A Daily Show Christmas

You're listening to Comedy Central. Cow she was a single mom hoping for a Christmas miracle? Hi, do you have time for charity? That he was a regular Joe trying to do the right thing, and this Christmas they're going to find love in the most magical place.

How dare you teach my child about critical race theory? You are ruining America?

Now, please calmed out.

Don't tell me to calm down, you woke elitist. And why don't you take that mask off? Take it off and face me like a man.

And keep it off. Looks like Santa came early this year.

Now this holiday they'll both be learning CRT Christmas romance theory.

You know, oat milk is more sustainable than almond milk. Shut your cup mouth and kiss me.

But can two people who don't agree on history ever have a future?

Does your sweater say happy Holidays?

Yeah, it's more inclusive.

Never understood me or Christmas?

Oh man, we're never going to end up together. Now this season, one man will have to put Christmas over reason.

Since our last school board meeting, which was only this.

Morning, you believe that so much has happened.

I've learned that one thing is more important than teaching children about their.

Own country's history. That one thing is love.

So tonight the school board is now seeing that we are putting love back into.

The curriculum and it will replaced all the lessons about slavery.

Oh no, no, we're over ruling that. No, he doesn't have them having to do that.

Why does he have a babble?

This is a school board meeting. Don't miss the movie event of the season. I got you this to burn.

Merry Christmas.

Fascists a school board Christmas. He was a poll worker doing his part in a local election.

No matter who you voted for, a democracy went shut up.

She was a self appointed election monitor.

He's harnessing ballot that's voter fraud.

Salon mule, two thousand mules, two thousand mules.

Hi Hi got what?

Hi got?

One?

But when a mandatory recount brought them together.

You can't take these votes, I kind of I can't. These are made of Chinese bamboo. You can't stool.

But here underneath this randomly hungh missile time. Now this holiday, they'll both be learning how to steal each other is hard, But how can two people share a life together when they can't share a democracy.

Christmas Town has a new mayor. It came down to one final ballot. In the final vote is for the Democrat. You rigged the election and ruined Christmas, Honey. Just because the Republican loss doesn't mean it was rigged.

The only loss here is you losing me.

Oh ma.

This is really a low part in our story. When elections hopes are lost, sometimes all you need is a Christmas miracle.

Get ready, boys, we're going in.

Excuse me, you got room for one more patriot with this insurrection.

You brought Zip times befo.

We're going to do this. We're going to do it together this holiday season. Make sure you cast a vote for love. Welcome back to the Daily Show.

It's almost time for Santa's trip around the world. And if you've ever wondered how he makes all those toys, well the answer is a bit disturbing.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah, yeah, may Merry Christmas.

Wait, why are you so skinny?

Oh? Oh?

Zmpic, Santa's got a revenge body?

Wait, hey, what happened all the toys?

Yeah? Listen, Santa, we have to talk.

There are no toys. We don't have any money left for toys money.

No, no, no, we make the toys.

Get a whole little trains and dolls we build from wood and dreams and lead based paint.

This is in the eighteen twenties anymore, old man. Okay, kids want iPads and game consoles and roadblocks whatever that is, and we need to buy that shit. Okay, you can. I can hammer out ps five of this.

Dude, what do you what do you say?

I'm saying this workshop is a whole hopes. We've been borrowing money for seventy years to buy real toys that kids want, and now the bank is demanding repayment.

Well, how much do we owe?

Oh Jesus, holy shit, I'll have to sell my body.

Okay, we don't have to go right to that.

Okay, Okay, what if I kill myself for the insurance money?

No?

Maybe, if you're gonna do that, you might as well sell your body and then kill yourself. That way you can get toys in money.

Jingle jingle, Nicholas, it's the bank.

Shit, it's the bank rep That's how we have more time.

But if the bank know where we live, all the male just so north hold.

Chris Santa, just stopping by to see where our money is.

Well, it's coming.

Okay, it's coming.

We just need a little more time.

Oh do you do you need a little more time?

Okay, this is my fault. We just don't have the money.

Oh okay, no problem.

That's what collateral's for.

Repo the sleigh, turn this place into a cinebum and sell the elves to Apple.

Listen, listen, missus bank. Please think of the children. You're gonna break their little hearts.

Hey, what do we do with the.

Shoot them sell them meat?

Don't do that? Come on, what about the Christmas spirit?

Wait?

What's this?

It's a list of which gift each good boy and girl is going to get this Christmas?

Do you realize the insider trading we could do with this thing?

Is that like super illegal?

Like they would ever arrest a finance executive? How about this?

You give me this list and I give you more time to get our money.

Okay. Deal?

And so Santa and as Mary Elf chopped up the body of their banking executive and fed it to the raindeer, and Christmas was saved until next year.

But that's next Year's probably married Christmas to one.

In all, it's officially the holiday season, a time for family to governess and cocktails with eggs for some reason. But you better enjoy it while it lasts. Ronnie Chang tells us why in another installment of everything is Stupid.

Oh it's Christmas again. It's just another excuse for you people send me stupid pictures of your family. Oh great, another baby dressed as an elf.

Wow.

Thanks for the reminder to get a vasectomy. But now, thanks to all these stupid world leaders not giving a shit about climate change, everything you love about Christmas is going to disappear, starting with Christmas trees.

This year, your Christmas tree could wind up costing you more than you've spent in the past. At this farm outside Los Angeles, the average tree costs around one hundred bucks. Nationwide, a fresh cut Christmas tree now averages seventy six dollars, double what it cost in two thousand and eight. Blame it on climate change. Rising temperatures, wildfires, and drought have all made farming more challenging.

Yeah, that's right, climate change is taking away Christmas trees. By twenty fifty, they're gonna be so expensive that the tree will be the present. Okay, how are you gonna trick kids into behaving that way. Listen, you better be good all year or you're not gonna get a Douglas fur for Christmas. Why do people want Christmas trees in their house anyway? All they do is shed pine needles all over the floor. If that's what you're into, just call me. I'll stab you in the foot for free right.

In our Eye on Earth series will take you to Santa's hometown in the North Pole, where climate change is threatening the reindeer population.

The reindeer feed even through the winter on lichen, a mossy plant. They dig down through the snow to get at, except when all that thiwing and refreezing means they can't. And when the snow turns to ice, what happens to the rain.

Day we have to feed them.

You know things are bad when your entire species depends on a guy in weird Haday. I mean, what if you oversleep us one day? He'll be like, oh, sheet, my alarm didn't go off. Now I need to dig a mass reindeer grip. And this is a big problem, Okay, because without reindeer, how is Santa gonna get around. He's gonna have to hitchhike around the world, trading rides for hand jobs. Okay, but guess what. The climate crisis is coming for New Year's drinks too.

Another popular consumer item that's expected to get a lot more expensive prosecco.

Climate change is doing a number on the grapes that make the sparkling wine.

Awlo Thomas Sellis says extreme weather is posing new challenges at his vineyard.

Climate change is a big problem when it's such a very hot when it's raining a thrain very much.

Prosecco, he explained, should have low alcohol and high acidity, but high temperatures in earlier ripening produce the opposite effect.

That's right.

Thanks to climate change, prosecco is going to cost more and taste worse. Although, to be fair, if you care about taste, you wouldn't be drinking prosecco. Okay, you peasants. Prosecco is the champagne that dropped out of high school. Okay, you know what My holiday drinker choice is good old fashioned rubbing alcohol. That's right. Show it'll make you go blind, but that's when the party really starts, so Happy New Year everyone. Spoiler the twenty twenty is gonna be worse.

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