Cruz Control: The Ted Cruz Files

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March fourth, twenty sixteen.

Let's cut waste, fraud, and abuse. It's easy to say it.

Establishment Republican candidates were making their last stand against Donald Trump, and Senator Ted Cruz of Texas had a gross booger hanging on his lip and then he ate it as if none of us could see. This is Ted Cruz, the booger on the lip of democracy. Raphael Edward Cruz was born in Canada to an American woman and a former Cuban revolutionary. When Ted was four, the Cruises relocated to Texas Houston.

We'd have a problem where his.

Youthful ambition was the same as any higher order lizard, sex and domination.

Well, my aspiration is too uh oh, I don't know me that me hitting.

Film like that guy play Regio.

You know even in Malma Bikhini beat job.

Well, other than that, thank over the world, world dominated.

Yes, young Ted Cruz was obsessed with boobs and power, two things he would struggle to get his hands on for the rest of his life. From there, it was on to Princeton University, where he befriended Craig Mason, who, as the creator of the HBO series Chernobyl is familiar with toxic disasters.

Ted Cruz was my roommate. I did not like him at all in college. I want to be clear, because you know, Ted Cruz is a nightmare of a human being. I have plenty of problems with his politics, but truthfully, his personality is so awful that ninety nine percent of light it was just his personality. Awful, awful, awful person Yeah, he's awful.

Ted Cruz was so awful this professional screenwriter could think of no other word to describe him. That's impressive. After graduating from Harvard Law School, Ted finally found someone who didn't hate him, which left him no choice but to marry her.

We got back from our honeymoon and he went off to the store and came home by himself. And he arrived back at our apartment with literally one hundred cans of Campbell's Chunky soup. And I said, you don't buy a hundred of anything, much less ken soup. Well, you know we can't do this. I'll be making things. And he said, no, I know you. You won't be making things.

And then, because there was no room for both soup and a wife, Ted and Heidi lived apart for seven years. Cruz used that time to rise through the legal ranks, arguing eight cases before the Supreme Court, where he championed the rights of mentally ill prisoners to be executed by the state. But his most famous case was a passionate defense of one unusual Texas law.

Cruz is Texas Solicitor General, once defended a ban on the sale of sex toys.

That's right. In a show of selfless devotion to the law, Ted Cruz defended a ban on toys even though he himself is a complete dildo. In twenty twelve, Cruz burst onto the national stage as a Senate candidate and darling at the Tea Party. Once elected, he put his mark on the Senate by filibustering Obamacare while showing off his first grade reading ability.

Do you like green eggs and ham?

I do not like them?

Sam I am?

I do not like green eggs and ham What a treat to hear Doctor Seuss read by a doctor Seus's character. To achieve his dreams of world domination, Ted knew he would need to leave an impression, and he left impressions everywhere.

Try do or do not?

The horse is strong with this one NonStop heidly ho neighbor, just a never ending parade of barely recognizable voices shut up, even though he couldn't really do any of them.

In The Immortal Birds of William Wallace.

With charisma like that, there was only one thing for Cruise to do.

I am announcing that I'm running for President of the United States.

I was hight, was life in the back back, took a mike, no brights, had to write tracks.

Soon. Ted was cruising toward victory. He had key endorsements.

I've looked through the candidates.

Ted Cruise is my man.

A supportive family.

Not a day goes by that my mom is not lifting me up in prayer.

That's true for hours ahead of time.

And fresh ideas.

Of course, in Texas, we cooked bacon a little differently than most folks.

Machine gun bacon.

Any hunter can track and shoot an animal, but it takes a true outdoorsman to use a gun on meat he already bought at the store. That's just how unlikable Ted Cruz is. He actually found a way to turn people off of bacon. But despite having the meticulous planning skills and foresight, that's just coincidentally, the hallmark of a serial killer. Ted Cruz failed to anticipate Donald Trump.

Ted Cruse's a a absolute disgusting liar.

He is like a.

Little baby, soft, weak little baby. This guy's a liar, lion, Ted Cruz lion.

Ted lies, Oh, he lies. Donald Trump called his.

Wife ugly instead, his father was.

Implicated in the conspiracy to kill Jerry F.

Kakes.

At first, Ted took the high road, swallowing his pride and a few boogers along the way. But finally he had had enough.

Cruse got on stage at the RNC and he did not endorse Donald Trump.

Vote your conscience, Matt pledge was not a blanket commitment that if you go and lander and attack Heidie that I'm gonna nonetheless come like a zerbile puppy dog and say thank you very much for Milian and my wife and Milan and my father.

The gauntlet had been thrown. No longer would Ted Cruz cater to Donald Trump's every whin.

He drew a.

Line in the sand and oh, hold on, I'm getting recall.

Hi, this is Ted Cruz calling. I was calling to encourage you to come out and bone on the election.

Oh Ted.

With nothing left to do, Cruise headed back to the Senate, where he reclaimed his position as the most hated guy in the office.

If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate.

And the trial was in the Senate, nobody could convict you.

I probably like Ted Cruise more than most of my colleagues like Ted Cruse. And I hate Ted Cruz. He's just a toxic co worker. He's the guy that microwaves fish.

There is nothing more dangerous than a reckless asshole who thinks he's smarter than everyone else.

Ladies and gentlemen, meete Ted Kruz.

I'm beginning to understand why Ted Cruz has been hated by everyone every place he's ever been, from kindergarten to the United States Senate.

I am not endorsing Cruise, and I think I'll take sy and I if he ever got the nomination.

God Damp. Even people who don't know if mass shootings are bad thinks Ted Cruz sucks Jason. By this reception, Ted got to work rehabilitating his image. He began doing relatable stuff like accidentally posting milk porn on the anniversary of nine to eleven and encouraging an insurrection against the government.

Look Ted Cruise is objection to the Aralone of his objection.

He was gonna sell us out all all objection to County electronot.

Oh.

No.

Ted Cruz is so hateable that for a moment even his biggest fans hated him by accident. But once the dust settled and the nagamob reluctantly decided not to murder him, Ted and his family headed back home to Texas to let things cool down in Washington. Unfortunately, things cooled down even more in Texas as Texans wait for a thaw and power to their homes.

Senator Ted Cruz is facing backlash after an alleged.

Fellow passenger tweeted out this photo appearing to show.

Cruise on a flight to can kun He first blamed the trip on his kids.

That turned out to be a lie. The twenty four hour trip to can Kuhn radically shifted America's view of Ted Cruz from the giant, unlikable asshole to Actually it didn't shift the view of him at all. But these are just small bumps on the road to his ultimate goal, world domination. To Ted Cruz, the Earth, there's a mere booger, dancing on his lips, tantalizing, mesmerizing, repulsive, waiting until the day he can swallow us whole and hope that no one saw it.

So the Republican Party's new it girl is freshman Texas Senator Ted Cruz, and those who've been following him and his story know him as the radical conservative, budget slashing, anti immigrants, climate denier who shut down the governments over Obamacare while opposing expanded background checks for guns, or, to sum it.

Up, machine gun bacon.

That bacon is definitely from a human. So for Ted Cruz to have risen so fast from freshman senator to presidential contender means that people must really love this guy. He is probably one of the most hated people in the Senate. Both Democrats and Republicans do not like this guy. He's been called a fraud and a wacko, and that's by some of his own Republican colleagues.

Establishment Republicans loathe him, and the.

Bush campaign in two thousand, he was despised by his colleagues.

They hate him as they have hated no senator before him.

What a description.

They hate him as they have hated no senator before him. That's right, they hate him. A lot of senators consider him the worst cruise, and that includes the poop cruise.

I don't get it.

Everyone who knows Ted Cruz seems to hate him, but every relief deserves a chance to turn. So speak, Ted Cruz speak.

The Obama administration will become quite literally the world's leading financier of radical Islamic terrorism. Stop that train wreck, that disaster, that nightmare that is Obamacare. Here's the simple and undeniable fact.

The overwhelming majority of violent criminals our Democrats. This guy's real.

And what he said is actually a lie. The overwhelming majority of x CON's don't register to vote.

They break in.

At night and cost their votes where no one is looking. You know what, Ted Cruz reminds me of pepe le Pew the Skunk, because even when he thinks he's being charming, he's just being even more creepy. For instance, the other day, when Cruz was asked if he believed that woman should have access to birth control, this is what he said as I.

Noted, Heidi and Hi, we have two little girls.

I'm very glad we don't have seventeen.

So now that's in your head.

Anybody who wants contraceptors can access them.

Last I checked, we don't have a rubber shortage in America.

When I was in college, we had a machine in the bathroom.

You put fifty cents in and what on. Well, it wasn't so much a machine as a hole in the wall. But you've quit your fifty cents in and then your penis and then well, the point is Princeton was crazy.

Oh and by the.

Way, I'm gonna call it bullshit that Ted Cruz says he's not anti contraception, but he did try to defund Planned Parenthood, where a lot of people not in men's bathrooms get their birth control. Plus he tried to make it harder for insurance to cover contraception, and he supports the constitutional amendment that could ban iud's and possibly the pill too. But uh, you know what, rubber is a funny word.

I'll give him that.

I'll give him that.

You know what, maybe Ted Cruz is the leader that America needs. I mean, he's the first person in recent memory who's been able to unite people of both parties in their hatred of him. And maybe, just maybe for that reason, we might all grow to love him, but probably not when the president always kicked off. Trump and Republican Senator Ted Cruz were like Amber Rose's finger in Kanye West's butthole.

Super tight.

I'm a big fan of Donald Trump's.

Ted Cruise is a friend of mine and a good guy.

I like Donald Trump.

He's bold, he's brash.

Well, that is a little bit of a romance.

I like him, he likes me.

Jeez, you too.

Get a room. Yeah, just not this room, please, any other room, any other room. The journey from BFF to front of me began for these two when Cruz started to challenge Donald Trump in the polls, and now with five days before the Iowa caucus, it's turning into an all war. Donald's is a fragile sault.

Cruz who is a nasty guy who can't get along with anybody. If you're afraid of Megan Kelly, you're gonna be afraid of Vladimir Putin. Senators don't like him, the people he works with don't like him.

WHOA, he's up.

Guys, you're both horrible.

You need to save some of that energy, save some of that energy for hating Mexicans and Muslims. Come on, you know, no, no, Usually in campaigns, the top candidates draw supporters from inside their party, you know, But this is what's happening in this campaign. It's strange because some Republicans aren't saying that they like Ted Cruz. They're just saying that they hate Donald Trump. And the other Republicans aren't saying that they like Donald Trump. They're just saying

Wall Street Journal around is scathing an internal against cris By calling him a phony.

Bob Dole called Cruz an extremist, Dan Coates and John Cornyn saying a Cruz presidency would be detrimental to the country.

And those are his friends. Everybody hates Cruse. It's so bad that when the Pope visited Congress, he was there like.

Peace be with you, Peace be with you, Oh Dad, go to healths.

Beg and peace be with you, and peace be with you.

Now.

On the other side of the coin, conservative thought leaders like Rick Perry, Glenn Beck, and the National Review, well they just hate Donald Trump.

Trump is not a committed conservative.

Donald Trump, I really truly believe is a very dangerous man.

The National Review came out against Trump, featuring twenty two conservative voices. They wrote, quote, Donald Trump is a menace to American conservatism, who would take the work of generations and trample it underfoot.

And it sound like conservatism is going to be like grapes and Donald Trump says going to be dancing on it. What's impressive is they got twenty two negative essays about Trump in one magazine. That's really good. I mean, Cosmopolitan can't even fit that many mind blowing sex moves into one magazine. Yeah, they top out at twenty one, they do, and technically two are the same thing, just different hands.

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz continue to dominate the GOP race.

Some in the Republican establishment are not happy with the two front runners.

Having to choose between being shot or being poisoned.

But the warning to Trump because they can kill Cruise, and they think, well, we'll kill Trump later.

This is almost like a political game of Mary Kill. It's just there's no marry. You just kill one and get by the other. For more, we turn to our panelists, senior political analysts, Jordan Klapper and Hassan Minaj. Everybody, gentlemen, uh, thank you so much for joining me. So the big question is who would you rob the havist president, Donald Trump or Ted Cruz.

Trump is worse.

He's a loose cannon, no idea when he'll go off or what he'll destroy.

I gotta disagree with you, Jordan, Cruz is pure evil. In his first thirty days, he would systematically destroy everything we hold dear. I say Trump is less bad.

Okay, I disagree, Hassan. I'm sure Ted Cruz will eventually destroy the country, no doubt. But for me, having Donald Trump in the White House is like living with a blood clot any moment he could break loose and kill you instantly, or.

Or a blood clot might never kill you, whereas Cruise is like bone cancer one hundred percent fatal.

Okay, Well, at least with cancer you know it's coming. I mean, that's the upside to a Cruz presidency. We'll all be able to get our affairs in order just before our inevitable deaths.

I hadn't thought of that. That's a good point, Cruise twenty sixteen.

Wow.

Okay, then, Hassan, you now agree that Trump is the worst of the two.

Oh, Jordan is right. Trump is just too unpredictable. You can't give a guy like that nuclear weapons.

Yeah, I mean, President Ted Cruz is definitely gonna nuke somebody. But at least we know it'll be another country, you know, trumpit Trump might nuke America because some guy in Idaho made fun of him in a tweet.

Well, at least Ted Cruz has some core principles.

Hassan, you say principles, although given what those principles are, I mean head trigger, government shutdowns, climate change denial. Well I'm okay.

That is a good point. Ted Cruz does represent the very worst of humanity.

He is the reason I have yet to bring a child into this world.

Yes, Ted Cruz is a political of the sectomy. So Trump twenty six to eight.

You know what, I'm actually changing my mind again because Trump is like the Joker, pure chaos. At least you know Cruse is focused and methodical.

Okay, Oh yeah, so Cruz is more like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the.

Last Yeah, oh yeah. Plus you definitely know Cruise tucks his penis between his legs afinitely, So I'm gonna change back, I say, Trump twenty sixteen.

I'm sorry, guys, you're all over the place. So, Hassan, you would put Donald J. Trump in charge of the US military.

Oh no, I wouldn't even trust Trump with sharp objects. If he ever came to my house over for steak, I would make him.

Use a spoon. Well, Hassan, that's unrealistic. He wouldn't come to your house because he hates brown people.

Trump's right, brown people make terrible steaks.

No, Jordan, that's no. Jordan's yeah, Jordan, that's not the point. That's when they have the stereotypes.

That's a stereotype, stereotype skill from some place.

That's not the point.

I need great steaks.

I make amazing.

I'm sorry, guys, we got off the pluck. Guys, please just answer the question, Cruise or Trump, which Republican candidate is marginally less awful personally.

I'm for bone cancer, so you're picking Ted Cruz. No, I want to get actual bone cancer.

He makes a great point. I hope to perish before the election as well.

I guess that makes sense.

Jordan Cleppman, Assamonaze. You know what, every day we're reminded of how terrible it would be to be ruled over by a self financed melting Jack o' lantern, and Republican leaders know this better than anyone. The only problem is that the candidate with the best chance of beating Trump is this guy. Look at Ted Cruz.

He is now fifty three percent unfavorability. That is the highest unfavorability that he has seen throughout this campaign. He is growing more unpopular by the date.

Yeah, and it's been this way his entire life. In fact, in fact, when Ted Cruz was born, he was voted the worst baby in the maternity war. There was just something insincere about the way he breastfed.

There was just like.

But the big question is why do people hate Ted Cruse so much? And the truth is there's a multitude of reasons. I mean, it could be because he paints gun control measures as a plot to steal everyone's guns while they sleep. Or maybe they hate him because he wont special patrols for Muslim neighborhoods. Or maybe it's because he supports an abortion band with no exception for rape or incest. Or maybe it's because he's the Zodiac Killer. You never know what it could be.

Now.

Ted Cruz knows.

How much people don't like him, which is why last night he decided to participate in a CNN town hall to show his personal side, and naturally, this made things worse.

The Godfather actually all three of the Godfathers.

I love those men. You like the third Godfather?

I am an odd I'd like three?

Did it in public?

Everyone else hated it.

I actually thought it was a wonderful combination.

Really, Godfather three, the movie everyone agrees is the worst Godfather. The credits from the Second Godfather are better than Godfather Three.

Saying you like.

Godfather three is like saying, you know what, my favorite part of sex is the part where you take off the condom and flush it down the toilet. Okay, so what sex is all about? But you know what, Ted Cruz, it's not only his bad taste in movies that make him unlikable. He's also a liar. In fact, he lies so much that even his eight year old daughter is sick of it. Just watching this clip how she called him out last night.

They have karaoke machines they got for Christmas.

They both have matching karaoke machines, and it is a little frightening with the two of them singing Taylor Swift together.

It is amazing.

We don't sing together, that's true. We don't sing together. Dad, Lie all you want about Mexicans, but don't drag my karaoke into this. Why why don't they get hurt to moderate the debates. No, just look how she shuts him down. He even hung it. She was just like, that is not what happened, and he went, that's true. I've never seen Ted cruise. So as Ted Cruise approaches a possible nomination, a lot of Americans are grappling daily with the idea of what it would be like to live with Ted

When I married Ted, we got back from her honeymoon, and he went off to the store and came home by himself, and I was completely shocked to see that he arrived back at our apartment with literally a hundred cans of Campbell's Chunky soup?

Who is this man? One hundred cans of soup? Ted Cruz went out to the store and bought one hundred cans of soup. Don't I don't think you understand I don't think I don't think you understand this. This is one hundred cans of soup. I can hide behind the soup.

This is This is so creepy.

Just think about this.

The first thing you do.

After your honeymoon is you buy a car load of chunky soup.

What happened on the honeymoon?

And why does anybody buy this much soup? What are you taking a bus in it? What are you doing with this much soup? How do you how do you even keep a straight face while checking out? Like you at the teckout counter? And you know what I bet? Ted Cruise is the kind of guy who would go to the ten items or less light and try and justify it.

I could see him standing.

And he's like, well, actually, now you gotta understand that this here is one soup. It's only one item, even though there are one hundred of them, it is the same soup under God's eye. I'm sorry, but buying this much soup at one time is disquantify. Anyone who thinks it is acceptable to buy this much soup at the same time cannot be President Ted Cruz. You have to choose. You can either have the nuclear codes or you can have the soup, but you definitely cannot have both. We'll

Senator Ted Cruz he is now facing a whole lot of questions after he was spotted on a plane traveling to Cancun, Mexico, in the midst of this unfolding crisis in his home state of Texas.

If you go on social media, you will see social media uses posting multiple pictures of the senator and his family in the Houston airport waiting to board their flight. Dead Cruse, No, man, you gotta be shitting me. Dude, your people are literally eating snow right now and you're jetting off to Cankoon. I'm not even mad that you were selfish. I'm mad that you were so stupid. How can you be in politics for ten years and still have no idea how bad this would make you? Look, what were you thinking.

I know my people are freezing and hungry right now, so what they need is a photo of my beach Bard because if they see me in a speedo, their eyes will burst into flames and the whole family can warm their hands over those flames. I mean, look, I get that Ted Cruise is tired. The man deserves a break off to trying so hard to overthrow the government.

But this is not the time.

Ted, When your constituents said they need clean water, they didn't mean go find a wet T shirt contest in Cancun. I mean seeing Ted Cruz skip town for the beach has been very frustrating for the people in Texas. But on the other hand, it has been really exciting for all the people in can Kuhn who got to meet him on the streets.

Wow.

Bro, I didn't know that Senor Frog was a real guy. That was awesome. And what's even worse is that when he got caught, instead of owning up to it and apologizing, he acted like a total Ted Cruise breaking.

Right now at update on the reports that Texas Senator Ted Cruise took a trip to can Kun as the state was dealing with massive power outages, something that had many of you upset online. The statement from Cruse saying, in part with school canceled for the week, our girls asked to take a trip with friends. Wanting to be a good dad, I flew down with them last night and am flying back this afternoon.

Oh I see, we all got this thing wrong. Ted Cruz wasn't going on vacation, people, he was just chaperoning his girls on the flight to Cancoon. So in some way this was like a reverse taken.

I want you to know that I'm a man with absolutely no skills whatsoever, and I'm gonna safely accompany my daughter's on this trip.

Seriously, Ted Cruz. Blaming his daughters for this is just gross. Being a good father means putting them on a bus, not throwing them under one lough. To be fair, maybe Ted Cruise just doesn't know what a good dad is. I mean his dad killed. JFK. Explore more shows from The Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcast.

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Yeah.