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Happy belated fourth of July everyone. I hope you had an amazing weekend, because mine.
Truly was.
I actually got asked to join Taylor Swift's squad. Yeah, she gives you the flag bikini when she sends the text.
So that was really cool.
And what a great holiday though, you know, getting the day off celebrating independence was the perfect time for America to achieve something historic, and.
Joey Jaw's Chestnut has upset Matt Stony to regain the championship title at the annual July fourth hot Dog Eating Contest at Tony Highland. Chestnut down seventy hot dogs and buns in ten minutes.
Seventy hot dog seventy Do you guys want to do? You know how many hot dogs? The winner eight in nineteen eighty Do you know me?
Nine?
Nine nine was enough to win you the title today? That's the average customer order, my friends. And what has changed not the human body, but man's will and determination. That's what makes America so great. An appetite for innovation in every realm. I mean, I'm jealous. We don't have eating contests in Africa. We don't like if you have food, you've already won.
It's as simple as that.
It's just that it's like, hey, you do you have hot dogs? Then you are there.
We now.
Let's check it on the traffic without very own where would junior?
Everybody?
Oh, it's not what's going on?
It's up ah man, good to see him, see you?
So what's that?
What's happening with the traffic?
Roy?
I don't even think we need to talk about today. You never want to talk about the traffic, Roy, No, I do. I do want to talk about trave I want to talk about the weekend traffic, that holiday traffic that's gonna be wild. Okay, we don't need to talk about this. We need to talk about this weekend. It's gonna be a huge traffic. It is, it is, It's gonna be a lot of You just need to be wherever the traffic ain't. That's where you need to be. I'm sorry, what yeah, Look, look, I just want to
give people a couple of tips. I just want to give people a few tips on how to deal with the holiday traffic and the.
Way which roads to go on and like that.
We already know the basics, right, we already know. If you stuck on the freeway, you just take the shoulder and you drive on the shoulder. If if you're in a carpool lane, you just get you blow up the sex dolls and you put the sex dolls which in the carpool lane. If you got a rental car, you get the coverage. You bull those people out the way. Those are those are the bread and butter. But this traffic, Fourth of July traffic gonna be crazy. We gotta level up.
You're stuck in traffic right now. Whatever street you on, call in like a fire or a heart attack or an emergency up the street where you're trying to go, and then follow the ambulance to wherever you need to go. You just follow the ambulance.
That sounds crazy to me.
That's I got that from Diehard three. It's a great movie. A lot of good traffic tips in that movie, like would you do that? That only works for a couple of miles. Yeah, that only works for a couple of miles. You know, if you're trying to go somewhere far, you have to call in eight nine tragedies to get to where you're going. So if you're trying to get far. It's got to be bigger than dealing with traffic. You got to avoid traffic altogether. Traffic, you gotta you gotta
avoid traffic all together. Everybody talks about you know, the best way to avoid traffic is to leave early. Leave late.
Oh you mean like like like eight pm, nine pm.
I'm talking about for July fourth. Travel You should leave July tenth.
Leave late, roy leave late, yeah, okay late late.
Yeah, But then you miss the traffic. But you also missed July fourth, like the hot dogs, the fireworks. You miss it all.
Yeah, you miss all of that, but you also miss sitting on your ass and a car for three and a half hours. You missed the traffic too. Re'st of beauty of your laugh off? What are you missing? What July fourth? What you missing?
What?
What?
What?
What? What? You miss?
Dog?
What?
The hot dog?
This is America. Every day we eat a hot dog and try to blow up some shit. This is July for if it's just a reason to do what we was already doing. People was popping fireworks in the hood where I grew up all the time. Fireworks and barbecue is a regular occurl. Sorry, no, it's not something new Man.
Okay, missed your life. Fourth, try escape your life. Fourth traffic. All right, that's that's a tip.
So damn good tip. I don't like the judgement if your face right now.
I'm not judging you. I just think it's weird, all.
Right, I'm just but I'm look. It's just important over the holiday weekend that you stay safe. You know what I'm saying. Stay safe. You do your best to obey the speed limit. If you feel yourself drowsy, pull over, not drive drowsy, especially if you got kids in the car. If you got kids in the car and you're feeling drowsy, you pull over. Let them kids drive. Kids got to kick in and they got to pull. They weight, so you let them kids drive. If you just get in
the back seat, get you some sleep. You got them sex dolls back there. Anyway, you to cuddle.
Up Roy, that's illegal. That's a crime that comes if they record when they're eighteen. There ain't nobody tripping on, no kid hitting a couple so much. And six year old side swiped a couple of cars. No, nobody can't even getated to sealed the records. I'll teach you about that later.
Oh, These are some fantastic tips. Where any anything else?
You know what, man, I got a bounce. Man, I'm hitting down to Alabama for Fourth of July, and I think my son just pulled up. I got a it my son driving me?
How old is your son?
Ray eight?
You know what?
Right would Junior even reach the pedals? Though? You can reach the pedals though.
No news show would be complete without a commentator who provides gentle insight into the heart of the American experience. That's why we have the Obie Award winning David Tel.
Thanks John Well. This week marks the birth of a very special lady. She's over two hundred years old, a little dirty, rarely speaks English, but is no strangers to violence. No, I'm not talking about Fara Faucet. I'm talking about America, the fourth of July, the birth of our great nation. Now, for some people, Independence Day is nothing more than a movie where Will Smith saves the world by not singing. Well to me, it's about fireworks. But the FEDS they're
trying to restrict the firework displays. And I say that's wrong.
David, I'm in her up. After a series of accidents, authorities are just trying to create some safety measures.
Oh really, well, yank my doodle. It's a dandy who never had a good time with a firework. Come on, raise your hook hand up in the air. Fireworks are great, especially for the kids. They get training for sounds and colors, they were later experienced during drug experiences, and they keep the fraud population and checked. The list goes on and on, John.
That's very Dave, now very experienced. Off you, Dave. Aren't there safe for fireworks available? I mean, sparklers, for instance, are both safe and enjoyable if you will.
Now you got it? Okay, good point, lady, Liberty. Sparklers are the gay cousin of the firework family. Come on, we're celebrating the country's independence, not your office Thames Birthday party at a TGI Fridays, Thanks Stewart.
Okay, Regis, are you telling me that the best part of Fourth of July are explosive fireworks?
Nobody likes to suck up? But I think you got it, Yes, fireworks. I think other lame holidays should have them too, like Groundhog Day. Throw a couple of M eight's in there, right That little buggle be coming out early Spring or Thanksgiving? Come on, Grandma will get to the point a little quicker,
staring down the business end of a Roman candle. Fourth of July without fireworks is like Christmas without a tree, or the Puerto Rican Day parade without a video camera, or Valentine's Day without a hooker.
That's right.
Happy Birthday, America. I'll be in the van. Happy birthday to you, Dave.
We'll be right back after that.
July fourth. It's that glorious day when we celebrate America's independence from Great Britain. And it's also my birthday. I said, it's my birthday, and if y'all get me donuts again, I'm gonna hurt somebody. But despite that, there are black folks out there who have a complicated relationship with the fourth of July, you know, because of all the slavery and segregation and redlining and police brutality and Megan the
Stallion not getting their respect she deserves. And I get that, But did you know that there was a time when July fourth was a very black holiday. In fact, there was a time when America thought black people celebrated July fourth a little too much. Here's the story. Before the Civil War, Independence day was a day for white people to celebrate by parading around town and getting wasted on
cheap foods. It was basically a Patriots game for the original Patriots, but for the growing anti slavery movement, July fourth was a shameful day that represented America's hypocrisy, because how are you gonna celebrate freedom when you're chaining up millions of people. That's like Britney Spears, Dad's throwing a
party because he can write his own checks. And no one expressed this anger better than Frederick Douglas in a speech he gave on July fourth, eighteen fifty two, where he told white Americans that the existence of slavery in this country brands your Republicanism as a sham, your humanity as a base pretense, and your Christianity as a lie.
Dang.
That was a read straight from the Library of Congress. Would have been like, yeah, and your wigs look gooovious, your petticoats smell like horseballs, and your wood teeth got termites with your all dying of consumption. Ass I know
gout when I see it. But then the Civil War happened, and it completely flipped the script on July fourth, especially in the South, because now black people can actually celebrate freedom, and white Southerners were in no mood to celebrate the independence day of a country that had just whooked their asses. So suddenly Independence Day became an almost exclusively black holiday. In the former Confederacy. Black people had picnics, they watched fireworks.
They recited the Emancipation Proclamation in the thirteenth Amendment, which sounds like fun except for reading all those documents. I don't know, maybe if they put like a beat to it or something.
Neat the slavery No involunteer reserve touth except as punishment for crimes of the party shell exist within the United States.
Now, it's no surprise that racist whites didn't like Black people celebrating their freedom from racist whites saw they decided to party at the stop. Starting in the eighteen seventies, white mobs began attacking black gatherings of July fourth, and soon state legislatures pass laws banning celebrations near black neighborhoods, pushing parades out of city limits, and even forbidding street fenders from setting up food saws and black areas. Do you know how racist you have to be to want
less fun o cake. Basically, these racist warmakers were the original barbecue beaci and stopping Black celebrations with just one part of their century long struggle against black freedom and racial justice. So I don't know about you, but this July fourth, I'll be celebrating Independence Day as hard as I celebrate Juneteenth as a day of freedom for all Americans. Not just because it's fun, but also it's because I get to piss off all those dead racists watching from
hell ay, and also because it's my birthday. Now give me all that funnel cake. Happy Independulta to everybody.
It's the fourth of July, that time of year when Americans who don't watch MSNBC celebrate the nation's birthday. But no matter who you are, every American loves to celebrate in the stupidest way possible by blowing shit up. Yeah, I'm talking about fireworks. It's a tradition that goes back to when the Founding Fathers filled the Liberty Bell with
m eighties, which is how it got that crack. Look it up, but believe it or not, setting off bombs for fun can also be dangerous, and most people are too stupid to realize it.
According to the CPSC, in twenty eighteen, more than nine thousand were injured and fireworks related incidents, the majority in a thirty day period around July.
Think the upmc mercy Burn Center, the Burn Prevention Network, and the City of Pittsburgh partnered up to show just how dangerous fireworks can really be.
Right, Watch what happens to this child mannequin who's holding mortar rounds, the kind of mortar rounds you can buy a fireworks stand in many states. Watch what happens when we like the fuse. It takes about six seconds for him to get out of the way, and the blasts can be significant.
Okay, look, if little Timmy over here is dumb enough to take fireworks to his hands, then he probably wasn't going to survive that long anyway. But he's not alone. Fireworks are basically a trap that humans fall for every year. It seems like a great idea. Oh wow, colors in the sky. The next thing you know, you're learning how to brush your teeth with your feet. By the way, can we leave watermelons out of this? I feel like half the global crop gets wasted on these stupid safety videos.
I mean, if you're gonna blow up a fruit. At least do the wall of favor and go for a honeydew. That shit's disgusting.
Now.
It would be bad enough if people were just burning themselves with fireworks, but pat this tradition is burning everything else too.
Fireworks season is the most stressful for firefighters. According to the most recent data from the National Fire Protection Association, fireworks were to blame for an estimated nineteen thousand, five hundred fires reported to local fire departments nationwide in twenty eighteen.
The National Safety Council says fireworks sort of blame forget this, more than eighteen thousand acres worth of wildfires each year, including thirteen hundred structure fires, three hundred vehicle fires, and nearly seventeen thousand other fires, and the Department of Forestry and Fire Management goes so far to say fireworks should never be used regardless of the time of year.
Okay, you know your celebration of America is stupid when it looks exactly like a terrorist attack on America. There shouldn't be this much overlap between ISIS operation and your family barbecue. Fireworks are causing eighteen thousand acres of wildfires every year. That's messed up for the environment. And it's also not fair. Okay, no way, I'm gonna keep drinking through a paper straw while some guy's Roman candle is
burning down the last redwood tree. And the thing about fireworks is that even when they work like they're supposed to, they're basically tortured devices for the only thing stupider than humans dogs.
This Fourth of July holiday, roughly one pound of fireworks will be set off for every man, woman, and child in America and around the country. There will be thousands of dogs freaking out about it. The sounds of the explosions and the vibrations can really spook your pooch.
We found videos all over social media of dogs freaking out.
This giant pooch is terrified by loud fireworks and needs to be cuddled to calm down.
This poor little guy found a strange place.
To hide, climbing into the fridge.
Are you afraid of the fireworks?
A similar scene at this households as a dog finds sanctuary in the dryer.
Good luck in their fire though. If you think fireworks are scary, way until someone bumps into the permanent press button. But look at what fireworks have done to our dogs. These things used to be wolves and now they're in therapy. And if you think I'm exaggerating, look at this.
Todd hates fireworks almost as much as Max hates fireworks.
Adaptive is clinically proven to help dogs cope around fireworks time.
Find out more at adaptile dot com.
Yeah, they had to put actual pharmaceutical research into solving canine firework anxiety. We could have had a cure for cancer by now if you weren't launching service to air missiles in your backyard. And as much as this is messing with dogs, who I really feel bad for is birds. Dogs are getting designer drugs that held them relax. Meanwhile, birds are up in the sky dodging rainbow balls of fire and nobody gives us shit because they can't play fetch.
So fireworks are dangerous, they're destructive, and they're ruining our dogs. But luckily there's one piece of good news. This fourth of.
July, America's facing get another shortage. This one might effect your Fourth of July. The fireworks industry is warning the supply ahead of Independence Day will be down about thirty percent because of supply chain issues, shoppers can expect the more limited selection, higher prices, or empty shelves.
Thank you, broken supply chain, I know you finally pay off one day. All those months of wiping my ass with printed paper were worth it. So yeah, a few more ons than usual will be able to buy fireworks this year, and the ones that do will be paying extra for the opportunity to blow their fingers off. And if you ask me, that's something worth celebrating. Shut the fuck up.
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