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It has been another big week of walla wall, NonStop penis to penis coverage of Donald Trump's trial, from the lingering glamour shots to the trial merch store to a rudimentary court treasure map to.
Second by second real time close.
Capture and transcripting and a QR code you can scan for more coverage. And I guess MSNBC's in room dining menu. Why would you need an The ubiquitous coverage is numbing, fading into televised wallpaper with insight that only occasionally.
Crackles through, such as.
He greeted her at his hotel room in satin or silk pajamas, which.
Both are smooth materials, but satin or weapon, which I need to know.
She said she had.
I had my clothes and my shoes off.
I removed my bra. We were in missionary position.
Missionary wonder Trump has locked up the evangelical voting block.
Unlike those Democrats, and that devil doggy style, that devilish tell us more.
Not wearing a condom don't tell us anymore.
But perhaps this hyper focus by our news media is purposeful to distract Americans by keeping visions of dancing penises.
In their heads.
All the while Americans are losing their freedoms at home.
The Biden Administration's war on energy is reaching into the American home.
What we were.
Penising, Apparently the Biden administration is.
Reaching around.
Into the American home.
Put a stop to the Department of Energies continued crackdown on American made appliances. Never in my wildest imagination, what I have thought that I was staying here on the House floor to defend my constituency appliances and gas dos.
I was proud to lead the House Republican effort to protect our gas stoves.
They can take our lives, but they can never take out cook tops. Apparently, this is a bill that they passed to stop the Biden Administration's new energy regulations. And I'm gonna be one hundred percent honest with everybody here. I'm on the Republican side. I can hate electric stoves, I can't hate them. I cannot cook unless I can see how high the flame is. And I'll be damned if I start burning. My signature Banadas Foster because Joseph Gerbels Biden is trying to ban gas stoves I'm sorry.
I'm being told that that is not as what happened. That's sorry, that's apparently the Department of Energy just set new efficiency standards for home appliances and that ninety seven percent of gas stoves already meet the new standards. So unless this is where you cook, you're probably fine. And even so at the end of the day, I mean, it's just your guess.
Though, it's not just gas stoves. It's your washer, your dryer, your dishwasher, and much more.
They started with gas stoves.
And I did not speak of for I was not a gas stove. Why did I do the Scottish accent for that? That's a isn't that a German homily? All right?
Look, no disrespect to any of these idiots, but I think we can move household appliances down on the threat to democracy list, just below aluminum free deodorant. Clearly this was an overblown reaction, but that doesn't mean that this trial coverage isn't obscuring some true horrors.
They're dead.
The Boy Scouts are dead.
The Boy Scouts, we could pretty much declare, are dead.
Oh my god, the Boy Scouts are dead.
While we were all fixated on the tintillating details of the Stormy Daniels testimony. The Boy Scouts all died, I'm assuming in a terrible s'mores explosion engineered by one Joseph Childs Manson Biden. The Boy Scouts of America is changing its name for the first time in history. The organization will be renamed Scouting America to emphasize its commitment to inclusion of all youth. Oh, the Boy Scouts are alive.
They just rebranded as an organization, partly because they started letting girls in five years ago, and partly because they had a giant molestation scandal. I say that so that no one can hear me or I had a giant molisow. Rebranding yourself is a tried and true formula for many such organizations. In fact, it's why the Catholic Church now goes by the name Gary. So I feel terrible for anybody at home named Gary right now?
What?
So?
What is the issue?
There used to be sacred organizations where the children could really flourish. Is anything sacred?
Bob Brooks?
No, Yeah, nothing is sacred. What did happen to all those sacred organizations?
Gary? But as you all were saying that's.
What happens to institutions in America and really all over the world is patriotic people start these institutions, and the left must destroy it.
It's a sad.
Day when young boys can't learn how to be strong men.
We've wrecked it. Actually they wrecked it.
Okay, I don't want to break character here or anything, but this like this guy who is blaming the left for the loss of our institutions where young boys can become strong men.
His name is Matt Schlap. You may remember him.
He's the head of the American Conservative Union. You may remember that as the strong man.
Who was sued. This guy was sued.
By another fella for non consensually grabbing his dick in twenty twenty two. Yeah, that only got dropped after a reported four hundred and eighty thousand dollars settlement.
The point being, when.
This guy talks about the depravity of our institutions, he knows of what he speaks. All of this false outrage is starting to make me cynical.
It's starting to make.
Me cynical about America's media ecosystem. Is there anything else going on that does merit a defcon one freak out.
In the end, this is a sad day for America, a moral failing of a magnitude we can't even begin to calculate.
Oh my god, I'm moral failing. We can't even begin to calculate.
Perhaps it's a combo failing, an appliance that changed its name to be more inclusive.
Is mister coffee?
Now they them coffee?
Is that? Is that the danger we now.
Face President Biden threatening to withhold more military aid if the Israeli military carries out an all out assault on the city of.
President Biden halting a weapon shipment of thirty five hundred bombs to Israel.
We paused one shipment of high payload munitions.
Oh my god.
The Biden administration has paused one shipment of thirty five hundred munitions of the over three hundred thousand munitions Israel has already dropped on Gaza to try and prevent the Israelis from attacking the area where all the refugees of this war are currently sheltering.
I mean, oh my god. Or to put that another way.
And now, what the Body Minstration has done is he becomes the primary protector of Hamash.
He absolutely is uh siding with the terrorists.
The only reason they're not dancing in Iran is because they don't believe in dancing.
Joe Biden has been the greatest friend Hamas and Hezbollah that there is on planet Earth.
Amen, damn, he's good.
That's nothing, says Gravitas, like the verb.
The only thing we have to fair is fair itself. You people are children that came out wrong. But I am curious why would Biden halt that shipment?
Now I've made it clear to be be in the war cabinet.
They're not going to get our support if in fact they're going these population centers.
If they go into the population centers, the whole place is a population center. They've been in the population center for six months. Gaza's all population center. You know, you never hear around Gaza. Yeah, I don't live in the populated area. I live in upstate Gaza.
I live by the lakes. It's really quiet.
There is there no one who can offer a more nuanced analysis of our newly formulated position on this conflict, preferably in some type of catacomb or echoe tunnel.
Yeah, Bigan is doing with respect to Israeli is disgraceful. If any Jewish person voted for Joke, they should be shave of the jelousy.
My apologies to you, Rabbi, thank you so much for taking time off of your condom less porn star hush money trial to deliver a shame lecture to Jews. I will reflect on your moral standing next to young Kapoor, you can be sure.
What about a Jew who might vote for him twice? What is that?
Shame?
Shame, shame, shamee you ashamed shame.
First of all, guys, American Jews are Americans. We do not have dual loyalties or citizenship. There's nothing for us to be ashamed of.
That's not what Donald Trump says. Donald Trump says, you should be a shame shame.
Shame, shame, So you should have been a doctor.
This is really it made me very uncomfortable.
Donald Trump is just saying that there's good Jews and there's bad Jews, and we need to start identifying.
The bad Jews. I don't like where this is going.
Shame Shame.
On you, Shonda.
Yeah, I'm Jewish too, I did not know that ye on my mother's side, and.
So shame, shame, shame.
As I was saying before, I was really blame shame, shame on you, shame.
Show. I know so, Ronnie, we already did the Israel shame bit. And uh no, I was talking about Deaf to Smoke. Cha.
I spent ten bucks on that movie. Shame shame on you.
It's a good movie.
So are you not a shame?
I'm not listen here, here's here's ten bucks.
Just go, thank you. This makes up with Israel? All right, thank you.
Let's kick things off. Last night's met Gala, now the magical night when the world's most fashionable cultural icons try to figure out how they're gonna fit their spiky headdress into an uber pool.
Fashion's biggest night.
Garden inspired looks on full display right in bloom with this year's dress code, the Garden of Times.
Fans tried to figure out which star was fully covered head to toe in a floor length Beijes umbrella.
Now this is a water singer, Tyla. So many people talking about this. She had to be carried up the stairs of the Met.
The dress, which was made of sand, was simply too heavy.
Okay, okay, a dress made of sand is super impressive. Who are you wearing? Coney island, thank you very much. I like how she had four people carry her up the stairs. I bet Joe Biden saw that and turned to the Secret Service, like, let's just do that from Noah. But the true glam heads weren't paying attention to the met gala because the real action last night was in Moscow. Or Vladimir Putin held an opulent inauguration that just screamed definitely not a dictator for life.
We continued to watch live pictures from Moscow, where Vladimir Putin begins his fifth term as Russian president. The strong Man has already been in office for nearly a quarter century. Putin's new term doesn't end until twenty thirty, and at that point he'll be eligible to run for another six years if he wants. It has been a lavish and opulent ceremony there in Moscow.
Come on, Land, you can't show up to all this in a suit a lot. They got the wizards and the golden walls. You're walking in like you're late from the office. Man, how do you think Merlin over here feels?
Huh?
He's like I went full Hogwarts over here.
Now I feel like a dig flad.
You act like you don't even want to be here, but this is.
Your whole thing.
I mean, I'm not criticizing you. You're the one with the poison, but still we could have done this over zoom. Let's move on to America's Vladimir Putin Donald Trump. It's now week befour of the Trump trial, and boy, time flies when you're constantly falling asleep in court, doesn't it. But I can guarantee you Trump didn't nap during today's testimony, which brings us to our latest installment of America's most tremendously wanted.
The whole thing is scam.
Today was the biggest day yet in the trial of Donald Trump because today Stormy Daniels herself took the stand, and you could tell from the start that the coverage was going to be delicate.
Right now in the courtroom, our reporters in there are sending us notes updates every second that they can, and mister Trump's defense attorney, Susan Nichols is saying, quote, we're informed to the second witness today will be Stormy Daniels. We want to renew our objection to her testifying, particularly about any details of any sexual acts.
That is mister.
Trump's attorney the prosecutors is also saying, quote, in terms of the sexual act, it will be very basic. I can't believe I have to read this on televis day. It's not going to discretion exactly involved in the descriptions of of anything in particular.
So read it.
Oh, come on, Jake Tapper and Dana Bash acting like you're too good for this, Like you've never seen genitalia before. All right, you're very prudish for people whose names sound like poor names. Jake Tapper and Dana Bash and State of the Union. Yeah, Oh, they're gonna smear Kanish all
over your wolf Blitzer, you know. Now. The crux of this case is that Trump allegedly paid Stormy Daniels hush money to cover up their affair just before the twenty sixteen election, And today Stormy Daniels told us exactly what all that money was hushing, starting from the very beginning of the night Donald Trump invited her for dinner in his hotel room.
Daniels testified that when she first entered Trump's hotels Wheet, he greeted her wearing silk pajamas. She says she joked that he stole Hugh Hefner's pajamas and asked him to change, which he did. According to Daniels, when she asked Trump about his wife, he admitted that he and Malania sleep in separate beds. After speaking with Trump for a while, Daniels told Trump he was rude and didn't know how to have a conversation. Someone should spank you with that magazine,
she told him. She says, Trump then rolled up the magazine and quote gave me a look, so she took it from him, told him to turn around and swatted him on the butt.
Oh that poor, poor magazine has in print media suffered enough spanking, silk, pajamas, separate beds. These revelations are so uncomfortably personal that even Drake is like.
Oh, sucks to be that guy.
But if that stuff made you uncomfortable, hold on, it gets worse.
Daniels testified that at one point, prior to them having sex, Trump told her she reminded him of his daughter of Vodka, saying they were both smart, blonde, beautiful women who people underestimated.
Hashtag girl dad uck.
I know it's old news to us that Donald Trump wants to mercanish his daughter, but Remember, the court worked hard to find an unbiased jury, which means there's at least one person on there who was in a coma for the last ten years. And I bet that guy is losing his mind to there.
Are you hearing this? Are you marrying this? Is that the president and his daughter and a port star.
Oh wait, all my friend Prince hears about this.
You know what?
Maybe the actually damning part of all of this is how Trump got Stormy to have sex with him. According to Daniels, he suggested that she could be on the Apprentice. Later, he stripped his underwear and told her, quote, this is the only way you're getting out of the trailer park.
Yikes.
So from isn't just a bad lover who thinks talking about his daughter is an acceptable form of foreplay. He's a creep who dangles career advancement over women to get them to have sex with him, because lord knows they're not in it for the two minutes of thrusting. Personally, I find it disappointing. I mean, who would have thought a man found liable for sexual assault would coerce a woman into sex. I mean, honestly, it's like you can't
even trust sex offenders these days. For more on today's testimony, let's go live to the courthouse with our own Troy Awata.
Troy Y, what's.
The mood down at the courthouse today?
I would say the mood is uncomfy. Like I was so perturbed. I made myself feel better by remembering that time I watched Saltburn with my parents. That's how bad it was today. But I got to tell you, it's pretty brutal hearing someone's dumb horny man moves read aloud in the cold light of a courtroom.
I'm sorry, dumb horny man moves.
You know the things that you say and do right before you have sex with someone for the first time, The sexy stuff that you do in the moment that no one should ever rehash. You know, the faces and phrases like your lips looked like two big worms.
Oh okay, Well, I mean some people's man moves are pretty solid.
I bet okay.
You keep telling yourself that big guy, like, what's your go to move when you get to the bedroom.
Well, I don't know if this is the time or the plant. One time, uh, one time, I said, oh, alaty then just like gay Ventura but it was. It was a good reference because we had both just seen Ace Ventura. I mean she hadn't, but I had explained the movie to her, and it was It's kind of a sexy moment for.
Both of us. Cool. Try.
What's your point that testifying about people's man moves should have no place in the legal system.
No, No, I actually I think the opposite. I think every trial should have it. You know, imagine if every time you committed a crime, the prosecutors could put your X on the stand and describe your most mediocre hookup in grave detail, and then a stenographer and a cardigan.
Wrote it all down, and.
Then Jake Tapper broadcasted on national television.
Yeah, frankly, okay, I see you.
That is a clip place.
I mean, you put it that way, I would be the most law abiding citizen in.
History, exactly.
Yeah.
Right now, I'm about fifty to fifty on committing crimes, like I can see myself counterfeiting stamps. But if it meant I'd have to sit through a retelling of how one night I got on all fours and I said, tell me, you're proud of me, I wouldn't even get a parking ticket. I wouldn't even own a car. This might be the greatest crime deterrent in history.
So you're saying we should just air all of Trump's dirty details in an attempt to lower crime rates.
No, Jordan, I am asking you to tell me you're proud of me.
Oh write then, Troy, you what?
Everybody?
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