You're listening to Comedy Central. Wow, how little friends, it's me, don't say. And today we're gonna learn how the government works. Now, most civics classes will teach you about the President and Supreme Court and Congress and blah blah blah. But you don't need to know any of that. Hell, the biggest thing Congress does for you has flooded your inbox every fifteen minutes. The future of the world depends on me
sending ten bucks to some dumbass and Rhode Island. I'm gonna tell you about the parts of the government you'll meet and feel like. Let's start with the T s A. That's the part of the government in charge of feeling you up and confiscating your little shampoo bottles filled with Hennessy. Here's the tip, kids, always drink your booze before you get on the flight. M And do you know how the T s A gets away with harassing us like this?
Just because the men? That's so damn fun. Next, we've got the I R S. You know how the mafia collects protection money. This is sort of like the same thing. You see, whatever you make, the government wants a taste, and the I R s are the guys who come to get it. But don't worry, the government will use that money for important things like drones and studies to see if they can grow corn on the sun. Next the FBI. Unless you're mobbed up, you're probably not gonna
hear much from these guys. They're busy working on a backlog of cases from people who copy the VHS tape in nine seven. Because if there's one thing the FEDS hate more than al Kata, it's bootlegs of dirty dancing. There's also the c i A. They're the ones selling drugs in your community. Let's move on to the judiciary, or as I call it, courtship. No matter who you are, you're gonna be in long battle against the justice system. For some of you would be avoiding jail, but for
most of you it will be avoiding jury duty. Court is also where you go to get married and where you go back to to get divorced and redefend yourself against grant them auto charges because he said the Fort Explore was his, but you would have won making the payments. And speaking of cars, let's move on to the d m V. That's where you go to renew your license. You'll wait in a long ass line next to all the weirdest people who live in your county. In fact,
I'm in a d m V line right now. After this, I'm headed over to the State Department, because that's where you get your passport, the document that has the smallest first picture you've ever taken. Oh, don't worry, you only have to look at it for ten years. What else, Oh, the Department of Education. They're in charge of teaching you the basics, like where to hide during a school shooting. Other than that, they don't teach you ship, which is
why I'm here teaching you on my day off. They could have more funding, but America needs that money for the Defense Department. They're the ones out there enforcing the American Empire so you can maintain your way of life. Oh y'all didn't think I was gonna get real, did you. If you're a male over the age of eighteen, the military will make you register for the draft, but not if you're a woman. And that's fine with me. I'm the kind of feminist that wants to be a CEO,
not a gunnery sergeant. And that's basically most of government. You interact with there's other agencies. You got the e p A, FEMA, the deep state, but we'll get to them another time. Right now, I gotta go get my license. M H. What's the Daily Show? Weeknights at eleven tenth Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast