You're listening to Comedy Central show time Way for the Daily Show. My name is John Stuart.
We have a fabulous show for you tonight. I'm not you know what I'm not gonna do tonight. I'm not gonna overthink it. Honestly, I'm just gonna come out here like Pacino at the Oscars, I'm just gonna mumble. If you weren't there it, Eventually you'll figure out what I.
Was getting at. It's fine. The big event we need to talk about.
It's the Oscars of politics, the State of the Union address last Thursday night, Joseph Raising.
That Biden the twelve.
He had the unenviable task of having to lay out his vision for the nation, whilst also demonstrating that he is not too old, not too tired to be the President of the United States, and that he wouldn't rather just tie thousands of balloons to the White.
House and had to paradise balls.
And so President Biden entered the House Chamber, navigating through our divided Congress and barely barely barely getting past the bridge troll who guards the bodio.
What say you, sir, I say to the American people, when America gets knocked down, we get back up. My message of President Putina I've known for a long time is simple.
We will not walk away burning books.
It's wrong.
I say, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it pass universal backgrounds.
Send me to border Bell.
Now.
The state of argument is strong and getty stronger.
Which one of you princks wants to fight? Put up your dukes Biden's back, baby.
I know that all the haters have been out there talking their shit.
He's too old, he's too weak. He can't make it. He won't be understand.
Oh, I see you haters. I know who you are. Really you know. We said in rehearsal, can you give me a prettier mirror? At boy? Boy? Did they deliver?
That?
Is?
Of course, by the way, State of the Union was just the Democratic message.
Would that message survive?
Would that message survive a concise and intelligent rebuttal? We're ahead of it.
What happened to happen on Thursday? I should read the whole thing, though I shouldn't.
Would it survive a concise and intelligent rebuttal from the GOP or whatever it was that Alabama Senator Katie.
Britt to the kitchen batman our families are hurting. Our country can do better. President Biden's border policies are a disgrace. Mister President, enough is enough.
End this crisis and stop the suffering. We see you, we hear you, and we stand with you.
If you're going to stand with me, could you stand a little bit further away. I imagine one of her kids just came downstairs and was like, I'm sorry, Mom, I just came down to get a bowl of cereal. I didn't realize you were losing your mind. I'll come back when the Zannies kick came.
Now.
Look, everybody's had a bit of a go at Senator Britt because her rebuttal was objectively terrible.
But there was one moment in a rebuttal.
That didn't get as much attention that I thought was quite interesting.
We are the party of hard working parents and families, so I am asking you, for the sake of your kids and your grandkids, get into the arena. Never forget we are steeped in the blood of patriots who overthrew the most powerful empire in the world.
Two things.
One who smiles when they say the line steeped in the blood of patriots and number two This is just one more entry in the Republican mythology that they are the inheritors of the American revolutionary tradition, that they somehow are more American y than non Republican Americans.
We are the party of the real American people, real America, where people work hard, they're patriotic.
They don't want to transform America like the Democratic Party wants to do.
This liberal bubble in New York or you know, in California.
That don't understand where real Americans are at.
The Democrat elite very simply hate America.
I don't think they hate America. They hate room temperature.
Yoga is really Yoga's closed me very hot.
Just out of curiosity, what is it about the Republican Party that makes it americinnier than the rest of us?
Where the party and ideology of the Constitution.
Every decision that I make starts with asking the questions is this constitutional?
I believe in this document.
I carry it with me next to my heart because I refer to it daily.
As we all know, the Constitution starts with the three most important words outside the Bible, we the People, the power of we the people, We.
The people, the Constitution, We believe in it.
They do not.
Do you rip it up? That was your copy.
You said that that's what they do. When you did it, you ripped.
It out like Shinad O'Connor's, like I believe in the Pope. But oh yes, it's an article of faith that Republicans love the Constitution. They give speeches in front of the Constitution. They cover their buses in the Constitution. They dress up like the people who wrote the Constitution.
Do you communists.
With your unconstitutioned buses and zero cornered hats.
That's why these patriots love Donald Trump, for he alone will restore the rule of.
Law in our constitutional public.
Trump's lawyer claimed the president has a legal license to murder his American political rivals.
Just gonna just gonna check my foot on.
It's gonna check, hime.
I actually keep my heart next to my Constitution.
That's how important. My hands are shaking. I'm so nervous.
I don't see anything in here about assassinating your political rivals.
Here it is hold on, I asked.
It says the president must faithfully execute Well, I think.
We're done here. The laws of a land. Never mind why I don't want to be a nitpicker, but I do not remember.
The assassination episode of Schoolhouse Rock. Under the constitution, wouldn't you get in some trouble for that?
I feel that as a president you have to have immunity, very simple.
Yes, it is the bedrock American constitutional principle. The president must be above the law, out of reach of the law. Look forget the constitution. Accountability to the law of the land is basic. Magna cartas shit. Keep him tiny magna carta in my you know what, I'm sorry, this is just a flip book. Hold on, Oh, dog's never going to catch that car. Maybe they like Trump because he's more of Bill a rights guy.
President Trump attacking the First Amendment and freedom of the press.
You take the writer and or the publisher of the paper a certain paper, and you know, and you say, who is the laker national security? And they say, we're not going to tell you. They say it's okay, you're.
Going to jail.
And when this version realizes that he is going to be the bride of another presider, very sure.
I believe it was Thomas Jefferson who.
Our liberty depends on the freedom of the press, though obviously, as with any right there is.
Some wiggle room for non consensual aspect.
Don't blame me, that's Jefferson. He said that, Thomas Jefferson.
Look it up. Hold on, let me get.
But that's the press, the press of the enemy of the people. How does Trump feel about freedom of assembly?
He says, can't you just shoot them? Just shoot them in the legs or something. And he's suggesting that we should do that. We should bring in the troops and shoot the protesters.
The Commander in chief was suggesting that the US military shoot protesters.
Yes, in the streets America or Nations capital. That's right.
Well, they'd still be free to assemble, just the assembly would be more of a.
Pile, that's all.
But that's just hearsay from Trump's secretary of Defense at the time.
Look, how about the Fifth Amendment? Due process?
Very simply, if you rob a store, you can fully expect to be shot as you are leaving that store.
What are we doing?
You know, I'm pretty sure that shooting a guy on suspicion of stealing a pair of khakis violates not only the Constitution, but the Ten Commandments and the Gap Employee Handbook. All right, I promise you that is the end of the things in my jacket. Now we've had our fun dancing around the former president's rather eccentric interpretations of our country's founding document. May I offer you something more explicit.
I only want to be a dictator for one day, just so you know, that is how it starts.
I'm not saying anybody has to do the arm salute.
Let's just start with a few people doing the arms saluke, and we'll see if the arm salute catches on. Ignoring the Bill of Rights, tearing up the Constitution, pining for a brief stint.
As a dictator, well that settles it.
When the good, patriotic, constitution loving real Americans hear Trump's disrespect and disdain for our sacred constitutional principles, they will be outraged.
I'd really have Donald trumb Is a dictator for four years.
Absolutely, this country needs a dictator.
I hate to say that, but it's the truth.
He could stand on the front steps of the Flit House and and commit murder, and I'm with it.
If he says it, then I'll go with it. And if he wants to be a dictator, then so be it.
This is it.
The Thomas Nast cartoon patriots festooned in American flags, co signing dictatorship.
Remember we the people.
You know.
There's more words after that, right, smaller font, still binding. Look, if you want to love Trump, love them, go to the rallies, buy the sneakers. You want to give him absolute power. You want them to be the leader uber allis. You want them to have the right of kings. You do you, but stop framing it as patriotism, because the one thing you've got out say is that Donald Trump
is following the tradition of the Founders. He is advocating for complete and total presidential immunity his words, not mine. That is monarchy shit, and it's your right to support it. But just do me a favor for historical accuracy. Next time you want to dress up at the rallies, were the right colored coats?
That's what you are.
And I just want to.
Pay you out and I want you to know.
We see you.
First, let's get into our continuing coverage of Indecision twenty twenty four. Let's kick things off with the presidential race. Yesterday, Joe Biden and Donald Trump both secured enough delegates to clinch their party's nomination, making this officially a three men race between Trump, Biden, and natural causes, although there is another candidate in the race who can play a big role, Robert F.
Kennedy Junior.
He's pulling as high as twenty two percent so far, which means he could lose this election more successfully than any third party candidate in years, and soon we'll find.
Out who he'll choose to lose alongside him.
What Kennedy Junior says he has chosen his running mate and will announce his VP pick in the next two weeks. The independent presidential candidate says his short list includes New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers, who came under scrutiny during the pandemic for misleading the public about his vaccination status.
That's right, Aaron Rodgers could be RFK Junior's running mate. This would be the greatest president and vice president pairing of all time, is what I'm assuming.
The measles virus is saying.
A football player in the White House feels like progress. Though we don't need any more aging old men with brain problems.
We need a strong young man with brain problems. I just don't know if Aaron.
Rodgers is qualified to be next in line for the presidency. But I guess we don't have to worry about that. When has a Kennedy ever died unexpectedly?
Don't forget Aaron Rodgers is supposed to be the starting quarterback for the Jets next season, so the question is what's he going to do if the Jets make it to the Super Bowl?
I all don't tell it together.
Almost Meanwhile, RFK isn't the only candidate closing in on a running mate. Donald Trump has also been looking at potential vice presidents. He's focused grouping their appeal, feeling them out on policy, seeing how soft their lips feel on his ass. And this week, one of Trump's leading contenders made a strong, if somewhat unusual bid for the spotlight.
South Dakota Governor Christy nome Is making waves after releasing a video on social media promoting a cosmetic dentist in a different state, Texas.
The team here was remarkable and finally gave me a smile that I can be proud of and confident in. I can be confident when I smile at people and know that they can actually appreciate and see the kindness in my face and the love that I have for them. My husband and I flew down to Houston, got here at two o'clock in the morning, and did an appointment that very next week. I'll be eternally grateful. It has been a gift to be here at Smile Texas.
What is going on here?
Why is the sitting governor doing an ad for veneers and for a dentist in another state? Isn't that insulting to South Dakota. I flew to Texas at two in the morning because these hillbilly dipshits in my state are that bad. Next week I'm going to Florida for a haircut. This is just so cringey. Why is she shilling for Smile Texas when she should be shilling for Westside Dental Spa who do great work. Use CODEZI to get me
twenty five percent off my next cleaning. Having said, I am impressed, this might be the first time a woman has had to fly into Texas to see a doctor.
I do appreciate a politician being so transparent with the fact that they're bought.
You know, they should do this all the time.
My fellow Americans, the state of our union is easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl, Let's move on to the big news of the day. If you're like many Americans, you're on TikTok. In fact, you're probably on it right now while this show plays in the background.
Hey hey, I'm on TV over here.
Pay attention unless you're watching me on TikTok, in which case nice, Thank you. Anyway, TikTok is huge, But if Congress has its way, that's about to change.
We begin this hour with breaking news up on Capitol Hill. Just minutes ago, Houst lawmakers passed a bill that could lead to a ban of the very popular social media platform TikTok here in the United States, and the measure would give the company less than six months to sell to a non Chinese owner. If that doesn't happen, TikTok could be shut down here in the United States.
Lawmakers from both parties warning that China could manipulate the algorithm to spread its own propaganda or.
Data like your browser history and location could be shared with the Chinese government.
This is not an attempt to ban TikTok.
It's an attempt to make TikTok better. T tech toe a winner, a winner, that's.
Right, that's right.
Congress might be banning TikTok or banning tic tac Toe. I'm not sure Nancy Pelosi knows. Also, tic tac Toe winner tic tac Toe is always a tie, unless you're playing with your three year old, then I'm winning three out of five times. But yes, obviously there's a problem with a Chinese app spying on Americans and feeding us propaganda. You want American apps doing that, But is this app
really a Chinese propaganda tool? The most viral TikTok right now is just this chocolate strawberries that has more than seven hundred and ten million views, and there's nothing political about it. I mean, yes, it does make you want to invade Taiwan a little, but aside from that, it's harmless.
What's interesting here is how unpredictable the breakdown of the vote was. Marjorie Taylor Green and AOC voted together against the bill. Nancy Pelosi and Lauren Bobert voted for it, both nightmare blunt rotations, by the way. Meanwhile, Biden's Biden says he'd sign the bill, and Trump has come out against it. The only thing you can really count on is that young people hate it, and TikTok is doing everything it can to mobilize them.
The company has launched an all out lobbying effort, both on the app and here on Capitol Hill.
If you are on TikTok, there's a good chance you've gotten an alert to say, call your member of Congress.
Phones are ringing off the.
Hook in many offices here in Washington.
Little children calling into our office and others business saying questions like what is Congress?
What is a Congressman? Can I have my TikTok back?
That's how you know this issue was important. It forced gen Z to make their very first phone call. And you know, you know, congressmen must have been pissed at teenagers blowing up their phones all day. I mean, well, Matt Gates didn't mind, but rest of them were picked.
Look, I have to say, as an American, it's great that these kids are getting involved in the civic process. You're never too young to start getting ignored by your congressperson. For more on the TikTok band, we go live to Washington, d C. With Ronnie Chang.
Ronnie, what's the feeling up on Capitol Hill.
I'll tell you what the feeling should be. America should be feeling humiliated right now, China made an app so popular that the government has to ban it.
That means communists.
China beat free market America at capitalism.
All right, that's like a whole thing.
America, and you lost.
This is as bad as that time that Asian dude won the hot dog eating contest six times in a row. China beat us so bad at mindless entertainment.
We need the government to save us. Oh no, TikTok's popular. Now, what dicktive to our.
Phones that are also made in China?
Rinnie, Hold on a minute, what choice do our leaders have here? China is using TikTok to influence people.
Oh trust me.
I know before I use TikTok, I was a white guy in Iowa named Mike Sullivan.
Okay, look at me now, is that true?
Is that true?
No, No, idiots, that's just how susceptible we all ought to miss in form. And it doesn't matter what app you use. Okay, I wouldn't be surprised if the next election is swung by uber eats, Like here's a spaghetti vote for Donald Trump. Oh okay, I will whatever you say, mister spaghetti.
All right, Ronnie you're not being fair. Americans aren't gullible. It's that TikTok is an incredibly powerful tool for spreading misinformation.
Yeah, because that misinformation is entertaining. Facebook has just as much misinformation, but it's boring as shit. How am I supposed to get behind conspiracies that come from your great aunt who can't even pop and lock.
Misinformation?
TikTok misinformation is exciting, cool dancers, cute baby animals, tenements square didn't happen.
We're all having fun.
So what America's supposed to just roll over and let TikTok do whatever it wants.
Yes, or America can innovate itself out of this problem. Just make a better app to package American misinfgo nation world. Why because American misinformation is the best in the world. Okay, we got people to storm the Capitol dress as a buffalo. No, Gwyneth Paltrow told me to put an egg in my vagina. American misinformation is straight up turning people into omelets.
That's how powerful it is.
And you know what, we can win this war of misinformation America. Or my name isn't Mike Sullivan?
Wow?
Inspiring Mike sullivant.
Everyone.
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