Jon Stewart's Fox News Takedowns

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Yesterday, I'm having my usual afternoon down at the Orphanage. I was making soup and darning clothes. Fox News is on in the kid's day room, and.

I see this.

Tonight, Steward slams Fox again.

I said it before, and I'll say it again yourselves now.

Bernie Goldberg fires back at the funny man. Don't miss an explosive O'Reilly. Tonight.

I was like, oh man, that funny man is screwed.

And then I was like, wait, that's me.

I don't want to be fired back.

Hut you see funny story.

Last week?

I mentioned Fox was upset about the media generalizing who the tea parties are, and I.

Agree with them.

And I may have at that point then shown some of the very same people at Fox giddily generalizing about liberals in the left, and I might have, when presented with this rather bald hypocrisy, I may have told him to go.

All right.

And now they want to respond, all right, what did Bernie Goldberg have to say about me?

So does Stewart have a point here?

Or we being hypocritical by generalizing about some people?

I'll just speak about me. He does, I am pleading guilty, and that's a sincere plea of guilty.

You're welcome. I win again.

But let me speak directly to John Stewart for just a few seconds. And I know he watches He's a big fan of the show.

PTS charged.

I watch it every night with all my friends. Continue, mister Goldberg.

If you just want to be a funny man who talks to an audience that will laugh at anything you say, that's okay with me, no problem. But if clearly you want to be a social commentator more than just a comedian, and if you want to be a good one, you better find some guts.

Okay. Two things.

One, not all of us have your guts, Bernie. It takes a tough man to walk into O'Reilly's lions den and criticize liberal elites.

And two to say.

That comedians have to decide whether they're comedians or social commentation. Comedians do social commentary through comedy. That's how it's worked for thousands of years. I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the newsbox. The news box is moving towards me.

But I assume I'm just doing what idiots like me.

Have done for thousands of years. But I assume that you have evidence that I've betrayed my craft.

When you had Frank Rich on your show, who generalizes all the time about conservatives and Republicans being bigots, you didn't ask him a single tough question. You gave him a lap dance. You practically had your tongue down his throat.

Guilty as show.

Was that televised, I don't want to say anything, but Frank Rich hasn't been on the show since two thousand and six. I mean, since I gave Frank Bridge that lap dance. I don't know if you noticed, but I went back in the champagne room with Bill Crystal like five times. And if you watch this show as it appears you have, you must remember me and McCain and like bunnies.

But I got that.

Besides the point, here's the point. You can't criticize me for not being fair and balanced. That's your slogan, which, by the way, you never follow, which brings us back to the essence of the whole goat yourselves piece.

Guess what, You're not nearly as edgy as you think you are. You're just a safe Jay Leno with a much smaller audience, but you get to say the F bomb.

Okay, that's gonna leave a mark. Yeah, okay, that one's stung.

I'm not gonna lie on that one.

I took that one right in the testicles.

That was Look again, two things.

Whoever said I was edgy, I never said I was edgy. I never thought I was edgy. And number two, if you think I'm Leno with the F bomb, you know less about comedy than you do about media and politics.

This is Leno with the F bomb.

Look, I mean, can you believe it's Typo gets.

Judged, makes that kind of mistake, got a damn second stick you hear me.

With the Michel?

Oh it's so dirty, No, no wonder Prime Time couldn't handle him.

You're just a safe J Leno with a much smaller audience. But you get to say the F bomb, which gives your incredibly unsophisticated audience the illusion, you generalize the illusion that you're courageous, and that's you're renegade.

But it's only an illusion.

Wait wait, I'm.

Not a courageous redicade.

But I've always considered myself the Lorenzo Lamis of Late Night and as far as my audience being unsophisticated.

Boulder Dash, Wait, I'm sorry who said that.

It is our your biggest fan, Toppington von Monocle unsophisticated?

How dare he?

If I may quote Catalis Petticabo ego vos et iramabo.

I'm I'm sorry, mister von Monica, I don't speak Latin.

It means I will sodomize you and face.

You by the way, I thought my audience was elitist.

Are they elitists or unsophisticated or unsophisticated.

In their elitism?

Look, I'm sorry, I told you they go fuck yourself last week and that other time like six months ago, he told you to. I know that I criticized you and Fox News a lot, but only because you're truly a terrible, cynical, disingenuous news organization.

Oh wait, no, no what that's no, that's the wrong approach.

That's the wrong approach.

That's not I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna be confrontational.

I wanna take a minute to talk directly to Bernie Golber.

Baby.

I don't want to fight, baby, and I know you've been hurt before by the liberal.

Elites they've done.

You're wrong, Bernie.

Don't let that close your heart.

Brother.

I don't hate you. I mean you're not Dick Morris.

Yeah, what is wrong with that guy?

Yeah? Seriously, he started to look like that guy from Men in Black, which one you know from the first one, the.

Guy who came down and walked around in other people's kid.

But Shalou, the Vincent Andafrio guy, that's the one.

Yeah, that's right.

Okay.

You see, I've learned people are complicated, Bernie, and hard to categorize.

I mean, I've got some conservative views.

He's a problem military peace to the troops.

I've got some libertarian view legalize it gay marriage.

Uh huh pot uh huh gay pot marriage?

Now you make.

And I know that I can be intarred black tolds. Another wise, don't let this man you at it, Blisses.

And I believe this country should provide some kind of social safety head for our most vulnerable citizens communists. And I also believe power should be passed down to the firstborn son of the reigning king.

Monarchist and I believe in goo.

But I will tell you this, Bernie Goldberg, Oh, Bernie Goldberg.

I will tell you this.

I'm telling you.

I'm telling you, I'm telling you.

Oh yeah, Bernie Golber, you can't criticize my interviews, and.

Yes, they can't be the go here.

That's that's the editing, not funny.

I try to be funny.

Why don't you want to move?

I don't have to talk to watch all the guests movies. My point is this, I'm telling you.

He's got.

He's got a poign he got a pig, now he got a Bernie Goldber. I don't need to satisfy your version of what bear satire is or should be.

I'm not fair, I'm not balanced.

He lost evil. That's not what I meant.

He's Coco logo.

Thank you.

You're criticizing me for.

Not leving to your tagline.

Oh no, and you dismissed any criticism.

Has further evidence of how the rest of the media persecute you. You like to pretend, but to go book at Fox News that the relentless conservative.

Activism of Fox News is the equivalents are the equivalent of the disorganized liberal influence you find out NBC, ABC and CBS Fox News.

You may be able to detect a liberal pathogen in their bloodstream, however faint.

But Fox News is such.

A crazy overreaction to that perceived threat, you like an autoimmune disorder. I'm not saying the virus doesn't exist in some small quantity, but you're producing way too many nivioies.

Fox News.

You're the Lupis of news.

So I guess what I'm saying is this, go as long as fair and balanced is how you sell yourselves.

Guess what I'm saying is this, Yeah.

I think if there's one thing everyone can agree on in the entire country, it's that Barack Obama is the worst president we've had.

In my lifetime.

He's the worst president, the.

Absolute worst president, the worst president in history exactly. Barack Obama is objectively, arithmetically the worst president in history. And that includes our thirtieth president, Calvin Coolio. Remember then, is when America had descended into a.

Bit of a gangster's paradise.

Anyway, Obama's place as the worst president in history explains why he is getting so crushed. President Obama is leading Romney nationally by five points among likely voters.

With support Crushed with support.

Well, Romney's inability to trounce history's worst president was all scheduled to change this week with a very announced campaign reboot, which, as you know, involves mister Romney taking a paper clip and putting it into.

A a whole. I don't want to talk about.

It brings back memories of when I used to have to reboot rough men at the Genius bar Hi. Unfortunately, Rodney's reboot was thrown off just a tad.

There are of the people who are voted the president who are the Tataslan Bevern.

We believe that they are victims who believe that they are entitled to help here.

To food, to housing, to you, entitled to food, medicine, rooves.

That's the Republican candidate for the presidency, seemingly characterizing a broad swath of Americans, which would include veterans, the elderly, the working poor, and much of the middle class as a bunch of lazy free loaders. It touched off a firestorm everywhere, but nowhere more acutely than at romney campaign headquarters, where it triggered something I like to call chaos.

On bullshit Mountain, That.

Sad exploding bullshit dust you've all heard so much about. In the forty eight hours since the Romney video first gained wide exposure, turd containment crews have been working overtime on Bullshit Mountain.

Keep in mind it was posted by a left wing website, Mother Jones.

By the way, put this tape out Mother Jones, the magazine No One Reads.

Hearing word the Jimmy Carter's grandson might have played an instrumental role in getting this video. Oh my god, your campaign got blown up by Jimmy Carter's grandson.

Oh the habitat for humanity.

So word one from Bullshit Mountain is well, yeah, he said it, but you only found out about it because of people that we don't like.

What's word two?

With the way he said it was not the best way of saying something like this, and it was he confused a lot of things.

He messed up in that it's.

Not the great, the most ideal language to be eavesdropped on.

I think criticizing them.

He was saying that the American dreams should be open to everybody. You're looking and hearing the cynical, condescending, plutocratic words he was saying, not the aspirational, optimistic message he in retrospect.

Should have been meaning, it's like Romney jazz.

It's the words you don't hear.

That's the so inartful words from a dubious source.

This is really just inartful words from a dubious source.

Oh and one other thing, this.

Is factually accurate what Romney is saying. If I'm Governor Romney, I run with this all day long.

It was the truth.

He's a boss who says the truth, but the truth of it hurts.

I think this will be seen as a win for Romney.

Let me let me sum up the message from bullshit Mountain if I may.

This in artfully stated dirty liberal smear is.

A truthful expression amid Romney's political philosophy, and it is a winner.

Let me tell you something.

You don't summit bullshit Mountain unless you know your way around to turn or two. All right, So this very popular, definitely effective, winning political argument that Romney's making.

It's another perfect distraction from the fourteen percent unemployment.

Instead of talking about the major issues of the day like sextoon trillion in debt and the Middle East is burning.

Instead we're sitting around going did Romney insult the country or not?

You can't actually discuss serious issues today in the campaign.

You have to move on to secretly recorded videos.

You guys just want to talk about real issues, so have at it.

A new recording surfaces.

This time it's President Obama who gets caught.

It's President Obama's turn to be haunted by something he said once upon a time.

Are there no rules on bullshit Mountain?

I mean, I expect this kind of behavior from people living at asshole.

Cove, but not.

So. Recorded videos are a distraction.

Here's one from Obama.

Obama video is pertinent, but the Romney video is a distraction.

Why.

It features Governor Romney speaking to supporters at a fundraiser way back in May.

Oh.

This video is from way back in May.

May.

My god, holy, I mean that was like before June.

Who even remembers May?

Grandfather?

May I sit on your knee and hear you tell tale of what life.

Was like way back in May.

Well, well, Jimmy, hold on, no, Timmy, I.

Remember it like it was, Yester.

The iPhone five was but a glimmer in the iPhone four s's eyes.

It was an incredible time.

Now, in Hannedy's defense, four months is typically enough time for Romney to radically change his positions By the way, what about this new very pertinent video of Obama that Fox has made hay of all day?

When was that video recorded?

That was recorded in nineteen ninety eight.

My god, that's more than fourteen mays ago. Look, obviously, bullshit Mountain has many I guess you would say, peaks and valleys, nooks and crannies. Really, you all know what bullshit looks like. Look, why am I telling you people? Let's drill down to the core of this thing.

And tonight it is Romney Unplugged, as the GOP presidential nominee, delivered as one of his sharpest critiques of President Obama and the entitlement society that he enables. According to the Census Bureau, in twenty eleven, forty nine percent of Americans lived in a household where at least one person received a government handout.

This is the core of bullshit.

Mountain, the forty nine percent entitlement society Obama enables. That is the core of the bullshit nation fiction that somehow, only since Obama, the half of Americans who love this country and work hard and are good have had the fruits of their labor seized and handed over to the half of this nation that is lazy and dependent and the opposite of good.

I'm sure there's a better term for that.

Now, in that forty nine percent, Hannity is including those on Social Security and Medicare, or as I like to call.

Them, his audience demographic TV audience slam.

But perhaps mister Hannity is understating the problem, for there are many more of those on the government dole than even his forty nine percent accounts. For, like those welfare queens at Exxon Mobile, AT and T ge at all two hundred and fifty corporations that from two thousand and eight to twenty ten got.

Nearly a quarter trillion in federal tax subsidies.

Although to be fair, at least Exon Mobile and AT and T give us back cheap gas and reliable cell phone service.

Or how about this, here's one the Wall.

Street firms who were given access to the discount borrowing window at the federal reserves. Or the five billion in direct federal payments to America's mouture farmers, or the incredible tax breaks the government gives the investor class, whose money is taxed at a capital gains rate of fifteen percent as opposed to ordinary having a job income which can be taxed up to thirty five percent. Boy, I wish we had a poster boy for that element of the muchocracy.

Oh right, in twenty ten. In twenty ten, Governor.

Romney had an adjusted gross income of twenty one point six million dollars, yet paid only three million dollars in

By the way, that's no bullshit.

That's the mass.

The biggest problem with the denizens, the biggest problem, the biggest problem with the denizens of Bullshit Mountain is they act like their shit don't stink. If they have success, they built it. If they failed, the government ruined it for them. If they get a break, they deserve it. If you get a break, it's a handout and an entitlement. It's a baffling, willfully blind cognitive dissonance, best summed up by their head coach in what is perhaps my favorite SoundBite of all time.

I've been on food stamps and welfare. Anybody help me out?

No.

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