Candidates That Faced Off At The GOP Debate Through The Years

You're listening to Comedy Central. Everybody on the streets, you're telling me John New Hampshire's done, Ioway's done, I need my primary fix. Well, don't worry, folks, help is on the way. On Thursday, in Myrtle Beach, their hometown, the Republicans held their last debate for the South Carolina primaries, which began with a moving rendition of the star Spangled banner, sir. Apparently, debate was held on the LDO deck of an eighties cruise ship. Hell, what's that.

Like?

The started the big people wearing gowns. For God's sakes, now going in. Mike Huckaby and John McCain each had one major victory under their belt. Huckeby won Iowa, McCain won New Hampshire. Romney won Wyoming, But apparently that doesn't count the guy. Literally, there's one Wyoming and everybody's like, yeah, Romney's out of it. Whatever the thing. So let's see how Huckaby and McCain, who are now the two front runners for the Republican nomination, do in a good old

Stayed faithful to the things that Ronald Reagan stayed faithful to.

All right, so Governor Huckabee has never cheated on Nancy Reagan. I don't know what good that's going to do the rest of the electorate. Let's move along to Senator McCain.

I'm proud to have been a member of the Reagan Revolution, a foot soldier.

I was a gunner.

There we were.

The Governor to my left, to pockets to my right. There I be. You know what, Let's open up the Reagan Off to the floor. Ronald Reagan appointed me Associate Attorney General of the United States. Or Reagan knew your name, ron o'bregan knew your name. The first round of the Reagan Off goes to Giuliani. And let's see, the first round is worth I don't know, nine and eleven points. Okay,

Senator I know how to secure the borders.

You know how to secure the borders. Aparently South Carolina having a terrible time with two wiley bootleggers from Georgia. I believe.

I believe they're named.

Oh damn you, I'm gonna get you YouTube boys. McCain continued, I come from a border state where our borders are broken.

More people come across our border illegally every year than most any other.

State, So it sounds like you don't know how to secure the borders. I've got more experience with Mexicans coming in, ladies and gentlemen. I'm overrun with people in this country illegally. Governor Huckebee, I think you have your opening.

Roads were horrible. I took on the worst road system in the country, according to Trucker's Magazine. When I left, they said it was the most improved road system in the country.

I actually I have that issue in Trucker's magazine. There's a great article about mudflaps in it that My favorite part about Trucker's Magazine actually is, and I'm guessing you haven't read it. I buy it and I read it, and then I spend the rest of the week working on the crossword. And I'll just twenty seven down five letter word for mobile vehicular transport unit.

Truck.

Okay, twenty one down monster blank.

Truck.

Here's one rhymes with every month, the same puzzle.

That killing me.

You know, I'll tell you where the performance of huck and McCain. This really is Trucker magazine. By the way, I'm not getting around Okay, you know what, maybe tomorrow night I'll just read you something from Trucker Magazine. I believe that Huckby and McCain I've opened up a real opportunity for Giuliani in this debate. Let me hear what he has to say.

I threw Arafat out of the UN fifty celebration, and I made sure Castro wouldn't come to that celebration.

Basually, Juliani is saying that his foreign policy experience is stopping two old men from going to a party. Actually, and this is true if you watch the debate. The biggest different in this debate between the ones that were in the lead up to Iowa and New Hampshire was the tone. Now they're in the real heart of going after the base, they're in the South. Here's the tone that they've set in terms of dealing with the problem overseas.

I think you're going to engage the United States military to be prepared that the next thing you see will be the gates of Hell, for that is exactly what you will see after that.

What Sarah and this instant, I'm not interested in trading without Caido. All they want to trade is burkas. I don't want to travel with them. They like one way tickets.

I think one more step, you know, and they would have been in a do to those virgins that they're looking forward to seeing.

The thing that they never show is is the audience that they're playing to.

Who would that they would have been introduced to those virgins that they're looking forward to seeing.

By the way, you can get all of those great Republican debate comedy snaps in the new comedy album You might be an Islamo Fascist if. As you know, Tuesday is the New Hampshire primary, the most crucial vote since last week's I Will Caucus, and a key belt weather for the South Carolina vote twelve days from then, which, as you know, is a proven ground.

Yeah.

The remaining Republican candidates gathered Saturday night on ABC television for a nine pm debate, and then inexplicably reassembled the next morning at nine am on NBC for another debate. It's like the Republican primaries become a telethon for electoral dystrophy. It's the fourteenth and fifteenth debate. I mean, they're out of things to talk about. Here was what they were

I'd be watching the college championship basketball game, football game. I'm a football game, and we'd be.

Watching the championship game. Afraid is football?

I love it.

I'd probably read an economic.

Textbook, I believe one of you. Seriously, if you went down the line of the candidates, the real answers would be real housewives. I'd be watching real housewives, Real housewives, Real housewives, Real housewives. I'd be reading an economic textbook. In fact, the Saturday debate, the Saturday debate was so lame, there was only one thing people even wanted to talk about afterwards. Nobody really went after Mitt Romney.

A lot of his rivals for the Republican nomination didn't really attack him.

The five opponents to Mitt Romney really didn't hit him very hard.

Everybody threw punches, but few of them at Mitt Romney.

When is someone going to kick Mitt Romney in the balls? We want to know. Well, it turns out the prayers were answered ten hours later on the Lord's Day.

I realized the red light doesn't mean anything to you because you're the front runner.

If you didn't want to even stand before the people at Massachusetts and run on your record, if it was that great, why did you bail out? I was criticized last night by Governor Romney for putting my country.

First, a relatively timid Massachusetts moderate.

This nation is divided, David, because of attitudes like that.

Can we drop a little bit of the pious maloney? The fact is you ran in ninety four and lost. That's why you weren't serving in the Senate.

Wait, your bolooney has a first name, and it's pious. That is a terrible name for belogoney. I'm can I have a pious bologne and sanctimonious chief Sandwich Newt Gingridge calling someone out for some pious blogoney. That'd be like Newton Gingrich waxing poetic on the sanctity of marriage.

The sacroe of marriage was based on a man and woman, has been for three thousand years, is at the core of our civilization and is something worth protecting and upholding.

Now that is some pious blogoney.

But you know what to be fair, not to be fair?

To be fair, Johnny three wives is right. We must protect marriage from gay people. It's not Adam and Steve. It's Adam and Eve and then later Trish and eventually Barbara and probably anyway. But what of the front runner at Romney. Could he maintain his lead through four hours of debating whilst still displaying a breathaking ability to express two diametrically opposed thoughts with absolutely no recognition that he

I haven't seen him. Let me tell you this the end I saw said that you've been forced out of the speakership.

That was correct.

That you'd sat down with Nancy Pelosi and argued for a climate change build.

That was correct.

That is part of an investigation and ethics investigation, that you had to reimburse some three to thousand dollars.

Those things were all true. So dude, let me tell you what is specifically in the ads. I never saw the weird thing is there? Why lie? Why not just defend it? We all know people like that when you just think, like, why would you lie about that? I refuse to look at those stolen cell phone pictures of Scarlet Johanson and what's up without Rainy? They are and you know, I mean, nobody's body's that perfect. I mean,

And I happened to see my dad run for governor when he was fifty four years old. He had good advice to me. He said, Mitt never get involved in politics. If you have to win election to pay a mortgage, What.

A relatable story, Mitt, Remember, only run for office when you're rich. I remember my father taking me aside during my early teenage years. We were playing catch in the yard, and he advised me withhold running for elective office until my net asset succeeded liabilities by a ratio of thirty to one, excluding of course, foreign in debuties.

Dad.

Anyway, Romney being Romney. Even this week attempt at relatability was doomed to collapse when I.

Saw Ted Kennedy running virtually unopposed in nineteen ninety four, a man who I thought, by virtue of the policies of the liberal welfare state, had created a permanent underclass in America.

I said, someone's got.

To run against him. I was happy that he had to take a mortgage out of his house to ultimately defeat me.

You forced Ted Kennedy to mortgage one of his houses. What a weird rich guy thing to brag about. But I ever tell you about the time I bested Richard Branson at that Zeppelin auction. I drove up the bidding on a golden plate individible. I didn't even want Branson underselld part of his archipelago, All of which brings us to our new Daily Show segment, specifically for the gop field, how is mcmomney kicking all of your assets?

Finally, all the combatants were in the arena. One was ready for the brawl. Everyone was rarely waiting to see what Donald Trump would do, because if you remember, Donald Trump skipped the last debates, which is probably why you don't remember the last debates. You see Trump is the main attraction is the t Rex and Jurassic Park, and.

To see him in action, all you need to do.

Is leave out some poor little animal as baits. Oh no, I'm not sure that's the right. If we can get some Oh yeah, that's better.

Yeah, yeah, that'll do. That'll do.

It's funny how you guys were sad of for.

Jeb Bush then a goat that was about to be eaten.

So one of the biggest issues on the debate night between Jeb and Trump was eminent domain, and for many conservatives this is a hot button issue. Should the government be able to take private land when they deem it necessary for the public good.

The Keystone pipeline without eminent domain, it wouldn't go ten feet. Okay, you need eminent domain.

What Donald Trump did was use eminent domain to try to take the property of an elderly woman on the strip in Atlantic City. That is not public purpose. That is downright wrong.

He wanted to be a tough hair, want to be a tough guy.

I didn't take the property, and the.

Next it was you tried, I didn't take. Let me just you know, he wants to be a tough guy. A lot of times you'll have, you'll have, and it doesn't work very well.

How tough is it?

Exact times property from an Let me talk.

Quiet, quiet, quiet, pit squeak, talk to the tan.

That must have been the weirdest buff fights I've ever seen in my life.

The two guys are a tough guy. Oh, you want to be a tough guy. You're looking at my girl. No, no, I'm looking at your pully.

Considered thoughts on eminent domain as it relates to common carrier projects.

That's it. Let's take this outside ecle.

Times property from an let me talk quiet, help us the times A lot of times. That's all of his donors and special interests out there, so you know who has the tickets for the I'm talking about to the television audience, donors, special interest, the people.

That are putting up the money.

So it is the reason they're not loving me, the reason they're not excuse me, the reason they're not loving me is I don't want their money.

This is insane.

I love this.

You understand how crazy Donald Trump is. Jeff Bush was like, fight me, fight me, and Trump was like, no, I need a challenge, and then he proceeded.

To fight the audience, the entire audience.

If that's not presidential, I don't know what any people.

But even though everyone was waiting for Donald Trump, the match that really surprised everybody was the baby faced first quencher Marco Rubio versus the bridge blocking bully Governor Chris Christie.

Because no, no, here's the setup.

Christy tanked in Iowa, making New Hampshire. He's lost chance to make himself the top alternative to Trump or Cruise. But in order to do that he'd have to beat Marco Rubio, who came in third in Iowa. So Chris Christy launched an accusation Rubio is an empty suit with canned lines.

I want the people at home to think about this that's what Washington, DC does in the memorized twenty five second speech. That is exactly what his advisors gave.

Eyed Rubio.

All right, the challenge has been issued, and.

Now you have to prove him wrong.

And let's dispel once and fra Aull with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing. I would add this, let's dispel with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing. He is trying to change this country. Here's the bottom line. This notion that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing is just not there.

It is he knows exactly what the memorize twenty five seconds speech.

That's the body camp.

Rubio, he's on too.

You switch up the place, just say anything.

Else you've memorized twenty five seconds speaks. They campaign is.

So important because I think this notion, I think this is an important point. We have to understand what we're going through here. We are not facing a president that doesn't know what he's doing. He knows what he is doing.

He lost it.

He lost it, first of all, he's saying, Barack Obama knows what he's doing. Let's just take a second to accept that he says like a level.

That's the first thing. And uh. Secondly, Chris Christy called.

Rubio out on the fact that he mindlessly repeats talking points like a stump speech robot, and Rubio's reply.

Was, peep boop bee poop be poop.

I am human peepoop peep boop. He got exposed.

Micael Rubio got hought so hard he had to take Chris Christy to red love stuff like, oh man, look, Senator Rubio is something you need to take a page out of doctor Cousin's book.

Next time there's a.

Debate, take a moment and think about not coming out. But for now, go home, get some fresh clothes, because, let's be honest, you just your pants.

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

Ye