Ep 13: Breaking the Cycle of Addiction: An Empowering Conversation with Candace Platter

I'm a wife , mom and a joy-filled Catholic , and I am the Catholic Sobriety coach , and I am so glad you're here . Alright , so today I am really excited because I have Candace Platter here as my guest .

She is an addictions therapist in private practice , where she specializes in working with loved ones of those struggling with addiction in her family addiction counseling and therapy program . In her 36 years of recovery from opioid addiction , candace has learned that overcoming addiction is a family condition . Everyone in the family is affected and everyone needs to heal .

The results Candace achieves have been astounding . Not only has her success led to a waiting list of clients , but she is a go-to leader in the field of addictions . Candace now works with her team , helping both the families and addicts break the devastating cycle of addiction for good . Thank you so much for being here , candace .

We were going from Calgary to Maryland in a VW van with all our possessions in it , and we stopped for lunch and right after lunch I became violently ill out of the blue and we thought it was food poisoning . But it because it had those symptoms . But it never got better , not for a really long time .

So at that point what I had was Crohn's disease , that which is an inflammatory bowel disease , very difficult and kind of a devastating painful disease to have . But the doctors didn't know that . They really didn't . It was a new disease . They didn't know what to do . They did they told me it was all in my head which it was not .

And because they didn't know what to do , they just kept prescribing medications for me , medications like codeine and morphine and demoral and valium and all the things that are addictive in the system . So , just like anybody else's body , my body became addicted to these substances and that started me on a 15-year opioid addiction .

We didn't even know I had Opioids are and valium and alcohol which I used , and pot , which I used . All of those substances are depressants in the human system . So if you fast forward about 15 years , I reached quite a devastating bottom of being so depressed . I had no idea what was going on with me . I had no idea about addiction .

I didn't know anything about it . I just kept getting more and more prescriptions over the years . You know , I was actually suicidal and I wasn't sure that I wanted to live anymore . I mean , not only is this disease a really painful one to have , but emotionally I was just a mess .

So so I I remember a night I don't I will probably never forget it and I don't think I want to forget it because it was . It was the bottom when I was standing in my living room and then , one hand , I had a bottle of pills that had so many pills right at home .

I had a bottle of pills that I was seriously considering swallowing , and in the other hand , I had my phone and I wasn't sure whether I was going to kill myself or reach out for help . I really wasn't sure , but I ended up putting the bottle of pills down .

I remember thinking to myself well , I can swallow these later , but I'll , I'll reach out right now and I can do that later , you know .

So I called the Vancouver Crisis Line and somebody on the other end who ever answered basically saved my life , because they were so I don't know if it was a man or a woman , but they were so respectful with me and really listened to me . I heard my pain and and really encouraged me to get some help .

And so that's what I did and I signed myself with , with doctors approval , I signed myself into the psych ward of a hospital here . I was there for about a month and I needed to be there because I wasn't sure if I had my clothes and my car keys . What was I gonna do , you know ? So it was .

While I was in there I started getting some counseling , I started getting some help and I was also introduced to 12 step programs because some a couple of people who were there were going to those across the street at the nurses residence every day at noon .

So I started tagging along and I started going to narcotics anonymous and I would just sit and weep through the whole meeting because I was still so depressed and people would come up and hug me like big bikers with tattoos and leather and chains and they'd come up and they'd give me a bear hug and they'd say , keep coming back , keep coming back .

So I kept going back and I went to meetings for about 10 years before I stopped doing that , which we might want to talk about later . But , and you know , one day at a time turned into close to 36 years . It'll be 36 years in July and I could not imagine ever that my life would be as good as it is . I still have Crohn's . It's still difficult .

It's much better because I take good care of myself . Now I know what to do . But you know , most people have something they deal with , and that one's mine , and life just goes on .

And so to be able to give back like you and I were talking before we started the show about giving back and about , you know , wanting to help other people in recovery and in addiction , yeah , it's just the most amazing journey ever . So I was about three years clean when I decided that I wanted to work in the recovery and the addiction field .

So I started looking for a job . It took me about three years to be ready to work . I kind of didn't know my own name for a while , coming off all those drugs .

But so I worked for 16 years in Vancouver's downtown Eastside , which is the lowest income area in Vancouver and it's where most of the addicts , alcoholics , homeless people with mental health are , and I loved doing the work . I didn't always like being in the downtown Eastside it's a scary place , but I loved .

I loved the work and I knew that that's what I wanted to do . So I did that for a lot of years and then I went into private practice . But while I was , while I was working down there , what started to happen was that the family members of the clients I was seeing started to call me .

Like this wasn't something that I reached out for or looked for , it just fell in my lap , kind of like you know . They would call me and they would say we just don't know what to do . We're at our which end . We love them , we hate them . We don't know what to do , what do we do ? And I didn't know what to tell them . I had no idea .

But I started to see them as clients and I heard the stories and I heard what they were doing and I heard what they were not doing and I started to get a fairly good idea of what needed to change , and so that's how my work with families got started .

You know how that just came about within your story . But there's something else . Thank you , first of all , for sharing your story . I think that a lot of people listening probably could resonate with certain aspects of it , and I appreciate you sharing that day when you had the phone in your hand and the pills in your hand because you reached out for help .

You made that choice and you were met with love and compassion and deep listening , it sounds like , and which is what you needed at the time , and so it sounds like that is something that you really seek to provide as well for your client and clients and client families .

Yeah , and I don't know that that bottle of pills called my name for a long time . But I thought I maybe try something different first and see . And the thing with families is the thing with working with families is that there's such a gap in service for families .

It's getting a tiny bit better now because people are starting to understand that families need to be part of this . But for about 30 years of working in this field with families , I was sort of a lone voice in the wilderness saying we've got to involve the families in this . Without that , you know , the addicts won't stay in recovery .

Many of them won't stay in recovery , won't go into recovery . So you know there's so much help for addicts out there . You know there's detoxes and treatment centers and counseling and all kinds of stuff out there for themselves help groups very , very little still for the families , right .

So let's jump in here to some questions . So could you tell me what some practical strategies or steps that you know families can take to help provide ongoing support to their loved one who is in recovery , without enabling their unhealthy behaviors ?

So enabling is when you're doing something for somebody else that they can do for themselves and that they should be doing for themselves . And when families enable the addicts they love , they basically keep them stuck in addiction .

Or if they're in recovery , they keep them kind of stuck in that entitled place of okay , well , I might be in recovery , but I expect a whole lot of you family , you know , and that's not a good place for any addict to be no-transcript .

The reason that many loved ones do this is because they have what we call codependent tendencies , and codependency is when you put other people's needs ahead of your own on a fairly consistent basis . That's what codependency is .

You put yourself on the back burner , you make other people more important , and the reason that people do that is because they're very afraid of conflict .

Conflict is the thing that they don't want more than anything else in , like the whole wide world , you know , because they haven't learned how to deal with conflict , and many of them came from homes that had addiction or had violence or something .

So when there was conflict , when there was contrast , when there was anger , when there was any of that kind of stuff going on , it felt very unsafe . So a lot of people learned as children how to keep things just very even and very nice and very pleasant and I'll go along to get along and I'll just , you know , do that because it's safer .

And then they go into their marriages and they have babies and they raise them that way . As soon as the baby squeals a little bit , the baby gets what they want and then they grow up into entitled adults , right ?

So one of the things that I need to work with with families around is to not is to break that cycle of entitlement , to break that cycle of enabling and to learn how to deal with somebody's anger . It's not okay if somebody gets angry . It's not okay if somebody throws something at you or , you know , hurts you . But it's okay for somebody to be angry .

There are ways to handle that that are self-respecting , right ? So the last sake examples of enabling are things like giving money to somebody with an addiction . You know where that money is going to go and the addict says , mom , I need 20 bucks . And mom says , oh well , okay , 20 bucks , what could that hurt ?

But of course it does , and so those kind of behaviors keep addicts stuck , and there are many , many more enabling behaviors , but that's just an example . So a helping behavior is something that gives an addict a fighting chance to either go into recovery or stay in recovery .

So the message that families really need to give their addicts who are struggling with addiction either they're not in recovery yet or they are in recovery but they're relapsing , they're in and out or you know , even early recovery , when you don't know your own name , you don't know like life is crazy in early recovery .

I remember we need to say to the people that we love , we love you , we love you so much and because we love you , we are not willing to support you in any way if you're going to choose addiction of any kind . So if you're not willing to come into recovery yet or you're in and out , you're relapsing and you're doing that dance .

We are not wanting to support that anymore , because we love you and we don't want that life for you and it tears us up every time we see you hurt yourself , so we will no longer support you . That means we're not going to give you money . If you live in the family home , you might have to pay rent . You're not to use or drink . If you live here .

You know there are things expected of you . We raise the bar of expectation . When you're ready to be in recovery , let us know and we'll be there for you in every way that we can . This isn't a punishment . It's because we love you . We want to help you get out of this life .

Here you go , just you know , because you don't want to have conflict , because there will be conflict , especially with somebody that's active addiction .

We're here for you . At Love with Foundries , we work primarily with families that are addicted .

But what are some common challenges that arrive , arise in rebuilding that relationship when someone is in recovery ?

So , so loved ones need to learn how to set and maintain really healthy boundaries , to be able to language them well , to be able to maintain them , because if you , if you set a boundary that you're not going to maintain , those will not set it . The addict is just going to keep poking at you till you cave anyway . So you need to be able to not cave .

You know , and sometimes it means for parents of adult children who are , or teenagers , putting a lock on their bedroom door so that the kids can't just get in and steal the credit cards , and things like that that happen . The most important thing is for parents , for families , to start taking care of themselves in ways that they haven't .

Take themselves off the back burner , start living their own lives with boundaries with the addict that they're enforcing and role model that , instead of role modeling , oh , we'll do anything for you . What is it that you need ?

So I have 10 tips in the book , 10 things like the difference between helping and enabling , like the fact that you can't change your addict . You can't change your . You can't make your addict do anything . You can't make anybody else do anything . That's just how it is on this planet of free will .

But what we can do is we can make it more uncomfortable for an addict to continue to use , or for an addict to continue to relapse , or for an addict to continue to feel entitled that they own you and that you should jump every time they tell you to . This is so not good for an addict and it's so not good for you , the loved ones .

So you're asking okay , I lost my train of thought for a minute , but the reason that I started talking about the book is because self care is the biggest chapter in the book , okay , and the title of that chapter is self care does not equal selfish , yeah , so so that's so .

That's something that loved ones need to kind of wrap their heads around that if I do put myself first , if I go out and play a couple of rounds of golf , if I go on a cruise , if I take care of myself , am I being selfish ? Because my addict may tell me that I am being selfish If I'm not catering to the addict .

One of the ways they think they might get me to cater to them again is to tell me how selfish I am . And for people who are codependent and have put their needs on the back burner , that's a trigger . I'm selfish . But let me tell you the difference between selfish and selfish with a hyphen . So selfish is I want what I want when I want it .

I want it right now . I want to write fn now and I'll step on anyone I need to to get it . But that doesn't really sound like the loved one . That sounds more like the addict , right ? So that's that's what selfish looks like . Selfish is about Okay , I need to take care of myself physically , make sure I'm eating right .

You know doing for my body , my temple , what I need to do . I need to look at , look after myself emotionally , my feelings . Do I need to talk to somebody about what I'm feeling ? How am I doing ? I need to look after myself mentally , like am I using my mind ? Because if I'm not , I don't know what will happen .

I need to challenge myself , you know , and spiritually , what does that mean to you ? How do you pursue that , you know ? But it's , it's something nourishing .

All of these things are nourishing , things that you do for yourself , and what I like to tell families is that this is what you need to role model for your addict , because this is what the addict needs to learn how to do as well is take care of themselves that way and see you doing it .

So self care is is so important Getting yourself off that back burner . You have every right . Your needs matter . You matter in this equation more than you think you do if you are the family member that's struggling alongside an addict . Right ?

Yeah , I mean , and both of us have been there , yeah , exactly . So , so , before we close , I would like to know . So you work with addicts as well as families , so I'm curious to know what that looks like from beginning point to end point for you . Okay .

Every once in a while we get an addict who contacts us and says I'm ready , I need help , and it's like , yay , you know . But most of the time it's the family members and sometimes they come in what they like . One of the first things they'll say is we know we're enabling , but we know we're enabling , but we don't know what else to do .

We don't and they don't . They don't know what else to do . Nobody else has told them because nobody is specializing in working with these families .

If you go to a therapist or counselor that has a different kind of specialty , that deals just with grief or anxiety or something like that , but doesn't really know how to help you navigate these waters , you're not going to get what you need .

And often the families I wouldn't say often , but sometimes we get families who just want us to fix their addict , just to see my son and fix my son , and then everything will be okay . And that's just not how it works , because there are family dynamics at play here that need to be unraveled and rebuilt .

So the families call us and we start working with them .

We start working with the spouse of the addict , we start working with the parents of the addict , we start working with the siblings Sometimes it's the grandparents , you know and when they begin to really understand the difference between enabling and helping and start doing helping behaviors , things start to change . The addict starts to change .

They start to see oh , you know , what I've been doing isn't working anymore . What am I going to do now , you know ? And so we help the family members , get the addicts ready for us to work with them . Okay , but until a family does something different than what they've been doing , the addict won't budge .

Because what we know is that an enabled addict doesn't recover or not for long . If you keep doing everything for an addict that they can do for themselves and should do for themselves , why should they do anything except use and drink and gamble ? And you know they can do stuff they're doing .

So that's what we do , that's our process , and we work with families , usually for about three to six months , because it takes a little while to change these dynamics . Some families we work with longer and some shorter . It's organic , it's , you know , whatever your family needs and we see how the progress happens .

And then you know , usually by then we're working with the addicts as well .

Wow , and even if we aren't , you know , even if the addict never comes for counseling , the family is taking care of themselves , right , right , so they can still live their best lives if they want to , even though they love an addict , because they can't make the addict recover or stay in recovery , mm-hmm yeah .

But the thing I love so much about the work that you do is that the family is not powerless to just sit there and watch it all happen , and that's something I never , until this conversation between us , I never really considered . But that is so true .

The family does have the power , like you said , to stop enabling , to set the boundaries , and then you know , there are a lot of times you have seen changes within the addicts that come to you as well , and so that , I think , provides a lot of hope to families who feel very hopeless . And helpless .

So this is again why sometimes three to six months , because the families are learning new things . But it's hard and they slip back and they give the addict money or they do something that they know they shouldn't do . We know we enabled last week , but you know , but that's okay , that's okay , they're learning something new .

It takes a while when you're learning something new . So we understand that and we just keep at it because as long as somebody is alive , there is hope . And the family's job is not to make things easy for the addict . The family's job is to make things less easy for the addict .

The family's job is to make things more uncomfortable for the addict so that the addict doesn't want to stay in addiction or doesn't want to keep relapsing

. There's an acronym in 12 step recovery . There's so many great slogans . This is one of the things I love . I love a few things about 12 step programs . I just don't like it when they say that we're powerless . We have a disease , I have a disease and I know there's a difference , right ?

So another way to say relapse is flip , and it's kind of a minimizing word . It's like oops , I slipped . Relapse is this heavy word , I relapsed or I slipped . But there's an acronym for slip and it stands for sobriety loses its priority .

So you've got somebody in recovery and things are going okay , maybe they're on that pink cloud and they're enjoying things , but then they have a broken shoelace or something major happens to them , a diagnosis or something like that , and sobriety loses its priority and they make a choice to go back and use again . That's how that happens . Recovery is a choice .

Staying in recovery is a choice . Relapsing is a choice . Enabling or not enabling is a choice . All of it is choice . So when , if nothing changes , nothing changes one of my favorite things Right , and if you , if you keep , if you always do what you've always done , you'll always get what you've always gotten , it's really a decision .

It's a choice the family members make . Am I willing to do the work it takes for our family to be healthier , or am I going to tell myself it's too hard and argue for those limitations and stay stuck with the addict . That's not a good choice in my mind . That that's not a loving act toward the addict Right To allow it to continue .

When you're an addict , you don't think you're going to do anything to help the world , right ? So to write a book that won awards , and then I have the workbook that goes along with it . So that's called loving an addict , loving yourself , the workbook , you know , very creatively titled , and that one a number of awards as well . And then there's a journal .

It's called self respect Sunday for your soul , if you love an addict .

So I put out a self respect Sunday piece every morning , every Sunday morning , and it has some kind of beautiful photograph , you know , and then it has a quote from my book loving an addict , on here and lined paper with butterflies , because butterflies are so important in life and people can write in that .

And then I'm part of an anthology as well , called voices of the 21st century women transforming the world , and I have a chapter in that . Oh , so cool . Wow , yeah , yeah , yeah . And someday I'm going to write a book about narcissism .

Oh , narcissism and addiction , narcissism and codependency I think is going to be my next book , but I'm a little too busy right now to do that . If I could just say and thank you for asking about my books , I do appreciate that . And a free 30 minute consultation to anyone who just fills out our questionnaire .

As soon as we get the questionnaire , we get back to you , we set up the 30 minute call , and the 30 minute call is about you telling us a little bit more about your situation and us telling you about how we work at love with boundaries and what you can expect , and let's see whether that feels like a fit , whether it's a fit for us or we fit for you .

If we're not , that's okay . If we are , then we move forward . And I have a group of counselors that work with me who are just spectacular and we , we all just love working with families with addiction and we love seeing the results because they are just amazing . These families , you're so strong , these families are so strong .

There's so much strength in these families that they're not even aware of . So as soon as they can start working together and start being united on the same page , that strength comes out .

I mean I know that it's making a huge impact and we just need more of that and it kind of start it sounds like it's starting to get more and more recognition , since you've blended your voice to that platform , and so I really appreciate that and thank you so much for being here .

I know that my audience is going to get tons of great information and then they can visit your website , lovewithboundariescom , to find out more information .

We've got a client in Africa , portugal you know places like that that you'd never expect for us to have , but but they hear , they read the book , they hear me on a podcast or something like this one , and and they really do and reach out . So I'm so happy about that , I'm so happy that we can .

It doesn't have to be the US or Canada , it can be anywhere . Right , it is everywhere .

But when you've experienced the freedom of sobriety and recovery like we have , when you've been at whatever your bottom is sometimes it's high , sometimes it's really really low when you've experienced that personal bottom and you've been able to , you know , overcome that and you you see how beautiful life can be .

It just makes you want to help other people to have that too , because you want to see them living that way .

I am the Catholic sobriety coach , and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about the coaching that I offer , visit my website , thecatholicsobrietycoachcom . Follow me on Instagram at theCatholicSobrietyCoach . I look forward to speaking to you next time , and remember I am here for you , I am praying for you . You are not alone .