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There's been a lot of sports news recently, so for some thoughtful, nuanced debate, we turn to Sports War.
You're ready for better?
It's time for brought you by Camp. It's been really free money.
What's up scrubs?
I'm Ronny Chat and I'm Jordan Klepper.
This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.
That's right, I mean that's that's wrong.
Yeah, no, you're wrong. Let's get right to the biggest story of the night.
Caitlin Clark made her pro debut and learned everything gets a little less fun after college.
Welcome to the WNBA.
Caitlin Clark, the NCAA's all time Division one scoring leader, made her professional debut on the road with the Indiana Fever last night. She got off to a slow start, though, missing her first four shots before scoring on a layup midway through the second quarter. Clark finished with twenty points in the Fevers ninety two to seventy one loss to the Connecticut Sun. She also committed ten turnovers.
Sorry feminists, ten turnovers and a team lost by twenty points in her first game. I've seen enough, man, I think Caitlyn Clock is the worst basketball player in history. She's tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when it mattered. She's the Jordan Klepper of the WNBA.
Right, Ran Iron, I'm gonna hit you with my car and leave the scene. Let's look at the stats here, Roddie. Look at these things. She scored twenty points. That's four more than Michael Jordan had in his rookie debut, which mathematically makes her stronger, fast, and better equipped to open a steakhouse than Michael Jordan.
All about.
I have a stat right here for you.
Okay, look at this.
Jordan Klepper did it lose his virginity until he's thirty eight?
Man, you're the go to whatever that is. Okay, here's your stat right here each ship.
Okay, moving on, we are officially seventy two days away from the Olympics. In Paris, and the organizers are finding themselves in deep duty.
Literally, there's a huge effort to get the river ten fit for use in the Olympic Games. A report from earlier this month of the bacteria, including pollution of fecal origin, was far higher than the river permitted. Experts say that even a rainstorm could raise ecali to an unacceptable level, and Olympic organizers still hope that the River Sen can be used for the swimming events.
Ooh, the river Save is filled with E coli. That is gross.
These athletes are going to pick up a disease at the Olympics. It should be the old fashioned way acted sex in the Olympic village, the only way to do it, the only way to do usual.
Jordan, I think the Olympics needs more E coli okay, because if you're a world class athlete, then prove it by pole vaulting with active diarrhea.
Oh you love you love you love eco. I love Ronnie, you love it.
You look the last time I came to your house for a barbecue, you were sprinkling E coli on chicken kebab like saltpe You know your hospatiality was for The Birds, Roddy, the Birds.
Two Stars. I was puking all night.
Yeah, well I pew from just looking at your oblom face.
Oblom face?
Is that right?
Is that how you say it?
The point is just like the fourth of July at Rodney's house, The Olympics are going to be rife with e coli, which brings us to j Clep's Bet of the Week, where you could pick which country will get the most E coli in the twenty twenty bar Olympics, brought to you by gambling.
Gambling, start spending. You've already won.
Nah, don't forget to clean your twenty percent bonusos by joing the promo code.
Clipper sucks all cats. I don't like that. I told you I don't like that cut.
It's not you, it's a different clinic.
Okay, that's fine, then that's how No, just kidding? Is you? Because you saw you? Okay? I suck you blow? Who cares? We're all dead inside? Get over it. Let's talk about sports, all right.
Speaking of sports, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs is in hot water after making the biggest mistake any football player could make talking.
Some Chiefs fans are feeling stunned this morning by the comments made by Kicker, Harris, and Bucker during the commencement speech at Benedictine and Adjison.
Butcker claimed that a woman's most important role is that of a homemaker and demanded that men be more masculine.
Be unapologetic in your masculinity, fighting against the cultural emasculation of men.
Hey, I say we should listen to this kicker. Okay, yeah, they're the football players with the least amount of brain damage, and I'm glad he's speaking up for emasculated men like Jordan. Congratulations Jordan, for the first time in your life, someone on a football team is speaking to you. You don't have to wear that fake vosity jacket anymore, you Ronnie, I.
Told you that in confidence, moving to a new cool is difficult. It was a natural way to make friends.
Anyway, This kicker thing, this kicker thing, raises a larger problem. Why do we have people kicking in American sports? Americans handle balls with our hands like Ronnie's mom.
You know she does strong, Jordan.
You know my entire family has a foot fetish, true, which brings us to all bet everything wage of the evening, which useless position player will be the next to wade into the culture war as always brought to you by gambling. Gambling, it will fix everything.
Oh, speaking of gambling, let's move on to our final story.
Prosecutors in Los Angeles, a Showy Otani's former interpreter has agreed to plead guilty to stealing almost seventeen million dollars from the La Dodger Superstar. The US Attorney's office say Epe Masuara used the money to pay off gambling debts and other personal expenses without Otani's knowledge.
This interpreter stole seventeen million dollars on more time.
That settles it.
Interpreters should be outlawed. Okay, if you don't know the language, you should just have to.
Guess hard disagree, hard, disagree, Roddy.
The problem is in interpreters. It's languages. We should only have one. I suggest English.
Oh, big surprise, of course, this is just English. That's only language your tiny brain can handle. The biggest head, the smallest.
Brain, or English.
English is going to be the dominant global language for at least five more years. Look, I'm speaking the major league language here. Why would I go back to Triple A and learn Finnish Finish.
That'sn't even a real language, you dumbasted.
It is what they speak Againada, Roddie, read a book, all right, but do it on your own time, because we are onto the big bet of the nights.
Is this o.
Tani story yet another sign that America's normalization of gambling. It's corroding society, brought to you by gambling. Remember gambling bet now live forever. Well, we're out of time. Joined us next time on Sports War, we'll be debating Michael Jordan versus Caitlin Clark who's more likely to contract E coli.
And not America Gamblack.
W back in the Daily Show.
When a news story falls for the Cracks, Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call back in Black.
Cars used to be a way to let people know you were cool, or, in the case of your friend's dad, to let people know you were having a midlife crisis. And in recent years, one of the coolest cars you could buy was the Tesla. Not only was it a status symbol.
But it was electric.
It was like a compost bin that you could drink and drive in. For a while, Tesla's stock price was skyrocketing, but now it's sliding down like half of Mitch McConnell's face.
Are in and Tesla has fallen short of expectations. Elon Musk's electric vehicle company releasing its first quarter earnings, showing its biggest revenue drop in over a decade in the first three months of the year, Carsel's dropping eight and a half percent, adding to a plummeting stock price that so far this year has gone down over forty percent.
Holy shit, down forty percent. The only thing worthless than Tesla stock is a fully grown adult at p Didty's house.
Stop it.
That's the least of the problems.
But don't worry, Tesla owner Elon Musk is a perfectly reasonable, dumbest explanation for this.
We should be thought of as an AI robotics company.
If your value tells as just like an order company, you just have to fundamentally the framework.
Sorry, Elon, my mistake. All this time, I thought your company that sold cars was a car company.
God, one of us must be.
A real idiot.
So Tesla's clearly in the shitter, and the thing that was supposed to save it was the cyber truck, a vehicle that looks like what happens when you inbreed Deloreans. But unfortunately the truck appears to be cyber.
Tesla, recalling its entire fleet of cyber trucks nearly four thousand and all, the company says the accelerator pedal could get stuck, causing to pick up to unintentionally speed up, risking a craft.
Well remember, it's not a car crash, it's an AI crash. Open your mind, man, Seriously. Though you recalled all of them, none were okay. Even with the ball old winds. They made one good one. I'm not gonna say which one. I don't want to get shot.
And this is just the.
And this is just the latest problem with robocops wagon, because that thing's been shit in the bed since day one.
We've gotten a lot of tails of malfunction.
So, for example, vehicles dying after traveling just one mile.
The steamless steel vehicles are quickly showing signs of rust. One guy sharing how the drive through car wash was two marks for the Tesla cyber truck.
He does know what happened, but says the owner's manual does say you should never wash your car in sunlight.
A Tesla cyber truck had to be rescued by a Ford pickup after the tesla got stuck in the mud and snow on a road in the Sierra south of Lake Tahoe.
Oh fancy, cyber truck had to get rescued by the big tough Ford. You are the laughing stock of all the other trucks. That Ford pickup's probably banging your wife right now, you cybercuck. Plus, what use is a truck if it can't all throw That's like.
A sex doll with no holes.
Now, I just seem weird having it on my couch. And this car is just failing its owners. It's trying to eat them.
Cybertruck users are reporting injuries from the automatic trunk.
Everybody's been waiting for this, the finger without further ado, we're closing the cyber truck. I'm gonna put my finger flat right here and see what happens.
Ready, re ready?
Oh okay, Oh my god, okay.
I can't even move my finger right now. I might have actually broken it.
Good good, because I'm team cybertruck on this one.
You morons had it coming.
Do us all a favor, save us from another generation of cyber truck drivers. Stick your balls in there too.
Luckily I still have all.
My fingers so I can deliver this message to Elon on behalf of Best the Stop Album. Unlike unlike AI, this is pretty straightforward, So is this one.
Jordan blods Black Everybody.
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