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Yow hey, you're gonna doubt your My name is John Stuart, unbelievable show.
They're already exhausted from the olden. By the way, how was your weekend? My weekend was breaking. At this moment, Israel underfire from Iran.
It's just raining rockets with those sirens blaring out.
We do effectively have World War three in progress.
Oh no, not world War three.
I'm still writing a rock war on all my checks. But yes, the skies above Israel were lit up like I.
Want to say Christmas tree, but that's probably not for that area.
Menora is the moment society has dreaded since the arms cysts.
Of nineteen forty five finally upon us.
As Einstein said, he doesn't know what weapons World War II will be fought with, but he knows the next ones will be fought with sticks and stones. This is John Stewart's signing up. May God bless us and everyone and let future civilizations know that we could not overcome our fatal nature.
In the end, there was almost no damage, as is.
The US and other rallies shot down ninety nine percent of Iran's missiles and drones. Huh wasn't World worth three?
I certainly regret doing this.
Oh boy, moment of panic and I guess sort of a primitive instinct.
But is that me did I art garful?
But kudos to the United States and to Israel. It shows just how effective a military defense system can be. When you funnel American dollars away from healthcare and education.
It really helps to build the And the best part is we did it with no help.
The two amigos, surrounded by hostile Arab nations united in their zeal to destroy Israel.
Jordan's air force also intercepted and shot down dozens of drones that violated its airspace and were on their way to Israel.
Now learned that Saudi Arabia and the UAE provided real time intelligence that helped track the incoming missiles. What are the teams in these wars? I don't even know the teams anymore. The Arab countries are helping Israel. I don't know what the teams are. We need to sort this out with jerseys or something, because Iran could attack at any moment.
In a statement, Iran said it now considers the matter concluded.
Hey, do you hear that we're good.
We're good.
We don't. By the way, he was delicious. Really, that's what got anyway, We're gonna be okay.
Israel has vowed it will respond to Iran.
All right, Can I have a word with you Middle East? Over here?
Ah shaloma lekam trying.
To cover all bases.
Listen, I hope this doesn't sound patronizing, but when we in the West drew your region's borders and set you up with perfectly functioning dictatorships.
We expected a little better. See.
The agreement was we would make up a whole new bunch of countries, some of which made sense, and in return, you would give us your delicious oil.
That was the deal.
You give us your delicious oil, and we take it. We certainly didn't expect to get drawn into all the drama that are that our actions created, and now these wars have got us all turned around. At one point, we're helping a rock fight Iran, and then we're invading a Rock, and now we're helping Iron fight Isis, and then we're using Isis to help fight Huthis that are backed by Iran. I mean, you know, in Gaza, we're actually bombing them and feeding them.
How do you think that makes it feel?
Oh? Oh, oh, did you have a nice sandwich?
Run?
Oh?
And apparently now.
There's two kinds of Islam.
I mean, you could have told us that before we got into this. As I said earlier, arbitrarily jerrymandered your homeland.
So do better keep that oil coming the way.
We got enough trouble keeping track of our own wars. Like this weekend, our former president and illustrious historian Donald J. Trump spoke near one of America's most hallowed battlefields. And if you thought Lincoln consecrated Gettysburg with his soaring rhetoric.
Well buckle up Gettysburg.
What an unbelievable battle. That was the Battle of Gettysburg.
What an unbelievable I.
Mean, it was so much and so interesting, and so vicious and horrible and so beautiful in so many different ways. It represented such a big portion of the success of this country. Getty's greg Wow.
That is plagiarized almost directly from my seventh grade book report Gettysburg.
Wow, I did not have on my own.
It was vicious and horrible and beautiful. Is he talking about a Civil war battle or a horse giving birth? It was bloody, but it's life now.
Obviously not a Civil War buff like but unlike me. He even knows all the famous quotes.
I go to get his break Pennsylvania, to look and to watch and the statement of Roberty Lee, who's no longer in favor? Did you ever notice that no longer in favor? Never fight uphill, me boys, Never fight uphill. They were fighting uphill. He said, Wow, that was a big mistake. He lost his great general and they were fighting. Never fight uphill me boys.
It is.
It is true the North did have the higher ground, but I'm pretty sure that Robert E. Lee was not a leprechaun. I never fight uphill, me byes. That's not how to take back the Narth's potty lord. You can't be fighting up here me byes. Also a minor point, but I'm pretty sure Robert Lee would not have told them never fight up hill, since he's the one who told them to fight up hill. He wasn't like, you know, they go up the hill. I'm gonna be so mad if they do that. They go up the hill. Long
Street actually told them they'll go up the hill. That Roberty Lee said.
Me byes will do what they want.
Although, to be fair to former President Donald Trump, he does have a lot on his mind right now.
Out of breaking news, the first ever criminal trial involving a former president will soon get underweight.
Oh my god, Donald, don't run up that hit me bye?
Stay down, Stay down to hear me by, stay down.
Yes.
After years of anticipation, the first criminal trial of a former president has begun, and by all accounts, it is absolutely rivetting.
Forty minutes ago, you wrote to an observation that I was very surprised Trump appears to be sleeping. His head keeps dropping down and his mouth goes slack.
Tell us about.
That, well, Jakie, if you're to be asleep, ay, jake, Well part a head down, ice closed, drool coming of his mouth.
Do you not get over here? He snore it. He's doing the hun shoe, he's doing.
The there's a piece of paper going up and down and.
Up and down, and there's not He's just sleep.
Imagine committing so many crimes you get bored at your own trial. Move on to the good stuff now in case, in case you've lost track, this is the trial where Trump allegedly paid hush money to an adult film star that he slept with and then allegedly falsified business records to cover it up.
Or, as Trump would put.
It, this is an elegical persecution.
This is a persecution like never before.
Nobody's ever seated a big like it.
And again it's a case that should have never been brooked.
It's to the soul character.
And that's why I heard you're having to be here.
Well, it's true.
Trump is always very proud to be part of any assault on America. Look even oh words, yes, mister Stewart, we agree. Look, even if the prosecution is a bit of a stretch, it's not persecution.
The guy's not Nelson Mandela or Jesus.
I don't mind being Nelson Mandela because I'm doing it for a reason.
Trump also shared two articles that compared him to Jesus Christ. One was titled quote the Crucifixion of Donald Trump.
I don't let him crucify you me, boy.
We had full team coverage out of the courthouse in Lower Manhattan today. Here with an update on which Martyr Trump more resembles Jesus or Nelson Mandela. It's Ronnie Chang and Asi Lida. I'm going to start with Ronnie Chang Jesus or Mendela.
Clearly Mendela, all right, both are two heroes unjustly persecuted by a corrupt legal system. And as Mendela often said, and I quote, this is a witch hunt hoax. I've never even met horseface.
I totally disagree. Ronnie Jesus Christ. He's obviously Jesus Christ. It's right there in the New Testament or in its sequel, The Art of the Deal, chapter ten, verse eight, and lo he evicted the rent controlled tenants, and it was good and tremendous and vicious and beautiful Jesus.
Wow.
Oh, hang on, hang on, just think about this second. Okay, Trump and Mendela they both had three wives, eh, Jesus. They even have a serious girlfriend. Okay, the guy had no Riz.
I don't think Rizz is an approvate anyway.
Mendela was in prison for twenty seven years, honey, Yes.
But if you add up all the prison sentences Trump got for other people from January sixth and his campaign and his business, it's way more than twenty seven years. Okay, Trump is like ten Nelson mandelas.
No, Ronnie Trump is Jesus. They both have a ton of buildings with their names on them, filled with portraits of themselves to be worshiped, and they both sold sneakers, gold sneakers.
Hold On, hold on, I'm sorry to interrupt that this is ridiculous.
Okay, Johnson, everybody.
Trump is not Mandela or Jesus. Okay, we all know that Donald Trump is oj.
H.
I don't think that, did you say? OJ?
Yeah?
John OJ Trump? They were both iconic celebrities in the eighties. Plus Donald J. Trump is the j for juice probably, but most importantly, their obvious guilt didn't deter their loyal fans, who either think they're innocent or don't care they're guilty.
Jesus had loyal fans not like this.
So if he's OJ, you're saying that whether or not Trump's slept with Stormy Daniels or paid Stormy Daniels hush money, it's not gonna matter. He's walking away a free man.
Yes, And personally, I'm excited for the moment in the trial when Trump will drop his pants and say, if the glove don't fit, you must.
Have quit.
Y guilty and Josh, everybody, We've got so much to talk about tonight. Trump's got himself a real New York jury, red Lobsters and trouble Girl, and the newest Olympics b is gynecology. So let's get to that line. Let's begin let's sports, all right, It's now just one hundred days into the Summer Olympics. When we find out which are the world's athletes? Is most like a dolphin? So yesterday Nike unveiled the new Team USA uniforms, and one of the options for women's track and field is getting a
lot of attention. Oh is this not getting your attention? Zoom in zoomn right, we got your attention. Now look at this. That doesn't even come into a mannequin's pussy and she ain't even got one. This outfit should not be for Team USA, Team Brazilian. Absolutely, And what is the point of this? Are they trying to distract the other competitors? Folks just slamming in aurs like, oh, I forgot to jump. I was looking at that vagina. Don't nobody want to see this? What we want to see
is that man from Tonga put him up? I miss you. In other sports news, NBA player John tay Porter recently got caught gambling on his own team and even faking injuries to influence bets, and today the NBA banned him for life. It's the harshest punishment the NBA can hand down, besides making you play for the Detroit Pistons. I mean, I guess it's easier to fake an injury than to play better, but still, fixing games is an unacceptable thing for an NBA player to do. Now if it was
the WNBA, I mean, listen, they are underpaid. You need a side hustle. You gotta do what you gotta do with this. Now. Moving on, if you're going on ad anniversary dinner, I got some news for you. Red Lobster is considering filing for bankruptcy, which is ironic because every customer in Red Lobster is already broke. Now. The report says it's because of expensive leases and labor costs, but you know who I blame. Men. That's right, y'all aren't
living up to Beyoncey standards. Y'all. Not your woman good enough to earn that trip to Red Lobster. That's what happened. Your dick game is weak, and now an entire restaurant chain is going under should be ashamed of yourselves. But this doesn't affect me though. I get my seafood from the tank set an aquarium.
Anyway.
See, I'm dating this guy who gets into school again and cleans the glass. He brings me the best up. Have you ever had a luga? Well? Ooh, it's delicious. But go to the big story, the trial of Donald cell Block J. Trump and another edition of America's Most Tremendously Wanted. The whole thing is a scam. The courthouse is on break today, you know, because it's Wednesday. So when they let out yesterday, Trump celebrated with a little tour of New York's hotspots. New York City may be
heavily democratic, but former President Trump campaigned there anyway. Tuesday, visiting a bodega after.
Jury selection in his Manhattan hush money trial wrapped up for the day.
Movie star, it's going to be a movie star? Huh?
You are you kidding me? Donald Trump? You're gonna tell an immigrant father that his son should get into acting? What is wrong with you? As soon as you leave, the dad is gonna be like, don't you listening to that crazy man? You're taking this store over When I die By the way, if you're from New York, you know it killed all those guys. Have Trump standing there in the store wasting everyone's time. That owner was two seconds from being like, hey, Donald, buy something. I get
the fuck out now, I will say. I mean, I'm surprised Trump didn't hit up the lotto machine while he was there. Dude, owes over five hundred million dollars in fines. Can you imagine owing so much money that you have to hit power Ball just to get back to zero. Now, as for the actual trial, this week is all about picking a jury. And it might seem impossible to find twelve New Yorkers with an unbiased opinion of Donald Trump, but they're actually making some progress.
This morning, seven jurors are sworn in to hear the historic criminal case against Donald Trump. So far, there are three women and four men. The foeman's originally from Ireland and still has the accent.
Yeah, yeah, he better still have the accent. What's the point of telling me he's from Ireland if he doesn't have the accent. An Irishman with no accent is just a white dude in America. It's funny how the news can only point out someone's accent if they're white, you can be sure. Wolf Blitzer is never gonna be like he's originally from China and he still got the accent. No, Wolf Blitzer, You're gonna get cancer, friend, can so? And look, if you're gonna be found guilty, you want to hear
it in an Irish accent. It's so pleasant and charming. He's like, looks like you're training in a pedigatus for some toilet wine. Me like, I don't know why we look for me to do an Irish accent. It sounds crazy anyway. Aside from Patty McGee, who else is on this jury.
It's an interesting cross section of the kind of people in Manhattan. The jury of Donald Trump's peers.
There's an oncology nurse who said no one is above the law. A teacher from a family of police officers said President Trump speaks his mind. That a grandfather from Puerto Rico who called Trump fascinating and mysterious.
Fascinating and mysterious. He's not a Chanello fragrance. And this dude is the least mysterious person in life. He tells us everything he's thinking. I know the names of all the people he's at sex with I heard the details of what his penis looks like like the only mysterious thing about him is what animal they made his wig out of. For more on the jury selection, let's go live to the courthouse with Josh John Zay. So, Josh, what's the rest of the jury gonna look like?
Well, ideally they'll end up with a jury that represents New York and they already have a nurse, a teacher, and a Puerto Rican So now they just need a white woman who calls herself a witch and feels bad about gentrifying but definitely isn't moving. I'm told they're also looking for a subway masturbator and someone with a history, someone with a history of being stabbed or stabbing, and to represent the views of Staten Island, they're looking for
firemen or a racist. Raise is the guests who ideally everybody And of course they're definitely going to want a young black man who's nicely dressed, non threatening and standing outside the courthouse right now, Josh, are.
You trying to get them the jury?
No?
I mean, if i'm called upon, that's my civic duty to sure, yes, yes, yes, I want to be on the jury.
Yes, yes, Josh, Why no one wants jury duty. The only people who don't get out of jeury jewy are the ones who are stupid or hate their families.
Jokes on you will say I don't have a family or stupid, Yo, what Look, The point is in this economy. The point is in this economy you need steady work, and being on a Trump trial is the steadiest work. This gig could last me for decades.
It's forty dollars a day. You can't make a living off that.
That's because you're not factoring in the potential bride money. I'm not leaving anything on the table. Look, look, Trump, are you looking? Look Trump, I'm talking to you.
Trump.
Look now, hey boy, woit boy, Look look at the TV. Now, for four hundred dollars, you walk free. For four point fifty, I'll put Stormy Daniels in jail. Okay, I don't even know if I can do that, but I'm gonna try. As long as I can walk out of that courtroom with a check and a mink coat.
You can't pull off a meat coat. You're gonna look like a pre pubescent Kat Williams. So you don't care about this trial. You just want to be on the jury for selfish reasons.
Yeah, obviously this thing's a cash cow. All these jurors are gonna get book deals, daytime TV appearances. At least one of them is gonna be on the mass singer and I think I have what it takes to be a sexy wombat.
It's not easy money. Being part of a high profile trial is exhausted.
Not this one. I can nap whenever Trump is napping. I'll dip my head when he dips his head. I'll bop up when he bops up. As long as we snore in rhythm, nobody will notice.
Josh be serious. The leading presidential candidate is on trial. Isn't there a chance that he might finally face justice? Thanks justice at just shopping everybody else.
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