Colm & Lucy In The Morning.. The Best Bits Ep 80

These are the best bits of Now lots of us watched the toy show the other night. I definitely did in my pajamas. And lots of superstars came out and made an appearance. But the nation's favourite We're Keelan and Dylan and they're on the phone now. Boys, good morning. Good morning. Good morning!

You are little celebrities. I'm so proud of the two of you. I just think you you you've touched everybody's hearts and my kids were so excited that I was getting the chance to interview you this morning. How are you doing? We're all going to be able to do that. What time did you get home at then after the late late? Oh good, you must have been exhausted. It's a long day, isn't it?

Did you see yourselves like all over social media and Instagram and TikTok across the week? Was that ex was that exciting to see that? Yeah, really exciting. What yeah really exciting. I felt really happy. You feel happy. Can I ask you'cause I I I think he is a really nice guy. What was Roy Keane like in real life? They were really nice. And and you guys were very, very excited when Louis Capaldi appeared on the screen, yeah. I was I was like I was the happiest child in the world. Ha ha.

So are you gonna go and see him then when he's touring, is it? Right. And do you think you'll get to meet'em? Um yeah, I I think we're gonna meet him after the show. Well these guys are as famous as Lewis, he'd be doing very well. So what's it gonna be like then going back to school today? Yeah, it's gonna be trained. It's gonna be crazy. You guys are gonna need security. Are you guys in the same class? Yeah, we are. Okay. And they're best friends.

Oh, yeah, the best friend single and do you sit beside each other? We sit next to each other. Right on. Okay, that's really cool. Yeah. You guys are gonna be so famous when you go into school today that it's good that you have each other to take care of each other'cause fr you know, from looking at you on Friday night, you you guys take care of each other all the time. Let's just say you are the Irish Anton Deck.

how you guys are. I think the boys need to be very careful. You could be hosting I'm a celebrity, get me out here next year. Maybe. And just finish up uh I wanna ask each of you, Keelan, what what are you looking forward to most for Christmas? Can we tell them on the VR? Uh I think m my most thing is an MP three bed. Nice. Okay. Well listen, I've no doubt that Santa will look after you this year'cause you're such good guys. Thank you so much for talking to us.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe one day Mum maybe one day you can pop into us and we can give you a big hug. F you're friends now and by the way uh you you guys talk, you're gonna be friends like Keelan and Dylan, thank you so much for talking to us boys. See you later guys. Have a great Christmas. Bye. Happy Christmas. Bye. Oh, I love that. They were really good, right?

I love them. The they're the little aunt and deck. Yeah, it wasn't. And their friendship was so sincere, do you know? And they were kind of looking after each other when they got upset. I love that. I adore them. Column Lucy in the morning. Weekdays from six AM on Ireland's Classic Hits Radio.

Real Christmas trees are great, as we all know, but they often bring unexpected guests into the house. Last week a family in Kentucky, USA went out to a Christmas tree farm to choose their ideal tree. They picked it up, tied it onto the roof and they went home. It was not until four days later when they'd put up the tree in the living room Sie finden den Intruder. A little baby owl. Uh made its home in the truth. The tree.

The journey. Just thinking that poor little baby Ell is probably wrapped in tinsel and lights and everything. Yeah. So apparently real trees can bring unexpected guests. Yeah. Like bugs, beetles, spiders, insect egg sacks. No. Especially praying mantis. Birds' nests. And even tiny little creatures like bark lice. Right, okay. So

Well I remember a couple of years ago we spoke I know we spoke to a couple of people who had brought their because a lot of people now go to they literally cut down their own Christmas tree. You go to the Christmas tree farms, yeah. And you don't know what's in it. Now we want to move Субтитры сделал DimaTorzok Shake your own tree. But a squirrel can hang on to any good shake, if you know what I mean. Or an owl. Yeah.

So we asked this a couple of years ago. We wanna see if we have any more since then, but let's remind ourselves. This is what we heard a few years ago. Here's Peter. Hi, my name's Peter. I'm from Aussie. And living in the Barra Peninsula. Well one Christmas we used to go out stealing and cutting down Christmas trees. Part of the fun was hiding from the police and the everybody else while we s cut down a bit of a Christmas tree. We did this. Got it home and then all of a sudden I got bitten.

You know what? Trying to pick out and kill all these bloody ants in the underpants and all the kids could do was just laugh. Hi Colm and Lucy. When my little girl Maisie was younger, she was only about two or three, we used to constantly find naked Barbies inside the tree. And every time you took them out, they'd double up. So every time we looked in, there were just legs sticking out of the tree all the time. Love the show, Fiona from Limerick. Oh okay.

My goodness. So will you tell us what is the strangest thing you find in your tree? Or are you having a cur are you currently having a problem with stuff in your tree? Right, okay. There was a mo actually just let's play Trish here, the last one for a couple of years ago. It could be the mouse story. Dziękuję. Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas. Um a friend of mine, she had a snake.

And when she went to take it down after Christmas, took all the decorations off, and here was a snake wrapped around the centre. Snake piece of the tree. Yeah. They brought it up to the garden and called their local vet and he got the wild person to come in and take it. Yeah. Said it wasn't harmful. Yeah, it was a snake there. Well. She had a snake in her tree wrapped around now I I would notice if it was wrapped around the middle of the side. It was disguised.

Yeah, yeah. Tinsel s you know he had the tinsel snake? Never until today. That's so weird. And we have Carol Ann's story now, and she just says the moral of her story is never cut down a Christmas tree yourself. Oh. All right, okay. This didn't happen to me but it happened to a cousin of mine. They came back from the States to live and got a lovely house and a whole lot on their first Christmas and they decided to go kind of rustic and Yeah. go up to the forest um and take um and get a tree.

So they waited until dark, went up, got the tree and now it wasn't a Christmas tree farm. Right. So they got it home um they put it in the stand. and let it all kind of you know, settle. Yeah, yeah. And they were sitting around and the next minute they heard Thank you. Onto the floor. Oh no. And the group had a loco. And there was all these worms and Just falling out of the tree. They were like, um, fuck, you know, the, like, witchily grub, smaller.

Worms like Richedy Grub. Well, they never move so bloody fast, they straight out into the garden. Mm-hmm. But yeah, the worms were actually falling off. Branches of the tree. Uh just like snowflakes. Worms falling out of the tree. No thank you. Solomon Lucy in the morning. Weekdays from 6 a.m. on Ireland's Classic Hits Radio. Yeah, yeah, okay.

This week it's from Audrey who's saying that she needs some advice and tips. Mm. She's hosting Christmas uh dinner this year. Right. And the problem is she's extended family members who she own name. Yeah. But they don't get a the hint when it's time to leave. Three years ago they stayed till eleven o'clock on Christmas night. Just wanted to get into a gym jump. Yeah. I've told her, whip out your hoover and your shark and get into it.

It's'cause then you can cleanse. I always wear one to cleanse take off my makeup. You've seen me like that. Alright, yeah, but I'm just like with the stragglers, I d would they not get a that's a big hint, is it, if you come in with a shark cap. Would you come in? Right, w a bar of soap as well. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, you don't need the shar cap. I just put a shark cap on and cleanse my face because I don't want cleanser in my fringe. Yeah. All right. Okay. Let's try that. What do people say?

Um well we have uh somebody says pretend to be really, really drunk and needing to go to bed. You probably don't have to pretend to Ah, no, well, most normal people wouldn't be like that on Christmas Day. Most normal people. Always drink responsibly, please, everybody out there. Um also my advice was just to get somebody to knock the main fuse of the house so everything goes into darkness. Music stop

Maybe I'm a bit of a a bee, but I'd go to bed. I'd just go to bed and leave my husband or the kids up to deal with them. I think they get the hint when uh I come down in my pajamas and head up the stairs and say goodnight. I'm asleep anyway, so it doesn't really matter. Wow. Bye, Kelly Mark. Yeah, I I'd get into my gym jumps. I don't know if I'd actually go to bed'cause I'd be up there freaking out. I'd be thinking gosh, there's stuff. Margaret is very direct.

About l relatives overstaying. I've often told people to go I'm going to bed now. Night is over, good night. Thank you for coming. Goodbye. Tell'em straight out. Don't mind these excuses'cause the next Yeah, you'll have to think of another excuse. Kick their asses out. Boy, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, this is a this is a story from Barry, have a listen. So several years ago I was uh invited to a dinner party at the British Ambassador's house in uh in uh the back of uh Sunford.

Ballyogan there into Sandyford and uh Leopardstown and uh I've been I'd not been before anyway, went uh it was a nice little thing, it was a charity thing. Yeah. Um but then uh at around sort of half eleven or so, yeah, he just stood at the bottom of his stairs and announced I'm going to bed. You can all let yourselves out. Uh oh. Uh and uh thanks for a good evening. So uh I thought that was a an interesting way. If you can't uh get them to leave, then you might as well leave yourself.

Uh needless to say he did not play a run of Ian at the end of the night uh to get everybody to leave. But uh he didn't play God Save the Queen either, which is probably a good thing. All right. Well let's say he has people to Hoover. So he didn't have to take out the Hoover either. So the ambassador just announces, I'm off to bed, let yourself out. Yeah, he's a nice guy I've met him. Oh, I love it. Okay. Column Lucy in the morning. Weekdays from 6 a.m. on Ireland's Classic Hits Radio.

Great story going around. Brilliant story. How Nativity Place, you just get it all messed up in your head, right? So there's this Yeah they can. But it was this kid in the I think it was in America, right? And and a message went back to the family about, you know, uh nine year old Oscar is going to be the king. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone was really, really close. Yeah yeah yeah. But very very mixed messages obviously. No. And he was the king, but he was You know what? Poor Oscar.

You know when things are so busy and the world is just Oscar's probably one of seven kids. Well, in the previous year Oscar had been cut Oscar had been cast as an alien, which is why his family didn't really question the king. They thought, Oh, this is nice to. So Oscar uh just appears on the side of the stage. You were a you were uh a snowflaker sometimes, weren't you? You're a tree. Yes. You were treated, you're a tree. Yes I was a tree, okay, which is embarrassing. But I never got that wrong.

Did you audition? Yeah, yeah. But now it's just a swaying tree. Rice. And then a random angel, one of twenty angels. Never got a good gig. But I'm quite shy back then with the side. But I never would have kinda put myself forward. Right, okay. So I I kinda thought, Well, Mary doesn't do much talking. I'll stay uh that would have been a good role. And did you have to do any noise as a tree? You obsess in me being a tree. Why aren't you probably something like this?

It's always whistling. It's always whistling. Jesus. No, I wouldn't have to do it. No, Jesus, no, no. I think I might have been the entire donkey. But I think I was I wasn't on all fours or anything. I think. Субтитры сделал DimaTorzok Right. Just had ears. Donkey ears. Stupid. Yes, yeah. So you looked more like Pluto? Well it was north side. We didn't have this the the amount of cash available that the Southside Intivity Place did. Well wait a second. This is not north and south.

Mm no, I didn't because then I would have looked ridiculous'cause it would just be a boy with donkey ears on all fours. We didn't have the donkey outfit. I love you. Oh god, yeah. No, if you ever tell the truth. I can have to report you to the guards. I'm so sorry it's it being so close to Christmas. Okay, we're looking for Nativity Play mishaps. Yes. When I was a child, um m in our nativity, my dolly was used as baby Jesus and I absolutely loved

my dolly. Um I had some kind of like really small part but when we were all on stage I saw my doll there being cuddled by another little girl and I wandered over and said, That's my doll It off her. Obviously, my parents were so embarrassed, but everybody laughed. the show. Bye. They had a fight. They had a fight ho over baby Jesus. What's crap of a baby cheese on the stair On the stage.

Morning, Colin and Lucy, Dave here in our town. Um when I was in the nativity when I was younger I played an angel. I was put into like tights and a tutu dress. Um I don't know why, I don't know where they got that idea from but an angel. Yeah, and there's also picture evidence of it so every now and again that picture gets pulled out and shown to me to embarrass me. So Cheers guys, love to shout. If you you know you know where my mind has gone. Can we put your picture up on our website?

Oh David. Column Lucy in the morning. Weekdays from six AM on Ireland's Classic Hits Radio. Good

Good morning, Jim Jeffries. Hello, hello. Thanks for having me. And thanks for getting back to us. The last time uh we we were going on Zoom, right? Yeah. And and uh you I c I don't know if you could see me, but I could see you. And you were lying in a hotel bedroom. It's exhausting. That's that's that's how I live. That's how I live. I I live in hotel bedrooms. I've never understood when you get into a hotel why they even put a chair in the place. I know.

If you can lay down, why would ya why wouldn't ya? Especially if you're lying down right beside the mini bar, you know? Yeah. Uh you're in Prague at the moment, which is a beautiful city. I love the square in the centre and that little uh so that when the clock goes off and they all everyone stands there and just takes photographs of this weird little clock.

But but at the moment it's a Christmas market. The whole city's a Christmas market. Rice. Which is weird because Christmas markets are all just the same three shops, aren't they? Yes. There's someone roasting nuts. Someone's selling you a sausage and another one selling you wooden carved products.

It's just those three shops over and over and over and over or maybe some marshmallows on a stick. But uh it's it's a la it's a lovely time of year. So I've uh I've got my uh my uh four year old and it's it's all been very magical. Oh Sweet.'Cause I was gonna ask you if your family come on tour with you.

Uh they do for parts of it. The the the thirteen year old has to go to school. Yeah. Uh the four year old can come with us and the wife can come with me, of course. She doesn't have to go to school either. Okay, well that's good. That's good news. So in in Prague, what are you on holiday in Prague or are you gigging in Prague? No, I'm I'm I'm on the I've got a fifty six date tour. Uh Ireland is the last date. I've been touring for three months. Whoa. Ireland is the last show. Well yeah

Uh before I go home to LA and then I go to Australia for Christmas. So let's make it a banger. Like I I I need a good audience because uh I uh I won't be gigging again until uh mid January. So so let's go out on the high note. We we are quite a rowdy bunch. So the th the gig is called The Son of a Carpenter. Are you the son of a carpenter or is this a play on words?

Well this is the funny thing. I am a son of a carpenter. My father's a carpenter. Well he was a carpenter. He's retired now. But when I first started touring the show, I was performing it in Tampa. Uh I was on stage. I was about fifteen minutes in. I'd been doing sex jokes and you know, different the edgy material and this couple stood up and they were like, This is horrible. You should be ashamed of themselves. They thought it was a one man play about the life and times of Jesus Oh. No. Ha ha.

But I'm amazed they lasted fifteen minutes. They they w they were like, Oh maybe it picks up and then they were like, He's not even he's not even in Bethlehem yet. This show's not gonna go anywhere. We're just waiting for the miracles. I love it. Um listen, at the moment uh you do a lot on social, right? So you pop up on my algorithm you pop up a lot. Uh um on TikTok and your happy wife, happy life, how many views does that have at this stage?

Oh, I I haven't checked that. I don't I don't know, but it's um it resonates with a lot of people. So it would be a few million, I guess something like that. Um the the the clip about the divorce rates of the different uh sexualities has done like twenty two million so people people really um i look if you talk about relationships it's it's it's a tale as old as time right i i comedians were doing this in the nineteen twenties. Yeah.

So it's like people want to hear about relationships, it's relatable. But yeah, happy wife, happy life. Yeah. Uh my and m and so you know, my life's never that happy it turns out. Okay, yeah. Uh and and you're doing have you got another series coming out on Netflix, another uh stand up show? Because you've done some stuff with that.

I just brought a spe I just brought a special out last year. It was me my seventh. I I I I'll record another one of this tour in about a year or so. But I've just you know, these are all new jokes, so I I can't burn them this quickly but uh You know, it used to be back in the day a comedian would have the same set for their whole career. You know, they just travel around, you know. And now you have to write a new set sort of every eighteen months. But that sort of

Back in the day when I lived in the UK, uh doing the Edinburgh Festival sort of trained me that skill, you know? Oh yeah, every yeah. So so I'm sort of used to that, but I I try to turn over a whole new show every eighteen

months. Well that's good. And uh and you're you're here december fourteenth as we said. And then at j I was interested'cause you said you're going to LA because you live in there now and then you head back to Australia obviously for Christmas for family. What do you do Christmas day?

Well Christmas Day in Australia, we swim in the swimming pool. We eat a lot of prawns. Uh we still do the we still do the like the the turkey with the crackers with the hats. Right. Right. The Americans don't do that. And the stupid jokes and all that type of stuff. We still do all that but we do it in the blisteringly like really hot. But I I I am a big fan of Hot Christmas. Right. Hot Christmas. In Australia

You know when you get a bike or you get a skateboard? Yeah. You you know what you do with it on Christmas Day? You go outside and use the blood. Yeah. I love them looking at it. Yeah. I I've had some cold Christmases in the UK and cold Christmases in America, right? And it's like a kid gets a skateboard and goes, In three months that's gonna be really fun. Yes. You know what I mean? So So I I

I love a hot Christmas. Also, every American Christmas movie is peop and every time you watch the news in December, like December twenty third, December twenty fourth, you're watching the news in America. There's always some city that's snowed in and a whole lot of people in the airport and like they won't be getting home for Christmas. Yeah. happens in Australia. The weather's always you can get home. Your house might burn down, but you can get there. Do you stick a tree up?

Y well this is the th thing. We we have to use the plastic tree for the most part because with the heat and all that type of stuff the tree dies a bit quicker. But yeah, yeah, we d we do the tree. We're not animals. You know what I mean? We still have we still have the tri We give each other gifts and everything. It's it's Jim, lovely catching up with you. Jim Jeffries live at the three arena, December fourteen. It's the last gig and how many did you say fifty six?

six. Around fifty six, yeah. Of the European, UK and Ireland tour, yeah. It's it's been a while Okay, so this is the last one. So this is gonna be cracking, this is gonna be all Christmasy, all it's this is just gonna be brilliant. I know it. What? It's gotta be wide. And I I've I've always dug these shows at the three arena, they've been bangers every time, so

Uh if you've watched the special, uh what one thing I want to say because I just brought a special out. People often worry they're gonna come to the show and I'll be doing the same jokes as off the special because I just brought a special out. This is a whole new show. Uh so if you if you're coming to the show and you haven't watched the special'cause you're worried I'm gonna repeat the jokes, watch the special now and come to the show. So I'm giving you two shows for the price of one.

So saturate yourself with Jeffrey's for the next two weeks. Listen man, I'm glad we got to talk to you eventually. Take care of yourself, all right? And have a happy Christmas. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Bye. Find us wherever you