Romney Retirement: The Mitt Romney Files

You're listening to Comedy Central.

Right before Mitt Romney's acceptance speech, conventioneers are going to, as always be exposed, I mean treated to a brief biographical film about the nominee.

Now you may not have seen it.

Luckily we have received in advanced copy of said film, and as a public service, we would like to show you Mitt Romney's biographical film shown at the convention.

This year. The American people face a choice between a self made business mountain.

I know how extraordinarily difficult it is to build something from nothing.

And a radical collectivist who says things like.

If you've got a business that you didn't build that, and I was not born in this country and I.

Am a leader of al Qaida. This is a story of Mitt Romney, a human being who built out. George W. Romney was a wealth auto executive and future Michigan governor,

Boncheur jam Miss Romney.

Backstate side, the handsome, connected young man lucked the odds gaining admission to Harvard, refusing on principle to pay for school with taxpayer money, but instead with his own hard earned stock given to him by a local businessman. Her name was Anne Davies, and the moment Mitt saw her, he knew he was totally going to build. That she

I'm someone who is moderate and that my views are progressive.

I will preserve and protect a woman's right to choose. We also should keep weapons of unusual lethality from being on the street.

He had built himself the wrong way. It would take a monumental feat of self reconstruction seven years.

I'm firmly pro life.

One hundred and twenty two billion dollars.

I don't happen to believe that America needs new gun laws, round.

The clock operations across fourteen time zones.

Until finally I was a severely conservative Republican governor.

Romney had done it. Oh by self, Nick Rumneyitch, Oh my self, Nick Romney. He's a human being, and he built batch.

As you've just seen earlier.

Last night, Mitt Romney won big in Florida, cementing his front runner status and today is onto the morning shows for a quick little victory lap.

By the way, I'm in this race because I care about Americans. I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it's needs a repair, I'll fix it. I'm not concerned about the very rich. They're doing just fine.

That got that got.

Zechab got? Did you just suggest that you don't need to care about the very rich because they're fine, but also equivalently the very poor because they're okay too, Because you know, the reason the net is.

There is there not okay.

It's it's like a doctor going you know, I'm not concerned about the very healthy because they're doing fun or the very sick because you know morphine.

You know what I'm saying. But you know, maybe I heard it wrong. I could I heard it wrong?

You know, obviously, do that sound weird to anybody else? You just said I'm not concerned about the very poor because they have a safety net, and I think there are lots of very poor Americans who are struggling who would say that sounds odd? Can you explain that TV newsperson just heard what candidate said and then.

Stopped him and made him splain himself.

By like a flower blooming in the desert. Quick, someone dig that up and get it away from CNN before one of their giant holographic monitors falls and crushes it.

Well, you had to finish the sentence, say Solodad. I said, I'm not concerned about the very poor that have a safety in it. But if it has holes in it, I will repair them.

Right, But it's still a net. And here's the thing about being in a net. Being in a net is bad.

Whether you're a butterfly or a fish, or a Trappeese artist or a poor person. If you're in a net, something has gone terribly, terribly wrong. Well, you know what, I'm sure Romnie gets a chance to clarify his statements, he'll in no way reinforce his aristocratic, patrician master of the universe ishness.

The challenge.

Right now, we will hear for the Demo Democrat Party the plight of the poor. And there's no question it's not good being poor.

And they've got to play tennis on public courts, ride rental ponies when their butler's tucked them inute night. I can only imagine the thread count on their Linens. My point is we don't need to be concerned about it. For more on Mitt Romney's apparent conflation of the very rich and very poor as constituencies on Needing of attention, we're joined by Jason Jones and John Oliver.

Alright, we're gonna.

Start here, Team very Poor. We're gonna start with you. Oh oh nice, try there, Stewart.

Okay, well, we're not gonna play your little class warfare experiment.

Yeah, We're not gonna let you divide us.

I'm not trying to divide you.

But you both represent the two most extreme socioeconomic groups in this country.

No, don't try to pit the one percent against the equivalent one percent.

Actually, I think your numbers might be off. It's your one percent, but this is actually larger. Very poor is like seven percent, poverty is like fifteen.

No, no, no, where exactly the same.

We're two peas in a pod bugs in my bed. I say potato, and I say, do you actually have a potito? Because I could eat the hell out of a potito right now. I am massively hungry.

So both of you are okay with Governor Romney saying that each of these constituties can be ignored because they're doing Okay.

Absolutely yes, I mean I could take all my massive real estate holdings and defer the taxes through ten thirty one exchanges and minimize my IRS exposure through my Cayman Island subsidiaries and an almost sarcastic amount of trusts.

So I don't worry about me. I'm John Well.

I received twelve dollars per day from the government, so no worries about me. Pretty comfortable safety.

Nets, twinsies. You know what's funny is I have a net too, that's more like a golden parachute.

Well, same, I gear.

Sorry, our life experiences are incredibly similar.

We both love to fish, that's true.

Last week I went fishing form marlin down in Key West.

Yeah, and just yesterday I was under a bridge in the East River trying to augment my protein intake. I caught a boot and a used condoms delicious.

Uh.

Well.

We both like baseball, yes, coach sports.

We both love modern family.

Yeah, who doesn't, and we're taxed at the same rate.

Yep, Wait, what how is that possible?

You have no idea how much money it costs to get that kind of stuff through.

He is right there, to be fair, right, but you see no difference, then in your circumstance, you don't.

See You can't divide us with your class warfare.

Start.

I am Rich.

And I am Paul.

When we go home, we both walk through front doors. Mine is solid, mahgony, I don't really have a door.

It's true, it's a beaded curtain.

I am Paul and I am rich ChIL like Pogra.

I don't know walthtis.

So please don't be concerned about us.

Because we're both.

Except for me, I'm not okay.

Okay, Let's begin to night with the presidency. I think if there's one thing everyone can agree on in the entire country, it's that Barack Obama is.

The worst president we've had in my lifetime.

He's the worst president, the absolute worst president, the worst president in history exactly. Barack Obama is objectively, arithmetically the worst president in history.

And that includes our.

Thirtieth president, Calvin Coolio. Remember then, when America had descended into a bit of a gangster's paradise. Anyway, Obama's places the worst president history explains why he is getting so crushed. President Obama is leading Romney nationally by five points among likely voters.

With support crushed with support.

Well, Romney's inability to trounce history's worst president was all scheduled to change this week with a very announced campaign reboot, which, as you know, involves mister Romney taking a paper clip and putting it into a a whole.

I don't want to talk about.

It brings back memories of when I used to have to reboot rough men at the Genius bar Hi. Unfortunately, Rodney's reboot was thrown off just a tad.

There are of the people who have vold for the president who are tatters van bar who believe that that they're victims, who believe that they are entitled to healthcare, to move the.

House, entitled to food, Magicine.

Rooves.

That's the Republican candidate for the presidency, seemingly characterizing a broad swath of Americans, which would include veterans, the elderly, the working poor, and much of the middle class, as a bunch of lazy free loaders. It touched off a firestorm everywhere, but nowhere more acutely than at romney campaign headquarters, where it triggered something I like to call chaos on Bullshit Mountain. That said exploding bullshit dust you've all heard so much about.

In the forty eight hours.

It's the Romney video first gained wide exposure. Turd containment crews have been working overtime on Bullshit Mountain.

Keep in mind it was posted by a left wing website, mother Mother Jones.

By the way, put this tape.

Out Mother Jones, the magazine No One.

Reads Earn word the Jimmy Carter's grandson might have played an instrumental role in getting this video.

Oh my god, your campaign got blown up by Jimmy Carter's grandson.

Oh the habitat for humanity.

So word one from Bullshit Mountain is well, yeah, he said it, but you only found out about it because if people that we don't like.

What's word two?

With the way he said it, it was not the best way of saying something like this, and it was he confused a lot of things.

He messed up in.

That it's not the great, the most ideal language to be eavesdropped on.

I think criticizing them was saying that the American dreams should be open to everybody.

You're looking and hearing the cynical, condescending, plutocratic words he was saying, not the aspirational, optimistic message he in retrospect should have been meaning.

It's like Romney jazz. It's the words you don't hear.

That's the so in artful words from a dubious source. This is really just inartful words from a dubious source.

Oh and one other thing, this is factually accurate what Romney is saying.

If I'm Govin Romney, I run with this all day long.

It was the truth.

He's a boss who says the truth, but the truth often hurts.

I think this will be seen as a win for Romney.

Let me, let me, let me sum up the message from Bullshit Mountain if I may. This inartfully stated dirty liberal smear is a truthful expression of Mitt Romney's political philosoph and it is a winner.

Let me tell you something.

You don't summit bullshit Mountain unless you know your way around to turn or two.

House. You know.

Last night, the presidential campaign headed to Hofstra University, where the candidates debated before a diverse town hall crowd of Long Islanders, ranging from Italian guys, two other Italian guys, to a Jewish guy and his mom. Such diversity in Long Island. The first question somehow ended up on the auto industry rescue.

And I know he keeps saying you wanted to take Detroit bankrupt. Well, the President took Detroit bankrupt, you took General Motors bankrupts, you took christ for bankrupt. That was precisely what I recommended and ultimately what happened.

Okay, In fact, Obama's publicly financed Detroit auto industry managed bankrupcy is not precisely what Romney recommended. Romney precisely recommended private credit, which at the time was to be precise non existent, meaning unders planning towards bankruptcy would have been unmanaged and quite permanent. So the big question would be which version of Barack Obama would respond the first debates Sleepy Time McGillicuddy or pretty.

Talk Jones Candy.

What Governor Romney said just isn't true.

It's a love It's yes.

President Barack Obama decided to attend this debate and the two candidates could finally have a truthful, substantive discussion about how much.

They hate each other.

Governor, we have actually produced more oil.

No, no, how much did you cut licenses at permits on feed land in federal waters, we could actually make production and production on private on government is down. Production on government land of oil is down fourteen percent and production just nine percent.

You'll get your chance in a moment.

I'm still speaking, And the answer is, I don't believe people think that's the case, because that wasn't a question.

I believe you meant to add mother.

Wasn't the.

Romney was shar said that the Eve Andrew Blooders.

He said that by now we'd have unemployment at five point four percent. The difference between where it is in five point four percent is nine million Americans without work.

That's going to leave the mark.

But for every point Rodney made, the President made more.

Governor Romney was poor an assault weapons ban before he was against it. Governor Romney doesn't have a five point plan.

He has a one point plan.

The math doesn't add up. I don't look at my pension. It's not as big as yours. Governor, you're the last person who's gonna get tough on China.

The last person who's gonna get tough on Jia is that guy Romney.

I mean, for God's sakes.

Romney was assembled at Apple's Fox confactory in Beijing. I mean, that's why he's so well desired.

Romney.

Also, Rommy had some other issues.

I don't believe that beacrats in Washington should tell someone whether they can use contraceptors or not.

Yeah, you should tell that to your disembodied voice that supported the Blunt Amendment, which does limit choice.

And of course I support the Blunt Amendment. I bet you're talking about some state law that prevented people from getting contraceptions. So I talked about contraceptors and so forth. So I already miss understod the question.

Yeah, by the way, for those of you, let's say in your dorm rooms right now, filling a large tube with water or carving an apple whose ears may have perked up at the mention of a Blunt Amendment, it has nothing to do with that.

And Romney had some odd moments.

Like when describing his efforts as governor to recruit more women for cabinet positions.

I went to a number of women's groups and said, can you help us find folks? And they brought us all binders full of women.

A couple of things.

Well, and the women's group was called mask Gap, and they approached Governor Romney, not the other way around.

And two, my guess is they did not refer to.

What they presented as whole binders full of women, but perhaps referred to it as a well organized collection of qualified resumes. But hey, binder of women, book Abroad's note book of nipples.

Whatever, whatever, But of course meant Romney. They still had an ace in the whole.

The Obama administration is confused handling at the consul of attack in Libya killed four Americans.

It was a terrorist attack, and it took a long time for that to be told to the American people. Whether there was some misleading or instead whether we just didn't know what happened. I think you have to ask yourself why didn't we know? Five days later, when the Ambassador to the United Nations went on TV to say that this was a demonstration, how could we have not known?

Boom, mister President, you just walked into a midstorm.

The day after the attack, Governor I stood in the Rose Garden and I told the American people in the world that we were going to find out exactly what happened, that this was an act of terror. And I also said that we're going to hunt down those who committed this.

Crime forceful remind people that killing terrorists is kind of your thing, but still does not fully explain the colossal, confusion fueled cups that were ben Ghazi. As long as Romney doesn't inexplicably walk into some weird, nitpicky semantic trap that hadn't even really been set.

I think it's interesting the President just said something, which is that on the day after the attack, he went the Rose Garden and said that this was an active terror.

Oh boy, that's what I said.

You said in the Rose Garden the day after the attack. It was an active terror. It was not a spontaneous demonstration. Is that what you're saying.

Please perceive government.

As your first clue.

When you feel you're about to spring what you Governor Romney think is the checkmate moment of the debate, and your debate opponent says to you, please.

Perceive hold on, are you trying to open that door?

Allow me to open it, the door that you appear to want to walk through.

But when your opponent does that, you might want to take a breath and wonder if I'll Wiley Coyote and the road runner. That door your opponent is pointing to is merely paint on a rock.

He's perceived government.

I want to make sure we get that for the record, because it took the president fourteen days before he called the attack in Benghazzi an active terror.

Get the transfer he did, in fact, sir, so let me let me call it an actor.

He did call it an active terror.

It did as well.

Can you say it a little louder?

Can it?

Can you say it a little aloud?

It?

Now just the ladies? Can the ladies say it? Can I get a please?

Governor Romney approceed. It was that kind of night for Romney. The evidence of Obama's victory and resurgence was everywhere post debate. MSNBC no longer seemed suicidal, CNN of course, looked to be shooting a virtual dick in a box video.

And of course Fox News well.

And the questions, because there were eleven of them, six were clearly pro Obama.

They were softballs topics that we haven't heard much about.

Three extra minutes for Obama. Moderators in these debates should be part of the furniture.

Did she assist to the president.

Midsentence to fact check them through the president of Lifeline.

It's the worst debate moderation. What the heck is that about?

No, No, no, don't help them.

Just let them cry themselves to sleep. It's the only way they'll learn.

In the immediate aftermath of Ruth Betaginsbug's death, Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority leader and failed attempt at baking bread, has announced that he would allow President Trump to nominate her replacements, even though he had blocked Barack Obama from appointing Merrick

Senator Mitt Romney coming forward in the last ninety minutes to say that he will vote in a statement saying quote, I intend to follow the constitution and precedent in considering the President's nominee. If the nominee reaches the Senate floor, I intend to vote based upon their qualifications.

Yes, my friends, even Mitt Romney, the dad you ask when you are other Republican dad say no, is going along with Mitch McConnell's plan. And I know some people were holding out hope that he would refuse to help the Republicans push through before the election. But for some reason, peop always forget that Mitt Romney is still a conservative

Never in doubt.

Don't boot vote impeachments. It was known like everyone knew where this was going. This was like a movie where you can guess what was gonna happen without even watching it, you know, like Titanic. Okay, it's a ship that's gonna sink or Sophie's choice. Some lady has to decide which dude she's gonna bone. I get it, I get it, so with outcome, never in doubts. The only real drama today was whether any Republicans would dare vote against Donald Trump.

Republicans.

Senator bit Romney emotionally announced on the Senate floor that he will break ranks and vote to convict and remove President Trump.

The president asked a foreign government to investigate his political rival. The President's purpose was personal and political. Accordingly, the President is guilty of an appalling abuse of public trust. With my vote, I will tell my children and their children that I did my duty to the best of my ability, believing that my expected it of me.

That is shocking.

That is.

Shocking.

Who would have thought that the most badass Republican in the Senate would end up being a Mormon dude named Mitz.

And I gotta say, Mitz, you proved everyone wrong.

The haters said you were as radical as a glass of skim milk, but they were wrong. Mit your whole milk, my man. That's why whole milk fan. And by the way, I like how Mit said that he voted this ray so that he could tell his children he did the right thing, because that's such a white people thing to say, right. No, white people love explaining themselves to their children. I couldn't look my son in the eye if I didn't do the right thing. Black parents don't give a shit like black parents are.

Just like, boy, you better not look me in the eye.

I made you.

I'm gonna do whatever I'm gonna do.

Last night was the State of the Union, Washington, DC's biggest non org event of the year, and I'm going to be honest, I have never watched the State of the Union before because I have a life, so I wasn't looking forward to it. But I'm glad I tuned in because it wasn't nearly as boring as I thought.

It would be.

In fact, it's apparently got a bit of a UFC slash Junior high cafeteria vibe. Now, even before the speech started, things started getting rowdy.

There were some tense moments that last night.

Stated the Union Address, cameras captured a heated exchange between battled Congressman George Santos and Senator Mitt Romney.

One lip reader posted this account of how the exchange went down.

You who ought to be embarrassed? Yeash? Sure?

Who ought to be embarrassed?

Student?

I'm well, he are you?

You ought to be embarrassed?

That's your opinion.

I would like to go on the record tonight and say that I am sexually attracted to Mitt Romney. It's not the first time, and it won't be the last time. I don't even care that he's a Republican or a Mormon. In fact, since he's a Mormon, he'll be open to another wife. And if not, he's a Republican, so he'll be open to having an affair problem. Solid And yeah, what Rodney said doesn't sound too harsh, But remember it's

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show.

Wherever you get your podcast.

Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten.

Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmouth Blocks. This has been a Comedy Central podcast now