Mike Johnson Elected House Speaker | Sydney Colson

You're listening to Comedy Central.

From New York City, the only city in America.

It's the shows in distent news.

This He's the Daily Show with your hosts. See Jesus's Nice Day.

Yeah all day. Welcome to the Daily Shows. I am Jesus Nice. Can I get in your yo.

We've got a great show for you tonight. I'm super excited a little for this show, but mostly because tonight is the greatest team in Basketball's opening the New York Knicks.

Now win or lose.

I will be on the street outside of the MSG streaming. So if I don't have a voice tomorrow, you know why. But I do have a voice now. So let's get into some headlines. Let's kick things off with big news about the speaker race in Congress. After spending three weeks on the dating scene, Republicans are finally swiping.

Right now far right breaking news out of Washington.

House lawmakers finally elected the next Speaker of the House.

After twenty two days, fourteen candidates and four nominees, House Republicans united to elect Congressman Mike Johnson of Louisiana the new Speaker of the House.

Republicans finally named conservative Congressman Mike Johnson, and it's about time.

That's right.

America's new Speaker of the House is some dude named Mike Johnson.

I'll be be honest.

That sounds like the name you give a hotel when you're checking in after having an affair. Hey, my name is au Mike Johnson. He went rooms by the hour. Now, if you don't know Mike Johnson, don't worry. Nobody else does. But what we do know is that he wants nationwide limits on abortion, he wants the criminalized gay sex, and he even wants to ban reggae thoon.

All right, I'm lying on.

The last one, but that seems like this vibe because it comes off as a dick. And the one other thing people know about this dude, he was one of the main guys trying to steal the election for Donald Trump. But apparently he doesn't want to talk about that anymore.

Johnson is a stuns Trump ally who recruited Republicans to sign on to efforts to overturn the twenty twenty election. I asked him, if he stands by that vote, can you help me to overturn the election?

Talking?

All right, someone can get their nana. So at first, when I saw that reaction, I was like, damn, that was a lot. But then I learned the reporter who asked the question was black.

That in order to make a little more.

Sense, especially when I found out the shut up lady is named Virginia and she represents North Carolina.

That's a lot of Southern heritage right there.

I bet you she was born in some small town named Plantationville or something.

Where was she born? Oh shit? Oh?

She from the BX wow BX D wait yo, I remember yoo. She umsed to be on the block. That's Jenny for one four nine yo.

We went to high school together. She got old as shit.

Oh man, I'll see you at the reunion though. All right, enough enough, let's move on to a story about one restaurant that's finally had it with you and you allowed ass kids.

The restaurant charging customers a new fee.

It's a bad parenting fee. The menu at a restaurant in Georgia lists a surcharge for adults quote unable to parent night. One customer whos charged fifty dollars for their kids' behavior.

Critics for the policies.

Say children are unpredictable, but supporters say it keeps parents in check.

I don't understand why this is necessary. We already have restaurants where you can go and there's no kids there.

It's called strip clubs. No, I'm for real. Check out Pumps and Bushwick. They got the best worn sushi in New York City of all real sushio boys out there.

But if they are going to do this, they should charge you waste on what your kid did.

Is your kid throwing French fries? Ten bucks?

Is your kid putting their mouth on a catchup bottle like is their mama's kitty?

Twenty? Your kid not really doing.

Anything, but he just keeps staring at my table like a creepy ghost.

Fifty bucks? So I fully support this. It's almost as good as my idea to keep kids in line. This lady problem solved. All right, Let's move on because a big internet debate has finally been settled.

I'm not talking about whether.

Justin Termula should get a path for his Wiger phase. I'm talking about whether you would rather have five hundred thousand dollars or lunch with Jay Z.

Now.

People have been arguing about this for years, but now Hove himself has weighed in.

There's something interesting online. Jay, I'd love to hear what you think about this. If you had a choice between getting paid five hundred thousand dollars in cash or lunch with jay Z, which would you choose.

You gotta take the money.

People say, of course you take You take lunch with jay Z because the wisdom that you would get from him would be so beneficial to you. There would only be a matter. You would take the money, take the.

Five hundred thousand, Go buy some albums and listen to the album The blueprint literally to me in my life and my journey is there already.

That's your advice, jay Yo.

By god, we've been listening to your music and we are not billionaires. All I've learned is concrete jungles are where dreams are made of, and I have no idea what that means. I do be singing the hell out of that in the club. Though, by the way, this question only works with jay Z. No other rapper commands anything close to half a million dollars will any other rapper would be like, you want one hundred and forty

Just don't invest it with who day.

But yeah, jay says to take the five hundred grand instead of lunch with him, which makes me wonder why didn't jay Z want me to eat lunch with him?

Kind of sounds like he's hiding something.

What if he doesn't want you to eat lunch with him because he's secretly a picky eater.

I don't like the mouthfield of mashed potatoos.

It's making my tongue itch. Yo.

You know how they raise tilapia. It's a bottom feeder, yo, box just bred up. I didn't get rich by wasting bread. I take the condomists home too. Beyonce's got hot sauce in a bag. Wouldn't think she learned that from I haven't paid for catch up for ten years. She boy.

I got one more. I got my bre I got a bar.

I can't eat with that creepy ghost kids sharing at me?

Someone charge of her feet. Listen for more on this.

The baby returned to Michael Cassa and Grace Coolest smit.

Michael, let's start with you five hundred grand or lunch with jay Z? What's the right choice.

It's easy, Jesus, You take the money. What financial advice is jay Z gonna give me? Hey, Michael, become the greatest rapper in history. I mean, at best, I can make it in the top twenty. Let me show you what I got. Drop me a b Jesus, here we go feeling I'm killing them, ba boy drilling.

I'm dealing them absolutely no grace. What about you? Would you also take the money, No way.

You definitely have lunch with jay Z. Look at his list of accomplishments. He married Beyonce, he dated Beyonce, he probably has beyond his phone number. So yeah, definitely lunch. Screw the five hundred grand. I'd pay that much to have Beyonce spit on me.

Yeah, yeah, of course we'd all pay half a meal for Beyonce to spit on us. But that's not the question, grace. Between jay Z or half a million, you gotta take the money.

This is why your rap career stalled, Michael. You don't think, you don't think big enough. You don't have to choose between jay Z and the money. What you have to do is have lunch with mister Z. But you tell him you only eat gold coins like a my strange addiction thing. Then after a couple hours in the emergency room, you're rich.

No, no, you can't meet jay Z and poop out gold. It's not your birthday. Okay, money or lunch. You have to choose.

But I don't though to quote jay Z no thank you?

No Dan, what jay Z song is that from?

Oh it's not from a song. I just assume at some point jay Z has definitely said no, thank you. My point is having lunch with mister Knowles could still make me rich. Investment, dividends, profit, these are all words he could.

Define for me.

Okayce Chrace, you're making this too complicated, all right, do what I do. Just take the five hundred thousand dollars, invest it in a sensible index fund. Then in five years, I take the principle, take it to Vegas, put it.

All on black. I win big. Now I'm a high roller.

I get front row seats to the big prize fight. Who's in the front row? Boom, jay Z.

I pretend one of my contacts fell out. Yeah, I pretend one of my contacts fell out. That way, I can also pretend I don't recognize him at first, which will make him feel normal and remind him of simpler times.

I give him some of the cost of charm. We exchange numbers. I asked him to lunch. Then when we meet up, I play some of my rap demos.

Yes, yes, you play your rap demos, Beyonce, here's them.

She's so appalled by.

What she's hearing that she spits on you. You're a genius.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I am a genius, and I mean this my boy sneeze is allergy sees is Jesus.

Give me a beat, Give me a beat them.

Okay, Well, Grace blues everybody, and when we come back, we'll find out the truth behind lasser flies.

So don't go away. Welcome back to the Daily Show. There are a lot of conspiracy theories out there, and I.

Believe like eighty percent of them are true, which is why we have a special segment that reveals the conspiracies you might have missed.

Conspiracies. They're everywhere or are they nowhere? Or is that exactly what they want you to think?

So that's where my wallet is. Well for every day there's a meet I'm Kevin Matthew Kelp. Follow me as I pull back the curtain. To find the truth behind the curtain. This is project conspiracy. New York has been the victim of countless animal invasions, apes, lizards, beetles, and now there's a new invader wreaking havoc on New York and it might just be the most dangerous one yet. Spotted lantern fly.

The invasion of the spotted lantern fly.

They wreak havoc on more than seventy varieties of plants.

The spotted lantern wise are ever reware.

And once they stick, they breed quickly.

Walk down an each sidewalk in the city and you'll see them. A bug seemingly biologically engineered to be squished, easy to spot, docile, with a slight crunch that tickles the year.

Damn it.

Now, I've killed my fair share of animals, and every single time the officials tell me to please leave the zoo. So why is it that this time the government agrees with me?

That's so much pooh. The State Agricultural Department want you to kill.

The officials are telling residents to stop and squash swat squash or.

Stop if you see it, smash it.

You could just hear the foot black on the flip flops.

I really like it, ah, as much as I love stomping the life out of things. Anytime I agree with the government, it means something isn't right. It's time to get to the bottom of this bug spiracy. Come on, lantern flies, where do they come from? Well, the government claims they migrated from China. That's an obvious lie. China has to be at least fifty miles from New York, way too far for a bug to fly.

Nice tried Deep State, but I'm not taking the bait.

So the real question is who or what would stand to gain from continuously smashing ah ah While seeking treatment for my battle wounds. Suddenly I realized the answer.

The diatrists.

The diatrists, come on, there's always been something shady about podiatrists. A doctor just for your feet, that's like having a doctor only for your heart.

Doesn't make any sense.

But if these guys were gonna get rich, they would have to manufacture demand dune, and the most obvious way to do that is to create a fake bug crisis, launder to the American people through the US government, enticing us to walk directly into their offices.

It's a plan, So genius, you almost have to respect.

It, but I don't. And now, well I need to see proof that could bring these foot.

Doctors to heat.

That's a good one.

I bet you're getting so many patients that have injured themselves from stopping on lantern flies.

Must be a real gold mine for you.

Uh no, you're the first I've seen most people are able to gently step on them without injuring themselves.

Uh huh, you know what?

Not small talk?

Where is it where you're breeding the lantern flies?

Huh huh?

What's this? What's this? The foot of the last guy that got too close to the truth to journey. Never gonna catch me. Your security has never seen somebody move this fast. Careful your shoe, you can just get hold up for guy, give it back, and you're never gonna catch me.

But you're you're not gonna get my copaid either.

I'll see you in three weeks.

From up here, it's easy to see the vastness of this conspiracy, millions of feet hunting down millions of lantern flies, making millions of dollars for big Foot.

But now that I know.

The truth, I'm not going to be a part of it anymore. Just one more, can't hurt a gotcha.

Welcome Peace Tavan, let me come back.

W NBA champion Sidney Coulson was joining me on the show, so don't go away.

H all Day, Welcome back to the Daily Show.

My guy tonight is a two time w.

NBA champion who plays for the Las Vegas Aces.

Please welcome Sydney Colsa. Sorry you're.

Sne congratulations on another championship.

Listen, Okay, we got Vegas fans here.

Youah Vegas fans everywhere? Sad. This is supposed to be Liberty turf right. You know I've been Liberty garn. Did you come here to glote? No? I'm yes, actually talk that talk, but actually I don't have to.

Most of them were cheering for the Aces.

I love it. Okay, wow, man, we got.

I think we just got w fans here though. I appreciate it.

Yes, yeah, yeah, because I was actually at that game and it was the highest rated.

Game in the w NBA history. This season, people are actually watching the game. People coming out, y'all are coming out.

What does it feel like to be part of that movement? We're now like you're more visible and people are really rocking with the WNBA.

It's incredible. I think about when I came in the league in twenty eleven and what it looked like them versus what these arenas will look like today, and what how many times we'll see players on commercials, on TV shows, on just a.

Variety of things.

This wasn't anything I ever expected to see in like my time that I was playing, but especially as like a young black player, to see women that look like me doing it and killing it. I was like, I just gotta keep working, okay, all right.

Now doing in the game for you were down two star players, and that's the game.

You have choice words for all the doubters. Oh yeah, I think we have a clip. Okay. People wanted to.

Count us out because we had two R starters down.

But they don't know we got some dogs on this team.

Shaw I got two words to say night guys. Wow wow, I mean she got.

But do you feel you're one of the best trash talkers in the WNBA.

When I tell you I'm not even a trash talker. I'm not this particular blew up and it makes me look like such.

I'm loving it, a douche bag, I'm loving.

You, villain. I'm like I didn't even know I would be in it.

But I'm like people, I'm troubling people at this point one because I don't care.

They're like, you only had two points. She's not two points on the Daily Show. That's gonna be there today. I mean speaking to two points.

It kind of got cooked on Twitter today by Asia.

I know, right, it be your own teammates.

Be all teammates. She said, you thought the whole team was going to see Usher, and she.

Tweeted and response to you, since scores two points in game four, thinks she's gonna get Usher tickets?

Oh wow, you gonna take that.

I'm not gonna take that, I responded to.

And I know you saw that. Okay? Is this like playful rivalry?

This is for sure?

I like that, yes, just like we haven't seen that before in the w NBA. Just like even like the rivalry between the Liberty and you. But it's so you guys respect each other on such a level.

For sure. It's like when you gotta saying or you got cousins that you grew up with, like you rag on each other, you joke on each other, but you love them, got you got you.

You're not working on a new unscripted comedy series called The Sid and TP Show.

Are you trying to take my job?

No?

Talk me about your show? So uh.

The log line is like two w NBA benchwarmers who try to become the face of the league even though nobody asks them to, and it's just hilarious.

There's a lot of.

Like Man on the Street type stuff, a few like sketches that we do, and else just anybody who knows our personalities or have seen us like on the Asist Social I think they'll enjoy it.

You gotta have me on season two. We're hoping for it. Let's go, Yes, come on on Food Channel.

We wanna take a quick break, but we're right back after this.

That's our show for tonight.

But before we go, please consider supporting the Bronx Defenders. They are a public defender nonprofit that is radically transforming how low income people in the Bronx are represented in the justice system. If you can, please donate the link below.

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you.

Get your podcasts.

Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmounth.

Plus this has been a Comedy Central podcast.

Ye