ICYMI: Jon Stewart Explains Legal Corruption in Congress and Desi Lydic Covers Biden’s Feisty Debate Challenge to Trump

You're listening to Comedy Central. We're getting into the news.

As you know, the fascinating penis themed trial of Professor Donald Bartholomew Trump continued today. What you might not know is that it is not the only salacious, high level government official trial going on today, because right across the street in New York's famed public corruption district, New Jersey Democratic Senator Robert Menendez.

My god, Menendez turned heel.

They're not booing, They're well, they were booing. Yes, that's he faced his first day of reckoning.

Federal prosecutors alleged the former chair of the powerful Senate Foreign Relations Committee conspired with his wife, Nadine, to accept bribes from a trial of wealthy businessmen in exchange for political favors to help the governments of Cutter and Egypt.

The powerful senator allegedly pressured the Department of Agriculture to help an associate maintain a monopoly on the importation of halal meat to the United States.

I don't mean to get sentimental here, but in what other country in the world can a Cuban American senator were canned in hand with an Egyptian born businessman to corner the halal meat market, living in America.

But yes, Senator Menendez is accused of using his access and influence as a senator to illegally help a variety of shady governments and clients.

But what have us? Do we really have?

Federal agents search the Menendez home in June twenty twenty two, finding over four hundred and eighty thousand dollars in cash.

Two bags filled with one hundred thousand dollars each, one hundred thousand dollars worth of gold bars Hayman's toward a mortgage.

The Mercedes Benz convertible.

Furniture, exercise equipment, even an air purifier, four boots stuffed.

With cash, cash even found in the senator's embroidered congressional jacket.

Sacrilege, cash in the lining of a congressional jacket, which.

Oddly enough is reversible.

But the money is in his house, and his jacket, in his boots, he's lining in his pockets, but none of it ties the money to Menendez or Egypt.

The indictment says, upon returning from one trip to Egypt, Menendez performed a web search for how much as one kilo of gold worth?

Damn you?

Metric system.

I would have gotten away with the two who went for your meddling kids in your base ten system of measurements and weights.

There could be a lot of reasonable, benign.

Explanations for why a senator's house would be stuffed with cash and gold bars, home heating insulation perhaps, or.

Something stupider.

According to The New York Times, his lawyers now offering a new explanation as to why he had thousands of dollars in gold in cash in his home. They say that the habit is rooted in traumatic family history.

These are simply my emotional support gold balls whenever I am Whenever I am not with them, I get anxious. People respond to trauma in different ways.

Now, when it comes to any trial, the first step, of course, and we've seen this play out endless times, finding an impartial jury.

Defense attorneys have proposed asking perspective jurors if they have opinions about people from New Jersey, and do they think that because they are from New Jersey that they're more likely to break the law.

You motherfucks, you bury one union leader at your football stadium whilst running a human organ trafficking ring through some secauca's rabbis, and suddenly a whole state is a suspect.

You believe this tone? Huh tone? You believe this anti New Jersey discrimination, That's what it is.

So obviously this is shaping up to be one of the more cartoonishly blatant corruption cases in some time. Jersey guy with gold bars stuffed in his jacket and a nice freezer of some halal meets anything else that might speak to the general character of this United States.

Senator Menendez has denied any wrongdoing. According to court filings, his lawyers indicate he may try to blame his wife.

Yes, it's those three magic words that every woman is dying to hear.

It was her, she did it. You know.

I feel a lot worse for her if she wasn't also demonstrably a terrible person.

But perhaps read up on it.

Perhaps I can't explain everything right now.

I'll just say this an awful.

But perhaps the dumbest thing about this entire not quite believable Real Housewives episode is how unnecessary it all is. You, sir, are an elected official in America's most respected legislative body.

It's like a license to print money. You don't need to break the.

Law so cartoonishly when the legal corruption in the Senate so fucking lucrative, Which brings us to our new segment, Senator Robert Menendez, how dumb is you, as a New Jersey resident, as a constituent of yours? Senator Menendez, I have to ask, with all due respect, how dumb is you promising favors to foreign entities for a little chump.

Change on the side. It's bush league when as.

A US Senator you can enrich yourself in so many different let's call them legal ways.

For instance, the stock.

Market, members of Congress's stock portfolios consistently beat the SMP five hundred.

The average hedge fund was beating the market at seven percent.

The study found that the average US senator was beating a stock market by twelve percent.

The average US senator.

And if you think it's because the average US senator is just so smart, this is the average US Senator Tommy Tupperville, an ex football coach who doesn't know the three branches of government. Oh, but when it comes to the stock market, he sees the matrix.

How do they do it well?

The secret is a shrewd understanding of the intricate interconnectivity of global markets.

I'm kidding, they have inside information.

California Congressman Democrat the named Alan Lowenthal, his wife sold cheers of Boeing March fifth of twenty twenty. The very next day, the committee on which he serves in the House released a damaging report on the Boeing seven thirty seven.

Max, Oh my god, what timing you see that?

See the rest of us only find out about Boeing's problems as we're being sucked out of the fuselage meg flight to flying out over the wings.

You're flying in the air over the wags. Sal Sal. I don't think they're good. And it happens all the time.

North Carolina Senator Richard Burke received a private briefing in twenty twenty about how bad the COVID pandemic was going to be for America, and he immediately sold off his stocks, saving himself a small fortune. Of course, he had a reasonable explanation.

We wanted to ask you about those stock trades americ in February of twenty twenty. You know, the SEC says that you had a material non public information when you made those trades.

I did look at what you put out. How is that not insider training.

I'm so sorry, sir, I wanted to answer your question if there.

Was a button that kept these elevator doors open. By the way, for.

Those of you at home who don't have a gold plated elevator, you can avoid these types of questions yourself just by pretending to take the stairs.

Oh, I'm sorry, I can't believe tell you that I must go.

I'll take an elevator back home. I would do that bit more, but my knees as soon as I did the first one, because I didn't do it in rehearsal. I did it just now, and I was like, that's not a good idea. That's one of those who were like, stop the taping and pull me back out.

Now.

You might be wondering yourself, how does Congress get away with all this? Well, it may be because Congress is regulated by let me check my notes, Congress, and it's Congress that has refused to even hold a vote on the bills that have been proposed to ban members of Congress from trading stocks, because not letting members of Congress insider trade.

Would be un American.

Just listen to one of the biggest beneficiaries of this stock windfall.

You should members of the Congress, and there's thousands feed ban from trading individual stocks while serving in Congress.

Now, I don't know to the second mind, this is a free market in people.

We are free market economy.

They should be able to participate in.

That ah free market. Excuse me, misfigure. I don't mean to interrupt. I'm a Martha Seward from the Why did I go to jail Times?

Figure? Why did I go to jail? But here's the thing.

In a free market, everyone has access to the same information. So unless you're going to put all of us on the committees, I don't get it now. To be fair, Congress does have rules against corruption. Members of Congress are not allowed to receive what might be viewed as enticements or bribes from obvious no free concert tickets. They cannot accept food, baked good sandwiches.

Et cetera. It just would not be proper.

But in Congress's infinite wisdom, they do allow organizations to set up what are called leadership packs, where a congressperson can turn political donations from lobbyists into slush funds. A pharma lobbyist cannot buy a senator a panini and some niquill but through the pack they can pay for five star hotels for Kirsten jillibrand luxury resorts for Ted Cruz, and even golf lessons for Rand Paul. It's all in Einriein's famous book at Liz Puttage.

It's corruption.

Really, that's milliterate crowd. I read that in Cottage Jackson. This is corruption in plain sight. We won't accept gifts, but if I want to have a luxury experience and you would like to pay for it and then join me on set experience where we can discuss issues important to you and your industry, Who's the wiser, right, Senator Mike Lee of Utah.

Shortly after this slope side lunch for twenty two friends, we decided to ask Senator Mike Lee and just why he's doing this.

Politicians raise funds, and this is what we do.

I just want you like this. I enjoy skab and thank you very much. Yeah, thanks a lot.

From now on, I am ending every uncomfortable conversation I ever have about anything with I enjoys gay.

Good day. But but.

Our luxury lobbying vacation is still too much work, Senator Menendez, because you could always write laws that directly benefit your side business, like the way Senator Chuck Grassley netted three hundred and seventy thousand dollars in farm subsidies, or the five point three million dollars the California Rep. Doug LaMalfa got for his gentleman farm. And by the way, for that much money, you better be growing actual gentlemen. It's

I don't even understand why that would be a question.

Everybody's family.

My father was a corporate lobbyist, like his father and his father before whom.

Yes, everybody's family does something.

For instance, your daughter might receive unusually green lighted Chinese patents, or your son in law might receive billions and no questions asked Saudi Investment, or your son might get a lucrative seat on a corporate board.

Let's hear Hunter explain that one away.

If your last name was in Biden, do you think you would have been asked to be on the board of Barisma I don't know.

I don't know, probably not.

Holy shit, all the senators and representatives who dodged and prevaricated and wouldn't answer any questions. You know you're in trouble when the most honest and transparent person in a story of government corruption is the ex crackhead. Yeah, now you mightn't.

I don't know if I like John Stewart anymore. Malliam.

Now you might think someone should step in and stop Congress from being able to enrich themselves.

Perhaps a Supreme Court.

Well, it come as no surprise that the same guys who think it's fine to accept a luxury winnebago from a wealthy businessman have made it much harder to police corruption. In a decision called McDonald versus the United States, they said that the appearance of corruption is not nearly enough for it to be considered against the law.

It must be.

This very narrow quid pro quo idea.

You know, I'm going to give you kind of like a cartoonish sack of money in exchange for an actual vote.

Whilst twirling my handlebar mustache at every turn.

Our Congress and our courts have been given a choice be less corrupt or redefine what constitutes corruption and get on with your bad selves. It's a game of reverse limbo. Having trouble getting under the bar of corruption we've set, well, how about now? Robert Menendez's gold bars in exchange for

Let's begin with King Charles, the undisputed winner of white privilege. It's been one year since he was crowned eldest Boy, and he just got the photos.

Developed mixed reaction this afternoon on the portrait just unveiled of King Charles.

Take a look.

It is the first since his coronation. The oil on canvas work of art features the King dressed in all red with a red background.

He's wearing the uniform of the Welsh Guards.

But there's also a butterfly landing over his right shoulder.

Oh, I just remembered I have to buy tampons.

Tampons now.

Obviously, this is a pretty big departure from other portraits of the royal family. For example, Queen Elizabeth was often painted with her beloved corgies. Compare that to Charles, who looks like he was painted with her corgies. Once Christy Nome was finished with I do like having the butterfly there. Though it says I may be King of England, but I still love that song that goes, come my Lady, Come Come Malady, Yoma butterpla sugar Baby. It's a great song.

It looks like.

Today was going to be a quiet day on the campaign trail Wednesday, so Donald Trump had the day off from his porn star hush money trial, which he was going to spend trying to guess Milania's new phone number, but his arch nemesis, Joe Biden, had other plans.

And breaking news just moments ago, President Biden throws down the gauntlet and frankly, some shade to Donald Trump, challenging him to a debate.

Donald Trump lost two debates to me in twenty twenty. San Sandy hadn't shown.

Up for debate.

Now he's acting like he wants to debate me again. Will make my day, pal, I'll even do it twice. Let's pick the das Donald. I hear you're free on Wednesdays.

Shit.

Yeah, So that's the Joe Biden I know, and moderately like he scared to nothing besides natural causes. I got to admit there was part of me that thought Joe Biden would be afraid to debate Donald Trump, because you know, debating involves a lot of talking and think and standing. But whooa, the way that he powered through that fourteen second video makes me think he's got this.

Now.

I don't know exactly why he dropped this challenge. Now, maybe he heard all those stories about Trump sleeping through the trial and thought I can take this guy.

We're on the same map schedule.

But come on, Trump, skipped every primary debate like it was for play. There's no way he's going to accept Biden's challenge.

The former president responded to that video this morning on truth Social saying, just tell me.

When I'll be there. Let's get ready to rumble.

Oh shit, it's on. Yeah, let's get ready to rumble. Make my day. I see dead people.

I want you to draw me like one of your French girls.

Wednesdays, we wear pink. Welcome to Jurassic Park. Yeah, we're making moves now.

Biden and Trump have a agreed to debate, but they still need to agree on a date and a host, and those logistics don't just come together within forty five minutes.

President Joe Biden and Donald Trump have just accepted CNN's invitation to hold a debate on June twenty seventh.

That's just been a few weeks.

Wow, okay, June twenty seventh, Joe Biden is going to be debating Donald Trump.

Yay, I can't wait to watch like this. But yeah, everything moved so quickly.

Biden dropped that video and by noon they had scheduled two debates. It's amazing how when they want to do something they can get it done super fast. That kind of makes you wonder why they don't fix other problems this fast.

But whatever, you'll enjoy it now.

Obviously, there are still details to be worked out, because even though Joe Biden said make my day, he really meant make my day subject to terms and conditions.

The Biden campaign wants the debate to occur inside a TV studio with microphones that automatically cut off when a speaker's time limit ellapses, and they want it to be just the two candidates and the moderator, without the raucous in person audiences that mister Trump feeds on, and without the participation of Robert F. Kennedy Junior or other independent or third party candidates.

Yeah, I get where Biden's coming from on this. You don't want crowds because they give Donald Trump energy, and you don't want rfk Junior because you can't risk losing to the guy with the brainworms.

So they have to work out the details.

Trump has to agree to Biden's stipulations, and he might have demands of his own, like you know, every candidate gets a get out of jail free card, or the debate moderator has to be a lady and she has to kiss them on.

The mouth like the old family food.

For more on this looming presidential debate, we go live to Michael Costa at CNN. Had Michael, how are the candidates preparing?

Both sides are buckling down, DESSI. President Biden is doing his classic pre debate ritual of a glass of hot tea and an IV full of methemphetamines. Meanwhile, Trump's team is teaching him how to dig a tunnel through concrete with a spork so he'll be able to break out of prison.

Okay, but Michael, is all this even necessary? And both candidates have already been president, We're not going to learn anything new about their policies.

Yeah, but this debate is not about learning their policies. It's about giving the American people a chance to see which candidate, medically speaking, has the least fixed up body. Neither of them are giving us any details about their physical or mental health, so this is our only chance to get them in a room together and see if they can do presidential tasks like talk coherently for an hour or not hemorrhage blood through an orifice.

Okay, so you're saying that the American people should see this less as a debate and more as a secret medical exam.

Yeah, yeah, yes, which is why I suggest that CNN adds some additional stipulations. For example, the candidates should each defend their tax policy while following this.

Finger with their eyes.

Or have them bend down and lift a five pound kettlebell and see who breaks the least amount of bones. Or bring out one of their grandkids and see if either of them know whose grandkid it is. Or simply just see which one of them can start a lawnmower.

Okay, so basically, we evaluate their physical and mental health, and whoever scores the highest gets to be president.

Absolutely not, No, this is all a ruse.

Once we get Biden and Trump in a room together, we can lock the door and the rest of us can sneak out of America. Then that will start a new country with younger candidates, you know, ones whose first kiss wasn't in the backseat of a Model T.

Michael.

Even if we could do that, at some point, Biden and Trump would find their way to this new country.

Right maybe, but the only entrance will be through a spiral staircase.

So good luck.

You thought of everything seeing our new nation buddy Michael Costa.

Everyone to.

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paaramount Plus.

This has been a Comedy Central podcast