TDS Time Machine | Father's Day

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Democrats have a moral perch from which they can judge without shame, hypocrisy, or nuance.

Breaking news, President Biden has issued a pardon for his son Hunter Biden.

Mother, we were so close, but you know it, get fine, It's good, it's.

Right, it's just right.

An eighty two year old man doesn't want to spend the rest of his life visiting his son in prison.

The publicans can't wait with the shit all the time.

I'm sure the pardon is a narrowly written, precisely drawn farewell note of compassion for a loved one.

The pardon sweeping covering offenses that Hunter Biden quote has committed or may have committed or taken over the past eleven years.

Eleven years is a very specific and not rounded amount of time. So, Haunter, I'll give you a pardon a few years, five years, ten years.

It needs to be eleven.

And if you would be so kind, make sure this upcoming New Year's Eve is also covered.

Shit's going to get Christy.

I didn't know pardons could cover for crimes you may have committed.

Um.

I'm surprised Biden didn't include the phrase on Earth one or any.

Of the Earth's in the multi verse.

Now, some would say that's what any loving father would do for their troubled son or daughter, should they have the power. But on Fox News it was this love, in fact, that may have caused the problem in the first place.

My dad always told me, Ainsley, if you get arrested, don't call me. I'm not your first phone call.

I'm leaving you in there. Good night, sweetie. Your dad always told you that. Were you a degenerate or was your dad de niro.

Nost Listen to me, No, you get pinched, I'm not your first phone call.

I don't know you.

It's ten grand and a gun on the floorboards. Good luck, kid, and by the way, not just Ainslie. The rest of the Fox cinematic universe was no happier.

Probably the worst president in US history, but also the most corrupt.

This entire administration has been nothing but as jam.

He and his family are so full of slime that Nickelodeon is going to sue for trademark infringement.

You Joe Biden, You Joe Biden, Megan Kelly, who do you think you are?

Me?

What am I supposed to say?

Now? It was my line. You've sold my true.

Line at long last. Have you no decens.

Me? Of course, no one was more outraged than America's judicial compass, Donald Seneca Trump.

President elect Trump laying in as well, he says, does the pardon given by Joe to Hunter include the January sixth hostages who have now been in prison for years? Such an abuse and miscarriage of justice?

Oh? You and your son?

What about the people who tried to help me overthrow the government? It's kind of a leap there. It's like going, you know, oh, you're gonna let the kids stay up to watch SNL, but you're not even gonna try to help me burn the neighbor's house down. So obviously Republicans are going to criticize. But Biden did make this line of attack particularly available, seeing as how he spent so long saying you wouldn't do it, because of how much

I will do that, and I'm not.

Part of them.

Will you accept the jury's outcome, their verdict, no matter what it is.

Yes?

And have you ruled out a pardon for your son?

Yes?

I watch this dive. But here's the thing.

I don't know if you've ever found in some of this situation, If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are being questioned about pardoning your son, do not do it at the.

Swim up bar of a club med.

And also not for nothing with an old guy.

I mean, Biden squints indoors, so you don't face the guy in the sun and try and get an honest He immediately looks untrustworthy.

You're gonna give him a pardon. But you know what, ladies and.

Gentlemen, hypocrisy isn't illegal, nor is it particularly unusual in politics. It's not like he's ever gonna run again, So why not take care of your kid even if you said you weren't gonna I respect it.

I don't have a problem with it.

The problem is the rest of the Democrats made Biden's pledge to not pardon Hunter the foundation of this defense of America, this grand experiment.

One political party remains committed to the rule of law and the other doesn't.

It's that simple, Hunter, Biden's not above the law.

No one is above the law.

Democrats stand for the rule of law.

We accept the outcome, because that's how the rule of law works.

Because the justice system that convicted is only surviving son is the same justice system he's vowed to protect. And if that doesn't tell you who Joe Biden is, I don't really know what does.

I think I know what does?

And now look at the dance Democrats have to do.

Be honest, the only reason why they went after a hunter the way they did, and I've talked to many federal prosecutors about this, is because he's the president's son.

People have to remember, the president had lost two children already and he does not need to lose another one to more political which hunts.

The you know, crawling from Republicans.

But we're talking about you know, Donald Trump is a convicted.

Felon who literally.

Pardoned his daughter's father in law and just made an ambassador to France.

So for anyone that wants to clutch their pearls now because he decided that he was going to pardon his son, I would say, take a look in the mirror, ma'am.

We will take a look in that mirror. But we are taking off, so you could just put this shit on airplane mode.

And let us get home.

For the holidays.

Yes, yes, yes, yes to everything that you guys were saying. If you hadn't made Hunter Biden not receiving a pardon the Mason Dixon line of morality between Democrats.

And Republicans, there's a big gap between.

The law is the only thing that separates us from the animals, and.

Monkey frough shitted me first.

I had no choice is what Biden's decision is done. Look how confident and eloquent our Democratic representatives were back when they thought they had the moral high ground on this issue.

I've not heard a single Democrat anywhere in the country cry fraud, cry fixed, cry rigged, cry kangaroo court. You don't hear a single peep out of any Democrat saying that. Why we believe in the rule of law.

And now look at what even he one of the most verbally dexterous attorneys we have on Capitol Hill, has been reduced to do.

You think President Biden should pardon Hunter Biden?

So there are lots of claims of political prosecution and.

It was Hunter politically well, I.

Mean, obviously that's a judicial point, and then you've got to look at what the evidence is.

And I don't know enough. Should I mean.

Again, that is a unilateral executive power that.

And should he use it?

Well, you know the.

Power exists for the president to show mercy for people.

I mean, we have an executive and we have a judicial and then a legislative and.

Then smoke bomb, thank you, thank you.

Wow, the first time I've crouched since Thanksgiving? And oh that did not go well.

But then why this weekend?

Normally you drop a controversial pardon like the way you buy porn at a gas station, in a flurry of other distracting purchases.

And pardons. Will you give me the breath?

Minstead to w D forty to squeegee there one of those anal magazines, some corn nuts, pardon for my son, the big Dicks Like Chicks pamphlet.

So why did you do it? Now?

As the NBC News first reported, the President did decide to reverse course O for the holiday weekend at his family's annual Thanksgiving getaway in Nantucket.

Thanksgiving, I knew it.

Perhaps I can explain the way this pardon went down in my new One Man show, Can you get Hunter to stop looking at me like that?

I take you there now, I'll be playing the role of Hunter. How are you father? Are you well? Father?

I'm a big down.

You know, last Thanksgiving with the family for a while. If only someone could change that. This turkey is deligious obviously not one of the ones that was pardoned. I made you watch that because people think I.

Can't act.

Overseas.

A dutch Man is facing legal action for allegedly bothering at least five hundred and fifty children.

The forty one year old is a sperm donor. He's accused, though, of lying.

About the number of kids he's fathered through sperm banks, violating agreements limits are placed on donors to protect children's health. It's unclear what legal ramifications he could face.

Holy shit, come on, he donated enough sperm for five hundred and fifty kids. Goddamn dude, say something for the shower, bro. What But in Thisgui's defense, when you're this cool, you have an obligation to procreate. I mean, who want to get knocked up by this sperm? But still, though, this is going to make for some awkward conversations. Mommy, what's my biological father like?

Honey?

All I know about him is he loved to jack off.

Good night, honey.

The accusations against our groper in chief as a governor of New York. This guy was made a hero when he seems like he's maybe the biggest predator in American politics today.

In recent weeks, Donald Trump Junior, the oldest, least ERICI, son of Donald Trump, has been complaining that a politician has not been punished for his alleged sex crimes. It raises an uncomfortable question, does Don Junior know who his father is? Seriously, that's this week on Unsolved Mysteries MAGA edition. You might have that Donald Trump Junior definitely knows who his dad is. The man says the words my father more than the.

Pope, my father, my father, my father, my father.

And yet in recent years, a mysterious thing happened. Don Junior started talking like a man who had no damn idea that Donald Trump was his dad. Listen to this.

I wish my name was Hunter Biden. I could go abroad make millions off of my father's presidency. I'd be a really rich guy. It would be incredible.

He knows who his dad is, right, because this is like the Kool eight Man complaining about other people crashing through walls and leaving Kool eight man size holes.

Whether it's Hunter, whether it's Joe Biden's brother, whether it's his sister. They've all spent their entire lives profiting of Joe Biden's taxpayer funded offices. Here Son, here's every job you've ever had.

Does Don Junior think that he got that job at the Trump Organization because he wrote a good cover letter? Does Donald Trump Junior not know what the word junior? Just like he thought Saturday Night Live was abbreviated.

S and L.

What explains this mystifying lack of self awareness. Is it possible that the unthinkable is true that Don Junior doesn't know that Donald Trump is his father? Investigators have come through days of footage of Don Junior and Donald together, but have not found a single hug or even an affectionate look between the two. Because, really, if Don Junior does know that Donald Trump is his father, what could explain this.

Joe Biden, as a presidential contender is likely the most corrupted and potentially corrupted person to ever run for office of the presidency. Joe Biden doesn't know where he is fifty percent of the time. But a guy can't conform a complete sentence It's.

Almost like the whole Biden family is entirely dependent on Joe holding public office, and not only was it us.

If you have any information as to why Donald Trump Junior doesn't seem to realize that his father is Donald Trump, please contact Unsolved Mysteries before he starts complaining that Joe Biden is a racist. Text Chiet who couldn't even run a casino? The moon was coming set off this doctor s morning. It's my old foots.

This is a crazy story from California where a dad he drove his whole family off of cliff into Tesla. So fortunately they all survived it. When the paramedics arrived, the wife said that he did it on purpose. Now I've been there for thirty eight years, I can tell you I love my wife and children very much and I would never drive them off of cliff.

But I thought about it.

I thought about it.

Anybody who's been.

In the car with screaming ass kids and a cliff available, either you thought about it or you're lying.

Look at him.

I thought about it, but I was patient. Kid will drive you.

You asked me about that bathroom one more damn time were going off the cliff.

That's where.

Even the jug would be like, well, the defendant, I mean hero, I mean defendant.

All right.

What I don't understand is how a tesla is the vibe going off a cliff, but it can't make you down the street without blowing the fuck up.

I don't understand that.

And I Georgia's Republican nominee for US Senate, Herschel Walker is admitting that he has a ten year old son who he didn't raise. Court documents show that the boy's mother had to sue him for paternity and child support.

Just a day after news broke that Walker had a secret ten year old son, the Daily Beast discovered that Walker actually has two more additional children he has never publicly acknowledged.

Yeah, that's right, not one, but three secrets children. How do you even keep that many kids secret? I mean, at some point you got to confuse their names. It's like, I love you, Susan, I mean Claire, I mean Frank, I mean Susan.

You are Susan, and I love you.

And look, here's the thing.

I understand this.

It doesn't matter to me how many kids you have or with how many people. I think in America, there's too much moralizing around some of these issues.

But it does matter.

If you spend all your time vilifying other men for doing the same thing that you do, you've vilified them. You're calling them out, Oh, it's because they're black men, and you know it, it's not.

It's bullshit, you know.

And this always happens to It always happens when a politician comes down weirdly hard on a specific group of people. That's when you should be suspicious they come down on one thing. So there's a politician that's like, we have to stop these perverts that love to lick the back of people's knees at the public poll. You're like, I

There is a new twist in the pivotal Senate race in Georgia. The website The Daily Beast is reporting Republican candidate herschel Walker paid for a woman he was dating to get an abortion in two thousand and nine.

Georgia Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker says he is pro life and supports a nationwide abortion band with no exceptions, but new reporting from The Daily Beast claims he encouraged a woman he was dating in two thousand and nine to get an abortion and to help pay for it. The woman, whose identity was not published, provided the Daily Beast with a receipt for the procedure, a get well card, and an image of a seven hundred dollars check allegedly signed by Walker.

Wow an anti abortion Republican court paying for his girlfriend's abortion. That is a bombshell, especially because he left behind so much proof. I mean, this woman says that she has a receipt, a check, and a get well card that

You know a lot of times in this produm, we're always talking about the problems in our society, but our society has much to celebrate.

Everybody's talking about dead fox.

Guy who look like they go to the gym, but they also maybe enjoying a little pizza, little beer.

Elizabeth and I find it really attractive.

Leonardo DiCaprio, Jason Siegel, and Seth Rogan have all been called dad box.

Undefined abs and maybe even a little bit of flabb are actually.

In women admitting that normal looking guys are the sexy ones.

Yeah, It's like Christmas came early this year for dudes, because everywhere, look, there's jolly Faton for more in the new look That's Driving Women Crazy.

We're joined by senior women's issues correspondent Kristin Shawl.

Kristin, Hello, well, thanks John, and what a great day for men. It's time society Finally, he's tupted that a man's body changes when.

He has kids. He's spent nine.

Months eating too much because his pregnant wife is stressing him out, and then there's a screamy baby at home. He's got to get out for pizza and beer as much as he can. It's just biology, John, You.

Know, but at those guys we just heard about, they're not even dad.

You don't have to be a dad dad, a dad bob. You just have to be really lazy. And women are lining up at the dad Bobe buffet, which is great news because now you don't have to worry about magazines like this shoving an impossible body image down your throat, like this chiseled triangle thing, you know I'm talking about, like the borderline between where the chest ends, you know, and then the fun begins.

You know what.

Let's just forget about these names because it is gone.

That's turn job here.

You try wrick this guy up Okay, there we go.

Absolutely, here we go.

Yes, okay, yeah, yeah, get rid of it. Good jock, John, put.

All your.

Well, you know who really loves this dad botchin Guys like you who get most of their exercise by turning from camera one to camera three.

As a forty something year old dad, I find this notion profoundly reassuring.

It show what's your dad bod? I wish I could.

I'm going to get a beer pizza after the show.

I think women think.

You're certain nuts if you've got this six if you go in like a dad bod sandwich.

Right here, they're all having a really good belly laugh. Well, the guys are if that woman added belly at all, they would not let her on that show.

Well, I don't know, of course. I mean maybe there's a good thing.

Maybe dad bod.

Dad bod is just the beginning, and it opens the door to celebrating the mom bob.

Oh, sweet sweet John. We're already obsessed with mom bods, or at least how fast moms can get rid of them.

There's a new breed of mom on the playground, dubbed moms. They're a hybrid of mommy's and bombshells.

That's eleven months after giving birth.

Looks amazing.

She had a baby seven months ago.

She has a five month old three months.

After having a baby, looking impossibly spelt perfect.

Amazing, incredible, just weeks after giving birthday That figure too, she's jisted a baby.

They're not real people, they're celebrities. Beyonce Scylett Johansson, j Lo Michelle Dugar.

Michelle Tuger from the reality show with the Nineteen Kids.

Yeah, that's how hot she is. Her husband is never not seeing her. Why do you think she has to hide her body under that sister wife dress to stop tempting the rest of us.

Why is there so much pressure though on women to be skinny? You know, it hasn't always been that way. Look at the Rubenesque women in those older paintings by.

Right Picasso talk about impossible body standards. I spent years trying to get my nose on the side of my face.

And lit it.

John. Women will never be able to relax about their bodies the way the men can.

Well, it's it's it's too bad, because it feels great to be able to, you know, to not think about it.

The old feel good in the old dad.

Bottom line, well you earned it, daddy. O all that not working out, focusing on other things besides your body. You want to just stand up and give the audience a little treat, show them what a mostly adequate physic looks like.

I wanted to be a book to.

Take care of for fifty years.

I don't have to ask a friends go with that shake, because they obviously did show off how your looks are not what society values most in you.

Good.

Wait, hold on, I'm trying to feel it is. Oh yeah, I'm strying to feel it Oh yeah, I'm starting to feel it now. Uh huh oh yeah.

Here comes to tark.

I'm a tart.

I'm gonna I'm gonna.

Kristin shall everybody, We'll be right by.

Have you ever watched your team losing and wish that you could jump in to help, Well, that's exactly what this North Carolina dad did.

A North Carolina man was arrested after getting too involved in his son's high school wrestling match. At one point, the wrestler in the gray uniform picks up the wrestler in the black uniform slams under the ground. The referee rule of the move was illegal and blew the whistle. But moments later a man runs out knocks them wrestler to the ground.

It was the other boy's dad.

The man was arrested, charged with assault and disorderly conduct.

God damn, what was that father thinking. You can't just running from the sidelines and beat up a teenager. Your son has to tag you in first, come on rules of wrestling. And if you think that's bad, you should have seen him at his daughter's ballet recital.

That shit is insane.

And look, I get the dad's.

Anger, but you realize this thing could have gotten out of hand, right, because no one thinks about this. But what if the other wrestler's dad saw it happen and then he jumped in, right, And then what if the first dad's dad jumped in to help him, Then the other.

Guy's grandfather jumped in.

Then a coffin just lands on all of them. Gotta think of these things. But this is why I never bring my mom to the Emmys. Parents are really competitive. Yeah, if I broke my mom to the Emmys and then she sees me lose to John Oliver, she'll rush the podium and tackle him to the ground. There, poor John will be on the ground screaming like, holy shit, I've just been tackled by a woman from South Africa. And by the way, that's now South Africa, that's South Africa.

I know your son is getting too tooth losing a Is he getting that sweet six bucks from the tooth fair?

Hell?

No, I did the responsible thing with my boy and I told him that the two fairy is dead.

The tenth fairy is that she's that she dad, She.

Gon she she tripped over my son's toys. If he laying laying over the house, she stepped on the toy, broke her neck and choked on the choked her death on her own tongue.

Why would you say that to your own kid.

Well, he's gotta put his damn toys up now, I bet you will.

Now.

Look is it like like I'm tired of him not cleaning up and I'm tired of buying into this system. Man, listen to us. We're paying our kids just for losing teeth. And what are they learning from that? What are they learning? All your kids learning is that they can sell their body parts for money. No wonder, no wonder. I spent my whole twenty selling plasma, selling blood, selling sperms, selling

But losing a tooth is a big moment. He should get something.

He is getting something. He's getting the new tooths. Don't surprise you get to keep chewing.

And let's just be real.

I said, where does it end lose a tooth? Six dollars? Oh you got your first ZiT. Here's ten dollars. Oh, your body keep changing. I'm gonna have to keep tipping this little brother for growing hair on his back. No, he gets one present a year his birthday, that's it.

Okay, what about my presidents?

Right?

Wait, what Christmas?

Let's send her dad too. I told my son that Santa Claus died from too much screen time on.

The Ipadways, listen, man, for your son's sake, man, just here, just give this a Henry tails from Uncle Hassin.

Okay, Wow, he.

Lost two teeth.

A thirteen year old Honduran little Edwin Daniels Sebion traveled thirty two hundred miles by bus, foot and bike to New York City to find the father he has never known. Brave Edwins set out on his own, arriving in Manhattan carrying only twenty four dollars, a tattered paper bag with a change of clothes, and three wet cookies. I'm sorry, I have something in my eye.

During the journey, the boy passed through Houston, Corpus Christi, New Orleans, and lots of small towns where he would stay long enough to sleep, eat, meet the locals, then high tail it after turning into the hulk. New York City police are now taking care of Edwin, feeding a McDonald's, an ice cream cake from Carvel, and on that diet, he will be qualified to join the force in about five years.

Just kidding.

Falls Sadly, Edwin's father hasn't turned up for fear of deportation, so his official guardian is New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, who has promised to give the young man work as a senate race ethnic pawn.

And that was other news.

I came to the convention with a dream to interview Tim Walls, also known as America's Dad.

This is America's dad.

Quote, Big Dad energy, Big Dad Energy.

Unfortunately, America's Dad seemed to be a very difficult interview to get Governor Waltz.

Governor Waltz.

Governor Waltz.

Governor Waltz is doing his best job ignoring me right now.

If I was going to catch Tim Walls, I needed to lure him in with a track that a dad could not resist. Can anyone help me with this pie for my date?

Shoot?

Shoot?

Shoot?

Did anyone know how to use a studfinder? Does anyone know how to fill out a baseball score sheet by hand? Does anyone want this copy of Rudy on Blu Ray? Come on, I know you want it? And now we wait? Are you most excited to hear talk today?

I'm really seeing Roccoba. You're cute. Do you happen to have a convertible?

You could recklessly drive me around?

And both no one's within earshot?

Who might want to put their foot down and stop to still advise?

Romance?

Got hop ups leading up to a ben gate and a beer, perfect trap for Tim Walls.

I'm gonna sum up a cigarette unless someone stops me.

Hope no one catches me, makes me pook the whole pact, learn lesson WHOA I'm going absolutely crazy now?

Oh, Jude, Oh my god, I.

Just got a ticket to a Roy Orbison cover band.

Does anyone want it?

Anyone know if there is an LL be nearby.

I don't know if we'll get to the voting booth this year.

I don't know how to drive stick.

Is there anyone here?

Any teacher?

Teach?

Downtrodden and deflated? I had one last idea.

Anyone around here know if this fire extinguisher is up to come?

I see the twenty twenty four or on here? I see February punched out?

Are you Tim Walls all right there?

Man?

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