TDS Time Machine | 4/20

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Don't bogart that prescription man. The groovous Federal Advisory Panel ever, has just released a report that claims patient suffering from serious diseases should be allowed to smoke medical marijuana.

While critics all right, while.

Critics contend marijuana is dangerous and often leads to much more addictive substances like laughter and sex.

Here's the drugs are, where the drugs are.

What I will absolutely support, though, is the notion that I think this report readmirably made that there are other cannabinoids besides thhc ah.

Yes, the itching and swelling of cannabinoids and the embarrassment of eating your donut pillow. Doctors are worried about the respiratory effects of smoking marijuana, but there's some good news and some good news talk to me, dude.

We recommend development of a rapid onset but non smoked delivery system, such as.

An inhaler, perhaps similar to nasthma and haler.

Yeah, and inhaler will likely be lauded by fourteen year old shop students, but drastically change the image of the high school burnout. I'm gonna kick your ass after Jim Dorth.

Research.

Monkeys become addicted to marijuana. They're desperate parents plea for them to just say, if you go to the zoo and see a gibbon in a beret reciting Ginsburg's howl over the whale of a Coltrane seventy eight, don't worry, You're not high the monkey is. A new study released earlier in the week reports that monkeys will repeatedly dose themselves with THCHC, the active ingredient of marijuana, if given

According to the.

Scientists, the monkeys didn't show any sign of being sedated by the drug, though they did show signs of paranoia, claiming they felt like they were in cages while being watched by men in lab coats.

Our next hell story.

Should be of particular interest to our teen viewers who suffer from crippling glaucoma.

For centuries, marijuana.

Has been used as a self prescribed remedy for the terminal disease. Known as being alive. But last week, the Supreme Court heard arguments as to whether state initiatives permitting the drug to be used medicinally violate federal law. It's a case that figures to settle once and for all the legality of medical marijuana and thereby effect the lives of no fewer than point zero zero zero one percent

I don't deny that, you know sick people who have been using it for a long time feel better after using this because they get high, and when you get high, you feel better.

Robert McGinnis speaking out strongly and poorly against marijuana, medical marijuana, which is a miracle. Now the upcoming Supreme Court debate could even be a hotter button issue than Americans not sleeping enough. That's why it's the subject of tonight's even Stephen, you've just made.

Me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own acts?

Tonight's topic should medical marijuana be legalized?

Yes?

No?

Yeah.

The medical marijuana initiatives in California and New Mexico were approved by the voters solely to help seriously ill patience, for whom marijuana offers the only relief from pain. Who could deny an eighty year old woman a moment of respite.

From her tortured existence.

But I suppose there are a few individuals out.

There who get off.

Aren't other people suffering?

Steven far out, Steve.

Groovy point man, you're blowing my mind. Face it, You and your doctor dopes are just hiding behind Grandma's oxygen tent. The real reason you're pushing pro pot legislation is so you can suck on a tie stick and watch the walls bring in to pulse and bread. And now that you've duped a few misguided state legislators, I'm sure we can all look forward to you coming down with the convenient case of glaucoma real soon.

This marijuana is medicine, Stephen. I'm pro people, not pro poto.

Come on, Steve, you love ganja and the exhilarating rush of freedom and the heightened textural sensations it gives you, Whereas I wouldn't know where to start looking for a dime bag, I'm sure you've got great connections, so let me in on the dirty little secret, Steve.

Where do you get your pot? Stephen?

Just because I support medical marijuana, it's ludicrous to imply that I'm a dope fiend. That's like saying because I support the repeal of the marriage tax penalty that I'm.

Into wife swapping. Don't change the subject, Steve.

You know exactly where I can get my hands on some really deep chronic don't you.

Let's get back to my wife swapping metaphor. Fine, let's what you're suggesting about my access to sweet Malaysian skunk weed is just as ridiculous as if I said, Hey, Stephen Colbert, why don't you and your wife come over some night this week and we can exchange partners. Would that idea appeal to you?

I don't know, Steve. Would we be high. I don't know. Would you bring the dope?

Steve, You're not listening to my argument. My argument is that, if for instance, I tried to buy pot, I couldn't get any, but I think you could get me some.

You're not listening, Steven. You're in a fantasy world where I smoke pot and could get my hands on some very kind butt. But we would be wife swapping this Friday. Have I made myself clear?

Clear? Is crystal, Steve.

But let me see if I can just recap your really twisted argument. You're saying that if we were to enter into some bizarre love quadrangle, you'd be supplying the weed.

Yes, okay, that sounds perfect.

Great.

I'm Stephen Colbert and I'm Steve Carell and this has been even Steven.

Should we bring anything?

Yeah, bottle wine would be nice.

We'll be right back.

One of the challenges of this job is to engage the audience in stories they have no inherent interest in. And that's that's gonna be tough again tonight, because sadly, we're about to talk about marijuana.

Now grow up.

Now, not everybody in the medical community is a big fan of it, but last Thursday that may have changed thanks to America's favorite doctor. No, not him, I'm talking about the real McDreamy.

Doctor Sanjay Gupta changes his mind on weed.

Sanja, you were very critical of medical marijuana for a long time.

You've changed your mind?

Tell us why?

Whoa oh Sanjay Gupta getting on the Mary Jane train, chief medical correspondent of the Cannabis News Network talking some weed with Aaron Burnout and Wolf spliffser So, Sange, what changed your mind about the gange?

I think you know we've been terribly and systematically misled in this country for some time. I took the DEA at their word when they said as a schedule on substance and has no medical applications.

Wait, you took the Drug Enforcement Agency at their word? Is there any other other medical misinformation that you may still believe just because someone told you? You do know that you won't actually go blind from jacking it, right, because I just found that out two weeks ago and it's turned my life around anyway, Doctor g please continue your report on we.

What's next?

An exclusive report on tasty mon cheese huh.

Very early studies on mice are now showing the potential of marijuana to kill cancer cells. Amache is using marijuana to help him with the pain in nausea from chemo therapy. Residents here are using marijuana for pain, loss of appetite, Parkinson's disease, and dementia.

Right, because, of course, marijuana actually has real medical benefits and can be prescribed by doctors. In fact, dispensaries sell different strains to treat different problems. And on that note, if you want this drug with serious medical benefits to be taken seriously, how about adulting up the names a little bit. That way, a sick old man doesn't have to ask for a quarter ounce of Rainbow Diesel Funkadelic Cheddar Harmony. It's just a suggestion, but I have to

I'm going to make a shocking revelation here. I've tried cannabis when I was a young, younger lad, and I've also had to have Vikerdom when I broke some ribs, falling off embarrassingly a segue in Santa Monica, and I can tell you that it was the Vikerdom, which I was prescribed by my doctor, which gave me a massively higher high than the cannabis ever did.

Okay, this is important.

I would like to personally offer ten thousand dollars in rewards to anyone who can bring me footage of Piers Morgan falling off that segue. I'm mean, it's neither vicarin, nor marijuana nor the purest ecstasy could bring anyone as much joy as that videotape could.

Today is what is today?

April twentieth, And that date, when written in numeric forum, indicates that it's time for Uncle Johnny's super cush totally chillacs, sticky icky informative marijuana news report.

What's What's up? I didn't have time to do the whole thing, and the.

I honestly look like a rainbow haired Larry Fine from the Three Stages. Right now for twenty man best day of the year, Let's tune in and drop out and get totally baked on news. And there's one network that gets the groove that I'm grooving.

It's four twenty bra times are a changeing. I just legally purchased marijuana. A new movement is growing. One network, one groundbreaking event.

It's four twenty, So grab your favorite Monchi's and get ready for a night you wouldn't expect on CNN.

Yeah.

Like I always say, CNN is coolest and I'm way ahead of you guys. I got the munchies all set. I got my Ben and Jerry's Vanilla. Whoa, but I got my Ben and Jerry's vanilla afy Cooman crunch. It's Uh. It's basically lack tight ice cream with a girl bits of matsa hidden right inside there. The good news is the more you eat it, the less matsa you have to deal with. Uh?

All right?

First up Weed three, take it away, Sanjay, feel good, pah hope he ties up all the loose ends from weeds one and two.

Could marijuana help save veterans? It seems to be helping her PTSD using marijuana to treat the symptoms of Alzheimer's. She says marijuana makes her nearly pain free. He was once suicidal, but Sean now has hope. Hope that comes from this plant.

Well you hear me, san n I'm ready for weed, stock, the whole thing, and you're giving me this.

This is an actual news report.

What are you gonna bore me with an economics lesson?

Now?

It has been over a year now since Colorado legalized recreational marijuana. In February, the state reported a fifty three million dollar tax revenue increase.

This pot story isn't fun at all.

It's all about disease and taxes and what about free love hot boxing and free love hot boxing?

Come on, guys, hot raging dudes.

Okay, lose the wig wavy gravy, which is a reference. I don't even understand. Nobody knows what you're talking about.

Es happy four twenty you chilling ew ew Okay, stop enough enough.

I'm just grooving to the hash Bama.

No, no, you're not. You're making everyone look bad. Pot isn't just for shirless old dudes with bongos. It's a non addictive, proven effective medical treatment that is now raising much set a tax revenue for like schools, libraries, and roads.

Ooh, look at the square what.

Four twenty? What can't we just sit back, hit the dube and use a pink.

Floyd gatefold album to sift out the seeds in our lid of skunk weed?

What what?

I literally don't know what any of those words need. Nobody uses record albums to sift their pot. Nobody owns record albums. I mean like I do because I'm cool. But what the hell is skunk weed?

You know?

Skunk weed?

Twag twag?

What like free t shirts?

Oh?

Like bad weed? There's a such thing as bad weed? You know what? Never mind?

Look, this is now, John, and we don't smoke. We, babe, are scientifically cultivated, medical grade buds that we had hand delivered using a phone app called Dankstagram, which signs of delivery to show up precisely five minutes before our typhood. It's right.

I got a vape?

I vape?

Oh really?

Which one you got?

Jeepin?

You got a pax?

I believe it's a vix it's a vaporizer.

It's not a I add some albuterol sometimes if my allergies are kicking, an idea.

You know, pollen in amazing, John, you make me so sad.

I love you.

She's awesome.

But even with all marijuana's proven benefits, there's always one guy's got.

To be a total nark.

Yeah.

Chris Christie says if he becomes president, he will.

Crack down on states that allow the sale of marijuana.

Marijuana is a gateway drug. We have an enormous addiction problem in this country. Marijuana is an illegal drug under federal law, and the states should not be permitted to sell it and profit from it.

You heard the man, Hey, Let the man be ideologically consistent, or at least appear that way. No Christian administration will tolerate, let alone raise revenue from anything addictive or that federal law disapproves of. Roll the tape.

Chris Christie is the guy that signed into lawby to legalize internet gambling.

He claims legalizing sports gambling would add a new source of cash for his stake.

Well, there is a difference, though, to be fair, if you smoke too much pot, no one comes to break it in knees.

My guest tonight is a multi platinum selling recording authors whose new album is called Rolling Papers Chew.

Please welcome, Where's Kalifah?

Welcome to the show, up, dude, this is the second time so you I met you backstage now and I got high just meeting you.

That's awesome.

And I'm not joking. This is the second time. There was one time I was flying out of LA and you were ahead of me in the TSA line and you had to like take everything off. You had like hoodies and all that, and you were like taking it all off and I'm standing behind you and it smelled like every Snoop Dogg album. And I remember on that I was like, oh, I'm high, And this is like the second time is just like you do this everywhere you go.

You inspired way I want people to get. I want you to get stoned free. You know what I'm saying, Zach, I'm the homie, you know what humanitarians.

Before we get into the week, let's talk about the album though. Rolling papers to twenty five songs on the album. That's that's a lot of songs. Is that something you always planned this? Why did you want to have twenty five songs on the album.

I've been working on this album for like three close to four years, and early in the process I asked my fans, like should I make it a double album or not? And they all told me that I should make it a double album. So it was always my intention to release a lot of music. I just had to figure out a way to make it flow in a way to you know, put it all together. But yeah, I definitely wanted to give people a full course meal.

Right and when like when you it's just like we talk now, is.

That what we're doing?

Why did they hy a turkey burgers?

It's been seven years since your your first studio album, Ruining Papers. Why's it taking so long?

Well, I've just been growing, growing pot but for real, real, like I have a really extensive catalog. It's really really long. So I've been just you know, satisfying everybody on everything, you know what I mean. And now I'm back with another album where it's like, Okay, let's let's get back to and then create another ten fifteen years a legacy.

And people think you're joking about growing part but you you are really big into the legalization of weed. You have a business Khalifa Cushion. Yes, sir, right, how how is the weed business going? Isn't as booming as people say that?

Absolutely, it's really good and it's it's super cool because people are not as afraid of pot as they used to be, So it's like they ingested in different ways. They eat it.

It's cream.

It's like CBD where they've taken the THHC which got you stoned.

They took that, they took that out.

And now you can just enjoy the medicinal effects of it as well.

So you have a choice as.

A dad, would you let your kids smoke weed.

When he gets to the legal age?

Absolutely? Oh does he know you smoke weed?

Absolutely?

How do you know?

It's hard not to know. Oh.

Before I let you go, I wanted to talk to you about your body. The no this this became a big thing online, you know, which was always known for being like this scraggly dude, like you were really told six foot four? I think you started working out?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you.

Put on what thirty pounds?

Thirty pounds? Absolutely, you look like you work out too, man.

No, I just eat.

Kind of like this suit.

But how did you get thirty pounds on you?

What did you like? What did you do? And how did you just get into working?

I joined the gym in LA It's called Unbreakable, right. They put me on a meal plan and diet and all of that stuff, and it's a lifestyle thing. So something that I'm gonna do like for the rest of my life.

So the new album is out, are we going to wait another seven years for the next one we know? Is it like, is it going to be Khalifa Kush all the way and then an album? Or do you see yourself on the road writing some of you?

I see myself making a whole lot of music. I have a label, Taylor Gang, and I have a lot of artists that I focus on as well. Chevy Woods just put out a project called eighty one. We just signed Skate. We got a bunch of other people who's been working on music, Burner TOOKI, We got producers like TM and things like that. So just as long as the music is getting out there, it doesn't even matter if it's one of my albums, Like, just as long as people getting stone.

I want to dig into all these angles with the greatest news team in the world.

Let's go to the airport right now with Roy Wood Junior.

Roy Right, well, you you interviewed.

The flight attendants. What did the flight attendants say?

Oh this is so good?

Oh my god?

Right, Roy, you you interviewed the flight attendants?

Right, yeah, yeah, I was was I was gonna interview him.

But damn, Mars is so good. It's so small, but it's so good. Right, I'm sorry. What's going on, right, Jordan? I just wanted to relax a little bit. Is full torning spots one is so so? I on a four twenty.

I just smoked and smoked a little bit of weed, and I smoked a whole lot more.

You're high during the show?

Come man, the news.

Is so depressing. Up then, I just needed a break. Plus, it's Black History month, man, Back up, off.

Roy.

You literally just told me it's four twenty that is April. Is that what the fall stands for me?

Dead right, David, I'm disappointed. Sorry, folks, it's very unprofessional. Let's just let's go to Southwest headquarters to get the corporate reaction from our own Desi lighting, Desisi, Desi is Southwest policy on baby attendance going to change?

There's an even bigger question here, Jordan, which is how did planes even fly?

Like they have wings? But the wings don't flap. I've never seen a plane take off like this. God, David, Desi, are you I what?

No?

I mean yes, but on weed, I'm not like high in a plane?

Is that what?

You meant.

No, that's not what I meant. Honestly, folks, look, I'm sorry. There's a total lack of professionalism. You deserve better. It's unbelievable. Let's let's try this one more time. Michael Costa, are you there with us?

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, of course I am Jordans. I'm Michael Castla, Yeah yeah yeah. And don't you worry because I'm not high on weed. I'm high on a cocaine.

Okay, I'm very illegal, and.

Well, don't you worry it it's medicinal. I bought it behind a Walgreens, So we're good.

Did you at least interview anyone?

Oh, buddy? I interviewed everyone. I interviewed the guy, I interviewed the baby. I interviewed every piece of luggage. I interviewed myself. That was interesting. And I'm gonna interview the plane once the lands on this run right, WHOA.

Well, how did you get on an active runway? It was there was a door, it was unlocked. It was basically unlocked. You just walked through a punch of security guard and then you're here. You're there. Got to get out of there. It's not safe. Don't worry dude, I can't physically die.

Okay, I see the plane coming, but bring it out, bring it out.

Let's go ender the cinepon.

A rock.

What are you doing? There's a plane coming right right? But how did they get in the bunch? How did you even get that? You weren't even at the airport.

Oh, I flew this does work?

You said, start an airlocks. I was telling about the time that we could get the plane. You can leave the man, don't get hit by a plane. I can't believe you all got a high of work without me.

Deisi Roy and Michael everyone.

Hey, yea, you're old.

Call Sarah Silverman and I'm back in New York City where now weed is so legal they have stores stores with weed.

I mean, what is this? Twenty three other states?

Great?

But could I find someone to smoke this fancy new legal lead with. Do you guys smoke pot?

Yeah? Yeah, yeah?

You buy it from the store now? Or do you guys still are you loyal to your old dealers?

Yoused to have to go all around? I'm like, hey, I gotta text you a menu.

So now you just go down.

The corner and then there's like.

A store right there.

I noticed a couple of you have walkie talkies? Is it for work?

Yeah?

Hey, you know this is Sarah Silverman.

I just want to let you know that Curtis has diarrhea.

And he might be a little bit late.

Okay, well these guys didn't get Stoner comedy. But maybe i'd find some bud buddies at one of the new license dispensaries like the Union Square Travel agency, where buying drugs feels like, well, a little bit like making an appointment at the not so genius part.

So when you'll legalize, they granted the first licenses, so people being fully incostrated.

I love it.

When I first up to New York City, the way I got weed was call my dealer or get into his Toyota Yaris and have to sit in a smelly car while I listen to his band's demo and here I mean, are you in a band?

Not in a band?

It's refreshing. Instead of dealers without professional boundaries, these new dispensaries have weed baristas aka bud tenders. I want the giggles and the creativity of a sativa with the feeling like I'm being held by like a sixteen foot man cradled like a baby.

We have something for that, really, So what's your preferred method of consumption?

Do you have anything that I can put up anally, like as a full story of some kind, not with weed in it, just anything.

Not here?

Are you high right now?

No?

I'd like to speak to a manager.

Please, non high weed dealers. What a strange new world. At least the custom were just like in the old days. What are you guys going to do when you're high?

We giggle?

Yeah, lah laugh and do we get intimate?

We get intimate and we get brownies.

What's brownie is?

Is that kind of some kind of sexy feminism? Oh, it's just an actual brownie.

We're old fashioned, just brownies.

Well that sounds good.

That's right up my alley. Can I get high with you?

Sure?

When it's time to get intimate, you know, one of you.

Guys will have to leave. Can we choose extraws?

H And people aren't just using weed to enhance their eating and love making.

It helps with a lot.

Of anxiety or just like bet.

Nerve pushing button where you're just like I don't want to talk to you anymore.

It's like I feel like you smoke pot, and you realize that nothing you're worried about matters. I mean, basically, we're already dead. These users were so stoked on their legal weed it seems like anyone could sell it to them notes of hick or like anyone at all. What ills are you trying to solve with drugs?

I'm just looking to get higher than I've ever been. Yeah, just ultimate high.

We can do that with this st That's going to be seven hundred and thirty eight dollars. It is expensive, but it is cheaper than therapy. That's perfect.

All in all.

It's crazy to think that something you can buy now for a lot of money in a fancy store used to get people sent to prison, and many are still there. There are people here that were put in prison for weed crimes. Yeah, it would be great if there was a radical exchange of wealth with people who have served time for something that politicians are making millions from now.

Absolutely, I don't know what I'm saying.

I'm I'm stoned.

I still hadn't found anyone to smoke with besides the horny brownie lovers, But as usual, New York City didn't let me down.

This is crazy.

We're actually doing story about people smoking weed in New York.

No, I'm smoking weed in New York right now. That's crazy and you're doing it.

What kind of weed is this?

So this is like sativa as a cookies blend, you know, classic.

But I get it from a smoke shop.

You get it illegally from a deli, Well.

From a smoke shop. You gotta be careful with what you give.

Yeah.

Yeah, my guy showed me photos of where he grows and stuff, so I trust him.

Yeah, he is a picture of it.

Hee, It's definitely true.

Which led me to address the most serious question that this issue had raised. I've got a dog at home, Like, do you think she loves me? Or do you think it's just like I'm the person that feeds her, so she just plays ball.

Your dog is love, and that might be what you need.

And even if it's not directed to you, that's the love you got, Like, that's you, your dog. So does it matter?

I guess it doesn't really matter whether you get your weed from a fancy dispensary or as part of some tragically misguided drug war, as long as you smoke it with a friend. My dog is love.

I could cry.

That's so beautiful.

Love.

My dog is love.

Love made a mess on the carpet, and.

Love clean that mess up. It's all love.

You start tonight with the fundamental battle of the ages, not the one between good and evil evil one that immediately I'm talking about the fight between marijuana and alcohol. Alcohol has had the upper hand for decades, but now it appears that marijuana is pulling ahead well.

For the first time ever, daily marijuana use is now pacing daily alcohol use.

This is according to a new national study. Millions of people in the US report using marijuana daily or nearly every day. According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, those people now outnumber those who say they are daily or near daily drinkers of alcohol.

That's right, daily pot smokers are beating daily alcohol drinkers in the race to see who can escape their sad lives more quickly.

But in some ways it makes sense. You know, edibles are just much.

More efficient than booze. I mean, have you ever tried to get a trick or treater drunk? It's almost impossible. Of course, the rising popularity of weed is a good reminder to the beer.

Industry that they got lazy.

They thought they could just sit back and relax while Tommy Chong bought every goddamn ad on Twitter. You know, congrats, beer companies, you lost to that well known super ambitious type, a hardworking go getter Tommy Chong now weed an alcohol aside. The larger issue is that maybe, just maybe we shouldn't be depending on all these substances in the first place. You know, life is much better when you're sober and

So explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.

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