Ep 39: Finding Calm in the Holiday Rush with Productivity Coach Amber Curtis

I'm a wife , mom and a joy-filled Catholic , and I am the Catholic Subriety Coach , and I am so glad you're here . All right , welcome back to the Catholic Subriety Podcast . So today I have my guest , amber Curtis , phd . She founded Solutions for Simplicity to help overwhelmed moms make more time for who and what they love .

Amber is a professor by day and a productivity coach by night , and a devoted Catholic mom of four busy boys . Amber knows all too well how challenging it is to juggle all the things . I think we can relate .

It can be a lot , but after becoming suicidal from the stress of keeping up with her demanding job while raising young kids , she applied her academic research skills to figure out what's scientifically shown to help you do more , stress less and be happier . Amber shares all her insights in the hopes that other moms never feel as hopeless as she did .

So I just want to thank you , amber , so much for being here and welcome Hi .

So , amber , can you tell us a little bit about your journey and how you became a productivity coach for women ?

That ended up being career doors opening and I got this amazing tenure-track job . We moved across the country and I found out I was pregnant a week after accepting my contract and that was the most incredible blessing .

But I was completely naive and unprepared for the stress and the exhaustion and just the emotional pull I would feel trying to keep up with my job , on which my family depended for my income , while wanting to be the best mom and wife I could be .

And I found myself just spiraling because all of my old productive habits , all of my former ways of doing things didn't fit my new season of life . And in retrospect I can see how a lot of my personality and my old perfectionist tendencies , my desire to to achieve great things like that , really compounded and made the stress so much worse .

But I just felt so stuck that I ended up suicidal and thankfully my husband and my mother intervened and eventually I just kind of had that waking up moment where I realized there had to be things within my control that I could change to help myself better manage it all . I don't love the term work-life balance because I don't think there's any such thing .

It's really more about optimizing what you are doing in every single moment , and I turned my academic research towards trying to figure out how to get more done in the limited time I have , how to harness my energy so that I could do my most important work when I was most physically and cognitively able to do it .

And the more that these tactics changed my life , the more inspired I felt to share what I've learned the hard way and through my research with anyone that is looking for those same kinds of tips . So I started coaching , I started Solutions for Simplicity almost four years ago now and it's been a slow journey .

It's been a beautiful side endeavor that I am increasingly just falling in love with , because I hope that my experience helps and reaches the right people . I love working with clients and I just see the commonalities across all of these different situations where , whether we work , whether we stay at home , really no matter what is going on .

We get stressed out , and that stress , if unmanaged , leads us to do things that are not in our best interest .

They're not what God wants for us , that's not the life that God has in mind , and so we just end up again kind of in that place of despair , and I want to equip women with real solutions for simplifying their life , taking control of their time and then really being the woman that they are meant to be .

There's just a lot coming at us all the time , and most of the women that listen to my podcast , they are struggling with a disordered attachment to alcohol , at whatever level that is , and a lot of times it's not alcohol that is the problem .

It's what's being used as the solution to these deeper issues , which is why I love the work that you do so much , because you're getting to the heart of it and getting to the root of it , and I'm a researcher at heart too .

I'm not a PhD or professor or anything , but I love finding out as much information about things as possible , and so it takes a lot of time . But what you and I can do for women is use our research and our love for that and our insatiable desire to find out more and how to create systems or make things easier , provide tips .

We can share that in a way that makes it really easy and manageable for women so they don't have to do that . So it's a shortcut right that we get to give them , and I love that .

But I think when women reach that point where they are just tired of carrying the mental load , they're tired of being stressed , they're tired of feeling like a failure , they're tired of turning to all of these external things for validation and fulfillment , when they are finally ready to open their eyes and realize that they could be so much happier if they took

care of themselves , if they dealt with their emotions , if they separated their productivity from their self-worth , all of these things . It's just there's so many layers and again , it's been so transformative for me . I love seeing other women go on that same journey .

So , with that in mind , can you share some practical strategies or tips so that women can manage their time and their tasks more effectively during the holiday season , so that this can reduce their stress and overwhelm , because we don't want to feel that during the holidays . We want to feel joy and peace and happiness .

And as women we are a little more emotional and we are so receptive to how others are doing and how they are feeling , and so there's just so much that compounds this time of year , not only because of how much there is to do , but because there are other people that might be struggling , or you know , we're encountering people that maybe we don't see on a

regular basis , and there's just so much all wrapped up in this . Before I get into practical tips for preparing for the holidays and and just going into it with you know the intention to be mindful and joyful I of course want to underscore that stress is so prevalent in our lives these days .

There have been a bunch of studies that are showing that stress levels are at an all time high . Of course , after the pandemic it's , it's kind of just reached a peak that hasn't subsided very much . So if you are struggling and if you are feeling stressed out just in general , let alone before the holidays , please not alone .

We do want to differentiate between the the rigorous , everyday kind of stress and then the big emotional and life altering stressors of losing a loved one or having , you know , some big thing going on . Stress comes in all kinds of different forms . I know you must talk on a regular basis about that , but we are .

We're just trying to equip women with ways of acknowledging how they feel and making space for dealing with their stress , instead of just shoving it aside or turning to a coping mechanism like alcohol or shopping or you know whatever it is to to push away their feelings .

And again , if you are feeling stressed out , just take some time now and give yourself a lot of greats , because you have been doing so much , you've probably been pushing yourself so hard and it's possible that you've never even really realized why you have this compulsion to do so much or to perform at a certain level , to have the perfectly kept house , to have

the perfect holiday . It's it's a lot of pressure that we either put on ourselves or that we have internalized from external messages over the years .

And you know , there's just again so many levels of how your early childhood experiences and your personality have shaped you into the woman you are and everything that you do now filters that , those things , so that if you're not aware of your weaknesses or the traits that might make you more susceptible to getting stressed out , you could feel a lot more stress

this time of year , if that makes sense . So that some very practical tips that I would love to share are to really think about how you want to feel by the end of the year . What do you want this upcoming holiday season to feel like , let alone what it looks like .

But just you know , I think most women would say they want to feel that calm , that calm , that joy that you mentioned at the beginning . I think we want to feel connected to those around us . We want to feel comforted by loved ones and surrounded by others who are at peace . But there's so much we can't control . So first think through how you want to feel .

Secondly , brainstorm the kinds of things that are and are not within your control to affect as we go into the holidays .

Again , you might be having a gathering with people that you've tended to feel uncomfortable around in the past , or who might have different viewpoints than you , or who who don't appreciate what you might be going through , and you want to just prepare yourself for those kinds of things , so that you're less likely to get stressed in that moment .

And then my big emphasis is always on how we manage our tasks , because those two do lists are never , never ending , and so I think it's kind of comical how long my to do lists get and what I've learned over the years

. What really inspired me to start this business was trying to come up with a system for prioritizing our tasks , because on paper I mean , if we even put our tasks on paper a lot of my clients really don't have a good to do list system .

So that's kind of step number one get things out of your head and down on paper , even things that would seem really simple like a paper .

Or you know , pick out outfits for a holiday family photo that you can make a Christmas card with , or something like that , whatever applies to you , but get everything out of your head down on paper and then when you look at that list , everything looks equally important .

And it's so crucial that we step back and take charge of ourselves and our minds , because that is , of course , not true .

It's really easy to prioritize the things that are quick and fun or relatively easy or that have a hard deadline , things we feel pressure to do because others are expecting something from us , but of course those things , those urgent tasks , are rarely the really important ones .

So I developed a five system or five how do I call this like a framework that I call the five D's for helping women prioritize their tasks .

And it's just been so helpful for me to sift through my many , many tasks and then figure out exactly where to start to get the most done and then again be making traction on the big , important things you have to do . So the five D's are what can you drop , what can you defer , what can you delegate ? What can you dumb down ?

Meaning doesn't have to be done at the best of your ability , what you know , if you still have to do it , it's got to be done by you , has to be done now . What can you just hurry up and let good be good enough , instead of striving for perfection ? And then the fifth and most important thing is what must absolutely be done ?

Well , and those are the things , the things that only you can do , the things that you do want to put your best energy into . That's where you start .

I'm like that is me with my to-do list , or , you know , I'll put little things like by wrapping paper , and then I love it because maybe I already did it and I put it on there just like yes , I do too . I don't know if you meet women like that .

But I'm like I just need to check it off , but I really think that that's going to be helpful for so many women . And I loved , I really love , like your 5Ds , that as you're talking , I'm like , oh yeah , how can't you know ? I think being able to categorize those things is a great way to break that to-do list down .

So , if I'm understanding , it's kind of like just brain dump . Everything you can think of , that's taking up space in your mind and then take that list and categorize it . Is that kind of your method ?

And I would imagine for a lot of tasks , especially when it comes to getting ready for the holidays , there's a lot of things that we would love to have . For instance , I always say I'd love to take my kids to this little holiday Santa's village , and wouldn't that be great .

But in reality , with my four little ones and everything else going on , there have been a lot of years that I've just needed to set that aside . So does this absolutely have to get done Then ? Does this absolutely have to get done now ? What can you postpone until after the holidays ?

What can you set aside for a little bit to make more time and space in your current calendar for the more important things ? Does this absolutely have to get done by me ? So many of us women are afraid to ask for help . We think that we would be imposing on other people .

We are afraid of looking weak if we can't somehow do it all , but the reality is that we need help and we are giving other people a chance to contribute and serve their mission when we delegate to them .

And I've , of course , found this to be more true than ever with my husband and just sharing so many responsibilities that I need help with and that we can work together on , and it's again just my personal example of ways that I've learned to ask for help to free up more of my precious time and energy for the things that only I can do and that need to be

done to the best of my ability . So next thing would be again what can you just hurry up and be done with , and then what is truly most important ?

And as you're talking , I'm thinking there's something I always make my family get into the van and then we go to a coffee shop and we get hot chocolate or coffee or whatever and we go look at Christmas lights . I will make my family do this . If it's raining , if everybody is getting car sick , if everybody is complaining , why do I do that ?

Why do I do that ? So it's one of those things where your 5Ds I can say is this important ? Does everybody want to do it ? Am I even going to enjoy it at the end of the day ?

And then I also loved how we're talking about delegating , because we do a lot of times think that we're the only ones that are going to get it done and we're going to get it done perfectly , but then we aren't giving others an opportunity to be a blessing or to have a hand in it either .

So like , let's say , cookies , like I have teenagers , I could say why don't you know , I'd like to have some Christmas cookies , we'd like to have some cookies , maybe to take to the neighbors . Do I really have to do that ? No , they're 16 years old .

They could probably make some cookies and do a really good job and feel a sense of accomplishment , you know , in being able to do that and provide that for , you know , our friends and family and whatnot .

So I think that those are all solid ideas and I'm hoping that the women listening , that their creative wheels are turning too , and that they're able to think about ways that they can , like you said , either delegate it or , you know , even ditch it if it's something that they think that their family has to have .

And then , you know , when the kids grow up , they're like , oh my gosh , you used to make us do this every year .

And , on the one hand , I'm very adamant that we should never use time as an excuse , because there is always time for what is most important to you . You are in control of your time and , yes , our circumstances are different . There are seasons of life where you have more or less time at your disposal .

But we all have these 168 hours of the week and we need to be intentional with how we are using them . But that's never going to be enough to do anything and everything our brains are offering us . So we are going to feel pressure from others , we're going to feel pressure from ourselves .

We have to be very thoughtful about what we choose to do with the time that we have , and that's where we can combat our stress .

When you come to a place of peace , knowing that you can say no , you are choosing to do something more important than something less important , and you come to accept that others may disagree with your choice , but you know you're being true to yourself and what God is calling you to do . It's so empowering .

And I guess , turning back to holiday tips , there is going to be no shortage of parties and activities or events and things we could do to fill up the holiday season . And I always laugh because when I was a little girl , when I was a teenager , really was when it kind of became an issue .

But my mom had this tradition of having what she called a Constitution night and once a week she made us well . She had us have a set day where we weren't allowed to go out , we couldn't have anyone over and we just had to stay home and rest . And of course we could do fun things and we got really creative with that time .

But I fought her on it so viciously in my teenage years because I didn't want to miss out on anything and in retrospect I just think that was so brilliant , because we are not machines and your energy naturally waxes and wanes anyway on the basis of so many different energy rhythms and so forth , but then , all the more during the holidays , there's so much that

you could or should do and you have the power to decide when enough is enough and you've got to build in that blank space those days or at least hours in between events , so that you can rest , so that you can catch up , so that you're not feeling the pressure .

How many times have we committed to something and then later regretted that decision and either wanted to cancel or actually canceled ? And it's just so important ahead of the holidays that we maybe limit ourselves to how much we are going to do , above and beyond just celebrating , the real reason for this season .

So , as the holiday season approaches , what are some I don't know , maybe some things that people can look for , like within them , like as they're looking at themselves and examining what they're doing and why they're doing something and categorizing it .

But what are some things that might be , I don't know , maybe an indicator that they are just overwhelmed and that they may over-drink , over-eat , over-spend , over-scroll , over-post a gazillion pictures that their family is like . Do we have to take another picture ?

What are some things that they can look for before it goes over that line that would help them to be able to kind of just pause and take that time for themselves .

We often have , of course , physical signs , first and foremost , where our body feels so tense , your neck and shoulders might get very stressed and tight . Often we would get a headache .

You might feel exhausted , even though you've got plenty of sleep , or you might have trouble sleeping because you're up and anxious and thinking of all of these things that you need to do . You might start to have some stomach discomfort . That's a really big sign of stress . And then , of course , emotionally , we might tend to feel really discouraged .

We might tend to kind of push ourselves away from other people and withdraw and not want to talk about how we're feeling .

We might relationally experience distance , where people kind of make comments that we are acting crazy or snipping and making rude comments that we're nagging or something like that , and that was just again something that I really found myself doing when I was so stressed . Without even realizing it , I was kind of projecting my stress onto everyone else around me .

And another great classic example , especially if you have young kids , is that if you see your children start to act out a little bit more , if they are more unsettled , wow , is it amazing how our emotional stability as mothers really governs the emotional well-being of the entire household .

And so if you notice that others in your family are starting to feel anxious or have behavioral issues come up , that could be a really big sign that maybe we are not as present and well as we need to be .

And then , logistically , if you find that you are constantly running late , if you find that others are making comments about how you might have used to been able to do certain things , or you're not performing at the level you used to hopefully no one is telling you these kinds of things , and we are often our own worst critics , but there are just a lot of

signs that we are taking on too much and we are caring too much about them , about these things , especially to the point of attaching our value and self-worth to the outcome of these tasks , that we are believing the false lie that we will be better , we will be good enough when we have the perfect holiday , when these things are done when everyone else is happy

couldn't be farther from the truth . You are wonderful and worthy and made in the image and likeness of God , exactly as you are . He loves you , and the rest really doesn't matter .

There is truth to that in that they can kind of take on our stress , or maybe we're not as present as we normally are , and I think that all of those indicators are going to be very helpful for women as they proceed through the holiday season .

She said that God never pressures us , and anytime we are feeling pressure we need to stop because clearly that is not from God . It is instead from the evil one who would love nothing more than to take us away from the peace we have .

And as someone who has struggled with feeling pressure my whole life the pressure to perform and pressure to please , and pressure to do all the things and be able to do them so perfectly I just feel like I'm on a whole new journey now since she said that and I would love to encourage your listeners to keep that in mind that the moment they start feeling

pressure , they need to really take a deeper look and stop and pray and then go back to evaluate which of these things that I feel I have to do absolutely has to get done .

Like the evil one he like is , we are under spiritual attacks , especially during these times when we are supposed to be , you know , like reflecting on the Lord , or what is the meaning of what we're going through right now , or what you know , this family togetherness , like . We just want to have that peace and love and everything for our family .

But then there's , like the contention that comes in , that causes tries to cause division , tries to cause confusion , tries to cause chaos , and so I love that and that is a great thing to keep in mind . Is that from God or is that not from God ? And if it's pressure , then it's not . I love that . I think that that's so good .

So you shared a few tips on how to stay calm in the hustle and bustle of the holidays . Do you have any other tips on when you are starting to feel those symptoms come up , of things that women can do to just kind of calm themselves and get really clear and confident around what they're doing ?

We don't like feeling that stress and pressure , and even subconsciously we know that something is wrong , but we wanna push away that negative feeling and cover it up with something that's gonna make us feel good and happy , and so we might turn to these things that really aren't good for us and they're not gonna help us deal with our true feelings and find the

piece that we need .

It's amazing how the research shows that women are so much more likely to turn to alcohol when stressed than men are and I know you talk about this constantly on your podcast and work with your clients on this but the things that will help to decrease stress , so that we're not turning to alcohol , are the regular recommendations of getting good sleep , exercising ,

eating real , healthy food , keeping your blood sugar up so you don't get way too hungry . And journaling is so important to just go and get your thoughts out , of course , if you can , going to mass or sitting in adoration and just pouring your heart out to the Lord .

I mean , there's really no greater therapy than that and having someone you can talk to , someone that will listen and make honest suggestions without judgment but truly help you to maybe see things from a different perspective , that's so great .

I can't speak highly enough about just surrounding yourself with community and like-minded women who understand the same kinds of stress you are under .

Because , again , if we don't acknowledge our stress , if we don't deal with it and process it , then we are just gonna allow it to keep kind of ruling our lives and leading us to do things that we really don't wanna do , things that aren't in our best interest .

So we have to give ourself permission to feel bad or feel the negative emotions associated with that stress , but then dig deeper and realize that it doesn't have to be that way .

I think that's a great thing for anyone who . That is helpful for eating right , exercise , and , yeah , I think that that does help prevent us from turning to those other things .

I like to tell women , too , to like make a list of those things that fill your cup , like all of those things that you can just kind of look to when you're like , oh , it would just be easy to have a glass of wine or eat that cupcake that I don't need . Or scroll on my phone what kinds of things do I love to do ?

I love to go for a run I don't personally like to run , but there are lots of women that do or I like to have a bath , or give myself a facial or journal or read or whatever that is , and so I find that , for my clients , having that list prepared ahead of time which is what we're talking about right Is being prepared and so we can be productive and

less stressed . Having that list prepared ahead of time , I feel like , is a really great way to say like okay , I'm feeling these feelings , I recognize these symptoms of stress , of overwhelm , of anxiety .

I need to call myself , center myself with prayer , invite God in and then choose something that is healthy and that's going to feed me instead of deplete me in the long run .

That's why we turn to these other things is because we're trying to quiet that horrible inner voice telling us that we are so bad because of being unable to do what we thought we could and that's not the truth . So we've got to acknowledge and just again make space for that voice , but say and quickly retaliate and tell ourselves that that's not true .

We know what our brain is trying to do . It's trying to keep us safe with these thoughts of feeling scared or anxious or like we're not good enough . But that's not what we need to hold on to .

Even after the holidays , you can provide , you can employ some of these techniques , your 5Ds and all of that into just your everyday . But especially during the holidays , when everything just seems can seem so overwhelming , I think being able to take time to process and organize and have a little bit of a system for clarity is going to be so super helpful .

So before we close , amber , is there anything else that you would like to mention ? Where can women find you Any resources you have ? The floor is yours .

That is just my tried and true productivity method where you take certain kinds of tasks that are relatively similar in nature and you batch them together in the same time block and then you have different hours of your day or different days of the week , however .

It works for you where you're doing similar kinds of things in that same window and it helps you get so much more done because you avoid the switching costs of going back and forth between different activities .

Another great method is that if you don't have large chunks of time to devote to something , then just try and break it up and do a little bit at a time . I'm thinking in my mind right now of wrapping presents and how many nights , how many Christmas Eve's I have been up till all hours of the night trying to finish wrapping things .

And you know , in in the best case scenario , maybe I would have been done with with shopping and ready to wrap much sooner and I could have different nights working a little bit at a time , but you know , whatever it is for you , there are just so many ways in which you can use your time and feel good about that , and I just I love equipping women with

tips and strategies that match their season of life . I guess that's the final message I just want to leave everyone with is the fact that your productivity is in no way determinant of how wonderful and worthy you are , and there are genuinely seasons of life where you are more or less able to do certain things .

The more you can honor that , the better you will be , because , however unproductive , however unfulfilled you feel right now , however much you're struggling to keep up , please know that it's not going to last forever and , yes , there are solutions that can help you do more , stress less , be happier , but it's it's your choice and the season will change .

We don't feel that way in the moment , but it's coming . I have a lot of resources that I share on my website solutions for simplicitycom . I have a YouTube channel .

If you just go and search solutions for simplicity on YouTube , I have a channel where I think 170 something videos up there on planning , productivity , purposeful living , and then I have put together a special life assessment that I call signs you need to simplify your life , and it runs through 35 different warning signs that you might be feeling too crazy , your ,

your life might be getting out of control , and then equips you with tailored recommendations for productivity and just kind of general mental health solutions so that you feel better and can make those changes . So that could be accessed at b , I , t , dot , l , y , slash signs C , w , and I'm sure you'll put a link in the show notes or something like that .

Or if you go to my website , there's another link there as well . Thank you so much , christie .

I just want to say , when you said like under plan , like my brain love that . It was like yes , under plan , because then you can just always , you know , plug things in . So you had so many amazing tips . I can't wait to check out your YouTube channel because I haven't seen it yet , and thank you so very much for being here .

It has been such a blessing , amber .

I am the Catholic sobriety coach , and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about the coaching that I offer , visit my website , the catholic sobriety coach dot com . Follow me on Instagram at the Catholic sobriety coach .

I look forward to speaking to you next time and remember I am here for you , I am praying for you , you are not alone .