You're listening to Comedy Central. Wow, what's a Bear's Edition? Listener, It's Josh Johnson right for the Daily Show. You're about to here an episode of one of our original daily show podcasts, hold Up, hosted by me and Daily Show correspondent Duel Say Sloan. It's where we take our office banter into a weekly world words about topics big and small.
In this episode, we debate carpet versus hardwood floors. We chat about which option takes less time to clean, the perils of carpet burn, and white carpet in the bathroom should never happen. Tune in to find out which side the debate we each land on, And if you like the show, check out the hold Up podcast wherever you get your podcasts. You've had a carpet burn as an adult, it's very easy. All you gotta do is catch yourself off some carpet and slip a little, and it's all
the risks. Oh well, there are other ways. There are other ways. Yep, there are other ways. And we'll just say there are other ways there. There there are other there's really only one other way that I know. Hey, everybody, welcome to hold up This is the show that is. It's really just two people arguing about things that don't really matter, but they mattered everyone, but not in a huge way. It's not gonna affect your life that much
at all. Um. I'm Josh Johnson. I'm a writer for The Daily Show, and I'm a co host of the podcast. I'm joined by those days line bridges. I'm of course bribe every Daily Show. I'm a stand a comedian. I love Jesus, and one of my favorite things to do is make Josh make the face he's making right now. Today we're gonna be talking wie me, weenie me. I've done nothing. I've done nothing today. I'm not a weighty at all. All right. I'm a chrome man, okay, Um, I look, I'm not one. I am not aweenie. Okay.
I'm just you remember that, and you tell the streets all right when they talk about in the streets, I am the whole dog, all right. I am not awaenie. Okay, thank you. We're not gonna be talking about the streets today. Today we're gonna be talking about the insides, all right. We're talking about carpet versus hardwood floors. It didn't sound that weird. I was talking about, not talking about the streets, talking about the insides. It didn't sound weird. When when
you let it linger like that, it becomes weird. But if no, no, no, no no no, if you would just go ahead and talk normal when it was normal, it wouldn't be weird, you know. But when you leave a silence in a room, it becomes weird. Oh yeah, just me a hundred. Tell the people where you land on this debate of carpet versus hardwood. I'm gonna have to say, as someone whose hips and back have been
suffering on his hard ass floor. Wow, since I left the Great State of Georgia, because see my mamma's house at hardwood and carpet, and I love being upstairs. No, it wasn't upstairs hardwood. So many places people are like, oh, carpet's gross. Carpets not gross if you clean it, you
mean nasty. Okay, okay. Carpet is love is nice. It's soft, you know, and if you get the chance, you can shuffle your feet on it and and shot your brother or your mom um, or every once in a while you can uh static electricity shock your cat now a purpose, or just going to pick up the cat you've been on the floor all day, or they shock you. That's interesting. A cat miracle came up and she went zoom and
we were both very much caught off guard. Yeah, yeah, I don't imagine cat looking at its pause being like more powers. There's a video of a cat or memory phone. Uh it's you know, they stepped down and it goes back up and step down, the back up, and at one point the cat's like walking backwards looking at his paw prints, but they keep popping up and the cat just looks at his paw. He's like step step step the fuck like he just looks at his hand, like, am I not doing what I was based to be doing.
Cats also have so much confidence that to see one be like is it memm is particularly is particularly insane, where usually cats are like, no, I know better than water, all right, I'm gonna go ahead and lick the back rather than dip it in some water and actually clean it. I'm gonna lick it until I feel like it's clean. That's the amount of confidence that cats have, right, So for a cat to look at its own paul and be like, maybe it's me. No, I don't that does
not happen in nature. No, it's because there's no memory foam in nature. It's wild because even humans are like just supposed bouncing this thing and then everything and I get up and it's not shaped like me. Wow. Okay, so I'm saying it's carpet is soft. Yeah, yeah, yeah it hard would be sucking up psychoticals. I love when you started a story like this, a boy back in the day who his girl was cheating and he fouled out from the bid brief Josh, because the dude had
just left when he got there, Josh. And it wasn't like a cartoon, It wasn't like a perfect imprint, but it was just like, you don't take up that much space on a bed, Josh. Me shack shag rack a bidding to go. Johnson, I will I never tell you? Oh, oh fucking while, Josh Johnson, I Ken, how does anyone? I mean? It was It was one of those things too where I'm sure if he didn't think about it, it wasn't gonna it wasn't gonna like really occur to him.
But because of the memory fin because of the memory phone, and once again, not some perfect imprint, not some head to toe foot you know, Looney Tune through a wall imprint, not kool aid Man through your not No, not kool aid Man in the mattress. I'm I'm saying it was just too big of an intention coming back up off the bed. So you know who his shape is. He knows what his shape is. And then he saw that shape and said, oh, that's not that's not me. I
just walked in. That's not my backside. Yeah. Also, how is there an invention if I haven't been here and that dude just left. But yeah, carpet is also. Yeah, you think carpets comfortable and everything. I'm with you, I'm with you. What I am against is carpet in a bathroom.
That's a bad idea. That's wild and I've I've seen it a couple of times just in even This is the wildest thing to me about about when people choose used to put carpet in and they do it in a bathroom, or they just do it in a place that doesn't make a li sense. One of the reasons that there's been a turn, there's been a turn this decade against carpet onto my side, onto the hardwood floor.
Side of the argument is because cheap hotels, motels, they've they've done carpet dirty, and they become a representative, an unwanted representative of the carpet brand, that this is just covering something up, that this is just dirty. Now, Yeah, because they've done carpet dirty, meaning that not that they've been inappropriate to a carpet, is that when they're doing carpet, the carpet is dirty. The carpet's dirty, and it doesn't actually I don't even know what you would call it.
Someone who actually does interior design would know what it is. But I've never seen in a motel a carpet that was flushed to the wall. It's either an inch short so you see what the real floor looks like, or it's like slightly riding up the wall in the corner where you be staying. This is where it was staying. This is where I'm staying. Now where you be staying? Come on, you know what you you you know by
literal struggle, I can't say. I mean, listen, I've been in a hotel where there was a band aid stuck to the wall, So I know you're just talking about Yeah, I know it's talking. I'm not gonna say that I haven't lived this life. I haven't been in a smoking hotel room in Middle Tennessee. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna tell it. Allow myself what a will say. I noticed that now cheaper hotels, one, it probably is easier to maintain. If you're a cheap ass hotel. Yeah,
it's probably easier to maintain not having carpet one. Spills are much easier to get in. Nothing's seeping down, like I can I see the motivation. The hotels are always cold as shit and the floor is so slippery, Like I'm never in a situation where I'm like, I wanted to bust my ass today, Like I'm not that I don't. I don't know why why I busted my ass always seems to be the option, Like I just can't live,
you know what I mean? Okay, Because the floors are so slippery, it's like yeah, yeah, oh, I've never wanted to meet Jesus like this. I want to, you know, go on my sleep, but a Christian surrounded by my loved ones and one good enemy. Um, I that that would be funny to just be on your deathbed and look over at somebody and be like, see how many people love me? Be my friend lace lace barre Larisha's
an amazing commune, And she said, my sister. She always says that when she dies, she wants to be on a funeral pire m pushed out like in the middle of Lake Lanier, and she wants one of her biggest enemies to roll out to this burning feed her. Pire lights a cigarette off of her burden body, go bitch, and then roll back to shore. What kind of what kind of life do you have to be living to have the type of enemies with the upper body strength
to roll out to the middle of a lake wild? Yeah, and not like not a leg that can get a little choppy if it catches some wind. Yeah, Lanier a death lake to start with, Ye already violating the law by burning a body on this lake, M right, M. But to have someone roll out to your body light of fire, bitch, And then honestly, also, this person is your greatest enemy that have to agree to this, Yeah. Yeah, They have to hate you so much that they're like
that's a great idea. Yeah, Like you know what, bitch, I will come to your funeral I'll bring my own oars. It's like, yeah, she deserved it that I hope she burns it. Hell, Like, that's that's what we're doing. My thing is, I'll pitch you this real quick pitch, a love pinch. I think that there's a stigma on hardwood floors that they are what make you really m bust ass and and crack skull and and U bang knee. Right, But let's not forget that carpet is not innocent here.
It's not some innocent bystander. It's not some some sweet catch all. Oh you fail, let me catch you on this soft carpet. No, it's not all that. It's not all it's cracked up to be. There's a dark side to carpet that y'all need to understand. It's called carpet. No, No, y'all don't act like you know though we were all the carpet people that I know want to act like they've never slid and burned. Okay, it's been. First of all, I'm not a child, so I don't think i've had
That's not true. You've had a carpet burned as an adult. It's very easy. All you gotta do is catch yourself off some carpet and slip a little, and it's it's all the risks. I oh, well, there are other ways. There are other ways. Yep, there are other ways. And we'll just say there are other ways. They're there. There are other there's really only one other way that I know, really only one other way that we were openly discussed. Yeah, there's really crazy now that I think about it. There
are really all the two ways. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then riding down the stairs and you know you you're riding at you're riding down the stairs and you you know, whatever your medium or for sliding goes out from underneath you. That's that's the other way. That's the only other way for everyone way, yes, e for every one way to get carpet burns on your knees. Now, I do feel like the other thing is you brought it up is a really great point. The cleanliness and the ability to
keep these floors clean. Now, with a carpet, you're gonna want to have not just a vacuum, but you're gonna have the right vacuum for the texture of carpet that you have. It's called the pile. The pile, the height of your car. Really okay, yeah, pile. I did not know that alight, so so old vacuums. Remember that knob that used to be on the front of like those bags,
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, that was for the pile. Because if you had, like say, you had a carpet that was just like a fade mmmmm, which is a very short like look cut fade m you would have a town carpet mmmm. Yeah. Carpet with a lineup, yeah, with some edges. Let's manes the carpets madges sidebar. Can we talk about the ineffectiveness of the carpet sweeper? Okay, okay, I'm glad someone finally brought up. It took about twenty years, but finally someone has brought up something that's bothered me
for decades my entire childhood. They would be like, they give you this thing, and I'm just like, the fuck is this for? Like the amount of times you went over one one thing? Yeah, one thing, the worst wan you would see somebody in a restaurant using one, You're like, ma'am, ma'am, man, it's not gonna work. That's not gonna work. You're gonna spend your whole shift. You're a whole shift trying to get them crumbs from underneath. That type, you will have
one strong triseep and one regular tricep. If you keep going, you're gonna be annoyed. You're gonna be You might as well just mop. That's very funny. You might as well mop the carpet for all that you're doing the way that UM. A carpet needs special care and attention. If you're trying to keep it pristine, if you're trying to keep it like the day you bought it for years, you're gonna have to do a little bit more than just like, oh, I bought a dice in vacuum, and
you know, I guess we're good. You know. I remember one of the punishments as a kid was cleaning the hat, cleaning the carpet and not being allowed to use the vacuum, like having to sweep carpet. Yeah, yeah, you ever just get punished with a puzzle. That's right. And the thing is what the secret is sweeping carpet m h. It's swift. You can't like you know, with the with the regular like on a hardwood floor, you take a broom, you
just slide across MMMM. With a carpet. You really have to just do very quick motions mm to get it all yeah, to get it all irritated and dust it up. Yeah yeah, get all dusty up. M. That's why they talk like when Carpet Fresh came out, everybody's house smelled wild as hell because Carpet Fresh smelled like something you put down for a pet. Like. It never smelled like, yeah, oh now my house smells like a meadow. No, it's oh you must have a dog. I also think that
so we you know, we've talked about potential injury. We've talked about cleanliness. Uh you know that hardwood wins that one easy for easy mop easy swiffer you know, um, but Swiffer, Now, Swiffer, we have to talk about. Swiffer changed the game. It did. Yeah, I will say before so as someone who didn't grow up with a swiffer the whole time, right, the swiffer came later, there was a true difference. That was one of the first products.
The swiffer was one of the first products that was as easy to use as it actually looked in the commercial. A lot of those commercials like to make it look like they're making your life so much easier. The swiffer really came through and was like, no, you don't. You could just stand here. You got the whole thing. Just stand here and do it. That's the whole thing right there.
And then it was like, okay, well here's basically it's like, here's a Clarks, here's a baby white before your floor, right m Also, and then when they got to swift for wet jet, nigger, you're telling me with just two double A batteries and some floor juice. I do feel like it changed my perspective on cleaning too, because it used to be when I had to sweep, I was like, all right, now I gotta get a guy, get under the couch. Guy moved with the couch, gotta sweep under here.
What I mean, I'm not even gonna find any pennies. This is this is terrible. And then with the swiffer, the way it attracted the dust, yes, the way that it was like no, no, no, no, you've done enough. Let me put in some work. I got you. I want to touch on something now that I feel like is it's not always considered because you know, ideally it's not going to happen to you, but you know you and I. We live in New York. I know you're blessed enough. I've been blessed enough to be in high floors,
but not everybody has that. You know, there are people that live below us. There's people that live below other people all the time. What would you rather your upstairs neighbor have hardwood clanking and clanking and clanking and or carpet. I feel like this is one of the things where I have to concede a little bit where carpet. Carpet comes in over hardwood. Hardwood takes an l when it
comes to neighbors, it really does. I am my other apartment, I had a neighbor m recording a car like Great North, and this person with vacuum every Friday. But I didn't know what they were vacuuming. Yeah, because we all had hardwood floors. Mhmm, So what are you doing? A maybe within their hardwood they have some spaces, might those some of those wood pieces might have some spaces, like some extra gaps in the teeth, and they got a vacuumum
out what I feel like. I was like, maybe they had rugs, because the thing is, there's nothing to stop you from running a vacuum over a hardwood floor. I have a roomba. A roomba also, a roomba is like if you gave puppies. It's like if you give a puppy or a kitten a job, it's a roomba mhm. Because they're like, oh, it maps your house. No, the fucking doesn't. It runs into walls. Yeah, until it runs in the wall, until it runs out of power. Yeah.
It sucks up your floorboards until they can't fucks them up no more. That's all I remember. And it's like it's helpful because like I don't have to clean my floor now. Hm la doom ba is cleaning my floor. I get it. It's great, But girl, put the bottle down wrong. The way that you said put the bottle like, the way that all this came together really was a mystery to me until you because you went you were saying something else and that you just out of nowhere
to say, girl, put the bottle down. I was like, I was trying to not with you. I was trying to be like, Okay, maybe this is gonna be something. Yeah, yeah, being being a room but really just slamming a vacuum into walls just truly just really real stuntman energy. But I can't tell you that that roomba. That roomba has fucked up three of my pedicures. Oh, because it ran over your foot a suff I mean in the most distress. So does it How does it work? Does it run
into your foot fast? How does that work? There's a little bit of speed behind it. But it didn't just run into my foot. It ran over my foot. Damn. I didn't even know they had that type of clearance. I did not either until it chipped, like I mean always it's always chipping a big toe or a baby jump. I thought they were really just sucking floor. And so the fact the fact that it could go over that's terrifying.
I think it's got an alter rain set. Wait, what did you say, an alterrain So you think it has an alter so to clean, to clean the outside, got a four by four setting, so you would let it clean a mountain. I think that they have adapted it to where because it's like it has to be able to go up things because as we go up on the carpet go down to the floor, and I think it's going over stairs. But it has to deal with
like probably different heights of things. Okay, so like, fuck, let's just put a four by four in this bitch. All right, what do you mean? I didn't say anything. I said, all right, how did it? If not? How if not? Me? When I feel like there's a huge amount of middle ground between you, what what you just proposed at, what it's actually doing, the way that you're the way that you're being Like, if it's not that, then what could it be? Is it is not correct
to me? Are you a scientist? This is what? This is what happens? You can't somebody in a while purchase action and then they immediately turned on you. Are you an engineer? I'm just asking, nigger, are you a scientist? Okay? I want answers were Yeah, But the fact that we both don't know doesn't mean one of us definitely knows. But from a place that you thought you might know. No, I'm talking from a place where that does sound right. You always do this to me. I always do what
you always do this to me. You make you sound like that I'm saying the wild thing, making it sound like les talking about making it sound like yes, making it sound as if it is not wild that you said that under the room, but is all terrade. I'm I'm just saying, I don't know why to put a four by four nitch. I mean, there's truly no way to me, at least, no way that carpet comes out on top of hardwood. I think that hardwood has laid down a literal foundation for a beautiful and picturesque home.
I think that carpet sometimes it's very easy for carpet to be ruined. Let's talk about ruined for a second. Let's talk about damage, because you really got to burn hardwood, you really got to smash hardwood. Your girl I was friends with was having like a party at her parents house and her little cousin m went in the den with a red drink, okay, and the carpet was like white,
like a light cream white color. Can we just say, very brave, very brave, very brave of them, and all of us who were the young adults so like late twenties, early thirties, all went like, hey, hey, come back, come back. And then her mom was like, oh, he's fine, and we went, excuse me, I don't live there, this isn't my house. But I was like, oh, I said, they
look like getting everybody flashbacks. We're not we don't have to go on a full tangent, but the bravery, the hubrists, the hubrists, the fucking, and then the thing we thought it was hubris, but then she was like, no, he's okay, and we were no, he's not. He can't be in there with that. And not only that, she was like, no, he's fine. And then my friend whose mom and whose house it was, she was like, you would have never let me in there, and we were like, we wouldn't
have been allowed. And so because we all refused, like there was older adults like parent age in there with food and drinks. Everybody was in then, like the twenties and thirties, would not go in the den unless somebody was like, We're like are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure it's okay for us to do this? Are you sure? Because of course they have like barbecue or something. We all refuse to go in the living room because the other issue at played because we were traumatized. Yeah,
that's the other. We were truly fucking traumatized. We could not even handle the idea. Imagine ruining a part of your house or someone else's that's or someone else's that's the position the carpet can put you in. You can destroy a hardwood floor, Oh it's much harder. There's nothing you can do to a hardwood floor that wouldn't also destroy a carpet floor. You can't scratch carpet, yeah, but you can make a tear. You can, But a tearing carpet is much easier to fix than a tearing hardwood.
You can fuck up a hardwood floor, you can gauge it, you can. You can stay in a hardwoodloor, just like you and staying a carpet. It's easier to stay in a carpet than it is to stay in a hardwood floor. But it can be done. Now, I'll stay in for me in my house, I would prefer carpet, just because, like in a hotel room, I understand not going to harder, even though whenever I'm in a hotel room that doesn't have carpet, it's always I don't like that either. I
don't understand what cheaper hotels like. If I was thinking at a cheap hotel, please have a hard before. But if I'm staying at the London in La bro come on, give me some carpet give me a nice luscious you're the wildest place I've ever seen carpet. I was the Jamie Fox's house and this man had carpet outside that went almost right up to the pool. That is that
is wild. I mean it's a brilliant thing though, because that means when you're getting out of the pool and you're you know, dripping on the floor, you're drying up as you're walking, right. So I'm sure a specific indoor carpet. But the thing is it was the same color as the carpet from the house. M oh so it really makes the pool feel like it's in the living room. I got you or you know, it's a continuous thing where you're like and it was the softest carpet I
ever been in my life. I don't know if they put foam underneath this outdoor carpet, but the steps down to the pool area and then around the pool area, it was like spongey soft. What it went. That's wild. It was nice, But I'm like, this is a I don't to attain those heights m because people are like, what's luxury? Okay, yeah, what's luxury? How do you know you've made it carpet, by your pool, white carpet, buy your pool, Come on, dog, that's kind of life made
people to live. Right before we go ahead and and kick it over to the listener, I want to go over some of our pros and cons of each because I feel like that would be the most fair. I feel like we both agreed that when it comes to noise from upstairs neighbors, they could be they could be noisy. But carpet has a clear advantage over hardwood. A dulls some of the bouncing, some of the walking, some of the dropping, you know, whereas a hardwood really echoes cleaning.
Hardwood's gonna be much easier to clean because of swiffer, because of vacuums, because of brooms, and carpet has a bit more upkeep in the cleaning department. We talked about injuries, and while injuries are gonna be more likely on our hardwood, don't think you can't get burned by carpet. It can happen. It can happen, which we've all been burned by carpet. Don't get it twisted. And the last one is emotional.
It is it is an aesthetic thing. It's literally what do you feel like accompanies your ensemble, the best your decore in the home appropriately and for me it's hardwood, but for you, I see that it's carpet. But we want to know from you the listener, what do you do? What, what would you rather if you don't have it? What do you like about what you have? And what do you think about what we said? Okay, you can let us know on any comment you can. You can obviously
listen to the show. You can, you know, let us know through daily show, through any hold up uh posts that you see. We check, We check our comments and everything. So let us know. Hit us up, write us a review, leave us five stars, and let us know how you feel about at least one of us being right. Yeah, it's I can say this is the most salient argument we've had in a long conversation we've been in a
long time. Yeah, Paracelsan's m Yeah, kudos um. But also it's I think where this is one where you I'm very proud of you because usually get very tactful and oh okay, I get a time okay, alright me, no, no, no no, okay, all right. As long as we've known each other, you're right I'm the one. I'm the one that gets that gets a little combative immediately, you know, that comes at you sort of sideways and stuff. That's that's me. I'm not I'm not saying mm hmm that
I don't be saying stuff. Yeah. Just remember who called who Aweenie at the top of the episode talking about you proud of me? All right, okay, cool? Cool cool cool? Oh wait, is this what gass lighting is? Oh? I think yes, I smell gasoline. If you like any of my little anecdotes, you should check out The Josh Johnson Show. It's my other podcast. It also comes out every Thursday. Wherever you get your podcasts and do you have anything that you want to tell them before we go? Dulsley,
I enjoy the Josh Johnson Show. Listen to my podcast. Hold up all right, Well, y'all have a great rest of the day at a wonderful weekend. We will catch you next time. See see see sweezee sweep. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcast. Watch The Daily Show weekdays eleven ten Central owned Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount pluss. This has been a Comedy Central podcast