Correspondent Spotlight: The Best of Samantha Bee - podcast episode cover

Correspondent Spotlight: The Best of Samantha Bee

Aug 07, 202322 min
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Episode description

Former 'Daily Show' corespondent Samantha Bee tackles an array of topics from; Sarah Palin supporters to advocates of Long Island’s secession. She also sheds a light on the so-called difficulties of being a man in America, investigates the theory that women disrupt combat-zone guy-namics, and shows the correct way to use your spouse for a public apology. 

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Transcript

Speaker 1

You're listening to Comedy Central now.

Speaker 2

Despite Governor Palin's star turn last night, there are still those who would cloud Governor Palin's candidacy with irrelevant issues or Samantha Bee hit the convention floor to find out more.

Speaker 3

Last night, Sarah Palin took the stage and silenced her critics.

Speaker 4

This woman is qualified.

Speaker 3

Tell me about her qualifications.

Speaker 4

One, she's a beautiful lady.

Speaker 5

Chic, hunts and fishes and is not afraid to get her hands dirty.

Speaker 6

She's only that far from Russia from those eyes of Putin.

Speaker 7

One of the things that I really respect about Sarah Palin is that she makes Americans feel like anyone can be president.

Speaker 3

But there's one issue for which she's still being unfairly attacked.

Speaker 7

It's very unappropriate that the Democrats have seized on the issue of Bristol's pregnancy.

Speaker 8

That is a personal that is very personal, and I don't think that she should be attacked for that.

Speaker 9

I think it's a family issue.

Speaker 3

Politics should stay out of people's business.

Speaker 1

You do what's right, and you know she's going to have the baby, she's gonna get married.

Speaker 5

She said, no, it's a human being she made.

Speaker 3

I'm sorry, what is the decision, the decision. There's another word I'm looking for rhymes. I think it rhymes with voice. Every family and every woman should have the right to I'm sorry, what's the word I'm looking for? It's her family, it's her Oh god, what is the word? What is the word I'm looking for? It's like an alternative or if you have two things, you be Sarah Palin and I'll be her seventeen year old daughter Bristol.

Speaker 10

You know, you and I have always been able to openly discuss.

Speaker 3

Think what do you want to talk to me about? I'm too busier and now mom, she got out of my room. It's like when we have a lot of options and you have to select one. What's the word I'm looking for? What is the word?

Speaker 11

Adoption is one?

Speaker 3

You know, there's a specific word I'm looking for.

Speaker 9

I'm sure the family will be able to make the best decision for them.

Speaker 3

But they'll have the freedom to make that decision. Hold on a second, I'm trying to.

Speaker 4

Have a boyfriend.

Speaker 3

Can I carry you back? My mom is in my roun wants talk to me about something. Hold on, I pay back?

Speaker 9

Well, yes, but I don't think that I don't think that the decision. I think it should be not I think that the family decision would become as how yes, okay, oh.

Speaker 11

My god, I DELI ahead, you.

Speaker 3

Bothering man. It's you know, when you have like an alternative, what's the word I'm looking for? Alternative?

Speaker 4

A different choice?

Speaker 1

Choice?

Speaker 3

Yes, exactly, every family, every person should have the choice to decide what's best for them.

Speaker 10

You know, the left clamors for choice. We want to make choice, we want choice. And Sarah Palin's daughter has made a choice.

Speaker 3

Freedom of choice that's different than being pro choice. She's able to make the choice that she doesn't really want other people to have. Right. Does that make sense? These days, when you hear about secession, you think of Texas, But Texas isn't alone. Secession is the big word for lawmakers in Long Island.

Speaker 1

Should Long Island become its own state?

Speaker 3

According to Long Island legislator Edward Romaine, the time for independence is now.

Speaker 12

Yes, the fifty first state Long Island. Long Island is paying more than three billion dollars more than we're getting back in assistance from the state.

Speaker 3

Located just ten miles from Manhattan or three and a half hours by car, Long Island's three million people have never felt connected to the rest of the state.

Speaker 12

Well, we're kind of an appendage to New York. We jut out east of New York into the Atlantic Ocean.

Speaker 3

How much longer can New York State continue to jerk this appended job before it just explodes.

Speaker 11

Not much longer.

Speaker 4

We're going to succeed.

Speaker 12

If we can't, we're going to stand up and say enough is enough.

Speaker 3

Unfortunately, some people, like Long Island State Senator Carl Marcellino, insist on standing in the way of statehood.

Speaker 1

No Long Island should not seceed from the State of New York.

Speaker 3

You're a state Senator from Long Island. I mean, if this secession happens, you could be a real senator, Senator Marcellino, from the great state of Long Island.

Speaker 1

It's just not practical to do it.

Speaker 3

But can they afford not to do it?

Speaker 12

The High Texas forcing some people to vote with their feet. That is the best in the brides leaving Long Island.

Speaker 3

It's all relative though, I mean, you are talking about the best and brightest of Long Island.

Speaker 12

The most important resource that we have called our people. They're inventive, they're intelligent, yigabyte.

Speaker 3

And these intelligent and inventive people think it's time. I most definitely like sea Long Island suc seated as its own state.

Speaker 11

It's a totally different group of people. Long Island. It's a melting pot.

Speaker 7

You got all these awesome Italian guys, beautiful Italian women, nice Italian food.

Speaker 3

You're not making it seem like a melting pot unless you're talking about a melting pot filled with bubbling mere and narrow sauce. What do you have to say to New Yorkers who say, good riddance you You guys still got the village to luck with that one. Clearly, the first article of their state constitution is in place, but have they really thought things through.

Speaker 1

It's complicated. We would need through pay for the roads that are state roads.

Speaker 12

The first thing we do is pick a state capital.

Speaker 1

We would need to pay for the state parks that are state parks.

Speaker 12

Picking a state food it might be it might be the flounder.

Speaker 1

Teacher certifications would all have to be done differently.

Speaker 12

Picking a state bird it might be the sgull.

Speaker 9

The state birds should just be flipping the birds.

Speaker 3

Welcome to Long Island. Car Of course, secession could mean war and that's something no one would want to see.

Speaker 7

Deerish Gina with dangerously low enax body spray, and those suckers from NASA Pequa took go on my three weights. By the way, that picture you took of me and my rim it's sick. Give my love to your family except your sister.

Speaker 1

She's a four.

Speaker 3

On Island's packing some series of balls. Go we can get up any other state you got? What state could you beat up? And please don't say Rhode Island or Connecticut because everybody knows those states are pussy states.

Speaker 12

You name what you got, Wyoming, Iowa, What do you think?

Speaker 3

I don't think that counts. Oh States, I'm sorry, other states, other states not in Europe, other states, Canada, Canada, Okay, we have Okay, Okay, I'm sorry.

Speaker 12

Jersey.

Speaker 3

Oh yeah, New Jersey's the first to go. Isn't that like beating up your conjoined twin though you're so genetically similarmed The people of Long Island have been oppressed for too long, and after spending time in their world and learning their customs, I started to share in the revolutionary spirit.

Speaker 12

First of all, I think they should call it Strong Island if they make it its own state.

Speaker 3

I mean, look at these guys.

Speaker 1

Is the gun show?

Speaker 3

Baby, you got your tickets?

Speaker 1

Double guns?

Speaker 3

Because he feels so vulnerable.

Speaker 13

Not really sure.

Speaker 3

I'm capable of making good decisions right now. Probably all that first control I'm taking, it's making my mind. I'm couzzy. I was drawn in by their noble cause and meticulous manscaping. The second thought, you know what, No.

Speaker 14

As a country, we've made enormous strives and making sure that all Americans are treated equally under the law, but there are still groups that are suffering.

Speaker 4

Samantha Bee has.

Speaker 3

More men from time immemorial. They stood atop the world, building our civilizations, commanding our armies. They were gods walking among us, But now their time may be over. For the first time, women are expected to outnumber men in the workforce.

Speaker 7

A new study finds increasing numbers of women outpacing their husbands when it comes to income and education.

Speaker 3

And it's a crisis that troubles many. Like sociologist and author of the Myth of Male Power, doctor Warren Ferrell.

Speaker 11

It's a difficult time to be a man in America.

Speaker 3

In what sense exactly?

Speaker 15

Men today are probably where women were in the late fifties. We're about a half century behind women in terms of being understood, in terms of having options.

Speaker 3

How did this happen, babycakes?

Speaker 11

We did a great job for women. We now just need to do the same for men.

Speaker 3

He's right. Men run just four one hundred and eighty five of our fortune five hundred companies and only three branches of government, and there are more doors closing on them all the time.

Speaker 15

Almost all your pharmaceutical salespeople are young women and attractive women, because the pharmaceutical company knows that an attractive young female will be have much greater access to a medical doctor who's, on average still more likely to be a male.

Speaker 3

Oh that sucks for men, except for the male doctor who gets to earn all that money and bang that hot new sales rep.

Speaker 1

Oo guy.

Speaker 3

It doesn't stop then. Even the nightly news, long a bastion of the stately white male, is now sixty six point seven percent female, and the last male anchor is kind of a feminate. Fortunately, help is on the way thanks to male support groups like the Better Man Organization founder Wayne Levine.

Speaker 6

For us, it's about being available to each other and giving the wisdom and the guidance and the support and the ass kicking, whatever it is, we need to be the best men we can be. You know, so many of the problems that we face in our cultures because men are not getting what they need.

Speaker 3

What are men not getting well?

Speaker 6

In our culture? There's no place for men to gather. It's socially unacceptable for men to get together.

Speaker 3

Yes, it's a constant struggle to find places where men are allowed to be themselves. Having never heard of Las Vegas, these disenfranchised men seek solace in the woods, where they play games no one liked in pe class, my wife is in judge, and complain about their wives. Mostly what they do is gather in circles, the sitting circle, the cleansing circle, and of course the most important circle of all.

Speaker 6

So what we got here is a wisdom circle with just a few men, and this is where a man will bring an issue that needs to be addressed.

Speaker 3

When does everybody start master reading? They were coming here with one purpose to reclaim their manhood. Hey, our dinners right over here, what are you waiting for? Do I have to do this by myself? Sadly, the inequalities holding men back begin as early as high school.

Speaker 11

Almost every high school has a football team.

Speaker 15

Almost every football team has cheerleaders, and it's very rare that the cheerleader says something like, g you know, I noticed you lost your position on the team, so I'd like to continue cheering for you because you were very sensitive and very loving and very caring and very listening.

Speaker 11

You don't ever see that happening.

Speaker 3

So we need to give our sons permission to be puss wants.

Speaker 11

That's yes, some type of term.

Speaker 3

Like that, something puss related. And of course, the key to uplifting any oppressed group is to give them a voice.

Speaker 6

This is the time of day where we bring out the talking stick. It's a time where you can speak from the heart and listen from the heart and share whatever's on your mind.

Speaker 3

Finally, it was my opportunity to offer advice to my fallen brothers. Actually, you know, I actually brought my own.

Speaker 5

Tool.

Speaker 3

Attention, middle aged vagina man, sack the f up. Seriously, you're turning me into a lesbian. Last week, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta made military history when he lifted the ban on women serving in combat. Immediately, objections were raised.

Speaker 13

There is a difference in the physicality of women and men.

Speaker 3

It's a terrible idea.

Speaker 2

You're going to have the sex assault problems.

Speaker 4

People are going to die.

Speaker 3

Author and military expert Kingsley.

Speaker 16

Brown, women in combat positions are a threat to military cohesion. It's not clear that men can actually bond with women the way they bond with other men.

Speaker 3

So women can disrupt romance in combat.

Speaker 4

Zones almost by definition.

Speaker 3

Who are these fatigue hags jeopardizing all that military brohesion? Meet Marine Corps Captain Zoe Biddell, a plaintiff in a lawsuit to lift the ban on women in combat.

Speaker 13

I think it's about time that women are allowed to serve in all roles.

Speaker 3

Why do you want to be the one to bring up the band of brothers? Don't be the.

Speaker 13

Yoko unit confusion is based around common mission and being held to standards, and that is absolutely achievable with women in the unit.

Speaker 3

We spoke to an expert in workplace discrimination. Do you want to know what he said? Sure, pick a number four one to four two one two, okay, pick But it turns out Kingsley had a lot more to say.

Speaker 16

You have one or two women added to the group, and now everybody's buying for their attention.

Speaker 4

So women are distracting.

Speaker 3

They are distracting one if the women is not heterosexual.

Speaker 4

I don't think that it matters.

Speaker 3

They're still going to try to hit that.

Speaker 4

They're still going to try to hit that.

Speaker 3

I'd love to take out that insurgent. But check out the getaway sticks on Major turnball over here.

Speaker 16

Boy, that's really not a funny thing because sexual harassment charge is taken very seriously.

Speaker 4

It's ruins careers.

Speaker 3

Really, right, sex ju all harassment ruins men's careers. There you are at the front lines, looking so cute in you're a Camo and someone comes up and sexually assaults you. Aren't you going to feel guilty for wrecking that guy's career?

Speaker 13

Not even a little bit.

Speaker 3

Woof getting a lot of blowback here? Do you want to reschedule this interview for when you're not having your period? Sounds like Zoe just doesn't get how women screw up the dynamics of actual combat.

Speaker 13

There have been over two hundred and eighty thousand women who have already served in Iraq and Afghanistan over the last decade. Over one hundred and thirty women have already died in these wars. In modern warfare, the lines are blurred if they exist at all between what the front lines are and what is a safe zone.

Speaker 3

Do they even call it the front lines anymore?

Speaker 1

Yeah?

Speaker 4

They do not.

Speaker 3

Oh what do they call it? Afghanistan?

Speaker 13

Women are being shot at, but the military didn't allow them to serve in those positions officially, and that hurts their chances for promotion. For example, Mary jennings Hagar, as a helicopter.

Speaker 3

Pilot Zoe dished the dates on her military gal pals.

Speaker 13

Staff Sergeant Jennifer Hunt was on a convoy.

Speaker 3

Apparently there are already tons of female soldiers totally kicking ass in combat zones.

Speaker 13

Leanne Hester received a silver star for her actions under fire.

Speaker 3

Go girl, go girl, I don't even have girl talk in Afghanistan. Your ice river of melt. Let's do a little role player. I'll be a woman who served her country briefly and Ubu. My name is Major Mary jennings Hagar makes changed ground fire after my helic coupter would shut down.

Speaker 16

You weren't in the infantry. You weren't taking the fight with one hundred pound pack.

Speaker 3

I got a purple Huart might sincerely.

Speaker 16

Say thank you for your service, but that doesn't mean that you should serve in combat.

Speaker 3

That's a great point, except that women are already their mother See. In my world, women have already been serving in combat for two wars. But Kingsley is living in a simpler time.

Speaker 4

Men join the infantry because they want to fight.

Speaker 3

Sorry, excuse me for one second. Okay, Okay, that's us.

Speaker 4

Sorry.

Speaker 16

Girls become women by getting older. Boys become men by accomplishing something, by proving something.

Speaker 3

Okay, have you ever actually met a woman before, a woman who did not want to strangle you? I would like to say to all the people out there who really are stuck in another era and really just think that women don't belong in combat zones at all.

Speaker 13

Well, the good news is I don't actually have to say anything, because the evidence is on my side. Women have been doing this for ten years, and eventually those guys are going to die off, and we'll just keep doing our thing.

Speaker 3

Well said, I guess there's only one thing left to do.

Speaker 14

For more on how solo contrition becomes an apology for two, I'm joined by Samantha Bee.

Speaker 1

Samantha, thank you so much for joining us.

Speaker 6

Samantha.

Speaker 14

We have seen this time and time against a bad actor with his supportive spouse by his side.

Speaker 3

You know, if there's one business event your spouse should probably be excused from, it's the one where you explain how you've betrayed them. I mean, what does someone even wear for that? Does this skirt make my ass look humiliated?

Speaker 2

It is mind blowing that they always have their wife either side.

Speaker 14

It seems like cruelty piled upon cruelty.

Speaker 3

Yes, exactly. If anything, Let the hooker stand up there, she's.

Speaker 8

The one everyone wants to say, ladies, Am I right?

Speaker 3

Please?

Speaker 14

Well now, Sam, that's a good point. There are rumors though, that the governor is negotiating his resignation. What are your sources telling you about that?

Speaker 4

Oh?

Speaker 12

I don't.

Speaker 3

I don't really know.

Speaker 5

I haven't.

Speaker 3

I haven't really paying any attention.

Speaker 14

So I asked you to cover this last night to get.

Speaker 3

There, Yeah, I know, I was. I was out, So I didn't you were out that?

Speaker 5

What do you mean you were out at a.

Speaker 3

Club like a private club.

Speaker 5

I'm sorry, Just hold on a second, baby, Yeah, John, I need to make a brief statement.

Speaker 3

Last night, I engaged in activities that failed to live up to the high standards I set for myself.

Speaker 4

As a wife.

Speaker 3

I was with a man, men, a group of men, maybe a lady or two, I don't really remember, definitely though several men. It was a betrayal of my marriage, even if it left me satisfied in a way. My husband, who do you seen next to me?

Speaker 14

Never has sam This is not an appropriate.

Speaker 3

No, no, no, please.

Speaker 8

I owe it to Jason, whom I love more than life itself, mostly as a friend, to confess, to confess my infidelity.

Speaker 3

Of his heart to the entire world. I also apologize to our daughter. I think our definitely mine.

Speaker 14

Samar are you saying you've also been involved in please.

Speaker 3

Jant no more questions. Okay, this is not the time. Okay, hug me, hug me, Jason. Okay, now, don't try to kiss me.

Speaker 14

Just don't try to kiss me.

Speaker 3

Let's now, we're gonna walk out together. Okay, hold my hand and need you more than ever asked.

Speaker 9

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you.

Speaker 3

Get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten.

Speaker 6

Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmouth Plus.

Speaker 2

This has been a Comedy Central podcastw

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