You're listening to Comedy Central.
Now welcome.
I'm Jessie Lnek and we are in Chicago.
I love the city.
I am seeing so many famous Chicago places from movies and TV. I ate at the restaurant from the Bear, I went to the museum from Ferris Bueller, and tonight after the show, I'm gonna go rob the House from Home alone Chicago. Yeah, but of course, of course we're here for the Democratic National Convention. And last night was so unpacked with speakers that even music legend James Taylor got bumped for time. Yeah, but good news, We've got him on our show tonight.
Yes, Jane Taylor will be here, but curse.
Let's get right into our coverage of Indecision twenty twenty four.
It is j two of the DNC.
All of the delegates are gathered from across the country to participate in this most hallowed and sober minded democratic process. So let's go live with our own Ronnie Chang, Ronnie, Ronnie. A lot of major players there tonight. Who are you talking to on the ground? You got Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, Doug m Hoff.
No one doesn't.
No one would talk to me at all.
It's like they're not even taking me seriously.
Why do you think that is?
It's pretty obvious racism.
Yes, yes, definitely racism. Thank you, Ronnie, Ronnie Chang.
Everyone.
Okay, that was immensely unhelpful, so let's go back tonight.
One.
Last night was all about President Joseph retirement. Biden and everyone came forward to toast the man of the evening, including a surprise appearance from the woman who's been taking measurements in his office, Kamala Harris, and I want.
To kick us off by celebrating our incredible President Joe Biden.
We are forever grateful to you.
Book President Biden's lifetime of achievement. We owe him a great debt of gratitude.
Thank you to Joe Biden.
Thank you, Joe, Thank you Joe.
Thank you Joe, and God bless you.
We love you.
That is that is so nice.
I mean even Nancy Pelosi was chanting, we love Joe, and she's the one who pushed him out of the race. It's like the Iceberg waving goodbye to the Titanic.
Bye.
Thanks for everything.
Now, before President Biden came out to speak, we got to hear a powerful speech from Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton, the former Secretary of State and the reason you have a trauma response every time you hear this is my fight song. She made a case for Kamala Harris while making the case against Donald Trump, although there was one.
Moment where she also sort of became.
Him the first person to run for president with thirty four felony convictions.
As vice president. As vice president.
Pamla sat in the situation room.
Well, well, well, looks like the lock them up bee has become the lock them up bird. Look at that smile. That's the smile of a woman going.
I get it now.
Sometimes it feels good to be bad. I thought Hilary's whole speech was very moving. In fact, she killed it, although it will be ruled a suicide. On the other hand, over in the right wing media world, they had a major complaint Hillary Clinton.
She's the most joyless person I think was ever walked on this earth.
That speech of just like her kind of.
Like stalinist negative half screaming to the crowd, come.
On criticizing Hillary for being joyless. Why don't you go post a Harambe meme on Vine your twenty fifteen piece of shit? But If conservatives hate Hillary not smiling, I'm sure they love Kamala, who was all smiles last night.
Tamala Harris came out on the stage, all the laughing.
It's like she got into the sherry or something.
Come on, guys, Hillary doesn't smile enough. Kamala smiles too much. You know what, You don't get an opinion on this. Okay, you get to control one hole on women's bodies, not too and.
You pick you one.
All women can't win this.
Right here is exactly where I'm gonna have that plastic surgery where they remove your mouth entirely.
It's just it's just easier. It's just easier.
But let's move on, because remember this is Joe Biden's night, and it's actually starting to get a little bit late.
So let's get to Joe Biden.
Please welcome former Rhode Island Governor Gino, Raymondo, Robert Garcia, Dick Durbin, Doris Johnson, Jesse Jackson, Tony Goldwyn, Steve Kerr, Sean Fame, in.
The words the great American poet Nelly. It's getting hot in here.
Okay, Yeah, I guess we had time for a dad bod strip tease. Guys, it's really getting late now, so let's wrap up the other speakers and bring out Joe.
Please welcome Congressman Jim.
Cliburn, Rafael Warnock, Kathy Hogel, Alexandria Ocasioko Fez, Seamie Ruskin, Jasmine Crockett, Chris Coons.
And I want to talk with you for just a few minutes.
Jesus Christ, is this still going on?
No disrespect to Chris Coons, but Chris Coons, it is almost midnight.
Mom has got to get to bed, and you know who else has.
To get to bed, Joe Biden.
For the love of God, let's hear from Biden.
Please welcome Ashlee Biden, not that Biden.
It is eleven o'clock. You can't be introducing new Biden's right now.
Do we have to go through the whole family?
Is Commander Biden.
Gonna come out after that?
Jesus, it was so late by the time Biden actually got on the stage.
Even the right wing pundits were insulted.
A sitting president pushed out of prime time.
It was incredibly disrespectful.
I mean, or your politics, or how you feel about the current commander in chief.
He is the current president.
Of the United States.
I almost felt badly for him.
Is the ultimate slap in the faith?
Is this really how you cho eat someone that you love?
I just think that's the.
Scut I'm sorry, I'm very confused here.
Do you guys hate him or not?
Joe Biden is a corrupt leader of a crime family who stole the presidency and how dare they keep him up past his bedtime? Thunder the er, But finally, finally, Joe Biden took the stage at eleven twenty six Eastern Time, which is late, although I will remind the East Coast media elites at Fox News that there are other time zones, and I'm in one right now.
I like it here.
Now.
You might expect that by eleven twenty six Joe Biden would be coming to the stage in pajamas in one of those old timey sleeping hats. Instead, he gave his most high energy performance in a long time.
Putin thought he'd take keev in three days.
Three years later, Ukraine is still free shining. Will the netherly surpassed the United States?
They haven't noticed.
No one's saying that now he.
Never built a damn thing. Who in the hell does he think he is. Who does he think he.
Is not worthy of being Commander Chief period, not then, not now, and not ever?
WHOA oh excuse me?
Is it getting hot here?
Aside from bringing the energy, he also brought all the fields.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my career, but I gave my best to you for fifty years. Like many of you, I've given my heart and soul or nation, and I've been blessed a million times in return to the support of the American people.
But I hope you know how grateful.
I am to all of you.
Spend the honor of my lifetime the service or president.
I love the job, but I love my country more.
This was one of Joe Biden's finest moments. He was forceful, he was selfless, he was patriotic. Honestly, it almost made me wonder if maybe we should go back and Oh Jesus, Nancy.
Dammit, I take it back.
I take it back. For more.
On Biden's Big Night, we go live to Troy Wata.
Troy.
After Biden gave that great speech, Do you think Democrats might have any regrets?
No?
I mean no, no, no, not at all. They appreciate everything.
Joe Biden has done for them, but they're also happy he's gone. And that's why I'm here at the greeting card store. I'm looking for something that says we love you while also saying, do not come back. Nancy Pelosi gave me a thousand dollars to buy one.
With just the right message.
Nancy Pelosi give you one thousand dollars to buy a card.
She doesn't know how much they cost, you know. Also, I think she thinks I'm her assistant, Steve. What makes you think that she keeps calling me Steve? So anyways, here's one.
It says.
Thanks for the memories, and just to be clear, we're not going to make any new ones. Or there's there's this one. This says you've done so much for us and we're all good now.
Thanks.
Wow, Hallmark's making very specific cards.
How about this one? It says, don't cry because it's over, Smile because it happened, but just to reiterate, it's definitely over.
I don't know, Troy, that seems kind of mean.
Well, here's one to my dear president.
Thank you for your years of service, but what I'm most grateful for is.
Your statesman like surrender. Of power. You will be enshrined in the history of our nation.
Who Yeah, that was beautiful. It sounds perfect.
Yeah, but the comic, it's in comic sanspont So all.
Troy, we need you back at the studio. So just pick a card, any.
Card, Okay, all right, David Blaine, calm down, forget the cards. I'll do what I normally do, and just when I think people, I'll just bend him twenty dollars, Troy.
Nancy Pelosi gave you one thousand dollars.
Very fine. The best I can do is twenty five, Troy.
Want everybody welcome.
Show.
I'm a John Start and once again, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to.
Lovely, Lovely Good.
We are live right now, we are live.
The Democratic Convention is wrapping up, maybe hours from here. We don't really know where it is. It's far from this theater. One a night for Kamala Harris. By the way, the anticipation was high to night, and not just for Kamala Harris. Speculation was running wild. Today there would be a surprise guest boy, did they deliver?
Please welcome Michigan Representative Elissa sluckin.
Freedom, Freedom, I am.
In the slot Hive.
You thought there was Beyonce, because everybody thought that it was going to be Beyonce coming out there, very slopping. All everybody knew tonight it was the final night for the DNC, and they did it all.
They spoke in support of curbing gun violence, they spoke in support of investing in our schools, fighting climate change, and upside down drumming. They a remarkable story, born conjoined. They didn't let that stop them from upside down drumming. But it was Kamala's knight and her opportunity. She's not here either, No Beyonce, no Commona. Hey, hey, tickets are freemum. Kamala's knight, and it was Kamala Harris's opportunity to be introduced as a presidential candidate to America.
Growing up, we moved a lot.
I will always remember that big Mayflower truck packed.
With all our belongings, ready to go de Illinois.
To Wisconsin.
Just named swing states. Just say say that you moved to Swing states, that you you moved to Michigan, to Georgia, you moved to Arizona.
Just make it up. But this is great.
We finally get to meet communist Kamala, the.
Rot call that we have heard so much about.
I believe everyone has a right to safety, to dignity, and to justice.
A harm against any one of us is a harm against all of us.
Okay Stalin.
This is one of the reasons I became a prosecutor to protect people.
Dasridania, Comrade.
I stood up for women and children against predators who abuse them.
I fought against the.
Cartels who traffic in guns and drugs, and human beings who threaten the security of our border and the safety of our communities.
And I will tell you these fights were not easy.
Why are you doing the thing that they told us that you were going to do.
With the hammer and the sickle and the bandoleros, with the yellow shots in the wire?
Are you doing this.
On behalf of everyone whose story could only be written in the greatest nation on earth.
I accept your nomination to.
Be president of the United States of America.
By the way, how funny would it have been if at the end she was just like but seriously, though not for me, this has all been.
Great, But I've been thinking it over.
By the way, if I was Donald Trump right now, I don't even know what I'd probably just be tweeting nonsensical shit to distract from the fact that she doesn't faintly resemble the caricature that's been painted.
By the way, that is what he was doing. These are his real tweets In all Cats, In all Cats, Where's Hunter?
I swear to God, the guy running for president on the Republican ticket has morphed into a poor man's cat turd. Of course, of course, an important part of tonight was familiarizing people with the Democratic nominee biography, a hallowed walk through the trials and tribulations that formed the ethos and spirit of the Democratic nomine Because up until tonight, eh, I.
Didn't have a lot fit on the anecdotes.
Quite frankly, I mean, I know they didn't have much time, but this is what they were running out there.
Vice Priscian Harry's team a visit my restroom.
You know, I know you only had four weeks to put this movie together, but come on, you gotta do better.
Then.
I was working as she walked in. I drove her in an uber.
Come out with the big movers and shakers the Democratic Party must.
Know her well at.
McDonald's, and she greeted every person with a thousand watt smile and said, how can I help you?
I think you have to say that.
When you work at McDonald's or really any point of service occupation.
How can I help you? Is kind of the thing.
I don't know that the transaction can really take place if you do not acknowledge that delicate dance of whether or not they will supercars? Are there less professional, more personal stories.
My phone rings. If Kamala Harris she called me.
My phone rang again and it was Vice President Mala Parris.
If you're not enough to be her friend, she calls you on her birthday.
Wait, she calls.
You on her birthdathday. That is very s.
On her birthday, she calls you, Hey, girl, it's Kamala.
Anything you have to say to me.
That you should have said hours ago.
By the way, this is like night three inform.
We're three days into the convention and we're like, so she has a phone. By the way, is literally one of the only things we knew about her before she took office.
We did it.
We didn't.
There to call people.
Well, credit where credit is due.
The Democrats on short notice exploited their newfound momentum and enthusiasm with a display of the breath and width of this diverse, often contradictory party of Roosevelt. At their convention, they had union leaders and CEOs. They had Democratic Party icons and lifelong Republicans.
They had a guy yelling screw the billionaires, followed.
Immediately by a very happy billionaire.
It's all okay if it's our billionaire.
I don't like I don't like.
Billionaires, but it's all right.
They had guys making fun of people for going to Yale, and a bunch of people who went to yem.
They had Barack Obama and Jewish Barack Obama.
Alway, sounds like.
That's always good for politics.
You know what really works a Jewish.
Guy that sounds like a black guy.
The Democrats had people who prosecuted sexual predators and.
Nick, there goes that booking.
They had Black Americans, Hispanic Americans, Asian Americans, Gay Americans, Jewish Americans, Palestinians.
Wow. Oh, to be fair, it was only four nights, eight hours a night.
But really it's best not to think about the consequences of our actions over there, especially given the theme of the week.
I can feel the excitement in this arena it's filled with energy and with joy, the air of.
Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy. We will be joyful warriors, the President of Joy.
Let us choose joy.
Yes, yes, yes, Oh it was joyful for a convention.
I know what real joy looks like because I've watched Oprah on her show. You thought people were happy to see her endorse Kamala Harris. You should see what they do when she gives them lipliner.
People want this.
It's the sony.
That's joy.
Pretty good. The Democrats are about joy and they are about excitement. Oh and one other thing. I was a paratrooper and an army ranger. I flew in the Navy during the First Gulf War.
I enlisted, fought alongside my brothers with LIMA three twenty five in Iraq.
I gave the order.
Directing our Special Operations forces to fly two helicopters one hundred and fifty miles into a Badabad at night, and by the time the sun rose, Osama ben Laden was dead.
Proud to be in America. I try. These are the new Democrats, man.
They lead with joy and compassion and acceptance.
And oh yeah, we will.
Listen. Listen to me.
Whatever you're feeling, go with it.
Whether that feeling is joy or perhaps relief at having a chance when you had none is exhilarating. And the Democrats were hitting all the right notes. The cameraman not so much.
When a house is on fire, we don't ask about the homeowner's race or religion.
No, we just to do the best we can to save them.
And if the pace place happens to belong.
To a childless cat.
Lady, I love that the camera just stayed honor. She literally turned around, like, are these money?
Time?
Is this hold on? Here's the crazy part. After this got away, the one was interviewed. She is childless and has two.
Cats, and you know what that means. A Sea Span don't play.
Seespan does the research, but ultimately, look, Democrats have already drank the kool aid. It's very difficult when you're inside that convention environment to know if this has been a successful endeavor. Perhaps the best way to see how well it actually went is through the eyes of a more objective observer, a fair and balanced organization that will give you a more clear eyed perspective.
How did Fox News experience this convention at the beginning. I've got to be honest, I'm not sure they cared for it. There's not much joy in this convention hall.
That were empty seats here when as late as when Joe Biden is speaking.
The vibes are off. No one's talking to each other.
This is probably the most boring scene I've ever seen in my NENTI ooh, so boring.
I forgot what a dad devil like you?
And I forgot your life is a never ending joy ride of talking to Brit Hume in between catheter ads on Fox.
Ooh.
The murmer what what? But unfortunately for Jesse canevel over here the next night, even Fox had to acknowledge fire EMOTEI fire remote fire emolgy. People are having a great time down here.
Stevie Wonder just performs and there's more electricity in this room.
Good vibes, and you'll never guess what they had a problem on this night as well.
No one's talking about the actual issues that matter. All about fuzzy puppies and little kittens.
All the joy, all the vibe, all the emotion is nothing but empty calories.
They burn fast and make you fat.
Good vibes aren't gonna you can't eat.
Good vibes right, Oh, So which is it. Do the vibes fatten you up? Or are they emotional ozembic?
Which one?
But I guess you're right. You can't feed your family on vibes. You can only feed your family on immigration fear mongering. You can't eat good vibes. I think you might be confusing vibes with the tomato infused superjacent fondue, the weapon of mass lactation that this city called.
I'll tell you that.
You want to hey, hey, I want to order a pizza?
Oh yeah, you want a personal or backyard pool side? Fuck? Let me tell you this, all right, I will tell you this. The barpies are good, all right, I am.
The point is this.
By the third night of the convention, even at Fox News, the walls came tumbling.
It down, Tim Walls, I said earlier tonight he had to do fine and that would be enough.
Heated grapes for him.
For their proud and I even followed the football metaphors. He'll be a great wing man for Kamala Harris.
Yes, Hawx News now knows the experience of being a Mets fan watching the Yankees always win the World Series.
Yeah, Derek Jeter very downtant. Most of Fox News was admitting defeat, except.
For young Jessie Waters, who bravely continued the pretense that the convention was going badly, even when the footage right next to his fucking head disagree.
Last night wasn't as jubulant as the media tells you.
Seats were empty.
It looked like there was a formal dress code.
The lines that get in the stadium were long and silent.
The only joy in the building was Joy Reid, who nobody even recognizes. You see these liberal media anchors walking around and no one even stops.
Them for selfies, actually feel bad for them. Last night felt at the funeral end.
It was.
Yeah, yeah, last night felt like a funeral, and we all know funerals always have a DJ.
Goodbye, dearest grandfather.
Crunch.
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