Ep 38: Celebrate not Sabotage w/ guest Denise Jelinek

I'm a wife , mom and a joy-filled Catholic , and I am the Catholic Sobriety coach , and I am so glad you're here , welcome back . So today I have Denise Jelenick . She's a friend of the program , she's on here every once in a while and today she is going to tell us how we can celebrate and not sabotage this holiday season .

So the holiday season is notorious for being a time when we overdo everything , right , we overspend , we over eat , we over drink , and it can cause a lot of stress and chaos in our lives .

So , at least for me and , I know , for all of you listening the thought of being able to have more peace and joy and actually , you know , enjoy the holiday season without worrying about maybe those 10 extra pounds that we're going to gain . And actually , denise , you say we can even maybe lose weight during the holiday season , which sounds amazing .

Yeah , so I think that sounds great and I want to hear more about that .

Well , we can say look at a situation that feels like we might be dreading . And a lot of people dread the holidays because of the stress whether it's the mental or the physical stress that it puts on us . Right , we're not sleeping as much , we just have all of these hangups and drama about gifts and food and parties and all of that .

But I think there's that emotional stress that comes from the holidays too , especially when we're over drinkers or over eaters , that we just dread that we're gonna fall into those holes again . Right , we're gonna fall into the same patterns that we've done before . And the only reason why we dread the holidays is because we haven't learned a different way to live .

We haven't learned a different way to handle these situations . We haven't learned a way that we can really show up for ourselves and trust that things can be different . And so that sounds beautiful and it sounds , you know , sort of out there , philosophical , like oh well , yeah , that makes sense . I just have to , like , do things differently .

Well , yeah , that's kind of it , but I want to give you a little bit more practical solutions than that . One of the my favorite things about the work that I do is you know , the Lord is very powerful , but our human side needs to be directed . Our human side needs something to work on .

Our human side kind of needs a structure to follow so that we can actually align our will with the Lord's . So it's practical solutions and relying on the Lord . And today , what I want to help your audience know is how to enjoy the holidays and the way that we do . That is a very simple process . There's three steps to it .

Is we first identify where we've been tripped up before . That might be Thanksgiving dinner , and you can do this on a week by week basis where you say , oh , I've got a party this weekend . How do I want to handle this ? You know I'm doing it . By the time this airs it will be after the workshop that I'm doing .

That's how to celebrate the holidays without sabotage , but it pretty much goes like this we identify a situation that's tripped us up in the past , where we've overeaten before , where we over drank before , where we ended up in a big fight with somebody . It's just tripped us up and we analyze it . We just say , hey , what's really going on here ?

And the way that I like to do that is to it's a process I've talked about here before is we just step back and look at it like we're watching a movie and although the process were proactively making plans instead of reactively making plans , but you can pretty much guess the way things have gone before . So if you had to guess , step back and look at it .

Maybe you can replay what the situation looked like last year , for example . If it's Thanksgiving and you're going to the same place you can look at , you probably know the people that are gonna be there . You know what the table's gonna look like , you know who's gonna say what .

You guys , the majority of the , the majority of situations that we get into around family , we act so surprised when someone acts a certain way and we do the same thing with our kids , don't we ? We're like I can't believe they did duh , duh , duh . But if I gave you half a million dollars you could have predicted they would have done that .

Human beings just act in the same way . Your crazy uncle is gonna say the same things , your husband's gonna say the same thing back to them . They're gonna get in this political conversation . You can kind of already guess how things are gonna go .

And so when you step back , though , and you look at the whole scenario , you look at what's happening a few hours before , kind of just play it out in your head like a movie . How are you feeling what's happening ? What are you thinking ? Where are we physically ? Who else is there Emotionally ? What's going on for me ?

But when you can step back from it like a movie , you can kind of see oh yeah , that's what really tripped me up . I'm so uncomfortable with that conversation my husband and my uncle have together . I just feel so uncomfortable . I'm like pour me some more wine , I'll go to the dessert table .

But you can start to see where you're having emotionally charged nests , let's say . Or you can feel like , oh , I'm uncomfortable , like maybe it's after dinner and you have one piece of pie , and then you're so bored because you just wanna go home , so you have another piece of pie .

You can start to see the situations that lead you to either over-drinking or overeating . And the second piece . So after we watch the movie , you find what the real issue is . Oh , I'm just really bored after dinner . I hate playing those stupid games . I just really hate playing the games . So I ask for another beer . It'll make it more fun .

You just sort of really see , like , when do things tend to go just a little bit south and what's the real issue there ? I'm just bored . I'm done being around people . I'm so uncomfortable . I'm done having this conversation . The last thing I wanna do is help clean up the kitchen . So I'm gonna go outside and drink beer with the men .

Whatever it is , just start to see , well , what's the real issue . And once you can see what the real issue is , you can solve for it and make a plan . All right , listen , I hate cleaning up the kitchen , but I'm gonna give myself 15 minutes and then I'm gonna excuse myself to go do blah , blah , blah .

Listen , I'm gonna give myself permission to not play this game , or I'm gonna play one round and then that's it , and then give myself permission to step out and go do something else . You just decide how you wanna handle that . You know what , when my uncle and my husband get into that conversation , I'm just gonna leave the room . In fact , maybe I won't even .

Maybe , if it happens . You guys , this is how creative you get to be If you know that your uncle and your husband just cannot help but have this political conversation at dinner and it always happens at Thanksgiving dinner you don't have to sit by them , what you can go , sit by the kids if you wanted .

You can choose to sit by whoever you want at Thanksgiving dinner .

So , once you solve for it and you make a plan , I'll tell you about a plan that I recently did , and then the last thing that you have to do is to just support yourself to follow through . So I recently went to a party , and it's so interesting .

I went to a party , everything was fine , but when I got home , I was in my kitchen and I have a rule that I don't stand and eat . Well , I had this thing in the crock pot . It was pulled pork and it was totally done , and it was the nice time to pull the pork with some you know , some pork with a fork , and I'm like , oh , this looks so good .

So I took a bite and then I took another bite and then I was like , oh , denise , you're standing and eating and that's one of my safe eating rules . So one of the things I teach women is that sometimes it's not the food that trips us up , but it's these behaviors .

And I'll tell you , I'm never mindfully eating standing , I'm often not and so I noticed , oh , I'm doing one of those chaos behaviors . So I put the food in a bowl and then I went to go sit down to eat it , but it was still like that's odd , denise , you weren't hungry . What was going on ?

And so when I watched it like a movie , I got to see a couple things that were happening . I saw that when I got home .

I hadn't really had any alone time and I like to do because I'm an introvert , so I like to book and social events , with quiet time before and quiet time after , and because I'm an emotional eater , I usually bookend the after piece with I'm going to journal , I'm going to be quiet , I'm just going to put my jammies on and just be all alone .

Right , everybody else can go to bed , but I'm going to stay up and have my quiet time and I also typically have a pre made snack for myself . That doesn't mean that I can't eat snacks . I have a rule that I can't eat like desserts at parties , but for me that's just like a lot of mind drama .

I would much rather just like drink coffee or like hang out at the party and know that I have this pre made snack that I'm going to have when I get home . It just feels very calm , it feels very in control . And guess what ?

I didn't play in my quiet time , I didn't have my pre made snack and I was having some mind drama because my husband and I went to the party on edge a little bit with each other , although that was resolved afterward , or it was resolved like during it . There wasn't really anything , but I still felt like a little edgy about it .

But when I step back and I look at that movie I'm like , oh my gosh , look at these three things , these things . And then I , so I made myself , I identified , I found the real issue . The real issue is that I hadn't planned time for myself . The real issue is that I hadn't addressed the situation with my husband .

The real issue is that I didn't have a plan snack . The other thing was I was standing in the kitchen , which I also . Have a rule that I don't really hang out in my kitchen after eight o'clock Because then I'm just standing and eating . I like , what am I doing in my kitchen ? I never cook it . So how can I solve and make a plan ?

It just made a protocol . It's called a protocol . It just says when I have social time , what am I going to do and not do ? And part of that is I'm going to schedule that when I get home I've already pre made my snack and I'm going to throw my jam jams on and I'm going to go get my journal and I'm just going to chill out with myself .

So I've already decided ahead of time how this is going to go . And then the last part is to support and follow through . So on the day of the party , do I have my pre made snack made ?

You know , if you're here and it comes down to things like this , if you find that you have a pattern of over drinking , well , are you bringing something to the party that you like ? That ? isn't alcohol , like , just bring a six pack of soda or something .

That's not saying don't drink , but do you have something that's exciting , that after you've had one drink or two or whatever you decide you can have instead ? Or you can decide not to drink soda earlier and then have your glass of wine later . I have one client of mine who really enjoys having wine with her husband and it's so funny .

They were doing something for his birthday and she said I'm going to have two glasses of wine . I might have one at the restaurant and one after dinner . But she also feels a lot of anxiety around meals with her children For some reason . We haven't looked at that much , but the point is that she just knows she feels anxiety .

So she's like I think I just want to have two glasses of wine with my husband when I get home . Great , you just decide how you want this to go and then you support yourself .

You know like first preparing , looking at what , what's going to happen , what's like the worst case scenario that could happen , and then start to kind of like formulate a plan around that . Like my dad , my husband and my uncle getting like this fight , what am I going to do ?

Like they're yelling at each other at Thanksgiving dinner , they're throwing mashed potatoes , then what am I going to ? What am I going to do ?

You know , just like go there and then whatever happens after , that is going to be so much easier because you've already kind of planned for the hardest thing that you can imagine that might happen and then you have that in mind . So then when things happen , like you said , you have like your plan , you have your protocol . Love the idea .

I say this all the time because people are like how do I go to an event , especially like a holiday party , and not drink when everyone else is drinking ?

Yeah and it's just what you said decide in advance , I'm going to have one , I'm going to have to , and then really look at that when do you want to have those drinks , how do you want to feel before you have those drinks ?

Or you know and and think about that , people don't think about us non drinkers or those who don't want to drink less , and so there's not always great non alcoholic options in certain parties or events There'll be , like here's a soda .

well , I don't like soda , so I'm not going to drink soda and I really don't want water , because I drink water all day , and so I kind of just want something special that I , like you know , wouldn't necessarily get for myself on a regular basis . And so , you know , non alcoholic beverages are great .

There's like all kinds of beers and wines and champagne and spirits that you can get . You can make mocktails that don't have anything in it other than you know sparkling water or sparkling something with some added flavorings , and you just make it look pretty and fun and put it in a pretty glass .

But just preparing and having that with you ahead of time is so liberating because you're not having to depend on someone else and you know exactly what you're going to do in that situation . And you asked me like , what is something big that happens for women during , you know , the holidays ?

It happens all the time , but especially during the holidays You're getting together with people and maybe your family are drinkers , like they're big drinkers , and that's just what you do as a family . But now you have decided , like my client has decided , that you know it's causing chaos for her . She's not drinking the way she likes anymore .

She really wants to cut back , maybe even not drink at all , or save it for reserve that for very certain special occasions . But yet then she has the pressure of family and friends who she normally , you know , drinks with and gives into saying what , do you have a drinking problem now ? Or why aren't you drinking and it ?

I don't know why it is , but with alcohol and food people kind of tend to want to push that on us and even when we're like no , there'll be like , oh , it's , it's Thanksgiving , have a , have whipped cream on your pumpkin pie and you're like , no like . I'm not doing that today .

One of the things that helps me especially early in recovery was no thank you is a complete sentence , and saying no thank you , yeah , but it's Thanksgiving . Oh thank you . Well , what's wrong ? Don't you have a drinking problem ? Oh , I just don't want to Thank you . And I remember someone said to me .

He said if someone keeps pushing alcohol or food on you , who's the one with the problem Exactly ? And that just made me like kind of chuckle to myself and just let me feel really calm about being able to say no thank you and no thank you . And and I've worked with clients before because they have talked about the wine pusher Gosh , what's this cat's name ?

Some , some man at this party this one of my clients was all like and then this guy's going to come and he's going to offer me some wine and blah , blah , blah , and she just felt so obligated and we talked about how Ted the wine pusher , he's going to go find someone else If you keep saying no , thank you . No , thank you , I thought that was hilarious .

And then I went to my family's party I know this isn't like your client , but I was like , oh my gosh , I was the only one drinking Like I thought everyone was drinking like all day . Isn't that crazy ? That is .

The other thing that I noticed about myself was because when you're sober , you become very aware and I become very aware of , like , the people who are standing around just like eating five , six , seven , eight cookies , and I'm like , oh , are they uncomfortable ? I wonder what's going on for them .

And I gave myself permission to just check in with my feelings and be like , oh , I'm just really uncomfortable or , oh , I feel really left out right now . I had no idea , christy , that I really believed that ingesting the same substance or food as another person , I believed it helped me bond with that person .

Because , I'll tell you , I had a lot of mind drama when my family , when I got into food recovery because that was a big thing was food , food , food , food , food , food . And then it's kind of like who do you think you are ? I mean that's what I was afraid they would be thinking , right , oh , you don't want that , was you know ?

Oh , now you're like on this diet .

And no one said that to me , but it was interesting that that was in my brain and I got a chance to realize that I was making self-care decisions based on what I thought other people but what I thought were other people's opinions and I thought but this is one thing that really helped me too is I'm the one that has to put my head on my pillow at night .

So if I choose to have the fifth glass of wine , if I choose to not bring soda , if I choose to accept that second piece of pie that the food pusher is pushing on me . I'm the one that has to put my head on my pillow at night . I'm the one who has to live with that .

And that just really helped me have not a righteous anger , but let's call it a righteous anger where I was like , oh heck , no , and I just felt so much more protective of myself . Yeah , I'm not gonna do that to you , denise , I love you too much . We're not doing that .

We've done that too often and the only reason I would do that is because of a momentary discomfort of having to say no , and it's gonna be uncomfortable for maybe like three minutes , that's all it is is just a feeling of being uncomfortable .

But when we say no , and then you don't have to say no , I'm not saying you have to say no , I just saying just love your reason . When we do what we know we want , like long-term want , we get to live with that joy and that pride , and I mean like a real , like oh wow , I totally accessed the Holy Spirit's strength there .

We get to live with that for hours and days afterwards . But that momentary five , 10 minutes of being uncomfortable , and heck , that only lasts five or 10 minutes . But here's the other truth , christy , what if it's uncomfortable for five hours ? It's only five hours .

I've gone into social events , especially early in recovery , and I was like , all right , we got this . It's three hours , it's four hours , it's five hours . Denise , you can do this . We're gonna find somebody to talk to who needs us . We're gonna help in the kitchen . We're gonna distract ourselves .

We're just going to , like , make sure that we are of service here , and the best way to be of service is just to distract yourself . There's one other thing I wanted to tell you about early in recovery .

I remember the very first holiday I was hosting at my house . I was in food recovery and I was in alcohol recovery , which meant I couldn't overeat and I couldn't drink . And I was talking to a friend of mine and I said oh my gosh , this is just so much . How am I going to do this ?

And she said , denise , food and alcohol have never been the problem , they've just been your solution . And I remember being like , oh , and it just really tuned my eyes to what is the real problem . Oh , denise , you think you're in charge of everyone having fun .

You're not the fund maker , you're just the house , you're just the venue , you're just putting food out . And it really helped me see where I was taking on responsibility and putting pressure on myself . That wasn't even mine to have . And I was like , oh , that's why I feel so much pressure . Oh , and that just really helped me .

So I really invite everyone to just say , hey , if we are feeling pressure to eat or drink , it's really not the problem , we're just feeling uncomfortable . What's the real problem ?

At least I do Like with my kids it's like I want them to remember this and I'm going to do all these things , and then sometimes I do way more than they even want me to do because they don't really care about it as much as I care about it , because I'm like they have to have this particular memory and it has to go just like that .

And so we place all this pressure on ourselves . And then to cope with that pressure and escape that feeling of anxiety around what if it doesn't turn out like I want it to ? What if they have a bad memory because something goes wrong with it or I don't know ?

And then we over-indulge in whatever it is I don't drink anymore , but it would have been if I did or it may be eating something , it may be scrolling on my phone , it may be whatever , I don't know , that I used to buffer with in that moment . And , like you said , that's the solution . That's not the problem . The problem is .

I need to step back and say do they really even care about this ? Does it matter ? Will our holidays be fine without it ?

It's almost kind of like having that minimalist mindset , kind of like pairing down Like what are the things that we really love to do as a family , where we connect as a family , and what are the things that can just kind of go to the wayside , that's just extra Like we don't need that , I mean .

Oh , that's interesting Because you're literally at that moment , believing that you can screw up your kids' holidays , that you can make or break them , and so when we see that that unintentional thought is guiding us , that doesn't mean we can decide how to continue to do the things that bring you joy , but love your reasons for doing them and not be afraid that

we're going to screw up our kids' holidays . But we're doing them because it brings you joy and it brings you peace and it's exciting . And then there's some things that you're like , oh , I don't really love that part . But if you know what your kids' favorite , listen to this .

If you know what your kids' favorite thing about the holidays , then you may choose to still keep it , but you're doing it because you are . That's what you want to bring joy to your son .

Right , we're not victims . We don't need to stress ourselves out for what ?

Yeah , I just really believe that in this time for the holidays , when the Lord wants to bring more light , more love , more peace , more Jesus into the world , we can just start to step back and say where am I feeling unsettled and agitated , and that , christy , when we feel that that's the indication that we're not connected with the Lord , because when we feel

peace , that's when we are connected with Him , and so we just want to keep putting peace in our lives and whatever steals our peace , that's what he wants us to direct our attention , to start working on so we can remove it .

And when we are worried about the things that we're putting in our bodies or we're not feeling good the next day because Ted the wine pusher got you to drink four glasses of wine and now you're sick to your stomach and you have a headache and you woke up at three o'clock in the morning , so you're tired .

On top of all of that , because you're the one that has to live with your choices , like you pointed out , we can love ourselves enough to say you know what I'm not doing that this year we're going to have a Advent focused on peace and joy and love and all of the goodness that the season has to offer , so that when Christmas does come and those days

afterwards , we can really celebrate , and not just we can celebrate the coming of Christ and all of that , but we can say , you know what , with God's power and Him pouring His grace into Him , because right when we are fasting from things , we are making room for God to pour even more into us and so , as he pours into us , as we are fasting , from certain

things that we may have overindulged in , that I've like , clouded our , our mental clarity , kept us stuck in chaos and feeling like a victim , when we can let go of those things and allow God to pour into us , our Advent and Christmas seasons are just going to be that much more joyful , beautiful , meaningful and memorable , I think .

So you step back , look at it like a movie , find the real issue like two or three not you can't solve for everything but find two or three like things that trip you up , solve for them , come up with a plan and then support yourself to follow through . So those are the four steps .

Now I'm going to sell you real hard because your brain's like that's too much time I don't have , that's too complicated .

But if you're like me , you spent a lot of time and energy on what I like to call reactive planning , which is you wake up the next day , you feel like crap , and so now we start reactive planning , which is I'm just going to eat chicken and vegetables all weekend . I'm going to do like a water cleanse . You know what I'm going to start working out ?

Maybe I'm scrolling on my phone . I'm looking for like on Instagram or Facebook . I'm looking for something that's going to give me motivation . Maybe I'm finding a new program Right , like , maybe , the five reasons that I should drink less , or maybe , like you know , the five day detox diet . I'm doing a whole bunch of research again , reactive planning .

So we were making plans either way , but the truth is is that those plans don't last and don't they take about as much time and energy as this calm planning .

It's just reactive , and so I just invite everyone to be more , to give themselves the gift of intention , to choose how they show up , to really enjoy the holidays and be able to look at themselves and say , yeah , wow , I showed up for me in a really big way .

Either way , you're spending the time and energy , so let's just spend it on moving the needle closer to the woman you want to be .

And right now we also have a special where we're not only doing the challenge , but I'm giving women a whole month free in January to support their weight loss goals in our community , and that's $99 . So I want you to go to weightlosswiththeholyspiritcom . You can join the challenge and then you automatically get our January month for free .

I hope you enjoyed this episode and I would invite you to share it with a friend who might also get value from it as well . And make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a thing . I am the Catholic sobriety coach , and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about the coaching that I offer , visit my website , thecatholicsobrietycoachcom .

Follow me on Instagram at the Catholic sobriety coach . I look forward to speaking to you next time and remember I am here for you , I am praying for you . You are not alone .