Ep 10: Catholics Fight Porn: A Story of Faith and Recovery with Steve O'Connor

I'm a wife , mom and a joy-filled Catholic , and I am the Catholic Sobriety coach , and I am so glad you're here . Okay , so today's episode , my guest is Steve O'Connor of Catholics Fight Porn .

He is a faith-filled Catholic coach on a mission to help newly married Catholic men break free from porn and sexual addiction , so that they no longer need to feel the shame and pain that comes with it and instead enjoy a life free from addiction .

Steve found freedom from his 15-year porn addiction over a decade ago through a 12-step program and now helps other men do the same . Steve and his wife , kristin , have been married since 2011 and they have a beautiful daughter named Veronica . In 2022 , they founded Catholic Fight Porn , where Steve coaches clients individually and also provides group coaching .

Welcome , steve , thank you so much for being here .

The pornography I was first exposed to pornography when I was 10 . So I was in the fifth grade . I was at a friend's house . We were just hanging out and he said , hey , I got to show you something . And he went to a drop down ceiling of where his older brothers hid their pornography magazines .

So you know , this was long before it was a few clicks away on a phone . I can remember being completely mesmerized by what I saw as a 10 year old . It didn't make sense , but for whatever reason , it excited my mind and I was drawn to it . And so , if you fast forward a few years , I was in the junior high .

I was at a different friend's house and it was late at night and one of the adult channels came on . So this again was nothing in my house , but I found it at a friend's house .

It's where I had my first , you know sexual release as an orgasm , and so from there I learned how to masturbate , and that was something I would do quite regularly , along with the pornography usage whenever I could find it at that time , and so I was also in and out of relationships .

They weren't very deep and it was just one to the next , one to the next , and so you fast forward through high school . I got into college . There was a girl that I was dating that broke up with me , which was awesome , because I think the Holy Spirit used that as a wedge to get into my life .

She breaks up with me , and I immediately think back to the Bible that I was given on a retreat my junior year of high school . This was a tech retreat which was called Teens Encounter Christ .

It was a retreat that I didn't want to go to because I wanted to go to our high school state playoff football game , but my parents made me go on this retreat and I'm very grateful that they did . I opened up this Bible and it just hit me . It hit me right in the face and that sparked my conversion reversion .

However , you want to call it back into the church , and I reached out to my older brother who's incredibly devout and faith-filled since he was a child , and he walked me along the path back into the church .

He introduced me to good Catholic community , and so he also took me to a Christopher West talk on the theology of the body , where I learned that masturbation was sinful , and I learned this was wrong and same with pornography , and so I already knew that premarital sex was wrong , and it's one of my eternal regrets is that I engaged in that before marriage and

so it basically at this point I'm in my early 20s and it cemented the fact that what I was doing was wrong . I was really motivated to change , but the problem was I didn't know how to change . I did not know how to not look at porn and how to not act out .

I then meet the woman that became my wife , and when we were dating , for whatever reason , I disclosed this to her . I thought she was the one and I didn't want to mess it up . I thought there shouldn't be any secrets moving forward . This is risky because she could leave me , but I did . She was very gracious in hearing it and understanding .

Some months later , she heard a talk on the devastating effects of pornography on marriage by a Catholic therapist . She knew I did not have victory in this department . She questioned me about it and that came off of a very low low where I went to visit a priest , a dear friend of mine that I had at the Newman Center .

In college we had a great Newman Center . It was very strong and vibrant . Yeah , I went to stay with this priest in his community . He had heard my confession so many times in college . We had dinner on a Saturday night . I went to my separate room and then he said , yeah , you'll serve mass for me in the morning . I said , great , that'd be an honor .

Lo and behold , I'm on my Blackberry device with that scrolling ball and I'm looking at images again and I'm acting out . I was just completely against my will , completely unwanted . But then I was in such shame I did not have the courage to tell this priest friend that I had acted out .

I did not get the penance that I needed in order to receive communion worthily . It was just . The shame was so deep . Ironically , when I got home that night it was this conversation with my wife . I see God working through everything . Once I step back and step away from it all , but in the moment .

I was in such desperation that when my wife said you got to get help , it was exactly what I needed , what I wanted to hear . It was a huge relief to me and I said , yeah sure , I'll call tomorrow . I did . Then went to the therapist . The therapist said I want you to go to SA , which is Sexoholics Anonymous .

It's a 12-step group for porn and sexual addiction . That's how I got into recovery . I don't know if you have any questions up to this point . I can finish it off .

I think that's so big because a lot of us who have struggled with addiction people can tell us you have a problem , you need to get help , you need to do this , you're messing up your life when we're not in a place to receive it . Then a lot of times we were like , yeah , yeah , they're just nagging me .

But you were at a spot in your life that she was planting those seeds and she suggested it and you were like , yeah , that is what I needed . And that is the main thing . When we love someone who is struggling with addiction , we have to know that they can't just do it for us . They have to do it for them if it's going to last and sustain .

So go ahead and let us . You can finish off your story . How did all of this bring you to coaching ?

over . Well , just about three years ago , a friend of mine in recovery he does coaching and he just suggested he suggested that to me and I thought , well , that'd be great . You know I would love to do more of this kind of work . So I think for two reasons . I just remember how painful it was for me , how stuck I was .

It was this one area in my life that just wasn't getting better , no matter what I tried . It's like that , saying that my own best thinking got me into this . You know , like everything I tried didn't work . I remember how painful it was and I don't want others to stay stuck and I love . I think the second reason is I love seeing the growth .

You know , when someone comes in brokenhearted and they're a mess , I love just seeing them grow over the years , and so that's how I got into coaching .

One of the things I loved about alcoholics anonymous is the incorporation of God into the steps , because I really needed that and that propelled my reversion . So are they the same to your knowledge ?

You'll have some guys they go to strip clubs . Some guys go to videos . You know video stores , some guys is just all internet nowadays . Other guys they might go to massage parlors . They might . It might be sexting , it might be video chats , it might be dating sites , you know you can find it through video games , you know .

And so there's lust is a big umbrella for the guys in the room .

But you do find that we all share so much in common is that we have these wounds that typically come early on in our life , and then how we deal with that emotional discomfort , negativity or even how we celebrate the high highs in our life is you might take a drink because you're celebrating a promotion .

You might take a drink because someone else got promoted before you did Right , or you might just take a drink because it's a Tuesday , and so it's the same with acting out . But yeah , I love the incorporation of God into the 12 steps as well . Step two believing that God can heal us . Step three is turning our will and our life over to Him .

That's amazing . And then you take inventory , you ask God to remove your defects of character , you make amends , you do daily inventory , daily . What is it ? When we're wrong , we promptly admit it for step 10 . So that's incredible , because now you do something wrong . You make amends as soon as possible . Then 11 is prayer and meditation .

And 12 is carrying the message , like sharing the good news that Jesus charged the apostles with and I think that's where both you and I are at is this 12-step work of carrying the message to the one who still suffers .

But for me , when I got to step four and five , I did not go to confession for years because and I asked my sponsor about that and she was not Catholic . In hindsight I wish I had sought out a Catholic sponsor , but I didn't know anything .

So can you talk a little bit about how you approach those steps as a Catholic man , but also in doing your 12-step program ?

Say you meet them at six o'clock in the evening or something , and it's an open-ended time , there's no time limit , the sponsor listens for similarities to relate , but more so part of the beauty is to just confess our sins to someone else , anyone else that can be a priest , that can be a sponsor , that could be a rabbi or different people .

But it was incredibly helpful for me . You go through your resentments , so people you resent , and I went back to my earliest memories . So this was school , growing up in school , and you make a list of fears and different fears you have and then you go over sex and different sexual encounters you've had .

So one of the beauties in that is , say , you pick a resentment , you write down who you're resented , why you're resented them , how it affects me . Maybe this affects my self-esteem , or maybe it affected my personal security or whatnot . The fourth column was my favorite , which was my mistake , so it's basically what's my part in this ? Why am I resenting them ?

And once again it could be someone got a promotion over me . Well , what's my mistake ? My mistake is resenting this other person who did nothing wrong , or it's resenting the boss who didn't give me the promotion . And maybe my mistake is that I was lazy . Maybe I could have worked harder when I didn't .

So , same with resentment , my mistake is usually a lack of trust in God . It's usually relying on myself and I am weak and defective on my own , so I have to bring God into the equation .

But it was incredibly helpful and healing and it helps me to this day where , if I'm struggling with someone , it helps me kind of break down why am I struggling with them , what did they do , how is this affecting me and , once again , what is my part in this ?

And then I can work on attacking my mistake and fixing that with a better whether it's a better mindset , whether it's taking actions . Like I said , instead of if I was prone to laziness in some department , I need to be more diligent and basically work on the virtues to overcome the vices that show up .

Like we definitely need to confess these sins to a priest , but when you're working the program with a sponsor , it can go even more in depth and then you can really examine it on your own and kind of do your mind work around that and then you can also get absolution and then be in good standing that way . But really it's all about just shame .

Can't hold us the devil , can't put those things in our brain Like you did this . Oh , remember when you did this and you were so bad when you did this , because we've already shed light on it , people already know about it and it doesn't really affect us . It has no power over us anymore .

And I've heard it from many others as well that they thought they would take something to the grave . How could I tell someone that I did X , Y or Z ? And for years they don't tell anyone . And then they finally come to this step , which it shouldn't take them years to get to that step , but their whole process .

They've been holding onto this secret for years and once they let it go , they have a new found freedom , even a deeper level of freedom . It's an amazing thing because we hold it in because of shame . Like you said , if so-and-so really knew I was doing X , y and Z , they wouldn't hang out with me anymore .

And that's shame , because a good friend wouldn't leave you , a good friend would help you , and so you say , okay , well , if someone does leave me for that reason , then perhaps they're not as good of a friend as I thought they were .

So shame is like pain If you get a scratch , you have pain , so you're going to put antibiotic cream , you're going to clean it , you're going to put a band-aid on it , and the same is true with shame . That's our open wound and we need to have it healed so that we can move on . And I think that that is so , so important for people to know .

And also , you said something else when we release it , right . So I went to Confession many times and I got absolution , and yet I held on to some of the things because I didn't release it until one day somebody said are you saying that God isn't powerful enough to forgive you ?

And then I was like , oh , okay , so then I had to go confess that and get everything else , but it was a good confession and then I finally was able to release it . So it's kind of a two-part thing , I think .

Broken people since the fall have had a manneve and then just humbly move forward in doing the next right thing .

But Steve and I are not the most popular people in the room , for a variety of reasons , right , because we're faith-filled Catholics , and so not everybody in our world thinks that that's like the best thing ever . And then he helps men that struggle with addiction . So he's saying that porn is , you know , you shouldn't do it .

But yet our culture says it's healthy , it's good for you , it doesn't hurt anybody , and all of these things . And then here I am saying , oh , you should drink less or not at all . And our culture is saying you should drink to . You know , cope with motherhood .

You should drink to celebrate , like you are saying , steve , you celebrate or cheer yourself up , or just for fun , or whatever it is . And some people even say it's healthy , which is ridiculous , but you know , whatever . The same is true for porn , though . How do you see the way that our culture is moving , steve , in regards to ?

Do you see a positive shift , or do you think we still have a lot of work to go to change hearts and minds ?

out yet . You know the porn myth and all these resources that are out there now I did not know about , I had zero idea of how to actually live the message that they were preaching , and so I think so a lot of help has come with addiction , but I would say that our culture is degrading by the minute .

You know you turn on a TV , you watch the commercials . You know you turn on a game , you see the cheerleaders . So it's , I do think it's everywhere . I think you have to be more diligent now than ever . Like I said , I had to go find a magazine or a video , right , so look at porn .

That was hard enough , but now almost everyone has a phone and the ages of it being , you know , I think first age of exposure averages right around eight years old . So , and that's much more powerful than me seeing a 10-year old not knowing when I'd see a magazine again .

Many eight-year-olds have phones now , so they can , sadly , get worse and worse and worse , and this addiction can get stronger and stronger and stronger at a much younger age .

So , kind of the first part that you were bringing up was just addiction and recovery , and I think it would be great to normalize recovery , because there is a stigma like , oh well , so-and-so is an alcoholic . It's like , okay , well , that's a label right . And then well , steve , he's a sexaholic . It's like okay , well , does culture think I'm a pervert ?

Or is this just something that I was exposed to , that I struggle with ? That ? I don't want any part of you know . And so that actually kept me from doing something for years , because I didn't want to tell a friend , I didn't want to tell my family , because it's embarrassing , it's shameful , and I think God has worked through me to just show me that .

You know , I'm actually just like everyone else . This is what I struggle with . Other people may struggle with other things . We have seven deadly sins , right , right , so they could struggle with any . You know , lust is my main one . So does that make me worse than the person who struggles with envy ? I don't know , you know .

I mean , I think it's up for God to decide , but I would love to see recovery normalized , the fact that a lot of people struggle with porn . Sadly , the statistics are raising at rapid rates for women struggling with porn . And there's a certain website , a certain pornographic website , that gets over 80,000 visitors every second . Oh my gosh .

Not every minute , not every hour , not every week . 80,000 people a second , so there's over 40 million websites , and so it's everywhere . It's a couple clicks away . So yeah , so yeah .

I mean , when I got sober 26 years ago there was like no , hardly any non-alcoholic options , and now there's like all kinds of like crazy things out there of wine and champagne and spirits and everything that are non-alcoholic , and not that I don't usually imbibe in a lot of those , but they're kind of fun to have .

I kind of feel like a little kid playing dress up when I do that . Porn doesn't have the same thing . You got to just stay away and keep away and develop strategies for that , but I think the more we speak out about it and speak up about it , the more people are going to take notice .

And you know , being Catholics , we have this unique opportunity to band together and really share the message with other Catholics . And you know we saw what happened with the disciples when the Holy Spirit is in you and working through you for God's good , Amazing things can happen .

Transformation will occur , and I really think that you know , the more you and I just speak the truth , the truth , God's truth , and also just let people know , like we're just regular people , I wasn't a bum on the street , homeless , you know . I mean , I probably could have ended up there if I kept going , but you know it's , it's one of those things .

We could have ended up so much worse than we did , but by God's grace he rescued us , he redeemed us , and now we have the obligation really to share that with others . And so I'm so glad that you're doing what you're doing , and I'll just keep doing what I'm doing as long as I have breath in my lungs and people will keep listening .

It's nice to have these platforms , though , now you know , to help us along with that .

Yeah , I have a heart for married couples in their first five years because I want their marriage to get off to a great start . But I do work with people that have been married for 30 and 40 years as well , you know , and so , and some people it's so entrenched it's been entrenched for over 50 years in them . You know so .

But the great thing is that healing is possible and that's again the amazing part of this work is seeing God transform them and seeing God work his miracles through them , watching them help their wives heal .

And I think the spouse is so many times the unsung hero because , you know , in many cases they haven't left them , they have not divorced them or you know , once again society would say what are you doing ? Why are you still with them ?

But it's their deep love and it's their deep integrity for the vows that they took to uphold their end of the marriage and relationship and many times it's the wife that is holding the husband very accountable . And then you know , in working with them it's a good one-two punch .

Right there , marriages are breaking up left and right and they like to name all these different reasons , but it really comes down to the things that we , as Catholics , know are you know , that the church teaches are not right and that we should not partake in . One of those is pornography . We should not overindulge in anything .

Like you said , the seven deadly sins . Moderation is key . Maintaining a good marriage and a , you know , a healthy spiritual and physical lifestyle is what will bring us fulfillment .

So , like I was just talking to another guest and we were talking about like society is like oh , you're giving up all of these things , you're giving this up , but look at what we've gained , look at the freedom that we have . I mean , I never felt free , I never felt not anxious . I lived .

I don't even know how I survived in that constant state of somebody's going to find out . I have to hide this horrible . And now it's just like oh , my gosh , it's so . I feel so free and now I want everybody else to feel so free too .

The problem was I could never stay stopped , and so recovery helped me to stay stopped and set me on this right path and I thought , great , once this is done , I can graduate and move on with my life . What I've found is that it's very deep and different things can trigger me . Different things could pull me back in , so it's more like maintaining it .

But what I've found is that I am better in every other area of my life because of recovery . So I'm better at my job because when issues come up , I can tackle them right away . I can confront them right away . When I was acting out , I'd have an issue come up . I would gripe about it , then I'd go look at porn because I didn't want to deal with it .

Then I'd be miserable because I just looked at porn . So this cycle could go for hours , or even a day or two before I would tackle the issue at hand . Now I get a voicemail . I may have to do a little homework on my end and then boom , I call the customer back , talk through it , work through it .

If it's my fault , I take ownership , and if it's their fault , I let them know that too . And the whole point is how do we fix it ? That's all that they care about . The fault only comes in who's going to pay the bill , who's going to pay for the mistake . But you really , just how do we fix this situation ?

And so it's helped me in my marriage tremendously . When I was newly married and very young in recovery , I would shut down , I would give my wife the silent treatment because I didn't know how to get through a tough conversation , and that worked for a very short time until my wife said okay , no , you have to start talking .

I had to learn how to have difficult conversations and we have an amazing relationship in marriage . We talk a ton . I'll call her when I'm at my job throughout the day . We'll talk at night . We don't watch TV anymore ever since COVID and we just chat and it's great , it's beautiful .

I'm a much better father than I ever would have been acting out , because when I was acting out , it's like brain fog . I was not present . Someone could be talking to me and my mind is not there , because I'm either thinking about what I want to look up next or have shame from what I just looked up and just not present .

And so , yeah , recovery is just this foundation . It's like Jesus says , building your house on sand or on solid rock , and so I'm so grateful for recovery because it allows me to get through any situation . Now , basically , whenever I'm disturbed , I realize that there's something off inside of me .

I start calling friends in recovery , explaining to them what's going on . They'll help me diagnose the problem , or I'll self-diagnose it by hearing myself speak , and then it's like , okay , this is what I need to do . It's okay , I either oh , this person in a men's , or I need to forgive , or I need to release that .

Whatever , the next right thing to do is , then you take that action and then it's gone , that awful , debilitating feeling is gone . And all of that is with God's help in bringing him into this situation as well and praying what is your will , lord , and praying for the strength and courage .

So , yeah , it's an interesting take , because your 26 years is incredible . God's blessed me with 10 years of sobriety and it's just amazing seeing the person that God has turned me into . And that's not to say I'm great or wonderful .

It's just to say that I'd be so much worse if I wasn't in recovery , and so I have a tremendous debt of gratitude for recovery for those who have gone before us the Bill W's , the Dr Bob's , the Roy K's , the guys that I check in with , my sponsor , my wife , everyone everyone who's a part of my recovery is like I'm so thankful .

And my clients , the clients I coach are incredible and I'm grateful for them . So , yeah , I like that point about how it affects .

I want to address it and talk about it right away , because it's too hard and it provides too much anxiety not to feel those feelings and emotions . And emotions are not bad . We are supposed to have them for a reason and they are signals to us and they tell us things about ourselves and the situations that we're in .

So that's definitely a big thing that recovery has helped with . So I am so grateful . I tell people all the time I live my life as a thank you to God , like that's I just with everything I do and say I just want to thank God for everything he's done for me and that's you know .

Being able to pass this on to others , like we're doing , is just another way that we're not trying to glorify ourselves , but for his glory , to say if God can work in me this way , he can work in you as well . So , but I do want , yeah , but I do want to get to a little bit . You have a group group coat . I'm sorry

. You have a group coaching cohort that you're putting together for men who are struggling with pornography use . Can you tell me a little bit about that ?

We're going to learn about helping our spouse heal how do we help them heal and deal with the trauma from betrayal and that could just be betrayal by looking at porn or , you know , if there's been affairs . How do we help our wife heal ?

Working on your prayer protocol , the sacraments , accountability , support , and we can do it all anonymously from home , which is great . So , yeah , my website is catholicsfightporncom and on there you could book a free one-on-one 30-minute call to see if it would be a good fit for you . So , yeah , it's very exciting and I think it's going to be a great thing .

So I think anybody who is feeling called to that cohort should get in touch with you , and I will definitely leave Steve's contact information in the show notes as well .

So before we go , if there's a wife listening whose husband struggles with porn , how could she approach him about you and the work that you do , or maybe invite them to be part of your cohort without seeming , maybe , naggy . So it's received well .

I know it's probably hard on you and that maybe you don't choose this , even though you engage in it , and that it probably started well before the couple ever met . It probably started for the guy in most cases , not all the time .

But just saying listen , I would really appreciate it if you got help in this department and I heard Steve on Christie's podcast that I listened to all the time and here's would you check out the link ? Would you check out his website ? Would you just do a 30 minute call with him ? There's no obligation . You don't have to sign up for anything .

You can just talk to me . We can see . Is it a good fit ? Do you struggle with porn ? Do you want to be free ? There's no shame . I also like to consider myself as someone . There could be someone that maybe doesn't want to go to a 12-step meeting and say that they're a sexoholic . I would suggest that .

But there's also people that they do multiple groups , they do multiple programs of recovery . They're willing to go to any lengths to get better and to break free from this nasty addiction . So definitely just reach out .

I was a guy that wouldn't take the initiative on my own because you had mentioned earlier , christy , that I was agreeable when my wife mentioned that I need to get help . But ironically , I had a friend of mine , either a year or two earlier , tell me about this 12-step group and I said , oh , that's great , that's really good for you . Good luck with that .

And I could have went . I could have been sober before I ever met my wife and I wish I did , but it worked out the way it did . My wife's an integral part of my story and I'm very grateful to her and how it all played out . But yeah , and for wives not to be , maybe they suspect their husband looks at porn , but maybe they haven't asked him .

It's a good question because it's sin in the marriage . Us guys need to be called out on it , and in a loving way is the best way , not in that nagging way , but in marriage you will the good of the other . Our job is to get our spouse to heaven .

So if my wife was struggling with something and I could spot that , if I didn't say anything to her about it , that would be on me . I'd have to live with that . So it's tough because guys can act out and nobody could have any clue for 15 or 20 , 30 years . But why not ask ?

And if they say , no , I don't look , well , you have that assurance that they don't look , or they're lying to you , or they're lying to you , which is still on them .

again it does . We have to be brave enough to say , okay , well , that's going to shine light on it and now we can deal with it because we know the truth . So we can't let that fear hold us back . It's , I guess , the message that I want to get out .

Your viewing of porn has an effect on me . So the couple can grow and break free and they can come out of it much better than the current way they're getting by .

We have marriage encounters , we have retrovi for couples that are on the brink of divorce , so we do have a lot of things at our disposal , including the sacraments , which just fortify us and give us those graces that we need to strengthen our spiritual gifts and help us withstand the temptation or the struggle that come with all of this .

So well , steve , thank you so much . I definitely want to have you and your wife on my podcast in the future . So because I'd love to hear her part of it as well , and I think a lot of my listeners would also . So we'll definitely have you back and I so appreciate you being here with me today .

right .

I hope you enjoyed this episode and I would invite you to share it with a friend who might also get value from it as well . And make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a thing . I am the Catholic sobriety coach , and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about the coaching that I offer , visit my website , thecatholicsobrietycoachcom .

Follow me on Instagram at theCatholicSobrietyCoach . I look forward to speaking to you next time and remember I am here for you , I am praying for you . You are not alone .