Episode 78 with Kristen Manieri - Presence, mindfulness & practice

First of all, for taking the time to be here, I love the fact that we are in different parts of the world, and we are able to connect in this way and to be able to, to share, uh, these wonderful conversations. First of all for everyone listening, who is Kristen . Kristen Manieri: Oh my goodness. That could, that could become a really, really deep question.

But like, I think in terms of the, the person that I'm moving around the world as, um, I have been writing about and coaching about and really reflecting on. Conscious living for the last 20 years, but really more in intensely or intentionally over the last five or six years. And just asking myself on an ongoing basis, excuse me, on an ongoing basis, what it means to live a conscious and connected and intentional life. And so. While I'm certified as a mindfulness teacher.

I am always so iffy on using that phrase because I think it's a word that gets used over and over mindfulness, mindfulness, mindfulness, and what I, what I really mean by that is conscious and intentional, like being aware and awake in my life as much as possible. And so that's what I do. I write about that. I, I. Coach on that. I teach courses on that and it kind of, it weaves its way into almost every aspect of, of my life. So, so that's, that's who Kristen is. I guess, for now and wonderful.

And, and I do want together to a few of the things that you just mentioned, but you just mentioned that for quite a while in your life, you've been, um, taking part on this and exploring this. What led you to that?

But. I think most of the time it's gonna work out one way or the other. But that moment in my life feels really pivotal that up until that point, when I met Richard and his wife, Sue, that I really was just living by whatever happens, like whatever the weather was, was just sort of what shaped my day in my life. And when I met them, Richard and Sue, I, I realized, or I started to learn that no, we design our lives.

That we actually bring an intention and a deliberateness to the way that we live and that, that actually changes the results that we get. It doesn't mean that bad things don't happen or things that we didn't see coming. You know, don't happen. Look at the last, almost two years of our lives. Certainly we cannot predict and control everything. But what I do think is that when we do the work to. Get our minds straight steady.

Then we have a tremendous amount of say over our experiences, our relationships, even how we experience our experiences, which is I think 90% of the secret sauce, honestly. So yeah. It was definitely 2004 summer of 2004 meeting them. And that just set me off a path of just being, not only awakened to the possibility of personal growth, but actually so incredibly passionate about it, that I really veered my life in that direction going forward. Mm.

And therefore, a lot of people tend to just go through life. As you were saying, it's just going with whatever life is throwing at you, which is perfectly okay yet the moment that for whatever reason, we get that spark. And something awakens and we can see that we can take agency and we can take responsibility for our experience. That is powerful. Mm

I'm not saying all podcasts are about the conversation that we're gonna have today and that you have on your podcast all the time, but there is a lot of very. Deep and introspective and insightful and wise content in podcasts and, and people are consuming it at huge, huge rates. And to me, so that points to me like we are becoming more and more attuned to. Being a more reflective species, really asking ourselves, not only what does this all mean?

You know, some of those bigger questions, why am I here? What is my purpose? But even just on a more micro level of who do I wanna be in my relationships, like, how do I wanna show up in them? And. what do I wanna create in my life?

Or, or why is it that I don't seem to get what it is that I wanna create in my life and realizing that a lot of these answers happen in community, whether it's listening to a podcast and just hearing another person's perspective or joining a coaching group, or, you know, whatever that looks like. When we hear people's experiences of growth and evolution and their journey reflected back to us, it, it, it causes something, it stirs something.

And so I, I think that it's important that we continue to create spaces for us to be able to not only do our work, but, but share the doing of our work, this journey that we're all on. Mm,

And I always believe that what I'm doing for myself and the work that I'm doing in healing myself, that is healing the collective as well, because we are all interconnected. So, um, that is, that is such an important aspect of, of these times that we're in now, especially because there is so many different kind of experiences. We all experience life differently yet. We all think that somehow we are kind of living the same type of life.

And also there is so many different aspects that create level of separation. And for me, that is part of the human experience yet. How can I be with all of that? And I think that is really, really important in terms of. Being able to, to develop more understanding. And I, and I want to ask in terms of that, well, no things that you said that for me would resonate is mindfulness.

You, you said, you know, like you are trained mindfulness, um, facilitator yet you prefer sometimes to, as far as I understand, to not use that word in, in, in that setting, can you expand a little bit more on that? Because I think that I know where you're going with that, but I would love to hear a little bit more,

And what I find so interesting about that is that that is that to me, it's like embedded in the word mind or meditation is this mistaken identity of like, it's supposed to mean that we don't, we like our thoughts just disappear.

And so as a result, when people, you know, quote unquote meditate, They often will almost always have the experience of doing it wrong because if, if that's the intent is to make our thoughts disappear then, and that what neuroscience can tell us is that's virtually impossible. Um, then it would always feel like you're doing meditation wrong. Whereas if I just stop calling it meditation and I call it sitting with your thoughts or observing your thoughts or observing your mind.

Or just steadying your mind. Now you're going to have a totally different experience of, of what I just said, even though to me, that's what meditation is. So, so to go back to your question, I, so I'm careful, I'm cautious around words that are sort of loaded with. Uh, assumptions, especially when they're wrong assumptions or, or unhelpful assumptions. And I think mindfulness is another one of those.

Like, we, we think of it like a trait, like you got it and I didn't, or, you know, you seem to have more of it. And than me, when really it's a state that we enter into and, and maybe for fleeting seconds or moments, and then we're back into the automated part of our mind. And so there's this pressure that goes along with mindfulness, like it's like this new character trait or personality trait that I'm supposed to have. And again, I, I just think that's an unhelpful assumption around that word.

So I, I would rather say things like aware and intentional and deliberate and, um, presence. Because those words, at least in my experience, don't come loaded with this, this expectation, this misguided expectation that I'm always supposed to be a certain way, which I don't know about you, but I haven't figured out a way to be mindful a hundred percent of the time. And I, I don't think I ever will. I don't, my mind is not designed to be that way. So, and I certainly don't live in a culture.

That supports me being that way a hundred percent of the time. So, so yeah, I think that's why I, I create that differentiation when I talk about what it is that I do.

Whatever, you know, as you're saying awareness awareness also sometimes awareness and consciousness sometimes for some people that's well there so many, in some sense, mm-hmm so a lot of times it's for me finding what's what's the right word or what's the right key that it's going to unlock that door. So. someone can be.

And that is really challenging in, as you're saying in, in this fast paced society, having that capacity to be with what is, and to be able to not judge for me, the mind is incredible. And as you're saying, a lot of people think that me. it's all about quite in the mind. Mm-hmm yes. There's an aspect of that. That's that is not, um, all of it. And whenever I'm I'm sharing some practices, I keep on telling people 90% of the time, especially when someone starts, 90% of the time are even more.

Is catching yourself going on some thoughts and like going on whatever, like, uh, stories there, cutting their heads. And then it's like, oh, I'm supposed to be here following my breath or whatever specific practice they're doing and not judging and not, I'm not thinking that's wrong. I'm doing it wrong. Mm-hmm I, I have many times. People said to me in the last 10 years, either that they can't do yoga or they can't meditate. And I always said, okay, let's back down. What do you mean by that?

Like what does it mean? You can't do yoga or you can't meditate. Like, do you mean, are you not flexible? That's not yoga. Are you. Thinking that's not, not meditating. how, how we connect with that is really interesting. And, and I do really like, um, and I, and I think that from what you're saying, this connected deliberate, intentional, that is really important because for me, what that brings is that brings us to the place where we actually. Agency for our life.

We are no longer victims of our circumstances. We are taking control as much as we can of our experience and to be able to, to create enough awareness, to see like, oh, this is happening. This is what's my experience within that. And understanding in relationship to others, how. They can see things from another lens and our perspective. And instead of me judging or defending a position, how can I try and see things from their lens?

And I think that this is really interesting in, in a space where. I'm seeing more of what I've seen referred as Mac mindfulness, this mm-hmm , uh, this, this commercialization and capitalist movement of this practices that are making it even more challenging. And yes, it's amazing that this is happening and this is scaling all of these practices, but as well as creating a lot of issues with. Mm,

A teacher or a coach or a therapist, and like just taking what's in here and like putting words to it, or that could look like journaling. That's another loaded word, right. Where people are like, what is journaling? And like, I'll for me, I'll just simplify it. It's like putting language to how you feel and what you're thinking.

And I, I kind of circle or, or I'm kind of underlining or highlighting this whole concept of, of language is such a critical part of our growth and our process of just processing and understanding what it is that we. Are doing and what we're experiencing, but I, I, I emphasize it because different people are gonna have different language and it's gonna resonate with different people.

You know, if you and I were to walk into our local bookstore, there'd be dozens, maybe hundreds, depending on how big the bookstore is. Books on personal growth. and you think, oh my gosh, like how many universal truths could there be? Why would we need so many of these books? And there really aren't that many universal truths. Like I'm sure you, and I could distill it down to, I don't know, a dozen.

And they weave them way into almost every single one of these books and being a podcast host, as you are too, I read an incredible amount of books on personal development and self-awareness, and, and, you know, there, the themes are very similar. But when it comes to language, I could read book a that's talking about meaning and purpose and discovering who I am, and it could completely fall flat on me, or I could read book B and B absolutely blown away.

Like it could blow my mind and it all comes down to language. Like it's just whether it's a podcast you're listening to, or whether it's a. A book that you're reading or, um, guru that you're following. It resonates because somehow this person or this author, or this speaker, or this host has extracted or excavated the language that actually makes whatever that is makes sense to you.

And so I bring that up because I think it's important when people are on their journey is just keep opening doors. Like if something doesn't resonate with you, then. Like next, like try the next thing and see if that resonates until, until the language feels like, oh, that is right. That feels true to me. And it's not gonna be a one time, one shop deal. It. It's going to be a search and it's gonna be a distilling down. And then eventually.

You'll have your own language and your own truth and your own words. And, and what you write in your journal is, is what's true for you. And I ha what podcast guest that I was speaking to says, you go from having a guru to having a Uru. Now you have tapped into an really intuitive, deep wisdom of, of what's true. And what's what's right. And I, I think that's just such a cool part of the journey is like, we're all on.

And many of us are saying different things, but we're really a not, you know, it's pretty, pretty universal. Yeah.

So I, I found a big part of my life. I've been following Tibetan Buddhi teachings. Um, I started to learn the Tibetan language. Um, the reason why I did that was because all of the teachings that I was reading were either in English or in Spanish. And, and I thought there's another level here of something that I'm not getting. And once I started to read some of the teachings in Tibetan, I was like, ah, like something clicked because there wasn't that same filter to locate from.

And a word that I was using, I was like, Like in, in, in English, for example, saying Buddha like that can have lots of different ideas and interpretations in my mind. Whereas if I use the word in Tibetan sang, that is a very different meaning. There's a different explanation. There's a different, um, feeling to that word. And I think that is really important in the way that language. Can be really useful and as what it can be in the way. And, and we need to find a way to resonate with things.

And, and I do think that this is one of the reasons why a lot of times, even though I have heard from many people that I shouldn't be doing this, I don't ever feel like I'm competing with anyone in this. Because someone will resonate with me. Someone will resonate with you. Someone will resonate with someone else mm-hmm and we all will need, as you were saying with the books, the same, like we all resonate at different times in our life with different things.

And we, by trusting that that is the best thing that we can do. And, and I, what I want to, to. Asking now it's in terms of that, how does in your experience someone find how they resonate with things? Because for me, we have been living mostly in the Western world, in our hands. And for me, that resonating comes from the body.

We speak every single week is like, yes, we do feel resonance in our body, but we usually fill, fill it, excuse me, feel it in a very specific place. So some people might feel it in their throats or in their chest, or, you know, in their lungs, like in their breathing, or it might be in their solar plexus or.

It might be in their stomach, or it might be in their, you know, in their shoulders, but most of us can, can close our eyes and actually feel where, when we're a, when we actually feel something that's intuitive, where that actually lives. And I think it's really important to. Figure out your own mechanism, like where you actually tap into it because when you notice, oh yeah, I do. For me, it's in my solar plexus. That's where I feel it.

Like, and, and it kind of like starts there and then kind of just goes woo. Like up through my rib cage. When I know that that's where I go to find it. Uh, first of all, I acknowledge its existence and I kind of honor that it, that, that is so for me, but also I can evoke it, like not like fake it, but like, I can turn the volume up for it. So it's, it's, I don't have to strain so hard to listen. Like, am I a yes for this?

Or am I a no, like, am I feeling this person or am I not feeling this person? Am I, should I sign up for this course? Or should I not sign up for this course? I, I can almost like, like, I'm doing it with my head, like lean in ear in like, okay, what is my inner knowing telling me here? And so. I think that's a big part of resonance and resonance. And I, I am totally a walking head at times. Like I, I, I live a lot in my mind being in my body takes a real deliberateness to me.

I, I don't go there first. If someone asks me how I feel, I will tell them how I think about how I feel or I will describe. You know, what's going on in my life and what I'm thinking about it, but I don't go right to like, well, how I feel is I'm aching or I feel wounded or it's taken some coaching and some real, like in intentional embodiment work that I'm still on that from here down has a say too. And not only a say, but.

Has something really valuable and important to say, maybe even more so than what's happening from here up, cuz here up is where all my beliefs are and my conditioning and everything that happened before. And my amygdala, that's just wanting me to survive and all of that, like that's, what's all in here, but like all of the wisdom is, is below my chin. And so it's, I, it's a great question because I think.

We're missing embodiment work in our teaching of our humans, whether it's kids or teens or whatever it's missing. And, and we, we need it. I, I really feel that. Yeah,

A lot of times we want to come back to the bottom that doesn't negate the head mm-hmm I, I think I was actually teaching recently, uh, a session on mind in meditation. Because we've ified. We, we want to sometimes get out of it. And as we were saying at the beginning, people think that it's about quiet need and down, we have the capacity to use our vessel, our body, including our mind and our mental capacity too, as well. Tap into.

What I would say energy in the universe and the ideas that are floating around and are everywhere, both within and without, and the capacity to be able to, to tap into things and being able to explore them from a feeling sensation, sens sensations, mind, capacity that. Whole realization of how we can experience that for me is the ultimate way that we can holistically understand how we experience life. Because as I come to my body, that doesn't mean no more head.

Mm. That just means understanding this. This is all connected. How is that in relationship? So. I can then show up and I can then respond to life in the way that at this moment I know or want to, or, or, or try to explore. And, and that, I think that it's really important as, as we do it personal work, how we engage with all

And, and just a lot, my thoughts just started really running, like the motor of like, You can't do this. What were you thinking, you know, turned on and I, and then, you know, I, I felt tired. My body started to feel really constrained and, and, and it wasn't until actually I met my husband in the kitchen. We were just sort of ships passing in the kitchen for lunch today. And I, he said, how you doing? And I shared that with him. Like, I'm just like, oh, I'm in such a funk today.

And feeling like I can't do this. And, and, um, But just saying that like actually declaring it and then coming upstairs and, and just like honoring that, that was there for me to date that that energy was there. That those, that those thoughts were there reminded me that, oh, that was just like a tape that got turned on. And when I actually sort of grabbed the wheel again, it was like, sorry about that. When I. Like a runaway horse kind of thing.

Like, and I drops the reins, but when I grab them again, then I can, now I can steer the mind again and I can, I can think true thoughts. I'm not gonna fake it, but I can think thoughts like you, you will figure this out. You usually do like things do usually feel impossible at first. It, it is not unnatural for you to feel doubt right now. You've never done that. Before, and you are uncomfortable having these conversations that, you know, enrolling people into a new, a new experience does.

Feel uncomfortable. It's okay. That you feel this way. And, and it, it's just, it's just cool to be talking to you about it because you're ING me to a process that while was done with a certain level of consciousness of me, sort of taking control of my thinking. I really actually wasn't even that aware that , that I had had done it. And. , but this is your, you said like the magic and magnificence of our mind, like this is, this is what we can do.

Mm. Like we don't have to be a runaway train all the time and I've spent. a lot of time being a runaway train. I still do become a runaway train mm-hmm . And yet I, I am so aware of my capacity and my agency to be able to grab the reins of my thinking and, you know, pull back on them and go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know? Let's I don't wanna go there and that's not me pretending or, you know, making up stories about my life.

Like I'm still rooted in reality, but we're, we're always interpreting our experience and we can do that with love and compassion and. With hope and care and gratefulness and all of those things. Mm.

I, I think a of times, uh, I see people trying to, um, use affirmation, things like that, conflict that face until you make it. Mm. And a lot of times, for me, that feels a little bit tricky because I, no, that's, it's not about facing faking it. It's about. Feel it experience it, process it, integrate it. Mm-hmm and then that's it.

And as you were saying, it's so important to, to understand I, and each of us, we have the capacity at any point to become more present and to take responsibility and say, actually, I'm going to stop mm-hmm and I'm going to change gears and I'm going to, as you were saying, take the reigns again, and I'm going to choose more consciously what I want to do. That doesn't mean that that didn't happen. That doesn't mean that that's gone. I still need to perhaps work through it yet.

At each point in time, we have the capacity to, to do something mm-hmm . And I think that that for me is really powerful. Cause that means that we all can do that at any point. And it doesn't matter what we have done during the day or the week or a month. The moment that we catch ourselves. Okay, this is new. I can choose. And I think that is really, really important to understand, as you were saying that we have that capacity and what we catch ourselves, it's much easier.

And I want to, to, to ask question, when you, you have been doing this for a while, for people that are just starting and that they want to catch the. What would you recommend in terms of some easy practices or easy things that they can do during their days as they start to develop more and more of this?

Have us slow down, you know, for some people, many people it's going outside, it's going for a walk. It's getting movement actually physically like moving the body. And so you can go from a very upset and intense. Mental space and knowing like, okay, I'm just gonna go for a walk around the block and seeing like, okay, I start to feel ease. I start to, you know, like, I feel like I can slow down the horses a little bit. For some people it might be talking.

Like actually calling a friend and saying, I'm going through a thought tornado right now. I need some help. It could be journaling. It could be writing that down. It could be having a shower. It could be gratitude. And, and it could be if we were to be really honest, picking up our phone and, you know, going through Instagram or eating a piece of chocolate or having a drink or smoking a cigarette or, you know, whatever those are.

Designed to give us shifts in our state and really quickly, you know, like I, I can definitely share that I've experienced being in a really difficult mental state and having like one glass of wine and being like, oh, I feel so much better. And when I, when I share with people, This concept of creating a resilience toolbox, or, um, a serenity toolbox or a self-care toolbox or a self-awareness toolbox, like whatever, whatever language resonates for you.

I do tell you can, you can keep wine in there and you can keep your Instagram account in there. Like if that's something that really works and you can, you can produce a new state as a result of that, then. Great. Keep it there. Explore what else could be in there? Like a walk, like some deep breathing, like phoning a friend, like having a shower, like some of the things that we've already discussed today.

So I, I think it's less about this perfect practice or this perfect mantra or meditation or, and more about what do you, what have you already experienced? Brings you home to yourself, provides you with a sense of more steadiness and sturdiness and do more of that. because your body has already given you the green light it's already said yes. That works, do that. So find a way to do more of that. If it's walking, look at your schedule and, and figure out, wow, how can I do more of that?

Because something really good happens for me. Something gets rewired when I spend time doing that, or, you know, I, I really did have an amazing session with that therapist. How can I afford that? What changes would I need to make in my budget to be able to accommodate speaking to her or him. Twice a month instead of once a month. So yeah, I, I think it's turning inward and saying what works and how can I have more of that? What what's wor what works and what is also nourishing to me?

Cause yeah, wine works but you know, it's got strings attached, so we wanna find some more nourishing practices.

How can we mm-hmm create more presence and be more connected and more aware in your already experience. Instead of saying, you need to add this like five hours a, a week on meditation, five hours a week on yoga five. And it's like, okay. Like for someone that, that works awesome, but. At the same time, what you're doing, changing, how you are doing it, what's the intention behind it. And I think that's really important.

And I want to ask you one last question before we, we need to wrap this up and that is perhaps a big one. What is the one thing that you wish everyone in the world knew? Hmm.

But if, if we were to grow up completely in like oblivious to this idea of perfection, we would feel so much more connected to ourselves and to each other. And so I. Think to just start every day with your hand on your heart and just say, I am enough. And to believe that, and to actually live like that were true. I feel like that would just be life changing. Hmm.

So that's there and, and you just have to put in your email address and you get these. Videos and audios and things like that. So yeah, that's you could find it, Kristen manary.com.

Are you already doing some of these things? Um, if you do, how something to share, please put it on the comments, whatever you, you see this, but for now. Thank you. Thank you Christian. Once again, and we'll see everyone in the next episode. Bye.