Chelsea Handler Covers China Asking For Its Spy Balloon Back | Lea Michele

let's get into the headlines. H I wanted to kick things off with a heartwarming story tonight. As a woman, it's always nice to see a father spending real quality time with their daughter, especially when they are such a busy career man. Him Jong Borne dictator and family man, brought his daughter and wife to the military parade, which featured more intercontinental ballistic missiles than ever before. Believed to

be called Jewey, maybe nine or ten years old. This is the fifth public event for Kim's daughter since November, the only one of his children to be shown in public, fueling speculation he may be grooming her for succession at elementary school age she already outranks are room full of senior military officers. I didn't know that Kim Jong had a daughter, and judging from this photo, it looks like he's got another Their butt in the oven. Yes, this

girl is speculated to become Kim's successor. Who would have ever thought that North Korea would have a female leader before America? And she's a minority. I have to say, I am so sick of these NEPO babies. First we have Lily Rose Depp, and then Willow Smith and now this girl. Whatever happened to becoming a nuke wielding tyrant on merit? You don't how many girls are out there working hard, learning how to fire missiles and starve an entire population who will never have an opportunity to lead

a regime. Also, to all the men out there who think fedoras are cute, I want you to know that this is what you look like. It is not a good look, especially when you're like a giant cabbage patch kid. Let's move on to the man who invented cabbage patch kids, George Santos. Earlier this week, he was roasted at the State of the Union by Utah senator and Silver Fox Mitt Romney, and apparently Georgie didn't appreciate it. Meanwhile, Santos is firing back and Senator Mitt Romney after they clashed

at the State of the Union. Romney said Santos should be embarrassed and should have sat in the back and stayed quiet. It's not the first time in history that I've been told to shut up and go to the back of the room, especially by people who come from a privileged background. And I think it's reprehensible that the Senator would say such a thing to me in the demeaning way. He said. It wasn't very Mormon of him.

That's what I can tell you. First of all, you can't complain about people coming from a privileged background when you dressed like young Sheldon, you're saying that was a very Mormon mint Rob me is so Mormon that whatever he does is the Mormon thing to do. He is the King of the Mormons. All Mormons are mad at you right now. And as a Jewish person, I'm going to take take a leap of faith and speak on behalf of all Jews and say we're mad at you two.

Even the Dolly Lama is like, oh, this motherfucker. I like how he says it's not the first time he's been told to go to the back of the room. It sounded like he was about to say African Americans like me were told to go to the back for years, but we said no. At the same time, though, George Santos is an absolute bitch and I love it. I'm gonna miss him. I'm gonna miss him when he's in prison in two months. Let's move on to the latest way that dumb people are spending their lives. People will

do just about anything for clicks on social media. But this is really stupid. Jumping from the highest point pause well and intentionally landing in the water with a belly flop. It's a stunt so terrifying they're calling it death diving. It's extreme belly flopping, and out does it hurt. The higher the jump, the more the clicks. This guy is jumping off a roof into a pool belly first. This

video alone has nearly forty four million views watches. She throws yourself off of a platform one feet in the air. Experts say, definitely don't do it. There's potential for a lot of injuries. They can boo crack a rib their their internal organs can separate. This trend was brought to you by white cloth, the preferred drink for white people who want to do stupid ship. And by the way, I don't want to nitpick the way people are trying to kill themselves. But it's not really a belly flop

unless you spread your arms out like this. I see you guys tucking in at the last second. Do you want to separate your internal organs or don't you? I love I love how experts say definitely don't do it yet no ship sherlock. And by the way, you guys don't have to push things this far to go viral. You can just ski down a mountain topless like I do.

I got set it less. On the other hand, if all the young, hot blonde women wanted belly flopped to their deaths, have fun because it's less competition for me. And finally, let's move on to our big international story for the week, the impending Cold War between Joe Biden and ge and China. The massive recovery effort now under way unmanned underwater vehicles seeking out wreckage from the balloon's huge technology bay. This size of three busses. Those vehicles

also searching for possible explosives. A senior US official tells me the balloon had a self destruct capability. As the US collects debris and with it information, China today declaring the airship does not belong to the United States but to China. The Biden administration making it clear they're not getting it back. Huge, China, you set the balloon over here to spy on us. We found it and now it's ours. You don't get to de man that we return it, just like the guy who attacked Nancy Pelosi's

husband doesn't get his hammer back. And I don't know about you guys, but I'm not scared about the supposed explosive self destructing capability on a balloon. All balloons have a self destructing capability. It's called its deflating. Also, it doesn't belong to us. I'm sorry, China, but that's confusing. Okay. Usually when you release things, it's for the entire world to enjoy. Like COVID for more on the balloon clean up. We go now to Michael Costa at the seat of

the records. What's going on, Michael Jelsea, I'm here in the debris field, which is seven miles wide, and it just keeps expanding. One thing experts have learned during this cleanup is that water moves. So how is the recovery going? Not great? You know, it's hard to distinguish the spy balloon debris from debris like this that just seems to always be in the ocean. It's sad, but there's absolutely nothing we can do about it. Well, is there any way that we would ever have to give any piece

of the balloon back to China? How dare you? Chelsea? Okay? America has full rights to the balloon under the historic doctrine of finders keepers, which of course was later amended to include losers weepers. However, under you and law, if America failed to declare no backseas, China can called dibbs, provided that before they launched the balloon they licked it. Okay, Well, thank you for your legal expertise, Michael. One last question. How much longer will the recovery take? It might be

a while. I mean, the search is being hampered by all the TikTokers who are death diving into this debris field, and the Navy is doing goddamn it, my guys, I'm doing a report. You know, he really pisses me off, Chelsea. If they're not even belly flopping, they're tucking in at the last second. That's what I was saying. You know, it's like they don't even want to separate their internal organs. God damn it, Oh my god. Look what I found? I think I found a piece of the balloon. Hey,

navy guys, is this something? Be careful, Michael. That might be the self destructing part of the balloon. They were talking about the self destructing part of the what Well, I'm sure he'll be okay, Michael cost say, everyone my favorite comedians got to talk more about the back to the Daily Show. There are more stories out there to talk of out and to help me talk through them, I've brought in some friends. Uh please welcome Otsko Okotska,

Rosebud Baker, and Bob the Drag Queen. Okay, Hi, Chelsea, Hi Otsko. How are you talk stories? Well, we have some stories. We have one of the Kardashians, Courtney, who's the most um, I guess untouched one. I would say, right, Courtney is coming out with a vaginal gummy so you take the I'm confused about whether you put the gummy in your mouth or straight directly into your Pikachu. But it's supposed to improve the smell and taste of your Pikachu.

And then it tastes like pineapple. So that's I don't know if that's even possible to put a gummy. I wouldn't even want that flavor. I wouldn't want like arctic blast, you know fresh. It's gonna surprise some people's issue. What if you like the original taste? Is that if a gummy that makes sure tastes like pineapples, I want a seasoning that makes my salad taste like I know, I'm sick of products like this. I'm just like, just hold

your nose and go down on me. Also first, just a regular shower will do it most of the time. What I mean, you get fancy with this, and I think I'm the only one that's like, I need this, Okay, hold on. Also, they know this makes it taste better. For can you imagine there was a taste tester, there was a person out their company be like, no more invitament. See you know what I mean? Nice work if you can get it. I mean the line outside for that

job is like, let me tell you that long. You have to check back in and she's one day married, Like Travis Scott with the check or Travis what's his name Barker, We had a check back in to find out if it works. In like six we see what he says about it. Yeah, yeah, Well he seems like he's so in love with her he doesn't care what kind of smell or taste is coming out of any orthic. Those two are like inside of each other. Every time you see them on you can come up with a

Dave's Hot Chicken version. I really want to on the testing round, though I also already deduce. I already eat my yogurt with fruit, So this time, this whole time, I could have been doing it. On the other end, I've been doing it for free. Courtney Um Whitney Houston is releasing a new album. I'm confused by this. This keeps happening at two Pac did this. He started this trend, people releasing albums after they die. Beethoven's releasing something next

week to yeah. I thought Abba was releasing because they were nominated for the Grammys past week, and I was like, ama, I thought they had crossed over as well. I didn't realize that they're still alive. And where you have media, there's somewhere an artist. I thought they had pasted on. So it's gospel. It's a gospel album with six previously unreleased songs, so it will be new material again, very surprising. It's called Go to the Rock, and I was like, honestly,

I was ready for her. Like Lesbian Pride album called Go to the Cubby Hole. One of the songs sounds like a Lesbian Pride song. One of the songs it's called, it's called hold On to Help is on the Way, which is the story about les Been helping a gay guy kill a spider. Go to the Rock is a great name for Like Hunter Biden's book, there was a Japanese in a Japanese zoo. They figured out that a female monkey got pregnant despite being separated from all the

male monkeys. Um, so when they investigated this situation, they found hole in the wall. And so this is the first ever monkey glory hole. I guess, yeah. And now the couple is living together and they're going to raise the baby. When they have the baby, that's where they messed up. That's where they messed up, because I feel like she should be so lucky, Like we should all be so lucky. You know, most of us have to

get pregnant watching a man. As soon as I heard someone monkey got pregnant in the room by itself, I was like, I promise you, Nick Cannon visited that zoo with anything with a uterus within a hundred square yards of Nick Cannon will get pregnant. I promise you. I had very unwatched pregnancy should be blamed on Nick Cannon, right, I think these monkeys sound fun like so in confinement they found a whole I mean, and I heard the other monkey was a different like kind of monkey to

interracial monkey pracial love. Aren't we for it? Yeah, thank you guys for being here so much. Thank you, thank you, Thank you, him you guys. When we come back and me in the show will be joining me on the show. I'll put away Wendo back to the Daily Show. My guest Tonight is an Emmy and Grammy nominated actor and singer in the Broadway revival of Funny Girl, which is breaking box office records, and the cast album landed at number one on the Billboard charts. Please welcome me a show.

So I'm so happy for you. This is so cool and you're just nailing it. You're so good. Thank you, thank you. I went I how many people here have seen Funny Girl? Okay, well not enough. You all need to see this play. I went to your play last night, and I have to say it was one of those classic Broadway experiences that I haven't had in a few years. You are incredible, and there are a lot of people who are famous, but you are really really talented. Because

I really appreciate that. Yeah, I was hard work. Well obviously it's hard work, but it takes a lot of talent to even execute that. I mean, there's dancing, they're singing, You're funny, it's a comedy. I was so nervous because I I heard you might be there, and then I saw you, and I was like, anybody who's just like you know and so funny and so gifted in the way that you are Like you and Chris Rock are the two people I was the most nervous having in

the audience. Oh well, that's sweet, I guess. I mean, I have to tell you. When I got out during intermission, I went to go get a diet coke, and and everyone was coming up to me, like every gay person in the theater was coming up to me to tell me how amazing. They're like, I love that, so like can you believe it? How amazing is she? And I'm like, I'm not her mother. Everyone send all of your comments

and concerns and everything to Chelsea. She speaks for me. Now, Yes, it's a d M me at Ellen degenerate a mid bit. So you came into this play while it was already up and running, So I have to know, like how long it took you to prepare for this and what what I mean the schedule must be. It's a it's an unbelievable schedule. And and anybody working, I mean anybody on Broadway is working so incredibly hard. It's eight shows

a week. I do seven shows a week. Um, I had I think something like six weeks to learn everything. It's about fifteen songs, twenty two costume changes, something like seven to ten wig changes. It's it's a lot. And mid my rehearsal process. Um, I was told that I had to start sooner than I than I thought, and so it was a really intense experience. But I did feel as prepared as I could for my first night. I just wanted to make all the quick changes happen

and not walk on stage naked. That was like my biggest thing. Yeah. Yeah, It's just so much fun to watch.

I was sitting there and I was with my niece on one side and a friend of mine on the other side, and I was just smiling so hard, like my cheek shirt, like I was on ecstasy or something, and I was like, oh my god, this is so joyous and everyone and you got so many standing ovations in the middle of your songs, like that's so beautiful to see for a performer, it's it's by far the most incredible experience I've had as performer on stage in a work environment. I'm having truly the time of my life.

That's nice because last time I saw you, I haven't seen you in a few years. And the last time since I've seen you last you've got married and had a baby. Yes I know, I have a husband and a baby, and it does it's you know, leaving my son. He was just too when I started the show, and it's hard. It's hard for any parent going to work, um, but I literally went from being home every single day to then going to work and being at work all

the time. And it's tough, but there is something also so amazing about coming home and like having that family life that I never had while I was working. It's grounding and I'm so grateful for it. Well that's great because I'll never know what that feeling. I mean, choice moved to, you know, we were talking about it, to the city. I've never lived in New York City. I'm here,

is good, It is good. Maybe that's the teat you know, that's the so like, how has it changed because you've done so many Broadway plays when you were younger, right, I mean that's kind of how you got discovered. First. I did my first Broadway show when I was eight years old, totally unplanned. I just kind of walked into it.

And then I continued working until I was twenty three, and then I left to go to l A and I did you know, Glee out there and other TV shows and never really planned on coming back to New York. And then it was the pandemic that brought us home because this is where our families are. And yeah, I'm back on Broadway after fifteen years and it's it's wild having been gone for so long and jumping back into this schedule. And you know, when you're doing television, you're

doing new material every day. It's a new script, it's a new storyline. This is the same thing every day, and there's something as an artist that's really exciting about that. It's like, how do you make that new? And how do you how do you bring your own excitement to it every night? How do you? I mean, it's it really depends on how I'm feeling. I'll have a day where I'm in a really up the mood and I lean into the humor and that really is what gives

me the energy. And then there are days when I need to kind of work some stuff out and and that's what I lean into, more of the the emotion and the drama. And what are you saying to yourself? Like what does a person say before you walk out into a theater like that big having to perform for that Dear God, please God, you should see me before the show. I'm like praying. I'm like, oh my God. But I also think like, if there is a show,

can you say that? I don't see why not If there is a show, to mess up like this is the one, because it's like I feel so comfortable turning to the audience and just being like, well, here we go. That didn't work out. Let's try it again from the top. But it's it's there's nothing like there's nothing like live theater. And I love it so much, this honest dream come true.

That so many people have known that I've really waited so long to play this part, and the fact that I'm doing it, it's I still every single night I'm like, I cannot believe I'm doing this and that people are enjoying it. And it's the most incredible cast of incredible, hard working actors and performers, and we really have fun in the midst of doing what is a very challenging job and making an album in the midst of also doing all of our shows and having it do so well.

Is is just another great gift. Yeah, well, good for you. Everybody needs to go see Funny Girl. It's playing now on Broadway at the August Listen here, We're gonna be right back, and it's shop for tonight. It has been an absolute honor to be the first Jewish female host on the Daily Show, but now it is time for

something a little different. Sarah Silverman will be here next week, and if you want to catch more of me, I have a new Netflix special called Revolution that is streaming now and I'm going on tour and coming to a city near you, so check the link below for dates.

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcast What's the Daily Show weeknights and eleven tenth Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fair Amount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast