Ep 43: Unmasking Hidden Struggles: Stephanie Mattrey's Journey to Recovery from Eating Disorders and PTSD

I'm a wife , mom and a Joyfield Catholic , and I am the Catholic Subriety Coach , and I am so glad you're here . So my guest today is Stephanie Mattry . She is a Catholic wife to her husband , jack , and mother to three daughters . She's devout in her faith and her struggles with addiction and bulimia have inspired her to help others .

She is also an acupuncturist and serves her community in Western Massachusetts . Stephanie , thank you so much for being here today and sharing this information that I know is going to be so helpful and hopeful to many of my listeners .

Yeah , it's like a little town they call it the Christmas City in our north of Philadelphia and I had a pretty you know normal upbringing . From the outside looking in , we were a nice nuclear family to parents and I had an older sister who was two years older than I was .

We were very close when we were very young , up until maybe age six or seven , and I didn't really realize this was happening . I think kids don't realize that their families could be abnormal because it's all they know . And I , just as I've gone through years and years of therapy , I have noticed oh my gosh , that's not normal .

So my sister had a lot of trouble with my existence . She didn't like that . I was born from the get-go . She actually tried to kill me when I was an infant , when she was two . My parents kind of covered that up and called that an accident for many years . She pushed me off of a countertop .

I was like in an infant seat and she pushed me off and I landed on my head . And it wasn't until I was in my 30s that my dad was finally like no , that was on purpose . So that was kind of the first incident . And as I grew up we were close , but she had me at arm's length at all times and so she would sort of distort my reality .

She would twist things and sort of gaslight me from a young age about anything , sort of . She just controlled everything that I knew and it got me to question my own self and my own sense of reality and my own trust in myself . Until I was spiraling in this confusion , I felt like everything was always my fault . I didn't know .

I was always confused , I didn't know really what was going on . She would frame me for a lot of things , I would get in trouble for things that she did like a lot , and she just I don't know , she just distorted my reality . It's the best way I can describe that without going into immense detail .

So I grew up like that and then when I , when I , turned about 14 , she completely stopped talking to me and did not tell me why she just completely stopped . We were still living in the same house . I was a competitive swimmer , so I wasn't home that often .

She was a dancer and into theaters she wasn't home that often , and then eventually she went off to college and I really basically never heard from her again . We'd see each other at a few family functions . But when I was 11 was when I started to really try to deal with this sense of being out of control by myself .

I didn't I didn't know how to articulate it , so I couldn't really ask for help . I didn't know that things felt off , I couldn't put my finger on it , but all I knew was that I felt way out of control . Food was always something there that I turned to because it doesn't talk back , it's right there , it's free , it's in the pantry .

You know I'm from an Italian family . My mother was constantly baking and cooking , and you know I had anything that I wanted at my fingertips , and so at a young age I finally realized that the only amount of control that I could muster in my life was what I put into my mouth , and so when I was 11 , I stopped eating .

I just I started throwing my lunches away at school . I really I no one was really monitoring that like my breakfast , so I wouldn't really eat those Again . I was a swimmer , so I was . I would come home after dinner after everyone had eaten and I was alone at a table with a plate , but I didn't eat that .

So nobody , like you know , figured that out and eventually I just I lost a ton of weight and I got , instead of concern , I got praise for it from everybody , so I just thought that okay , I'm doing something right like this is even though I felt like I was dying , I was exhausted , I lost my period , like all of the things , and I was 11 , so I was still

just this young kid , adolescent , and eventually I my mom figured it out and actually ironically , my sister brought it to her attention and my mom took me to this nutritionist and back then nutritionists really were not not all of them were trained in eating disorders , so they didn't really know how to address them .

And this woman was just very she just was very blunt in the way that she talked to me . Mind you , at this point I'm about 12 and a half , maybe 13 and she said well , if you don't start eating now , you're never gonna be able to have kids , you're gonna ruin your fertility . And since I was a really little kid , I all I wanted to do was be a mother .

That's just . That was my life goal , and so , of course , that's all she needed to say to me and it scared me . And she also made me eat extra things after dinner . Like she prescribed these extra things that I was supposed to eat and my mom was there , so she like made sure that I did it .

But what's difficult with anorexia is that the actual act of eating is like extremely severely scary . So I didn't have any monitoring in that and I immediately felt like out of control again . So that was when the bulimia started to resurface , and I are not resurfaced . To begin , I remember I was having a conversation .

I had heard about the word bulimia and I asked my mom what it was , and she said oh well , that's when people make themselves throw up you don't want to do that and like that's all I needed to hear . You know you don't need to do that , and so after school I would be home alone .

My parents both worked , my sister was out and I kind of got good practice at binging and purging and that became my drug from the age of 13 on and it really I used it as a drug because

it was . It was a way for me to numb my feelings of this out of control confusion that I had going on at home . It was my secret that I could like keep to myself and not tell anyone about . It was always there for me . It kind of it was like this friend , friend to me , right , like it was a friend but also an enemy .

And of course , at that age I didn't know that this disease , the only goal of this disease , is that it wants to kill me , and that's what it started to do slowly as my life went on . So as I grew up , I kind of kept this in my back pocket and I I was purging daily . I wasn't binging as much but I was .

I was definitely purging both physically and exercise . I exercise a ton . I was still an athlete . I played water polo . In college I studied psychology and I took a class on eating disorders because I thought it would be an easy a , since I knew what I was doing .

And I got a C because I like didn't think I needed a study and it's like that kind of arrogance I think that I'm the young , the young mind can experience . So my senior year of college I met my husband and , and At the very end of my college career I was studying psychology . I really loved it , but I didn't want to pursue that .

I wanted something different . An acupuncturist came into one of my classes and gave some needling and I just was like what is this ? This is amazing . My husband and I checked it out and found a school in California . Of course , just like happy , go lucky . We got married two weeks later .

We moved across the country because that's a normal , healthy thing to do . Later in life I learned in addiction that's called geographical curing . We try to start over . We try to look for a different place to be and to reinvent ourselves . Maybe I'll be better this time . I was not . I just was a functional bulimic .

I was able to function and still engage in these behaviors , even behind my husband's back . He knew I struggled with it , but not as severely as I did . Then I got pregnant with my first daughter . I was 27 and I remember telling this baby that I promise I will never purge again . I will not do this to you . I stopped , I never did .

I stopped , but I continued to eat and the food became more and more . This drug for me and this coping . I had the baby . I was still in school . I was knee-deep in clinical stuff and rotations around LA and stress . It was stressful . Then I thought it was nice to have another baby .

I had another baby , took the safe board and passed those , had a little bit of a practice in LA before we decided , hey , we're 3,000 miles away from family and we've got two kids , let's move . We just moved with a two-year-old and a four-month-old back east , settled in Massachusetts , had a third baby . Still , I'm not purging , but I'm eating .

I'm eating and eating and eating . Then , finally , I was searching for a church to go to . We hadn't gone to church in forever . I'm a convert , so I wasn't Catholic . Yet at this point I thought to myself well , I think we should probably raise the kids in a church . Let's take them to church .

I found this Episcopal church and this priest was there , this woman and she had written a book called Holy Hunger . I read the book and it was my story . I couldn't believe it . In the book she talked about 12-step recovery as what she used to get herself help .

I picked up a 5,000-pound phone and called her , much to my chagrin , and I said I need to talk to you . This is my story .

I sat down and wept in her office and she just held me and taught me how to start with 12 steps and go to a meeting and get a sponsor and all of that stuff I did and it was wonderful , but I wasn't taking it seriously as an addiction . I really wasn't . It only worked for a certain amount of time because I wasn't fully immersed in the program .

Because that happened , I became just ashamed that I couldn't do it . I left that program and just spiraled back into eating , not purging , had a third baby in Massachusetts and then tried to figure out little ways of part-time work and then mothering and all this stuff and still very stressful .

Then finally , I entered another 12-step program and I found recovery , but my sponsor was very much like my sister . I didn't know that , but now , looking back . She spoke to me the same way , manipulated me in the same ways . I had this flashback of emotions with her and ended up my bulimia then resurfaced .

As we say in the rooms that our disease is never dormant , it's always doing push-ups in the parking lot , so it progresses as we age , whether we engage in it or not . That is exactly what it did , because where it picked up sorry it picked up where it left off and it was really scary how severe it was . I couldn't believe purging 50 times a day .

It was just like time-consuming and exhausting and life-threatening really . So this went on for maybe a year before I realized I need to go to treatment . I did . I went to a lovely treatment facility in Florida that is actually 12-step , based for eating which is rare to find for a treatment center for eating disorders and it was wonderful .

I was able to stabilize and I stayed in my program , my 12-step program , and I am still in that to this day . It's a roller coaster , I think . Not every day is a cookie cutter , but to live in recovery is much better than to live in my disease . So that's where I am today .

I have a private practice here and I'm helping all kinds of people that have PTSD and addiction and all of that .

They don't realize how helpful it can be for really any disordered attachment that we have . And that's what you had , because it was , and we don't necessarily think of like bulimia and anorexia as a drug , but it is because you're misusing it and you're using it to try to cope , to numb to whatever it is and , yeah , it can get just really out of control .

It is such a real disease that afflicts the mind and it's compulsive and it's obsessive , and so to kind of break that cycle takes a lot of work and support .

So you talked about getting help through a 12 step program . How are what are some other ways that you work to overcome this very severe trauma that you experienced ?

And I was like that's nice , whatever . And then she did again in 2021 and something , god's grace fell on me at just the right moment and got me to say , huh , well , I wonder what that's about . Let me just check it out . It's not going to do anything . I'm , you know , I'm just not going to change me .

I'll just I'll look at it and boy , that's , that was such a false statement . I it just , it floored me and it really , it just made me fall in love with Christ so much , and I never thought that I would . I would even say that it just , I just couldn't stop .

So I woke up in the morning every day at five in the morning and sat at my desk in my bedroom with my little desk light and my husband's asleep in the bed and like doing this Bible study before the kids wake up every single morning . And then one day he said , what are you doing ?

And like , at the desk every morning , like , are you , are you in a taking a class ? And I don't know about it ? And I just I hugged my , I got my Bible and I hugged it and I started weeping to him as , like , I think I want to be Catholic . And so he was like , oh my gosh , and he was raised Catholic but kind of fell away .

So the whole experience . I converted and my kids came with me willingly . They wanted to , and he reverted and it it revamped our entire faith and so I it's all that to say that I fell in love with Christ in adoration . I went to adoration and I learned what it means to be gazed at , to let , to let Jesus gaze at me .

We can go and sit and gaze at him , that's easy . We can go , look and just be . But to take our mess and allow him to look at us and hold us takes some work and I I had never encountered him like that before . So I have to say that the Eucharist is really the medicine that I found in addition to my 12 step work .

But the Eucharist is where I've found the healing from this horrible disease . Yeah , and then everything , everything Catholic , like all of the prayers , and just writing my life to put Christ first and making sure that I keep that every day . That's , that's how I have to live , one day at a time .

Still , I usually have a journal or I'm like doing some reading something or keeping my mind busy , but there's so much beauty in just like sitting .

And like you said , not just gazing upon Jesus , but having him gaze upon you and just heal those wounds and be that , that balm , and just kind of hold you in his hands , and I just love all of that and I do believe that the Eucharist is the medicine that we need and all the sacraments you know just pour into us the sacrament of reconciliation that's such

my favorite .

And then just all those graces filling you up and it does , it just feels like this warm healing balm just going through through our souls . We are so blessed as Catholics to have that we are , we are . So you mentioned to me when we were getting ready for the podcast that you've been diagnosed with complex PTSD as a result of your ongoing childhood trauma .

So can you touch on that , because I've never actually complex PTSD . And the difference is between that and just . I don't want to say regular PTSD , I always say regular I don't know , or like maybe I don't know .

It could be multiple events , but there's isolated events that are singular and someone goes through their life and something maybe triggers a memory from that specific event and they can have a flashback . That's usually a hallucinatory flashback . Sometimes it can be emotional , where they're like feel the feelings or body sensations even from that event .

And you know it takes a lot , a lot of therapy to learn how to process those feelings but also go through life in the midst of them , because they do continue to happen . So that's actually one of the things I do in my office is there's a protocol for PTSD that helps interrupt that . That response .

Complex PTSD is when there has been ongoing trauma , usually from childhood . So it's not a specific event , but it's a series of events over time and so the brain is changed because it's learning to , literally learning to survive within a war zone .

That's kind of how the brain interprets it , even if it's not like a war zone , if there's child ongoing childhood abuse , or even if , if I would say let's a child's growing up in war , that would be lead more to complex PTSD versus just .

I don't want to belittle PTSD by singular PTSD , and so with the complex PTSD the symptoms are a little bit different , where I'll just use myself as an example , like if I have an interaction with someone that they maybe say something that and they're not trying to , they'll say something or look at me a certain way , or it's all very subtle .

I can revert to what's called an emotional flashback , where I kind of take on the emotions that I was feeling at a moment , that the initial incident that made me have those feelings happened . I don't know if that makes sense .

So let's say , something happened to me when I was eight and I had very severe emotions to it , and then I'm 40 , and somebody says something and it triggers that memory somehow subconsciously , and all of a sudden I'm eight , I feel like I'm eight .

I can't articulate it , I don't know why I'm lashing out at someone or but I'm in this emotional state of an eight-year-old and so the more therapy I've done around it , the more awareness I have , like , oh , I can actually step out and be like , oh , I'm having an emotional flashback right now , like that's inconvenient , like I'm driving the kids to school , you

know , but so that's helpful to be aware of it . The difference is that there's no telling how long those flashbacks will last . So I've had them last an hour , sometimes they can last weeks , sometimes they can last months , and there's no rhyme or reason to it .

It's really how the brain is assimilating memories and , because the brain doesn't really record time the way that we do , it's thinking that everything's happening at the same time and its only job is to help me survive . So that emotional flashback is actually serving a purpose , even though it's sort of re-traumatizing me .

So , as a result , with I like to talk about complex PTSD and addictions , because I think that the mechanism of addiction really is our way of maintaining some semblance of normalcy and control .

And when we're having , if we're dealing with , any kind of past trauma that's causing these emotional flashbacks , especially if we're not aware that these flashbacks are a thing , the brain chemistry is gonna situate itself in a way that we're wanting to use so that we can numb that Cause . It's scary and it's uncomfortable and we don't know why it's happening .

And so the more awareness we bring to it , the more treatment we have for it , the more we can sort of interrupt the synapse and divert it to do something else , like , hey , let's call someone Maybe , let's pray , let's go to adoration , like other things that can fill that .

I could relate to some of the things that you were saying , and I'm sure that some people in my audience can as well , and it kind of makes us . It makes me feel like , okay , you're not so different than everybody else .

Like there's other people that experience this and of course you would turn to a substance or whatever it is to medicate , to cope to whatever it is . Of course you would do that , but now you're an adult and you need to learn .

Let's learn some healthier ways and be kinder to ourselves and things that align more with our vocation and our moral compass , basically , as well .

So , stephanie , can you talk about the challenges that especially mother space , in maintaining appearances while suffering internally ?

Because , like I shared with you before we hit record that I've known people for years and years and years , and then something will come out that they have an eating disorder or had an eating disorder , or maybe they are over drinking or whatever it is .

But they've been able to like hide it so well that and I like to think that I'm a pretty observant person , but I didn't notice it . So can you speak to that a ?

So , like for me , I'm measuring myself against my yesterday self at all times and that in a way is like unachievable because it's like I can't just keep getting better and better and better and striving for this perfection person . So society , I think , kind of I think it puts it in there a little bit to maybe inspire us to do that but it's like unattainable .

So I think moms just kind of go through this mothering life of trying to put on the face and show up as the volunteer and , yes , I can bake the thing , I can show up and bring all the clothes to the drive , I can carpool on the field trip .

Yeah , yeah , I'll do all that and they don't give themselves grace to maybe admit that they're dealing with something really horrible inside .

So they just push it down and then , when everything's over at the end of the day , they release and they find somewhere quiet and alone and they use or whatever they're doing in terms of what they're hiding , and so it is difficult to notice it . I actually , knowing myself and what I've hidden .

I start to look at other moms at the school drop off and I'm like I wonder what she's dealing with today . I wonder if she's OK , like I . Just it's hard to tell . I would say with eating disorders . For me it's not hard to tell because I can notice all the different signs , even the way somebody looks .

But for an outsider , like somebody that's maybe obsessed with their food or you can sort of see it in the way that they eat , if they're like shoveling things or they're eating like a bird , like those are like little observations . What's the difficult thing is kind of like asking a woman if she's pregnant .

We don't want to do that until she's really pregnant and showing right . So it's hard to confront someone when we , when we suspect that . But I think there's this secret longing of these women that are struggling to just have someone ask them are you OK ? Are you OK ?

And so , yeah , I think that's the conundrum we really we put on the face and the clothes and you know , we go out into the world and we're , we're there for our kids , we're sacrificial , right , like that's what we're called to do . And so why should I need help ? I should do this on my own .

There's a lot of shoulds and we hide behind that and it is a struggle for women and I wish that there was more . There was less stigma around that stuff .

Or am I imparting what I think is happening on them ? And so it's true that you can't just go up and be like I think you know you ? are drinking a little too much .

I see you struggling and this and that , but I find , at least for me , that sharing my , my struggles and just being like , oh my gosh , you know , like , if they're like , do you want to drink ? And I'm like , yeah , I left that back in my 20s , it was like that good .

And so I feel like both of us just sharing our stories in whatever natural and organic way that the spirit moves us to share with someone can be helpful , because that opens a door , and I find that as soon as I open the door , people just like flood in with the fallen , oh my gosh .

Yeah , because they're , they feel seen , they feel known and they feel safe . Yeah , yeah , and you get me and you're not going to judge me because you're right in there . So , that's why it's so important that we share our struggles with other people , so that you know putting on that facade for many , many years . I did .

I mean it was two decades that I have recovery , that I barely ever talked about it . I would mention it every once in a while , I would joke about it a little bit , but you know I never really went in depth on it until God was like girl .

So every time I tell this story , I tell my conversion story to , and I tell I get to talk about Jesus and people are just I mean , I live in Western Massachusetts . It's very blew up here very liberal , and so there's not a lot of God speak . They just don't really talk about it . But there's a lot of God hope and God want it .

I can like feel it People are seeking and so when I get to tell my story I sort of do a little plug in like , oh and , by the way , so it's a really great way to and again , like you said , people feel safe just to relate and say you know what ?

and thirsty .

Either we could recognize , maybe , or support somebody that we know is struggling , but maybe they're not ready to fully admit it yet .

about my bulimia but I'm just talking about God and my story really does kind of I mean , I wasn't always devout , I wasn't always you know this Christian that was so in love with Christ , and so I think people can relate to that too , because there's they just need to hear

that . And then they get curious oh , what books are you reading ? And then I give them recommendations . I love books and I love spiritual books . But I also think everybody's personalities are so different and so some people might love something by Fulton Sheen and some people might love Chester Tain or , you know , like CS Lewis .

So I try to like say , hey , I've had this book , you should check it out , you should check it out . And sometimes I actually hand them the book . I'll like get it for them and just , you should read this . I love Lisa Brannick Meyers . Be Still Daily Devotional .

I have given that to so many people , whether they're , you know , christians or not like I just give that to them , and that has opened so many conversations and people have shared deep things with me and they've told me I've never told anyone this in my life and so I feel so honored that people are sharing that stuff with me and so I just sort of let God

guide me about what . What person needs to hear what right now . I don't always just out with the bulimia , because I've I've done that before and I think people get like whoa , okay .

So before we close , I was just hoping that maybe you could give some advice for those women who are presenting themselves one way about our struggling and private Like where could they seek help ? How can they ?

You know , they realize that maybe it's becoming a problem , but they're not ready to really like go full force and get help , or find a 12 step program or whatever . What are some little steps that can lead to bigger steps to try to get them unstuck from that situation ?

And I think there was a lot of grace that happened with the COVID years A lot of not good stuff , but a lot of grace came down and the zoom platform has really revamped how 12 step programs have worked .

And yes , there's a lot of in person meetings , which I think are ideal , but there's a lot of zoom meetings , especially in the food groups , and so you can join in on a meeting and turn off your video if you want and just listen and see if you can relate to anybody , and if you don't , you don't , but at least you know the seed was planted there .

I really think that other people and hearing their stories is one of the best ways to find support and less isolation . But it's scary . So , of course , that's why I feel like the zoom platform can be a little bridged to sort of hey , I'm here , but not really .

I'm just getting information , but I don't want to , I don't want to talk to you like , because that's how we all feel when we first go to a meeting we don't want to talk to anybody and they all want to talk to us and it's like I don't feel , like I want to do that right now . So anorexics and bulimics anonymous is a great 12 step program .

There's also food addicts and recovery anonymous that's another really good one . And then EDA is eating disorders anonymous . So those are just three of their . There are several more food based 12 step groups , but they all have their own literature . They have their own books . You can buy one of the books and just start reading our stories in there .

You can find which ones may be relate to you and slowly and surely , if you just pray for the grace and the willingness to stay open , god will start scrubbing , scrubbing inside of that heart .

Just like starting to seek , I just feel like I always say God leaves us like these red crumbs to follow , and so , like one thing can lead to another thing can lead to another thing , and so we are so blessed with technology , like you are just mentioning , where we can just Google , like , just Google it , like , if you're not sure , google it , get that

literature , get that information that you know I didn't have any access to . And then there's also , I just mentioned , I'm not affiliated with them , but there's Catholic in recovery and they all types of .

They're great , yeah , and so they , and they address all different types of disorder , attachments and addictions , and they also have groups for those who are family members of those struggling , as well , so and they have a lot of zoom options and in person options as well .

And the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous was based off the book of James in the Bible . So there it is . I'm saying it out loud , there it is .

So thank you for mentioning that and I do love that book . He did a great job on that . So , yeah , good , all right , stephanie , thank you so much for being here , and can you just share where people can find out more about you and anything ? Just share away anything you want my list .

right now .

I am the Catholic sobriety coach , and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about the coaching that I offer , visit my website , thecatholicsobrietycoachcom . Follow me on Instagram at theCatholic sobriety coach . I look forward to speaking to you next time , and remember I am here for you , I am praying for you . You are not alone .