You're listening to Comedy Central.
Yea, what do you.
Think about young people getting all of their information and entertainment from social media?
I see no problem with it? Why would you? It seems great? Uh do? Is that? Is that true? I mean, I don't know, because obviously.
TV is dying.
Don't what? No, don't, sir? Well, let me ask you a question in your mind, seeing as I work in television, will I die first? Because if that's the case, I don't mind. But but don't don't You still watch TV, but you just watch it on your computer.
On TikTok and on your phone.
Right, But you understand that that's still TV. It's just you're watching it in a different uh delivery service. It's like Hair and his Heroine. Whether you snort it or shoot it, it's still an opiate for the masses as his television. You're just getting it in smaller bites. But it's it's still It's like it's still TV. We make it unless you have to look on your face like this poor boy if he only knew the business he was in. Well, I hope we don't die quickly. But
and stay and you're here and we're making TV for you. Tonight. Hi, everybody, welcome, Thank you please. I look, I gotta tell you something. These folks who work at the Daily Show are making me look zaddy. I'm sorry. Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm your host, John Stewart, captain of this dying medium? Did you even show that today? A right, gentlemen? Tell me tonight? He said, Oh, I'm so happy to be here. You know your television is dying. I said, I am aware,
and in fact I'm contributing to it. You're welcome. I did have such a good time last week doing the program, and then everybody Comedy Center was like, oh, what are you going to do this week? And I was like, wait, this week I did already. I did it Monday. What am I a cyborg? Come on? But I don't mind because, quite frankly, the response to the first show last Monday was universally glowing.
John Stuart is facing massive backlash from Democrats over his comments about Joe Biden. Oberman tweeted, well, after nine years away, there's nothing else to say to the both sides fraud John Stuart bashing Biden, except please make it another nine years. Chris Jackson tweeted, sorry, but I won't be watching you either.
Okay, maybe not a universal. Well that was on Twitter. Everything on Twitter gets the backlash. I've seen Twitter tellabradoodles to go for themselves aperdoodles. I just think it's better to deal head on with what's an apparent issue to people. I mean, we're we're just talking here and Mary Trump tweeting. Not only is Stuart's both sides are the same. Rhetoric not funny. It's a potential disaster for democracy. There's one Joe. It was just one Joe. It's twenty minutes. I did
twenty minutes of one Joe. But I guess, as the famous saying goes, democracy dies in discussion. But look, I have seen against you. I'm sorry. It was never my intention to say out loud what I saw with my eyes and then brain, I can do better. I can have learning. I can have it. But I don't even know where to start with that. Where do I go to study the particulars of unquestioning propaganda? I would need mentorship. We're in Moscow tonight.
We're here to interview the President of Russia, Vladimir Putin.
Saints be praised.
For Professor to Tucker Aloisious Mayflower, Kenny bumps Port Backgammon.
Carlson the third has arrived, Professor, Tell me what is step one in delivering world class fealty to power.
Here's where we're doing it first, because it's our job.
We're in journalism. Lie about what your job is. We're internalism. Argue is to inform people. Lie about what your duty.
Is.
Americans have a right to know all they can about a war. They're implicated in freedom of speech is our birthright. We were born with the right to say what we believe.
Oh sh.
Who knows, sensey, that was deep. I have much to learn. Disguise your deception and capitulation to power as noble and moral and based in freedom. Yes, massed just out of curiosity as a student. When you're sitting there interviewing Putin and you don't plan to challenge his utter bullshit, but you don't want to really be that obvious. What do you do with your face? Oh? I see, okay, So it's not really a straight face as much as you try to convey a mixture of what appears to be
shame arousal. And I'm gonna say irregularity for instance, like you're constipated while jerking off to a serious catalog been there, we die up there? Well, the lingerie ads were now, obviously the Tucker strategy is going to work when there's some ambiguity in what Putin says. But what if Putin starts saying shit like World War Two was Poland's fault because they forced Hitler to invade them. I mean, what do you do with something like that? That's gonna be hard.
The World War One, this territory was transferred to Poland, and instead of Danzig, a city of Dunsk emerged. Mister Hitler asked them to give it Annaka believe, but they refused.
Of course, of course. You know it's so hard to do when your face says what the fuck and your mouth says of course, it's it's so hard to How do you all right? How do you do that? By the way, Poland started World War Two? Why would a country whose navy has submarines with screen doors want to instigate a war? Quick history lessons years ago for reasons
nobody is really sure of. A stereotype emerged that Polish people were inept in various ways, including obviously submarine manufacturing and even something as simple as the changing of a light bulb. I don't know actually how many Polish people you think it takes to change a light bulb, but it's certainly less than the conventional wisdom at that time
would tell you. Now we know that Polish people are as smart as anyone and certainly did not deserve to be invaded by the Germans, who, of course accomplished that by marching in backwards. So the polls thought they were leaving.
Well, I like to give you a little bit of dumb.
Well, this has been an incredible primmer into the delegate dance of speaking, of course to power. Timmy Tucker, does this masterclass include field trips? How does Russia have a subway station?
The normal people used to get to work at home every single day. That's nicer than anything in our country. There's no graffiti, there's no filth, no foul smells.
That's a nice subway. That's a very although, to be fair to the New York City system, it was constructed in nineteen oh four out of urinalcakes by the great engineer Josette. Piss it everywhere before taking it's a very nice subway. But the subway that's only one thing.
So we thought it'd be interesting to take a look at a contemporary, modern day twenty twenty four Russian grocery store.
Go on, all right, here we go.
So I guess you put in ten roubles here and you get it back when you put the card back. So it's free, but there's an incentive to return it and not just bring it to your homeless en camera.
I know I've said this before. You're such a dick. I don't really truly like a dick. I didn't realize America's homeless problem is caused entirely by easy access to grocery card. I had on my top of my house, but I don't know that. Did you put it on wheels? It's so much easier.
This is the uh, grocery card escalator.
This is designed. I'm figuring this out now. Where the wheels don't move, they.
Lock on the grocery card escalator.
Look mad, no hands? Oh oh okay, okay, forest an escalator for the grocery cart and the doors open automatically. Oh marvel Russia, and Russia is famous for its bread.
There's one thing I could assess pretty well.
Look at that. It's fresh too. Look at that. Come on, Yeah, the guy really likes prett I hate to think what would have happened if he had found a bagel. But hey, if being a free speech warrior means you have to bang the occasional sour doughs. But our time is limited, could you drive home the purpose of your deception on this trip in the most cynical way possible. Please.
We didn't pay any attention to cost, as we were just putting in the car where we would actually eat over a week, and we.
All came in around four hundred bucks. About four hundred bucks.
It was one hundred and four dollars US here and coming to a Russian grocery store the heart of evil and seeing what things cost and how people live. It will radicalize you against our leaders. That's how I feel anyway.
Radicalized, radicalized, and it will radicalize you unless you understand basic economics. See one hundred and four dollars for groceries sounds like a great bargain unless you realize Russians earn less than two hundred dollars a week. But that's the kind of context that a what did you call yourself? Earlierournalists would have provided. But here's the reality. You know all this because you aren't as dumb as your face
would have us believe. Perhaps if your handlers had allowed, you would have seen there is a hidden fee to your cheap groceries and orderly streets. Ask Alexi Navalni or any of his supporters.
The Vladimir Putin's Russia political repression is everywhere, and hundreds have been arrested for daring to honor Navalny so publicly.
Right, because the difference between our urinal, caked, chaotic subways and your candelabra beautiful subways is the literal price of freedom. But the goal that Carlson and his ilk are pushing is that there's really no difference between our systems. In fact, there might be a little bit better. The question is why why is Tucker doing this? Here's why. It's because the old vilizational battle was communism versus capitalism. That what
drove the world since World War Two. Russia was the enemy then, but now they think the battle is woke versus unwoke, and in that fight, Putin is an ally to the right, he's their friend. Unfortunately, he is also a brutal and ruthless dictator. So now they have to make Americans a little more comfortable with that. I mean, liberty is nice, but have you seen Russia's shopping carts? And Tucker would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling assassins.
In a statement to The New York Times, Carlson said, quote, it is horrifying what happened to Navalney.
The whole thing is barbaric and awful.
No decent person would defend it. Correct, No decent person would. For more on, please enjoy your good For more on Tucker Carlton's interview with Curtains, we turned.
To our own Michael Costa. Michael Michael Hears of all.
What an unbelievably embarrassing display of sycophancy from Tucker Carlson.
Yeah, well, I'm not sure what that means, John, So I'm gonna assume you loved it as much as I did. It made me think that these dictatorships have gotten a bad rap, which is why I've traveled here to North Korea.
And as you can see, it's amazing looks. It looks like you're in a candy store.
Well i am, but this is what the entire country looks like. I'm told it's a paradise of chocolate bars and sugar canes. I mean, John, check this out. This bucket of gummy worms here in Pyongyang. It costs a nickel. Do you don't have any idea how much this would cost me in the so oh called United States.
I don't like twenty bucks, I guess, is it?
Yeah?
Yeah? Yeah?
And who can afford that besides capitalistic American pedophiles.
Okay, and.
Just look at the technology they have here, John, check out this amazing contraption you put Okay, you put a quarter.
And look what comes out? A gumball.
Oh death to America.
John. You need to come home. Michael.
Well, I'd like to, John, but unfortunately I renounced my citizenship in exchange for these gummy worms. Now, look, they made them sour on the outside, and on the inside they're sweet. And until America comes up with that, all right, how do we say goodbye in our language?
Michael Costa? Everybody was it?
Let's kick things off with Nikki Haley. She made a big announcement today, but it wasn't the one we were all expecting.
Some of you, perhaps a few of you, in the media, came here today to see if I'm dropping out of the race.
Well I'm not.
Okay, we'll just wait another week.
Then do what you want.
But it's not a good sign for your campaign if you have to keep announcing that you're not dropping out of the race. Nikki Haley's campaign has reached the guest who doesn't know when to leave the party stage. Republican voters are like, ooh, oh god, I got to wake up early tomorrow, and Nikki's like.
Oh, let's start a game of risk.
And if this speech was supposed to convince people that she should stay in the race, I'm not really sure it did.
We've all heard the call for me to drop out. The argument is familiar. They say I haven't won a state, that my path to victory is slim. They point to the primary polls and say I'm only delaying the inevitable. Why keep fighting when the battle was apparently over after Iowa.
She's making a really good case against herself. They say my campaign is making everyone sad, that I'm a born loser whose own mother wouldn't vote for her.
They claim I have a fourteen.
Percent on Rotten Tomatoes and I'm not even a movie anyway.
What were we talking about.
Although, look, if Haley wants to stay in it's her right. If her strategy is to just hope that Donald Trump goes to prison for life, she wouldn't be the only one game recognize game. Speaking of Donald Trump, it's been a week now since Russian dissident Alexi Navalney mysteriously died in prison after devoting his life to fighting Vladimir Putin's dictatorship, and Donald Trump honored him in the only way he knows how, by making it about himself.
The former president, for his part, weighed in yesterday evening.
What he did was he shared an opinion piece on his social media website.
That compares President Biden with Vladimir Putin and compares himself with Alexi Navalney.
This is utterly disgusting, But I have to give Trump credit. I didn't realize he could make analogies way that he's got the double Collins and everything but little guys ready for the SATs. But yes, it is unacceptable to compare Navalney with Trump. Navalney sacrificed his life for democracy. Donald Trump tried to sacrifice Mike Pence's life to kill democracy. You could not find two men who are further apart
than these two. Now, if you're stupid enough to believe that Donald Trump is a courageous freedom fighter like Alexi Navalny, then good news. Trump has some perfume he'd like to sell.
You Trump branded cologne.
It's called Trump forty seven, with the former president's head.
At the top of the bottle.
According to the website selling the cologne, it smells of a crisp opening of citrus blends into a cedar heart underpinned by a rich base of leather and amber.
The last time Trump was underpinned by a rich base of leather and amber, amber had to sign an NDA. Also, I love the shape of that bottle. Is that cologne or a vibrator from hell? The first vibrator that doesn't believe in the female orgasm. Now you might think that this perfume is just a quick griff to help Trump after he was hit with a three hundred and fifty five million dollar judgment for fraud and based on their at campaign, you would be right.
Confidential sexy guilty of fraud, introducing Victory forty seven, the new fragrance from Donald Trump. That's definitely not a desperate cash. Grab you want to smell like this, and now you can grab her by the nostrils.
Donald Trump is.
An icon of grace and masculinity. Take a whiff of Victory forty seven, a cent that tells everyone, I want to help a millionaire pay off a rape lawsuit. Buy a bottle, my ten thousand bodies, Send Donald Trump money. He really needs this. Mar get your condo. Victory forty seven is now available next to the discount candy at your local CBS. Victory forty seven. Smelling this good should be illegal, and it probably is.
Mappy bank hawking perfume is undignified for the front runner for president.
Excuse me, don't worry. It's not just perfume.
Donald Trump introducing a new sneaker line at a shoe conference in Philly over the weekend.
This is that big crowd appearing at sneaker Con in Philadelphia.
We're going to remember the young people, and we're going to remember sneaker Con. Your sneakerheads.
Ryan, the former president, took today to promote a money making deal, having struck a naming rights agreement for a limited edition sneaker line, the most expensive pair in the series, selling for three hundred and ninety nine dollars.
That's the real deal.
That's the real deal.
Finally, a sneaker that won't make me feel bad when I accidentally step and shit.
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