50 Shades of Graham: The Lindsey Graham Files

You're listening to Comedy Central.

Now.

Some people marry for love, some people marry for stability, and some people never marry at all.

Well, I'm the first bachelor to run for president and like forever you know, I'm not married. The last time I checked, there was nothing in the Constitution or at the White House said single people need not apply.

Yes, how could a person marry when he's hopelessly devoted to the greatest love of his life? Political power. This is the Daily showography of Lindsay Graham, married to the Game. Lindsay Olin Graham grew up in the tiny town of central South Carolina. His parents owned a restaurant that was also a pool hall that was also a bar, and a liquor store that was also the home they lived in. It could basically be whatever people wanted it to be,

When I was a kid, African Americans would come in and buy the beer to go, and I remember asking my parents, swan was it and they said, that's just the way it is.

That was another lesson. When you see injustice anywhere, at any time, you can just say whatever and move along. Then in his teenage years, like most boys his age, Lindsey developed strange new urges in uncontrollable lust for political power. Chrissmeates remember him saying, I want to be governor and also let me out of this logger. After becoming the first in his family to graduate college, Graham joined the Armed Forces, where he would serve six and a half

That was probably the best time in my life. But you know, at the end of the day, everybody's got a story. A lot of people have had it worse than I have. But check it out at Lindsay Graham dot com.

It's true what they say about heartbreak. You can check it out at Lindsay Graham dot com. And although breakups are never easy, it gave Graham the opportunity to rekindle his passion with an old flame ambition. In nineteen ninety four, Graham was elected to the US House of Representatives, and like most relationships, his early years with Congress were absolutely consumed with sex, specifically the sex life of Bill Clinton.

I'm having to judge Bill Clinton based on evidence, and much of it is about sex. The definition of sex colored by sex, sex, sex, sexual relations, sex, sex, sex, sexual sex, sex sex. This is not all about sex oral sex.

Lindsay Graham was horny for justice. No adulterous president was going to lie and abuse their power on his watch, at least for another few years. The fledgling Graham made a name for himself prosecuting the impeachment of President Clinton, and after eight hot and heavy years in the House. He was finally ready to settle down for a long term commitment with the US Senate, and no wedding would

I believe those who are calling for witholdraw had the obligation to tell us what we do in the region when it descends into chaos. As my friend Lindsay Graham just said.

Well, I think Senator McCain nailed it all.

They went searching for WMDs, but they found their bff. With Iraq solved permanently. Graham and his political spouse were finally ready to co aescend to the most powerful office in the land, but when they were foiled by an even more radical Hussain, Graham became despondent. He knew that he would treat power so much better than that cad Obama, so he made his move.

I'm Lindsay Graham, and I'm running for President of the United States.

Yes, Lindsay Graham was single and ready to mingle with voters. He turned the White House into his bachelor pad.

First thing, I'm gonna go this president, We're gonna drink more.

And the media was fascinated with his roguish lifestyle. So it's date Mary or make disappear forever, Hillary Clinton, Carly Fiorina or Sarah Perrin.

Who are you marrying Carly? Because he's rich?

Hell yeah, Leah, secure that bag. Graham's goal was in sight. His marriage to the game was thriving. But if there's one man who knows how to ruin a marriage, it's Donald Trump.

This guy, Lindsey Grahm, you have a guy. He's one of the dumbest human beings I've ever seen. The guy is a nutjob. I could push him over with a little thimble boom. He called me four years ago, three four years ago, and he gave me his number, and I found the card.

I wrote the number down.

I don't know if it's the right number. Let's try it. Two O two two two eight O two nine two.

That's right.

Trump.

He hated Graham so much he did something he never does, give out factual information. Graham's president hopes were demolished watching his beloved walk away with a much richer and more famous man. He had only one option left to warn the nation about the dysfunctional relationship it was about to get itself into.

He's a race baby, xenophobic, religious big Donald Trump is a political car.

Rep He's a jackass.

You know how you make America great again? Tell Donald Trump to go to Hill. I think he's a kook. I think he's crazy. I think he's unfit for office.

Yes, Graham saw that Donald Trump was as unfit for office as he was for a book club, a dance off, an obstacle course, tennis shortz, or literally anything he did in his life. Graham did everything he could to stop the wedding between Donald Trump and America. But if he couldn't ultimately succeed the goddamn it, he would give up harder than anyone had ever given up before.

President Trump deserves the Nobel Peace Prize and then some. What concerns me about the American press is this endless, endlessen attempt to label the guy as some kind of kook not fit to be president.

No.

I don't think he's a xenophobic, race beating.

Religious biggest.

I really really like the President and he's been a great commander in Chief. I am all in.

Keep it up.

Donald, I'm sure you're watching. If you don't like me working with President Trump to make the world a better place, I don't give a shit.

Graham's political instincts had kicked in. If staying in the game at joining a grifter personality call, well, that was just another thing he'd have in common with Tom Cruise. Why did Lindsey Graham align himself so tightly with Donald Trump? Because he's Lindsay Graham. That's what he does.

I know how the game's played, and I don't give a dam.

Yes, Graham wasn't off the Trump train. It was more like one of those tourist buses that you can get off and then get back on whenever it's convenient for you, which is why. The one thing we know is that whenever the future holds, Lindsey Graham will be there, always doing the most politically expedient thing to serve himself. He's married to the game.

Life is what it is, you know. I can't answer all the mysteries of life, but I feel good about Lindsey Graham.

My guest tonight's is the Senator, a senior Senator from South Carolina. Please welcome, Senator Lindsey Graham. Oh oh, Senator Lindsay Graham, thank you for being here.

Good as it gets. Wait, which is kind of sad.

Really wait, what's as good as it gainst you or the show? What are you saying?

What's what the song?

Is that just a phrase you say?

No, this is just something that's an observation more than anything else.

How you doing, I'm doing great. Thank you very much for being on the show.

Thanks.

Let's let's get straight into it. Let's cut to the chase.

Let's cut to the Yes, you have officially endorsed Ted Cruz.

I'm on the Ted train. Absolutely, It's not gonna like.

Okay, which is a very interesting train for you to be aboard.

Well, I started with seventeen cars, I'm down to three.

Well you actually you actually one of the cars, which is last day you you were an empty car and then you got on the train.

It's to happen got away by this.

This is why this is so interesting to have you here, because if we can play this.

If you killed Ted Cruise on the floor of the Senate and the trial was in the Senate, nobody could convict you.

It's safe.

It's safe to say that you are slash word slash are not a fan of Ted Cruz.

It tells you everything you need to know about Donald Trump.

But I don't undert I don't understand this. You you really really like you don't like Ted Cruz.

I don't dislike Ted. Ted and I have a lot of differences. I'm getting better at this, so, uh.

You know what?

I know?

You guys are like a buddy choice.

What can I say?

What?

He's not completely crazy?

Good?

Uh, he's crazy partially crazy.

Hey, that works in Washington.

You got Bernie Uh, okay, okay crazy.

Yeah, that's a take.

What else is a take for him?

What terms you on about Cruise?

Uh?

That he's not Trump, that's all, And that he's a Republican who will not we will not get completely killed.

And if Donald Trump cares the better of my party, I think it taints conservatism for generations to come. I think his campaign is opportunistic, race based, religious figutory xenophobia. Other than that, he'd be a good nominee.

Here's a question I have for you, though, here's a quesson I have so and we're about to lose.

He's the finest woman in America.

Here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

If you say, if you say Donald Trump is not a Republican, why does it seem like the Republican base fits him like a glove.

What's going on? Do the voters not know that this or have you maybe given them the impression that maybe this is a party that supports is in the forty five signy and all of those things you listen to. Is that possible, It's possible.

That sound good. Absolutely, thirty five percent of my party believes that Obama's a Muslim born in Kenya. He's locked that crowd down. Now, sixty five percent of let's just think he's a bad president.

Oh, there was a joke there, But then you guys were.

Not on his side at all.

You guys were not I get I don't get paid you should. You should have done it the other way around, because it maybe I hear what you're saying, So you're not on that tray. So you're saying so you're saying no, no, but you're saying I understand that. You're saying that there are some people in the party who do not have correct views. Am I a citizen?

Yeah?

No, I'm not.

I'm not Why have a green card.

I do not you, I'd be in a hurry.

Is that you worried about? What?

Why would you say that.

Trump wins days?

Their numbers?

Now you know what I love young?

You have black liberal guys from Africa is not gonna work with him.

You have you have the look of terror in your eyes. If you were sitting close up.

This is fascinating because you're literally like, we're all going to die.

We're all gonna die, We're all gonna die.

You're like, you know what you look like right now?

Have you ever seen those movies where there's.

Like one guy then you just got like a shotgun and he's.

Running down the street.

He's like, the end's there. It's funny you say okay, you say then that you say Ted Cruise, You say Ted Cruise over Donald Trump.

But then here's here's another clip.

And this is interesting to me.

Perverb John Case, here's no chance win.

Let's play this clip.

Skins like being shot or poison What does it really matter?

Lindsey Graham.

I don't understand.

I don't understand if it is like being okay. First of all, who is shooting and who's poisoning?

Between Trump and.

Who's well, Donald is like being shot in the head. Okay, you might find an anadote to poisoning. I don't know, but maybe there's time.

But is I don't understand.

Are you saying wait? Are you saying my.

Part is completely screwed up?

But then why would you why would you eliminate?

Why would you anyone?

Then?

I don't understand that. Then why why nominate anyone? Why not? Why not? Why don't go behind King?

We wouldn't nominate anybody, would start all over again. But you know this is a it's called democracy. Welcome to America. I feel I'm gonna change my body. Vote face Graham, that that helps?

Did you call yourself?

Vote mac, vote based, Lindsey Grahmat everybody, thank you so much.

It has been four days since the presidential election was called for Joe Biden, but Donald Trump has still not conceded, which I get. I mean, he wants to cling onto power as long as he can. And also, golfing isn't as much fun when you're not missing work to do it. And if it was just Trump's personal delusion that he won the election, it might not matter so much. But he's got a lot of people who are right there with him.

Falling in line. Key Republicans get behind President Trump and his claims. Without evidence of widespread voter fraud.

The president has every right to look into allegations and to request recounts under the law.

I'm going to stand with the President Trump.

If a Democrat were doing this, it'd be cheered on.

And we're not going to let the media intimidate.

US Secretary of State Mike POMPEII just told reporters that he basically does not trust the election results either.

There will be a smooth transition to a second Trump administration.

Overnight, Attorney General William Barr in a Justice Department memo authorizing US attorneys to pursue substantial allegations of voting irregularities if they find them.

All Megafans rejoice because Bill Barr is on the case. Yes, the same Bill Barr who investigated Obama and found nothing, with the same Department of Justice that investigated Hillary and found nothing.

So if you looking to find nothing, you know the man to call. Oh and it looks like Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham are also partnering with Trump to undermine the election, which is a terrible idea, but I would love to see these three together in a heist movie. Okay, guys, you steal the votes and then I'll meet you at the Four Seasons Parking elect which four Seasons mar here we go again. Now, look, I don't know if Donald Trump genuinely believes that he's the real winner of this election.

Lindsey Graham this morning fessed up as to one reason why they're standing behind him. They've got two Senate elections and special elections that will occur in January. If Democrats win both, they will gain control of the Senate under the new president. Lindsey Graham said, if we don't scrutinize these election results. We could hurt our chances of riling up our base and turning them out in January.

They're concerned that if they get sideways with the President, either he won't help in Georgia with these two seats at stake, or Trump voters will be depressed and stay home. So again, they're playing this dangerous giin and keep people energized.

Oh yeah, that's dangerous. Trump is screaming made up shit, that's weakening trust in American democracy. But Republicans are going along with it so that they can squeeze out a few more seats in the Senate. It's like burning down your house just to make s'mores, or dating seven Federline just so you can maybe meet Britney Spears. Is it worth it?

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmouth Plucks. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

Yew