TDS Time Machine | Best of Lewis Black Pt. 2

Hey everyone, Daisy light it here. The Daily Show is on break for the holidays, but in the meantime we put together some special highlights for you.

We'll be back in the new year on January seventh with all new episodes.

We are officially in the dog days of summer, which means I can finally bust out my slipping slide. It used to belong to the kid next door, but it turns out a lot.

Of kids stuff you can just walk up and take.

But this summer it's so hot you can't even make it down the slide without your not sticking to the nyl It's.

Been one of the hottest summers on record across the US, relentless heat waves smashing records in the Northeast. Monday was the hottest day ever recorded on Earth. The previous record, which was set on Sunday, only lasted twenty four hours.

This hot, really, really hot, the hottest day ever recorded on Earth.

Suck on that, dinosaurs.

We can destroy the planet ourselves. We don't need an asteroid like you pussies. Yes, this summer, the heat is kicking our ass more than usual. Last week it was so hot in New York that and I can't believe I'm gonna say this. I asked the hawk to a girl to hit me in the forehead. And this isn't just your class and keap wave that only kills some old people that no one cares about. The heat is so extreme it's causing shit that's never happened before.

Blazing temperatures outdoors can wreak havoc inside airplanes. These soda cans all exploded on Southwest flights due to extreme heat exposure. The problem is widespread. Southwest Airlines has reported about twenty employees have been injured by exploding soda cans this summer alone.

What the hell it's.

So hot that our soda cans are joining Al Qaida. I don't want to die in a plane crash because of cherry coke. I want to die because the Boeing guys forgot to tighten the screws. This is a disaster. What happens if planes have to get rid of soda? What am I supposed to drink on a flight?

Now? Whiskey? That another whiskey?

What am I supposed to mix the whiskey with another whiskey?

Now?

I haven't had enough? You've had enough?

This is clearly a reckoning, but I'm sure Ewans will take this as a sign the climate change is a serious threat and not a chance for an idiotic photo op.

At Death Valley National Park, they actually embraced the heat, encouraging tourists to take pictures in front of the parks thermometer right now hovering around one one hundred and thirty degrees.

You can definitely feel the heat on your skin. Honestly, it's definitely shocking.

I don't know how anything can survive out here.

Of course, nothing can survive in Death Valley.

That's why they call it Death Valley. Guess what they sell it? Burger king, You idiot.

Now, you think park rangers would be warning people about the deadly heat, but instead they're getting in on the fun.

Park rangers have a tasty way to show you just how hot it is inside your car. So rangers at Sakuro National Park by Tucson made banana bread inside their car.

Some other things you can make inside your car cookies.

Eggs, and even stuffed bell peppers?

Who stuffs the bell pepper?

Yes, global warming means you can cook right in your car is great news for mine, who restaurant Lewis Flex, Hyundai, Sonata, Chimmy Chogas. The secret ingredient is wiper fluid so yes. As we've known for a while, every year, the Earth is getting hotter and hotter, like me and Paul Rudd, and that's why we need every single government body working to fix the product problem. Instead of jerking us around with elementary school science projects.

The National Weather Service put on a colorful display of the record setting heat wave hitting Las Vegas.

Check out this time lapse of.

The extreme temps turning crayons into colored cream. This interesting experiment really puts in perspective just how hot it is out there.

I feel like if you could just sort of freeze that and then, you know, you make a little bit of art.

Out of it, I think so too.

Yes, oh that's cool, but I mean really not cool.

We're all gonna die.

Thanks National Weather Surface. Now we all know what it would look like if a pack of Skittles got its period. So quick safety tip. Okay, if you're gonna leave your kid in a hot car, remember to grab the crayons first. It's hard to know whether to be more worried about the record heat or the record stupidity. But at least when the earth finally explodes, we'll be eating delicious dashboard banana bread along the way. Thomas Jefferson was right when

Just to get through it, which is two weeks, no longer than I'm normally drunk.

But this election sucks extra ass because it might have huge consequences for our country, and it all comes down to turning out one crucial voting block, young people, sticky, disgusting young people. Now, it used to be that all you needed to turn out young voters was a beloved musing star threatening.

To kill people. God, that was fun, wasn't it.

Can you believe Pete Diddy turned out to be an alleged sexual abuser, and here I thought he was just a harmless murderer. But these days, if candidates want to reach young people, there's really only one way.

Social media influences.

From TikTok to Instagram online platforms are becoming a key tool for political campaigns.

A lot of young people, not just political news, but a lot of people use YouTube and TikTok social media influencers to sending the Republican and Democratic National Conventions, both parties officially inviting and credentially hundreds of content creators to help draw eyeballs to their platforms and candidates.

This is what it's come to.

Our election rests with the same people trying to sell you diarrhea infused beauty cream. And if you're unfamiliar with the influencer culture, here's a quick peak. Move over Fredistaire, Captain.

Freda lay Is in the building.

In the old days, doing a karate kick at seven to eleven.

Didn't make you a millionaire. It made you a mep head in Florida.

But if the campaigns are focused on courting these influencers, surely you'd think they must be getting some primo content in return.

Oh, I got.

Dick down at the DNC, deep down at the DNC.

Yeah, thank you.

For having us.

Thank you guys, it's been a real pleasure.

Theater kids are losing their virginity at the DNC.

Well there's hope for you yet, Cory Booker.

By the way, if anyone got dick down at the DNC, it's Joe Biden.

But don't worry Democrats.

They're dipshit tiktoks for conservative students.

Voting Donald Trump.

Baby, WHOA what the was that? That video makes me pro gun just so I can deep throat one in the baptub and look, I appreciate shitty content just as much as the next person. I watched both seasons of Milf Manor and the behind the scenes feature ets. That doesn't mean I'm gonna let the MILFs tell me who to vote for, but his TikTok stars gained political clout. Both camps are now planning entire campaign stops around meeting them, Like when Trump and Logan Paul had this meeting.

Of the mines and.

Wow, that's the first time I've ever seen Donald Trump genuinely laugh.

And all it took was the hilarity of staring down a roided up boy.

Then there's Kamala's VP, Tim Walls, who went on the TikTok Show Subway Takes to have an earthshaking debate about gutters.

So what's your take?

My take as the most neglected part of home ownership is the gutters.

It's personal for me, I've had problems with gutters.

Before you get your basement wet, you get ash dams cause a lot of problems.

Where do you buy gutters the down spots? I bought him in Arch, say big money, evanor oh good? A video for No.

One.

Candidates skip and tire states during the campaign, but subway takes gets a sit down interview.

He wasn't even on the subway.

I didn't see a single rat fist fighting a baby.

Also quick tip for tim wolves.

Young people don't give a shit about gutters because they don't own homes and they never will. So we know what the candidates are getting out of this civic excitement, hire voter turnout and free gutters from the yards. But what about the political influencers? What's in it for them?

Twenty three year old Awa Sana made a name for herself dispensing beauty tips on TikTok.

Sanay says she was hired by Protect our Care, a progressive advocacy group.

What's your rate?

So a video just for a creator in my size an average can go from three thousand dollars to ten thousand dollars depending and upwards.

Ten thousand dollars and all you have to do is sack her five ship dignity time to get paid. Hey, guys, it's Louie b I'm an influencer. Now, I got dick down at the RNC. I got dick down at the DNC. Now pay our past holes, Ronnie, shoot me. I hope you've all registered to vote, because, like Matt Gates at a high school dance, the election is ominously approaching. I for one, I for one am excited. With twenty one days to go.

We still have no idea who the is gonna win.

And that's all thanks to one berry special group of morons.

With twenty one days until election days, the race of the White House, it is getting tighter, and the candidates are putting a laser focus on undecided voters.

Undecided voters in battleground states could decide at all.

That small sliver of undecided voters they're gonna make or break this election.

Oh yes, undecided voters the same people you see at the ice cream shop asking for twelve mini spoon samples. It's a three dollar cone, asshole. How is anyone still undecided in this election? At this point, choosing a candidate.

Should be easy.

Look, it's like a lube salesman deciding if he should swing by P Diddy's house. He has all the information he needs, But after almost two years of campaigning, this election still comes down to winning over a few dozen Pennsylvanians with carbon monoxide poisoning.

Now, don't get me wrong.

Maybe these undecided voters aren't stupid.

Maybe they have a good reason for being idiots.

Has anyone asked them what the hang up is?

I just haven't. I haven't seen enough of it yet.

I need to pay closer attention and kind of do more independent research.

I just need to do my own research.

I'd have to do more research.

God, they all have the same hair.

Go ahead, do your own research.

Hopefully the library will let you huff paint inside.

What are you researching exactly?

We've known these candidates forever, one of them who spent the past four years as vice president and the other who's spent the past forty years as the worst person in America? What is left for you to learn about them? How they load a dishwasher? But I still have hope that some of you undecided voters will eventually make a choice. Something has to force your hand.

We've just learned that Taylor Swift has endorsed Kamala Harris.

Okay, well, then, will you vote for Kamala Harris because of Taylor Swift's endorsement? Anybody you would? Yeah, Julian Ewent, I'll.

Have a musician.

I mean, yeah, you're a musician. You have to. I'm gonna send it back to you guys in the CEO.

Well, even the reporter is like, can I please go cover a mass shooting?

This is depressing.

Forget the economy or abortion or immigration. He wants to vote with his fellow musicians. Don't tell him about kid Rock or his head will explode and there will be nothing everywhere. I for one, am grateful for all these focused groups of undecided voters. They give us insight into the complex minds of America's most powerful people.

Well, it is very important that we have expertise when making these decisions and policy right, and so him bringing the specifics to say that we need the expertise making these decisions. I believe that was very important.

Uh See, even that vampire magician agrees expertise matters, and he should know. He's voted in the last thousand elections.

And for his.

Final trick, he made my hope for gen Z disappear. But the good news is we don't have to listen to these idiots at all, because there's still another option.

I don't know, it's still can change, there's still some time left.

You never know, hope.

So if I don't have a decision, yeah, I probably just won't vote.

Finally, someone talking sense.

I'm tired of my vote being canceled out by someone who's IQ score only makes sense in celsius. So for all you undecided voters, I have a special message.

Hi.

I'm Lewis Black, beloved comedian really and the only Daily Show employee works less than John Stewart. I want to talk to you today about democracy. It's a big responsibility, a sacred rite, and maybe not for everyone because if you're waiting for a Kardashian to tell you who to

Do the right thing.

Don't get out the vote set out the vote and just focus on picking out that ice cream? Might I recommend Rocky Road Yung. It's already been a month since the election. I guess time flies when I'm not ripping out what's left in my pubes. Since Trump's victory, half the country is excited and the other half is.

Still at home in the fetal position.

Me.

I'm coping by shutting off the news for a while and watching something a little cozier like who killed.

John Benet Ramsey? Baby?

It's cold outside and so is this case.

But for those.

Democrats able to leave the house, this is what they're doing.

An art installation on the walls of a Fourteenth Street subway stop is encouraging people to put their thoughts on post it notes. It invites everyone to leave their feelings about this week's presidential election.

But things like I'm so scared, but I love this life more than I fear darkness.

What the is this?

Call me old fashioned, but if you have a breakdown on the subway, you're supposed to jump in front of it. Subway walls are for only two things, mysterious piss stains and ads for shen Yuni. Sure it's a cult but those concubine sure can boogie, and who are these people writing their deepest feelings on a train platform. The only Subway thoughts I have are is that guy shitting?

And why am I being stabbed? In that order?

But if writing postage is a little too subtle, you can react to the election loss the American way.

Violence. Rage rooms are seen a spike in business since the election.

It's a place where you can go in smash plates and televisions, anything else you can find let off steam.

In fact, any immediate days after the election, they say the.

Number of reservations have tripled, a unique way to smash away that stress.

Look out, everyone, the Libs are pissed and they're coming for Grandma's fine China. Democrats can't even get mad correctly, Conservative storm the capitol. Meanwhile, Democrats are like, are these crowbars ethically sourced? When shit gets bad, you don't smash things like a toddler.

You let it eat away.

It's you from the inside, like a big boy with stretch related hemorrhoids, which reminds me this segment is brought to you by preparation, A preparation.

H I'm old, I'm angry, and I'd like some free preparation. A.

But if you'd like to be sad without getting a shard of glass and your retina, you could always venture outdoors and get in touch with your inner coyote.

Liberal women are holding what they call primal scream events to release their fury, screeching at the top of their lungs at Lake Michigan.

Okay, let me get this straight.

Plan A for the Democrats was to vote, and Plan B is to scare the puck out of Sturgeon. I don't know about you, but I'm wiggling optimistic about twenty twenty eight. Trust me, screaming doesn't change anything. I've been doing it for forty years and I'm still at the same That's God, I've wasted my life. But if screaming beside a lake doesn't cure your election blues, maybe riding on a boat will.

And at the presidential elections make you want to jump ship from America for a little while. Well, Billa Vie Residences is a cruise line that actually lets you take a long term dwelling aboard its Odyssey ship. Now there's a one year escape from the reality or a two year midterm selection and if your election hangover is just really, really bad, well, there's a three year everywhere but home and a four year skip forward offshit.

Ooh, a four year cruise. Sign me up.

What better cure for an election hangover than half a decade of pinacoladas and freeze dried scallops. Trump's gonna slash Medicaid just in time for me to get super herpes from a Swiss widow.

Now that every.

Country in the world can see that liberals are terrified, the smart ones are cashing in.

Well.

A small Italian village is offering cheap homes to Americans who.

Want to leave the US.

Yeah, so, the town of olol has moved in ready homes for up to ten thousand bucks, homes that need a little TLC.

They're available for just over a dollar.

Village officials hope this will revive it after its population decline.

Oh great, an Italian village whose population disappeared. That doesn't sound ominous at all. I'm happy to buy a man abandoned home and find out what disemboweled all the cattle. Listen America, maybe, but that doesn't mean I'm moving into Luigi's haunted mansion. Bus plus America already has a creepy Italian shithole.

It's called New Jersey.

Fow not what I expected, but Hey, if you're willing to spend good money to avoid these next four years, I'm willing.

To take it to you. Okay, take it from you.

That's why I'm offering a product of my own uh huh. I call it the Forever Sleepy Time brick huh. Just shackle it to your foot and find the nearest body of water. Screaming optional.