Jon Stewart On Donald Trump's Pizza Habits and His Presidential Campaign

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On day three of Sarah Palin's One Nation Bus tour, she met with Donald Trump on his home turf right here in New York City.

Oh my god, she's here, She's in the house with him. Wow. This brings up so many questions.

Whose name will they put on the vehicle they travel in? Will they call it trailing plump? What will they call it?

So Trump's showing pale in the town.

I'm sure he took her to the best of the best, some classy place like the Trump All you Can Eat Fuegra and caviar Etheria, Trump fog Wah and Cabetheria, where you are guaranteed to contract gout, the Disease of Kings, and the two Broke Bread.

They went out for a slice of pizza in New York's Times Square.

Oh you know what, huh? Slice of pizza?

Respect The place is called Famous Familia Pizza.

It is an Albanian chain of pizzerias.

What Famous Familiars have Fiftieth and Broadway. I mean, I've eaten the pizza's you know fine. I used to there a lot when I was working next door Caroline's Comedy Club.

It's a good convenience pizza.

It's uh.

You know, back in the eighties, there weren't a lot of food options in Times Square. It was either familiar pizza or scar pronounce some edible underwear from one of the porn shops.

And then Giuliani took that option away.

You know, Donald, I don't want.

To say anything, but if you're taking an esteemed visitor to get real New York pizza, familiars, ain't it?

Dinner was great?

We had great pizza.

Wasn't that good?

It was real New York pizza.

No, no, it's not unless a real, authentic New York pizza can also be found in Terminal four of the Phoenix sky.

Harbrand National Headport.

It's familiar, it's a chick and Governor Palin by the way, no disrespect, no disrespect to you.

You're a guest in our city.

We should offer you the finest that our hospitality has to offer you. I just would have thought Captain Combover could have pulled that one off. I mean, for sake, it's New York City. I mean, I hate to use this term, this close to ground zero, but we're a bit of a pizza mecca. I mean you know you got, you got Lombardy's, honestly Lombardy.

Go down to Lombardi's.

All this pizzer in town. Little literally found that in nineteen oh five. They make their own pork sauceage. You go to Grimaldi's under the Brooklyn Bridge, a brick oven, but go there early by four o'clock. The lines out to the East River. Totano's, Coney Island, mott Own, thin crust with sweet sauce. Toros on Houston Street co love and lightly charred crust. Go to John's, Oh John's, go to the one on Bleeker if that's full. Go to the John's on the Upper West Sits not the same vibe.

Go Joe's on Carmine Street.

Just get a slice.

Go to Joseph Gary Donald.

Familia in Broadway.

Now, I get it, I get it. You're in a hurry.

Maybe they're security concerns. I'll forgive you this selection. I apologize it. Let's just go to the content of your meeting and then we'll.

Just shut off a bitch.

Love and you stack your slices Donald with all due respect, you stacked slices a pizza. The steam from the bottom of the slice is gonna make the top crust set you pieces.

Maybe all those years, all those years of making your hair do whatever it is that it does. You think you can go around layering anything you want to layer and no one's gonna say anything about it.

But you cannot.

You know something, I apologize, I apologize, no disrespect.

I apologize. Let's let's continue with the meeting.

Is are you waiting with a form and for no lah for sat donaka ah at tol ded de bey ab diablo.

Donald Trump, why don't you just take that orc and stick it right in New York's eye?

Donald Trump?

We work hard and you do this.

You disrespect us in our own house, Scott a gucc You can put your name on everything. You can build your glass and gold painted buildings to the sky blocking out the Central Park sun. It's fine, it's fine, but you invite an important visitor at our house, to our town and eat your pizza with a.

Fork right in front of us.

Hold off, do you take you you know what?

Hey, why don't you take a Fiorella La Guardian's hat and feed it to Jodamaggio's crying ghost on Liberty Island.

You son of a bitch, You son of a bitch. Watch and learn, Watch and learn, for God's sakes, watch and learn. You fold up for real? You're folded. You folded, You eat it one hand, you got the other hand free?

You bull up, barmejan little regno, little red pepper.

Maybe you're a point of your friend Agoli.

That is, maybe you guy.

You're walking in to go ahead to take care of that.

That all right, don't very nice?

Or maybe you just use your other hand to take and irresponsible non anabkins bab it on there and maybe a few minutes later you can throw them the cow, you can throw them out, or you leave them on the table and go.

You want to tip yours tip? What do I look like? A bus boy?

Hold?

This is fact. Actually I was a bus boys? Would My point is this? Donald, I'm gonna tell you.

I'm gonna tell your stories.

I'm gonna tell your stories.

I'm gonna tell your story, Donald Trump.

My grandparents immigrated to this country.

My grandfather worked as a taxi driver in Brooklyn.

My other grandfather worked as a dry cleaner in Washington Heights. I do not come from successful stuff.

But every day they work their fingers at a bone to a bone because it was their dream that someday their grandson could afford some DVDs of all of Robert.

De Niro's movies.

So that he could, little Jewish.

Boy of Latvian, Lithuanian and Mongolian blood could one day, one day, god willing, huh, pretend to be Italian on television.

And now you have the ball stayed pizza with a fork.

You know what, based on how you with pizza, Donald, I want to see your long form birth certificate.

I don't think you were really born in like many of you.

I heard some interesting let's call it news today about.

A certain let's say give from Heaven.

Entering the presidential race because apparently Huckabee.

Santorum wasn't far fetched enough.

I gotta tell you the world right now has brought whites are black Trump's running for president? Like does gravity still work? Because I mean it's yeah, a billionaire vanity candidate taking me escalator to the White House.

Hey, only losers walk.

Presidents take stair force one.

What an entrance an escalator down?

I haven't seen an entrance that majestic since my friend met me at the gap after grabbing an orange Julius, Wow, come on, let's dance, clown stick.

I am offacially running.

For president of the United States, and we are going to make our country great again.

I scored his own presidential announcement.

Hey hey, I'm gonna run for president.

Kyle in the sound booth, Neil young meek Yeah, rocking in the okay cut done, and what followed was over half an hour the most beautifully ridiculous gibber jabber ever to pour forth from the mouth of a back billionaire.

The US has become a dumping ground.

For everybody else's problems.

They're laughing at us.

How stupid are our leaders?

We have losers. We have losers.

When did we beat Japan at anything? China has our jobs and Mexico has our jobs. When Mexico sends his people, they bring in drugs, they're bringing crime. They're rapists, and some I assume are good people.

I'm saying benefit of the doubt.

Huh, they can't all be rapist.

It's not probable.

This guy just no disrespect in our southern neighbors.

At his presidential announcement, You're.

A bunch of drug dealers in rapists, no disrespect.

It was amazing. America's ID is running for president.

Trump is the part of your brain that's like at three am, going, let's go take it.

In a mailbox.

Come on, io's gonna know.

Now. Every candidate uses their announcement speech to reel off a litany of the valley that to find them.

So did the Donald. I'm really rich.

I'll show you that, And I said the time, I've done an amazing job. A total net worth of eight billion, net worth, not assets.

I have the best courses in the World's a.

Grand Hyatt hotel, the Convention Center on the west side of Trump Tower, Bank of America building in San Francisco. I just sold an apartment for fifteen million dollars to somebody from China.

Hey, fifty million to a Chinese guy who's better than me.

Hey, Kyle Neil Youngmi boom. This speech was socked up.

That in the middle of it all the liquid in his body tried to escape through the corner of his mouth. Thank you, Donald, Thank you Donald Trump for making my last six weeks my best six weeks. No, he is putting me in some kind of comedy hospice Claire.

We're all I'm getting is just straight morphie.

Donald Trump, the patron saint of topical comedians who are just running out the clock.

I mean, look, we did just have two.

Weeks off from talking about Trump.

A dumb springer.

I called it just out of curiosity. What it is?

He at again, unleashing his latest political firestorm on a new target, this time John McCain.

He's a war hero.

Trump in Iowa, going directly after the Arizona senator and former Navy fighter pilot who spent five and a half years as a POW two.

Is a war herope as he was captured. I like people that weren't captured. Okay, I hate to.

Tell you, hey, hey hey, no hey hey not. Let me just hold on just.

And you know what else, if I may just a moment, and cancer survivors too, let me tell you something.

No hey, let me just say this, no please.

I like people who don't get cancer.

I like, let me tell you something. I like.

I like winners. Those are the people whose.

Bodies don't suffer from an uncontrollable division of abnormal self attacking the organs.

Those are the people.

We should be making wishes and running marathons for winners, winners, winners, winners, winners, Boom.

Trump twenty sixteen. Trump's bold.

POWs, Oh we're going out baby on a my note. Trump's bold POWs aren't heroes raised questions of what is wrong with him.

When you're criticized or attacked, you often respond with name calling, using terms like dummy, loser, total losers on Twitter and elsewhere. You even demean some people's physical appearance. Is that something you would continue doing if you were president?

Oh?

I don't think it. Look when people attack me, I let them have it back. You say physical appearance, So you know it's my hair, But people are constantly attacking my hair. I don't see you coming to my defense. You know my hair is just fine.

First things first, your hair's not fine. Now, I agree, megaphone of someone's physical.

Appearance is a cheap blow. But that hair.

That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair. They are defending themselves from something that appears like it's about to attack them.

I smell a new Pixar movie.

Trump's comments clearly caught on tape.

Trump had no choice but to recognize that he had spoken, and take the honorable way out.

Now.

I'm just.

Here's what he did.

Why did Savannah start off by saying, I said that he was not a warrior. I never said that. I said he was a war hero, Matt. Savannah started it up by saying, I said that he wasn't a war hero. I didn't say that.

I stand correct that I could have sworn you said it. I mean, just listen to the tape again, real quickly.

He's not a war hero.

Yeah, that sounded like, you know, let's let's watch it upside down, because maybe I.

Didn't he's not a war hero.

No, it's still I mean, the hair does look better there, but it still sounds like he said he's not a war Let me let me see it with a bit of.

A sesame street vine. He's not a war hero. Oh, that appears to be brought to you by the letter.

You said it, so you said it.

The next sentence was, he is a war hero. I said that, but they never want to play it, and you don't want to play it. If you would have let it run just another three seconds, you would have said that. I said, very clearly, he is a war hero.

He's not a war hero, war hero, he's a war half years he's a war hero because he was captured.

So you said he's not a war hero.

The guy next to you goes, he's a war hero, and you go, well.

He's a war hero because he got captured.

So really, just calling someone a war hero count if you're doing it sarcastically.

He's not a war hero.

All right, he's a war hero.

All right, fine, you got captured.

Whatever.

But of course you better to talk about sacrificing war time than one Donald Trump's going to college, had student deferments, and that it's a long time ago.

Had student deferments, then ultimately had a medical deferment because of my feet.

I had a bone spur.

Okay, I get that. As a man who is also constantly suffering from medical conditions that aren't real, I will say a bone spur is very painful. It's well, it's the kind of pain you never forget.

What you foot.

Did you have the bone spur?

In h You'll look it up in the records. It's in the record, right or left? One of those two.

I don't know.

It's probably the one I don't normally have in my mouth.

Look, Donnie trumpsy baby, don't claim out now, listen, don't flame out now.

I gotta squeeze three.

More weeks of these.

You're at the point where even your fellow Republican presidential candidates, the people who are trying very hard not to recognize what a terrible person you are now have to recognize what a terrible person you want.

It's not just absurd, it's offensive. It's ridiculous.

I denounced Donald Trump for that.

Donald Trump owes every American veteran, and in particular John McCain, an apology.

Jeb Bush saying, quote enough with the Slanders attacks.

Senator John McCain and all our veterans, particularly POW's have earned our respect and admiration. Yes, at long last, does the man who accused the vast majority of Mexican immigrants of being drug addicted rapists.

Have no sense of decency?

But they're right, they're right. I so love this man.

I really feel like he's some sort of Jewish holiday waiting to happen. Like we thought the craziness would only last a day, but by a miracle, it burned for eight ten.

Holy that's what we should call it.

HOLYA Here's the thing I don't get. Why is anyone acting surprised about Trump. The only reason you liked this guy in the first place is because of the terrible things he was willing to say about Obama. But Trump has no control over the projectile vomit of dickishness that comes out of his mouth every time he opens it. It was inevitable some of his word pupils gonna get on you. And you should have known that you've been on this road before.

Well. First off, Nancy Pelosi is a Dean bat.

Water guardian is how we baptize terrorists once.

Once you cast a spell and to bring an internet comment.

To life, it no longer belongs to you. Only this time the chat room troll emoji you've conjured has ten billion dollars of its own money.

You thought was still a word salad was hard to shake. Wait till you get Trump dump on you.

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