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America has always been home to titans of industry, but only one capitalist and history has ever been this much of a Georgian.
I'm Jeff Bezos.
I'm the founder of Amazon dot Com.
This is the daily showography of Jeff Bezos, History's most powerful nerd. Born to teenage parents in Albuquerque, New Mexico, Jeff's identity asserted itself early.
I was very nerdy and good student.
I liked school.
His favorite place in the world was radio Shack, where he developed an appreciation for technology, cheap garbage from China, and underpaying workers. After graduating from high school as valedictorian, Jeff attended Princeton, one of the best colleges for nerds.
Socially, I was a little awkward.
I didn't really date much until like my last year of college. Actually, I so sort of a formal plan to date. I'll had all my friends something up on blind dates. None of them worked out very well.
Yes, despite many positive reviews from his friends, women found the actual product wasn't what they had been led to believe. After college, Bezos joined a Wall Street hedge fund. On Wall Street, Bezos also found something almost as good as money, his future ex wife, Mackenzie Scott. She would later tell Vogue Magazine it was Jeff's laugh that made her fall in love with him. Hey, sometimes love is blind and death. It was around this time that Jeff noticed that the world was changing.
Came across the startling statistic that web usage was growing at twenty three hundred percent a year. So I decided I would try and find a business plan that made sense in the context of that growth, and I picked books as the first best product to sell online.
With a quarter million dollar investment from his parents, a garage to work from, and mc hammer Khaki's Bezos launched his empireot Within a few years, Amazon went from online bookseller to Wall Street Darling to the so called everything store. Third party vendors could sell literally anything on Amazon's website, from stuff to put in your butt to stuff you shouldn't put in your butt but will anyway because you're
not a coward. Amazon was taking the world by storm, and while Bezos was still literally the nerdiest person in the world.
My watch updates itself from the atomic clock thirty six times a day, if that gives you an indication.
He was driving Amazon into the future, a future of non stop grow. How did Jeff Bezos transform himself into a life sized Oscar statue by using his big nerdy brain to devise a perfect growth plan to expand his business and his body. Since starting Amazon, Bezos has amassed a net worth of two hundred billion dollars, money that
he's used to make the world a better place. Sure, he spent some of it on a super yacht that has its own yacht in the world's fastest jet and like a shit ton of mansions, exotic food, a prehistoric bear skeleton, and some gigantic clock that only takes once a year. But he also gave back. Yeah, Bezos paid zero federal income taxes for two years. Maybe not to his country, but he has given nearly one point five
percent of his net worth to charity. And while he didn't share much of his wealth with Amazon workers, he definitely helped them to boldly go where no one has gone before.
Amazon workers have to pee into bottles because.
Of Amazon's stringent quotas keep them too busy to go to the bathroom.
You know what they say, Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to piss in a bottle while he eats his fish, he only has to take a two minute lunch break. Jeff's plan was working perfectly, but there was one thing his plan didn't take into account, that all his success would go to his head.
The National Inquirer obtained nude photos of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. The pictures and racy text messages from Bezos to his girlfriend, Lauren Sanchez led to the end of his marriage.
With one stupid mistake, Jeff lost the thing that was most important to him in all the world, thirty eight billion dollars. Jeff had hit rock bottom. He had literally showed the world his dick. But soon he would bounce back by showing the world his bigger, shinier, rocket powered dick and riding it to the Cosmos.
Tonight mission accomplished. Jeff Bezos launches into.
Space in the first unpiloted, fully civilian suble riddled flight. Yes, Bezos accomplished his boyhood dream and same day shipped himself into the stars. Bezos had finally done it. He finally made space travels seem uncool.
I also, I want to thank every Amazon employee and every Amazon customer because you guys paid for all of this.
And now the world knows the real Jeff Bezos as well as Jeff Bezos knows himself.
I always worked really hard.
I was nerdy.
You were nerdy.
I was nerdy. That hasn't changed, by the way.
Let's take a moment to get into business and talk about Amazon. They're the reason you were able to do all of your holiday shopping without wearing pants. That shit doesn't fly it best by trust me, I've tried, and now Amazon is finding new ways to keep you coming back.
Amazon is sending shoppers free samples curated to their tastes as part of the company's push into advertising axios, reporting products free of charge that you may like are going to show up on your doorstep, and it's all based on your purchase history on the website.
Okay, I like the idea, but how's Amazon going to send you a sample of something? I mean, I get how that would work with like food or shampoo, But Amazon sells everything. Are they gonna send you like half a TV, the handle of a coffee mug, just the tip of a dildo. You're like, if you enjoyed this sample, you'll love the shaft but free samples aren't the biggest story about Amazon today because just this morning, Jeff Bezos, Amazon CEO and the winner of Capitalism, announced that he
and his wife, Mackenzie, are getting divorced. Now, we joke a lot about Amazon, but it is sad to see any relationship not workout. Thankfully, it does sound amicable, and we wish both of them the best because at the end of the day, we're all people here. We know how it feels to go through a tough breakup. I
don't think there's a joke about that. Unless you are a financial analyst at CNBC, then there is something funny, you know, because you you watch these people who are trying to talk about human emotions on air for the very first time.
Jeff Bezos tweets a few moments ago that he's getting divorced.
Yeah, that was somewhat surprise him.
Yeah, Mackenzie Bezos will become one of the richest people.
In the world. Unclear what and where her interests may lie in terms of that. Listen, you know, I don't care if the richest guy in the world or not.
Getting divorce is is never fun. I'm sure you know it's the crazest thing to tweet this.
It is. I don't know what else to say other than the fact that he didn't need to do it, and the man tweeted it.
You didn't need to.
Yeah, a lot of times you kind of.
Don't really kind of talk about it kind of, you know, I mean kind of, I mean, you know what I mean.
Kind yeah, right, well right, it's like, wow, business Louis c Ko. But they didn't do well with that information. Uh yeah, Emotional news is not his strong suit and I'm glad he's on CNBC and not working as a veterinarian. You know, it's just be like, so you're a cat, he kind of you know, his his thyroid and then he's kidney kind of which for felines I don't know. But anyway, here's these ashes, you know what i mean. So law on the Bezos divorce, I'm joined by our
financial analysts. Does he, like, like everybody as as awkward as CNBC's divorce therapist. You can't deny that there is a huge financial aspect to this story.
Oh yeah, now that's true, Trevor. This is a huge deal. Jeff Bezos is the richest man in the world and under Washington state law, he has to split everything he's earned during their marriage fifty to fifty. McKenzie Bezos will get sixty six billion dollars. Yeah, this is the biggest transfer of wealth since Warren Buffett left his debit card at McDonald's drive through.
Sixty six billion dollars. I can't imagine having that much money, let alone losing that much money.
Yeah, and you're really rich, Trevor. I mean, there was a whole week where you just paid us to speak for you. But look, Jeff Bezos will be fine. Don't worry about Jeff Bezos. Okay, he'll be fine. He's still gonna have sixty six billion dollars. I mean, he's not gonna be one of those divorce dads eating spaghettios over the sink of his studio apartment. He'll be eating spaghettios over the Mediterranean from the third story of his yacht. Oh,
which reminds me this story is brought to you by spaghettios. Spaghettios. Divorce is hard, but so is boiling pasta.
Actually, Dosi, some of us like spaghetios for the flavo in the shapes, you know, But whatever, So you think this divorce settlement is fair?
Oh yeah, no, definitely. A marriage is a partnership. Mackenzie Bezos twenty five years helping her husband grow his business and grow his swagger. I mean, look at that. He went from fleated pants salesman to jacked up arms dealer. Am I right, Yeah, it's totally fair. Look, but that chapter is now closed. Okay, it's over now, And this next phase is crucial. You have a wealthy person navigating a painful time in their lives, unsure about what to
do next. And here's where I cannot stress this enough. It is so important to get married again right away. Find some someone blonde who will take care of you, you know, like a like a city gal who also feels at home on your private island. Someone who will divorce my husband at the drop of a hat.
Oh whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa Wait WAITSI does he come on? This is weird. Just come on the show to pitch yourself as a spouse for Jeff Bezos.
Oh whoa, whoa what?
No? How dare you? Trevor?
No, I am pitching myself as this else for Mackenzie Bezos. Yeah, this woman, this woman is beautiful. She's an accomplished author, She's studied under Tony Morrison at Princeton.
And now she's worth sixty six billion dollars.
Oh is she rights?
Yes?
No, yes, now she has worth sixty six billion dollars. I mean you say she's a whole package. Mackenzie, call me. I can be on a plane tomorrow or today if you use Prime the future.
Missus, Mackenzie Bezos says, held like everyone Jeff Bezos. Two months ago, the Amazon CEO and shaved muppet revealed that his nude photos had been leaked to the National Enquirer. That's right. They somehow got pictures of his Amazon package, and now the big surprise is how they may have gotten them.
This morning, an exclusive new claim that Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos was targeted in an alleged phone hacking scheme conducted by Saudi Arabia. Bezos launched his own private investigation in an effort to determine who leaked the intimate text messages and racy photos published in a bombshell National Inquirer story about the billionaire's extra marital affair with girlfriend Lauren Sanchez.
Our investigators and several experts concluded with high confidence that the Saudis had access to Bezos's phone and gained private information.
Okay, I give up. If the world's biggest tech CEO can get his phone hacked, the rest of us don't stand the chance. Now, I'm serious. I'm just gonna go ahead and send my dick picture Saudi Arabia right now. Save them the trouble. They've probably like, no, Trevor, we don't want to see. Are too late? Too late? You
got them all? The third one's my favorites. But seriously, though, like you would think that Jeff Bezos would be impossible to but I guess at the same time it is Jeff Bezos, which means you can probably get into his face ID using any thumb.
Ah.
But all right, let's move on. Amazon. It's the reason you stayed up until three am reading reviews of paper clips. Yesterday, founder and evil doorknob Jeff Bezos announced that he'll be stepping down at CEO to become the company's executive chair, where he'll dedicate his time to things like philanthropy and space travel. And can I just say, you know you're rich when you're like, I'm retiring to spend more time with other planets. Although if we're honest, he's not exactly retiring, right.
Jeff Bezos says he's transitioning to the role of executive chair. Now. I don't know exactly what an executive chair is, but I looked it up on Google and it looks like this, and I guess that's just a perk of being a billionaire. You can get plastic surgery to look like a chair and still have money to go to space. I mean, whatever makes you happy, man. What I was like, like's a position either way. I just wanted to say congratulations
to Jeff Bezos. I mean, what he created is a testament to the power of innovation and the simple dream of destroying bookstores. Now, in case you're worried, Jeff Bezos
will be fine without having a steady income. I mean, sure, he's no longer the richest person in the world after being passed by future Batman villain Elon Musk, but he's still worth one hundred and eighty four point six billion dollars and he made that money the way any billionaire does, hard work, smart investments, and mugging delivery guys.
An other Amazon News the e commerce giant agreed to pay nearly sixty two million dollars to settle charges it skimmed tips for delivery drivers. The Federal Trade Commission says Amazon began pocketing some tips from customers to drivers between twenty sixteen and twenty nineteen. The FTC says the e commerce giant assured drivers who were part of the Amazon Flex program that they were still receiving all of their tips.
No, I'm sorry, guys, know how rich do you have to be? Huh? Amazon is worth a trillion dollar trillion dollars and still it's sneaking tips away from its drivers. Like nah, man, no tip from that house either. I know it's crazy, right, but Amazon can get away with this because they're not a real person. You see, if a real person got caught at a boss stealing tips from the table, there'd be a fight. And maybe that's
actually what needs to happen. You know, if a company does something that would get a person's ass beat, then that company has to pick an executive to get his ass beats. Yeah, that way, that'd be at least somebody at Amazon who would have said, no, guys, guys, guys, we're not stealing tips. I can't get thrown through another window. Guys, So just to point someone like that, you know, you can even give him a made up title like executive chair. Wait,
so it's a real thing. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching.
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