Recapping Trump's Second First 100 Days - Part 1

You're listening to Comedy Central. Donald J.

Trump, the forty fifth President of the United States, a man who's licentious and felonious behavior has been well cataloged and documented, returned to the Capitol of Rotunda just four short years after inspiring in that very place a day of riotous, shick free.

Shit fury. Return to the exact same room.

Now, generally, if this were a dateline documentary, he would return to that room to express a form of repentance in maturity and acknowledgment of pain that had been wrought on that terrible day.

But in this show that we're filming now, it's to.

Be sworn in as the forty seventh President of the United States, And as with most, returning to the scene of the crime.

It began with tea with the people you tried to steal it from.

A short time ago.

President Joe Biden greeted mister and Missus Trump at the White House for tea and inaugural tradition.

It's always important to keep up the tea tradition when you hand over the keys to I'm sorry, what did you call them, hitler, but gotta be a good host, and the WiFi password his White House, but I change the eye to a one.

I hope that's not weird.

I'm not saying Biden should have done his own insurrection, but there's got to be a happy medium between storming the Capitol and.

Would you like a crumpet?

Then it was time for the swearing in on the kind of on the Bible. Yes, it turns out Trump didn't actually put his hand on the Bible, obviously because one or the other would burst into flames.

Perhaps both.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, the torch has been passed from Biden to Trump. Yes, the torch has been passed to the same generation of Americans. Let's hear from the forty seventh president, fresh off the warm embrace of a tea ceremony with his predecessor.

My recent election is a mandate to completely and totally reverse a horrible betrayal and all of these many betrayals that have taken place.

He's right behind you. Luckily, I don't think he can hear you.

Yes, The inaugural speech followed the American tradition of a passive aggressive transfer of power. The incoming president gets the completely shit on the outgoing president in front of that president and hopefully his spouse.

In recent years, our nation has suffered greatly record inflation trying to socially engineered race and gender disastrous invasion of our country is a radical and corrupt establishment, vicious, violent, and unfair weaponization. From this moment on, America's dickline is over.

This is a tumultuous time in American history, filled with much uncertainty interrepidation. But it is very difficult for me to not in any way take the bait of the way he said dickline. It really did sound like he said, our dickline, like the line of our dick.

So you can see America's dickline.

I mean, how are you going to end our dickline with a tuck or a full reassignment? Or is this more about Fetterman's shorts? What about our dickline? I am a child child, But as bad as things were, guess what, folks, Daddy's home, It's about to get a whole lot better.

The Golden Age of America begins right now. From this day forward, our country will flourish. The American dream will soon be back and thriving like never before.

We will win like never before.

We will be a.

Rich nation again.

We will bring prices down, fill our strategic reserves up again. We will drill, baby drill.

I think I just saw JD Vance's dickline.

Drill baby drill. Who.

But for all the day's eerie energy, one thing stood out to America's watchdogs of democracy.

We have watched as the forty seventh president of the United States has been sworn in a cornerstone of democracy.

This is the true transfer of power here of the current president and the former president making this walk.

This process is what distinguishes the United States from a lot of other parts of the world.

Yeah, it's all just normal shit, It's just another day. It's all just normal transfer powershit. We're just going to play along, like all this theater is normal. Oh, except there was one thing that might have given the game away.

For just twenty minutes or so left in his presidency.

We've just gotten word from President Biden that he is pardoning his brothers, wives, his sister, other family members.

He says that he is doing this.

Because baseless and politically motivated investigations Greek havoc on the lives of individuals.

It's all just normal.

First of all, Biden you're at the inauguration, did you auto schedule your pardons? And second of all, what the fuck, man, You're just pardoning your whole family. It's not a great look yet, like any good captain, as the ship is going down, Biden gave the order.

That life vot is from my family.

The rest of you can do just like a kind of Jack and Rose thing.

One on one off, fifty to fifty shot. Who gives a shit? Biden outy.

So the takeaway of this entire day was a man who tried to overthrow the government has been peacefully handed the reins of power, and the outcome going president has started a new tradition of blanket pardoning everyone in his orbit, the two men creating a magnificent snake sucking its own dick cycle of no accountability. And then, of course we end with the grand finale, the attack on Greenland has been gone.

Yesterday.

That dude signed over one hundred executive actions. I mean, look at them. He froze the federal hiring bills, something about genders. Yeah, he said, Cuba's a state sponsored terrorists. Now he renamed a mountain dishwashers are less efficient. Well, you can do that, look, yeah, so many executive actions. They had to like scroll through the tracks like it was an ad for But now that's what I call maga. And being the show man that he was, Trump wasn't going to sign these behind the desk of a pen

Capitol One Arena in front of a crowd of supporters, Trump putting into motion his d one actions.

After President Trump signed the executive orders at a desk that was placed on stage, he had a pile of pins.

Well, President Trump decided to toss.

The pins to some of his supporters. Wow, whoever caught that pen is so lucky. I mean, that is going to be such a cool thing for those guys to show their kids once they get their visitation rights back. And even after even after he got back to the White House, he just kept signing. I mean this this guy was so in the zone. He didn't even know what you were signing.

Was withdrawing from the World Health Organizations?

Ooh ooh, he's withdrawing from the World Health Organization.

Like he's hearing the dessert options. No, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll have the terremisue and potential miasles outbreak with that, you know, I mean, if you could put anything in front of him yesterday, he would have signed it.

Milania.

Now it's a chance to optate the prenup.

Go go, go go.

But you know, but you know what, I'm not gonna be shitting on President Trump. Okay, Okay, sure he pulled out of the Who who are those guys?

What?

What are the odds that's ever going to be a pandemic requiring global cooperation? So I'm going to go to President Trump if an open mind. You know, he won the election, which means he's a great guy. Who's right, So I'm sure his executive orders are reasonable.

Trump pulled the US out of the Paris Climate Accords.

Okay, Okay, look he I know that sounds bad for these woke liberals, like does it really matter you know one year in next year, one out that would have been doing the hokey pokey for these guys, like twelve years. They didn't even put us in a group chat anymore.

Okay.

Also, newsflash Paris acquote, Yo, we're not going to reach the mission goals anyway. Okay, this world is over. It's such an excuse to go to Paris, which overrated. Okay, so fine, he's taking us out of anything that involves the rest of the world. Okay, I'm sure there's other executive orders that aren't any worse.

Among the many executive orders President Trump signed on Monday was this one pausing the TikTok band for seventy five days. He says the United States should broker a deal to own half of the platform.

I think the.

US should be entitled to get half of TikTok. And congratulations TikTok as a good partner.

Say yo.

He brought back TikTok just as my brain was regaining its higher order functions. I mean, oh my god, that was close.

Now.

If you remember, TikTok was originally banned because everyone thinks it gives China too much influence over Americans. And to be fair, before I started using TikTok, I was a white guy from Iowa. Okay, But the point, the point is the people have spoken, Okay, we want China to change our brains. What absolute idiot even thought of banning it in the first place.

We're looking at TikTok.

We may be banning TikTok.

Okay, yeah, thank you President Trump for saving us from that guy. What I'm saying is all these executive orders on bad Okay, I mean, what else is he doing?

And Trump is going to try It's an executive order to end their right citizenship. It's a constitutional right that those born on American soil or US citizens, regardless of their parents immigration status.

Okay, Okay, that does sound like a major change, but right citizenship has been in the Constitution of one hundred years. But on the other hand, should you just be a US citizen just because you were were born here? I mean, I think all citizens should have to prove that they're truly American by taking a quiz on American history and failing it. Okay if your score, if your score is above sixty, you're going back to as y'all whatever shithole

Overnight, with the stroke of a pen, President Trump issuing sweeping pardons to nearly all of the rioters charged for their actions on January sixth, So this is January sixth. Trump even granting clemency to the more than six hundred people charged with assaulting or resisting law enforcement.

Okay, Look, freeing violent criminals from prison seems less moderate and more like something Bain did. Okay, but you know what, if you know your history in that situation, Batman fixed it. Okay. So concerns are over blown. And look, these guys have been in prison for like two whole months already. Okay, I'm sure they've learned that.

Lesson Jacob Chancelly, we know him as also the QAnon Shaman. He put out something on social media where he said, I got a pardon baby, Thank you, President Trump. Now I'm gonna buy some mother fn guns.

It's almost the end of Trump's first week in office, and he's done a lot. He shut down windmills, he saved TikTok, he caught common San Diego, and the man just can't stop, won't stop. On Monday, he wiped out all federal DEI programs, and yesterday he ordered that if anyone, anyone, if you see anyone trying to be inclusive, you better tell teacher.

The Trump administration asking federal workers to snitch on their coworkers. In a rollback of diversity equity and inclusion programs.

Employees have been told to report any colleagues who work in diversity, equity and inclusion roles or they could face consequences. NBC need has obtained emails sent to multiple agencies that say some of these programs are disguised using coded or imprecise language.

Yeah you hear that. Don't even think about doing DII in secret, right, Don't be meeting up in back alleys like yo, yo, you gotta need lesbian resumes for me today. And I know you think DII was only invented in twenty twenty by Democrats looking for a fresh new way to lose elections. But Donald Trump is dedicated to rooting out DEI all throughout history.

One of the president's executive orders revokes an executive order signed by President Lyndon Johnson in nineteen sixty five that the Trump administration says mandated affirmative action.

That's right, Donald Trump went back in time to kill BABYDI. It's kind of impressive that he got this much focus. Trump is doing deep dives into these obscure old policies. Like he's magot John Oliver. And look, I'm not going to pretend to know more about civil rights law than Donald Trump. I mean, he's been sued over it many times. But if a discrimination law has been around since nineteen sixty five, it might be a load bearing civil rights thing, so maybe don't touch it. But DII is not the

Breaking news out of Seattle.

A federal judge has just temporarily.

Blocked President Trump's order attempting to end birthrights citizenship.

The judge in this case is saying that they have been on the bench for ever four decades. So this is a quote from the judge inside the courtroom. I can't remember another case where the question presented is as clear as this one. This is a blatantly unconstitutional order.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa?

What does the Constitution have to do with this? The Constitution is for gun stuff, Okay, who died and make this woke activists.

A judge huh oh uh, Ronald Reagan, that liberal cuck.

This judge. This judge has been judging for four decades and has never seen something and I quote so blatantly unconstitutional. I mean, that's like the judge equivalent of a Kendrick distract, Like all the other judges.

Were like, oh shit, sweet concur.

Usually the judge says this is a constitutional or unconstitutional okay, but this is like next level unconstitutional. This is like if you took a pregnancy test and he said you are the least pregnant anyone's ever been in forty years. But Trump doesn't expect all these executive orders to pass legal scrutiny. He's signing those things the way guys swipe right on every Tinder profile. Okay yo, he just needs one or two to hit. And that's the weekend. Baby.

In an Oval Office sit down last night, President Trump repeated false claims that other countries are sending their prisoners here.

They've emptied dead jails.

I would if I were the president or prime minister or something of another country, I'd empty my jails right into America.

You did do that.

Like three days ago.

With the.

With the ten sixth thing.

Remember the guy handle you all those cheesecake factory menus and you sign them all.

That was the thing.

But look, Trump doesn't care whether migrants are technically criminals or not, because he can tell just by looking at them.

Sean who would ask for open borders with people pouring in, some of whom I won't get into it, but you can look at them and you can say, could be trouble, could be trouble. There are people coming in with tattoos all over their face, their entire faces covered with tattoos. Typically you know he's not going to be the head of the local.

Bank, breaking news.

Old man, not fan of tattoos, And yeah, probably the guys who face tattoos aren't going to be bankers. But maybe bankers should have tattoos. I mean, one tear drop for every loan application they deny. A stay Cliff JP Morgan, that guy local.

Friday Night Masterflate Friday Night Perge, A chilling perch the purge?

Oh Trump possession in the purge?

Hi for what.

HI for?

One will take full advantage by doing some untermitted lawn work.

Your God is powerless.

Although, just in case I'm misinterpreting, what is this purge about?

Exactly?

Breaking news the mass firing of government agency watchdogs.

Trump fired at least seventeen inspectors general.

No, he got rid of seventeen inspectors general.

That only leaves no one knows how many that I have no idea.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I break the illusion?

You know, here's a nice thing a home.

You don't know if that's the axe or my desk, which one is fake?

I'll never tell. The point is.

We have seventeen less inspectors general. Who knows how many generals will now go uninspected? Democrats inspire my anger in the lead's charismatic way possible.

Donald Trump's decision to fire twelve of the federal government's independent watchdogs is a glaring sign that it's a golden age. And Donald Trump's decision to fire twelve of the federal government's independent watchdogs is a glaring sign that it's a golden age for abuse in government and even corruption.

He started again, right?

He said it twice like no recognition, just started again.

Is that what happened? Normally humans in that scenario would go, oh god, I'm sorry?

What?

Uh? Where was I?

Let me take that from the top and maybe this time I'll look up.

Can you are you? Can you legally just restart without acknowledgement? Is Schumer ai? Is he deep seek?

But regardless of how slowly NPC Chuck Schumer.

Laid it out, what Trump did violated the law. He can't just fire these people.

Title five, Section four or three of the us CO Federal Law in a spectro general may be removed by the president.

What so, what's the purge? What's the mouth? Why do I have an axe?

There is a specific law that requires notice thirty days and a statement of reasons, substantive and detailed rationale.

What I'm sorry?

What?

Oh?

Apparently you can fire them, but you have to give them thirty days notice.

Oh so that's what we're upset about. No, you can do it, but not in that font. That's Hitler's font.

But this is the cycle we find ourselves in. First law of trumpodynamics. Every action is met with a very not equal overreaction, thus throwing off our ability to know when shit is actually.

Getting real Like last week's pardons.

These pardons are sick, they are offensive, They are Unamerican.

This is one of the most egregious, despicable acts in American history.

This is textbook authoritarian takeover.

One oh one. I knew I should have taken that class.

I'm not majored in submissive liberal crying one oh one.

Do what you with Trumpieski? Was it shitty?

Yes?

Should you have let some of those terrible people?

No?

Is it an to be used of pardon power?

I don't know, but that is his constitutional power. Again, for some reason, we have given presidents the power of a king, and then we say, oh, by the way, with that power, you're not going to get all like kinglean shit on us right.

To put that in constitutional terms?

If I could don't hate the player, hate the founding fathers, why.

Don't we even have it? Because I don't know. If you've met Donald Trump, he pushes shit.

President Trump deploying executive action to end birthright citizenship.

This unconstitutional on American.

Attack, shredding our constitution was to be a strong man authoritarian.

Birthright citizenship was very specifically tailored to send a message to people in America was a place an idea.

It wasn't for one race, it wasn't for one gender.

Citizenship in America was based on where you were, not who you were, and to just stroke of a pen. Finally, I agree that is authoritarian.

We do begin tonight with the federal judge blocking President Trump's executive order that would end birthright citizenship, and we're back.

See how easy that was. It was a dictatorship. And then the judgment.

It's like when you have an electric fence. You never check it and you're not really sure if it works.

Because you have a good boar. Yeah, I have a very good boy, but then one day zap.

By the way, I fundamentally disagree with the use of electric fences, It is true. I prefer to discipline my dogs with a series of passive, aggressive comments about their weight, really tearing through the bowl to night.

Huh, take a breath, Tubs, It's called kibble, not gobble.

By the way, my dog's name is Tubs. Anyway, birthright citizenship is back.

No obviously will appeal it.

Damn you constitutionally enshrined judicial review of executive action.

And it's relief through the appellate process. Look, we are facing.

A deluge of these executive actions, and certainly we must be prepared for those most vulnerable to the consequences of these actions. But this is all fascist argument has become almost a re flex for the left.

Donald Trump promised to be a dictator on day one, and he's carried that forward through the entire week.

Five days into this administration. The abuse has already rampant well.

The rest of the week, shredding the constitution as he went on.

A fascism scale of one to ten, with ten being peak fascism.

How would you rate Trump's first week.

The scale of Mussolini to the Holocaust? You know, I would say it's not fascism.

Do I not understand what fascism is? And also if I may, and this may be petty, why are we asking someone who at the end of January still has his friend Christmas Treo, Why are we asking you anything?

Donald Trump was busy getting our military in shape so he can finally fulfill our country's month old dream of conquering Greenland. And first we're going to need to have as many troops as possible.

President Trump has signed several executive orders to reshape the military, including directive banning transgender service members.

Okay, did I say as many troops? I mean fewer troops, right, you know what they say in the army, less is more.

Look, maybe they.

Don't say that. I don't know, but that's Look. I don't have a problem with transgender soldiers. As someone who peaes himself anytime he hears a loud noise, I think we should be grateful to anyone who's willing to put their life on the line, so I don't have to. But hey, yeah, okay, but I'm open minded about being closed minded. So what's the issue here?

President Trump signed an executive order calling transgender people unfit to serve.

One part says being transgender is quote knocking assistant with the humility and selflessness required of a service member.

Another says being trans conflicts with quote an honorable, truthful, and disciplined lifestyle, even in one's personal life.

Yeah, well, look, you know it makes sense that the military has to be honorable, truthful, and disciplined. You know, sure, this is your Secretary of Defense. But that's all the more reason. That's all the more reason that the rest of them have to have their shit together. It's like how every Beatles album had to be packed with hits to make up for that one song that Ringo wrote about wanting to an octopus or whatever. I gotta say, the military sure has a lot of ethical rules for

They specifically cite readiness with transition surgeries. If you have a transition surgery, the recovery time and the narcotics that you have to be on as part of the process could affect your readiness for up to twelve months.

Oh, up to twelve months. Do you know how long our wars last. I think they'll have you back back.

In the game in no time.

Vietnam War eleven years, Afghanistan War twenty years. Even our storage wars last fifteen seasons. First of all, transgender people make up point one percent of the military, So Commander in Chief, you're ruining the lives of people who are dedicated to serving America while doing nothing to affect the larger military. I don't see why a transition surgery should affect readiness more than any other surgery. Trump is acting like they're doing transition surgeries on the front lines. Medic

Right.

A man pardoned by President Trump for his role in the January sixth riot was shot and killed by an Indiana deputy during a traffic stop.

Okay, well except for that guy. I mean, that guy really wasted a presidential pardon. Look, if I ever get a presidential pardon, I'll tell you. I'll tell you what I'm not gonna do. I'm not gonna get shot to death. So what exactly happened there?

At least say the deputy tried to arrest Matthew Huddle on Sunday, but he resisted and the deputy shot him. Investigator say, Huddle had a gun.

Hmmm, a routine traffic stop ending in the police shooting a man they claimed had a gun. This is the kind of thing Liberals would cry police brutality. But if it's a January sixther, you know, I I have a feeling they're going to be like, oh, look, we need to back the blue on this one. Liberals are getting so much whiplash trying to decide if this cop is bad or good. Rachel Maddow is going to be in

Right now, Houston authorities are trying to find a man pardoned by Donald Trump for his role in the January sixth riots. Andrew take is wanted for our twenty sixteen charge of a solicitation of a minor.

Okay, well, well not that guy. Also stop. But look, any group as large as the January sixth crowd is going to have one sex creep in it. You know, there's probably one in our audience right now, raise your hand if you're a sex creep. That guy in the plaid shirt, that woman, sir, Come on the point is all the rest of the partners are. They're fine, They're doing fine.

A Mint hill Man, who pleaded guilty to his involvement in January sixth, is possibly facing other charges.

Court document show David Daniel is facing child pornography charges.

Wait, wait what, I'm starting to worry that the people who broke into the capital and took a shit at Nancy Pelosi's desk are not upstanding citizens, you know what. Forget about those two pedophiles. Andrew Kyle Grigsby of Louisville, who was pardoned for spraying Capitol police with bear spray, is currently incarcerated in a Kentucky prison for two counts of child pornography. Jesus Christ, at this point, it might have been better for them just to stay in prison,

Trump's been busy these.

Last few days signing orders reinstalling the diet coke button grabbing Panama by the canal, but it was only a matter of time until he had to start presidenting for real. This morning, he held a press conference to address the tragic plane crash in Washington, DC last night. And remember, one of the most important things a leader can do in a rapidly developing difficult situation is to calm people down, stick to the facts, and keep your uninformed opinions to yourself.

We do not know what led to this crash, but we have some very strong opinions and ideas, and I think we'll probably state those opinions now, I mean, or.

We can just speculate wildly.

Why not.

I get a little bit nervous when Trump has a strong opinion, you know, it's never something unifying, like sunsets are beautiful or love is the answer. But this is a new term and he's only a few days in, so let's give him the benefit of the doubt. What's Trump's opinion about what happened in DC.

The FAA's diversity push, A big push to put diversity into the FAA's program, the agency's Guidance and Diversity Hiring, the FAS Diversity and Inclusion Hiring plan.

Damn you, diversity initiatives. Why are you responsible for every historical tragedy the fires in Los Angeles, DEI, the bridge collapse in Baltimore, DEI, the Irish potato famine DEI, Slavery DI. Did you ever notice how many minorities were at slavery? It's all DI. Just to be clear, mister president, you have evidence that diversity initiatives are responsible for this tragic crash. You're not just saying this right right.

I'm trying to figure out how you can come to the conclusion right now that diversity had something to do with this crash because they.

Have common sense. There you go, No, no, no, there you go, there you go. Here's common sense.

It's just a coincidence that his common sense happens to align with his long held prejudices. So let's spin the big wheel of blame to see which minorities are responsible for this crash. Who will it be this time? Black people, lesbians, trans Armenians.

The FAA is actively recruiting workers who suffer severe intellectual disabilities, psychiatric problems, and other mental and physical conditions under a diversity and Inclusion hiring initiative. They include hearing vision, missing extremities, partial paralysis, complete paralysis, epilepsy, and dwarfismwarf.

I can't believe it's only day ten and Trump is already this far down his list of scapegoats. He's blown past race and gender and now he's hitting dwarfs. Is he really suggesting there is a plane crash because someone with dwarfism worked in air traffic control? Does Trump think they couldn't see the control panel and they.

Were just.

Reaching up and pushing bump and buttons hoping it would work out. Hold on, I just want to say that people with dwarfism are just like everyone else. In fact, they're penises are normal size, which means proportionally they're huge. So in a way you could say that I'm the one looking up to them.

That's a thinker, that's a thinkert of.

Different layers in there. You might be thinking, well, that's progress. You know, he used to blame everything on past administrations, But don't worry, he got them in there too.

We had a very good policy, and then Biden came in and he changed it. And Biden went by a standard that's the exact opposite the FAA, which is overseen by Secretary Pete Buddhachek a real winner. You know how badly everything's run since he's run the Department of Transportation. Obama, Biden and the Democrats, they put politics at a level that nobody's ever seen. Might changed the Obama standards from very mediocre at best to extraordinary.

I'm sorry you're blaming Obama, the guy from three presidents ago. Forget blaming a fart on your This is blaming the fart on your dog that died when you were eight. I still think about you, Henry, such stinky farts. Yeah, look, mister president, I know you're scared that people might hold you responsible now that you're president. Because you're the president, mister president, and it's time to just be a man. Okay. Real men don't point fingers. Real men find solutions, real

You got to take care of your skin.

Yeah.

The skin is the biggest organ on the body unless your dwarf. And it's the second bid.

We all know Donald Trump isn't a details kind of guy. We elected him to come up with big, brilliant ideas like renaming the Gulf of Mexico. No one else could have thought of that or should have thought of that. But it's okay that he's not big on details because during the campaign he promised us that he knew a guy.

I'm going to appoint Elon Musk who's a fantastic guy to lead a government efficiency commission tasked with saving trillions of dollars in fraud, waste, and abuse. We have tremendous fat, tremendous fet.

Don't take the bait? Does he don't take the bait? Be the bigger person, Be the bigger person. Okay, that's right.

Elon Musk, the world's richest man and guy who cheers in the wrong parts of saving private Ryan Trump promised us that he'd give Elon full access to the federal government, pull it to the side, and get all up in it. And unlike his wedding vows, this is a promise he kept.

Musk sweeping push to make over the federal government, sparking democratic panic and warnings of a constitutional crisis.

Now we have learned that his team has gained access to something extraordinarily sensitive, the system that the Treasury Department uses to disperse almost every check and expenditure of any kind made by the US government that is a.

Vast database with millions of Americans personal information on it.

Yeah, yeah, Elon Musk has access to your Social Security number and that is not cool. If you want our personal data, Elon, you go buy it off the dark web like everyone else. Okay, Now, you might be thinking, I don't want white nationalist Tony Stark to have sole control of the inner workings of the federal government. But relax, it's not just Elon. He has a fully equipped team.

Longtime government employees this week were shocked to find that they're new supervisors from Elon Musk's DOGE department include recent college and high school graduates between nineteen and twenty four years old. One of the young men is apparently a former Internet Musk's neuralink company who goes by the online handle Big Balls.

Great Big Bulls has my Social Security number.

Now I feel better.

But Elon Musk isn't the only one having people finger banging their eggs Florentine with excitement.

Donald Trump is.

Also reducing the government workforce, although his interest seemed to be less about cost cutting and more about sweet sweet revenge.

I'm tremendous unrest inside the FBI as prosecutors and agents who worked on the January sixth investigation and are being targeted.

It looks like a wholesale purge of the FBI. As you know, already, the eight top officials at the Federal Bureau of Investigation have either been fired or forced to resign. Now the FBI is being asked to produce a list of every employee worked on any case related to January sixth. I am told this is some six thousand FBI employees, all told.

What the fire.

These agents were doing their job enforcing the law, and now they're getting fired.

That is not how it works.

I cannot believe I have to explain firing to the star of the Apprentice that was your whole fake job. And this is obviously just the beginning, because Trump is going to be targeting everyone that's ever come after him. And I just want to say, I'm not scared, So mister Trump, bring it on, Okay, that's.

Coming from me.

Jordan Klepper k l Epper.

This morning, a stunning proposal from an American President, Donald Trump, with the Israeli Prime Minister by his side, declaring that the US will take over the Gaza Strip.

The US will take over the Gaza Strip.

We'll own it.

Okay, let me just ask what and also what.

President Trump made a surprising suggestion last night during a press conference with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin nettan Yahoo, the United States he said should take over the war torn Gaza Strip and redevelop it into something like a seaside resort.

We have an opportunity to do something that could be phenomenal.

And I don't want to be cute. I don't want to be a wise guy.

But the riviera of the Middle East.

What the.

Trump is going to turn Gaza into the Riviera. He couldn't even turn Atlantic City into a nicer Atlantic City.

If anything, they tore down so many of his casinos.

He turned to Atlantic City into Gaza. But okay, he wants to rebuild it, and he wants to turn it into mar A Lago. At least the Palestinians will have a place to go back to.

Donald Trump calling for the permanent resettlement of roughly two million Palestinians.

I don't think people should be going back to Gaza. I think that Gaz has been very unlucky for them.

And he says he's willing to use the US military to do it.

We'll do what is necessary.

If it's necessary, we'll do that.

Okay, Just so I'm clear, your idea is to take over Gaza, rebuild it into mar A Lago, and make sure that the Palestinians who live there can't go back. That is the easiest thing he said since yesterday and until tomorrow, even as chief of staff was shocked.

Look at her face. She looks just like.

She won Best Country Album at the Grammy. And of course she's shocked. He's effectively advocating for ethnic cleansing.

Who could possibly be okay with that?

You see things others refuse to see. You say things others refuse to say, and on. After the jaws drop, people scratch their heads and they say, you.

Know, he's right.

No, they usually scratch their heads and they say, what the fuck are you talking about? Of course, Phoebe is ecstatic at Trump's idea.

Look at him.

He looks happier than a teenager getting a hand job in the back of a birthright bus. But bb aside, this proposal is giving a lot of people whiplash. Trump ran his whole campaign on America First, and now he's out there chanting from the riviera to the sea. Yesterday, Donald Trump unveiled his big plan to relocate Gosins and turn their homeland into the world's holiest hard rock hotel and casino.

And today the reviews are in.

The Arab world hates it, Democrats condemn it, Republicans have problems with it, and the Palestinians won't abide by it. Or as Trump says.

A lot of people are talking about everybody loves it.

I stand corrected. I guess everybody loves it.

And even though the plan was totally perfect in every way, his staff spent the entire next day walking back every single part of it.

The President said his intention was to remove Palestinians from Gaza permanently.

If we can get a beautiful area to resettle people permanently.

But today the press secretary said it would be temporary.

But the President has made it care that they need to be temporarily relocated out of Gaza for the rebuilding of this effort.

Oh, Trump's press secretary just had her first walk back. This is an important rite of passage for Trump's spokespeople.

They're bull mitzvah.

If you will She was spending so much time walking back the plan that at one point she ran out of English words. This is an unhabitable place for human beings.

Yeah, so true.

Remind me how it got unhabilibitable again?

Even worse for Caroline.

While she was scrambling to salvage Trump's plan, Trump was on truth social readjusting it on the fly, which left everybody even more confused.

Breaking Just a short time ago, President Trump seemed to backtrack, but also to double down on his plan to take over.

Gaza, a backtrack and a double down, And now on the uneven bars, Donald Trump will attempt the rare combination backtrack, double down, and let's see if he breaks every bone in his body. But while his team tries to fix his Gaza plan, Donald Trump has already moved on because he's basically the neurovirus. Every day he spews executive orders all over the place, and while we struggle to clean up all the puke, he comes out the other end with something even worse.

He tried to.

Buy out the entire workforce of the CIA. His DOJ is going after anyone who's investigated him, and now he has defeated America's biggest threat at.

The White House today, President Trump signing an executive order banning transgender women and girls from competing in women's sports.

With this executive order, the war on women's sports is over.

Who are putting.

Every school receiving taxpayer dollars on notice that if you let men take over women's sports teams or invade your locker rooms, you will be investigated for violations of Title NINN and risk your federal funding.

You don'tice how.

We paused right before invade your locker rooms, Like, maybe we won't make that illegal.

You should I proof read this.

It's bad enough that he's banned trans women from sports, but spare us the performance of pretending that this is a top issue for women in this country. Maybe start with I don't know reproductive rights or pay inequality, or why it's twenty twenty five and still none of my clothes have pockets. Now you might be wondering, is this really going to be the entire Trump presidency? Just divisive executive orders every day for the next four years.

Probably?

But on the bright side, he did have one executive order today that felt relatively harmless.

I have signed an executive order to resume the process of creating a new national park full of statues of the greatest Americans who ever lived.

It would be called the.

National Garden of American Heroes. And I hope that Congress will fully fund this wonderfully unifying project at the first possible opportunity.

Excuse me, sir, Americans already have a national Garden and it sells unlimited breadsticks. I never thought i'd say this, but Elon, I got some government waste for you.

Right here?

Does anyone have the phone number of the Department of Government Efficiency?

Actually they're all twelve year olds.

Does anyone have the roadblocks user names of the Department of Government Efficiency?

Here's here's And I'm going to drop some knowledge.

And no one really cared about the game because of the earth shattering announcement that had been made moments prior.

You know, we're flying over right now, we're flying over a thing called the Gulfs of America, and I'm signing a proclamation. And perhaps you could define that.

First of all, why do you fly around in a Hyatt hotel room? Second of all, define proclamation that you don't know what a prop or do you just want her to say what the actual propert.

I'm sorry I interrupted.

This is a.

Proclamation declaring today, February ninth, twenty twenty five is the first ever Gulf of America.

Day, and we're flying right over it right now.

So we thought this would be appropriate.

Even bigger than the Super Bowl.

It's true, bigger than the Super Bowl.

In fact, my favorite thing about Gulf of America Day are the commercials.

It's very historic.

I'm sure we'll look back on this day fondly when America is swallowed up by the rising waters of the Gulf of America.

You know, it turns out it's kind of a weird thing.

Airplanes might not be the best place to make bigger than the Super Bowl announcements.

Even bigger than the Super Bowl. This is a big thing, and almost everybody now has assented to that.

And ladies and.

Gentlemen, if you please direct your taking out the right side.

Of the aircraft.

Air Force one is currently in international waters the.

First time in history is flying over the recently renamed golc of America.

First of all, oh my god, it shut him up, even for just a second. I think airplane pilots must be the most powerful force.

In the universe.

I feel like the Democrats have to get themselves an airplane pilot. Sorry for the interruption, but you can't do that. Maybe let's Shumer. Schumer will be the pilot. But forgive me, I've been forgotten. What does calling a Gulf of America do?

Do?

We get all its fish?

Now?

Make America great again?

Right, that's what we care about.

Making America great A good.

Everything Trump does all part of making America great again. Order one, roll back everything from the previous not great administration regulations on the environment, regulations, on the Second Amendment, the Title nine guidance, and not just the big shit. You want to make America great again, you can't skimp on the details.

President Trump says he's going to reverse Joe Biden's mandate to phase out plastic straws, saying, enjoy your next drink without a strawa disgustingly dissolves in your mouth.

You okay, He's right on this one.

He he is right on this one.

Those straws are fing terrible.

Objectively, I'm supposed to have some weird tissue paper dissolve in my mouth just because turtles can't figure out straws aren't food. Now, don'tate to tubes, stupid turtles. So Trump is making America great again by taking us back to twenty sixteen. But obviously, if we're gonna make America great again, we can't stop in twenty sixteen. We got to keep pushing to that place when America was truly great. How much further back do we need to go? So it looks like it's the seventies.

Oh, like you don't know who Burt Reynolds is.

If you're gonna make us great, you're gonna have to roll further back than the seventies.

What do you got.

We're going to stop the destructive and devisive diversity, equity and inclusion.

Yeah, the seventies won't fly.

Seventies it was all about women's lib and stonewall. Now, my friends, we got to go back further to make America great. And ladies, when we do go back, don't worry. It's all going to work out for you.

You will no longer be thinking about abortion.

Women will be happy, healthy, confident, and free like everything else that's a little bit different today. You're not allowed to say that because if you call a woman or a girl beautiful, that's the end of your career.

Oh you can't even say, hey, sugar tits.

But ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna go back to the old days with regular tits, not the ones that disgustingly dissolve in your mouth.

Also, Jesus, but let's not stop in the seventies, their folks, not even in the fact.

Let's keep going, because.

That sounds like the fifties and the fifties are still too inclusive. I mean, by then Italians and Irish were considered white.

No, that's too far. Keep going back. America's greatness, awaits.

We were the richest country in the world. We were at our riches from eighteen seventy to nineteen thirteen, that's when we had we were a tariff country.

Eighteen seventies. Okay, there we go. Eighteen seventies kill kill Bill doo.

And of course will America presently is still pretty faking rich. Apologies Luxembourg, point taken. Who wouldn't trade our current environment for America's eighteen seventies tariff driven bekandled tuberculosis laden pre industrial heyday.

We were so wealthy we had commissions set up what to do with all the money that we were taking in.

Quick point of order.

Though to the extent that we were at our richest from eighteen seventy to nineteen thirteen, it wasn't so much we as like four guys, and we called them robber barons.

As a sign of affection.

Meanwhile, the rest of America, the leading cause of death was falling into a vat at work, and it got to the point where even the robber barons realized that the only way this glorious era in American history was going to end was either full scale in revolution or reasonable compromise, which is how we ended up with stuff like income tax and labor laws and workplace safety guarantees. So let's really tread carefully in the greatness way back machine.

Arizona House Republican Andy Biggs introduced a bill this week that would abolish OSHA, a Department of Labor agency tasked with overseen workplace safety.

To the vats.

And fill mine with boiling tallow boy, what what?

Why not just bring back child labor while you're at it. When you talk about school lunches, Hey, I work my way through high school.

I know about you, but I worked since I was before I was even thirteen years old. I was picking berries in the field before child labor laws that precluded that.

Shore picking berries in a field before you bumits fun. I mean, by the way, how old are you if you were picking berries before there were child labor laws?

Because you look great.

Is the key to good skin working the fields as a child.

Now.

I hate to bring this up, but if we are going back to the eighteen seventies and before, does that include every diversity initiative?

Birthright citizenship was If you look back when this was past and made, that was meant for the children of slaves. This was not meant for the whole world to come in. Everybody coming in and totally unqualified people with perhaps unqualified children.

Don't bring us. You're tired and poor, huddled masses. Do you have any mathletes? Any does Hauser? We will take all of your sheldons, young and old. For those of you at home who might fear that the president's desire to take us back to our nation's historic greatness may tread into unconstitutional action, fear not, because the brilliant design of our nation allows for the co equal branch of

Vice President jad Vans he had some interesting words about the separation of power and government.

He's for it.

If a judge tried to tell a general how to conduct a military operation, that would be illegal.

If a judge tried to.

Command the attorney general on how to use her discretion as a prosecutor, that's also illegal. Judges aren't allowed to control the executive's legitimate power.

Of course, they're allowed to adjudicate the boundaries of that power. That's the whole point of the judiciary, to interpret whether those powers are legitimate.

You would the lads over.

The the alternatives.

Acting.

The only alternative is that the executive determines for himself what is constitutional, at which point there would be no guardrails against.

Hate. Congress, Hey, buddy, you got a little separation of powers problem. I was wondering any chance he might be reassert your authority, opposition, pardon democrats. Are you ready to do some oppositioning.

There are some things we can do, but the Republicans are the majority in the Senate and the House. We're going to need some Republicans, frankly, who are willing to lose, who are willing to be a Liz Cheney and say I will lose my seat to do the right thing by this country, not the right thing by Donald Trump.

I haven't seen it yet.

Let's hope Democratic Congressman Dan Goldman of New York.

That's the sales pitch.

We just need someone on their side willing to lose everything to progress, like a Russian dog being shot into space. You can see the Democrats backbone on our new show American Backslides.

I'm starting Dad.

Going vinesca hoop loser.

Donald Truff has been imposing a lot of tariffs since he took office, And if the nature and scope of these tariffs confuses you, don't worry. You're not the only one, thank.

You, sir. Next In twenty eighteen, you imposed odd volorum duties tariffs on imports of steel at a twenty five percent rate. Since that time, a large number of exclusions and exceptions to that tariff rule have been implemented because of the damage to the United States steel industry that those exceptions and exclusions have imposed. Where now this order would reimpose that twenty five percent oddlorum tariff rate on imports of steel. And it's presented for your signature.

Now do you understand what that means?

Do you understand what that means?

I mean, why don't you tell me, President of the United States what this means? Explain advalorum to me like I was a child. This is Trump's own policy, and he's so bored by it. And you can tell because at one point he gets so bored he just starts peeking into a random folder on the desk. What's in here? Can't he.

Picture of boobs?

What do we got?

Oh? Oh, oh, just more falters? Why is this guy still talking? Yesterday was a busy day at the White House. First, Trump met with the King of Jordan, the country Jordan, not the Boston ma King Abdulla the Second. Okay, of course, Trump invited the king to discuss his plan to displace two million people and turn Gaza into the Atlantic City of the Middle East, which sounds pretty clear cut to me, but apparently the nitpickers and the media still have questions.

You said before that.

The US would buy Gaza, and today you just said, we're not going to buy Gadza.

We're not gonna have to buy We're not gonna buy anything. We're gonna have it and we're gonna keep it, and we're gonna make sure that there's gonna be peace and there's not gonna be any problem. And nobody's gonna question it.

There's no problem, and nobody's gonna question it. Trump is like a Jedi who doesn't have the force. I'll take Gaza. Nobody's gonna question it. Nobody is this thing working?

Is this thing?

But Trump has another plan to convince the haters, a charm offensive.

It's a war torn area. We're gonna take it, we're gonna hold it, we're gonna cherish it.

Okay, so it's going to be an ethnic cherishing. I got okay, Okay, I mean, how did that start? Like a Mussolini speech? And as a boys to men's song, we will take the land, it will be ours, and we're gonna make love to you like you want us to, and I'll hold it tight, maybe all through the knights. And one thing I find weird about Donald Trump saying he wants to run Gaza. Is that from what we've seen so far, he barely wants to run the United States.

President Trump's setting new guidelines for hiring in the federal workforce while giving more power to Elon Musk and his team at the Department of Government Efficiency or DOGE. A new executive order directs government agencies to pursue large scale cuts, saying they now need hiring approval from DOGE.

Yes, Elon Musk is now in charge of all government highlings, hirants, hirants. Sorry, I didn't say that, right, right, I didn't say yeah, Okay, okay. I don't know why I keep hitler miss speaking. I don't know why I keep misspeaking. So this was already a pretty unusual thing for president to do, but Trump being Trump, he had to make it even more ridiculous by introducing it with a full on circus act in

You doing this?

If the people cannot vote on how they will be decided by their elected representatives in the form of the president and the Senate in the House, then we don't live in them on we live in a bureaucracy. So it's incredibly important that the President of the House and the Senate decide what happens as opposed to a large unelected bureaucracy.

Wow.

Wow, I mean, you see why this guy's a genius. You don't want an unelected bureaucrat running the country. It makes a lot of sense. No questions here. I do have one question, though, isn't that you? I mean, am I going crazy? Because it feels like I'm watching Drake sing not like us at carry Okay, does he not know? Remember during the campaign, Donald Trump made some big promises about how quickly and easily he was going to end that war.

If I'm president, I will have that war settled in one day, twenty four hours.

I would tell Putin gotta settle.

I would tell Zelenski, you gotta settle. I would get a settlement in twenty four hours, no longer than one day.

I can get it ended.

As president elect, I will get it settled before I even become president.

I'm gonna do it. Back to the future and this war before it even starts. Go back in time, kiss my mom, maybe have sex with her. What am I talking about?

What was I talking about?

There?

We are one month into that first twenty four hours and Donald Trump is finally ready to negotiate. But it's gonna be tough, which is why he started out with a quick warm up negotiation. First, an old fashioned prisoner swap with Russia. Let's see how it went.

Russia freed a wrongfully detained American teacher, Mark Voegel, returning to the US after more than three years in Russian captivity imprisoned for carrying a small amount of medically prescribed marijuana. In exchange, the US releasing Russian cyber crime kingpin Alexander Vinnick.

What you traded a cybercrime kingpin for public school teacher Mark Fogel. This is like if the Dallas Mavericks traded Luka Doncic for public school teacher Mark Fogel. I mean, at least the teacher we got back is the cool teacher. He smokes weed and he's been to jail. I mean, you know, you know, he's showing movies in fourth period. Also, Americans, stop smoking weed in Russia. If you need to relax,

This morning, President Trump pledging to meet with Russian President Putin in person after announcing they've agreed to start negotiations immediately to end the war in Ukraine.

President Trump saying, quote, I just had a lengthy and highly productive phone call with President Vladimir Putin of Russia. Just gost Ukraine, the Middle East, energy, artificial intelligence, the power of the dollar, and various other subjects.

Yeah, I'd like to know what those various other subjects were. I mean, it's tad suspicious. It's like a husband coming back from a Vegas bachelor party saying, yeah, we ate some great food, we saw the sphere, did various other things. Anyway, you should get a prescription for valtrex. So Trump has now set the stage for face to face negotiations with Putin on the future of Ukraine. But Trump won't be

Pete Hegseth, speaking at NATO headquarters during his first trip to Europe, was blunt, saying Ukraine's long thought membership in NATO isn't realistic. Neither is thinking Ukraine can regain all the territory Russia has seized. We must start.

By recognizing that returning to Ukraine's pre twenty fourteen borders is an unrealistic.

Objective, measures that will likely be welcomed by Putin, prompting questions about whether Trump is giving up his leverage to negotiate with Russia.

Speaking in unusually blunt terms, the German Defense minister accusing the Trump administration of making concessions to Putin before these peace negotiations have even begun.

Okay, so before negotiations even start, America gave up the two things Russia most wants. I mean, oh, do heg Seth and Trump not know how to negotiate between the two of them. They've been divorced ninety seven times. I mean, if your opening move is giving away the house, the car, and the kids, best case scenario, you're leaving court with half of a golden retriever. I mean, no one's gonna be happy with that, except for maybe RFK Junior. But

Be a shark. You know there's room there.

Whichever animal it is, you'll probably fall out of a window. Regardless. Trump is not gonna go driving a hard bargain on Ukraine's behalf, and that's fine. But as long as Ukraine is an equal member of this peace process, they'll get some of what they want.

Do you hear.

Ukraine as an equal member of this peace process?

It's an interesting question.

Yeight.

That's like when my dentist asked if by flaws, it's an interesting question.

I gotta go.

Okay. So this is not looking good for Ukraine. Imagine not even being invited to your own peace negotiations. It's like if your wife told you she wanted a threesome and then asked what night you'll be away on business. Have so much fun, sweetie. I'm strong enough for this. It's okay. I had it coming after Vegas. You might think it's unfair to put Ukraine in this position after they were the ones invaded but that's not exactly how Trump sees things.

I think they have to make peace. That people are being killed, and I think they have.

To make peace. I said that was not a good war to go into.

Not a good one to go into.

They were invaded.

It wasn't their IDEA little advice for the back of Abraham Lincoln's head, don't get hit by a bullet. Not smart fuck here.

Clearly, this is going to.

Be a complex negotiation, and it couldn't have come at a worse time for Trump because he's also busy with his second job. Last week, he declared himself the chairman of Washington's Kennedy Center for the Arts, the government's premier arts institution. And if you're thinking, wait, Trump is completely unqualified to think about art, don't worry. He brought along an equally unqualified board to help him out.

He was elected by a board that he recently shook up, replacing appointees by Democratic presidents with Trump loyalists. As for the board, it now includes Attorney General Pambondi, Second Lady Usha Vans, Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, Deputy Chief of Staff Dan Scamino, Alison Lettnik, who's the e Commerce secretary's wife.

Okay, first of all, what's up with this voto?

Oh?

You need a headshot of mister Scavino. Unfortunately, the only picture that exists of him is from when he walked on his parents bumping uglies. But I Donald Trump loves arts entertainment, and you can hear his genuine passion in a phone call he had with the board.

I think we're going to.

Do something very special.

It got very woking, and some people were not happy.

With it, and some people are reputed to go.

And we're not gonna have that.

We're gonna have some that would be very very exciting, and we'll.

Do things both physically and then every other way to make the building look even better.

I think we're going to make it hot, and we made the president of the hot.

So they could be.

Hot. Only Trump would look at a building and go, let's get things off.

With the war in Ukraine.

Donald Trump promised he could secure a peace deal within one day of taking office, which means he is now negative thirty four.

Days ahead of schedule. Good work, sir.

As we know, the Ukraine War began in twenty twenty two when Putin invaded Ukraine on three separate fronts while launching missile attacks on Ukrainian cities, or as Donald Trump puts it.

President Trump has made a series of false assertions blaming Ukraine for starting the war.

You should have never started it. You could have made a deal.

That's an interesting interpretation, and that it's not what happened.

In fact, it's the exact opposite of what happened.

And this has set off alarm bells for a lot of conservatives, including Brian Kilmead, Trump's buddy and the Joey Tribuani of Fox and Friends. He tried to gently push back when Trump started to blame the destruction of Ukraine on President's Lensky.

You have a man who's led a country that had the most beautiful cities. They demolished, had the most beautiful domes. Those domes are the most beautiful the Russians.

That Russia's fault though architecture.

Russia demolished a thousand year old domes and everything's demolished, mister President, that's all this, that's Vladimir Putin's fault. I get tired of listening to it. It makes it very hard to make deals. But look what's happened to his country. It's been demolished.

But no, no, I hear you, the president.

But you know who's a plating for that.

That's what it is. Vladimir Putin that did the invasion unwarranted to try to take back landy had no right to. And those you think fundamentally that's that. And if you could just get now now both sides want to talk, it seems so we should just get to that point.

They only want to talk because of me.

But this is how off the rails Trump is.

His beloved Fox News is saying, mister President, you sound crazy, and I believe DEI causes tornadoes. And he's right, not about the DEI causing tornadoes. We all know trans people cause tornadoes, but about this war. Under Donald Trump, America has fully taken Russia's side, which means are we the bad now? Well, that didn't answer that, but I think we might be the bad guys. It's not just Republicans who are alarmed. The entire continent of Europe is freaking

I would have gotten a hundred, but I misspelled my name.

So yesterday Europe tried to get Trump back on its side by sending over its most charismatic Trump whisperer, Emmanuel Macrone of France, and right from the start of that meeting you could really see how he let his guard down.

That is the most beautiful language.

I have no idea what he said, but that is the human, monsvelian, elegant, beautiful language.

Yeah.

Trump just loves a French accent, probably because it's the native tongue of his hero pepe Le pew something about that pervert skunk that Trump finds so relatable. But mccrone's accent gives him a lot of leeweighted gently correct Trump every time he spews bullshit.

I mean this, walk offs to the office a lot of money. And this is the responsibility of Russia because the aggressor is Russia.

Europe is loaning the money to Ukraine.

They get their money back.

No, in fact, be to be frank, we paid. We paid sixty percent of the totally faults and it was who.

Like the US loves guarantee grants and we provided all money.

Look at it. Look at that smile. The guy is smitten.

Usually if someone confronts him about being wrong, he takes away their security detail. But he's letting Macron do whatever he wants. I think a sexy accent is his kryptonite. I assumed it was vegetables, but.

To be fair, it's not just Macron.

Trump was swooning over anyone with a sexy accent.

I want to know, if you what is your idea about? Even if you want to make the same thing.

Can you talk a little louder?

You have a beautiful voice, like the event.

Did these days used to me, where are you from from?

Italy?

Oh?

I loved Italy?

Oh Italy, I love that restaurant with the grocery store attwn oh now.

Level so good?

Now tell me which section are you from from? Aggio produce self. By the way, Trump is the only person on earth who has ever asked an Italian person to talk louder. Of course, as we saw it last week, not every accent does it for him.

Sometimes it just confuses him with the president.

People.

Lydia would be welcoming your decision to extradite Hburga.

I can't understand what he said.

Dude, Come on, if you don't understand what someone is saying, don't be rude and dismiss them. Just laugh and go, oh my god, that's so crazy, like a normal person. I mean, is Trump sure that he wants to be president? Because this is the worst job in the world if you don't understand accents. It's like working as an escort if you're still not one hundred percent sure which hole it's supposed to go in. Although would that actually make

It is evident that how the state of the United States.

So what is yours?

And what is the rule that the.

I can't believe Doge is going around looking for inefficiencies. Meanwhile, Trump has an English to English translator. But if you do have to have a translator for accents, why does the translator also have an accent?

Maybe the plan was to.

Have a string of translators with slightly less of an accent until they finally got to something Trump could process. Eventually, it'll just be the word Bangladesh written across the boobs of a swimsuit model.

Oh now I get it. Anyway, back to Macron.

Now, you might think that it's not wise for Europe to hinge its survival on the seductive power of Macron's accent, but Trump himself admitted that it works.

I just want to fall you a little, sir. So we're at the Eiffel Tower having dinner with your wonderful wife and with my wonderful wife. And we came out and he started speaking the French steel and we didn't have an interpreter, and he was going on and on and on, and I was just nodding yes, yes, yes. And he really sold me on because I got back the next day that I read the papers, they said, that's not what we said.

He's a smart customer.

I will tell you that.

Hold on, hold on, forget the accent. What was going on with that handshake?

Are they doing the no you.

Hang up but with their hands? Trump has been getting some stuff done. For example, yesterday he signed an executive order that forces hospitals to be transparent with their prices. And look that seems like a good idea, and I am perfectly capable of admitting it. When Donald Trump did something good, When Donald Trump did something good, good, When Donald Trump did something good.

I can't say it. I can't say it. Why is this so hard?

Oh?

Thank god? Those don't come along very often. Of course, because it's Donald Trump.

Most people will never hear about this price transparency thing, because at the same meeting he seemed more interested in doing stuff like this.

Do you have one of those?

Trump was right about everything?

Hats to me this, Yeah, give me all of them. Look, see that Trump was right about everything?

Just came in.

Somebody said that. I said, this was sent in by a fan.

I said, I think we should make.

Some of them right.

But we were pretty much you want want.

Okay, First of all, that is way too much text.

Guys.

If your hat needs a bookmark, it's not a good hat. And look, I hate to quibble with the hat. But Trump wasn't right about everything.

Okay.

There were a couple of small things.

I don't know.

Haitian immigrants weren't eating cats and jogs. There wasn't fifty million dollars worth of condom sent to Gaza, Belgium is not a city.

The twenty twenty election wasn't stolen. China doesn't.

China doesn't operate the Panama Canal, nor does it. And the best taco bulls are not made at the Trump Tower grill. But yes, other than that, Trump was right about everything. Now, I'm not trying to be a hater, but if you're going to own a hat with a ridiculous lie on it, at least make it a fun ridiculous lie, which is why I'm selling these. Garfield did nine to eleven get yours today before he finishes the job. But obviously Trump didn't bring everybody into the Oval office

We're going to be selling a gold card. You have a green card. This is a gold card.

We're going to be putting a.

Price on that card of about five million dollars and that's going to give you Green card privileges.

Plus oh oh, green card privileges plus.

See. I was still getting America with ads quick questions. Good question.

If I'm unhappy with America, can I cancel my subscription after seven days?

I am curious, what does this gold card do?

It's going to be a rep to citizenship and wealthy people will be coming into our country by buying this card. They'll be wealthy, and they'll be successful, and they'll be spending a lot of money.

Did this guy just put a cover charge on America? It's five million dollars to get in, but he'll waive it if you bring in three hot girls with you.

I mean, I guess it beats.

The old way of becoming a citizen, which was to marry Donald Trump.

But still.

I feel like immigrant stories are going to be a lot less inspiring in the future. My grandfather came to this country with nothing but five million dollars and the clothes in his custom Louis Vauton five piece Trunk said, although I have to admit I don't totally hate the idea of buying your way into a country. Hey, Canada, how you.

Doing, girl. I'm just gonna come out and say it. I want to be in you and listen, I don't have five million dollars, but I do have.

Four dollars and a cough drop and this orange hat.

Let's talk about it now.

You might be thinking, wait a second, if the US is just going to put citizenship up for sale. Doesn't that mean that any monster can buy one as long as they're rich.

Well, according to Trump, mm hmm.

Russian oligar elegible forty gold karma.

Yeah. Possibly.

Hey, I know some Russian oligarch said, of very nice people, it's possibly.

Feeling. Trump watched Anora.

In his takeaway from that movie was, we need to do more to help out that rich Russian teenager.

He's so good at sex.

But if you're letting Russians come into the country, you gotta be careful. Okay, I don't want to engage in stereotypes, but if you let a Russian in, then there's gonna be a smaller Russian inside of him, and then an even smaller Russian inside of him, and on and on and on.

There's always another.

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