TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie

You're listening to Comedy Central. Wow, Belly up to the Barbie.

Some of Hollywood's biggest stars turned out to honor a hunk of molded petroleum as Barbie turns forty, making her too old to play the girlfriend and too young to play the mother. Here's Brandy singing the Barbie marching song, be Anything with a chorus of future divorce as she looks just like Mosha.

Sh and Dream Dream.

And here's Brandy talking.

Barbie means so much to young little girls, and she's so positive. She's very classy. And I'm just happy to be here, you know, because that's the way you know I am.

Yes, that's exactly right, Brandy, because class is all about telling people. You're classy.

Tell me more about this fabulous woman, Mabbie, you are the best.

Happy Anniversary.

That was Barbie's role model to Clark, who's also made entirely out of age retardant space age polymers.

Oh is that a microphone?

I always love Barbies.

We never really had enough money to have a lot of barbiees, but we had we had a few.

No, Rosie had only a few Barbies. Every morning they were forced to sit on the couch and laugh at her jokes.

For a whole hour.

According to Mattel, somewhere in the world, a Barbie doll is sold every two seconds, and every five seconds a little girl starts to hate the way she looks tattooed Barbie outrage's parents. Barbie exclaims I was drunk. A tattooed version of the Barbie doll, called Butterfly Art Barbie, has come under fire from parents, prompting Mattel to stop production. The toy giant finally agreed the tattoo spoils the natural purity of Barbie's non existent mons and forty eight double D Knockers.

Mattel said.

Mattel says it only included the tattoo at the last minute to cover Barbie's teen c section scar. Though Butterfly Art Barbie is selling well, Mattel has also pushed back the release of Iron Butterfly Art Barbie, which comes in the back of a crumpled van at the bottom of the Malibu Dream Canyon. The dolls are part of the

Today is International Women's Day, and here's how the world's top feminist organization is celebrating.

Mattel is also a celebrating International Women's Day with seven new role model. The new Barbie lineup was inspired by the likeness of female leaders in STEM fields from around the world. The company hopes the role models, including former YouTube CEO Susan Wojiski and UK Space scientist doctor Maggie Addam and Pocock, will inspire the next generation of girls to pursue their passions despite women being underrepresented in stemfields.

This is so important. Kids learn so much from that toys they play with.

You want them to have scientists dolls and ceo dolls that can sissor each other. From all this story, we turned to Desilidik desi Aza International Women's Day, going well, thank you for asking.

It started out so great this morning. The random guy who usually yells nice ass instead yelled I respect your nice ass and this is why we march. So yeah, I was feeling pretty good. I mean, at least until I saw this Barbie story.

Wait, you don't like these brand new barbies. But they're so accomplished. They got scientists and they got a YouTube ceo.

Oh yeah, equally great role models. You could be a scientist who helps humanity, or you could design a YouTube algorithm that says, hey, kids, if you like Pepa Pig, you'll love QAnon.

Okay, that's fair. But some of them adopters and engineers, and one of them is a professor.

Yeah, I know, they're all so successful, those barbies. Yeah, it's bad enough. Barbie was always hotter. Now she's smarter than me too. But I want a doll that makes me feel bad about my body, not my mind.

So you're saying we should get rid of these barbies.

Well no, I'm not necessarily, but why can't we also have some mediocre Barbies who don't make us feel pressured?

Right? Not mediocrity.

Not every Barbie has to be a girl boss. Let's have a Barbie who's a paralegal at a mid sized law firm, or one who works the lunch shift at a just salad. There is nothing wrong with Barbie's who are just trying to make it through the day.

But Barbie's supposed to be aspirational.

No, no, Marlin, they're not. Give me a barbie who's okay with letting five thousand emails pile up in her inbox. Okay, the barbie who spilled coffee on her shirt, But no, she can still get another day out of it if she puts a blazer on top. The barbie who spends her Friday nights in bed binge watching vander pump Rules, dunkin carrot sticks into a jar of peanut butter, and letting kids drive themselves to taekwondo. For the love of God, stop judging me, Marlon.

I wasn't. But those do feel very specific.

You're specific. My point is they don't all have to be rock stars. You think every ken is a Nobel Prize winning aeronautical engineer. No, he's just a man with a car and a pubic mound, and we all accept him. That's what I want. The dream of every woman to be as successful as an average white man.

Doesn't sound like women achieving of their dreams.

I'm sorry, Are you man explaining my dreams to me on International Women's Day?

No kind of feel I feel like you want to.

I swear I was not. I think please I bother it.

Arabs get their own Barbie doll dream house faces Mecca. If you happen to be in a K martin Cairo next year, be sure to look for Laila. An Arab version of the Barbie doll will be dressed in modest head to toe Islamic attire. A spokesman said that Laila will admire American Barbie for her strength and worldwide dominance, while Barbie will only hang out with Laila for the oil. Manufacturers insist the dolls are safe but children, but clearly state in the warranty that all defects will be blamed

His dead wife.

A Taiwanese man, Shang she Shum, married a real plastic and in no way living Barbie Doll.

Last Sunday.

Religious scholars say, according to the tenets of Buddhism, in this life, Chang has been reincarnated as an idiot.

The happy couple enjoyed a.

Lengthy ceremony surrounded by relatives and embarrassed loved ones, many of whom were also present when the groom met his current bride at the factory where he made her. After the wedding, the happy couple drove off to their reception where they will dance as the wedding band plays the standard. I knew the bride when she used to be.

A lump of unmolded petroleum.

The forty six year old groom had been hoping to remarry ever since his first wife's death over twenty years ago, but Chang never met the right woman until Mattel released the embodiment of My first Wife, Barbie.

The day shot.

With the global economy looking shaky, you may be wondering where you can safely invest your money. Well, Michael Costa has you covered with an opportunity you count miss.

When you think of successful markets that have thrived during the pandemic while so many others have perished, you think of Zoom, Amazon, sweatpants, and haunted dolls. That's right, Haunted dolls are big right now. Now I'm not usually in a cult guy, but to survive in this economy, I'm willing to make a deal with the undead. But first I had to find out more about the business. And who better to teach me than Cat Flowers, the number one seller of haunted dolls on eBay.

Be scared of demon to be scared of negative energy. But other than that, if you're interested, you should jump in with both.

Beet are literally in the business of ghosting people.

When did you notice that the haunted doll business was skyrocketing and that you are basically the Jeff Bezos of haunted dolls.

I started in twenty fourteen and there was only a few shops. Now there's probably fifty sixty shops for haunted dolls.

How many dolls would you say you've sold in the last year?

Probably a thousand.

There's money in this, there is.

I've seen a hanted doll go for four thousand dollars.

Woooooooo Okay, now cost is into it.

But my big question, aside from how can I hide four thousand dollars of doll sales from the irs is what made a haunted doll a haunted doll. According to haunted doll sellers, any doll that was inhabited by the soul of a dead person was prime for selling. But what made one haunting more expensive than another?

When you say haunted, for me, that sounds scary. And you're also saying that there's a positive haunting.

Absolutely, and I try to keep most of my stuff on the positive side.

Oh you mean like the baby with its legs reptog.

Actually that one's not that positive.

Right, What if it's like a really evil spirit.

I actually do charge a little bit more. I don't want the little young kids to be able to afford it.

You can sell a human soul on eBay. There was a band who was selling too many human souls.

You have to have a disclaimer if a ghost causes you to murder your wife.

Isn't capitalism fascinating?

It can be. That's about twenty five percent of the business. And people will send them to me. And right now I have a two and a half year waiting list for evaluations. Yeah, what write down everything you know about the doll so when I open the box, I know what I'm dealing with and I'll talk to you in two and a half years. The rest of the business is people contacting me looking for a haunted doll. Are you looking for a little kid? Are you looking for

Wow, clearly Catherine was selling these haunted little hotcakes. But who are the everyday folks buying these haunted dolls?

Hi?

Oh, I know it's you, I know you. Hey, yep. The Stormy Daniels Stormy's doll, Susan, was purchased in twenty eleven and is said to be cursed with a uniquely malevolent spirit.

We believe Susan belonged to a little girl who died in nineteen fifty five, and it definitely had something to do with a stomach issue.

Before we even started shooting, the producer on set here wanted to touch her, and you said, don't do that, you'll.

Shit your pants.

Yes. Three people that I slept with in a row she attacked. They had stomach problems and back issues pretty much immediately. She's more mischievous than Militia's. I've never felt like I was in danger.

What has Susan added to your life?

She adds protection when you go into these places that could be dangerous.

Okay, but is Susan really worth that much?

I have been offered seventy five hundred dollars for her once and ten thousand dollars for her once, but she is not for sale. She has her own TV show. She's on VH one's The Real Life. Anyone who follows her Instagram will note this little plastic bitch has been on yachts and Ferrari's.

Is that her handle?

This little plastic bitch it should be? Would you say she's living her best afterlife?

She is definitely living her best afterlife.

So I went back to KAT to learn about the highly scientific analysis process used to identify a haunted doll. So bells okay. After studying the extensive tools needed and the strict procedure.

What if the.

UPS guy rings the doorbell screws it up? I knew if I was serious about getting into the business of haunted dolls, The next step had to be trying out the haunted product to see what all the fuss is about.

Her name's Jennifer. She is about seven or eight years old, and we think she was murdered.

Is it safe to say that she was killed by a white man?

Yes? Probably, at least it with the white men lately.

What would Jennifer cost for someone?

Sixty seventy bucks.

Sixty seventy bucks.

Okay, all right, Jennifer. Uh, sorry, you got murdered.

So I left with my free trial named Jennifer, and I took a video diary to record my feedback. Hey, so day one with Jennifer. I don't know if I really get it yet. The only thing I can report. Have had some violent dreams. There was a river of blood and there.

Was stabbing, but still better than what I was jewing about before, which was the state of this country.

So I think I'm starting to get it a little bit.

Did you make this for me?

I don't know if she's following me.

Or if I just bring her everywhere.

I can't do this with you watching.

Thank you.

The soul of this doll has excellent comedic timing. It's just great having someone around who laughs, sad jokes. She is a haunted doll. And I know what I'm saying, and it sounds crazy, but it's just it's wonderful.

Nice to meet you.

Nice of me.

I'm gonna kill you, just kidding.

The trial.

The trial's over and I can't get into this business. Sending Jennifer back to Catherine is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Jennifer, you gotta go get in the box.

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