TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration

You're listening to Comedy Central.

Turning to our top story, the debate over a new immigration laws caused a rift between moderate Republicans who want to reform immigration without alienating Hispanic voters, and conservatives who would prefer to turn immigrants into some sort of food stuff for people on medicare.

Soylent verde. If you will, I see you've all taken stanut, and I say done now. At the heart of this.

Debate is a bill approved by the Senate Judiciary Committee that would let illegal aliens take steps towards citizenship. Those steps towards citizenship, learn English, pay taxes, and start resenting future immigrants. But critics say granting citizenship to illegal aliens amounts to amnesty for lawbreakers.

Senator John McCain disagrees.

This bill that came out of the Judiciary Committee effectively does grant amnesty to millions of immigrants who are now here illegally.

Well, Charlie, that's just absolutely false. It allows them to earn citizenship.

Well, I, at my peril get into an argument with the guy who has fashioned this bill over the definition of amnesty. But I said a moment ago, if they fulfill certain conditions, which you outline. But if illegal.

Immigrantnesty, then it's not amnesty. Amnesty is forgiveness. This is this is payment of a fine.

Replied Gibson. I see, well, I certainly don't want to.

Uh.

Clearly you've almost as amnesty the bill, and why would Charlie Gibson do that?

Seems childish.

The bill faces a competing proposal from Senator Bill Frist, seen here explaining to Southeast Asian children how tears transmit AIDS. He favors deportation for any illegals, and he explained his position on the Fox News show Hannity and his huddling sidekick Yearning to breathe free.

He said, deshauned just a moment ago to hear illegally they should go back and get in line to come back in. But wouldn't that create an underground And you can't just deport eleven million people And that's just not a workable policy, is it?

Well?

I think it is is workable.

It's absolutely workable. I mean, just think about Elian Gonzales.

How easy that was. Now just times that by eleven million.

One of the most outspoken advocates for stronger immigration reform isn't a politician at all.

But CNN's lou.

Dobbs, whose guest Monday night, Hispanic rights activist Janet Mergia, defended protesters that were out there waving Mexican flags.

There's a sense of pride with anybody. We just had Saint Patrick's Day.

Are you saying that Irish because they're holding up their Irish flags, that all of a sudden they're not loyal or they're an American?

You're ready to to me lobbing player, I'm here. I don't think that we should have any flag flying in this country except the flag of the United States. I don't think there should be a Saint Patrick's Day. I don't care who you are.

With more.

I'm joined by our resident expert, John Hodgman.

John, thank you so much for.

You are.

And now I need to tell you you're a leading authority on immigration.

Yes, that's true. In fact, the heartwarming tale of my own immigrant past titled My Grandparents were slav or Something comes out next Friday.

Thanks for the play. You're very welcome, John. Why did this bill once again not even able to come up for a vote.

Was the so called amnesty issue just too toxic for the Republican base.

No, John, there was a larger con here, one that my fellow television experts have picked up.

On, Chuck.

Some illegal immigrants are bringing diseases back into the US that we thought were wiped out long ago.

A lot of diseases are coming back, and it's because these twelve million illegals who come across the border.

Now, Professor Gibson and doctor Buchanan have it exactly right. The immigration debate. Was it hard a public health issue? I'll be blunt, John, Illegal aliens have tuberculosis and leprosy.

John, were not. You can't.

You can't possibly be talking about tuberculosis and leprosy, Chuck.

Hey, John, Yeah, we're talking about tuberculosis and leprosy.

You heard what a person on television just said, John Leary, in this country incredible leprosy in this country incredible. Alas, those words are as true now as they were when I said them just before.

Lou Dobsta.

Leprosy.

Yes, its effects are already being felt. Look at this chart, John, because you can see in the last seven years, the average number of fingers her American hand has dropped off, while the number of fingers that have dropped off has risen dramatically. If this trend continues by twenty fifteen, Well, you can see what might happen.

But so and that's because of illegal aliens. John, the chart is fundamentally wrong.

Well, John, you're right. It might not be prooves that Americans have in the future, could be talons or claused.

Some kind of.

Data is still coming in, but the conclusion is inescapable. All Mexicans are lepers.

John, I cannot in good conscience allow this to go unchallenged.

I'm sorry, it's good.

I love a good debate. Put up your hoofs.

The SoundBite that you played from Ludo.

Yes, good fellow, ten fingers John.

He reported there were seven thousand cases of leprosy in America in the last three years, supposedly because of illegal aliens.

That turned out to be wrong. Look at this.

We check that and found a report issued by the US Department of Health and Human Services saying seven thousand is the number of leprosy cases over the last thirty years, not the past three and nobody knows how many of those cases involve illegal immigrants.

Ah at sixty minutes Hawd He answer to that, that's just typical limousine leopard propaganda.

Now, John, I feel like bringing these diseases out is just a scare tactic.

You're right, John, it is very scary, but it doesn't stop at disease.

They're at least thirty thousand illegal immigrants who belonged to gangs, which are violent, which are drug dealing.

Some are looking for trouble, try to smuggle guns and drugs into our country, and god knows what else.

Many of them are child molesters, they're drunk drivers, they're rapists and robbers.

My colleagues, Nobel Laureate Gingrich, Princeton's Albert Einstein, professor of quantum physics Beck and doctor Buchanan have it right. Let me be blunt, John. I can't read the prompter without my glasses, John, So it stops there.

I understand that.

But stunning Buchanan himself Irish American.

Is I don't know.

I don't see color, John.

You know, John, when the Irish came to this country, they were subject to almost the exact same accusations. There were diseased, drunkards guilty of immoral behavior.

Well, at the time those charges may have been warranted. I mean, look at the historical record is captured in this file foot in from Elis Island. You can't deny that murderous leprechauns were killing our children.

It's a matter of fact. Your point in all this.

Hope, John, simple pure hope that one day these tubercular, leprous, molesting immigrants can repeat the uniquely American journey of the fiendish, green blooded Irish from unwanted immigrants to not wanting immigrants, while obviously still taking their orders directly from the Pope.

John, Thank you very much, John, John Hodgman, we'll be right by.

Let's get right to the big story.

For months, the country has suffered through divided government, corrosive partisan dead luck.

But last week in the Senate a breakthrough.

We have reached a broad agreement on a very complicated bill.

A complicated bill.

So that means this bill is more than just a renewal of the Puppies are better than Hitler Act. Not that, not that that didn't have issues, So what was this bill about?

A comprehensive immigration reform bill.

The agreement we just reached is the best possible chance we will have in years to secure our borders, bring millions of people out of the shadows and into the sunshine of America.

We must bring millions of people out of the garage and onto the front yards of America where they can Luis, I told you I needed the driveway clean.

I guess is my point? Vote Quimby?

All right, how would the country react to this very rare display of statesmanship? But if immigrant groups are angry over the bill, at least that means the anti immigrant crowd must be pleased.

What do you think of the deal?

I think the deal stinks.

Blunt.

There's no way this great Republic can afford this legislation.

Dramatic.

We're turning over more to Canada and Mexico, and I do not like that. It's a destruction of our sovereignty.

I guess that was Leghorn esque. I'll share, I'll share, Shay, I'll shall share. Gotta I gotta respect my sovereignty.

So the left is piste off, the right is pissed off.

And ladies and gentlemen, here comes the president, flanked by his silent wingmen. All right, here's the plan. We're gonna go out there. I'm gonna do some immigration talking now. If everything goes good, I'll take some questions. But if anyone sees anything suspicious, like a squirrel or something, we just pivot, turn and walk away like we rehearse. Comprehendive.

Okay, let's do it.

I really am anxious to sign a comprehensive immigration bill as soon as I possibly can.

Today we took a good step toward that direction.

Thank you. Hey, is the squirrel following us?

So?

What is the uh?

We have the advantage of writing to footage what is

Things and must begin.

So Asif.

Basically the idea is.

There are different types of visas.

People already on the margins of societies also have to come up with five thousand dollars.

This legal legalization process does not sound easy.

Well, it's not supposed to be, John. It wasn't easy for our European ancestors. They had a long, arduous journey just to get here, and then they had to kill a continence worth of squatters while still suffering from boltlag. I think these new immigrants have it easy. Give me a choice between wiping out a nation of indigenous peoples and bussing tables. It's no contest.

Better tips awsif.

Obviously not not to get personal, but you yourself were not born here, You're you're brown.

I was going to suggest, it's.

Fine, John, I know I'm brown, but I'm from India. I'm tech support slash cardiologists brown. Shout out, not dishwasher slash Los Angeles parking attendant brown. And I say that with no disrespect.

Of course not awsive.

But doesn't this really point out with this bill is isn't this bill really about the fact that these immigrants are Mexicans?

Absolutely not, John, This debate has nothing to do with the ethnicity of these Mexicans.

You're not in your head, Austin.

Oh, it's a nervous tick. Mexicans make me nervous.

Another controversial aspect of the bill is that families of these immigrants will no longer be given special status that they used to have. Immigrant status will be evaluated on some kind of point system.

That's right. For example, immigrants to speak English, we'll get ten points, those who work in science and healthcare get eight points, military service five points, no leprosy two points, and if you use all your letters, fifty bonus points.

Austin, what is the point system trying to accomplish?

Well?

That lets us know who's worthy. You know, people like you could be satisfied with this being a nation of twelve to fifteen point immigrants.

I think we can do better.

It'll be like the SATs. Assigning a point value will keep us from becoming a safety country. This is America, John, not Wesleyan, but it.

Is the antithesis of our founding us.

If what happened to the motto, the old motto give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, Well, that was.

The old slogan. John America has rebranded it's immigration policy, and the new slogan is what can Brown.

Do for you?

Illegal immigration is on everyone's minds, and the increasing population of Latinos has plenty of white Americans concerned. I sat down with four of those extremely passionate citizens.

If you look around, there's a lot of Hispanic people. I mean not that there's any I'm not racist or anything, but imigrants to keep populating. We might have two kids, what do they have four or five kids? I would say in seven, eight, yeah, maybe nine.

Maybe I should have mentioned I was Latino.

All cultures are not equal. I live in Korea.

Challenge here, So you're you're saying your problem is Koreans. No, Koreans are fine, but see, Koreans are different.

Koreans are like Chinese.

You don't see problems with the Chinese immigrants, even though they're illegal.

It's getting hot here, certainly sweat through my shirt.

Latinos are worse than both Koreans and the Chinese.

That's a fact.

But law enforcement agents like Richard Jones know how to stop this illegal menace.

And I suppose you're going to say the solution is to round everybody up.

No, the solution is not to round them all up. The solution is to where they don't have the stuff that they've got here, free stuff.

For free stuff, free stuff.

You get a computer when you come here.

What kind of computer?

Every talking a new computer?

The Dell Gateway type of thing.

They get new computers. They get their are payments, they get their house payments. They get free medical care where they get it here in the United States.

No, but specifically where.

I would love to get some free computers and some free medical care.

I've got to come here illegally to get the free style. It's welfare at its worst.

I wanted to talk to these Mexican moochers, and luckily I was in a police with a lot of them. Texas, a state where Latinos will outnumber everyone by twenty twenty, which made it really easy to put together a panel of Latino immigrants.

I'm myself and from Alpaso, Texas.

You just said you were Texan, Yeah, wait, wait, wait.

Show of hands.

How many of you people are in Texas? The stars at night are big and bright.

Texas.

Clearly you look Latino.

But you're really claiming that you're Texas.

I was born in Texas, but my heritage is Mexican.

What damn it? Those were the wrong types of Latinos. I needed the illegals with the free computers, so I went deep undercover. Edward James almost stopped.

How long have you been taking free benefits from the United States?

Never?

I work here really hard.

I never received nothing.

You get free things and you know it.

No, when did you come to America?

Jesus?

One second?

How do you turn this thing down? Jesus?

Oh seriously, how do you turn this down?

With the let's switch man?

So fellas dress pretty nice for landscapers. Landscapers manage my family business.

I work on a law firm.

But can you please not talk like that?

Like what the way you're talking about?

He dressed like such a dick? What are you talking about? Bro?

This is how Latinos dress.

Maybe in nineteen ninety.

Two, bro, But don't let these seemingly nice people fool you.

The illegals that come into this country theirs is to come in and take and not pay the taxes. And that's not the American dream.

Who exactly are we talking about.

They're not wealthy people sneaking across it, not wealth at all. No, you can't just come across on your own. They call them their their mules, and if you have nothing to pay, they'll abuse you along the way.

It sounds exhausting, very exhausting.

And so they have them all huddled together in these groups.

Yes, why what are they yearning for to feel free?

See you're saying that there are tired, poor, huddled masses yearning for freedom.

That's not what America is about.

It's not why I'm saying at all.

Just get behind the line.

That's how we keep it this beautiful in a great country.

But for how long? Because the menace is already here.

They're already in your state, your town, maybe even your street, and they are cold latinos.

You got dinners.

Boston market watch out because they're not leaving until they get what they came for. Nice yet a life as boring as yours, and they are prepared to do anything to get it.

Yard.

Don't forget the Book of Burgers for Tracy.

And the LA chips are down and their backs are against the wall. They'll make the best things also you've ever had. So wake up, America. The Latinos aren't coming. They're already here Latinos.

Now that the tax plan has passed, the biggest issue facing Washington is immigration reform.

Now.

Unfortunately, Democrats and Republicans have never been able to agree on this issue. Do you kick all the illegal immigrants out? Do you give them a path to citizenship? Do you take their cuisine and then kick them out? Do you clean their house?

Like?

What do you do?

What do you do?

It's a contentious issue and no one has been able to get both parties to make a deal. Fortunately, America elected a man with a particular set of skills. As he told us when he was still applying for the job.

With Congress, you have to get everybody in a room and you have to get him to agree. But you have to get him to agree what you want. And that's part of being a deal maker. You can't leave the White House, go to Hawaii and play golf for three weeks and be a real deal maker.

It doesn't work that way.

You have to get people in, grab them, hug them, kiss them, and get the deal done. But it's gotta be the deal that you want.

Yeah, a deal making president conscious go to hole and play golf. He goes to Florida.

It's much closer.

You get an extra nine holes in and you grabbed the people and you hug them and you kiss it. Like turn into Harvey Weinstein in the middle of the rows going on. So Trump promised to get Republicans and Democrats into a room, and guess what, yesterday, that's exactly what he did, assembling over a dozen congressional leaders to

My positions are going to be what the people in this room.

Come up with.

I am very much reliant on the people in this room. If they come to me with things that I'm not in love with, I'm gonna do it because I respect them.

I love that he's acting like a tough, in control leader while at the same time telling everyone he will do anything they want. He's like, let's get this straight, asshole, I'm your bitch.

You will walk all over me.

And if you got a problem with that, I apologize.

Now.

The main discussion in this meeting was what to do about DHAKA, which is expiring in March.

Now.

DAKA has a program that allows around seven hundred thousand undocumented immigrants who were brought to the US when they were children to stay in the US and not to be deported because think about it, they could be punished for a decision that their parents made to bring them here. You know, It's like how you were punished for your parents' decision to take you to supercuts. It's not your faults. Now,

That one?

Remember that wall. So while both sides want DHACA, there's a clean DHAKA and then there's DHAKA with everything else. And if you were running a high level negotiation about DOCCA, this would be a key concept to understand. But if I told you that there was one person in the

I'd like to ask the question, what about a clean Docaville now and with the commitment that we go into a comprehensive immigration reform procedures.

I think a lot of people would like to see them, but I think we have to do doctor.

Mister President, you need to be clear, though.

I think what Senator Feinstein's asking here when we talk about just DOCCA, we don't want to be.

Back here two years later.

You have to have security, as the Secretary would tell you.

I think that's what you're say.

It looks like McCarthy was gently correcting a stupid kid.

You know.

It's just like I want clean doc out. No, mister President, you don't want clean DOCA.

I don't want clean doc up. I want lie.

I think it's so cute that whenever Trump is out of his depth, he gives himself away with that little hug that he gives himself a comfort. You know, it's like his a little thundershirt. He does that thing.

Yeah, look at him, he looks He looks like the.

Oldest bee boy in the crew.

You know.

All you have to do is put him in a music video and he would crush it. He would just be killing the game. Go DJ, go DJ, Go DJ go DJ. But actually, actually, it's not fair to say that Trump knows nothing about what he wants on immigration reform.

Right.

He might be a little shots on facts, but the important thing is he's got the feeling.

Having the Democrats in with us is absolutely vital because this should be a bipartisan there.

There should be a bill of love.

Truly should be a bill of love.

That's right, people, there should be a bill of love, which is ridiculous. You don't get to call that a bill of love. Right. That's a bill that funds a two thousand mile wall. You don't call that the bill of love, even if the wall is full of glory holes, right,

About two hundred thousand immigrants from l Salvador could face deportation next year after the White House announced it is ending their temporary protected status.

These individuals who had been granted temporary protected status now have eighteen months to try to find another legal way to stay in the United States or be sent back to Al Salvador. Many of them fled Al Salvador because of violence during that country civil war or after the two thousand and one earthquake which devastated the country.

Yeah, while President Bill of Love puts on a show for the cameras, behind the scenes, his administration is kicking out two hundred thousand people who have lived in the US legally for decades, which is heartless because these people have set up their whole lives. They have jobs, they have houses. Many of them have kids who were born in the US. These are families, mister President, human beings. You can't just treat them the same way you treat Eric.

So I'm definitely going back.

But over the past few years, Texas governor has been scaling back the state's hospitality, particularly towards undocumented immigrants. He's had them arrested, He's called out the National Guard. He even told citizens to quote take matters into their own hands.

Yeah.

But last week, Governor Abott he took things to a whole new level when he decided to start bussing illegal immigrants from Texas all the way to Washington, d C. Yeah, as a way to hit back at the Biden administration's immigration policies. And now the first bus has.

Arrived about an hour ago.

The first bus full of migrants from Texas arrived right outside the Fox Bureau in Washington, d C.

This bus took off from Del Rio, Texas. It left Saturday at four pm, I'm told, and has traveled for over three days straight to get here. There's a group from Nicaragua. I was just spoke to six young men from Venezuela. I asked him what they wanted to do next. They said they wanted to go to Miami, and I asked if they were gonna get there. They said, they didn't know. They're here in this country. They're willing to work hard.

We're here in the food court at Union Station, where a lot of them have been getting something to eat because this was a thirty four hour bus ride. They said they are very excited to be here. They feel welcome. They said that they know that they are a prop in all of this, but they wanted to come anyway.

You know, I don't care what anyone says. America is one of the craziest countries in the world, because what is happening here?

People?

Do you see what is happening here? One day the governor's building a wall to keep immigrants out, and the next day he's giving them a free ride to the Capitol.

What are you doing?

But I also don't think that he fully thought this through, because if you're trying to deter immigrants, don't you think this sends a mixed message.

No, huh yeah, because you realize they're gonna be calling home.

Like you know, as soon as I crossed the border, they captured me and they took me to Washington, DCA.

I think I want to meet the president.

Oh man, you guys gotta come over as quick as you can, say, say, Greg Abbott sank you man.

It's crazy.

Also, of all of the places to drop the people, if you chose Fox News is headquarters in DC. Really, how are you gonna do that to Fox News? Man? Those people are already terrified of imaginary immigrants. Now what are they gonna do when the real ones show up? Those people are canny kids.

God is like everyone's showing up to the Fox Bureau.

I bet in that office everyone's screaming like.

Oh my god, the caravan is here.

What I thought we made that up?

I thought so too.

It's a so interesting that the immigrants know that they're being used as pawns, but they're willing to.

Get shipped out of Texas. Anywhere.

I like that, and I like their honesty. They're like, yeah, we get what's happening here, but we're fine. I guess maybe they just prefer to be in a state.

With a reliable power grid.

That's what they were going for, you know.

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever.

You get your podcast.

Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven.

Tenth Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount

Plus Paramount Podcasts