's more hidden on the property, right, and I believe that.

I believe that too.

I mean, like, Trump's not gonna keep records in a filing cabinet like a normal person.

What was the same dude who buried his ex wife on a golf course. I mean, think about that.

And yes, it is totally unprecedented for the FBI to raid the home of a former president.

That's true. That has never happened in American history.

But don't forget Donald Trump also never happened in American history. Everything is an anominate with this man. I mean, like, why do you think a book from one of his staffers comes out every single week? Because every single person he interacts with is like, yo, have I got a story for you?

And wouldn't it be weird if this is the thing that takes Trump down?

We thought it would be something like conspiracy or bribery or blackmail, but no, Trump's got busted for taking work home with him.

What a nerd?

Now, obviously, President Trump recognizes the gravity of the situation, which is why he has refrained from comments while the legal process is now.

I'm joking with you. Come on.

The guy released a statement immediately. Immediately, he read, these.

Are dark times for our nation. As my beautiful home.

Mara Lago in bomb Bage Blader is currently under siege, raided and I get back by a large group of FBI agents.

They even broke into mercades. What's the difference between this and what Agate?

What's the difference?

I love that even while he's complaining, he slips in that the thing is beautiful. How could they do this to my beautiful home?

Also, also, this is completely different from Watergates, all right. For one thing, the guy's breaking into Watergate didn't need to clean old ketchup stains off the documents.

But the other big thing, the other big difference is that.

The raid was legal, all right, was approved by a federal judge, approved by the head of the FBI, who, by the way, was appointed by Donald Trump himself. I think he got rid of like seventeen other heads of the FBI because they didn't want to do crimes of Donald.

So now the big mystery is what did the FBI find. Well, according to Donald Trump's third favorite son, the only thing the FBI took was his heart.

What could they possibly think existed inside of mor Lago in a box that was taken from the White House that was so damaging that the FBI director and the Attorney General of the United States would would have to raid a former president's residence and grab everything out of there.

I don't know.

They'll probably find a note for me telling him how proud I am of him and what great job he was doing his president.

They might find some pictures of my kids, maybe some nice you know, headlines, maybe a nice note from you, Sean.

Oh, Eric, you silly, silly man. Did Daddy tell you that's where your letters to him go? Hid in a way somewhere safe. They're just too important to show anybody or acknowledge it anyway, Eric, That's why I locked up them up right next to my wedding ring.

That's what I do now.

Aside from the boxes that they took, the FBI also looked inside Trump's safe, which is very dramatic, like because apparently they had to break into it all right, So now you're like, how do they do it? They did they blow it open or did they just correctly guess the code or sixty nine sixty nine?

Honestly, I I've been surprised.

I would actually be surprised if they found White House documents in Trump's safe, because the safe is where you keep your most prized possessions. Yeah, so in my head, searching through Trump's safe would probably go a lot more like this.

All right, guys, let's see what we have in here?

All right, my god, the entire safe is just filled with macrib after macrib This is this is They're stacked on top of each other. This is I don't even understand. It's an unventilated safe. Who would do this way?

Wait? Wait, hold on, there's a secret panel in the bottom. I think we found it.

We just found no another macreaar Boyd's another macrare.

Now you might be wondering. You might be wondering. Isn't this an extremely explosive situation for the United States? Yes, it is. It is.

You don't want to let a former president get away with crimes, right, because nobody in America is above the law except corporations and rich people and police and celebrities sometimes, but aside from them, nobody is above the law. But at the same time, even the perception that the Justice Department is being used to go after your political opponents. That could erode people's trust in governments. So it's a really tricky situation and the only thing we can do

This is an abomination, this is gestapo crap.

It's probably the worst day in the history of the FBI.

This is a wake up call for those in Congress to be able to use the tools at their disposal to defund the FBI, dismantle the FBI into a thousand bits.

Representative Marjory Taylor Green simply tweeting, defund the FBI.

If this is what they're able to do to the former president of the United States, think about what they could do to you, to anybody in America.

The real target of this investigation isn't Trump. The real target of this investigation is you. Do we have a dual justice system in America? Is their equal justice under the law?

I am deathly afraid for Donald Trump. I would not put assassination behind these people.

We're entering ab basically a Venezuelan Zimbabwean East German style Banana Republican which the law doesn't.

Matter Okay, this is some third world bullshit right here.

Let me say it again, third world bullshit.

All right.

First of all, as someone from the third world, maybe leave us out of your ship ones.

Huh, how about that?

That's the show, poor girl, pull ship right here, here's your show.

Every time, every time Americans want to call something in America that that's corrupt, all of a sudden, they're like, oh, this is third world bullshit.

My man, At what point do you realize that it's happening here.

It's you.

It's you.

Bad things only happen.

In other countries when it's it's still happening in another country.

In fact, when something happens in the actual third world. Yeah, these days America's gotten so bad. People in Africa are like, are you kidding me? This is just like America. Ah no, this place is turning into America. What are we doing here? What are we doing? But I do get what super Karen is saying.

If the FBI, if the FBI is going to go off the Trump for stealing classified documents from the White House, then what's to stop them from going after you?

When you steal classified.

Documents from the White House, it's not the country we want to live in where anyone can be investigated just for the.

Crime of doing crimes.

I don't think so.

It has been one month since the FBI rated Donald Trump's beautiful Mara Lago home and stole his beautiful top secret documents, and we're still getting new information every day, Like it just came out that one of the documents in Trump's possession had secret information about a foreign country's nuclear defense capabilities. Yeah, so now America needs to send out letters to every country in the world, like those ones you get from your credit card company.

And know what it's like. So there was a data breach and you're probably gonna want to change your nuclear codes.

But even if you think you've been following the story closely, you haven't rarely unless you know how they're covering it on Fox News. So for that perspective, here's Daisilidik with another installment of Foxplains.

What is the secret document scandal really about? Why is it happening now? On a scale of one's the most innocent man who's ever lived? How innocent is Donald Trump? Well, I've been watching Fox News for twenty six days straight and I'm ready to Fox flame the biggest witch hunt since Dorothy's skipped down that yellow brick road with a robot. Furry people. This wasn't a search, this was a ray. The woke FBI smashed the window and broke in, and Merrick Garland took a bubble bath in Trump's cub and

Can I see it?

Seriously, Donald Trump took documents, documents. This is no worse than what Hillary did, which was terrible and she should go to prison, which is why Trump should not go to prison.

Do I have to list why it's okay that he has the documents? Okay?

Attorney client privilege, executive privilege, white privilege, diplomatic community, uh, the Kavanaugh hearings. Trump is technically still the president because he never gave us two weeks notice. Double Jeopardy. That's gotta be a thing, right, Seriously, we're prosecuting Trump on the espionage actor, trying to get an American president on a French word. I don't think so pepping a pew

Not a riot.

It was a normal tourist activity, which is good or bad either way. I will not be picking up my kids from school that day. Sorry, sweez. This is just another deep state hoax and a major distraction from the real story. Joe Biden gave a speech wain starkout, that's all for this week by everyone.

Merrick Grland is a space elf.

Okay, you guys, remember that for the past six months, We've been roasting the shit out of Donald Trump for keeping classified documents at his house, and.

I have to agree.

What kind of moron, I mean, what kind of.

Irresponsible piece of shit.

Would keep classified documents.

At his house? I mean, he's got to be the only dumbass that would do something so stupid.

Breaking news from the White House more classified documents were found in President Biden's Delaware home.

Just roll the damn tape this morning, and President Biden is facing growing calls for transparency from Republicans and even some Democrats amid the Special Council's investigation into his handling of classified documents after he left the Obama administration.

Pressure is mounting. After this weekend, the White House Council's office said additional pages of classified documents were discovered inside the President's Delaware home. It comes after about a dozen initially discovered at mister Biden's private office, including at least one document marked top secret. That followed by two batches discovered in Delaware, including inside his garage.

Classified material next to your corvette?

What were you thinking, by.

The way, my corvettion in the lot garage? Okay, so it's not like a shitting out in the street.

What this is a national security emergency? Okay, a man is owed with access.

To a cordinet.

Ah.

I don't know what's more scary, Biden losing the nuclear codes or Biden going.

Eighty five on the highway. Biden, please do not drive that corvette.

Your ass can't even ride a bike.

Let me tell you something.

He probably loves talking about the scandal because it gives him a chance to talk about his corvette. Hey, everybody, I've got stolen documents next.

To my sweet corvette.

Joel Greed's like, now you're burn enough for greed, like man who greed, like man.

Helert.

I know this is a big scandal, but honestly, I think these document this was pretty safe at Biden's house because it's hard to find anything in an old man's garage. Grandpa, where's the document?

It's by the leaf bloorer.

You have six leaf Grandpa.

But can I just say this for a minute, I am so disappointed in you, Joe Biden, because this is the Trump scandal.

You copy stealing documents.

You could have been black balls deep and porn stars.

Your dumb.

But there's a bigger problem here because first, there was Trump, now is Biden. What I need to know is who is in charge of these documents? Who is the bitch who is freely giving out classic card documents?

What's up, y'all?

How you doing?

Man?

You wanna get some documents? Check this out? Though.

I just came back from lunch and I smoked the biggest bliss I have ever rolled.

So I'm real high right now. So it's your lucky day. I'm gonna hook you up with all the documents you need right now.

You know what, Just take what you want.

But wait, wait, I'm gonna need to get you to sign. Hold on, let me get something for you to just sign.

You know what.

I remember you, I remember, I.

Trust you, I trust I trust.

But you gotta be cool, son, You gotta be cool with these documents. Okay, where you're gonna hide them at? Where you in the corvette?

You got a corvette?

Take whatever you need.

Youg Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount plus

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