You're listening to Comedy Central. Sam. It's a big day for Donald Trump.
Huge.
His campaign for president was interrupted today by the trial about the other time that he had tried to run for president. Let's just check in in another installment of America's Most tremendously Wanted, the whole thing.
Is a scam.
After a week of jury selection, today it was finally time for opening statements, and it turns out the prosecution and the defense do not see eye to eye.
The prosecution arguing that Trump's alleged scheme to keep an adult film actress quiet his election interferes pure and simple.
In those words, Trump defentional lawyer Todd Blanche told the jury that the former president, though did not violate the law. M that's right. This is a classic case of the State of New York versus Oh.
Oh no, dude. I think it's pretty clear you did it anyway.
This trial will obviously be a test of the fairness of the American legal system, but it's also a tested the media's ability to cover Donald Trump in a responsible way, a task they have acknowledged they've performed poorly in the past.
I think to the degree that the media had lessons during sixteen they seem to have been learned.
It was irresponsible for cable news networks to give Donald Trump hours and hours of free airtime.
Way too much speculation and liberal wishful thinking and attempts to connect dots that did not connect.
It gets the media's responsibility to not get distracted.
I think we were much too busy chasing after shiny objects.
All of us have learned some very valuable lessons from the last couple of years in delineating what's significant, what's important.
So brave, well done, and I think for this trial we will see the seeds of that introspection bear fruit, or we will learn that learning curves are for pussies.
Here we go.
It's on, it's happening. History will be made.
Shaping up to be the trial of the century.
Maybe the trial of the century, the trial of the century.
But just might be the trial of the century. The taxman is here, Donald Trump.
You will finally be forced to face the music.
The legal walls closing in around Donald Trump.
The legal walls are starting to close in on Donald Trump.
Yes, this time, mister Bond, it truly is you're doing now, If you'll excuse me, I'm going to leave this room. Obviously, when I leave, I'm not going to press this button right here that opens all the door and dismantles the killing machine I've established.
Don't follow me, mister pot.
Perhaps if we limit the coverage to the issues at hand and try not to create an all encompassing spectacle of the most banal of details, perhaps that would help.
You're looking at live pictures in New York City of Donald Trump's motivate.
It's about a twenty minute drive between Trump Tower and the Court building.
Trump leaving Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue. They're now making their way across town along fifty seventh Street.
They just crossed Park Avenue, making their way up towards Lexison Avenue.
He's heading down the FDR to the Manhattan Courthouse on Chamber Street, arriving at this intersection of American history with defiance.
Arriving at the intersection of American history with defiance. The brilliant juxtaposing of the gravitas of the moment with simple traffic terms was I've got the intersection of American history where you put a quarter in the parking meter of Deestine leaving the car looking to avoid stepping in the urine puddle of jurisprudence. Seriously, are we going to follow this guy to court every in day? Are you trying to make this oj It's not a chase he's commuting.
So the media's first attempt, the very.
First attempt on the first day it self control failed and I'm sorry to say that.
I'm sorry. Hold on, we're getting breaking news. You know, he wanted to get a jury seated, so we had a lady.
Bil, I'm sorry interrupted, I've just for one second, I apologize. We're just showing the first image of Donald Trump from inside the courtroom. It's a still photograph that we're showing there. Just don't want to make sure our viewers know what they're looking at.
Yes, for our viewers who are just waking up from a thirty year coma, this is what Donald Trump has looked like every day for the past thirty years.
Same outfit.
So we have a photograph of Donald Trump in the courtroom, But do we really know what he looks like? The man is a mystery, a yetti if you will. Anything could be a deep fake. Do we have an eyewitness account, perhaps from a dismissed juror would.
You describe to me what you saw with Donald Trump while you were sitting inside of that courtroom?
Very much? He was a bit ahead of me and off to the left.
I didn't have a complete view of him today.
Dude, wait, did I have jury duty this week? The brother the dresses like me too.
This is, anyway, coming up more of our three part interview with a guy who nearly saw Donald Trump at the chor rap. So we have a photograph. That's freaking me out that picture. We have a photograph, and we have eyewitness accounts, but do we have anything in a pastel.
A courtroom sketch that we're getting in right now? I'm looking at the courtroom sketch and mister Trump looks like he is glowering. I'm not sure if that's supposed to be a glower or just a glance. And I don't know how it's art it's not necessary. It's artistic journalism, but it's not a photographic.
Why are you showing it to us?
It's this sketch. Why would anyone analyze a sketch like it was? It'd be like looking at the Last Supper and going, why do you think Jesus looks so sad here. What do you think is what do you think it's because of Judas? What if we interview one of the waiters at one of the tables from like a different section of the restaurant, who maybe didn't actually see him.
But what you know we got time to kill Well, I guess we'll never.
Know unless we could talk to the person who drew the sketch.
But do we have the time? Nothing?
But Christine Cornelis, who's in the courtroom today, the official sketch artist.
I want to show one of your sketches.
Stay, we're going through some of them, but this one appears in this one that his eyes are closed.
What was happening here? My apologies, ma'am.
I was sitting fifty feet away.
I was having such.
A struggle to try and get those eyeballs in.
Damn it, woman, don't Donald Trump have eyeballs on?
No?
Man, dunty, oh no, you are in the room. Tell me or I will not come to your trinket shop in newpaulse Tell me, woman, what the heck are we doing? Uh? I notice here his head is perfectly round? What is that? Well? I like drawing circles at this point you're brisying yourself.
How many television hours have they devoted to what Donald Trump, a man who has not been off any of our screens for more than thirty seconds.
In the last eight years. Looks like the answer is not nearly as many hours. As describing his every.
Movement, Trump craned his neck to eye prospective jurors and flashed a tight lip smile.
Leaning to the left a little bit quiet, his arms crossed as well.
Hunched over with his elbows on the desk.
Looked through papers.
It periodically whispered to his attorneys, fidgeted.
And leaned back.
The scowl fixed to his face while he sat squinting.
He was actually biting his lip during today's proceedings.
His lips cursed in that characteristic Trump way.
His eyeballs gone. The hulking former president stood up slowly. He walked towards me with a mixture of desire, scorn, and let's call it age related confusion. It was then that I realized that this former president of the United States has a front butt.
Look.
At some point in this trial, something important and revelatory is going to happen, but none of us are going to notice because the hours spent on his speculative facial tics.
If the media tries.
To make us feel like the most mundane bullshit is earth shattering, we won't believe you when it's really interesting. It's your classic boy who cried Wolf Blitzer.
Look, it's a trial. It's boring. Mostly I've been on jury duty and I can do That's not me. That's a different guy. Why it's not me? It may be me.
Look, trials are a lot of procedural shit and side conferences and sidebars and what's exhibit thirty seven to two A.
And you're not out of order. This whole corn is out of it. Look.
The one person who's had the most normal reaction to the trial so far is Donald Trump.
Donald Trump fell asleep on multiple days during his criminal trial, as he should.
I mean, he's been up since two am, range tweeting he needs his anger sleep.
But we got a long ways to go here.
It's the first day of the first of his four hundred and thirty eight trials.
To come pace yourselves, And if you're bored, you can.
Always start planning how you're going to up covering his next trial and the sober mia coppa you'll deliver during his next term as president. Because the kinds of things that you are talking about now are okay?
I know that voice.
Oh my god, oh my god, Oh my god. Jessica Williams, Jessica, how are you?
Are you down at the CoreOS? Are you there to give us a report? Uh?
Yeah, I am, And here's my report. John Stewart hates fun.
This trial rocks.
Why you gotta be all get off my lawn about it?
I don't necessarily sound like that.
But close as I was explaining, though the media has systematically failed.
To context, John, Please, you're killing me, my poor sweet naive older than I remember, John, What we need this messy bullshit spectacle. Every other news story is a massive bummer. This Trump trial is like an open window and a greyhound bus full of farts.
Why are you.
Trying to close the window, John, Why are you trying to make a smell farts?
I'm not trying to make a smell, Jo, You're not trying to make a don't This trial is a gift.
An extremely gross old man slash former president might go to prison for banging a porn star and trying to pay her off, And.
You don't want us to cover that ship all day long.
John, The first witness is named David Pecker.
I that.
I mean, it's David Pecker.
You know, pecker is slang for wiener.
John, it's a peepee a peeper.
Uh you know what a dingle love dongle love you when you say peep.
But then the peeper, Yeah, wouldn't that be the owner of the pepe.
Different contact, Okay, the other the peeper grammar police.
I'm just saying, Look.
I don't want to get in the weeds about it, Okay, I just want to make sure that I'm clear that I'm talking about the name David Pecker and that it has a double meeting and the meaning.
Is for wiener.
Shit.
I know, I'm kai.
I've missed you. I missed you terribly.
Shit.
And then here you come with your old timey hi falutin media critique, ruin in our good time, just like you ruin the twenty twelve Daily Show Christmas Party.
I didn't ruin that.
What's not fun about mocktails? And Tofurky, I didn't ruin it. Looks I hear what you're saying. But I thought my commentary on the sketch artist was quite treacherous.
Oh you want to talk about court room sketches.
Look at this when when when.
I miss Walter Cronkai, I have a pen and I scribbled nonsense on my script before.
The show starts.
Oh no, the met's lost again.
Weird?
Did you my god, Jeff, did you actually draw out of me?
Yeah?
Dude, because it's fun to do and people like fun.
John Damn.
Anyway, I should get going. I think I see Pecker across the.
Street, David Pecker. I'm not sure.
Who's penis it is? Actually Jes Worries.
Everybody go to them, Joe, I'm going clever and he is Ronnie Jane.
Hey, hey, I can speak for myself. Can you help me say this next?
But I definitely can. We got so much to talk about tonight. Joe Biden gets into a fight with Papa New Guinea, TikTok might be banned forever, and we find out why people are yelling at your car.
But first, Donald Trump is being gag and tortured. So let's watching, you perverts and our ongoing coverage of America's most tremendously wanted.
The whole thing is a scam.
Today it was the second day of Trump's hush money trial, and the first witness was the editor of the National Inquirer. He testified that to help Trump win the twenty sixteen election, he would buy scandalous stories about Trump and then bury them. And what a great job he did. I can't think of a single Trump scammer.
Or they could even get into that.
They had to hold a separate hearing to find out if Trump violated a gag order when he threatened jurors and witnesses, and that hearing did not go.
Well for Trump.
It was a pretty wild and intense hearing on Donald Trump's gag order. It all turned into a very heated exchange between the judge and Trump lawyer Todd Blanche, who argued that Trump is being very careful, while a clearly frustrating judge Mrshawn responded, mister Blanche, you're losing all credibility with this court.
Minutes after the hearing ended, Trump attacked the judge on social media, calling him a kangaroo court.
Wow, this guy is incapable of keeping his mouth shut for two minutes. Has Trump ever considered paying himself hush money and think about it? But this is a complicated issue about balancing rights. Basically, the prosecution's argument is that a juror has the right to feel safe while serving on Donald Trump's jury, while Donald Trump's argument is that that juror lives at thirty four West fifty second Streets, and maybe someone should pay that juror visit and straighten him out.
This gag order is serious.
Trump might have to pay up to one thousand dollars per violation.
Yeah, one thousand dollars. That's not gonna stop Trump from talking. Okay, you gotta deal with this like any other tantrum. You gotta give Trump an iPad with Coco Melon on it and let him his own out.
Okay.
Then he's gonna expect Coco Meloon and whenever he's upset.
Okay, Well, we'll give that later, all right. We just need him to stop now.
It's so noise.
I can't even thinking this.
How okay, not what doctor Becky would want anyway.
For more on the.
Results of the gag order hearing, let's go to Desi Leidich.
No, now that the gag order.
Herring is over, they can get back to focusing on the actual trial.
Right.
Unfortunately, no, because during the gag order hearing, Donald Trump made a jerk off motion, so they needed a gag order hearing to see if that violated the gag order before they could get back to the first gag order.
Oh oh, but then after that it's all set.
No, because during that gag order hearing, the judge heard.
Trump saying I'm Judge peepe Head, And when the judge asked, did you just call me judge Peepehead, Trump said he was just rehearsing for a community theater production where.
He plays a judge named peepee Head. So then they had to have a hearing about that.
But once that's done, the actual case.
Yes, but no, because during that hearing, Trump made another jerk off motion, but then he said it wasn't a jerk off motion, So they need a quick hearing to determine how he jerks off, then a hearing about whether he made the jerk off motion, then Judge peep Ahead, then the first jerk off hearing, then the.
Gag order, and then the actual case.
What case, the hush.
The hush money case.
Oh nobody remembers that. Keep up with a news cycle, Jordan, you're at the desk, for God's.
Sake, Thank you DESI, we'll check back in with you later.
Clearly Trump thinks he's being treated unfairly in this trial, and he's not the only one.
Something.
The gag order is just the start of the oppression Trump is facing.
Okay, Jesse, let me start with you.
And the prosecution says this is election fraud, and they say, pure and simple, is it?
I call it pure evil.
They've taken away his freedom of speech, and now they've taken away his freedom of movement. I mean they had more allowances for college shake muhammadad Oh.
Okay, that sounds wild, But I think Jesse Waters is a reasonable man because I was kicked in the head by a horse last week.
So let's hear him out.
How is Trump being treated worse than the mastermind of nine to eleven?
The guy needs exercise.
He's usually golfing, and so you're gonna put a man who's almost steady sitting in a room like this on his butt for all that time.
It's not healthy.
He needs sunlight and he needs activity.
He needs to be walking around, he needs action.
It's really cruel and unusual punishment to make a man do that.
Are we talking about Donald Trump or an old English sheep dog. You can't keep him grouped up all day. He needs time outside or'll pee on the couch.
Look, we all know how Donald Trump loves exercise. It's because of this trial. He's been mobile obese for the last forty years.
Yeah, I mean, though, would Trump even want fresh air and exercise? These actually sound like the punishments the judge would give Trump if he's convicted.
Yeah, no, he's a fresh air and exercises.
Give me the death penalty.
But listen, I'll give Jesse Waters the benefit of the doubt because I was also kicking the head by the same horse. So let's let him continue.
This isn't law fair, it's torture.
They're making a seventy seven year old man sit inside a dingy room for eight hours straight, four days a week.
Wow, eight hours a day, four days a week. It's literally a torture, or, as the rest of the world calls it, a job, a part time job.
To be fair, I mean, this is the same guy who's asking to be president of the United States. I mean, that's got to be at least a forty hour week gig.
I mean, gut over time.
Also, I thought Trump was supposed to be the young, vigorous candidate in the race.
Now what he needs sympathy.
Suddenly he's a poor, elderly man, crippled by the weight of his own body, pulverizing his bones into dust against the jair. You know what, get that horseback out here, because I want to give Jesse one more chance.
They're telling the entire world all the whack goes, this is where the former President's going to be at this date, at this time, surrounded by high rise buildings.
Yes, it's very dangerous for people to know Trump's exact location, which is why he lives in a nondescript building with his name on the front.
The Trump campaign also tells us where he's going to be and exactly when they're called Trump rallies, And it's how I know where to go to get yelled at.
And you know, the worst part about him being on trial is that they're just treating him by something. He's some kind of criminal defendant.
Today, the former president of the United States. If he leaves court to go to the restroom, jail, if he calls the prosecutor corrupt, jail. If Trump moves or set anything, they scream jail.
If he makes US recycling jail. He scratches his crotch jail.
Yeah, he gets a high score on the S A T.
Jail.
His favorite batman, Christian bail.
Yeah, it's favorite vegetable, Fred Froz.
Yeah, definitely not killed.
But he's going to jail. He's he's gonna go. Joe.
Meanwhile, we've done Trump trapped in the courthouse. It was a perfect opportunity for Joe.
Biden to seize the initiative.
And uh, hey man, you got the campaign all to yourself, mister president, time to press your advantage.
The Prime Minister of Papula, New Guinea has angrily denied a false claim by President Biden that his uncle was eaten by cannibals during World War Two.
Those single engine planes as reconnaissance over war zones. He got shot down in New Guinea and they never found the body because it used to be there are a lot of cannibals, for real. In that part.
You're gonna lose the election. Yeah.
Look, at some point we all get to an age where we confuse our own life story with the plot of Indiana Jones.
It happened, It happens. No, it's true. I mean the man's eighty.
Okay, we all have grandparents who tell crazy stories like my grandfather told me that you once wrestled a mountain lion with his bare hands.
Yeah, and my grandfather told me that he cheated on my grandmother through their entire marriage and had a second family.
Get grandma, you goofball?
And can I just say, even if this story was true, Americans, I no position to criticize how anyone else eats. Okay, these cannibals eat people. Yeah, well you know what we eat some way sanguay just to lose weight.
Right, what a cannibal even eat people out of a wreckage. I mean that's like their version of eating roadkill.
Yeah, I know you want you want to eat like past your raise, grass fed humans. And by the way, I know the Prime Minister was upset understandably, but hey, if someone accused my country of being cannibal, I just run with it.
Like, don't with us.
We'll put your dick on a kaiser room down.
That's fair, that's fair. Anyway.
Biden apologized to the Papua near getting Prime minister by inviting him to a dinner with Pete Boodha.
Judge will be.
Served over rights for the balsamic reduction.
So yeah, before we go, this shut back in with did you light ignor at the courthouse?
DESI?
Okay, So any update from.
The gag order hearing?
Actually, yes, the Democrats are now asking for a new gag order.
Oh what what did Trump do this time?
No, they're asking the judge to issue a gag order on Joe Biden. It's really the only way to stop him telling Uncle Cannibal stories.
Wait, the true Democrats are asking Biden. But Biden has a gag or the one that affects his ability to campaign.
Yes.
At this point, the DNC feels strongly that that's his best shot at winning. Otherwise his strongest supporters will be cannibals, and that's a dwindling voting block for obvious reasons.
All right, Deny Living Everybody.
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