You're listening to Comedy Central, YEW. If you've been tuning out the presidential campaign so far, I get it. It's boring. I mean, my grandpa is also a rambling eighty year old man, and let me tell you, I keep half an ear open for the word inheritance and I just ignore everything else. But the presidential campaign won't be boring for long because this week Trump and Biden will be
rambling face to face. That's right. Thursday is the first presidential debate, and these men are going toe to toe, and if you've ever met or seen old men's toes, you know that's going to be a dirty fight. Finally, the American people will have something to judge these candidates on aside from the four years that they were both president already. And Joe Biden, for one, he's ready for battle the president.
This morning, it continues to be hunkered down at Camp David, fine tuning his messaging, honing his attack lines. That he's huddling there with over a dozen advisors, and over the coming days his prep is expected to evolve from gaming out questions and answers to holding ninety minute mock debates.
Yeah, that's the most dubious thumbs up I've ever seen. That's the football player as he's being carted off the field. He's gonna be okay, folks, his thumb is working well, that's right. Joe Biden is holding up at Camp David and doing ninety minute mock debates, although most of that is just him walking up to the podium. And if you're wondering who could possibly prepare him for debating Donald Trump, will Joe Biden has just the guy.
Attorney Bob Bauer would be standing in for Trump during mock debate sessions, yelling insults at Biden and trying to get under his skin.
When you're playing a role, you're trying to make the experience as realistic for the person you're working with as possible.
Really, the guy who plays Santa Claus at the bad Mall, this is your Trump. I don't know if he can replicate the unhinged madness of debating Donald Trump. The only Biden staffer who could pull that off is that dog that keeps biting everyone in the face. But regardless of how he prepares, there's one thing Biden can be sure of, where exactly he's going to be on that stage.
We're getting more details today about how the high stakes debate stage will look. Biden won the coin toss and chose to stand on the right side of the stage. Why the right, There's actually a scientific reason. When there are two people on stage TV viewers' eyes are drawn to the right side.
Wow, thank you science. I mean, hey, any news on a cancer cure? No, maybe, whenever you're done debating left or right? Possibly, Hey, it may usually be true that viewers' eyes are drawn to the right, but in this case there'll be even more drawn to the neon man ranting about how toilets don't flush anymore thanks to transgender swimmers. But I do like this coin toss thing. You know, why stop with the debate side. Let's have the coin determine who wins the election. Yeah, it would be so
much less stressful than five months of campaigning. Just flip the coin heads, it's Trump, tails, it's Biden. If the coin bounces and rolls into the sewer, it's RFK Junior. Anyway, that's what Joe Biden is up to. But preparing for the debate is not the only way to prepare for the debate, Because Joe Biden's opponent. Well, he's taking a different approach.
Almost everything that President Biden is doing, Donald Trump is not. There are no mock debates, There are no rehearse punchlines or pivot points. The poor president also didn't take any time away from the campaign trail.
Tell me a.
Little bit about how you're preparing for the debate, right because we see that President Biden is out of camp. David, you're on the campaign trail. What's your strategy for the debate?
Well, this is really the best strategy right here.
We have all these people's screaming questions.
Okay, first of all, no one's screaming questions. You're elevated on a platform talking at people the whole time. And how convenient is it that Trump's debate prep is holding rallies the thing he wants to do. Anyway, It's like when finals were coming up and you had that one friend who would say, you know, I retained information better when I'm high. You know, It's like, just to be clear, that was my friend, that wasn't me.
Okay.
Of course, when you don't prepare for a debate, you run the risk of losing the debate. So it helps to lower expectations a little bit.
Trump appears to be lowering expectations and making excuses ahead of.
The upcoming presidential debate with President Biden.
So I'm not underestimating him. I'm not underestimating him.
I assume he's going to be somebody that will be a word the debater.
Maybe I'm better of losing the debate. I'll lose the debate on purpose. Maybe I'll do something like that, all right, don't lower expectations that far. Maybe I'll lose the debate. Maybe I'll shit my pants and run off stage crying about how much shit is actually in my pants. That's how you'll know I've won. But this brings up an
interesting quandary for the Trump campaign. Right now, Trump is saying Biden is a worthy debater, but don't forget for the past three and a half years, he's been saying Biden is a demented moron with the brain power of a Love Island contestant. So how are Republicans going to explain it if a guy they say has jello for brains really does beat Trump, Well, don't worry. They have a plan. The Trump campaign and the Trump allies. They keep floating this conspiracy that Biden is going to be
amped up on drugs. They're going to need to goose him and juice in.
For a lot of Red bull, a lot of caffeine pills.
He's on adderall, He's on riddle.
In etcrin that has caffeine in it, hopped up on B twelve ivy fluids, Monster Energy track or something or something.
Whatever happened to all that cocaine that was missing a month ago from the lay.
Whatever happened. Look, look we all know what happened. That dog snorted it before a bit someone's face off. Certainly it's conservative media now just wildly speculating that the president is on drugs. Could be cocaine, could be adderall, maybe both. I mean, at this point, Fox News is basically my
friend's group chat about Justin timberleg So. So yes, the Republican talking point is that if Biden does well, it's because he's taking performance enhanching drugs, which is just such a stupid conspiracy theory, because first off, if Biden's body could handle even half of what they're saying, he's the strongest man alive. You know, he'll win the presidency and
the Kentucky Derby. Now, just by the way, Trump isn't I really wanted to talk because in the same speech where he claimed Biden is mentally incapacitated, he was going around saying things like this.
And my stupid people.
When I wanted to refute it, they should sure don't dignify it with a refuddle, refutal or refunnel.
What the hell word would that be? Refunnled?
Do what they'll say, he didn't know refuddle or refutal, But they don't know either.
It's neither. It's neither of those words. What do you mean they don't know? No, I don't know what fake word you're trying to say. This dude's entire brain is just squiggly red spell check lines, and then his mouth always tries to refuddle every thought he has. That's the big difference between Biden and Trump. When they make a mistake, Biden will correct himself, whereas Trump will deflect and call everyone else an idiot, which, to be honest, is more relatable.
And it's like when I get to and then I accuse everyone else of being drunk instead of just focusing on the road. Right, So thank you for laughing. So, on one hand, Biden's taking the whole week to prepare it, and on the other hand, Trump's raw dog in it. Two very different approaches, but which one's right. For more on the debate over whether to prepare for a debate or just to wing it, let's go to Desi Lideck and Troy.
Awada Ya Desi, Desi, you're for preparation.
Why is that better? Thank you, Michael.
Preparation is the better approach because it gives you the tools you need to lay out your position, project confidence and do this thing with your thumb. Because, as Thomas Edison said, genius is one percent inspiration and ninety nine percent perspiration.
Thank you the wise Troy. Why are you pro winging it? Because I'm not a dork.
While Desi was in the nerd zone, I was eating a double cheeseburger in a pool, staring at a cloud that looked like a double cheeseburger.
And what did all that studying do for her?
I can also quote Thomas Edison, if you build it, he will come.
He did not say that. That's from Field of Dreams.
You know I did like that movie. I'm going to give a point to Troy for that. Now does he try again.
Okay, okay, okay. Preparation gives you the best chance of crafting your answer, all right, and I will prove it. If I were prepping Joe Biden to answer a debate question on inflation, here's what I do. I'd arm him with a six point economic plan that addresses rising costs, job creation, affordable housing, tuition costs, abortion rights, and always always landing on a charming story about a factory worker named Jack.
Yeah, this is what I'm talking about. Blah blah blah blah blah.
Do you do you really want the queen of Library town talking about a plan or do you want someone like me who just says, don't worry, I got this.
Yeah, See, Deisy, it seems like he's got this point to Troy. You know.
That is not a point for Troy when he's saying is empty. Someone who prepares for debate is someone who prepares for everything, and that's what you want a president.
Look at this cat that I drew. It has swords for arms. It's not cool, dude, that is awesome.
I'm not equine for toy cats. Yeah, you're not selling me on preparation right now.
Okay, okay, fine, you know what, I'm nimble. I can see that being unprepared is winning this debate. So let me tell you this. In my preparation for being prepared, I also prepared a scenario where I am unprepared.
Huh, okay, look at me.
I don't really care about this. I'm an easy, breezy lemon squeeze.
Okay, let me just let me just stop me there. That was so bad. I'm going to give another point to Troy. I mean I agree. Seriously.
Look, yes, okay, policy is boring, preparation is nerdy, but this country needs people that are prepared to run it. A debate isn't some Bravo reunion. It's where candidates outline their policies and platforms, their belief systems. So yes, running the country is the one test you have to study.
For counterpoint, I'm on the right side of the TV screen.
You know what, Troy wins. Troy wins, Desney Lioneck and Troy A wanna everybody.
Show.
My word is John Stewart.
Thank you Ausin very much for joining us. We are coming to you live.
You may say, we.
Just watched what you watched.
We just witnessed a debate between President Joseph Robinette Biden versus former President Donald Robinette Trump. It was a highly anticipated affair, according to the network that was running it.
The first Biden Trump debate a little over one month away.
Right here on.
CNN, we are less than two weeks away from the first presidential debate, just.
One week from today.
Welcome to the.
First work day of the most important week of the presidential campaign.
Three days and counting just two days. Now, we're about thirty hour, thirty ish hours.
Just over twenty four hours.
Twelve and a half hours.
Say the words, It's debate.
Day in America.
The candidates must have been so excited to know that they haven't missed it.
I imagine old man Biden opening.
His window and shouting at the street below, you're that boy, What day is today? Why it's debate day? Then there's still time prepare the debate, goose. Prior to the event, what did the political class believe would be the criteria for each candidate to be successful in the debate?
First, Donald Trump.
Trump has to show that he's not going to end democracy.
Don't respond in a way that the suburban mothers wouldn't like, donatterrupt, Joe Biden, don't take debate, don't look like a bully, don't get angry, portray normalness.
Can't you just pretend to be normal for ninety minutes? How is that advice for a presidential debate?
And not what you would say say to your parents when you bring home a date for.
The first time?
Can you not talk about January sixth?
And please don't do your Asian voice.
I really like this girl, but that's Trump.
Surely the expectations on President Biden will be higher.
He absolutely cannot have a senior moment, a.
Physical or verbal stumble him forgetting something.
Any of his kind of freezing moments.
Stay alert, to stay engaged, and to stay awake.
President Biden has to show that he can stand there for an extended period of time, remain.
Upright, remain.
Upright to be president.
You know, I may be mistaken, but I believe those are the same qualifications needed to be scarecrow. Tonight, the president must show the country that he can keep our corn safe. But then it was time for the actual debate. And let's see how it began. Both men came out and oh yes, okay, And then, of course both men are ambulatory they are both upright.
Level one cleared.
It's going to be an important discussion between two important men.
What are the rules?
You want to share the rules of the debate with the audience at home.
Each candidate will have two minutes to.
Answer a question and one minute each for responses and rebuttals.
What can you do it to a minute?
I can't even articulate what's wrong with your entire setup to this debate? An ad break to watch a Whulu show is three minute?
What can you do in two minutes?
But all right, that's gonna winnow out anything that might be interesting or substance.
But let's begin.
We know the bar that's been set up for each to pass. Biden has to not look old and not have a senior moment.
Making sure that we're able to make every single solitary person eligible for what I've been able to do with the UH, with the COVID, I excuse me with dealing with everything we have to do with if we finally beat medicare, Thank.
You, President Biden.
I need to call a real estate agent in New Zealand.
Okay, high pressure situation.
A lot of times you can confuse saving Medicare with beating it. I'm sure it's not something that repeated throughout the debate, causing Democrats across the country to either jump out of windows or vomit silently into the nearest recycling Then anybody can talking, how did Biden do?
Not talking?
How close the police are there?
Almost every police group in the nation from every state, and everybody wanted.
To get it back to the States everybody.
And China nothing, and Russia nothing, in India nothing.
I will have that reporter out.
He should have had him out a long time ago because I didn't have legislation.
I said, close the border.
We had the safest border in history.
Not great, but uh, A lot of people have resting twenty fifth Amendment face. I'm not a political expert, but while Biden was preparing at Camp David for a week, did anyone mention he would also be on camera on the split screen? Is there any moment here that can save Biden.
This is the first presidential election since the Supreme Court overturned Rob Wade.
Oh shit, we're back baby.
Abortion. Ain't to the B to the O, to the AWE, to the D to the the repeal of rov Wade.
That is Trump's weakest issue.
It's been a great thing.
Oh he is, it's a great thing.
Hit him, Joey, I'm a terrible thing. What you've done, this is awesome.
We are done here tk oh no, no, no, Joe, Joe, Joe, don't say anything else, Joey.
The idea that states are able to do this is a little like saying we're going to turn civil rights back to the states. Let each state have a different rule. Look, there's so many young women who have been including a young woman who just was murdered and he went to the funeral. The idea that she was murdered by an immigrant coming in they talk about that.
Did you just immigration?
Abortion?
Yeah?
I know, abortion, it is one of our strongest issues.
But let me for a moment talk about immigrants killing and righting people.
It's one of the weakest folks.
I think sportsmanship would insist that an opponent not sees on a opportunities such as this.
There have been many young women murdered by the same people he allows to come across our border.
So how do we do this?
Now? Do I take his car back to the White House tonight? I mean, gam on, we done with this shit? Do I use ups his stuff.
I mean, game on. That was crazy what he did just now.
So Biden perhaps not on top of his game. Maybe I will check out this young upstart Donald Trump. Obviously, the election is a binary choice, so let me see what this Trump fella is about. As we learned earlier, he just had to come in there and not be an asshole.
He doesn't care about our veterans. He doesn't care.
He doesn't like the military at all. Probably the worst administration in history, the worst presidency in the history of our country. This shouldn't be a debate. He's the worst resident. I really don't know what he said at the end of this. I don't think he knows what he said either.
He challenged me to a golf match.
He can't hit about fifty yards.
Does not appear to have passed the asshole test. See me after debate. All right, Trumper, what do you got on substance?
We had the greatest economy in the history of our country, a lot of credit for the military, and no wars and so many other things.
Everything was rock and good.
But the thing we never got the credit for and we should have, is getting us out of that COVID mess. He allowed millions of people to come in here from prisons, jails, and mental institutions. The only jobs he created are for illegal immigrants. We had the lowest taxes ever. I didn't have sex with the porn star.
She was a porn character actor at best. I'm not saying she couldn't open a movie. But so just so we're all clear, everything that Donald Trump said in that clip is a lie, blatant and full. And we were tight on time putting this together. There's plenty more. It really makes you wonder, what's RFK.
Junior doing tonight. Maybe he's got some w what's up?
I'm sorry, Oh, vaccines, No, I see that's but yeah, sure there's sie effects to all of them, okay, and a wormware okay, fair enough.
He's vice president, she'll running. They donated, okay.
Anyway, there was, of course a moment where I kind of thought we were getting substantive.
I was recently in France from D Day, and I spoke all about those heroes that died. I went to the World War II cemetery, World War One cemetery. Refused to go to. He was standing with his four star general and he told me, said, I don't want to go in there because they are much of a loser and suckers. My son was not a loser, was not a sucker. You're the sucker.
You're the loser.
Shit just got real.
The first of all, that was a made up quote, a.
Made up quote, which I think a trump land means.
That's a real quote.
That's a quote.
But this is about our nation's veterans foreign policy. This is important to Biden.
Come on, brother wor Star general stand your side was on your.
Staff who said you said?
Period, We've done more for veterans than any president has in American history. The only sacred obligation we have as a country is to care for our veterans when they come home and their families and equip them when they go to war. That's what we're doing. That's what the VA is doing now. They're doing more for veterans than ever before in our history.
All right, thank you.
So much for let's move to the topic of foreign policy.
Wait what, move on?
No, we don't move to stay on that topic. Not move on, dot No, don't go moving on. Who came up with these.
Dumb ass rules and why would any of.
These people agree to them?
The one thing that we did prove tonight is that the MAGA conspiracy theory about Biden's upcoming debate performance was nonsense.
A little before debate time, he gets a shot.
In the ass.
They are giving the president some sort of a stimulant, an add drug adderall riddling.
New drugs that are out there.
They are specifically for Alzheimer's or Parkinson's, a.
Lot of caffeine pills E twelve debate viagriate, Well, certainly there are drugs that can be used to energize a person in that state. I apologize for how fast I'm talking now I'm on those drugs. Let me just say, after watching tonight's debate, both of these men should be using performance enhancing drugs.
I'm sorry, I told you.
As much of it as they can get, as many times a day as their bodies will allow. If performance enhancing drugs will improve their lucidity, their ability to solve problems, and, in one of the candidates cases, improve their truthfulness, morality and malignant narcissism.
Then suppository away.
Guess what, everybody, They should be taken whatever magical drugs can kick their brains into gear.
Because this ain't Olympics.
Swimming.
You know what I'm saying.
Oh, he solved the Middle East, but he was doping, So it doesn't doubt there's gonna be an asterisk next to his presidency. And by the way, if those drugs don't exist, if there aren't actually performance enhancing drugs for these candidates, I could sure use some recreational ones right now, because this cannot be real life.
It just can't.
We're America God.
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