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From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central's America's only source for news. This is the Daily Joke with your host Jazzy Lion.
I'm eli, We've got so much to talk about tonight. Trump's plan for Gaza is still under construction. An old man gets into gardening, and Charlemagne the God kindly requests that Republicans stopping little bitches. Let's get into it with another installment of the Second Coming of Donald J.
Trump, I'm gonna go.
Yesterday, Donald Trump unveiled his big plan to relocate Gozins and turn their homeland into the world's holiest hard rock hotel and casino. And today the reviews are in. The Arab world hates it, Democrats condemn it, Republicans have problems with it, and the Palestinians won't abide by it.
Or as Trump says, we.
Asked for a lot of people are talking about everybody loves it.
I stand corrected. I guess everybody loves it. And even though the plan was totally perfect in every way, his staff spent the entire next day walking back every single part of it.
The President said his intention was to remove Palestinians from Gaza permanently, if we can.
Get a beautiful area to resettle people permanently.
But today the press secretary said it would be temporary.
But the President has.
Made it far that they need to be temporarily relocated out of Gaza for the rebuilding of this effort. All Trump's press secretary just had her first walk back. This is an important rite of passage for Trump's spokespeople.
They're bull mitzvah if you will.
She was spending so much time walking back the plan that at one point she ran out of English words. This is an unhabitable place for human beings.
Yeah, so true.
Remind me how it got unhabilibitable again, even worse for Caroline. While she was scrambling to salvage Trump's plan, Trump was on truth social readjusting it on the fly, which left everybody even more confused.
Breaking Just a short time ago, President Trump seemed to backtrack, but also to double down on his plan to take over Gaza.
A backtrack and a double down. And now on the uneven bars, will Trump will attempt the rare combination backtrack, double down and let's see if he breaks every bone in his body. But while his team tries to fix his Gaza plan, Donald Trump has already moved on because he's basically the neurovirus.
Every day he.
Spews executive orders all over the place, and while we struggle to clean up all the puke, he comes out the other end with something even worse.
He tried to.
Buy out the entire workforce of the CIA. His DOJ is going after anyone who's investigated him, and now he has defeated America's biggest threat.
At the White House today, President Trump signing an executive order banning transgender women and girls from competing in women's sports.
With this executive order, the war on women's sports is over. Who We are putting every school receiving taxpayer dollars on notice that if you let men take over women's sports teams or invade your locker rooms, you will be investigated for violation of Title nine and risk your federal funding.
You don'tice how.
He paused right before invade your locker rooms, like, maybe we won't make that illegal.
Should have proof read this.
It's bad enough that he's banned trans women from sports, but spare us the performance of pretending that this is a top issue for women in this country. Maybe start with I don't know reproductive rights or pay inequality, or why it's twenty twenty five and still none of my clothes have pockets. Now you might be wondering, is this really going to be the entire Trump presidency? Just divisive
executive orders every day for the next four years. Probably, But on the bright side, he did have one executive order today that felt relatively harmless.
I have signed an executive order to resume the process of creating a new national park full of statues of the greatest Americans who ever lived. It would be called the National Garden of American Heroes. And I hope that Congress will fully fund this wonderfully unifying project at the first possible opportunity.
Excuse me, sir, Americans already have a national Garden and it sells unlimited breadsticks. I never thought i'd say this, but Elon, I got some government waste for you right here. Does anyone have the phone number of the Department of Government Efficiency?
Actually they're all twelve year olds.
Does anyone have the roadblocks user names of the Department of Government Efficiency? But the question is, in these divided times, will Trump's garden of heroes help to unify Americans to debate this issue, Let's go live to Ronnie Chang and Josh Johnson. Ronnie, Ronnie, let's start with you. Do you see this garden as something that could actually raise moral around the country?
Uh?
No, this country is pretty fud.
That being said, this is actually a good idea.
I do like a garden of heroes.
I mean, America is so divided, but if we can walk in a garden with statues of George Washington and Neil Armstrong and Paul Giomati, maybe it'll bring us together.
Okay, and Josh, what's your take?
Yeah, yeah, it's great.
Did you say Paul Giamatti, the ball guy from Billions is in your top three?
He's also the ball guy in Sideways and Big Mama's also I saw I need a hot dog in Union Square, although that might have just been another bad guy.
But either way, American hero.
Giamatti's not statue status at best. He can be a plaque or a name on a bench.
A bench the thing people fought and smoke crack on.
I don't think so.
Okay, Paul Giamatti gets a statue maybe two.
We're not putting Paul gami next to Abraham Lincoln and John Adams.
Paul Giamatdy won an Emmy playing John Adams. Okay, how many Emmys did John Adams wooing for being John Adams?
Ronnie, what the fuck are you talking about?
John Adams was a second president and he didn't have slaves early America.
No slaves, second president? Pretty cool?
Yeah, you know who else didn't have slaves? Paul the hardy with the body Jiamatty.
I'm like, I'm really trying to be unified right now, but Ryan, I'm truly gonna kill you.
Okay, Well, why don't you come over here unify my fish with your face?
Okay, guys, guys, guys, guys. Fist fighting over Paul Giamati is not what the Garden of Heroes is all about.
Oh, I'm sorry that I don't want to walk through a garden staring at Lincoln's penis.
Ronnie, what Why would this penis be out?
Because obviously the statues will be naked.
Like they are in Europe. They all got little baby care of digs.
Okay, it's called culture, bro, This is America, all right.
Our statues have clothes wear funny ass hats and ride horses.
Okay, I'll give you the hats and horses, but they're new do I walk.
Excuse me, guys, Before we get into their outfits, I just want to point out that neither of you have mentioned any women heroes.
Oh can we please not DEI the fucking garden.
Imagine walking through the park and seeing.
Eleanor Roosevelt Rosa Park, Susan b Anthony and other inspiring women who would look great as gnomes nomes. Well, it's a garden, obviously, all the heroes will be nomes. You'll be walking around and be.
Like, oh, look it's Ruth Bader gins gnome.
Okay, we are not making the statues into gnomes, and if we did, wouldn't it be Ruth Bader Nolmesburg.
I hate you and I hate your half of the country.
Guys, guys, this garden is tearing us apart. Please let's let's compromise. Okay, for the sake of all unity and all things dignified, we will get Ronnie a Paul Giamatti statue, thank you, and to please, Josh Giamatti will be wearing a John Adams hat. Thank you, Desi and he'll be naked on a horse next to a proud nomes Bader Ginsburg.
Fine, fine, but she's nude and her boos have to look like Paul Giomotti.
Yeah, I'm fine with.
That, as long as she's surrounded by like a lovely little field of begonias.
Begonias, your stupid burned this got into the ground.
Okay, you know what, forget it, Forget the garden unification canceled. Ronnie Chang and Josh Johnson every year.
May come back, Sarta Maine. We'll get us your opinion.
Well, we all know.
I've got great opinions, but I'm not the only ones. Studies show that other people also have opinions. So here with another installment of in my opinion, is our good friend Charlemagne the God.
All right, all right, all right.
For the last year, so people like me have been running around tearing our hair out, saying Donald Trump is going to destroy democracy.
Yeah, I told my hair out. What did you think happened to it?
But three weeks in the Trump Part two, I don't think he's going to destroy democracy anymore. I think he's already done it. The oligarchy is already here. I haven't seen CEOs this happy since they called Luigi at that McDonald's. Yeah, and now Trump is handed over the keys to the whole government.
The Elon Musk. Yeah, that's right, Elon Musk, world's.
Richest manchild, the guy who innovated rockets and really innovated handwaving. Yea, and Musk is already doing so much to damage America that isis is getting fomo.
Elon Musk has essentially been a bull in the government's china shop, closing programs, locking out employees from their offices, shutting down websites, locking up email accounts.
Those has its pause in Usaid, the Treasury Department, NOAA, the centers for Medicare and Medicaid services, the Labor Department, even the Transportation Department.
Yeah yeah, Elon is scripting the federal government like as Kanye's wife at the Grammys. If you think about it, Elon is the Kanye of the government.
An ego maniac.
Well, he's an egomaniac coasting off early success who is.
Way more in the hilly than you would have thought.
Okay, yeah, somehow Trump demanded we get rid of DEI, then gave the job of co President to an unqualified, unelected African immigrant. This country is a supposed to be run by incompetent foreigners. It's supposed to be run by incompetent Americans. I can't believe I'm saying this during Black History Month with Elon go back to Africa, yes, and take your little minions too.
Longtime government employees this week were shocked to find that their new supervisors from Elon Musk's Doge department include recent college and high school graduates between nineteen and twenty four years old. One of the young men is apparently a former Internet Musk's neuralink company who goes by the online handle big Balls.
Big Bass. This is how I know Elon is running with a crew of virgins. I never met anyone who's really in the balls. Okay, no one's like, send me a Stroede pick and get that dick out of the way, all right.
I want to see what those balls do. I need a man hung like a beanbag chair.
PAULS, How are you gonna put nineteen to twenty four year olds in the driver seat?
All right? They're not even old enough to rent a car.
Maybe it's just me, but I don't want the people destroying the government to only know Andre three is the flute guy. Yeah, so we are some dark times people. I just hope the Democrats are organizing an effective opposition to all this.
Show them what you're made of, Dems. Hey there, Chris Murphy.
It's been a very long, long day today, full of a lot of bullshit.
So I poured myself drake it is.
It's pink.
It's pink stocking grape fruit juice.
Yeah, you're you're You're unwinding with a pink drink in the middle of the game. Mother, Get some man fetamines and get back on the field. Okay, you got Come on, man, you got you got elon out here pumped up on Mars juice and ketamine and you're out here having.
A sea breeze getting this fight. Dems. Your mascot is a donkey.
Donkey punched these mothers gohol the rally or something.
I am gonna stand with you in this fight, and.
We will win.
We will win.
We will win. We will win.
We will win.
We we won't rest, we won't rest.
Okay, see see now I need a pick drink, I need I need something to civil lord.
I'm mercy.
Yeah, this entire generation of them. Leadership has got to go. Man, all right, one of those guys had a pimp cane and he still didn't seem tough.
You know how hard that is. He'd be the first pimp with his hole.
Slap him all right, kick him out, vote him out, hide their life.
Alert, make him walk down.
Whatever stands, Mitch McConnell uses, I don't care. It just needs to change, all right. Please tell me there are some young Democrats who can speak clearly on this.
What do we need? What do we need?
Some subtitles for starters? All right?
Did Joe Biden sneeze and give all of you dementia?
You know what?
Forget the Democrats and let me talk to Republican politicians for a second. I get you want to cut government spending down to the bone, but remember, Musk isn't just coming for poor kids that you don't care about.
He's coming for your red states.
He's coming from Medicare, Medicaid farm subsidies. There is no community in America.
There's one impact.
It's not a black thing, a white thing, a gay thing, a great thing, a spin on that thing thing. White conservatives, I expect more from you Okay, you're just going to roll over and let an African colonize you.
Apparently they are on Capitol Hill. Republicans are planting Mussu's goals. Elon Musk is a genius.
Elon Musk, he can do whatever he wants to go look at all of this stuff.
Stop handwringing about what's going on.
The Democrats need to get used to this, So get ready for disruption.
Get used to disruption.
To my friends who are upset, I would say, with respect, you know, call somebody who cares.
You're supposed to care. Okay, even if you don't care, that's right.
Even if you don't care about weed of people, don't you care about your own power? Congress is supposed to control spending, and Trump is letting us do it while you watch.
Elon is constitutionally cucking you. All right. I need you to give much the same energy you give George Soros.
You've been talking all that nonsense about evil billionaires with Jewish space lasers.
Elon's got real space lazers. Okay. And Elon's poll numbers when Republicans are already.
Crashing, but don't forget, they can't vote him out of office.
But they can vote you out of office. Yeah that's right.
You think Elon cares about blowing up your political future. This man blows up his own rockets for fun. So, Republicans, I know it's tough to stand up to Trump and Musk right now, but our democracy and your jobs depend on it. So if you don't want the mob turning on you, you need to act like a nineteen year old tech bro and grow some big balls.
But doctor's my opinion.
Weeknight, we'll be turning on the.
Day I got Tonight is an Academy Award winning actor who stars in the new film Love Hurts.
Please welcome Key week, What.
Don't care?
Wow?
Wow, thank you. Before we start, I want to say, uh, I know Ronnie Chantey is in the building.
Uh.
I've been looking for him everywhere and I can't find him. So can you please do my favor. When you see him, remind him that he promised to buy out all the tickets in New York for my movie this weekend. Oh yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no, I'm just yoking.
Because it's very generous that way.
I think what happened is he bolted when he found out that you were coming here because he doesn't like being uh, he doesn't appreciate him not being the most handsome Asian man in the room.
So he's got a little bit he got Brentons.
Yeah, no, I know he's mad at me because we made a movie with Asians and he's not in it.
Can you believe it? I can't even believe it.
You do not follow me. Do not follow me.
I have to tell you, my favorite thing about your movie is that Ronnie's not in it. It is no, this is such a fun movie.
It is.
It's a Valentine's Day action film.
So would you describe it as like die Hard for hopeless romantics?
Yeah, I mean it's you know, I always wanted my own, uh action movie, and over the years, you know, Valentine's Day is a very special day out of the year because I get to show my wife how much I love her and uh and it's always, you know, you always romantic comedies out there, So it's kind of cool that we get to have an.
Action movie on Valentine's Day.
It's so good, You're excellent in it, and it's so much fun. One thing that I love about you is that you just have the most joyful, positive and sectious energy. And one thing that I noticed was your character in the opening of this film is this happy guy and he's grateful for his life, and he keeps saying, I love this life. And then, as it turns out, he's secretly an assassin. So I'm wondering, are you secretly an assassin?
Yes, yes, Guessie, I knew it. Be careful what you say here, No, no, no, no. I mean that's what I love.
About about him is that you know that element of surprise over the years. You know, action heroes look a certain way, act a certain way. And that's why when I read the script Love Hurts. I initially turned it down because I just couldn't see myself in it. But once when I found out that, you know, they were trying to create a new kind of action hero, someone who doesn't look lethough until he's pushed to the limits, and then you realize, Wow, he is freaking badass.
And I really love that.
Yeah, it's very true you You are lethal in some of these action sequences, and you actually have a black belt in taekwondo.
Is that true?
Yeah? Yeah, I love yeah, thank you.
Yeah.
I stud h martial arts for a long time and got a black belt, and and that's why when we you know, when we were doing this movie, I one thing that I know for sure was I wanted to do all the fights myself. I wasn't gonna let my stunt double have all the fun. But it was so hard and so challenging. I got so many bruises, aches and pains. I feel like, you know, every night I would go soak myself, soak my body, uh in salt bath. I feel like I should get an endorsement from epsin salt.
Do you hear that epsin?
I used so many bags during during during the shooting of this movie, I.
Can't even imagine. I mean, there was so much. Those scenes are so pressive. And you're in the movie with Ariana Debos, Ariana DeVos, Sean.
Lynch, Daniel Will. We have an incredible cast.
Now.
Did you tell him to go full beast mode or did you say, please don't go full beast mode on me, go maybe calm mode?
Or actually it was quite the opposite.
You know, I didn't know how fast he was until there was one shot where the camera is about.
Twenty feet away. I get a headstart.
I supposed to run towards camera and he catches up to me and puts his arm on my shoulder and pulls me back and I said, guys, you know he's not going to catch up to me.
I'm going to get to the camera way before he does. And he was off to the side and he's just like, key, you just run for your life.
And I'll.
And sure enough, I mean, he's Peaks mode.
And you know at the at the premiere after party, my my family, you know, got to hang out with him, the big fans. I don't know whether he knows it or not, but he has this like incredible ability, uh to get everybody. They say, yes, he was doing shots with them and got them all drunk.
Their entire family got to go, oh my gosh, that was cool.
That's a good Hollywood night. That's a very good no.
I mean, anytime you get to hang out with Mahean Lynch, that's a good night.
And I love him so much and he's so good in this movie. Was Arianna Daniel tyre cast. We had so much fun making.
This and also Sean Aston your Goonies, my gooney brother brother had a great cameo in it. Yeah, very very cool cameo. I'm curious was it. What was it like to get to work with him again? And when the director yelled cut, did you say, no, this is our time, our time down here? That's great that in I'm sorry I had to get one.
Yeah.
No.
When we were shooting that scene, another Gooney came to visit Jeff Cohen, my attorney, akh and.
And you know, and the crew was like freaking out.
You know.
There was like, you know, three unis and we went a good time. And also to be able to share the screen with Sean again after so many years, Uh, it met so much to me.
It's really special.
And those two is that you see in the movie, they're real because all of a sudden I was a kid again. It you know, made me go back to to that incredible adventure that we all had.
Oh you do that for the audience too.
I heard that your next dream project would be to play an evil villain.
Is this true?
Yeah?
I always want to play villain. I think it's so fun. I think it's so fun.
Well, I think you'd make a great evil villain.
I think so too.
Yea.
And in order to make that happen, we at the Daily Show wanted to be part of this. So I was wondering if you would consider reading a few villain lines into camera. We want to help you get this next tea.
Yeah, okay, all the filmmakers out there tomorrow. This Actually I'm also I'm gonna do a a horror movie next but uh but this will give me a nice practice.
Just a little practice, just for a rehearsal. If we could, could we get some villain lights.
Oh, this is gonna I'm gonna take all my glasses. Here's this look makes me look affable, So let's sake.
Here do you need? Do you need a villain?
Yeah?
Oh elitt okay, and right into the camera.
We prepared these for you.
Prepare to die, mister being. Okay, this one, this one, I oh, this one, I like a mission. If you ever want to see your family again, you'll hand me that artifact.
Are we Oki Doki? Doctor Jones?
Spooky?
Oh? This is great?
Okay, this one. Let me see, let me see how should I do this?
Ah?
All right, okay, turn to camera.
Okay, it's a very very dead cat. You got, sorry about that.
You you go to.
Your closet and you select that lumpy blue sweater, for instance, because you're trying to tell the world how you take yourself too seriously to care to care about what you put.
On your back.
For what you don't know is that that sweater it's not blue, it's not turquoise, it's not lappings, it's actually.
Ulian.
That one you have the job the job that lack one was from Doubleware's Prada. Well, I cannot wait to see you play a villain. I also love seeing you and literally everything you do. So congratulations on everything.
Thank you.
So February on right now here, it is your moment and been.
Some animals are making predictions, as they often do. For the Super Bowl.
Willie at the Montana Zoo picked the Eagles to win.
And now Strawberry the camel also picked the Eagles, a black.
Vulture named Muerto and Vasa the parrot. Felma didn't floundered, picking Kansas City as a winner, and I predict that Kansas City paid her off.
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