A War of Words at the UN General Assembly

You're listening to Comedy Central. Thaighlands, now deposed Prime Minister, was in New York during the military coup where everybody who was anybody in the field of ruling, everybody was gathered at the un for the opening of the sixty first General Assembly. There's Saudi Arabia and Great Britain. There's Afghanistan's Hamy Karzai and his right hand man Bromstoker's Dracula. So many impressive world leaders. Where do you even begin

From the United States, the Duke of Democratizing the Texas Tongue Twista, two time winner of the Electoral College, President jor W.

Lush. And in this conna he's Nemesis, standing one foot six inches tall. From the Islamic Republic of Iran, the.

Casual caliph, little kid, nuclear associate professor at the University of Crazy Town. It's President Mahmoud to Manajahan. Let's get ready to Rember.

The people of Iraq, nearly twelve million. Have you braved the car bombers and Assassin's last December to vote in free elections? To the people of Afghanistan. Together we overthrew the Taliban regime.

How it sound like Bush walked into a room and found out he was about to get whacked.

Uh.

In Saudi Arabia, our children go to school together.

How did you do it?

Kuwait? Our wives play? Dennis?

Why why are you doing this to me?

To the people of Lebanon, to the people of Syria, to the people of Dafur, the United Arab Emirates, Algeria, the regime in khartoum, Uh.

The people of Guam.

What's up?

I like your shirt?

How many more countries are here? All right, mister President? Enough preminaries to.

The people of Iran.

Oh yeah, here it come, baby, Let's bring it.

The United States respects you. We respect your country. We admire your rich history, your vibrant culture, and your many contributions to civilization.

It would be unfortunate if something perhaps detrimental.

What do happen.

Through a country and such rich history?

The beeche.

Why Bush had the decency?

Wh Bush?

While Bush had the decency to his adversary, specifically, I'm not going to Jodd. He talked in blind items.

Certain powers equate themselves with the international community and consider their decisions superseding that of over one hundred and eighty countries. They consider themselves the masters and rulers of the entire world.

Hunters, I think Iran's talking about you. And while Bush's grievances were limited to Iran's attempt to buy nukes, amount of a job felt. America has a longer rap sheet.

A the unbridled expansion expansion of nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons. B occupation of countries and exacerbation of hostilities see lack of respect for the rights of members of the international community. D.

When we see the United States at a party, we make eye contact. They act like we didn't make eye contact. E. What kind of a country has Colbert Losing to Manilow at the Emmys.

Makes your sense.

They're not savages. They watch the Emmys. Both Bush and a mount of the john kept their comments relatively tame. This year's Hyperbole Award goes to Venezuela's you go Chavez with this chestnut.

Yesterday the devil came here, right here, right here, and it smells of sulfur still today, But.

Where's everybody going?

All I said was the President of the United States is even incarnate and smells like a dead roding creature.

What why doesn't anyone take me seriously?

The United Nations, indeed the world still talking about Venezuelan President. You go, Chavez is marks on President Bush yesterday for the General Assembly.

Yesterday.

The devil came here right here, right here, and it smells of sulfur still today.

Okay, look, I've been to the U n Building. That's just how it smells, especially after Kofe's had the chili. But there's a much bigger issue here. So if I may, Hugo, get me a camera.

Three Oh la.

Dundee sta your biblioteca. It's actually that's the only phrase I know. Look, Hugo, I know you're not a fan of our president. Many of us have some problems with him as well. Lives in a bubble, stubborn. He's a bully, that's no secret. In fact, I believe that's what he campaigns on. My point is this, when you call him the devil, it somewhat brings this credit on those who would oppose the man's policies while not necessarily being back insane. Now, I gotta tell you, sir, if your point is that

Movies out of that partnership?

Well?

What kind of conversations were you guys having in the trailer? Hey, mel the workers must control the means of production. Yeah, I know, Danny Jews all right.

Look, COLI, wush the devil.

It is just stupid and inaccurate. How do I know? Well on the phone with us, now are you there, sir?

Oh? I am indeed, John, Thank you for having me listen to a long time of the first time listen you know last night, as you can imagine, my ears were burning ah.

With the whole star about Chavez talking about you, comparing you to the president.

Oh no, no, not that I live in a fiery bit. My ears they're always burning up. But seriously, listen, My point is this Bush is not me, and hey, Hugo, you're no angel, all right. And if the President hazarded himself a place here, believe me. I got a cubby hole with your name on it to pal. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go down to Georgia. I'm taking part in a fiddle contest there against the young man claim this kid's the best that's ever been.

Well, thank you very much, Devil. Always a pleasure to have you on the program.

Wait wait, wait, wait, can I get a quick plug out.

Here for my foot cakes.

We don't have time for that.

Devil.

Damn you, Stuart, damn you to came.

We'll be right back.

The United Nations is having its annual meeting of the General Assembly, the highlight of which is the General of Debate, when each country's representative gets fifteen minutes to say what's on their mind. Basically, it's like a week long performance of the Vagina monologues. But instead of getting interesting lineups like this, we get a lineup like we had Wednesday with Barack Obama opening for Libyan leader Momar caf who is middling for Mahmudahmdennajah. Obama, who's your agent? I think

On my first day in office, I prohibited, without exception or equivocation, the use of torture. I ordered the President at Guantanamo Bay clothes. We have also re engaged the United Nations. We have paid our bills. We have joined the Human Rights Council. We have signed the Convention of the Rights of Persons with Disabilities.

We have taken our giant magnifying glass away from the polar ice caps. We have made sure our rat army will be bred either for HyperIntelligence or enormous size, but no longer for both. We've called off our robot army. Later that day, Iranian pocket dictator makmudc Mdina John rolled out his list of grievances.

It is not acceptable that the military budget of some governments exceeds far larger those of the entire countries of the world. The interests of certain powers as the only measurement of democracy, certain political interests groups, some governments, certain governments, those who've created the current disastrous situation.

Name names.

I'm terrible at these blind items. Who you referring to, Catherine Heigel?

Who are you referring to?

Christ Amdennaja's like the passive aggressive guy at your office. Apparently some people think they can eat other people's lunches, even though the tupperware was clearly labeled. Certain people can't read Todd his name names dude now. Based on crowd response, fou mda Jad's speech did not go over very well. The chamber was at least half empty. Many delegates either didn't show or walked out on Achmadenajod midway through, although

It should not be called the Security Council. It should be called the Terra Council. So Malis are not pirates. We are the pirates. I don't know how this will be translated, but if we add more water, it will be more muddy. Jack Robie and Israeli killed Lee Harvey. It is meant for all of us.

Big or small, this white book.

When I wake up at eleven o'clock, I'm supposed to be late and at four o'clock I'm awake. Why think about it? That's why in flui is perhaps tomorrow we shall have a fish flu.

For an hour and a half, Mohamarkadavi gave what was either a master class in disturbed psychotic thinking or the highlights of his forty years of Andy Rooney esque commentary on Libya's version of sixty minutes.

I mean, why do they call it tripoli?

There's only one of them.

Shouldn't they call it singly?

Of course he did close strong.

I'm sorry.

No offense, mister Santana's is that the look was similar enough than we thought. There would be some humor in that juxtaposition. Our own Samantha Bey has been covering the United Nations summit. Sam you were down there, Momarkadavi, a state sponsor of terrorism, gave a hero's welcome to the Lockerbie Bomber gets up there for a speech allotted for fifteen minutes.

Yes, I know, and he goes on for five minutes.

It's unacceptable, John, and the UN is on it.

It is not going to.

Allow this.

Right they did allow it.

No, no, no, no.

The Security Council has convened an emergency session to strongly condemn Kaddafi and demand an end to his speech. Well, request suggest they're working through the language, but the.

Speech has ended like a day and a half ago until.

The member nations have agreed to send in UN inspectors to monitor Kadafi and to draft a report as to whether or not the speech has in fact ended.

So you know the UN has sent UN inspectors.

Into the UN, Well they will.

There has been a delay in implementation.

The inspectors work in the building.

They slow down, speedy Gonzalez. There were some protocol issues that needed to be.

Addressed, Sam, isn't this really the problem with the UN? I mean, if they're too feckless to stop people from speaking too at their own podium, how are they going to stop wars or prevent genocide or.

Whoa take it down a notch, shock and awe. Quit it with the UN bashing right now. That is the kind of talk that will get you sanctioned. You will be sanctioned, or at the very least a committee will be formed to address possible effects.

The sanction will have on you.

Thank you, Sam, Yeah, tell it to the UN's observation and sanctioned Assessment, Regulatory Task Committee, Force Squad. They are going to observe the out of use.

All right, Sam, thank you very much.

I can't want to take us to the show.

All right, Sam, By everybody, we'll be right back. The United Nations was founded in nineteen forty five to save future generations from the scourge of war.

I think we all know.

Ever since, everything's been pretty great more or less. We sent Jordan Klepper to the UN's recent General Assembly to report on how they're doing.

Right now.

The world is racked with problems like Syria, climate change, Sudan, Palestine, the Ukraine, and that's just one breath. If only there was an organization whose sole purpose was to solve these kinds of issues.

All right.

The UN with one hundred and seventeen world leaders in town last week for the General Assembly. I had it over to see what the hell they were doing to fix these messes.

I have been attend in your relin Nations meeting for quite a couple of years now, and sometimes I think it becomes, you know, where we just come.

Top top top.

The UN needs to be a lot more effective in the interactions that they're taking to combat say things like Ebola.

We have this organization that was established after World War two in order to guarantee that war will not be the destiny of humanity.

So is it working?

It should be working, But in our case it is not working.

With so many diplomatic minds in the same place, surely they were all working together towards the common good.

As one, I would blame primarily Russia as I would, doesn't matter fact.

Which states specifically are getting in the way.

Being such a good diplomat as I am, I should perhaps not name and shame all the states.

India, India, China, China, is states China, the one that you weren't going to say in.

China, United States is refusing to negotiate in good fear for us.

Pointing fingers gets us nowhere. But who is given the way of progress?

Is that guy?

As you said, pointing fingers will get us nowhere. But again, it is not enough to just point the fingers. When we point the fingers, we should go to that person and tell him that, look, you are the one stalling the progress. Yeah, okay, yes.

But perhaps the biggest obstacle of all is the UN Security Council aka the world's block. It decides who gets sanctions, who gets resolutions, and most often who gets ignored.

It's not been able to do anything in Syria has been equally handicapped or equally divided on you.

It's not majority rules because the five permanent members have a vita of the United States, you have Russia, you have China, you have France, and you have the United Kingdom.

They all have to get together. Three of those were major dicks. Finally, I found a representative of the UN, the spokesperson for the Secretary General himself, to ask him what the point of this whole place was.

We represent the collective willpower of governments, of states and of the people.

So the collective willpower is to pass resolutions.

Well, you know we all need to have good resolutions, right, we all need to keep resolutions.

And I break my resolutions like a week after I make them.

I think you do really well with the UN.

Then, yes, the only bullet in their gun is the hollow pointed suggestion. So your strongest move is to urge.

Stronger move is to encourage. Urge is encouraged.

They're the same thing.

Now, urge is encouraged.

It's more it.

Felt like everyone I spoke with was just talking in circles a little dizzy. What the world needs is a fresh start, without non binding resolutions or infighting or those security council assholes. I had a truly original idea, and I even had a name. What do you think of this.

Word?

Buddies?

World Buddies a place where everyone has everyone's back, with varying membership levels. The best buddy level. You can text me anytime. I'll text you right back immediately, even if I'm out at a restaurant with a friend. Penpoul's a great one. I'll sign your resolution if you signed mine, kind of like scratcher back. Yes you know my butt. Silver Buddy comes with five free air strikes. You sign them today, you get twenty percent.

Of I'm interested, most especially about the one not us to do with digging of wells and water systems around the world.

Drinking buddy, Yes, yes, there's a drinking about yours.

Yes.

I have a vision of a world old where countries come together and listen to one another's problems as long as they're not too complicated. It's called World Buddies. Please don't join, Please don't join, And it's it's an opportunity to get every country together. Doesn't have to be everyone, but most countries together. And if you're interested, you don't have to be. I'd love you to take a look at that, or just hand it back to me.

Well, I will read it, I will I will give it, I will give it to.

Yeah, we'll leave it at that.

This week is the United Nations General Assembly, which is happening in New York. It's the annual gathering that honestly could just be a zoom, but all the big names have shown up. President Biden gave a speech, Brazil's Bolscenaro gave a speech, and Beats gave a speech and filmed a music video from inside UN headquarters. Completely real. Yeah, old people were probably watching.

This like what the hell is a BTS.

And young people were watching it like what the hell is the UN? But it makes sense for BTS to show up at the UN. I mean, out of all the countries there, they probably have the most powerful army. And obviously there's a lot of global issues on the agenda, you know, climate change, Afghanistan, finding out who the father of little nas X's baby is. The rap community needs to know. It's devastating them. But there's also a brand new international dispute that's causing a lot of drama.

France is furious with the US because of a surprise snub on a sixty five billion dollar diesel submarine contract. Originally, France and Australia had shaken hands on the deal, but just last week Australia changed course and went with the US and UK on a new contract for nuclear subs. France was so offended by the faux pas Macron pulled the French ambassadors to the US in Australia.

France's foreign minister is calling the administration's decision unacceptable behavior between allies and partners, and a stabbed in the back of France, which had been trying to sell Australia it's less powerful subs and angry. France also canceled a gala in DC tonight celebrating the anniversary of a naval battle that France helped the colonies win in the Revolutionary War.

Okay, look, look, guys, I mean canceling a party. That's no big deal. But you got to be pretty angry to cancel a gala. So that's a party with like fancy Napkins. But yeah, basically, Australia had promised to buy some submarines from France, right, but then they decided to ditch France and announced that they were instead gonna buy their submarines from the UK and America. And this whole story shocked me because when I first heard about it, I was like, I didn't even know France and Australia

So the language out of Paris right now is the harshest yet. Over the new security deal, Australia is struck with the US and Britain. While on Saturday the Foreign Minister didn't hide his contempt MPUK.

What worries me is the behavior of the Americans said, this is your This unilateral, brutal, unpredictable decision looks a lot like what mister Trump used to do.

Oh boy, no, tell me you didn't you did not just throw out the tea word at Joe Biden because you know what's going to happen next, right, Joe Biden's about to hit you with.

The clap back get him.

Joe, Well, he fell asleep, but when he wakes up, oh boy, you better look out now. Don't forget. The only reason Australia wants these subs in the first place is because China is becoming more and more aggressive in the region. So when China saw this deal, they also weren't happy.

China's accusing the US of stoking a new arms race. Chinese state media warning Australia that it's now an adversary and to prepare.

For the worst.

Be a sensationalist. Chinese state media newspaper, the Global Times that had a front page article, and in that article it said that Australia was really marking itself out as an adversary of China and by making this move, it also made itself vulnerable as a potential nuclear target in the event of open conflict.

God damn China. I wonder Australia's nervous. You guys just jumped straight to nuclear war. Isn't there a gala or something you can cancel first? You know, honestly, I think this whole situation could have been avoided. You know, these are submarines, right, They're supposed to be secrets. Oh knows, what's happening? Like, why are you even telling people about them in the first place. If I was Australia, I

Welcome to the United Nations everyone, We're here to discuss climate change, the most important issue facing the planets.

At feudn't fouldon' I would let us to discuss and even more important issues Beclaire, Ah.

The submarine thing again, French paper are sou dramatic.

Why don't you cry about it in black and white?

My?

Oh, I'm sorry, Monami. Do you think this is a joke?

Let me tell you saucing when you are dealing with your allies and you are looking.

To quit.

And I ain't black in the let words.

Now have you put me in?

You put me back right now.

This is not for me.

It wasn't personal France. America just has better submarines. We had to DIGII do what was bit for our country. And if you're mad about it, we DIGERI don't give us.

You know, I don't know what makes me angrier. You are the Americans.

You cheated them us with.

Hey buddy, if someone asks me to dance, I ain't gonna ask.

Who they came with. I'm gonna put on my boots and we gonna start stepping.

Yeah, come on, France, how can we trust your weapons in the first place.

You can't even win a war by yourself.

So you go to America.

Ah, they just lost their war to people who don't even have Wi Fi.

Hey, buddy, we didn't.

Lose a war.

Okay, we made a strategic decision not to win.

This isn't about submarines.

It's about layer key.

Huh.

How is it to be loyal?

I am loyal to earn four of my mistresses.

Okay, look, cheer up fronts. I'm sure, someone else will buy your submarines.

That's just correct, Nigeria, we will buy some submarines.

Ah, when is that case?

Hey, we'll sell you submarines.

Now, we will buy from America, Sonovivich.

We will transpend their money to you. We just need your bunking account number America.

Are your pin number two? Huh sounds good to me.

Look, Mike, we gotta keep our eyes on the prize here. The real reason we need those submarines is because we're all scared of China.

Wait, hold on.

Why are you guys so scared? You don't need submarines in the Pacific.

There's nothing going on there. Australian spiders are the size of horses.

You should be scared of that.

No, you've got.

Something going on China. Every time I refresh my goddamn Google map, there's another ten islands popping up.

Oh look, who knows geography? Now why or admit to China. You're trying to conquer the Pacific. I mean, you can't just take over territory that isn't yours.

Oh, now, you can't do that.

I'll see you at the next cricket match.

Guys, guys, relax, you're so tense.

Light enough.

Check out TikTok.

Everyone is dancing and there's funny animals.

You like that.

Stop trying to distract us, China. We're not going to fall for it.

No, we are not, not today, China, we are.

Oh guy.

Check this out.

This dog sings like still Indian ha. Oh my god, that's out money.

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