You're listening to Comedy Central. Welcome to the Daily Show. My name is Jon Stewart. Now where was I I'm excited to be back. I'm very excited.
Guy.
Gooding to you. Guys. Why am I back? You may be asking yourselves. It's a very reasonable question. I have committed a lot of crimes from what I understand, talk show host or granted immunity, So it doesn't doesn't make a lot of sense. But take it up with the founders. I don't know. We're gonna have so much we're gonna talk about this year. Obviously elections, Maybe we'll talk about China, Maybe we'll talk about Ai, maybe something a little lighter, Israel, Palestine.
Who knows.
But first, the Super Bowl was yesterday. Gentleman in the crowd, who's delighted the Kansas City won? It was really sadly a lose lose for real America Kansas City Chiefs or World Champions, which means the decades long plot in which Travis and Taylor brainwashed America into into getting routine vaccinations is complete. But it was really kind of a no win for conservatives. I mean, if the Chiefs lost, who wins the people's Communist Republic of Gay Pelosi, Stan. It's
almost like the rights. Ridiculous obsession with politicizing every aspect of American life ruins everything. But now that it's over nine months till the election, people, and the exciting part is we already know our candidates. It's drum roll, please these guys. That's why tonight we're debut on our election coverage in Decision twenty twenty four American Democracy. It's a it's a homophone. We didn't change the sound of the word,
but we added a K, which makes it wittier. How about and his sais you twenty twenty four electile zone? We changed the one letter. Are you disappointed yet? So Joe Biden and Donald Trump? And by the way, this weekend the big news was the Special Council report on Joe Biden's handling of classified information.
The Special Council's report offers scathing details of what it calls is diminished faculties and faulty memory writing. If charged, mister Biden will likely present himself to the jury as he did during his interview with our office, as a sympathetic, well meaning elderly man with a poor memory.
Where did I Park those documents. This guy couldn't remember stuff during his deposition. Do you understand what that means? He had no ability to recall very basic things. Under questioning the footage of the president unable to recall simple facts must have been brutal to watch.
James Webb, I don't remember the news, I don't remember the name.
I don't remember ever buying something from myself.
Did you recall what years you were married to Ms Naples?
I mean, I don't remember that. It is as good as my memory is.
I don't remember that.
So you don't remember saying you have one of the best men.
I don't remember. I'm all right over on over on hood. That's the high functioning candidate from nine years ago, unable to recall if he has a good memory. I'm sorry, here's the actual footage. Who created Trump International Real time? I don't remember. I don't remember, I don't remember the email. I'm just saying I don't remember this. I just don't seem to recall anything about this. He actually seemed upset
about it. I don't know. Yes, it turns out that the leading cause of early onset dementia is being deposed. But back to President Biden. Biden was not a out to take the Special Counsel's characterizations lying down, although chances are he was lying down when the point is this to the press conference, batman.
My memory is fine, my memory. Take a look at what I've done since I become president. None of you thought I could pass any of the things I got passed.
How did that happen?
I know what the hell I'm doing them? In?
President?
I put this country back on his sheet.
Did not say that? Okay, okay, good box say that, mister president. What about your question? Then? American people have been watching and they have express concerns about your aide. That is your judgment.
That is your judgment.
Boom. He took them to the house. He was all over it, Joe Biden, taking nerves, tacking ass press conference over. You didn't mess up, You didn't No, no, no, don't stop. Wait, hold on, hold on, sir, don't no. You killed this Take the w what are you doing? Do not go Allow me to present to you a one man show about what Joe Biden's advisors were doing. When he turned around and went back to the podium. The show is called no, do not go back, please, But he went back.
I'm of the view, as you know, that the conduct of the response in the Gaza strip has been over the top.
Ther Bunzu.
Garment Gosa, by the way, the response in Gaza has been over the top, you know.
I like how Biden describes Israel's incessant bombing of civilians the same way my mother talks about the Super Bowl halftime show.
It was a little much. Did they need to be unrolling skins? Whatever happened? In music, you sing the song and people be loove it. But with the abs and the dwarling.
And the hits kept coming.
Initially, the President of Mexico CCI did not want to open up the gate to allow humanitarian material to get in.
Now, geography, Buffs might have noticed, Gaza and Mexico do not share a border. Biden was referring to CC the president of Egypt, not Mexico, unless it was even worse than that, and he thinks the president of Mexico is named see see So Joe Biden had a big press conference to dispel the notion that he may have lost a step, and politically speaking, lost three to four steps. But don't worry, because they don't need the press conference.
The Super Bowl was on Sunday, and the President was offered a chance, as per tradition, to do an interview where millions and millions of people could see him competently and clearly lay out his twenty twenty four agenda. Or he could just turn that down and do what this is.
The Biden Harris campaign joined TikTok over the weekend. The first video was released during the Super Bowl shows President Biden answering questions related to the Big Game Gamer halftime show, Dame Jason Kelcey or Travis Kelcey.
Mama comes understation, Great chalk at chip cookies.
Fire everyone everyone. How do you go on TikTok and end up looking older? So yes, everyone spent the entire weekend talking about whether the Democratic choice for president is mentally up to the challenge of the world's most demanding job. So what was his opponent saying this weekend? We have to win in November. Well, we're not going to have Pennsylvania. They'll change the name. They're going to change the name of Pennsylvania. I can't believe I've lived in New Jersey
this long and have been mispronouncing Vanulani. Yeah, apparently the emphasis is in the end of the day. Yes, it should be noted well. Concerns over any president's fitness and acuity are legitimate, especially though it was at an advanced age. Biden's opponent also seems to live at the villages, so the question then becomes, what the heck are we doing here people? Oh wait, that's a nice indecision twenty twenty
four title. Yeah, I'm gonna tell you something. Biden's lost the step, but Trump regularly says things that rallies that would warrant a wellness check. All I know about magnets is this, give me a glance of water, let me drop it on the magnets. That's the end of the magnus. I am not a scientist. I'm pretty sure water is not the end of magnets. I think he may be thinking of cotton candy. Pretty easy to mix those up. It's probably why the front of his refrigerator is so messy.
It's just it's sticky in that. Look these two candidates, they are very kind with your enthusiasm. These two candidates, they are both similarly challenged, and it is not crazy to think that the oldest people in the history of the country to ever run for president might have some of these challenges. Now, Democrats will say that any criticism like this, especially if Biden, is unfair because you just don't know Biden like they know Biden.
President Biden, who I've been around numerous times in this last year, is sharp.
He's focused, He's right.
He is sharp, intensely probing and detail oriented and focused.
This is a man who is sharp, who is on top of his game, who knows what's going on. He's smart, He's on his game.
I was in almost every meeting with the President, and the President was in front of and on top of it all coordinating and directing leaders who are in charge of America's national security. Not to mention our allies around the globe.
Did anyone film that, because if you're.
If you're telling us behind the scenes, he is sharp and full of energy and on top of it and really in control and leading, you should film that. That would be good to show to people. Instead of a tick tock where he goes cookie, we see he's in charge. You see hell cookie. Of course, when it comes to Republicans, they've got a different strategy for their seventy seven year old candidate.
Well, first of all, Donald Trump is not an old man.
He's an old man. He is objectively an old man on a human scale. Trump is objectively Oh if he was a tortoise, I would tell him as a tortoise at seventy seven, Oh, young man, go off and enjoy college. But he's not a tourist. He's not a tortoise. That is not being agist, That is being human life spanist. One thing we know for certain is this, we have two candidates who are chronologically outside the norm of any one who has run for the presidency in this country
in the history of this country. They are the oldest people ever to run for president, breaking by only four years the record that they sat the last time they ran. They are at the age. They are objectively old. They're at the age. There are no more age related milestones to hint. They got the RP card, They've got Social Security, they've got their movie discounts. There is no oh wait till you hit eighty eight, you get to drink and drive. No, the only thing left to them is a Today Show
Smucker's shout out. You know what, I think We've got a new name for our election coverage. In Decision twenty twenty four Antiques Roadshow. All right, look, here's where I'm entire. We're not suggesting neither man is vibrant, productive, or even capable, but they're both stretching the limits of being able to handle the toughest job in the world. What's crazy is thinking that we're the ones, as voters, who must silence concerns and criticisms. It is the candidate's job to assuage concerns,
not the voter's job not to mention them. And look, I'm not trying to be I'm not trying to be cruel. I didn't want to. I don't want to have to do this on my first day. Come over here, look at me. Look what time hath throught? Right, Give the kids a tree of the lunar's surface. Here, look at this. I'm like twenty years younger than these men.
This.
Look at this they wish by the way, you're like, you know, you know, here's the truth. And if you think, like, oh, twenty years isn't that long, this is me twenty years ago.
Yeah, yeah, I agree, And perhaps it was my mistake for sleeping in a meat dehydrator.
Look, Joe Biden, isn't Donald Trump he hasn't been indicted as many times, hasn't had as many fraudulent businesses, or been convicted in a civil trial for sexual assault, or been ordered to pay defamation and had his charities disbanded or stiff to shit on a blue collar tradesman he'd hired. Should we even get to the grab the pussy stuff? Probably not. But the stakes of this election don't make Donald Trump's opponent less subject to scrutiny. It actually makes
him more subject to scrutiny. If the barbarians are at the gate, you want Conan standing on the ramparts, not chuck it Chip cookie g So what's the good news? That was not rhetorical framing. I'm literally asking you. Look the next nine months or so, and maybe more than that, depending on the coup schedule, they're gonna suck. You're gonna be getting emails with insane subject lines like hello John, it's Chuck Schumer. Donald Trump is right behind you with
a knife. The name You're going to get in dated with robocalls and push polls and real polls, and people are going to tell you to rock the vote and be the vote, and vote the vote and finger bang the vote. And it's all going to make you feel like Tuesday, November fifth, is the only day that matters, and that day does matter. But man, November six ain't
nothing to sneeze at or November seventh. If your guy loses, bad things might happen, but the country is not over, and if your guy wins, the country is in no way saved. I've learned one thing over these last nine years, and I was glib at best and probably dismissive at
worst about this. The work of making this world resemble one that you would prefer to live in is a lunch pale job, day in and day out, where thousands of committed, anonymous, smart and dedicated people bang on closed doors and pick up those that are fallen, and grind away on issues till they get a positive result, and even then have to stay on to make sure that result holds. So the good news is I'm not saying you don't have to worry about who wins the election.
I'm saying you have to worry about every day before it and every day after forever. Although on the plus side, I am told that at some point the sun will run out of hydrogen.
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