Episode 120 with Tom Glaser - Developing mindful self-compassion

With thought leaders and change makers, from sustainability to wellbeing, and everything related to conscious living, our mission is to empower you to be the change that you wanna see in the world. Welcome everyone to a new episode of the Conscious Action Podcast. I am Brian Berneman. Your. And I have the pleasure to be joined all the way from the US in Minneapolis by Tom Glaser. Thank you, Tom, so much for being here. Thank you for taking the time to share with all of us here at the C Podcast.

And for everybody that is listening, what can you share about who Tom.

Like, like that's, that's part of why I say I feel like we're we're soul brothers. Cuz I like, I like go yes to every one of those sea words. So anyhow, Okay, who am I and how did I get here? Oh my gosh. I, um, so I think of myself as like a student of the universe. I think I'm, I'm just a learner. I'm, I'm a traveler, an explorer. , um, like everybody else on the plane, on this planet, that's what we do, right?

We come here to experience and learn and grow and hopefully do some good things along the way. So what else about me? I'm a dog lover. I love to be out in the garden. I love to go on long walks and hikes, and I'm even getting back into running. Lately, I love to be outdoors. Um, I love to be with people who I adore and who I feel loved back from. So family members, kids, children, animals, um, friends, clients, um, so clients. So let, let's talk about work quick.

So I am by trade, a licensed psychologist, and I also do some life coaching. Um, And I would say I came into that work for several quick reasons that I'll talk about. So just from as long back as I can remember, Brian, people told me that I'm a good listener and I just really enjoyed, um, deep conversations. I just felt, you know, like a spark, like I felt like I would come alive when friends or family members, you know, usually one-on-one, sometimes in a small group.

would have, you know, really deep conversations. And I didn't have the words for that experience then that I do now. So now I would say, oh, that was. Those were, um, experiences of deep connection. I would say that to my younger self. Tom, you were connecting really deeply with other people and you were connecting with yourself. So, um, oh plus, plus I had a phenomenal high school psychology teacher, Mr. Ryan, who, who died just a couple years ago. Hmm. And he just lit this spark of fire in me.

The um, , the fascination for human behavior. It's, to me, it's infinite, Brian. Everybody has a story. There's reasons we do what we do, even when it's really unskillful and it causes sometimes tremendous harm. Hmm. That if you dig down deep enough, there's a really good reason that most other people would understand or maybe even do the same thing if all those circumstances were exactly the same. So, um, . So that's, that's where we get like to the compassion piece, right?

So I will say too, speaking of compassion, I have discovered in the last few years self-compassion and in particular mindful self-compassion. and that has been a huge game changer for me. Mm-hmm. too. Uh, in Western cultures in particular, um, you know, we get bombarded with messages that we're not good enough, that we're not okay as we are. And, um, the mindful self-compassion work has really helped me.

, even though, you know, I'm almost, I'm gonna be 60 years old in October, and, and sometimes I, and, and I've done all like, like another reason I was interested in, in this work of helping other people is cuz I knew it would motivate me to continue to work on myself. Mm-hmm. because you can't help other people who are addressing personal, personal development and not be doing personal development. yourself.

So my whole, I feel like really my whole life, it, that may sound grandiose, but kind of true really since I was even a we one. Like I just wanted to be better and I thought, I, I just, you know, that's just me, that's who I am and, and in the world. So I've been doing all this work all these years, uh, more than half a century. And, um, the mindful self-compassion work has just really helped me, um, be kinder to myself. I could say a ton more, but I think that's plenty for right now. .

Brian Berneman: Mm, beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. I think, you know, it's always so fascinating for me. I ask this question to all of our guests. I ask this question to a lot of people when I'm doing like in-person events and stuff like that. Um, how people respond and where they go. And it's, it's fascinating. I mean, talking about human behavior, it, like what. What is, that comes first for people in their minds.

And there's some people that I know, uh, and I was sharing this before with you, it's like some people, it's like, okay, like this is my name and this is what I do. And that's more of how they see themselves and there's others that it's like, well, I'm in a continuous path of, of discovery and openness. And yes, and all of it's welcome, but it's fascinating at the same time how we respond.

And I think that it's very interesting as, as you shared that from, from being a child, I remembered as a child. And I think that for me as well, this is one of the things that. Has helped me in, in what I do in the terms of listening is that I was super shy as a kid. Um, I love spending time with adults. I love spending time when my family would gather and. All of my, like siblings and my cousins, they would go at some point later after eating to play.

Most times I would stay at the table listening to my grandpa and the adults just talking. And trying to understand, you know, like what's going on in the world at some, at when I was a little kid, I wanted to be a journalist, which I ended up be becoming.

And it was like, you know how, how those first experiences end up shaping a little bit our path that sometimes that happens and sometimes it doesn't, but, It is fascinating how that happens in those cities and like we can recognize them later on as we look back and it's like, ah, yes, I was doing that.

And, and thank you for sharing about the values, because I do think that, you know, uh, there's a lot of importance when someone is creating something, uh, with conscious action to, to figure out, okay, these are the values that conscious action. Yeah, they are my values as well. Um, of course, but it's as an its own entity and how do people resonate with them is going to be how I end up working with people or which people end up coming and I end up connecting.

And I want to, to explore, first of all with that place of connection. That place that, that you mentioned. Most people in the world I find are not connected, and this is the biggest problem that we have, that disconnection. And from that place, a lot of the actions. That end up, as you mentioned, being potentially harmful, um, comes from that place of disconnection.

What, what can you share from your experience and your experience working with many people, the, the importance of that place of connection and how people can get there? Oh, what a wonderful question. And yes, you're, you see me just nodding, nodding, nodding as you're talking, so yes, like I just agree so much.

Again, soul Brothers, Okay. What I wanna say first, and this is an answer to your question, um, could you commented on how I answered a very open-ended simple question, just, who are you? And it's so wide open, right? How would you like to introduce yourself today? And I did it in the way that came to me in this moment. I wanna tell you, oh, there's a reason I did it that way, which was sort of flowing. Um, right. I, I sort of just led with my interests and like, it was spontaneous.

I didn't plan what I was gonna say. I, I was in the moment just honoring what was coming up to me, being honest, completely honest. Um, I did not do a spiel, right? I could have done my spiel. . Here's the thing, , just a few months ago, maybe half a year ago, I was asked a very similar question in an interview. Um, super open-ended, just tell us who you are, and I froze up a little bit. Mm-hmm.

, I felt put on the spot and I'm, I also, actually, it may not be so apparent, I also have a, a shy side to me, which was more apparent when I was younger. I just did my spiel. I said, well, and, and I kind of, I thought I, I kind of said what, I thought it was an interview to be on a podcast, how I thought I might in introduce myself on, on the podcast, and, um, it, but it was my spiel. Mm-hmm. , not, not that my spiel isn't true.

My spiel is very true, but it's also kind of practiced and it's safer. Here's the thing, it's safer. A spiel is safer. and they didn't, uh, choose me to be on their podcast. Mm-hmm. and I just reflect and, and who knows why they didn't, I don't know. Mm-hmm. , I, I thought we had a lovely conversation and I, they basically had had told me they were gonna book me and then they didn't. And I, I just kept going back to that moment and I said, I think I could have been freer.

I think I, I got anxious. Mm-hmm. and I wasn't prepared. For that le, I didn't think that that's what they were gonna start, and so I just did my spiel. So ever since then, I have been more mindful. Mm-hmm. about how I respond. There is an open-ended question like that and trusting myself more. So just in that experience, just in that response, it's is answering your question, right? So what can people do?

And I'll come back to the importance, which you also asked me about, but what can people do about it? Which maybe is premature. But anyhow, that's where I am right now. So, , you saw what I did. I reflected, I noticed, oh, that didn't go as well. , the feedback that I got wasn't what I wanted. Hmm. Huh. Is there something I could do to, I got curious. I didn't get shameful. I didn't get down on my, maybe a little bit down on myself a little. Yeah. Blaming my a little bit.

But you know, I'm more, um, like I was saying with the self-compassion stuff, I'm more, I'm easier on myself in my older age. Um, and. , I've, I just supported myself to be freer, to be more spontaneous. I made a conscious decision to do that. Mm-hmm. . Um, and I found a way to make it work. So all those things are little tricks that people could do. So waking up, noticing a pattern, noticing the result, uh, reflecting on why that might be. I was anxious. I wasn't prepared.

and deciding I'm gonna do something different. Why is it important? Oh my gosh. Um, Brian, what, so, uh, one thing I didn't mention and when I introduced myself is that I'm also an author and I wrote this book called Full Heart Living Conversations with the Happiest People I Know Will Connection is what I learned. Happier People connect. It's the number one thing they do, they. , happier people connect really deeply first with other. , they also connect really deeply with themselves.

They know who they are. They honor themselves, they're mindful, they're in the present moment. They're not so distracted. They make the most of their relationships. They're also connected to their passions and they do things they love and they give back and they do good deeds in the world and they donate money and they volunteer. Um, so they get fed and other people. benefit as well. So why is connection important? Cuz if we connect , we become more in alignment with ourselves.

We become, you know, more true to our values. Mm-hmm. and we do more good deeds. We put more good stuff out there and more good stuff comes back to us. So it all comes back. To connection. It's like essential. I, I, I feel like it can't be overstated and I'm, I'm struggling with what more to say, but I'll just stop

Um, the idea for me with that is the understanding that, as you mentioned just now, if I am connected with myself, with my values, with my, with my own truth, then I'm online. When I'm in line, I can show up with others. With others? For others, yes. Honoring myself, honoring others, honoring the spaces, honoring the land, honoring nature. Yes. And I know this from my experience, I'm from a lot of the people that I have worked through, uh, the years.

The more deeply connected we are, the more beautiful life is because there's not much. That is going to get in the way of what is. Yes, there is. And, and we can talk about this a little bit. Yes. There is a lot of the conditioning that we have from the past, and as you mentioned, a little bit of that shame or that guilt or that mm-hmm. Um, negative self-talk from, from some people. But when we are able to stay in the present moment connected, we start to see things as they.

Now and as well, we get into that place as you, as you mentioned, of being kind to ourselves and being compassionate with ourselves. Because at the end of the day, all that we can do is reflect and why would I judge myself? Instead of just learning and just noticing like, oh, I behaved in that way. Yeah, that wasn't, that wasn't what I wanted, or that wasn't conducive to having a healthy relationship or whatever it is.

And, and learning from that, instead of having this battle inside of my head and judging and, and being like negative towards myself instead of being compassionate. And, and I think that that. That that is huge in a society. As you're saying that, that hasn't been the way that we've been conditioned. We've been felt so much staff that, as you said, we're not enough, and that is so ingrained with lot of people that any small little thing that someone does. Then it's like, ah, I am the failure.

I am not enough. I'm not Whatever. At, at your label there . Yes. Yes. And that is so, so challenging.

Yes. It helps us wake up to the truth of what's actually happening in front of us versus our projection of what might be happening. Mm-hmm. ? Yes. And then near the, near the end of what you just said, you talked. I forget the words you used, but what I learned in uh uh, my yoga teacher training study is yoga and other mindful practices help us cut through self-absorption. Very easy, and this has to do with projection too.

You know, when we're not hap, the less happier we are, the more self-absorbed we are. So we cannot see the truth of what's happening here or there. Again, we project so much. Hmm. . And may I ask too, how did you get to be so wise? I don't know how old you are, but you're much younger than I am. . Brian Berneman: Uh, at the moment. At the moment I am in this earth. In this lifetime I'm 35. , . That's how I got to be. Wise. ? Uh, no. Uh, I don't think I'm wise. I thought I'm still learning.

Uh, I have had a very, a very uncommon, um, upbringing and then. In my exploration, in my late teenage years and my early twenties and all through my twenties, really, um, it was a recognition that there was something deeper and there was something that I. I saw, especially with Tibet and Buddhism, there was something that I recognized there. I recognized something with working with energies and through that I was like, okay, I need to explore all of this.

And that brought me to, to be much closer to, to the present moment and to what, like I see that it's not that common and, and how to be able to. To be instead of like, this is something that I usually say with a lot of people, uh, when I'm doing workshops. It's like, we need to stop like doing, we are human beings. We're not human doings. Correct. We need to be.

Yeah. And that comes back to that place of connection and, and I think that, The more that I was able to get out of my own head in a sense. And not just escape it or not just negated. Yeah. Oh, oh, not, not talking about distractions. Yes. No, no,

As the head is the bad guy and we need to come back to the heart and that's, that's where we're going to be. And it's like, well, yes to commitment to the heart. Yes. To returning them . Yes. If, if we haven't been connected there to our feelings and to our experience from this place, yet my head is amazing, my brain and my thoughts and my connection with ideas and, and all of. What an amazing like faculty that I have in a sense of that.

So, Yes. And, and being able to, to integrate instead of trying to just come back here and I that the more that, that I've done this through the years, the easier a lot of things have been to navigate through. Uh, there's still a lot of challenges. There's still a lot of learnings. Of course. That's one of the things that I think it's important and I, and I want to, to ask you about this is, , I have a much deeper sense of mm-hmm. alignment.

And what does my success in life look like of being able to be present, connected, happy in the moment, versus what society tells me that is what I need to. And I think that that is, that is a place that a lot of people that, that I see a lot of my clients, they are torn in between their, their own truth and, and their, what they've been told is success. And what they've been told is that happiness and looking for it completely outside of them.

So, I just wanted to bring this, these topics there and, and throw it to you to, to get any insights from you.

And I'll never forget, um, we were in this, this small group near the end of our three days together. And, uh, one of the women talked about something really similar, and I don't remember all the details. But it was sort of what you're saying, like her family wanted her to be, I'm gonna say a lawyer wanted her to study law and she was like, she couldn't, she was like it, it was crushing to her. She felt suffocated.

Just the thought of four or six or eight years of studying law was like it was gonna kill her. She, I mean, it was like that bad. and the group was like, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't. And it was so cool to see people come together and supporting Yes. Go for, you know, follow what you know is true. Mm-hmm. , I wish I could tell you the end of that story. I, that's, that's, that's all I know. I, I didn't really see her again.

But I suspect that she did not study law and that the world is a better place because of it. Um, I am doing, lately I've been studying what's called automatic writing, which is sort of channeled writing. And very similar thoughts to what you're proposing has been coming to me in the middle of this automatic writing things like, um, follow your gut, follow your heart. Do what you know is right to do. All shall be well.

So how amazing, oh, and to pay attention to synchronicity is coming through too. And here you are asking this very question, while for several weeks now, that's what's been coming to me every single morning, those very messages. Mm-hmm. . And it does relate to how I started. This conversation. Right. I just kind of said what I was called to say in the moment. It was relevant to what you asked. Of course. And by the way, that is using my head, right? Mm-hmm.

, that's my, my brain was part of that. But it's also listening to my heart. It is the boat and there, and, um, yes, when I can get into a state like that, that's more in flow. . Like just everything goes better cuz I'm, I'm writing a second book. Well, trying to write a, no, don't say it that way. Tom . I was gonna say, I'm trying to write a second book. Writing is very hard for me for, as it is for many others. Um, I'm working on a second book.

. And when I get more in that flow, by the way, part of it is I listen to, um, and I'm learning this in this automatic writing program, music, uh, theta wave music. Mm-hmm. . So it gets my brain, you know, out of that thinking, kind of thinking. I, it's like getting outta my own way. And when I get into the flow like that, um, the writing goes better and I have longer writing sessions. Like I usually try to stop. At 40, 45 minutes, 50 minutes to give myself a break.

And often, and usually I, I'm done way before or not done, but I take a break before them. Lately I've been going more like 108 minutes and then taking a break cuz I am in that flow state. So that may not exactly answer your question, but it is a personal example of, and I'm not writing what I thought I was going to write, by the way. Cause this is part of that question too. This book started, uh, at a very different place. I'll, and I'll, I'll quick tell you just so that makes sense.

So I started writing, and this is several years ago now. It's a longstanding project on, uh, resilience following trauma and, um, It still may be in part that, but what it has just morphed into is, um, then I started writing about my own development as a trauma therapist, and now I'm writing just about what is it like to be a therapist? What do, in other words, like what do I do in sessions? So, um, what, what's my thought process? How do I make the decisions I make? What happens?

when I throw things out there with a client. Mm-hmm. . Um, again, Brian, when I am, what I've realized about myself as, as a therapist is. The more I'm in that state that you're talking about, the better I am. So the, so it's not that I lose my head at all, all my experience, all my knowledge, all my training, my education, it's all here. I use this I think really carefully, but it's more that I'm in the moment.

. And when I'm, when I'm there, like stuff just comes to me and this is, this has happened since the very early days of my training. The stuff would come outta my mouth before I knew what I was saying, and I would be like, where did that come from? Who's who said that? I, I don't, I didn't plan to say that. And like 99.9% when that's how it is. And it isn't always, it isn't. Most of the time that kind of inspired stuff that, that basically is beyond me and it like, like, like it isn't really me.

Here's the thing, here's the thing. . I mean, I'm there, I'm an important pe I'm not discounting myself either, but it isn't, it also isn't really me. It's like it's, it's just, it's, it's what happens when two people come together with open hearts, with pure intention, uh, wanting to heal in the present moment. Again, away from that distracted thinking, mind magic happens. Brian. Magic happens. People get, but if they're a good fit for me and they're there.

With a good reason in really wanting to work, look out stuff shifts quickly. It's really fun.

And I love some of the words that you use. You use the word flow inspired synchronicities, those words, they carry different, meaningful, different people. For me being. in that flow is being connected, is being aligned, and when I'm aligned, which I, I, I aim as much as possible to be in that space, then things just flow with is I'm allowing life to, to unfold instead of trying to.

Manipulate it or trying to, whatever it is that I'm, I might be like, oh no, I need to say this because this is, as you were saying, like, I need to say my spiel because this is the way, or, or I need to show up like this and stuff. Just trusting I'm being there. And one of the things that that one time one of my teachers told me, I must have been like 19, 20, something like that. And. Something happened and I went to my teacher and I told her about this synchronicity, and she was like, great.

Now can you see everything else that happened in your life? A synchronicity. It's easier to notice the synchronicity when there's something so obvious. Can you actually see life as everything is synchronistic? Everything is happening in that way, even though I might not be able to, to, to notice that that's the case. But I think, you know, for, for a lot of people, um, that are listening, uh, I would. , I would love to, to for them.

You know, like if you're listening to this, explore, what does this word mean to you? How do they show up in your life? Because I think this is so beautiful. And, and Toma, I you mentioned, uh, the very end, um, that you work with, with, with trauma and that resilience after trauma. I would love to explore a little bit that, because that, you know, like, um, I, I work a lot within that space. Just because people come to me with that.

So, . So trauma it to me is the, the best definition that I have come upon so far is, um, when we come against a situation, um, that is so overwhelming emotionally that, um, you know, we're overwhelmed that we can't, that we feel unbearably alone. It, it, it, um, surpasses our capacity. to process fully. Um, and I think most of us have experience, if not all of us, something like that, if not, totally to that degree. I would say most of us, if not all of us, are at, at least no wounding.

Most of us have been wound. Somewhere, usually in our early childhood. Mm-hmm. , and as I said, these places cause us to stumble. They echo in our lives because they weren't fully processed or digested or incorporated because we were so alone. Because we were so young. The only way we can make. of those things, almost always as children because of our brains aren't fully developed. And you mentioned this, we blame ourselves.

You mentioned this earlier and, and then we develop this pattern of thinking about ourselves and or about the world. Usually it's about ourselves. Hmm. That serves us well to get through the time or the moment. , but it doesn't serve us very well later. It limits us later. Actually, from, again, what you were saying earlier, it prevents us from seeing things accurately. It causes us to be more self-absorbed, to use my word from earlier, and it amazes me how people can endure incredible things.

even later in life. So sometimes trauma does happen later in life when we're adults. Um, and I'll just use extreme examples like war or, you know, sexual assault or, um, oh, natural disasters, catastrophic things. Um, and don't, it amazes me how much people experie. and go on. Mm-hmm. amazes me. Amazes me. That spirit, that resilience is inspiring. Mm-hmm. absolutely inspiring. So to me, what can we learn from each other By telling our stories, by really peeling the layers.

by having, bringing more awareness to these patterns, recognizing, oh, I'm doing that thing. It's preventing me from being as close to others as I would like to. It's causing me to be mean to people when I really don't want to. And that causes all kinds of ripple effects, right? That causes people to distance from me. So can I wake up to my patterns? Can I go, oh my gosh, I'm doing that. Here's why. Again, so the self-compassion comes in. . Oh God, that thing happened to me.

I learned to interpret it this way, so I made sense of the world. Okay. Can we look at some alternative ways of seeing myself, seeing the world that are more helpful, more true, more productive? Then it helps my behaviors be better. Can I make any repairs than I might need to? Can I apologize to the people I've hurt when that's possible, when that's helpful. Um, and. on top of that. So all that is kind of may sound esoteric and big and deep and it. And super important.

On top of that, like there's really practical things. So by studying mindfulness, it supports me. It gives me a practice, it gives me a way to do those things, to slow myself down, to be in the moment where to recognize my patterns of thought when I recognize them and really listen and know what I'm saying to myself. I can go, wait a minute, that doesn't ring true. , is there an option? Can I refute the irrational part of that self-talk?

Can I say instead of, I don't know what, um, I'm stupid, I'm incapable. It's all my fault. Can I say, wow. I, I, I had a really hard childhood. I did really pretty good considering I made a tons of ton of mistakes that I'm, you know, regretful of. But even that I did out of my own pain, my own wound, goodness, can I forgive myself? Can I do better now? What can I do now to repair? What can I do now to make the world a better place? Yeah, that's just a part of it.

There's so much more to, to resilience. But I feel like that's enough to say right now. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for that. Because you know, as a, and I. . I I love that. Um, what you said about the definition of trauma, because for me, a lot of times I, I came to trauma in a sense from the ti Buddhist teachings in, in the, what the energy blockages are. I'm trying to release them by actually filling them. So this. Feeling all of the unprocessed experience.

I like trying to touch them and trying to connect with them and trying to slowly massage them until they. Felt integrated included, and the more that just think

If, I don't know, if I don't have the tools or I don't have the capacity in the moment to experience that experience, then that's going to come to be a blockage or trauma that then I can, at some point when I'm ready, I can look at it and I can gently with compassion, hold it in my.

and being able to see that I want to experience it now that I have more tools to do that and more capacity and space to do that, as well as seeing that there's so many patterns of behavior that were created based on that. And if that is not longer true, that doesn't serve me any longer than these patterns no longer serve me. So therefore I can change as well my behavior and. World.

For me, it's so important to, to do this work and, and how would the world look like if we all did this work of self-compassion and to, and, and to explore more of ourselves and how these patterns were created so that we can see, does this serve me? Or does this no longer serve me? Do I, do I want to behave differently and think like, okay, there's still things that I need to process and I need to dig into to actually change this because this is a way that.

Worked for me to protect me and, and a lot of the work that I do as well, it's not only just with that, it's with the ancestors and like families, um, that also come through and,

So much resilience to be able to escape, to be able to go to Argentina and to, to basically like make a life there and you know, like have my dad and, and then I show up and it's like, well there's so much resilience in there that I was also excluding, even though I can go. But I was excluding that quality as well. So being able to include all of these different parts and see them from the heart, seeing them with compassion makes life so different.

Sparks, that's called, so all that is available at@fullheartliving.com. Yeah. Oh, and a free workbook is on there too. Cool.

Whatever it is that you're listening to this episode, or if you're watching it as well, uh, as we would love to, to keep an expert in that, that connection. And thanks so much, Tom, for, for being here. Uh, thank you for, for sharing up, for being present, for listening and for sharing on the work that you're. Ah, and