You're listening to Comedy Central. Welcome Love to the day Show. I am your host, John Stewart. This is the third episode.
This is my third episode.
The first two very controversial. A lot of discourse.
Around it, a lot of carping back and forth, a lot of anger, a lot of commentary.
Tonight, I'm done with it.
Tonight is perhaps in a moose boush, a trifle something light. Tonight we discussed Israel Palace. Are we.
He wrote this?
Well, I legally have to read what's in the prompter. So here we go. We're gonna take a look in our new and probably never ending segment.
Yeah, somehow the audience knew. But tonight.
We discuss Israel Palestine.
You EXCISSI on the Israel of houns. That is nothing to do it, So justify all the actions of yourself. Mentions the mouth of the field.
Codemous, be not mean.
We don't codemn homunts.
Don't listen to the segment if you're presupposed to sences of mowais on feet, comsidefects, dicussing the least our press, anxiety, infections of the pair and the m and crave humss.
Well, folks, this is an awful situation.
We're coming off on five months of a brutal bombing campaign brought on by a horrific massacre and hostage taking, and we seem no closer to ending anything but the reigns of a couple of Ivy League presidents. Well, this weekend Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin netanya who finally laid out his plan for.
Peace, Benjamin Netanyah, who is calling for complete demilitarization of Gaza as well as Israel taking over security and controlling entry and exit points to Gaza.
So your peace plan is a siege, a military sege. You really think a military solution ends this cycle?
Victory is within reach and you can't have victory until you eliminate Kamas.
But okay, but your plan to eliminate Hamas by destroying all of Gaza, doesn't.
That just make more Hamasis? Is that the plural of us?
HUMMUSI? I mean it's an idea. Palciti liberation is an idea unless you have a bomb that kills ideas? Do you have a bomb that kills ideas? I mean, how long would it even take to bomb the shit out of an idea?
The intense phase of the fighting is weeks away from completion, not months weeks away from completion.
Oh, dear God, if you insist on this plan, if you think that ends hamas, I believe, we in the United States have a banner you can use. It's a little wind damaged, but equally delusional. Look, the United States is Israel's closest ally, Israel's big brother in the Fraternity of Nations, Israel's work emergency contact. Maybe it's time for the US to give Israel some tough moral love.
This is shameful.
There has to be accountability for these war crimes.
No targeting civilians in war.
Stop the war crimes and the atrocities, and end the war today.
It could happen right now.
Right now, thank you. These atrocities.
So I'm being told the administration was talking about Russia bombing Ukraine. I apologize, also a war crime. But I'm sure they're giving equally stern advice to Israel.
The Bide administration is urging Israel to be much more careful, to be more cautious.
How Israel does this matters.
Israel must do more to protect innocent civilians.
We want to see the government of Israel take steps to minimize civilian harm.
Be more surgical and more precise, and more careful.
He Israel darker Durner nurse, could you please be more careful with your bombing.
It's good advice, but really couldn't the.
United States have told Israel that when we gave them all the bombs, when there are bombs, this is like your coke dealer coming in with an eight ball and going, don't stay up all night.
Don't sleep is very important. You gotta sleep, you.
Don't wanna, and breakfast is an important part of the day.
So look, the Israeli position doesn't seem so tenable. Perhaps I can find some diplomatic leeway in the Hamas position.
Israel is a country that has no place on your land.
You must remove that country.
Does that mean the annihilation of Israel?
Yes, of course I cannot find diplomatic leeway in the Hamas position. Well, this is when we need the world, the civilized world of nations, to come together and stop this madness.
A resolution calling for an immediate cease firing Gaza has just failed to pass.
Are You in Security Council drop resolution throughout aid delivery has been.
Vetoed, Russia and China used their veto against an American resolution condemning Helmas.
The immediate ceasfiring in Gaza has failed. Western Nations voted against it. It was delayed four times.
This week draft resolution has not been adopted.
Why do you even have a freaking building?
Why? Why do you we can use that, we have a housing crisis.
Give us building right?
What is what is the United Nations even?
What?
Are you just a support system for a diverse.
Pleasing food court.
What are you.
That cannot be the UN's food court? By the way, that is that is clearly just the mall in Long Island. Doesn't anyone care about the suffering of all these civilians? What about a good neighbor? Saudi Arabia and notally.
The Palestinian cause is the air world's most import cause.
I want to see a good life for the Pedestinians. Thank you, Saudi Ara, thank you. And while Saudi Arabia does not accept Palestinian refugees and Egypt doesn't either for that matter, the Saudis are the richest country in the region and they've given.
This can't be right?
On average about two hundred million dollars a year to the Palestinians.
Jesus, are you kidding me?
The Saudis have given just as much money to Phil Mickelson. Is that true?
I assume, I assume.
To promote the equally important cause of the Nickelsonian people. So Israel, the United States, the United Nations, the Arab nations. No one seems to be incentivized to stop the suffering of the innocent people in this region. I didn't want to bring this up, but there is another player, small religious startup out of Bethlehem. I think it might have begun as a carpenter's union, but has gotten big. Did they have a plan for the Middle East?
There will be the Battle of Armageddon. Jesus Christ is going to sweep over that battle field and to annihilate that army of two hundred million people.
The blood will float the bridle of a horse.
So that's the plan for the principiece.
Is that all?
I am not in a questrian expert, but if the blood goes all the way to the.
Bridle, that's an enormous amount of blood. Unless are we talking about the mini horses, because that's still it's a lot of blood, but more manageable and adorable, but I think I think we have to get real here.
The status quo cycle of provocation and retribution is predicated on some idea that one of these groups is going to go away, and they are not. If we want a safe and free Israel and a safe and free Palestine, we have to recognize that reality. And I know that there is a twisted and much contested history in the region that has brought us to this point. But we are at this point and anything we do from here
has to look forward. So tonight, lucky you, I'm going to do that with not one, not two, but three Solutions for peace.
Number one, Along the shores of Pleasant Lake in Maine, ninety five Israeli and Palestinian teams are trading rockets.
For rackets, not The goal of Seeds of Peace is to open these young minds. Okay, that one hasn't been scaled up yet and may take longer than we have unless we just bring the whole region to Maine. How fast can we make fourteen million rackets?
But that's just my opening offer. That was just one peach plant. People don't abandon me yet.
No.
Two, Let's just ask God. It's his house. He's the one who started all this. Just ask God. He can tell us who is right?
Is it the Jews? Is it the Muslims? Is it the Zoroastrians? If it's the scientologists, a lot of us are gonna have egg on our faces. But given God's lack of communication over this past, let's say millennia. All right, here's another one, and heaven forbid, I actually think this last one could work, starting now, no preconditions, no earned us, no partners for peace. Israel stops bombing Hamas, releases the hostages.
The Arab countries who claim Palestine as their top priority come in and form a demilitarized zone between Israel and a free Palestinian state, the Saudist Egypt, UAE Cutter Jordan. They all form like a NATO arrangement, guaranteeing security for both sides. Obviously, they won't call it NATO. It's the Middle East Treaty Organization.
It's me too. It's let's sweet it out me too, tonight.
People, let's get this region me too. Now. Obviously I have not worked out the exact verbiage, but anything is better than the cluster cycle we have now, because honestly, what is the alternative.
The trump of God sounds and the rapture happened. We're gone in the twinkling of a nine, which is simply not here.
Poof Indeed, Sir.
Poof, Indeed, Let's kick things off with an update on the war in the Middle East. With the situation increasingly desperate, the world has been looking to the United States for a way forward, and yesterday President Joe Biden had some good news, although he delivered it in the most Joe Biden way possible.
Can you give us a second way?
You think that he finally.
Started, Well, I hope by the beginning of the weekend, I mean the end of the weekend at least my not security advisor tells me that we're close.
We're closer.
Not the most dignified way to deliver a world changing news. It does remind me of the photo of Obama's team watching that bin ladenrad while making balloon animals. Now, in Joe Biden's defense, he had the ice cream first. It's not like they asked him about Gaza and he said, hold on, if we're going to talk.
About war, I got to get a mint ship.
No, he was in an ice cream store about to eat ice cream and some reporter jumped in and said, what about Gaza. This is why I don't think we should have a free press personally, I don't think anyone should be asked about Israel Palestine while.
They're eating ice cream. I thought that was like an unwritten rule.
I'm holding a tiny cylinder topped with a giant, misshapen dairy blob that immediately starts melting on all sides. I've got one tiny little napkin. For some reason, you think Israel Palestine is a crisis. I'm dealing with something here.
I'll tell you what.
If I was a politician, I would always have an ice cream with me, just to cram in my mouth in case I got asked about Israel Palestine. It's not a good strategy for Mitch McConnell, though, that guy already.
Has brain freeze Kobe.
Now, despite Biden's prediction, both of US and Israel say they're not actually close to a ceasefire. But I'm not surprised that Biden was so optimistic. When you're holding a freshly scooped ice cream.
Cone, everything feels like it's gonna be okay.
That's why it's the official food of telling your kid you're getting a divorce.
Ice cream. It is your fault, kiddo.
Yeah.
So I don't blame Biden for talking about that stuff while he was eating ice cream.
What I do blame him for is why does he open his mouth so early in the process.
I don't know about you, but I typically open my mouth when the food gets there.
A lot of prep time. And he did one other thing that I found pretty disturbing. That is, we've got name shed dude. The sneeze guard is there for a reason.
Republicans are right, Biden doesn't really respect borders. Impeach, impeach, although I will say I am impressed by how flexible his shoulders are.
Yeah, I didn't think he could do that based on what I've.
Heard from John Stewart, you would think his arms would just fall right off. Well, let's move on to the other side of the aisle, because over the weekend, Republicans gathered for Seapack, the Conservative Political Action Conference. It's like Woodstock for people who hate anybody who went to Woodstock.
And if you think the whole.
Weekend was just them saying that Trump really won the twenty twenty election, no no, no, no no.
They were also singing it. Does anyone have any Molly? I want to overdose.
If the lyrics are too subtle for you. I like how her dress gets the point across what she's saying. Oh, I see Trump one.
But look. Seapac isn't just the best rock concert of all time.
It's also an important way to find out what the current conservative priorities are. And based on the titles of this weekend's panel discussions, it's going to be a fun.
Year Seapack twenty twenty four. Where globalism goes to die, Ladies and gentlemen.
Does Congress even matter?
Would Moses go to Harvard?
What you're talking about?
Fanny willis shooting from the hip, going full hunger stopping. Georgie Soros survival uncanceled. God loves Justice, God's children are not for sale. Babies are us putting our heads in the gas stove.
Seems like you guys might be inhaling some fumes already. Now, it's always good to have panels that sound like categories if Jeopardy had a mental breakdown.
Let's move on to some economic news.
Traditionally, Americans have eaten food at breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but soon that's going to cost you.
Wendy's, the country's second largest burger chain with six thousand locations, announcing that starting next year, menu prices will fluctuate during the busiest times of day, meaning you could be paying as much as a dollar more for that baconator during the lunch rush. Wendy's CEO announcing his company will spend twenty million dollars on high tech digital menu boards that
can update prices in real time. Wendy's telling ABC News in a statement that the decision can allow them to motivate customers to visit and provide them with the food they love at a great value.
Shut the fi. I mean, whoa, You're providing me with food I love at a great value.
Don't you hate when companies try to pretend they're not squeezing every dollar out of us?
Just tell me you want all my money, dude, Okay, don't take my wallet and be like this is good for both of us.
But yeah, it looks like Wendy's is going to charge more during the most popular times. And they call this dynamic pricing or whatever, but really, this is just another tax on people who hate themselves and don't know how to cook, although this will be good for guys looking to impress girls. Hey you want to go to Wendy's during the lunch rush?
Ooh all right?
Playah, Well, let's face facts. This is the way of the future.
Airlines and hotels and Uber already do this, And if Wendy's pulls this off, there's no reason why every restaurant, hell, every place of business won't be using surge pricing. Soon the emergency room will be like, look, you didn come back at two am. Fixing those stab wounds will be a lot cheaper. So if you agree with me that this has to stop, there's only one natural conclusion. You need to burn down a Wendy's right now, and you also need to say it was your idea.
That's important.
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