You're listening to Comedy Central.
From Chicago, a city with a history as deep as it reads as the daily shows Indecision four Democratic National Connection.
Podcast with your host song Storm What Welcome to my show.
I'm a john Store And once again, ladies and gentlemen, welcome.
A Tousia.
Lovely, lovely girl.
We are live right now, We are live. The Democratic Invention is wrapping up, maybe hours from here.
We don't really know where it is. It's far from this theater. What a night for Kamala Harris. By the way, the anticipation was high to night, and not just for Kamala Harris. Speculation was running wild. Today there would be a surprise guest.
Boy did they deliver?
Please welcome Michigan Representative Alissa Sluckin.
Freedom, Freedom, I am in the slot.
You thought there was Beyonce, because everybody thought that it was going to be Beyonce coming out there, very slopping all. Everybody knew tonight was the final night for the DNC, and they did it all. They spoke in support of curbing gun violence, they spoke in support of investing in our schools, fighting climate change and upside down drumming. They a remarkable story born conjoined. They didn't let that stop them from upside down drumming. But it was Kamala's knight
and her opportunity. She's not here either, no Beyonce, no common Hey, Hey, tickets are freemom.
Kaaa knight.
And it was Kamala Harris's opportunity to be introduced as a presidential candidate to America.
Growing up, we moved a lot.
I will always remember that big Mayflower truck packed with all our belongings.
Ready to go to Illinois to Wisconsin.
Just named swing states.
Just say.
Say that you moved to Swing States.
That you you moved to Michigan, to Georgia, you moved to Arizona.
Just make it up.
But this is great.
We finally get to meet communist Kamla, the radical that we have heard so much about.
I believe everyone has a right to safety, to dignity, and to justice. A harm against any one of us is a harm against.
All of us.
Okay Stalin.
This is one of the reasons I became a prosecutor to protect people.
Dasdania, Comrade.
I stood up for women and children against predators who abuse them.
I fought against the.
Cartels who traffic in guns and drugs and human beings who threaten the secre of our border and the safety of our communities.
And I will tell you these fights were not easy.
Why are you doing a thing that they told us that you were going to do.
With the hammer and the sickle and the bandoleros, with the yellow shots in the wire?
Are you doing this.
On behalf of everyone whose story could only be written in the greatest nation on earth? I accept your nomination to be president of the United States of America.
Hunt.
By the way, how funny would it event if at the end she was just like but seriously, though not for me? This has all been great, But I've been thinking it over. By the way, if I was Donald Trump right now, I don't even know what I'd probably just be tweeting nonsensical shit to distract from the fact that she doesn't faintly resemble the caricature that's been painted.
By the way, that is what he was doing. These are his real tweets in all caps.
In all caps, where's Hunter?
I swear to God, the guy running for president on the Republican ticket has morphed into a poor man's cat turd. Of course, of course, an important part of Tonight was familiarizing people with the Democratic nominee biography, a hallowed walk through the trials and tribulations that formed the ethos and spirit of the Democratic nominee. Because I'm until tonight, Eh, they didn't have a lot been on the anecdotes quite frankly, I mean, I know they didn't have much time, but this is what they were.
Running out there, Vice Priscian Harry's team and visit my restaurant.
You know, I know you only had four weeks to put this movie together, but come on, you gotta do better.
Then. I was working as she walked in. I drove her in an uber.
Come out with the big movers and shakers, and the Democratic Party must know her well. She worked at McDonald's, and she greeted every person with a thousand watt smile and said, how.
Can I help you?
I think you have to say that.
When you work at McDonald's, or really any point of service occupation, how can I help you?
Is kind of the thing.
I don't know that the transaction can really take place if you do not acknowledge that delicate dance.
Of whether or not they will supercars are there less professional more personal stories.
My phone rings, It's Kamala Harris.
She called me.
My phone rang again and it was Vice President Kamala Harris.
If you're lucky enough to be her friend, she calls you on her birthday.
Wait, she calls you on her birthday.
That is very sad. On her birthday, she calls you, Hey, girl, it's Kamala.
Anything you have to say to me.
That you should have said hours ago.
By the way, this is like night three informal. We're three days into the convention and we're like, she has a phone.
By the way, is literally one of the only things we knew.
About her before she took office.
We did it.
We did it to call people.
The credit where credit is due.
The Democrats, on short notice exploited their newfound momentum and enthusiasm with the display of the breath and width of this diverse, often contradictory party of Roosevelt.
At their convention. They had union leaders and CEOs, They.
Had Democratic Party icons and lifelong Republicans.
They had a guy yelling screw the billionaires, followed.
Immediately by a very happy billionaire.
It's all okay if it's our billionaire. I don't like I don't like billionaires, but it's all right.
They had guys making fun of people for going to Yale, and a bunch.
Of people who went to Yell. They had Barack Obama.
And Jewish Barack Obama.
Always say that's always good for paupertics.
You know, it really works. A Jewish guy that sounds like a black guy.
The Democrats had people who prosecuted sexual predators, and.
Nick there goes that booking.
They had Black Americans, Hispanic Americans, Asian Americans, Gay Americans, Jewish Americans, Palestinians.
Wow.
Oh, to be fair, it was only four nights, eight hours a night.
But really it's best not to think about the consequences of our actions over there, especially given the theme of the week.
I can feel the excitement in this arena. It's filled with energy and with joy, the air of.
Joy, joy, Joy, Joy.
We will be joyful warriors, the president of Joy.
Let us choose joy.
Yes, yes, yes, Oh, it was joyful for a convention.
I know what real joy looks like because I've watched Oprah on her show. You thought people were happy to see her endorse Kamala Harris. You should see what they do when she gives them lipliner people.
One message to Stony, that's joy.
Pretty good.
The Democrats are about joy and they are about excitement.
Oh and one other thing. I was a paratrooper and an army ranger. I flew in the Navy during the First Gulf War, I enlisted, fought alongside my brothers with LIMA three twenty five in Iraq. I gave the order.
Directing our special Operations forces to fly two helicopters one hundred and fifty miles into a Badabad at night.
And by the time the sun rose, Osama ben Laden was de proud to be in America.
I try. These are the new Democrats, man.
They lead with joy and compassion and acceptance and oh yeah, we will.
Listen.
Listen to man, whatever you're feeling, go with it.
Whether that feeling is joy or perhaps relief at having a chance when you had none is exhilarating.
And the Democrats were hitting all the right notes. The cameraman not so much.
When a house is on fire, we don't ask about the homeowner's race or religion. No, we just try to do the best we can to save them.
And if the pace place happens to belong to a childless cat lady.
I love that the camera just stayed honor. She literally turned around, like are these mony? Is this hold?
Goodness?
Here's the party after this cutaway, the woman was interviewed. She is childless and has two cats, and you know what that means.
A Sea Span don't play. Sea Span does the research, but.
Ultimately, look, Democrats have already drank the kool aid. It's very difficult when you're inside that convention environment to know if this has been a successful endeavor.
Perhaps the best.
Way to see how well it actually went is through the eyes of a more objective observer, a fair and balanced organization that will give you a more clear eyed perspective. How did Fox News experience this convention at the beginning.
I've got to be honest, I'm.
Not sure they cared for it. There's not much joy in this convention hall.
There were empty seats here as late as when and Joe Biden are speaking.
The vibes are off. No one's talking to each other.
This is probably the most boring scene I've ever seen in my inside ooh.
So boring.
I forgot what a dad devil like you, and I forgot your life is a never ending joy ride of talking to brit Hume in between catheter ads on Fox.
Ooh.
H Murmer, what what what?
But unfortunately for Jesse canevel over here the next night, even Fox had to acknowledge fire EMOTEI fire EMOTEI fire emogy. People are having a great time down here.
Stevie Wonder just performs, and there's more electricity in this room.
Good vibes, and you'll never guess what they had a problem on this night as well.
No one's talking about the actual issues that matter.
All about fuzzy puppies and little kittens.
All the joy, all the vibe, all the emotion is nothing but empty calories. They burn fast and make you fat. The good vibes aren't gonna You can't eat good.
Vibes, right, Oh, so which is it?
Do the vibes fatten you up? Or are they emotional ozembic?
Which one?
But I guess you're right. You can't feed your family on vibes.
You can only feed your family on immigration, fear monger, you can't eat good vibes. I think you might be confusing vibes with the tomato infused superjacent fondue, the weapon of mass lactation that this city called.
I'll tell you that much.
Hey, hey, I want to order a pizza? Oh yeah, you want a personal or backyard pool side?
Fuck?
Let me tell you.
All right, I will tell you this. The Barpies are good.
All right.
I am winded.
The point is this.
By the third night of the convention, even at Fox News, the Walls came tumbling it down.
Tim Walls, I said earlier tonight he had to do fine and that would be enough.
He did grapes for him, for their proud and I even followed the football metaphors.
He'll be a great wing man for Kamala Harris.
Yes, Fox News now knows the experience of being a Mets fan watching the Yankees always win the World Series. Yeah, Derek Jeter.
Very downant.
Most of Fox News was admitting defeat, except for young Jessie.
Waters, who bravely continued the pretense that the convention was going badly, even when the footage right next to.
His fucking head disagree.
Last night wasn't as jubulant as the media tells you. Seats were empty. It looked like there was a formal dress code. The lines that get in the stadium were long and silent. The only joy in the building was Joy Reid, who nobody even recognizes. You see these liberal media anchors walking around and no one even stops them for selfies, actually feel bad for them. Last night felt at the funeral end.
It was.
Yeah, yeah, last night felt like a funeral. And we all know funerals always have a DJ. Goodbye, dearest grandfather.
I mean you, Chaun.
When we come back, we check in with our correspondent, stick around.
Everybody at the show.
All week long, the best team has been on the convention floor. We're gonna check in one last time before we leave Chicago to get their final takeaways from the week. Let's start with Jordan Clupper.
Jordan, talk about Jordan. Any moments, any moments in the convention that really resonated with you.
Well, John, I have to say the moment that resonated with me the most was Tim Wall's speech about small town America.
Now, I grew up in Butte, Nebraska, a town of four hundred people. Growing up in a small town like that, you'll learn how to take care of each other.
That family down the road. They may not think like you do, they may not pray like you do.
They may not love like you do, but they're your neighbors and you look out for them and they look out for you.
Yeah, yeah, yes, Hedan, Yeah, wow nice?
You know that?
That really got me.
I'm from a small town myself, only three hundred people, but we shared common values, faith, friendship, baking pies for our neighbors, ten twenty, sometimes thirty pies a day per neighbor, and then everyone came out to support our high school football team. We were small and scrappy, but with our beloved coach and small town values, we led our team to victory and super Bowl forty one.
That's quite a story, Jordan. That's uh John? If I may, oh, yes, what about you?
How well?
John?
I agree with Super Bowl champion Jordan Klepper because I too came from a very very small town full of God loving patriots who patriotically loved our God.
Small like like Jordan's. How many people were where you grow up? Four? Yeah, and we took care of each other. John.
If one of us needed salt, someone would pass them.
That salt.
Down.
Your town had four people and need to carry each other by seasoning each other?
Does he?
How many stoplights are in this town?
No?
Stoplight, just a dishwasher and a sink.
I think you're just describing a house a townhouse, Oh, a town.
I get that, that makes sense. That's all right, She's right, John, I'm sorry, Josh Johnson. Yes, let's go with that.
I'm just gonna I'm just gonna take a wild step. You are from a small town, that's right, John, very small, tiny. I could fit it in my pocket. And what I loved about my perfect small town was a sense of community. I used to walk down the street and total strangers in pickup trucks would make sure I was from around these parts.
Gosh, I have to say that actually sounds like a dark undercurrent of racism ran through your small town.
What No, No, they were friendly.
They looked after me by telling me you better be inside by dark or else.
All right, Michael Kassa, Michael, I'm just gonna go way out on the rod here.
I assume you too were raised with small town, real American values.
I sure was, John, and the Democrats really nailed it.
I watched the convention from Hotel, and to me, they highlighted the best of what makes small towns so great. Coaches who love their kids, slogans like clear Eyes, full Hearts, can't lose smoke, shows like Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton in a weird subplot where.
Landry killed a guy. Yeah, so.
Just very quickly, Michael, you were not watching the convention.
That is a show called Friday Night Lights. Well, whatever it was, I'm excited to vote for Coach Tailor.
Oh oh my god, hey, ro Bro, can we please shut up? Let's Ronnie John. I'm sick of this.
Okay.
The Democrats need to stop adopting this Republican fiction that American.
Values only exist in small towns.
Ronnie, thank you, thank you. I people in cities also have good values.
No, we don't.
We're all gauntless heathens with no values and bed bugs, okay, and we like it that way. We don't bake each other pies. I don't take food from a stranger like a psychopath. And I have never talked to my neighbors ever. I just scream at them through my wall to keep it down without having sex.
I never even met them. For what I can hear, their names are oh God and Hodder.
But we have to remember that we are all Americans, whether you're from a city or small town, whether your name is Smith or Chang or oh.
God, Hotter Hotter moo.
No, I think I kind of, I think I got it.
No, no, I'm not done.
I'm not kind horn Hotter.
No.
Yeah, we can't.
Same everybody and we come up.
I don't you know what you blah b.
Com add a Mamara show.
Obviously, this week's convention is really.
All about introducing Kamala Harris to America, and as part of that introduction, the Democrats produced a special film to make the case for a Harris presidency.
Now, luckily for us, we stole it and we are going to show it to you.
America is a land of people, people who are normal, and America used to have president idens who were normal. Sometimes they would build them for not sing, but they could always finish their sentences and not start civil wars. But after eight years of this, in this ah love his doctor and just generally feeling like we're trapped in a sidistic circus in the eighth circle.
Of hellth.
It is time for America to return to normal. It's time for Kamala Harris. Just nor Henerator by Jess A normal Kamala Harris checks all the boxes for what Americans are looking for in a normal president. I'm Kamala Harrison. I'm wonderful president of the United States. We are a nation that was founded on noble ideas. But where did this unicorn of the candidate come from? Kamala Harris was born in nineteen sixty four in Oakland, California, a year that puts her squarely in the normal age range of
American presidents. She was the daughter of two academics who met at school a way that normal people meet their spouse, as opposed to a party with sex ring billionaires. Her mother was from India, her father was from Jamaica, and that makes her both black and South Asian. Normal people understand this. I don't know is she Indian or is
she black? Again? Normal people understand this. Kamala's parents wanted the best education for you, but because they weren't absolutely loaded in a way that would make them believe they could live outside the laws of man and nature, young Kamala had to be bussed to a desegregated school an hour away. It was an experience that always stayed with her, but not in a way that made her thirsty for revenge or obsessed with leaving a legacy that would outlast
the universe. Just a normal I'll put that into my autobiography kind of way. Kamala was admitted to Howard University, where she made lifelong friends like any other well adjusted person, you can feel comfortable trusting with nuclear codes, and she made ends meet working at McDonald's, a typical job held by millions of people. And just to be clear, she was working the register, not starring in bizarre fever dreams with Grimace and stealing jobs from hardworking professional actors who
honestly could have used the gig at the time. After college, Kamala went on the normal trajectory for President Law School, San Francisco, District Attorney Attorney General of California. Yes, early on she had a boyfriend help her get a job on the state Unemployment Insurance Appeals Board. But that's a very normal type of cronyism. And besides, it was an unemployment insurance appeals board. Do not act like you wanted that job, rob Kamala wrote her success to the US Senate,
where her time was mostly unmemorable, which is normal. Do you know what kind of freak you have to be to be a memorable senator. Yeah, now, Kamala just did her job, including a famous grilling of Judge Brett Kavanaugh.
Can you think of any laws that give the government the power to make decisions about.
The male body? I'm not a thinking of any right now.
It was a.
Brilliant performance that didn't stop Brett Kavanaugh from overturning Roe v. Wade, but a politician offering stirring rhetoric with disappointing results. Very normal, guys. After a respectable two years, Kamala decided to take the next step.
I stand before you today to announce my candidacy for president of the United States.
Yes, a run for president in twenty twenty, a decision so normal that it was done by over seventy percent of the Democratic Party. But despite showing voters her personal side by listening and reacting to music like a regular human as opposed to freezing in placer yanking off a pair of dicks and stuff, Kamala didn't resonate with voters, and she dropped out before voting even began.
I'm not a billionaire, I can't fund my campaign.
It was a move that exhibited her remarkable skill to view reality and react rationally. Wouldn't that be great reacting rationally to an electoral defeat, wouldn't it. But before she quit, Kamala did have one great moment.
You know, there was a little girl in California and she was bussed to school every.
Day, and that little girl was me.
It was a takedown of Biden's support of school segregation, so brutal that he reintegrated the White House and made her vice president. They did go, Kamala Harris between the first black price president, the first Asian vice president, and the first female vice president. And yes, maybe that isn't normal for America, but did you know that in the other parts of the world women are allowed to be leaders like all the time. So that's not on her.
What are Kamala's actual policies? Just the vague ones you'd expect from a normal Democrat trying to get elected.
Our fight is a fight for the future, and it is a fight for freedom.
Yeah, great, sounds good, But at least they're going to be normal policies. You won't have to learn about Project twenty twenty five for great replacement theory, or weather a president concerned about his turn will in prison. What the hell are we doing here, gang, I've been in episodes of Always Park less stressful than this. Of course, like any person, Kamala has her personality quirks, and her time as Vice president brought them all front and center. I love Vin diagrams.
Do you know the three circles?
Who doesn't love a yellow school?
Do you think you just fell out of a coconut tree?
The coconut king super kooky?
Right?
So what America has presidents with fun and energy all the time? What about Aid? You wore the big hats, FDR stamps, Reagan jellybeans, pounded fistfuls of them, and they were all presidents who didn't cause Americans to ship themselves every five minutes. And that is the promise of a Kamala Harris presidency. A president who will not fall in love with the North Korean dictator or have a family member whose dick picks end up on a congressional hearing.
A president who won't clear up their COVID with horsty wormer and a spritz of clorox, and one that can stay up past eight A president who will eventually leave office. A president who won't have to flee to a non extradition country if she loses. In other words, Kamala Harris will be a normal president, just a normal president.
Wrong?
What at all? Oh?
How does our shouncle tonight?
I do?
Before we go?
I just want to think?
What do I want to take it?
I just I want to thank the anthe name Theater here in Chicago, the hospitality that the theater has shown us throughout the week, and the hospitality from the city of Chicago.
And all the great people have.
Fantastic.
What a lovely time we had, What a lovely experience.
But most of all, I want to thank the staff, the crew and the cast of The Daily Show, the production team here that brought everything out from New York City and gave us an absolutely flawless week of production and best staff and crew in the business. Couldn't be happier with how they pulled this thing off.
And thank you guys for watching.
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