Ep 18: Sobriety Unveiled: Confronting Fear and Shame

I'm a wife , mom and a joy-filled Catholic , and I am the Catholic Sobriety coach , and I am so glad you're here , hello and welcome . So today we're just gonna jump into this episode .

I am going to be talking about how shame and fear can keep us stuck and really keep us in a spot of inaction , because we don't want to take action , because we don't want to look at what's going on , and that can do with drinking habits , that can do with how we're eating , it can be spending , it could be porn , it could be whatever it is that is not

serving you and is keeping you from , you know , feeling freedom and peace and living the life that God has for you , the fulfilling life that God has for you . So , to begin , I just want to tell you about this thing , this story that happened .

So I was in a CPR training class , I was a cheerleading coach for a couple of years and part of that was that I needed to have some CPR training , so , and I'm sure it's called something else , but anyway , I was in that class and the instructor told a story that just has really stuck with me and so I want to share it with you .

So there was this group of men , and in that group of men was a dad and his son adult son , and they were all having dinner together when , all of a sudden , the son like got up from the table and went to the restroom .

He was in there for like a really , really long time , and so the dad finally went in there and found his son unconscious , and they had to call the paramedics and everything , and what had happened was , during dinner , the son had choked on whatever a piece of dinner and instead of saying you know , making motions like he needed help or trying , you know , letting

people know that he was choking , he was very embarrassed , and so he went into the bathroom to try to like cough it out or get it out , and what happened is he ended up choking and passing out .

I can't remember for sure , but anyway , the main point of this is he was so embarrassed and didn't want to make a scene , didn't want to bring attention to himself , so instead of asking for help . He went by himself into the bathroom and he didn't get the help that he needed at the moment when he needed it .

So the reason why I tell you this is because this happens so much .

Right , like we are women and mothers and wives and Catholics and you know there's so much on social media we try to keep up with , you know , with our image and what we want people to think about us , and we care very much about not wanting to stand out too much and yet , you know , still being our own person .

And so when it comes to having a vice , whatever it is , I'm gonna use drinking , because that's what this podcast is , it's a subriety podcast .

But when drinking starts to creep in , when that habit starts to creep in , oftentimes women do not reach out for the help that they need because they're embarrassed okay , so they're embarrassed by , maybe , what people will think .

They think that they kind of beat themselves up because it's like you know , I have no willpower , I'm just not good at this , I'll never get a handle on it , whatever it is . And then you know there's lots of fear around like what does it mean ? What are people going to think ? And you know all of these things that come up .

So that's what we're gonna address today .

I'm gonna talk about how shame and fear keep us stuck . What we're gonna do is we're just gonna shed light on it , right ? We're just gonna take that flashlight , shine it in there .

Like I have said before on this podcast and I say often , like when I'm cleaning a room , I just like , take everything out , just get everything out from all those little cracks and crevices , bring it to light so that we can look at it and address it . Is this serving me ? Is this not serving me ? Does this , you know , belong in the trash ?

Does this belong , you know , somewhere else ? And so we want to take a look at what's going on , because if we just keep it hidden , then it's just gonna keep piling up , right . So , all right , let's get started .

So I'm gonna talk about four things today , four things that may be keeping you stuck and in inaction , not wanting to take action and get curious about your drinking habits . If you're not thinking about it , not getting curious about it in a real way , then there's not gonna be any forward movement . So the first is that shame is keeping you stuck .

It's keeping us stuck , right . So Shame isn't all bad . The first thing that shame does is it alerts us to a problem . So shame is telling us , you know I'm doing something that is not right or I'm doing something that needs to be addressed . And that's the good part of shame , right ?

The bad part is that it can quickly fester and then it turns into hiding and so it's like we stick that in the closet and then something else comes up and we stick that in the closet and we keep doing that into the darkness until it piles up and pretty soon our closet is overflowing and it's causing all kinds of chaos and problems .

So the key here is to address it . Say , you have a feeling of shame and you take that and you examine it and you look at it and you're like what is this ? Why am I feeling shame around it ? What can I do to feel my feelings ? Face it .

What thoughts am I having that are creating feelings that are creating an action of either wanting to hide , wanting to keep it under wraps so that nobody sees the truth . What's keeping me from seeking help ? What am I afraid that I might find out about myself ? So the first thing is shame , and what we need to do is just bring that to the light .

Okay , so the second shame fear combo that's keeping you stuck is that you're thinking that you have no willpower and that you are the only one who struggles with this . And I want to tell you that it's not about willpower and I promise you you are not the only one struggling .

So when I say it's not about willpower , what I'm saying is you are having thoughts that are keeping you stuck . So you're having the thought that I cannot change . I've set boundaries around my drinking , I've made promises to myself and I break them . You may have thoughts , like you know , I can't . I just can't deal with this .

I'm broken , I can't drink like a normal person , or whatever those are that are coming up for you . So you think that if you just had more willpower , that you would be able to stop . But in reality , it's about changing your mindset . It's about changing your thoughts , and this is what I work with all the time with my clients .

So , instead of thinking like I have no willpower , I can't do this , what we usually focus on are ways to face the urges . Look at them , examine them , call them out for what they are and then change the thought around what is going to cause someone to make the choice either to pour the drink or not pour the drink .

So let's say that you have the thought like I had a really tough day today and I deserve a reward , so I'm gonna have a glass of wine . Right , instead of I need a reward , I'm going to have a glass of wine . What you might do is look at that and say , okay , I'm having this thought that I need a reward . What do I really need ? Do I need quiet ?

Do I need peace ? Do I need to go for a walk ? Do I need to have some connection with someone ? Should I call a friend or talk to my spouse ? Those types of things . So really examining , like , okay , I'm having this urge , I'm having this urge to have a drink . Why , what do I really need ?

So then you check in with yourself to find out what you're really needing and then you can help manage your mind around it so that you can make a better choice that helps you meet your goals that you have set for yourself .

So if your goal is to drink less or not at all , then you would want to examine that urge and say , yeah , I'm having that urge for a glass of wine , but I really have these goals that I'm trying to meet . So instead of doing that , I'm going to figure out what it is I'm really seeking and pursue that .

Then the other part of this is I'm the only one , like I'm the only one , who doesn't have the willpower . I'm the only one in my friend group that is struggling , and I promise you you're not . People just aren't talking about it because of the shame , because of the fear , and that's what we're talking about today . So please know you are not the only one .

I have women contact me all the time who are in various degrees of a habit and just need help to disrupt that habit , need some tools , need some resources and need to just really get curious and examine the ways that alcohol serves them or doesn't serve them . And so you're not alone .

It's not because you don't have willpower and you can definitely 100% make the changes you need to achieve whatever level of sobriety that you wish to attain . So just know that . So the other fear that comes up is the fear of being labeled . So sometimes clients come to me and they are worried like what does this say about me ?

And I don't know if you've ever heard the saying . It used to be a saying in the AA circles that I ran in where they would say if you're wondering if you're an alcoholic , you probably are .

But I don't really find that to be helpful and I think that over the past maybe decade or so , because alcoholism and just overdrinking disorder detachments have been more examined it's not so black and white right and even the term alcoholic is kind of outdated and it's not something that people use very much anymore .

We call it a disordered attachment or like a use disorder . Alcohol use disorder is very common now to describe what used to be called alcoholism . So if you are worried about a label , don't worry about it , because you don't have to label yourself .

Even if you choose never to drink again , which you don't have to decide I mean you don't have to say forever , you can just say for just right now or for just 30 days or for whatever it is , and it doesn't have to be a label . You can just say no , thank you , I don't want to drink , or no , thank you , not tonight . So just know .

You don't have to label yourself as a gray area drinker , moderate drinker , minimal drinker , an alcoholic , a recovering alcoholic , whatever it is . You don't have to label yourself in any way at all . You can just choose to say I don't want to drink or I do want to drink , and getting curious about your drinking doesn't mean that you have a problem .

It just means that it's causing some problems for you right now and you just need to seek help to figure out how to disrupt that habit and change your mindset around it so that you can move forward and it won't be causing chaos anymore and you can have peace and freedom around your drinking , whatever that looks like for you .

Okay now the fourth thing that I'm going to touch on today about what is keeping you from inaction or from wanting to examine your drinking because of shame and fear , is because you're afraid of what other people are going to say or what they're going to think .

So if you are at your wine and book club and you tell your friend Susie , no , thank you , I don't want a glass of wine tonight , you might be worried about what she's going to say afterward . You know she might be fine about it and be like oh okay , well , can I get you a sparkling water or whatever it is ?

Or she may start questioning you like why aren't you drinking ? Like what's going on , and so part of the work that I do with my clients is just to kind of like think about that and then also talk through what your responses could be . So this is something that you can definitely do on your own as well .

But if you are thinking about , like , when I go to my monthly book club where there's always wine , do I want to bring some non-alcoholic wine so that I have it there and so I feel like part of the group and maybe I don't get as many questions . Or are you going to bring sparkling water ?

Or do you know that your friend Susie usually has soda or water there as well as wine ? And just like kind of think through your plan , like what am I going to say if somebody says X ? What am I going to do to set myself up for success so that I can go into that situation feeling confident and having clarity around it ?

The other thing is a lot of times people are worried that their friends or spouse or whatever will think that they're boring all of a sudden .

And I mean I don't know about you , but I could tell you that I was way worse when I was drinking , because maybe I wasn't necessarily boring like at the time because I was a drink and I'd go out dancing and like , do all this stuff .

But I promise you , the next day I was super boring because I felt terrible , I looked terrible , I was completely dehydrated and all of these other things . So it's kind of a trade off . But you're not boring if you don't drink . I am much more interesting as a non-drinker than I ever was as a drinker , and you may find that too .

You may take up I don't know a hobbies that you used to really enjoy or discover new ones . And another thought that goes along with the thought that now I'm gonna be boring or people are gonna be think that I'm boring , is the thought that will I be able to connect with people in the same way ?

And I assure you that you'll be able to connect with people on an even deeper , more meaningful level when you can connect without the use of alcohol . It's just extraordinary how we can .

When we consume alcohol , we don't realize that not only are we numbing out those things we don't want to feel , or masking insecurities or those types of things , we are also numbing the good and the joy and the ability to feel those true and authentic feelings .

So , sitting with that discomfort not a bad thing , it's very good , and I will do an episode on discomfort , urges , think , feel , act cycle , all of those types of things coming up very soon . I do want to leave you with a few questions that you can ask yourself to kind of get this conversation started in your head .

If you have been resistant to getting curious about your drinking because you are feeling shame or fear , like I spoke about , so one of the questions that you can ask yourself is what is the cost of not taking action ?

So , by you not facing or looking at or getting curious about these feelings or the shame that you might be having around your drinking , what is that costing you ? Is it costing you peace ? Is it costing you , because you have this sense of dread , anxiety , shame ? Really think about that and pray about it .

Ask God , take the Holy Spirit into that and say Lord , what am I not seeing ? What is this costing me ? Tell me , and he will . He'll show you .

And then another question I would offer is ask yourself when you were successful in the past in abstaining or moderating something or changing a habit , what steps did you take to make that change happen ? And I think a lot of times we can really beat ourselves up and be like , oh , I can't do this , I have no willpower .

I never keep promises to myself , and on and on and on . That thought reel just keeps playing in our head . But if we really think about it , if you really think about it , you've been successful at many , many things . You have been very successful in being temperate , abstaining from things and changing habits that weren't serving you anymore .

So I want you to think about all those things , those wins , those successes , and look at what steps you took to make that happen , because you did and you can do it again . And then the third thing I would have you ask yourself is this if you had a friend in your exact situation and they came to you for advice , what would you say to them ?

And be very , very honest , think of , like , your best friend , your sister , your you know your spouse . If someone came to you who is starting to wonder about or have you know some thoughts about , like maybe I am having a problem controlling my drinking or moderating my drinking , or maybe I , you know , it's gotten really , really bad .

Maybe I do have alcohol use disorder , I don't know , I just need to figure it out . What would you say to that person ? So that's what I would like you to ask . So again , the things we talked about shame is keeping you stuck . Don't let it keep you there . Bring it into the light . Take that shame , say , hey , shame , what are you telling me ?

What is this ? And then bring that into the light . You can bring that into the light by , you know , talking to someone , talking to a friend , getting coaching or , you know , just doing your own research . Start Googling . That's a great place to start , especially if you're not sure and you want more information .

So listening to a podcast like this thank you for listening is a great way to get some information so that you can start thinking about what's going on with you and get some clarity and confidence around that right . And the second thing is you think you have no willpower .

But let me tell you , sister , you are more powerful than you think and you have been successful in the past and you just need to change those thoughts so you can figure out what you need to do to meet your goals . You're afraid that facing it means you have a label . You don't have to have a label .

Let me just tell you no labels , you don't have to label yourself anything and if somebody else does , that's on them . It's not about you . No labels , just getting curious or making a decision to drink less or not at all , for whatever reason that is . For you it's personal and you don't have to label yourself as anything .

And then the fourth is you're afraid of what other people will think or say , and let me just tell you that's a real fear .

But if you prepare yourself in advance and really think about what they would say and what you can say and kind of how to manage your mind around what those responses will be , so that they don't have to mean anything , then that will just help you be more successful and meet those goals .

So again , I'm Kristi Walker , I am the Catholic sobriety coach and I am here for you . So if you're just wondering and you wanna see if sobriety coaching could be helpful for you in helping you reach your goals quicker , just schedule a call with me and we can chat about it .

Even if you never work with me , at least you will have some clarity and confidence around your drinking and I promise you will leave knowing exactly how you will proceed so that you can decide for yourself is drinking a problem for you ? If it's not , then you can just go about your life doing what you're doing .

If it's not causing that much anxiety , it's not causing any problems at all . Or you might think this is kind of like a little teeny flame that's burning in my house .

Do I want to just wish and hope that it's going to go out on its own and not cause any damage , or is this something that I wanna put out , because there is a chance that it could engulf my whole house in flames ? But that's a decision that you make , and so when you jump on a call with me , that's the clarity that you get .

We work together to figure out if you're even ready for coaching . Not everybody is ready for coaching .

Some people need to do some things before they're ready for coaching , because coaching is all about like I'm in this place and now I'm ready to move forward and I just need a partner and I just need accountability and I just need the tools and resources to help me be able to coach myself in the future so that you can because this will always come up , whether

it's drinking or something else and you can figure out how to coach yourself through it so that you can move forward and remove the obstacles and live the life that God has for you .

So if you enjoyed this episode , I would just ask that you rate and review and subscribe to my podcast so that you don't miss a thing . And if you found value in this and you think about somebody who might benefit from listening to it as well , I would love it if you would share it .

It helps me grow my podcast and reach more people who need this information , this hope , this encouragement and these tools . Thank you for being here so much and remember I am here for you , I am praying for you . You are not alone . Bye , I am praying for you .