A Covert narcissist takes over your life. I have heard so many victims so I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I just want to be me again. I feel like I lost myself. One of the problems of living with a covert narcissist is that your mind is constantly wrapped up in the past and the future. The present is NOT safe. Out of the need for survival, we stay in the past and future. One of the pitfalls of covert narcissists is that they are completely wrapped up in their own mind. They are living ent...
Nov 02, 2023•18 min•Ep. 180
God told me! Scripture tells me. you're supposed to love me! You're supposed to forgive me! I'm the most Christian person you know. You're just letting the devil in your heart. I've got God in my heart! It's not my fault that you don't. If you would just get things right with God, then you would love me again. You know, you really need to pray about it! The spiritual narcissist or religious narcissist is a very dangerous individual. The damage they do runs deep! Before I dive into this episode, ...
Oct 29, 2023•17 min•Ep. 179
How do I fix this? I used to ask that for years. Every day of my life I can fix anything. If I can just help him to see… If I can just find the right words… How does this get better? I get asked this by so many people. Victims who are in the exact place that I used to be. Women and men who are desperate for things to get better. And these are people who are willing to do whatever it takes. People who are dedicated with every fiber of their being. Let me tell you something - Your life gets better...
Oct 26, 2023•21 min•Ep. 56
“You're not good enough!” may be the exact words that you hear from an outwardly arrogant overt narcissist. But the covert narcissist won’t say this directly. They in fact will say to you, “you are too good for me,” while they make you feel worthless. “You’re too good to me,” followed with days of ignoring you. Lost in video games and their phone, paying no attention when we talk to them, ignoring and not answering. You certainly don’t feel too good. In fact, you feel not good enough. “You don’t...
Oct 22, 2023•19 min•Ep. 177
Covert narcissists seem to have absolutely no emotional intelligence, inside themselves or with the world around them. The general consensus is that they have no understanding of basic human emotion, especially other people’s emotions. But even their own. They continuously stomp all over your feelings and don’t show an ounce of care about it. They can talk harshly and callously one minute and be confused as to why you don’t want to hold their hand or go to bed with them the very next minute. Eve...
Oct 19, 2023•22 min•Ep. 176
Why did I put up with this for so long?? How is that possible? I never even saw it! Are you kidding me? In the words of Debbie Mirza in her book Worthy of Love, “You were chosen to play a role you didn’t even know you auditioned for." What role have you been playing? Maybe multiple roles. Where did you learn to play them? As kids growing up, we learned a way of interacting with our world. For me, I learned to put everyone else before me, that their feelings mattered and mine did not. And I truly...
Oct 15, 2023•17 min•Ep. 175
There are some things that people should just never say to a victim of narcissistic abuse, and specifically covert narcissistic abuse. As a victim myself, I know that It is so hard sometimes to find people who understand and actually know how to provide the unique support that this victim needs. They need to feel heard and validated in a way that most people don’t seem to understand. In this episode, I discuss two things that people should never say to these victims, two things that you don’t wa...
Oct 12, 2023•24 min•Ep. 174
At least they didn’t hit you! At least it wasn’t physical abuse! Have you ever heard those words? You are trying to explain to someone what you have been through. You are trying to explain the situation, the feelings, the thoughts. Covert emotional and psychological abuse is incredibly difficult to explain. Even as the words come out of your mouth, you recognize that you sound petty and trivial. Almost embarrassed at your own words. And they respond, well at least they didn't hit you. At least y...
Oct 08, 2023•16 min•Ep. 173
I was privileged to be interviewed by Ross Rosenberg, an internationally known expert in the field of narcissism. It was quite an honor to meet with him and share my story with him and his audience. This two-part series is that interview shared here with you. Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, is Self-Love Recovery Institute’s CEO and primary contributor. His internationally recognized expertise includes pathological narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and attachment trauma. His advanced education, a...
Oct 05, 2023•28 min•Ep. 172
Imagine getting all fancied up for a first date. Super excited to be going out with this person. You’ve been waiting for a while for this evening, and now it is here. You change clothes 4 times. Nothing seems to be good enough. You fix your hair just right. You check yourself in the mirror 20 times. Nothing in my teeth, good. How’s my smile? Hair? Make-up? Jewelry? You’ve been prepping for over 2 hours. Ok, time to go. You meet them at the restaurant. They look amazing. They took the time to get...
Oct 01, 2023•20 min•Ep. 171
I was privileged to be interviewed by Ross Rosenberg, an internationally known expert in the field of narcissism. It was quite an honor to meet with him and share my story with him and his audience. This two-part series is that interview shared here with you. Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, is Self-Love Recovery Institute’s CEO and primary contributor. His internationally recognized expertise includes pathological narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and attachment trauma. His advanced education, a...
Sep 28, 2023•35 min•Ep. 170
“If I validate my kid's feelings about their dad, then I'm bad mouthing him. If I tell my kids he's not that bad, and he really does love them, then I'm gaslighting them. My kids have picked up on the fact that he is a difficult person to deal with, and often show up at my house and tell me the latest thing he did. When I encourage them to talk to their dad about how they feel, they say they can't because he'll yell at them. Which is totally true. If I tell him how the kids feel, I'm betraying t...
Sep 24, 2023•23 min•Ep. 169
Guilt is such a unique thing. It can be wonderful and horrible all at the same time. Many of us are raised to feel guilty when we do something that we should not or when we hurt someone’s feelings. We are taught that we should feel bad and make it right. This is not a bad thing. Guilt motivates us to apologize. It motivates us to do right and to fix things. Without guilt, we might not make amends. We might not make it right. Guilt leaves this uncomfortable feeling inside of us and pushes us to r...
Sep 21, 2023•17 min•Ep. 168
How do you feel in this relationship with a covert narcissist? Describe it. What are your feelings? Confused. Hurt. Angry. Overwhelmed. Like everything is my fault. Perplexed. Afraid. Ungrateful. Confused. Like I can’t do anything right. Guilty. Exhausted. Spent. Depressed. Stressed. Anxious. Sad. Did I say - Confused. How are your kids doing? They are going through the same feelings that you are. Confused. Hurt. Angry. Overwhelmed. Like everything is their fault. Perplexed. Afraid. Ungrateful. ...
Sep 17, 2023•22 min•Ep. 167
Many people are struggling to understand what a covert narcissist actually is. I recently heard a podcast that was trying to figure out what a covert narcissist really is. They clearly, like so many, did not understand. I was surprised when they said, "Aren’t all narcissists covert because they all do things in secret?" They were talking about secret affairs, abuse behind closed doors, secret communication, private financial endeavors, and so on. They were questioning if all narcissists were cov...
Sep 14, 2023•18 min•Ep. 166
When a person feels threatened, physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, there will be a response inside them. This will happen. No matter what age. Even a young baby recognizes danger and their system responds. As a baby that response is very reactive. Crying, screaming, and even being inconsolable. They need outside sources of calm to help them regulate. We hold them, soothe them, feed them and such. As a child grows, they build ways of dealing with perceived threats. These ways can...
Sep 10, 2023•20 min•Ep. 165
My covert narcissistic husband loved the word "brinkmanship." He bragged about how no one knows what that word means and how great he is at it. This should have set alarm bells off in my head!! But it didn’t. Sure, I thought it was strange. This seemed like an odd word and an odd concept. Brinkmanship is the art or practice of pushing a dangerous situation or confrontation to the limit of safety, especially to force a desired outcome, the technique or practice of maneuvering a dangerous situatio...
Sep 08, 2023•15 min•Ep. 164
You find yourself married to a covert narcissist. Researching like crazy. You are stunned at the treatment you have allowed and the behavior you have accepted. It’s not okay, and it is absolutely time to put up some boundaries to protect you, so you can heal and find you again. But what about your kids? You have kids with this person! This can be a horrifying and alarming realization. Of course, you knew that you had kids with them, but now you realize that you had kids with a covert narcissist....
Sep 03, 2023•19 min•Ep. 163
Today's episode is an interview with divorce coach Eleanor Marks. After living her own life with a covert narcissist and going through a divorce with two children, she now shares her own expertise with others to help on that journey. Whether you divorce or not, taking the scariness out of this option helps us to relax and make healthier decisions for ourselves and our children. If the thought of divorce has even entered your mind, her words of comfort and suggestions will prove to be incredibly ...
Aug 31, 2023•22 min•Ep. 162
He was my knight in shining armor. The perfect match. My soul mate. I even said that I feel like he is the male version of me and that I am the female version of him. How in the world did I end up so swept off of my feet like this? So wrapped up in him? What happened? What exactly is love bombing? What effect does it have? How do I break the spell? I recently had a group member say that she wasn’t love bombed and that she doesn’t really understand what that is. She said that she wasn’t smothered...
Aug 27, 2023•21 min•Ep. 161
It is such an honor to have Debbie Mirza on my podcast. She has been a huge part of my own healing journey, and I want to make her part of yours too. She has so much to offer to victims of covert narcissistic abuse. Debbie is the author of the International Best-selling Book titled, The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist. She has also written Worthy of Love and The Safest Place Possible. She is a Restorative Coach, working with people who have experienced CN. Working with men and women on this...
Aug 24, 2023•17 min•Ep. 160
Why can’t I just leave? What’s wrong with me? I need to get out, but I just can’t. The Cleveland Clinic defines trauma bonding as when a person who is or has been abused feels a connection to their abuser. It’s a situation where we form a strong attachment to someone who is causing us harm. It often fuels a cycle of abuse and affection that can be difficult to break. According to Psychology Today, Trauma-bonding is a hormonal attachment created by repeated abuse, sprinkled with being “saved” eve...
Aug 20, 2023•18 min•Ep. 159
It is such an honor to have Debbie Mirza on my podcast. She has been a huge part of my own healing journey, and I want to make her part of yours too. She has so much to offer to victims of covert narcissistic abuse. Debbie is the author of the International Best-selling Book titled, The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist. She has also written Worthy of Love and The Safest Place Possible. She is a Restorative Coach, working with people who have experienced CN. Working with men and women on this...
Aug 17, 2023•18 min•Ep. 158
Do you find yourself fighting for this relationship, knowing that it is unhealthy, toxic, manipulative, maybe you even know that it is abusive? But you desperately cling to it out of a sense of fear, obligation or even guilt? The thought of leaving it causes intense anxiety and panic in you. The inability to breathe, to think, to function. This panic is only calmed by the thought of connecting with your seemingly abusive partner. Why is this? What is wrong with me? My feelings feel so irrational...
Aug 13, 2023•18 min•Ep. 157
It is such an honor to have Debbie Mirza on my podcast. She has been a huge part of my own healing journey, and I want to make her part of yours too. She has so much to offer to victims of covert narcissistic abuse. Debbie is the author of the International Best-selling Book titled, The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist. She has also written Worthy of Love and The Safest Place Possible. She is a Restorative Coach, working with people who have experienced CN. Working with men and women on this...
Aug 10, 2023•24 min•Ep. 55
Vulnerable narcissists? What? Is that really a thing? Can a narcissist be vulnerable? I’ve never seen one that can. I’ve said for a long time that the inability to be vulnerable is one of the determining signs of someone being narcissistic. Their guard is thick, and they just cannot ever be vulnerable. So why would we call them vulnerable narcissists? What do we mean by that? Vulnerable narcissism is another name for covert narcissism. These two terms are used interchangeably. Vulnerable narciss...
Aug 06, 2023•20 min•Ep. 155
Someone who has experienced covert narcissistic abuse is like a grenade inside a tank. On the inside, you are wound up so incredibly tight, over-thinking everything, over-analyzing everything. Just waiting to explode. On the outside, you are a fortress of steel. You have a wall of protection around you, afraid to say anything, to do anything, trusting no one, letting no one in. A grenade inside a tank. I’m Renee Swanson, your host and creator of the Covert Narcissism Podcast. Today I am talking ...
Aug 04, 2023•15 min•Ep. 154
So, I want to paint a picture here. Imagine with me. For many of you, this will be incredibly easy to imagine, because you have lived it. You grow up believing in the goodness of others. You believe that others desire peace in life and that they care about those around them. You believe that everyone has a conscience and will feel bad when they hurt someone, especially those that they love. That they will work to reconcile. That they’ll put the effort in to make things right, apologizing for the...
Jul 30, 2023•19 min•Ep. 153
Covert narcissists are experts at hooking a victim back in over and over and over. They know how to play on your sympathy. They know how to make you feel guilty and responsible for their well-being. They know how to make you feel needed and thus you stay to help them. So many victims of covert narcissists spend years and decades of wanting to leave the relationship only to be hooked back in again and again. Start learning what these hooks look like, how to recognize them for what they are, and h...
Jul 29, 2023•25 min•Ep. 152
To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast Ten days! Ten days was the amount of time between me telling him I was filing for divorce and actually filing. The papers were all ready when I told him. I told him on Saturday and planned to file on that Monday. Had the appointment all set up. But he asked if I could give him a week. Why? He wanted time to think about it. I said, “It won’t make any difference. Nothing is going to ...
Jul 23, 2023•21 min•Ep. 54
