You're listening to Comedy Central. Well, it's summer, which always reminds me of my childhood at camp, canoeing, roasting marshmallows, learning how to masturbate, or as we call it, a camp, beating the tom tom. It's all about the beat. Nearly every adult who went to camp remembers it fondly, but like jerking off, some people just can't let go camp.
It is not just for kids anymore, because more and more places they're offering camps for adults.
All the fun things that you would do as a kilic, swimming, archery, ziplining of ropes course, even a talent show.
We have arts and crafts.
There are also other camps there too, like Space Camp. You get to go on an interactive space mission, build rockets and train like astronauts.
What the hell is wrong with these peotball in my game, when you had a midlife crisis, you bought a red Corp back and seen it on your wife. Now it's sharing bunk beds and making lanyards. Huh, stop reinventing the wheel, and don't get me started on space camp. Kids go to space camp because there's still hope they'll go to actual space. When you're a grown up, that spaceship has sailed. It would be like trying to seduce Roy Moore when you're forty seven. You're forty years too late. Oh what
did you vote for it? But there's another reason adults are going back to camp, and it ain't archery.
Play like a kid and party like a grown up is the motto at camp. No counselors and all inclusive weekend long sleep away camp for grown ups. The all inclusive package includes lodging, food and open bar, nightly parties, and tons of old school camp activities like wheelbarrow races and human hungry hungria.
Vote. Oh yeah, boot, I love getting wasted and then getting tossed like a salad. Seriously, if I want to puke in a ball pit, I'll go to McDonald's like a normal person. Look, it's one thing for these forty year old toddlers to ruin camp, but I refuse to stand by and watch them room booze in these terrible times, it's all we have left. And besides, if all the adults are in camp pretending to be kids, who's going to do all the adult.
Stuff kids summer camps are putting away the canoes and the kayaks, and instead, in some cases, teaching kids how to manage money.
Attractive options for families who want their children to learn about budgets and business.
Here, kids from seven to sixteen learn to crunch numbers for a product they'll later design, manufacture, and market.
Oh great, just what this country needs. Even younger Wall Street tooch pads. I can't wait to get my house repossessed by a banker who still wears a onesie. So I get why these kids are being sent to learn about money. Someone's got to pay for their parents to play drunken corn hole. Look, it's clear what's happening here. These camps trick kids into doing work while the old
folks have fun in the sun. It's wrong, it's despicable, and I want in Hey, kids, why waste your summer groping each other in the woods when you can learn a trade here a camp worker be You'll learn all sorts of skills, like mowing my lawn, doing my taxes, getting things that I point at, and as an elderly person, my clothes are old and frayed, so you'll also be doing some light setting about two hundred shirts an hour. Jack cronidas tomorrow. Don't spend the summer just sitting on
your ass. Spend it. Wipe that by ass. It's summertime, that wonderful time of the year when the sun is out, kids are playing, and I sweat so much my shirt turns into a map of the Middle East. My nipple is the Gods's strip. You don't want to go anywhere near it. And on the hottest days, you have a few options. You can hidrate, you can stay indoors, or you could always go to the beach, but only if you wanna die.
Sharks summertime clars encounters scarish has feet from shore.
In South Carolina, a shark in knee deep water just feet away from swimmers, and in New Jersey, a sixteen foot great white feasting on a bag of bait before swimming away. This year, Hawaii has already seen twice as many attacks as they did all of last year, and just last week white was tracked near New York's Long Island.
When a white shark bites a person, it is a mistake because it thinks that that person is a sealed.
Wait a minute, so if a white sharks biting you, it's a mistake. But if a black shark gets caught with just a little bit of weed, it goes to jail for life. That doesn't seem fair. And also, what do you mean if I get bitten, it's because I look like a seal. So now I'm getting eaten and body shamed. Talk about adding insult to injury.
And if you're thinking, no.
Problem, I'll just stay in the shallow water where it's safe, well, good luck, sucker.
There are new concerns about rare but potentially deadly flesh eating bacteria found in warm waters. Potentially deadly bacteria can enter the body through a cutter of scrape. According to the CDC, the bacteria causes eighty thousand illnesses and one hundred deaths in the US every year.
Just pay attention.
Don't be afraid of the ocean, but be aware of what's going on.
Be aware it's bacteria. What am I supposed to do? Snorkele with a microscope? At least with a shark, I can hear the fin and the jaws music. I can see the fin, But flesh eating bacteria is a silent killer. Like Jason, It's what I've always respected about him. He's in it for the stabbing, not the hit shack. Also, what's with these bacteria? They never eat the flesh that I don't want. How about with that of my leg?
Why don't you guys.
Take a nibble on my love handles? That way you still get to eat, and I don't look like a seal. So it's dangerous in the water. It's dangerous close to the water, and you think you're safe way up on the beach, you better duck.
A warning about a surprising summer danger beach umbrellas flying through the.
Air, seriously injuring beach goers.
Jen Ocean City, Maryland. In twenty fifteen, a bystander filming as the wind picks up these umbrellas and turns them into projectiles. The videos wild and the situations incredibly dangerous.
Over the last ten years, there have been reports of over thirty two thousand injuries related to umbrellas across the country.
Did you see that it's an umbrella uprising? We always thought it was going to be the robots. We never suspected the umbrellas, and who can blame them for organizing? We treat them like shit. They only get pulled out in the extreme heat of the rain, We're never like, oh, it's a beautiful day, my umbrella deserves a walk. But on the pus side, if you survive an umbrella in Paling, at least you'll never need to buy sunscreen again. Sell whether it's sharks or bacteria or umbrellas, everything on the
beach once you dead. But don't worry, kids, you can just simulate the experience at home. Just turn off your air conditioning, stand in the tub with a peanut colada, and shove a fistful of sand up your ass. Happy summer, everybody, sever gost black, everyone hour a back.
This whole week, much of the United States has been suffering through a heat wave, and if you've been stuck in it, please don't forget to drink water, stay inside and check in on your elderly neighbors because they might have air condition as you can steal. But if you've been hoping to cool down at the beach or at the pool, you might be out of luck.
As summer heats up, some families are cleaning down in the water at their own risk. A major lifeguard shortage is leaving many beaches unguarded and pols understaffed, forcing some to close the American Lifeguard Association estimating one third of the nation's public pools are impacted. The shortage is caused by a wave of factors. Young people have plenty of other job options to choose from, and training courses were canceled during the pandemic. Some pools looking to pull in
new lifeguards by upping salaries six flags. Saint Louis is offering eighteen dollars an hour to lifeguards plus a five hundred dollars bonus.
Ooo, pools are closed for the summer. I wanna have no where pee, but yeah, pools and beaches are in big trouble because no he wants to be a lifeguard right now, which is surprising to me. I mean, you think every teenager would want this job. I mean you get to work on your tan, to relax dress code, and you get to make out with all those drowning people.
You know.
You know if you ask me, Americans are too soft.
Yeah.
I saw the story and I was like, Americans are too soft. You won't swim because there's no lifeguard. Man, if you told an African parent that you won't swim without a lifeguard, they'd be like, Eh, do you know who is your lifeguard. Jesus, don't forget that, don't ever forget that. But this is a major problem, especially for pools that have to shut down because they can't find lifeguards. Luckily, though luckily, Leo Deblin has a solution for you.
Are your beaches and pools clothes for the summer because of a lifeguard shortage. You just want to swim, but ain't nobody want to save your ass from a shot. We'll break out that swimsuit goomb the summer is that gone? Introducing Leo Devlin substitute lifeguard. It's a cardboard cut out of me that you can put up on the lifeguard chair. Guarantees that look real enough for the safety inspector as he's driving by. So now you can get back to doing what you love.
He in the pool.
Choose your lifeguard type from multiple Leo Devlin models. We have mister nice guy, the whistleblower and of course I told Jo asked, And if we start to drown, don't worry. All our lifeguards come with a built in speaker. That's got you covered. Someone else saved that dude, I just ay, So save your summer with the Leo Devlin substitute lifeguard. Hey for eighty five dollars. You can get that from the mama or.
Substitutes like Naba.
It's which could.
Public swimming pools. They're how we drink pea from strangers. But chances are you've never been to a public swimming pool, which is too bad because America used to be full of them. But guess what came along and took them all away? That's right racism. See after World War One, public swimming pools became very popular. Cities across the country started building them. And these weren't just any pools. They
had sand, grassy lawns. Some were even bigger than football fields and could hold ten thousand people, which I guess was supposed to be like a giant pool party, but that many people sharing the water just down nasty.
What's up, y'all?
This is dje cola.
But back in the nineteen thirties people loved it. Going to the pool was as popular as going to the movies, which isn't saying much because movies back then suck. Every movie was about a man struggle to grow a full mustache. So America hung out at the public pool and said, unfortunately, black people weren't allowed into this national pool party. Cities didn't build pools and black neighborhoods, and white people didn't
want us in their neighborhood pools. Partially, they were concerned about black men intermingling with white women in such a sexual atmosphere. I mean, I know it might it's that ridiculous to think of a public pool as a sexual atmosphere. But this was the nineteen twenty. They were seeing knees for the first time. I'm talking the top, the bottom, that little knuckle part in the middle, the whole circle.
Woo have you seen these? Ah?
So, lots of communities banned black people from swimming in white pools, and in some cities, like Pittsburgh, the police just let white swimmers literally beat black swimmers out of the water. At one pool in Saint Louis, white people got so violent beating black people that they eventually closed
the whole pool for gud. Imagine being so racist that you get your own pool shut down, just sweating your balls off, like well, at least that black kid can't swim either, ha ha ha oh someone called the hospital. I think I got the heat drum. But all that changed with the Civil Rights Movement. You know how activists desegregated diners with sittings, Well they also desegregated public pools with weigh ins and dive ins. Although if you had just eaten, it was wait twenty minutes in and all
this activism really pissed off. The racist protesters got arrested, beaten, and one hotel owner even dumped acid into his pool to get protesters out. Look at this piece of shit in this ugly ass suit, although back then wastes had to be that high because men kept all their racism in their gut. Unfortunately for the racists, the Civil Rights Movement secured passage of the Civil Rights Act and public
pools were ordered to be de segregated. But since racists white people were no longer allowed to fight, they chose flight into the private swim club. Since the Civil Rights Act didn't apply to private membership clubs, white people could make their pools members only and make sure their members were as white as a bar of soap at a kid rock concert. I'm just kidding, there's no soap a
kid rock concerts. From the nineteen fifties until today, cities shut down their public pools while private swim clubs and backyard pools popped up all over the United States, mostly in white suburbs. The legacy of this racism is the reason you can't walk through a suburb in the summertime without hearing ten kids looking for some full name Marco. It's been seven hundred years, Marco Bendet. And it's this legacy that has shaped the disparities around race and swimming today.
Because of a lack of place as a swim, black people don't swim as much, and that means that black children are at a higher risk of drowning. But losing all these public pools hurt everybody else too. We could always spend in the hall time at the pool, but because of racism, the only public place we can go to cool off is the library. And nobody wants to see a sweto in the periodical's room. Which is why
I say, let's bring public pools back America. Let's rebuild all those big ass pools, but this time with equal access for all. Then we can all swim together in peace and harmony and rub sunscreen on each other's knees.
Ice cream vacations, long walks on the beach, hate all that shit.
What can it? Prove me wrong? Summer editions? Summer is the worst season. Proved me wrong?
Well, I would say summer is the season where everyone's the happiest. During the summer, everyone gets to come outside.
Everybody's shirt turns into.
But during the summer, when everyone's sweaty and gross, everyone's whatdy engross. We're all equal during the summer.
So you're making a Marxist argument for BO during summer.
Yeah, pretty much.
Yeah, sorry, this is the free world. The top one percent should not have BO.
How do you smell?
Go ahead, smell me. I dare you smell the shit right now? You smell like me?
Se you we're the same.
That's not a compliment. Pulls are better than oceans. Proved me wrong.
Pull's a stinky They have nasty people that go in there.
They just getting it.
They funky bodies, and it's sweaty cells and it's PLoP up in there.
Yeah, you think people don't pee and poop in the ocean. It is not just people, by the way. You think whales are coming on land to take a shit, Yeah, if they want to, They're not shitting in the ocean. It's whales jellyfish, seals, it's octopus, it's everything in there is just shitting into your mouth. Oceans are just poles that are trying to kill you. Give me shocks. Sightings have been here this last week. There's five Like, did
you see the shark? No? Interesting? Interesting? Oh so your argument is I didn't see the sharks, so therefore the ocean is safe. Good look out there.
I've never seen a shark at myself, So.
Denial food from the from pools. Either there's no fish in woods, but in the ocean, I'd be sustaining myself fresh coconuts, fresh fish. You can't eat anything near the ocean. Sand gets in it. Put your money where your mouth fish. This is food. This is your food on the beach. Not good enough for you. Okay, I got some bad news for you. There's no protein insand thanks for the fries. Thanks bro. Pigeons are better than seagulls. Prove me wrong.
Kitchens are literal like rats with wings. Genetically they used to beat white, but the I'm out of like Darwinism, and like after all these years, they actually turn black to adapt to like certain environments, and they're so gross.
Why do you have to make this racial. I'll talk about pigeons as a seagulls not why. How much Info Wars do you watch? No?
But it's like it's over time, like they start genetically they used to be white, but genetically.
Over time they like people have been canceled for less than that. Those are gross, wrong, wire popsicles gross. I don't need to watch someone for late a dessert eating as er as gross enough. At least you can't deep throw it.
I'm sorry. It prepares you for life. That's a lot of work and there's lots of instances where you have to do things similarly to eating a popsicle.
Do you work in show business? No? But popsicles are good man.
You got all the different kinds of flavors, like what fifty to fifty bars?
You got red an original pop, sole got bomb pops. I know those are flavors. Okay, so you tell me what flavor that is.
This is great and I absolutely love it. Everybody hates on it, but it's so good.
Grapes don't taste like that in real life. Okay. The guy who created the flavor grape clearly has never had a great bit before. Yeah. See, no, that's you ate it like a pelican. You didn't even chew it. How did you do that? It's sticking to your beard now? Oh oh that's so good. Yeah, see that's no man. Popsicles on? Gross? You are gross? Which wrong?
What you got against popsicles?
Mess? They make my hands stick?
Why you don't eat it fast enough? Yeah, you can't put it in your mouth fast enough.
Why don't you demonstrate right now? Oh yeah, okay, that's very experience.
No mass looking, no mess. You still have my lip closs on?
Okay, you know what that was? Actually, as much as I want to hate on that, it was actually pretty impressive. I feel like you actually did prove me wrong. So you know what.
What's happening all right? Is that what I win?
You get to wear the golden thong. You have now earned the right to take my place behind them, provem my own thu. You've clearly proven me wrong. That's what happens when you prove me wrong. Not to take over. No, you gotta take my place now. It's our highlander. You're right, now take my spot.
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