Sarah Silverman Covers Trump's Off The Rails Testimony | Joel Madden

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New York, the only city in America. It's the show that you said news. It's the Daily Show with.

Your home Sarah Daily Show.

I am Sarah Silverman, back by popular demand. Popular is my Nano's name. I'm kidding, she's dead, but it was her stripper name. We've got a great show for you tonight. So let's get right into headlines. Let's kick things off with the reason most of the people in this audience could not sleep.

Well last night.

A new poll shows Joe Biden getting trounced by Donald Trump in almost every single swing state. Don't panic, It's still too early to say Biden will definitely lose. He could absolutely die in his sleep. Instead, I'm just saying this is really scary for liberals. And I mean actually scary, not like they took Hamilton off Disney Plus scary. You know what I'm gonna be honest, I like a scary poll number puts a little fire under your tikis. This is a wake up call to Joe Biden. I mean no, really, Joe,

In fact, today in New York, former President.

Donald Trump actually took the stand to defend against accusations his company admitted fraud, and things went just about as well as you would expect.

Within minutes of Trump taking the stand, a battle with the judge quickly unfolded. Judge Arthur and Goren accused Trump of making long winded speeches, not answering questions, and even threatened to excuse the former president. The judge told defense attorneys, quote, I beseech you to control him if you can.

If you can't, I will so far I mean, Caitlin, It's fair to say this has really been a mess. Here's one example.

When asked by prosecutors whether he was involved in the preparation of Keith and Agil documents in twenty twenty one, Trump's answer, no, I was dealing with China, Russia and keeping our country safe. The New York Attorney General's lead lawyer then reminded him he was not president in twenty twenty one.

Honestly, I get why he's confused. I also get confused because it feels like he was president for a thousand years.

I can't.

I cannot even remember who was president before Trump, Like was it a Rutherford, B.

Hayes or something. I mean, of course Trump isn't focused.

He's got like seventeen other court cases he's dealing with. He probably doesn't even know what he was in court for. I bet he was on the stand, like is this the insurrection one or the mushroom Dick porn star one?

And by the way, if I had.

Donald Trump under oath, I wouldn't be wasting.

Time asking about financial statements.

This is my chance to find out the answers to every question I've had about him. Ever, is there a Milania clone? Is there a pee tape? If you had to do a Sophie's Choice with one of your adult sons, would it be both? You know, let's move on because, as you know, ever since war broke out in the Middle East, hate crimes have been on the rise here in America. Luckily, some of the people committing these hate crimes are not the brightest candles.

In the Minora, a.

Woman faces charges after confessing to a crash targeting the Indianapolis Jewish community. I am arrested Ruba Amagatha late Friday night, please say she drove into a building and told officer she thought it was an israel school and that she did it on purpose.

In fact, the building belongs to the Black Hebrew Israelites, which is designated by the Anti Defamation League as an anti Semitic hate.

Group that believes Jews are Satanic.

She meant to crash into a building full of Jews, but ended up crashing into a building full of people who hate Jews. Like what a meet cute coming soon?

The enemy of my enemy is my lover for real though.

Hate crimes are bad enough, but what makes this even worse is that she's perpetuating the stereotype that women are bad drivers. This woman's troubles are just beginning. Wait until she meets her public defender, Joel Rabinowitz.

Is he Jew?

And finally, let's move on to Washington, DC, where the new Speaker of the House just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson admitted he and his son used software to monitor if the other was watching porn.

County Ability partner right now is Jack my son?

Right?

And so he's seventeen? So he and I get a report of all the things that are on our phones or all of our devices. Once a week, if anything objectionable comes up, your accountability partner gets an immediate notice.

The Louisiana Republican installed accountability software called Covenant Eyes so that he and his seventeen year old son Jack would abstain from going to X rated internet sites. The website promotes itself as a way to help those with porn addictions.

Every superhero has the streams my weakness a superpowerful strength.

My weakness porn.

These Marvel movies are really running out of ideas. Why is he a superhero whose weakness is porn?

Like? What is that origin story?

Did his parents die masturbating to horny MILFs? Was he hit with a radioactive money shot? And if Mike Johnson doesn't want to encourage his son to masturbate, why did he name him Jack? I mean, you should meet his other kids, Tug and his daughter fingerblasts.

I've below that joke. I'm sorry.

There is no way this app is going to stop people from masturbating, especially seventeen year old boys. Seventeen year olds don't need porn, They can jerk off to anything. His dad must be like he really doesn't look at porn at all. He just spent all his day browsing and tailor loft. Seriously, don't use an app to find out if your son is masturbating. Just do it the old fashioned way. See if his sock shatters like an icicle. For more in this story, we go live to the

And who better Sarah to trust with your most private struggles than a random coworker you only talk to on television. Although to be clear, Sarah, we could be friends.

So Michael, back to the story.

Doesn't this revelation ruin Mike Johnson's reputation as a series.

Are you a Speaker of the House?

Not at all, Sarah.

In fact, Mike Johnson is the kind of guy you want holding the speaker's galvel. For one, he's got two free hands, we know that. And secondly, do you know how much you can accomplish when you're not wasting all your time massaging the pig snout. Plus, this gives him that pent up, mere bursting energy that says I'm a soft breeze away from exploding all over this carpet, which which is helpful in a negotiating room, especially if that

You're searching for that kind of thing.

No, no, no, no, no, this is funny. It's for Thanksgiving. I was actually looking up a recipe for cream pie. I'm sorry, inappropriate.

I should not be on my phone. Were talking about the Democrats.

No, I wasn't. Although that's a good point. This gives Joe Biden an opportunity to contrast himself from Mike Johnson. He could be the politician who's into porn. He already kind of has the look, you know, he's he's got the slick back hair, he drives a corvette. He's always squinting like he just saw something he likes. But he doesn't know why, you know, Sarah, if Biden can pull that off before Sorry, I'm buzzing again, Sarah.

What, No, it's not porn. It's not porn.

I'm in the process of moving and I need two guys to come and pack my box.

In horizontal mode.

Listen, let's talk about the security issue here. This website is monitoring everything Mike Johnson looks at that could include sensitive classified information.

Yeah, but but that's the price we pay for moral rectitude. Sure, Russia could hacken to Coven and Eyes and get access to our nuclear codes. But I sleep a little easier at night knowing Mike Johnson isn't seeing what's happening to our nation's step moms. Now, of course he could take security measures like oh God, hold on, Sarah, seriously.

Oh sorry, I was genuinely curious if I could play this game without coming in five seconds?

Could you?

Yes, Michael costs everybody with.

Mike jnsin, so don't go away.

Welcome back to the Daily Show.

Just before the break, we were talking about the new Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, and how he uses some weird app to share porn alerts with his son, which nobody knew about because before this guy became speaker, nobody knew.

Anything about him.

So if you're wondering if there's anything else you need to know about Mike Johnson. He's the subject of the newest Daily Show ography.

In the fall of twenty twenty three, Republicans in the United States House of Representatives were battling to choose a new leader. He would need to be crazy enough to win over the far right, but boring enough that he wouldn't spook the slightly less far right, and so the party settled on Mike Johnson. No wait, sorry, that's him. But who is Mike Johnson?

No?

Really, who the is he? Many people are asking who is Mike Johnson? Who is Mike Johnson exactly?

Senator Susan Collins said, quote, I was going to google him.

This morning, and after Susan Collins saw millions upon millions of images of dis she found this.

People are curious, what does Mike Johnson think about any issue under the sun? I said, well, go pick up a Bible off your jelf and read it. That's my world head, That's what I believed.

Jesus Christ the GOP had found the man so bland he'll put you to sleep, but so insane he might murder you in it. This is the Daily showography of Mike Johnson. Crazy boring. Long before America knew Mike Johnson as an alive man with a face and hair and body parts who was two heartbeats away from the presidency, he was just a boy who had a smaller face and hair and body parts. Growing up in Louisiana. In nineteen eighty four, when Johnson was twelve, his fireman father

Carventer of cant sexual erarchy that could do even the strongest.

If same sex marriage is allowed, Johnson wrote, there would be nothing to stop people from marrying their pets. Yes, God's blandest warrior fought to make sure a visit to the Pound didn't end with a trip to poundtown. It was around this time that Johnson hopped on board Noah's Arc, specifically a full sized replica built by a creationist museum to teach kids that the Earth is six thousand years

The Ark Encounter is one way to bring people to this recognition of the truth that what we read in the Bible are actual historical events.

In twenty sixteen, Johnson would take part in an actual historical event of his own. Getting elected to Congress. As a new congressman, Johnson signed a pledge to play nicely with the other representatives, even the godless perverts, and.

We've all committed to mutually respect one another, to to disagree in an agreeable manner.

It was another beautiful covenant marriage, and Johnson has been true to his word, maintaining a perfectly inoffensive civil demeanor as he championed Donald Trump's Muslim ban, shrugged off climate change as natural, and pushed for a nationwide Don't Say Gay law. One of Johnson's most notable bills would ban almost all abortions after six weeks, and not just to save the unborn babies, also to save social security.

Rob Wade gave constitutional cover to the elective killing of unborn children in America. If we had all those able bodied workers in the economy, we wouldn't be going upside down and toppling over like this.

Finally, somebody's thinking of the able bodied workers women should be being out against the rower. Then came the twenty twenty election. As the holder of an actual law degree, albeit from LSU, Johnson was uniquely qualified to craft the arguments that Donald Trump would use in his efforts to get the results overturned in court, which is how Johnson finally became interesting enough to earn a nickname.

Mega Mike Johnson, Maga Mike Johnson, Mega Mike Johnson.

I kind of liked that.

Yes, Mike Johnson finally had it all, a reputation as a lunatic among the people who knew him, but no reputation at all among anyone else. Shit did it again, And that's how crazy boring Mike Johnson achieved his hard won victory to become the least experienced house speaker in one hundred and forty years. You know, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

We call that.

Joel Madden been joining me on the should.

Welcome back to the Dailey Show.

My guest tonight is an artist an entrepreneur. You know him from the band Good Charlotte. He's also the host of Paramount plus reality competition series ink Master. Please welcome Joel Madam. I don't have a tattoo, but my sister Laura has many tattoos, and she convinced my dad many years ago to get a tattoo on his ass of my stepmother's name, Janice.

I love an ass tattoo.

He he loved showing it to people, and I had to be like, Dad, keep the front of your pants up.

Its well, what I have?

I have a quick montage of my dad being extremely stoic getting his tattoo.

Oh yeah, wants it it, It's done, Jesus.

Oh, I mean.

Best part of an ass tattoo? What the screaming getting it and then showing it?

Yeah?

Yeah, I mean I get it when people get the tattoos in places all of a sudden, like someone gets one like a tramp stamp and then they.

Have to wear half shirts for the rest of their lives. It's so on your.

Show, they're human canvases that the contest are using.

For these tattoos. That's what we call them.

Do you I mean as you assess it and criticize it, and like, do you feel bad talking shit about something that is going to be on someone's body forever?

Okay?

So all everyone who has ever gotten more than one tattoo has gotten a bad tattoo, Yes for sure. So part of you feels like it's to write a passage for them to get their bad tattoo. But okay, but it part of the competition. No, one's getting a terrible tattoo on ning Master. All the tattoo artists are great, but we are trying to to It's like splitting hair sometimes, but we do have to find what's wrong with the tattoos to get people off the competition, so we have

Well they're not.

Okay, okay, I have a screenshot of the You're like, this is a piece of ship.

You've ruined this person's.

Yes, yes, yes, it's the best part and the worst part.

I was talking to you before, and I don't have a tattoo, but I would like to get one. But I wanted to, like all right, I wanted to, you know, have meaning or represent something I love. But I was like, I don't love anything, like I guess like I like TV and I like long one single rose.

That was a joke. Roses are great.

I have a great idea. So you get everyone in the audience to write their name down.

I'm loving you.

Put it in a hat. I put it in a hat.

Put it put all the names in a hat. Huh.

Draw a name from the hat and then get a tattooed on your neck. It will yes, Sarah, Yes, Sarah, It will make their life forever. First of all, the press alone that would come off of that, and then you know you have a connection with this person that you you know, in this wonderful city in New York. Someone in New York walking around saying, you know, Sarah has my name tattooed on her?

Is Sharon b Envenue full name, full name, full name.

Absolutely what tattoos have you seen that We're either terrible amazing.

I will tell you one tattoo.

I only heard tell of it, but it's the greatest tattoo I've ever heard of.

And I feel like it's timeless. Pray tell it's mister.

Spock, uh, you know from Star Trek love him and he's thinking Leonard Nimoy as mister Spock and he's thinking and then there's thought bubbles, and then what he's thinking of is himself with a mustache.

I would never be sick of that. I feel like that's timeless.

We call those ironic tattoos.

Oh yeah, that's like the mustache here you go, or like.

Fun tattooed on your knee funny.

Yeah, don't too music. I have a bad tattoo. Oh what is it?

It's a dragon on my leg that looks like a seahorse.

Did you want it to look like a sea horse?

No?

I got it in the basement when I was seventeen or eighteen, and it was the guy's first or second time tattooing.

Wow.

Yeah, I bet you made his day, like I'm going to make one of their day.

That guy was.

Famous and I ruined his leg. His name was Dragon Seahorse.

Hey, listen, you just played with good Charlotte for the first time in five years.

How was it? Getting back up there?

Was great?

Thank you, It was fantastic. We had a great time. We haven't played in five years, except we did play my little sister in law's wedding, which was really our first show in five years. But we only did four songs there or five songs. But we played it when we were young in Vegas. Yes, lull Wayne came out, Wezy came out, played it, did a couple songs with us.

It was awesome sing some tight harms with you. Yeah, you had your hit song twenty two years ago.

Life styles of the rich and Famous just like the Robin Lee Show.

Just like the show.

I mean, if you were to do that to like if you, if you in two thousand and two, yes, saw you now in twenty twenty three.

Do you think you would be an element in that song?

Yes, I would say, well the song was less of a critique and more of a maybe a manifestation.

Oh, there's so with you there.

I don't know if I walk around and think of myself as rich and famous, right, but you know there's some irony there.

Yeah, all right.

Let's talk about Beeps, which I'm very interested in. You co founded veeps, which is a streaming service where people can see president I'm kidding you say vice presidents. Oh yeah, don't do better jokes to me.

I actually, this is this is We've been working on this for seven years. It's a streaming platform for live concerts. And we just launched comedy. So where we feel like there's a place for comedy when you can't get the big special you know, on Netflix or wherever, we feel like there's a big hole for comedians to develop their specials and to you know, make their way up to the top of the comedy game.

Oh that's so exciting. I know so many people that would be amazing. Yeah, well you should send them over.

I will.

Yeah, And it's definitely it's a great platform too. For the future of live music is absolutely people watch sports. They expect to be able to watch whatever the game they want. People want to see from every tour that goes out, tickets sell out. We all know how that goes more and more. There needs to be a place for concerts and for bands to build their live audiences, and so live streaming is important to us and being a musician. We started it for the musicians.

Hot shit.

These guys a new seasoning Masters Streaming now exclusively on Paramount Class. We're going to take a quick break.

That's a show for tonight.

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