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I remember my first night on the show. It was while I auditioned on I think a Friday, and they told me come back four days later with.
A suit because they had no money to pay for the suits.
And luckily I had one suit because I had gotten married a few months earlier. And I came back with the suit and the day was bonkers. I arrived and oddly enough, it was the day Crimea was invaded.
And I know we actually know where that place is now because I didn't that morning.
And I showed up and I went to this morning meeting, which is.
An amazing thing at the Daily Show.
So many funny, thoughtful people in a room, and I get thrown in there in such a welcoming place. And there's John Stewart, somebod I've watched since I was very little. He's very old and decrepit also very short, small man wise beyond his years.
But many years.
We were talking about crime and all of these things, and they're like, Jordan, you're gonna do a chat. You're gonna do that tonight. We're gonna talk about this. Let's go and you bring some ideas for the chat. I remember they bring me into John's office, like right after the meeting.
I'm very nervous. I don't know how this day works.
And we sit down and John starts talking about not only what happened, but essentially he's talking about the commentary that's been written in the morning, about what already happened in that room. And I'm sitting across from him with a few other people. Jen flans is over there right now, EP show runner, she's in that room as well.
He's the best. And there's a.
Reason these shows can still run like they do with a different host every week. It's because of the team that we have here at the Daily Show. And I remember John's He's talking about all these things with crime and I just keep thinking, I don't know where Crimea.
I don't know.
And then we usher off and we brainstorm jokes and bits around the Crimea invasion and it's fun.
It's a wild day. The chat comes up and you go into.
A rewrite right before you come on out there and you go one last time over it, and the process for a chat. Essentially, the idea of this chat was John is throwing to their first time correspondent who's in Crimea and he's overwhelmed by the experience. Truth in comedy, it's always the best way to go. And I remember in the rewrite, you're in this small room and you're throwing jokes out there, and John opened up, like, how
would you react here? And I said, I'd say like, I don't want to disappoint you, dad, And it made him laugh because that's how I was feeling in the room in that moment. I don't want to disappoint you, dad. And it was like, that's good. That was the first joke I got on the show. And he was like, all right, we ready to do this. And you don't waste time at the Daily Show when you like print the script. It's like, great, We're on in twenty minutes, and so he comes out.
I go back.
My brain is spinning, and I've been doing comedy and entertainment for fifteen years but never had to break anywhere near this. Been living in poverty up until this point. I'm like, holy shit, I'm on the Daily Show. I'm about to be on the Daily Show. I'm looking through the script, looking through the script. John comes out, I'm right back there and I'm looking through the script, looking through the script. He says, like, we have something special
happening today. We have a new correspondent. We don't have that very often. I'm getting nervous and born to run. Starts to play, which was the song he always played before he came out, and then he's like, guys, ready for a good show.
They say yes. He says, welcome to the Daily Show and.
He runs back and we had just had this little one one on one moment. He just says, don't fuck it up, and I remember like he came back out there and right back there like tears.
Because it was so much this industry is.
It's hard, it's tough, and you're rarely in such supportive rooms like this, and for every break that you get, ten other people don't get it, who are worthy of that exact same break. And in that moment, I was like, there's so much emotion right now in this space and tears.
I'm like, you can't grow. You're right ta me in three minutes.
Pulling it all together, coming on out and nervously doing my first chat from right over there. So to get a chance to be here on a day like today with you and share that it's real SPACTIM.
Thank you for more in the story.
We're joined by our new senior Caucasian correspondent, Jordan Klepper. Jordan, thank you for joining us on the programmer, Chris Jordan, welcome to the show. First of all, we're excited to have you.
You are in Crimea.
Obviously you have studied this region for years.
Yes, that is true.
Okay, As you know, the Crimean Peninsula is ethnically Russian. Now, it's important to remember a peninsula is a land mass surrounded on three sides by water, on like an.
Island or an isthmus.
Now, the Crimean Peninsula is dependent on Russia for most of their natural resources.
Actually, they're dependent on the Ukraine for most of their natural resources.
Right right, stupid, I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. I'm not going to fail you dad, John.
It's all right, Jordan, it's fine, Okay, Relax.
How are the people feeling.
They're scared, John, real, scared, little sweaty.
Because they have ties to both the Ukraine and Russia.
Is that?
Uh sure?
I mean if you had asked them a week ago, would you like to be a part of Russia, they would have been like, yes, Russia is my favorite I'd love to join Russia.
I watched Russia every night.
But now they don't know what they've gotten themselves into, you know, and they think maybe I've gotten.
A little bit in over my head.
Just say it's fine, you're doing fine, stay focused. What have you learned so far today?
Well, you have to dial nine to get an outside line.
Lunch is at one.
And if I keep my head down here for a couple of years, I've got a real shot at my own sitcom on NBC.
Uh.
You were talking about Crimea. Yeah, I'm blowing it. No, you're blowing and everything's fine. You're in Crimea.
Yes, Now, obviously it's daybreak there.
Oh, actual, I'm gonna stop you there, John, it's six fifteen at night, although obviously we are pretending it's eleven fifteen, which in Crimea is six fifteen in the morning where I'm supposed to be Dad. I am so sorry.
No, and you're so sorry. You're not. You're doing great, Okay.
There's don't there's almost nothing you can do to mess up one of these reports, trust.
Me, thank you. That's oh, I mean.
This is this is kind of a big deal for me.
John.
You know this means a lot to me and my parents are watching at home, you know, and say clean and sober Jordan, you know, and that record will get expeed.
Just keep to it, work hard.
I think you could go back to CRIMEA.
Yes you got it, Boss, Live from CRIMEA.
Nobody will be ride by.
Let's start with some breaking news.
Apparently widespread line and deceit may have some consequences.
And we are back with our breaking news coverage. Just as opening statements were set to begin in what was going to be a historic trial Dominion Voting Systems suing Fox for defamation, lawyers on both sides reached a settlement, an absolutely enormous settlement. A lawyer for Dominion announced that Fox would be paying Dominion and seven hundred and eighty seven million, five hundred thousand dollars.
Wow.
Wow, seven hundred and eighty seven million dollars. That is a ton of money and Fox was already strapped for cash. Tucker Carlson can only afford one facial expression. Look, I'm glad there's some accountability here, but still I'm pretty disappointed.
We're not going to get a trial.
Because all the Fox anchors would have been forced to testify. It would have been like the Seinfeld finale, but instead of instead of soup Nazis, it's just.
Nazi. Since Fox is gonna.
Have to pay nearly a billion dollars, they'll need to implement cost cutting measures. Sadly, they have to fire Brian kill Mead's reading tutor, Janine Piro, has to switch to the cheap box of wine. Development on a third Deucey has been halted. They're going to have to switch from Jesse Waters to Tap Waters, and of course they're going to have to put down Sean Hannity. This weekend was the National NRA Convention, also known as Cargo Pants Comic
Con or the Westminster Stepdad Show. Now, people like to stereotype NRA members as gun obsessed whack jobs who want to arm little babies. And the thing about stereotypes is sometimes they're spot on.
I've got three kids, two son in laws, and did you know that I'm also a grandmother, not just once, but twice, have two beautiful grandchildren, little miss Addie who is almost two, in Branch who's just a few months old. Now Addie, who you know soon will need them, I want to reassure you she already has a shotgun. And she already has a rifle. And she's got a little pony named Sparkles too, So the girl is set up.
Wow, So the governor of South Dakota ragging about her two year old granddaughter owning guns bolds. When my kid was little, I was covering outlets, locking cabinets, and cutting grapes in a half because they might be a choking hazard. Christineaam is like, here's a shotgun. You're on watch tonight, sick a six sepper taraus. Look, I know liberals and conservatives don't agree un much, but can we agree that you should not own a gun if you don't know how to poop in a ponty?
Hello?
Although it is adorable that she has a pony named Sparkles, in fact, you'll excuse me for a second, I need to address Sparkles directly. Sparkles, this will not end well for you. These people are clearly insane.
Ron while you still can, there is no time for goodbyes. Go go my friend, go.
Yeah, okay, Look, look to be clear, To be clear, I'm not bringing up Christy Nome just to make fun of her grandkids.
I would never do that. They've got guns.
I'm bringing up Christy Nome because she gave us a great insight into what creates the worldview of an NRA member.
My dad taught us life lessons. He taught us common sense, and often those who were taught during our hunting trips. For instance, I remember being only about nine or ten years old and we had hunted all day, miles and miles from camp in the high Country and the Big Horn Mountains, when my dad turned to me and he said, Christy, hunt your way back to camp. I'm going to go around this ridge and I'll meet you there at dark
and he disappeared over the ridge. Now to a ten year old girl, this was terrifying, and as strange noises came and darkness fell, I had to rely on my instincts and my horse to find my way back to our tent. Now years later, Mom shared with me that my dad had followed me at a safe distance all the way back to camp to make sure that I
got there safe. Now, before you get all warm and fuzzy on him, I also want to tell you that he made bare noises the whole time he was following me, scratching trees and growling abby.
So you know.
What an adorable story about alcoholism. Excuse me one second, seriously, sparkles.
This family is nuts. Get out of there, trust no one.
Let's move on to something else that's quintessentially American people losing their shit on airplanes.
We turned out to a Southwest passenger's outburst over a crying baby that forced the plane to land before its destination.
This morning.
It's a mid air mildown of epic proportion to board one Southwest flight, not just from the baby on board, but also from an adult passengers.
Jim King with baby in a goddamn echo Chambery.
You want to talk to me about being okay, okay, because you're good? Yell. So he's baby, So is the baby.
I don't care what the situation is. That is never a strong argument. Oh oh so a baby can poopin's pants in public. But I'm getting thrown out of this DJ Max.
Yeah, this guy totally lost it.
I mean, somebody should have checked their emotional baggage.
At Southwest. That's an extra fifty bucks.
Other states are waging kind of wars against different, you know, parts of their population. I think a lot of politicians just want to pick fights and get headlines, and whether it's picking a fight with Mickey Mouse or moving backwards to the early nineteen hundreds, it's so much easier to show up and to listen to people and know what
really matters. So we're trying to make Michigan a place where every business can thrive and every person has rights and freedoms to make their own decisions and to live the life they want and be successful here in Michigan.
You're progressive on guns, on abortion rights. It feels like the Michigan hand. It's a welcoming hand.
It is. It's freedom.
It's freedom.
If Michigan has a hand, what is Florida? It looks like a what I mean, it looks.
Like Okay, I'm not going there.
I'm just saying, and it's one peninsula.
It's one peninsula that's urinating on our democracy at times, your words by words. Luckily, there are people out there doing the hard work of real investigative journalism, people like Bruce Willingham. He runs the McCurtain Gazette News out of
middle of nowhere, Oklahoma. Now, Bruce suspected that the local sheriff and other officials were doing we're doing county business after meetings ended, so he secretly recorded them and when he played the tape back, he heard them talking about him and his son, who was also a reporter, and it was not flattering.
The recordings captured the group talking about hiring hitmen to kill the reporters and where the bodies could be hidden.
I know because hit was.
Very clods.
And person, I don't where two big d poles are here in Native and these are not.
Oh holy shit, you can't threaten to kill journalists in a council meeting. Keep that ship on Twitter like a normal person.
Although you can tell.
That some people were a little more integral to this plot than others, because one guy was like I know two hitmen and another guy like, and I know two holes. Thanks for the contribution, Larry, Well, let you know if we need to use your connection with the holes. And by the way, how strapped for time are people in this town that they have to predig murder holes? Are you so freaking busy that you can't do the hole
after you do the murder? Or maybe it's like carrying an umbrella, like the day you don't have the hole is when you end up killing someone. Now, look, it would be bad enough if plotting to throw local journalists into holes, pre dug or otherwise. It was all that the county sheriff and his friends were caught doing on these tapes. But guess what they moved on to something else.
On that same audio recording, the people talking shared their dismay that lynching black people is no longer acceptable.
Today.
Does take a damn wood, the Dolman, the sale out, roam a mud creek and hung them up with the dam roe.
Can't wow?
Someone tell these cops that they have the right to remain silent. And you could tell this thing was going to go badly as soon as they said back in the day, no sentence in the South ever goes well after the phrase back in the day.
It's never like back in.
The day we lived in a rich, multicultural tapestry. What's crazy is these reporters weren't even looking for racism and assassination plots. They were hoping to catch improper meeting procedures. It's like if you put a security camera up in the office to see which employee was stealing your yogurts, and you caught them doing a human sacrifice, you'd be like, oh my god, I've stumbled upon the most unholy rituals and.
Oh my god, there ready mute your body.
You're gonna hopefully sell that inside. So g need a license? Can you just kind of go to the gun show and.
You've tried to find somebody wants to buy it, or you find what you want to.
Buy, and then if somebody's like, I'm interested, I'll buy it.
Then what do you do?
First of all, you kind of like look him over?
Is that what a background check?
Is?
Here?
Intulsent?
I mean, this isn't where people are going to come to maliciously get guns.
Mostly why not?
I guess if I was like I need to get a gun quick to do bad shit, this is actually exactly where I would come.
How much is that going for about non owner?
What if I came up there and was like, I don't know, I've had a little bit of a rough day. My wife just broke up with me, I'm a feeling a little on edge. How much for your gun?
Well, I ain't gonna say it to somebody looks stupid, you know, or it looks like he's like crazy as shit.
You know, what if I say the words of somebody who's crazy as shit, But I look composed like I do right now, I'd probably sell it to you now. I don't want to spend every day this week talking about guns, but this is America, and it's not giving me a choice. Because maybe you've noticed that a lot of this week's gun violence had something in common.
They are the things that happen all the time. I'm mixed up address, pulling into the wrong driveway, or confusing one car from another, he had, remarkably for a third.
Time in a week.
Seemingly innocent moments of confusion have led to bloodshed from Kansas City, where a teen who approached the wrong doorstep is recovering from two bullet wounds, to New York State, where a twenty year old woman was fatally shot after the car she was in accidentally drove up the wrong driveway, and now in Elgin, Texas, a high school cheerleader has been shot and seriously wounded after her friend apparently approached the wrong car.
Police say Peyton Washington and Heather Roth were in a parking lot when Roth opened a car she thought was one of their own and saw a man inside. Roth says the man started firing as she was apologizing does.
Anyone else watching these stories feel like they're losing their goddamn minds? I mean, call the old fashion. Whatever happened to asking a person one f question? Are you confused about why a stranger is at your house? Before you open fire, open your mouth and just ask them?
Can I help you? It's not that hard. Look, I.
Know you have Second Amendment rights, America, but you also have First Amendment rights.
Used them.
They were paying attention to them. Now we pay attention now because a few of them happened in one week. But what's wild is these wrong place shootings happen all the time because America is a country where every day too many people are armed, scared, and end up using lethal force because Google Maps didn't update.
I mean, what does it.
Say when the most dangerous job in America is Jehovah's witness?
You know what? You know how bad things have gotten.
Remember that couple in Saint Louis and mccloskey's a couple of years ago. They went out onto their front yard and pointed their guns at protesters, and they.
Got a lot of shit for it.
You know what, They didn't fire on anybody, And I never thought I'd say this, but please America be more like these gun nuts. We haven't been showing men what they should be, and that matters to young boys who are looking for an identity, for a narrative about what it means to be a man, and that vacuum is being filled by people with the worst possible idea of manhood.
Former kickboxer and Big Brother contestant Andrew Tate, infamous for being the self proclaimed King of Toxic Masculinity, takes core message centers around the belief that masculinity is in the crosshairs and he's defending it.
His target audience, young men.
This whole idea of being toxicly masculine is complete garbage.
The most dangerous men on earth are the weak men. Feel feel feel feeling.
Leave the feelings to the girls, right, that's what they do. We act, We're men of action.
Empowering females is the easiest way to weaken the will of men. Study study, study, give up your whole life in school, then you good to be a doctor.
You can't even buy a mother sports car.
The problem with most of you is I am sitting here with my sunglasses, bald head of millions of dollars nearly the.
Unmatched fighting skills. I am Morpheus.
I need action.
I need constant chaos in my life to feel content.
I need to be driving a supercar and fighting a bunch of champagne going crazy.
Okay, okay, okay, we get it.
You have a small penis. Even through the video, you can tell this guy wears too much cologne. And by the way, not to tarnish his sparkling image. But Andrew Tait is currently under investigation for human trafficking. I know it's always the first one you suspect.
Now, maybe you don't know Andrew Tate.
Maybe you're thinking, who is this porn parody Vin Diesel. You may not know him, but trust me, your sons do.
With over thirteen billion views on TikTok, Tate's rhetoric is moving from online to the classroom.
So I'm a teacher and I teach six grade female of a young.
Eleven year old boys that told me that they love Andrew Tait is ridiculous.
One teacher says she hears bleet and misogyny from the boys in her class, hearing them say that girls belong in the kitchen and only exist for reproduction, and another claiming they talk about alpha's in sixth grade.
Now.
One teacher in South London noticed that his students we're partying Tate's ideology. About a third of the thirty students in the class passionately argue that women were responsible for their own sexual assaults.
One of Tate's top lines.
Wow, times have really changed.
When I was in sixth grade, the most toxic role model for boys was Michelangelo hates pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner. That turtle doesn't give up. Seriously, how can you be misogynistic in sixth grade? It's like the one year in life where all the girls are bigger than you. I wouldn't be running my mouth about Alison if Allison could hang me by my underwear on the flag pole.
The solution to this problem is not to cancel. Entertate inner pole is probably gonna do that for us, because even if he disappeared, Even if he disappeared, someone else would take his place and spew toxic shit at young boys just as well, and social media algorithms would pump it into young boys eyes and ears just as fast. Because that's really all this is about. Entertaate is not interested in being a role model. He wants clicks for money.
He doesn't want to raise your son. He's taken Dad's seat at the table, but he's really the loudmouthed uncle, that uncle who seems cool when you're a kid, but when you grow up you realize living in a hotel is not a vacation.
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