Our next hell story should be of particular interest to our teen viewers who suffer from crippling glaucoma. For centuries, marijuana has been used as a self prescribed remedy for the terminal disease known as being alive. But last week, the Supreme Court heard arguments as to whether state initiatives permitting the drug to be used medicinally violate federal law.
It's a case that figures to settle once and for all the legality of medical marijuana and thereby affect the lives of no fewer than point zero zero zero one percent of American marijuana smokers. The federal government maintains, however, that marijuana, or as it's known on the street, funny pot cigarettes, is illegal, period, and has severely criticized prescribing the drug to those free wheeling, long haired hippie aids and cancer patients just trying to score a free high
off Uncle Sam. Those people are sick, now, seriously, they're sick and they need help. Robert McGinnis of the Family Research Council has come out strongly against medical marijuana.
I don't deny that you know sick people who have been using it for a long time feel better after using this because they get high, and when you get high, you feel better.
Robert McGinnis speaking out strongly and poorly against miracle marijuana medical marijuana, which is a miracle. Now, the upcoming Supreme Court debate could even be a hotter button issue than Americans not sleeping enough. That's why it's the subject of tonight's even Stephen, you've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own acts?
Tonight's topic, should medical marijuana be legalized?
Yes?
No, Yeah.
The medical marijuana initiatives in California and New Mexico were approved by the voters solely to help seriously ill patients, for whom marijuana offers the only relief from pain. Who could deny an eighty year old woman a moment of respite from her tortured existence. But I suppose there are a few sick individuals out there who get off. Are other people suffering?
Steven far out, Steve Groovy point man, you're blowing my mind.
Face it.
You and your doctor dopes are just hiding behind Grandma's oxygen tent. The real reason you're pushing pro pot legislation is so you can suck on a tie stick and watch the walls begin to pulse and breathe. And now that you've duped a few misguided state legislators, I'm sure we can all look for or are you coming down with the convenient case of glaucoma real soon?
This marijuana is medicine, Steven. I'm pro people, not pro poto.
Come on, Steve, you love ganja and the exhilarating rush of freedom and the heightened textual sensations it gives you. Whereas I wouldn't know where to start looking for a dime bag, I'm sure you've got great connections, So let me in on the dirty little secret, Steve.
Where do you get your pot?
Stephen?
Just because I support medical marijuana, it's ludicrous to imply that I'm a dope fiend. That's like saying because I support the repeal of the marriage tax penalty that I'm into wife swapping. Don't change the subject, Steve.
You know exactly where I can get my hands on some really deep chronic don't you.
Let's get back to my wife swapping metaphor. Fine, let's what you're suggesting about my access to sweet Malaysian skunk weed is just as ridiculous as if I said, Hey, Stephen Colbert, why don't you and your wife come over some night this week and we can exchange partners. Would that idea appeal to you?
I don't know, Steve.
Would we be high?
I don't know.
Would you bring the dope?
Steve? You're not listening to my argument. My argument is that if for instance, I tried to buy pot, I couldn't get any, but I think you could get me some.
You're not listening, Steven. You're in a fantasy world where I smoke pot and could get my hands on some very kind bud. But we would be wife swapping this Friday. Have I made myself clear?
Claire is Crystal Steve, But let me see if I can just recap You're really twisted argument. You're saying that if we were to enter into some bizarre love quadrangle, you'd be supplying the weed.
Yes, okay, that sounds perfect great John. The last time on slimming down with Steve, I chose a personal trainer, but as you know, exercise alone just won't cut it. Today, we're going to focus on nutrition. Join me as I visit a top new York City nutritionist. My name is Steve.
Dumpty, living dumpsy, campsy, Live the dampsy county, lim the dampsy living.
Down with me before a nutrition is like Miriam Papo can offer advice, she has to learn about the eating habits of her patient.
Just tell me if you've eaten these in the last week.
Okay.
Cheese yes, fried chicken yes, other fried foods yes, hot dogs yes, salami yes, snack chips yes, bacon yes, sausage.
Yes, sweet roll what's sweet roll?
Like a Danish?
Yes?
What type of.
Milk do you drink?
Buttermilk?
What type of oil do you use?
Wd? Forty usually peanut oil.
When you have chicken, is it with the skin or without the skin?
Just the skin? What am I doing wrong? It didn't take long for Miriam to observe that I needed more vegetables in my diet, so she offered to make me a healthy meal.
Look how beautifully green these are.
Green things. The supermarket was gonna be a lot of fun. This is beef tongue. If you were to eat this, wouldn't your food essentially be tasting you? We did have fun, but now it was off to the kitchen. To make pasta prima vera, which in Italian means no meat. For Steve, that lonks good. Yeah, what makes pasta prima vera such a healthy dish.
Because it's usually using all fresh vegetables?
Bam, right like that, chef. Finally it was time to indulge.
Let's st again.
Let's say grace first.
Oh, good games all around, hors and.
From heaven above.
Than cold Bard, thank cold Board.
For all these Lord.
I really want to thank you Lord.
I wanna thank you Lord, or thank you Lord o bod.
Mm hmm all right, Steve Carral, ladies, gentlemen, bye. First of all, thank you for allowing us to go on this emotional journey with you. Now, how is the new diet going for you?
Well, it's been tough, John, because I've had to find ways to incorporate vegetables into my nutritional regime.
I think you mean regimen, not regime, John.
You do what you need to lose weight. I'll do what I need to do. Okay, Now take a look at this. You'll notice it says all vegetable. Right, A couple of scoops of this, I get all the vegetables I need.
I actually think it's shortening, vegetable shortening, so it doesn't.
It serves up just like ice cream. M It's every reporter's scream to spend a day on the campaign trail with a front running candidate, and that's exactly the opportunity we were afforded this day in New Hampshire on John McCain's Straight Talk Express. However, Dan Rather and the sixty minutes crew were already on board, so we had to go on the overflow bus. Great, this is great. The overflow bus repository for outcasts, misfits and journalistic bottom feeders.
But they've got an omelet bar or something up there. You think, rather it's up there talking policy with them. That's no, they're up there playing pinball, singing karaoke. Rather, it doesn't have to be on the overflow busy. I can see minute can be lucky if we even see him today. Don't throw it back. You just ain't half of it. Threw it back, you know. We were asked to come like, oh yeah, well you're that bus. Shut pick it up your ass. The situation was intolerable. Something
had to be done. Exactly what am I looking at here?
Bus assignments for the fifty some members of the media.
Well, let's cut to the chase.
Where are we forty nine and fifty?
What are the circles?
Mean circles?
I mean you're on the bus so as you can see, no circle, no bus.
Why are you jerking me around like this? All I want to do is sit on the nice bus.
I'm screw it. I thanks so.
Covering the story at arm's length was getting me nowhere. And then it hit me the best way to get to a presidential candidate's bus is through his wife. This is your driver, who's drivers from the beginning. Now this is a well appointed he's wonderful. I'd like you to take a look at the driver. We have great Thanks very much, Ron, you see what I mean. Okay, now step aboard. Here we go into our secondary bus. Take a whiff, yeah, take a whiff of that. One whiff
of the overflow bus. And missus McCain was on my side.
Really, come on, let's go.
Really, Not only was I finally on the bus, but I was going to get the chance to talk to Senator John McCain.
You are welcome on our bus at any time.
Let's do a lightning round. Okay, your favorite book for whom the Valtolls favorite movie Vivas a Potter, Charlton Heston, Marlon Branda.
Close enough.
If I were a tree, I would be a.
If I were a tree, I would be a route.
What does that mean, Senator, how do you reconcile fact that you were one of the most vocal critics of pork barrel politics and yet while you were chairman of the Commerce Committee, that committee set a record for unauthorized appropriations.
I just no, I don't I don't even.
Know what that means.
Oh they all laughed at my little question. But two things were abundantly clear. Okay, all right, okay, for god, it was the wrong question to ask, and I was going to be walking.
Steve Carrell got corral.
Huh Steve?
That was that was That was an interesting peace. Thank you, mister sort It seemed like you had one shot to really ask a good, solid political question and and you froze up.
You backed off.
Yeah. Well, I was trying to explore the sites, the sounds, the smells of a political campaign.
You were up there to get an interview with McCain, and well.
Now, missus McCain was a great.
Missus McCain is not the story.
Uh did you see her? Yeah? Yeah, she is intelligent, beautiful, Yes, I wonderful.
I understand. But it seems like you froze up with McCain. Yeah, you had him right there, and and.
Well, I I was just.
I was trying to Should we take you off the political beat?
Is it?
Is it too much for you to.
Steve Carrell?
Ladies and gentlemen coming up four minutes now, You're.
Not You're not talking, You're not tossing a commercial. Look at me, Look Steven, Look look sp.
What do we say?
Bad?
Report and do better?
Trying to survive in this fast paced world is hard enough. But on the eve of the Y two K computer meltdown, people everywhere are near a mass hysteria. But one man, Los Angeles see has the answer.
They say that the computers will all lock up, that the world as we know it will grind to a halt.
Jim Presnel has dedicated his life to solving the problems presented by Y two K.
They say that the money will no longer have its value because you can't frankly get to your money.
Then what does have values?
Very arbitrary. It could be seashells could be solved.
Oh, don't even get me started on the seashell and salt people.
Well, I just don't think they work. It's my theory that pezz is the perfect solution for that.
That's right, heads in an uncerta in post y two K world. Jim's convinced the dollars will be replaced by Pez dispensers as the national currency.
I can go into a gas station and say, here, here's a Pez dispenser. He lets me get five gallons of gas. This is the stuff that's really worth gold when the going gets tough.
Jim's theory begs one obvious question. Do you think that you're an idiot?
You're no.
We road tested Jim's prediction at this la pawn shock. Could you give me a rough estimate what this would go for on the open market.
I would say about ten cents ten cents.
The year two thousand, y two K, the world's economy is in economic turmoil. Food and water are being rationed. Now, how much would this be worth?
Ten cents?
Undaunted by the naysayers, Jim's been feverishly hoarding Pez three thousand Pez dispensers. You must be very proud.
Well, I'm very proud of my collection. I love showing it off.
Troy Newman is also preparing for Y two K.
So I've gathered some basic food storage.
Although he has inexplicably decided to store food and water. What would you make of a person who cracked open the head of a small creature and ate food from the gaping hole in its larynx. Ultimately, whether or not you agree with Jim, you must give his accomplishments the respect they deserve. Jim, you own over three thousand pez dispensers. You've organized the pezanthon gathering pez heads from all over the world. Which of the following best describes you? Dufus or dor quad?
I think that's probably a little insensitive.
I prefer eccentric, dewee wod, dorky, eccentric, dowe be nutcase KOOKI dow be dowe be dorkhead.
I think I had enough.
Men from time immemorial. They stood atop the world, building our civilizations, commanding our armies. They were gods walking among us. But now their time may be over.
For the first time, women are expected to outnumber men in the workforce.
A new study finds increasing numbers of women outpacing their husbands when it comes to income and education.
And it's a crisis that troubles many. Like sociologist and author of the Myth of Male Power, doctor Warren Ferrell.
It's a difficult time to be a man in America.
In what sense exactly?
Men today are probably where women were in the late fifties. We're about a half century behind women in terms of being understood, in terms of having options.
How did this happen, babycakes?
We did a great job for women. We now just need to do the same for men.
He's right.
Men run just four one hundred and eighty five of our fortune five hundred companies and only three branches of government, and there are more doors closing on them all the time.
Almost all your pharmaceutical salespeople are young women and attractive women, because the pharmaceutical company knows that an attractive young female will have much greater access to a medical doctor who's, on average, still more likely to be a male.
Oh that sucks for men, except for the male doctor who gets to.
Earn all that money and bang that hot new sales rep.
Poor guy.
It doesn't stop there. Even the nightly news long a bastion of the stately white male is now sixty six point seven percent female, and the last male anchor is kind of effeminate. Fortunately, help is on the way thanks to male support groups like the Better Man Organization founder Wayne Levine.
For us, it's about being available to each other and giving the wisdom and the guidance and the support and the ass kicking whatever it is we need to be the best men we can be. You know, so many of the problems that we face in our cultures because men are not getting what they need.
What are men not getting well?
In our culture? There's no place for men to gather. It's socially unacceptable for men to get together.
Yes, it's a constant struggle to find places where men are allowed to themselves. Having never heard of Las Vegas, these disenfranchised men seek solace in the woods where they played games no one liked in pe class my wife is in charge, and complain about their wives. Mostly what they do is gather in circles, the sitting circle, the cleansing circle, and of course the most important circle of all.
So what we got here is a wisdom circle with just a few men. And this is where a man will bring an issue that needs to be addressed.
When does everybody start master reading? They were coming here with one purpose to reclaim their manhood.
Hey, our dinners right over here, what are you waiting for?
Do you have to dinners by myself? Sadly, the inequalities holding men back begin as early as high school.
Almost every high school has a football team.
Almost every football team has cheerleaders, and it's very rare that the cheerleader says something like, g you know, I noticed you lost your position in the team, so I'd like to continue cheering for you because you were very sensitive and very loving and very caring and very listening.
You don't ever see that happening.
So we need to give our sons permission to be puss wants.
That's yes, some type of term like that.
Something pus related. And of course, the key to uplifting any oppressed group is to give them a voice.
This is a time of day where we bring out the talking stick. It's a time where you can speak from the heart and listen from the heart and share whatever's on your mind.
Finally, it was my opportunity to offer advice to my fallen brothers. Actually, you know, I actually brought my own tool attention, middle aged Vagina men, sack the up. Seriously, you're turning me into a lesbian these days, when you hear about secession, you think of Texas. But Texas isn't alone. Secession is the big word for lawmakers in Long Island.
Should Long Island become its own state?
According to Long Island Legislator Edward Romayne, the time for independence is now.
Yes, the fifty first state Long Island. Long Island is paying more than three billion dollars more than we're getting back in assistance from the state.
Located just ten miles from Manhattan or three and a half hours by car, Long Island's three million people have never felt connected to the rest of the state.
Well, we're kind of an appendage to New York. We jut out east of New York into the Atlantic Ocean.
Much longer can New York State continue to jerk this appended job before it just explodes.
Not much longer. We're going to secede. If we can't, we're going to stand up and say enough is enough.
Unfortunately, some people, like Long Island State Senator Carl Marcellino, insist on standing in the way of statehood.
No Long Island should not seceed from the state of New York.
You're a state Senator from Long Island. I mean, if this secession happens, you could be a real senator, Senator Marcelino from the great state of Long Island.
It's just not practical to do it.
But can they afford not to do it?
The high taxes are forcing some people to vote with their feet. That is that the best in the prize leaving Long Island.
It's all relative though, I mean, you are talking about the best and brightest of Long Island.
The most important resource that we have are our people. They're inventive, they're intelligent.
Gigabyt and these intelligent and inventive people think it's time.
But I most definitely like Sea Long Islands seated as its own state.
It's a totally different group of people.
A Long Island. It's a melting pot.
You got all these awesome Italian guys, beautiful Italian women, nice Italian food.
You're not making it seem like a melting pot unless you're talking about a melting pot filled with bubbling We're and arrow sauce. What do you have to say to New Yorkers who say good riddance you guys.
Still got the village to luck with that one.
Clearly, the first article of their state constitution is in place, but have they really thought things through.
It's complicated. We would need to pay for the roads that are state roads.
The first thing we do is pick a state capital.
We would need to pay for the state parks that are state parks.
Picking a state food it might be the flounder.
Teacher certifications would all have to be doing differently.
Picking a state bird it might be the shigull.
State birds should just be flipping.
The birds, all right, Welcome a long island.
Of course, secession could mean war, and that's something no one would want to see.
The Irish Gina with dangerously low enact body spray and those suckers from Massa Peake with took all my free weights. By the way, that picture you took of me and my rim, it's sick. Give my love to your family except your sister.
She's a four.
On island's packing some series of balls. We can beat up any other state. You got, What state could.
You beat up?
And please don't say Rhode Island or Connecticut because everybody knows those states are pussy states.
You name what do you got Wyoming, Iowa? What do you think?
I don't think that counts.
O States.
I'm sorry, other states, other states, not in.
Europe, other states, Canada, Okay, we have Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
Jersey. Oh yeah, New Jersey's the first.
Isn't that like beating up your conjoined twin? Though so genetically similar.
The people of.
Long Island have been oppressed for too long, and after spending time in their world and learning their customs, I started to share in the revolutionary spirit.
First of all, I think they should call it Strong Island if they make it its own state.
I mean, look at these guys. It's the gun show. Baby, you got your tickets?
Oh double guns?
May feels so vulnerable.
Not really sure.
I'm capable of making good decisions right now. Probably all that birth control I'm taking it's making my mind fuzzy. I was drawn in by their noble cause and meticulous manscaping. The second thought, you know what, No, I'm confused.
The whole thing has to be very confused.
Rick Santorm says women can't be in combat because they'll trigger men's chivalrous nature. Liz Trota says female soldiers can't serve because they'll arouse men's baser instincts.
What's your take, Well.
John, I know you're expecting an apology, and believe me, you'll.
Get it from you, an apology for what's John?
For this?
You guys can rape it or you can protect it, but you can't ignore it. It's who you are.
You know.
You're talking about this and the sexual assaults and things like that, like it's a bad habit that men have, Like, oh, men always leave their socks on the floor. Men can't put the toilet seat down.
You know, get I know.
Don't you hate it when guys do that?
And when they rape ladies?
Am I right?
What's up?
Oh?
My gosh, So female soldiers should just expect to be sexually assaulted?
Is that?
Well?
Female soldiers, gal reporters, lady doctors, teachurettes, avi eight tricks? Is that's just the way it is. When you're a woman intruding in a man's world, we expect to be paid slightly less and raped slightly more.
You know what has you know as a man, I'm offended.
Men are absolutely.
Capable of working in close quarters with women in an appropriate, respectful manner.
John, I'm up.
Here.
I'm looking up there, I'm talking to you.
You're right, You're absolutely right. It's my fault.
You don't bring the fruit if you don't want it to get picked.
You know, here's the.
Problem that not every man is in a constant battle to suppress urges to pick fruit that does not want to be picked by them.
It's not ooooous someone hates women.
I don't hate women.
I don't just.
Like feminists hate men by assuming that they could be something other than prehistoric rape machines, which coincidentally is the name of my all girl punk band. We're gonna be at the Roxy this weekend and fellas as always, ladies drink free if you catch my drift.
Two for one's come on down, protect us, rape us. It's your choice to choses, choices only.